is it too late to heal?

*sweet baby dont cry.. yr tears are only alibis. to prove you still feel, you only feel sorry for yrself*
cursive

i got my new tattoo. it is pretty, we are in love. ok, no. its hurting me bad. i forgot how difficult it would be to have something huge heal on my back. the ointment keeps getting stuck to my pretty new cursive shirt. i will take a picture of it when it heals, and i will post it on myspace. yay.

im really upset that i didnt hear from el enigma.. i dont know why i was hoping that he would not go to cursive (bc he hadnt decided this afternoon), and would wanna see me. but he ignored my messages. so... i dont know. im done though. it hurts like hell to finally feel how low on his list of priorities i fall... bc if going to see a band he doesnt even like ranks higher than hanging out with me, who he hasnt seen in 3 weeks, then.. well. i see where i stand. so goodbye. i cant keep letting you destroy me, mmmk? you tell me "you rule and i feel like you dont know it" but you constantly do things that make me feel like i am so dispensible to you. so. dispose of me. i will not send you another message, except for tomorrow to ask if yr going to inside. so as i can be prepared to be really sad in advance, if you are. after that, nah. ill just start working a lot, and ill keep myself distracted from you. i kind of want to make plans and then bail out. or hang out with you, and fall asleep, so as you cant hook up. it doesnt matter, yr obviously getting some from somewhere else. this is problematic, bc if you gave me a disease i will kill you. im not kidding. besides, yr all encouraging me to slut around, hook up with cursive, hook up with derek.. well. you know what, someday youll fucking miss me again. if you were compelled to leave a note on my car after FOUR YEARS of not speaking, i know you'll miss me again.

after he told me he was maybe going to see cursive, i was like "i dont think we can be friends anymore. you never have time for me." he was like "are you serious?" i wanted to be like yah, but i was like "no i just miss you is all." but thanks for opening my eyes today.

anyway. bed. fuckin... christ i hope he isnt going tomorrow. inside are for ME, not for him. i dont *care* if he is the one who introduced me to them on "amazing songs for amazing gille." fucker.

i got this awesome angry gorilla shirt last night at cursive. im wearing it right now. it rocks. fuck the enigma for going to see cursive tonight instead of hangign out with me. he doesnt even like them. fucker. off to li.....

*oh my tongue is the only muscle on my body that works harder than my heart*
brand new

blahhh im drunk, im stoned, im fucked out of m mind. i love it. i cant type straight. so. errors excused, aight? aight. yah. cursive = hot shit yo. if i could have tim kashers babies i would be ALL OVVER THAT SHIT. his hair has gorwn since last we saw them. but hes hot. and they OPENED with "fairy tales" like they KNEW!!!! unsane. some song from such blinding stars it was good, and i was happy bc i listened to such blinding stars while writing my ENTIRE thesis. and "the martyr" which was intense and hot and gorgeous. and all the hispters stood still the whole time like... like the music was a fucking disease, it didnt move them, they resisted.. they didnt feel it, they all needed to be kicked in the face. who stands still at a show? a CURSIVE show? fuckers. it was good. i wish i could go tomorrow,too but tattoos for me and emily.

ryan is laying with his head on my lap. he is drunk. and sad. you know. everyones breakin up. everyones sad. im not breakin up.. cos no one wants to be with me, thats right.. cos im like damaged goods right. yes. right. correct!

anyway, yes. the enigma. was a fuck. he hates me. idont know what happened. vegas was such good conversation. and since i saw him... its like a chore to hear from him, he is nt all saucy with me anymore. i said i wished he was here. he said he wished that too, but then he said i should go try to meet the cursive dudes and make babies. i hate him when he does this crap. it makes me wanna.. i dont know. its like telling me to fuck other guys and thats not cool. like why the fuck do you want me slutting around? ugh.

im out.

*you came to me like a dream, the kind that always leaves. just as the best part starts it ends so abruptly*
alkaline trio

bah. so i got eye liner in my left eye and now it burns. plus my right contact is the 2 year old one, so its way blurry. so my vision, not so good. all i wanna do is take out the contacts and go sleepy night night, but this is not an option. maybe ill sleep on the train to li... im trying to get in touch with my brother so i can see if they have school tonight. i wanna see my dad, i have to get that special paper for my thesis. ok. he just called, and they both have school tonight (he and emily), and my mom has tennis, so UGH. plus one tree hill is on tonight, so i wanna be situated at mi casa by 9. this is looking impossible. i cannot miss the hill. no way, jose. but how am i gonna get my paper???? this sucks. maybe i can drop my mom off at tennis, get the paper..... ugh. this is annoying. i wish the beretta was still on the road. this sucks.

anyway. i have to write down all my books info bc i have to write my bibliography tonight....

