is it too late to heal?

whoa this is my only post in april. because i suddenly suck at communicating to my blog. oops. welllll.. what do i have to say? not much.. i went to the most beautiful wedding i have ever attended last sunday. very pretty, the ceremony was light hearted and fun, and the reception hall was fucking gorgeous. i went with michael, he was the best man in the wedding.. it was his friend shane. it was awesome. i guess the biggest thing is that my relationship with michael changed from best friends to more than that after the wedding. it was weird.. cos i dont know, i guess i am scared that it won't work out, and i will lose my best friend. plus who will i talk about him with? no one, cos he was my best friend!! plus up til then he was like a brother to me, almost. but. now there is a physical aspect, which i suppose makes sense, since actually, describing him as a brother is inaccurate. it was more like he was my non physical relationship boyfriend. we spent our weekends together, we did everything together, slept in the same bed, talked practically every day.. i just wasnt making out with him. he told me that all day at the wedding he was thinking about kissing me, because i looked beautiful and he was having such a good time with me.. then we had a bunch to drink, and i was babbling about my own wedding, and i was like "michael, when we get married" (cos thats the running joke around here) "i want a wedding like this. i know you dont want a nice pretty reception, but i didnt have a sweet 16 or go to my prom" blah blah, and for the first time we ever talked about our wedding/s, he said "it doesnt matter, you can have this. it doesnt make a difference as long as you love each other" and when he said that, i had a feeling things were changing. we got home at like 130am and we watched tv, and he started hugging on me (which is not unusual.. the kid is both the baby of his family, and on top of that, his brother and sister are like 9 and 11 years older than him, and so he was raised like an only child.. he is needy as shit).. but then he kissed my neck a bunch and i thought "oh my god, he's gonna kiss me" and i kinda freaked out inside a little, because if things go to the next level, i HAVE TO forget joe... but he kissed me, and i laughed (which he was expecting), but then he kept on kissing me. he asked if he should stop, and i just kissed him, so.. there was that. it was a weird moment, i was thinking all sorts of things when i knew he was gonna kiss me.. i didnt want to make things awkward, so i was kinda hoping he wouldnt, and i was like thinking "uh, what are you doing?" then "umm ok" then "i guess this makes sense." so i went with it. i am ready to let go of joe. he is in a relationship now, according to his myspace. hes on tour in germany, but i figure its this not pretty kara girl whos status changed the same day as his did. so. i dont know. i mean, it wasn't meant to be. i have to live with that. i got burned twice by the same man, and there's nothing i can do about it. i should have been smarter, i should not have let it go as far as i did, but im a sucker for the prospect of love.. love with a spark. which i dont really have with mike. i mean, yah there is an attraction between us.. and we are sort of perfect for each other. he puts up with me, he loves me. he has loved me for a while.. we don't fight. its like we have been in a relationship for like a year and a half, but we waited that long to even kiss. you know? we've been inseparable, as long as he was single, since last january. and we've been friends since like 1997.. its pretty logical. i havent been in a real relationship since aug 02, though, and i guess this will probably end up being my last one. maybe. i dunno, i was talking to fred, my retiring crossowrd bussy teacher friend, about things and he said i needed someone to actually love me, to teach me that life isnt all gloom.. and he said that the thing is, that once someone helps me to learn love and to grow, i will then outgrow him. ugh. who knows though.. part of me is still feeling let down that joe wasn't the one.. so its kinda hard to imagine that this could be IT. plus i have to give up all other boys.. i had planned to visit derek soon.. and then i have to not hook up with him. which is doable, i guess, but i like the way he holds onto me. the prospect of hooking up with derek has become less enticing since i started his whole shannanagan (sp??) with mike, though, so who knows.

anyhow. thats that, and this is my april post. i am getting my classes back on may 4, since cheryl is leaving for medical reasons (riiiight), and im gonna be their teacher for the end of the year.. 38 days. im nervous. but i probably wont update for a while since i will be incredibly busy. who even knows if anyone still reads this, anyway.. since i suck at updating. i removed the counter because i couldnt scroll down to old posts, hence i no longer know if the same people are reading via their IP addresses.. you are all anonymous once again.

xoxox