is it too late to heal?

mike's in italy. i'm watching project runway. i just went through my word files, i was looking for my worksheets for the articles of confederation. i found all these old ims from joe.. i read them and i was so embarassed of the way i spoke. i was so juvenile, ridiculously small. not like trite, just.. i don't know, i was such a little girl, begging after him, trying to be this crazy support when all i was doing was look like a stupid needy brat.

in other news, he came over saturday night. sunday morning, actually, it was 2am. i had completely honorable intentions. i swear. and then he put his hand on my side, and i don't know what happened next. i know i fell asleep. i know i woke up and he was still there, sleeping next to me on the couch. i know that i had to pee, so i did. then he did. and he came back to his spot on the inside of the couch. and then it was done. over. i'm such a horrible person. but i needed that. i can't explain why, but i did. i don't want him anymore. i pretty much realize it was just sex for two years. it was something else. with me, it's a magnetism. it's the way i feel, the way my stomach flips when he touches me. it's like fucking electricity. for him, all i can say would be the penis. but whatev. it wasn't about a crazy idea of love this time. it was part spite, part liberation, and part lust. it was no part love.

i'm an idiot, i know that. so iming, we joke about the experience, and the way events unfolded. caution thrown to the wind. he lost his better judgement at the same time i did. a slow nosedive into oblivion and being wrong. what the fuck draws me to this kid, makes me lose my sense of right and wrong, and leads me on this path of awfulness. i don't care if i don't have any feelings this time.

or was it a dream? did i then wake up, sleeping in my bed, kasha curled up on my face? my imagination runs wild...