*i dont want to be seen as a pretty thing. cos its the pretty things that we're always breaking*
cursive.

im sleepy. im way psyched to see cursive this week and i really hope i dont see stupid girl there again. she needs to catch fire. i need to listen to the ugly organ to get pumped, since thats what they played mostly last time.. bc i guess greta the cellist gets bored when they play old songs? who knows. i want fairy tales!! greta is IN that. no excuses. i should like, email cursive ahahaha. imagine?

zzzzz.. im talking to twon and i dont wanna go to sleep. i like keeping him company while he is working, and we have fun conversations. all the good ones are taken lol.

oh so one of those monster size roaches invaded my home before, at like 145am. walking along the wall with its weird big legs. how the fuck do roaches transcend gravity? i was very upset. ALL the lights are on right now. the hall light, the kitchen light, the living room... and it was ballsy, just came out of the kitchen and into the living room. in the light! and WAY before i usually go to bed. killing it was a fiasco, it was HUGE so it took like 14 sprays of raid before it stopped twitching. and then i had to clean it up, bc my friend candace is a sissy. we agreed to clean up every other one we saw (we've had four in the 9 months we have been here.. the super said they are in the basement and they come up when the temperature changes. this is unacceptable.), but when it was her turn, she couldnt do it, she freaked out like a frickin girl, and i had to do it. it makes my skin crawl for a good half hour afterward, and the lingering smell of raid always ruins my day.

i talked to the enigma before. he gave me all sorts of encouragement for the orals.. then i asked him if he was free tomorrow, and he didnt respond. so like 2.5 hours later i was like "well either you or the phone gods dont want me to see you.. regardless, ive had a long day and im going to bed. night." he was like "did you text me earlier? cos i totally didnt get it" and i was like "yah i asked if you were free tomorrow cos ill be on li, and also ill be there thurs" and he said "oh, i wrote back to that, im going to be in ct tomorrow, i dont know whats going on thursday." way to sound like you want to see me, ass. all i have to do is make myself scarce for like a week, and the week after he'll be messaging me daily telling me he misses me and he wishes i was there, which is bullshit, of course. fucker. im growing thicker each day, and soon i will be over you. HA.

(yah... riiiiiiight....)

anyway. i can still get like 6.5 hours if i go to bed now. i cant wait to go to LI tomorrow, there are no monster size roaches at la casa de mi mama!! i think i will try to borrow a car and go to my dads tomorrow, too. he has some easter candy for me, and i also have a million pairs of jeans at his house.. i have like seriously 15 pairs of jeans that are size 5 or smaller, that i couldnt wear when i gained weight, but im back to a 3/4 now, and i can wear them!!!! which is reallllly exciting bc i have my old angels in there, and my bubblegums.. i had a rad pair of angels that i never got to wear, but i lent them to jan bc she broke her zipper or something junior or sophomore year, and i couldnt fit in them, so i just ended up telling her she could keep my fucking brand new $50 jeans for FREE. well, at least i know better now, dont give people nice things bc they dont appreciate you anyway.

blahh. so anyway, yah, i wanna go to my dads house tomorrow, and i have to call the tattoo place that kurt recommended to see if emily and i can get appointments for thursday. mine is going to have little detail, so i think it shouldnt take long, and they should be able to take me.. i dont know what em is getting, she was saying she might get hers touched up, but i am against that, cos im getting a new one and so should she! my tattoo is just going to be a demented star, blue outline, yellow inside.. and the word "wish" below it. i think i might just get it in english. i was thinking about getting it in cyrillic, but.. i might get it in cursive.. im not sure. i really have to decide. this is important. we shall see.

ok. its like 418 or something, or at least that is what my computer says. and im tired, so i think sleep will come for me now. mmm.. sleep.. goodnight.

what im doing at 2:30 am on a monday night.....

jesse: so are you like a master of history now?
gille: yes!
jesse: no way
gille: comprable to a master of the universe!
jesse: so like why did the colonizers come to america? it would have been less work to just live in england
gille: nah uh they were being persecuted and shit
jesse: they were not
gille: yah huh
jesse: by who and why?
gille: the national chruch of england was anglican and PURITANS were anglican, and they were persecuted and they had to convert or like leave so they left
jesse: there are flaws with your theory
gille: no
jesse: why didnt they just complain to the king?
jesse: history shows kings are generally nice people
gille: cos the KING was anglican duh
gille: he was the one who made it up
gille: jesus jesse
jesse: lies and rumors
jesse: you dont know what the FUCK youre talking about
gille: um, ok
jesse: youre gonna teach this to schoolchildren?
jesse: the king cant make a religion up he's not like jesus or mohamed
gille: he didnt make it up but he made up the RULE that all brits would be anglican
jesse: full of shit you are
gille: yr a jerksauce head
jesse: the vikings spread the word that there was a nice land on this side of the ocean
jesse: and the british got jealous and took it
gille: nah uh
jesse: cause they claimed the indians werent doing anything with it
jesse: and back then there was no jesse jackson or farahkan
jesse: and the indians couldnt compete cause they didnt have an airforce
jesse: unlike the brits
gille: ahahahahahha air force?????
jesse: yes!
jesse: they bombed the indians like bush bombs iraq
gille: AIR FORCE? in 1626???
jesse: YES
jesse: history repeates itself
jesse: the kings advisors told the king that the indians were a threat
jesse: and that they were packing weapons and building boats ready to invade canada and eventually europe
gille: hmm ok ill have to alert the historians who've got it all wrong
jesse: even mexico was scared
jesse: which at that time was called texas
gille: really....
jesse: yes!
jesse: helllooo....
gille: why didnt the indians use suicide bombers in defense?
jesse: they're not mad muslims
jesse: helllooo....
gille: this is all very interesting.
jesse: ugh youve gotta be fucking with me
jesse: you dont know this?
jesse: you serioulsy dont know this?
jesse: all is lost
jesse: for you that is
gille: i didnt know about the airforce
jesse: figures
jesse: the indian king tried to run away to switzerland but he was sent back by the prime minister
jesse: i forget his name
gille: i think i should give my masters back
jesse: yeah really
gille: all IS lost!
jesse: indeed

i think he was lying. i think he maybe did get my messages and he was just avoiding responding. im not convinced. ugh.

i passed my orals! i am a master of history! you wish you were me.

ok good news i called the boy (!!!) and he was fine, he was at work and he was like "i didnt get any text messages from you" which could be a lie but could be the truth. i guess i dont trust him. but at least everything is ok.. he said he replied to my message about the dashboard cd, but i didnt get that. so i dont know. but i feel better and now i can kind of focus a little bit better. im off to rutgers now, so i can study (read: cram) for six hours and then orals at a few minutes after 5. wish me luck.....

*i dont want to feel this way forever*
thursday

i cried a good long time tonight. it was that breakdown ive been expecting. i felt to stressed and tired and like nothing was ever going to work out, and i wanted to just lay down and rock myself to sleep in tears. but i turned to drugs and now im numb, but my eyes burn from crying and my sweatshirt has snot all over the cuffs, which is a problem. bc i just washed it.

i lost my self control again, and i messaged the enigma tonight at 10:04 pm. i said "i feel like i should take a hint, but i dont know why you would be avoiding me.. is something up?" and of course there was no response. candace consoled me, she said maybe his phone broke or he lost it. who knows.. she thought i should call him. im kinda worried that something bad happened... i mean, who knows. the kid falls asleep driving all the time. and i dunno, i was tlaking to candace about it, and she said it doesnt make sense that he would be mad, cos what could have happened between the message he sent thurs afternoon and the message i replied with, which asked if he was free at all this week. and why would he ignore me asking if he had my dashboard cd? ugh. i hate my life. i wish it would just stop or something. i wish it would make sense for five seconds.

i have orals tomorrow. i havent studied at all. im going to bed.

1. WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR KITCHEN PLATES? white. with like flowers on the outside.
2. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? slaughterhouse-five by kurt vonnegut.
3. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? i have one of those special eye mice. no mouse pad for me.
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE BOARD GAME? scattergories.
5. FAVORITE MAGAZINE? jane.
....where is number six, asks gille?....
7. LEAST FAVORITE SMELL? the smell on the corner of william and john st's.. anyone who went to pace should recognize it. its vaguely homeless, but its *always* there, and no homeless people to exude it. the scent makes me want to vomit.
8. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK WHEN YOU WAKE IN THE MORNING? what time is it?
....and number 9?....
10. LEAST FAVORITE COLOR? dirty orange.
11. HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE? however long it takes me to get there.
12. FUTURE (or First) CHILD'S NAME: if its a boy i want jacob or lucas.
13. WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IN LIFE? being happpppppppy. if it even exists. grrr.
14. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? vanilla.
15. DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST? yes.
....sixteen, anyone?....
17. DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL? i love my cuppy!!!
18. STORMS - COOL OR SCARY? cool.
19. WHAT TYPE WAS YOUR FIRST CAR? my first and only was/is my chevy beretta, aptly named "car."
20. IF YOU COULD MEET ONE PERSON DEAD OR ALIVE WHO WOULD IT BE? alexander hamilton. duh.
21. FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK? i like the apple martini, it served me well in vegas. yes, i understand that is a terribly ghetto drink, but...
22. WHAT IS YOUR SIGN &YOUR BIRTHDAY? aries. four four eighty.
23. DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI? no, i treat them like the plague.
24. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB WHAT WOULD IT BE? i would be a high school teacher. seriously.
25. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY COLOR HAIR, WHAT WOULD IT BE? i liked when i had pink tips the best.
26. IS THE GLASS HALF FULL OR HALF EMPTY? depends on the day
27. FAVORITE MOVIE? goonies, almost famous, heathers
28. DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS? noooo.
29. WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED? monsters!!!!!
....thirty?....
31. FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH? ugh, i am so antisport.
32. WHAT IS YOUR SINGLE BIGGEST FEAR? natural bodies of water.
33. SAY ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU: desiree.. well. i dont really *know* desiree anymore, but she used to be a cool kid back in the day :)
34. FAVORITE CDs? presently, it is brand new "your favorite weapon" but it changes with my mood. "disintergration" by the cure, "good mourning" by alkaline trio, cursive's "domestica." um, "full collapse" !!!!!! by thursday.
35. FAVORITE TV SHOWS? we dont have cable. i really like to watch classmates and cry. cos im sooo emo.
36. KETCHUP OR MUSTARD? i think i can have both. no need to discriminate.
37. HAMBURGERS OR HOTDOGS? i am vegetarian.
38. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SOFT DRINK? cherry coca-cola classic.
39. THE BEST PLACE YOU HAVE EVER BEEN? jamaica. VEGAS!
40. WHAT SCREEN SAVER IS ON YOUR COMPUTER NOW? i dont have one, it goes to black screen.

*sometimes sunshine does not want to shine on me*
no doubt

bleh. thats what i have to say to you. just bleh. i fucking missssss you. it hurts. it does. i know its only been three days. but i havent seen you in two weeks, and things havent been the same since then. before last monday, we were all excited to see each other, and you sent me messages like "yr not gonna text me tonight?" when i hadnt texted by midnight yr time. it was only 9 in vegas, the night was young. but no. that wasnt enough. you had to hear from me. but now.. nothing. you dont send me sexy messages. and when you do they are short and concise like "my week is good. hows your week? good i hope." not even a hugs or an i miss you or xoxo. you HATE me. what did i do? ok maybe you dont hate me, but still... i just want to hear from you. i dont care if yr just telling me yr upset with me for some bizarro reason, cos i have done nothing.. i just wanna knoooooow. i just wanna fast forward to september and see what happens then. but thats like FOUR months. i guess i have been waiting over a year for things to work out.. 13 months. which is the length of my whole relationship with chaz. it feels so short in reflection, probably bc there were two times that i didnt see you for two months at a time. i hate you i hate you i hate you. i gotta figure this out. i gotta let you go. again. cos you came back, and it still wasnt meant to be. fuck that. fuck that stupid saying, bc its a crock of shit.

*if you could see the dreams ive had my dear, they would give you nightmares for a week*
jawbreaker

thats one of my favorite angry songs of all time. it definitely makes the playlist for the angry cd. "dreamed i was a fireman, i just smoked and watch you burn." i think it might even qualify as the lead in song for such a cd. it was the lead in on a mix tape i made last year, which i entitled "i hope you both die violently." you figure it out. the tape wasnt especially violent, or angry, but it began the tape, and therefore it somehow set my mood. it was at a time in my life where everything i did required hoping people died violently. i suppose therapy has helped in that respect, i haven't been that angry since then. maybe i used all of my anger up.

oh god. snl is a repeat. grrrr... its the one with christina aguilera. i think it was funny. shes such a thug. "all the jokes and wise cracks you be makin about me on weekend update." sooo weird. ok, so she might be ghetto all the sudden, and weird, but this woman has a kick ass voice. if i listened to music for peoples voices or whatnot, she would perhaps be on the top of my list. however, i prefer songs that people wrote themselves, and whiney boy voices or angry boy voices are my thing. i do not dig chick singers, as a general rule.

i talked to my dad a few minutes ago. i had fallen asleep. i finished derek's play, and i put my head down, and there it was.. sleep dancing on my pillow. he was like "were you sleeping?!" like it was a bad thing that i had fallen asleep at a normal person hour. anyway, he is in florida on the mcdonalds convention. he said it was a good time, but that the CEO of mcds had a heart attack at the convention and there was some delay in the beginning due to confusion and stuff related to the death of the CEO of the company having a convention. you know. they got to go to disneyworld one night, they shut the park down for the convention. he was with my aunt paula tonight. she is coming to visit next week with my cousin angie.. i havent seen them in a while. well, i saw my aunt a year or two ago, she was up for a few days. but i havent seen angie since 1997. that was the last time i went to florida with family. i also went in 1998, but with my boyfriend at the time, to visit his mom, and i didnt see my family while we were there. for some reason, i remember very little about going to florida with rich. we went to busch gardens, and we didnt all fit in the car, so he rode to tampa from orlando in the hatchback. we played dungeons and dragons (the first and only time i ever played. it was kinda fun.) we went to his moms house. we stayed with his sister. he lost his virginity there. but other than that, i really dont know what we did.. oooh! we went to disney. duh. his mom worked at disney. we met up with katie jean there, and we fought. not me and katie, me and rich fought. we went two days. ok now i feel better. im not as burnt as i initially thought i was.

blah blah blah. i have nothing of import to say. dereks play was good, i almost cried at the end. i got a little teary. im waiting for mike to get back from seeing some weird german band. he was here with a friend before. chris. this boy had gorgeous eyes. they were like crystal blue, and gorgeous. thats the only word i can think of to describe them. gorgeous. i love when boys have dark hair and light eyes.. mm.. i never date them, though. chaz had gorgeous blue eyes, but he also had light blonde hair. the enigma has gorgeous green eyes, but he has light brown hair. baxter also has really nice blue eyes. ok, actually most of the guys i have dated have had really nice eyes, and most of them were blue. while im babbling, lets see.. while im at it, i will also figure out which instruments these boys played. ok. mark had blue eyes and medium brown hair. he was a singer. how i loathe dating singers. i do not remember john's eyes. they were probably brown, he was very dark featured. he played bass. he was galacian. i have no idea how that is supposed to be spelled. its like a region in spain or something. ok, then there was my nordic, kurt. he was norwegian, and he LOOKED norwegian. beautiful blue eyes.. but im pretty sure his hair wasnt blonde naturally, cos its light brown/ dirty blonde now, or at least the last time i saw him.. it was bleached back then. he was a guitarist, and a singer, and the only one i dont mind having dated. though he did write the lyric "i forget my girlfriends name, but i remember you" while we were together. perhaps that it where my loathing stems from. kenny.. i have no idea. he had dark hair and i think he had brown eyes. he played guitar, and he played realllly well for a 14 year old. i robbed the cradle with him. then there were a bunch of very inconsequential boys who i dont remember the eye color of.. brendan/scrotum i think he had blue eyes. i think thats what drew me into my one and only dirty punk. i wonder what that kid is doing right now. i hated him for so long.. he was a fucking date rapist, and i cut him out of my life my senior year of high school. then like 2 or 3 years later, he sent me a letter from florida, and he sent me the $200 the howards had borrowed from me for recording the summer of 97. and he apologized up and down, he sent me letters and wanted me to forgive him.. and i mean.. he had nothing to gain, he moved to florida its not like he was trying to get me back. so maybe he actually grew up and was sorry for the asshole things he did when we were 17.. he played bass. anyway. that was during my first run with the enigma, when i was just trying to replace him and make myself forget. and i dont remember much about the boys that came after scrot. there was brian, non descript drummer of the striped basstards. he was tall and rich, and i think he had blue eyes. he lived in old feild, which is like this super rich part of east setauket, and he lives right on the sound. it was pouring rain one night, thudering and lightening.. and we drove to the end of his block, and watched the lightening on the sound, and listened to the cure. that was a good day. then came jon, who definitely had crystal blue eyes.. he was a pothead, he liked faith no more, and he played bass. next was chris reno. a non musician!! but he actually was a scenester, he was known as the naked kid, he liked to get naked and dance in the pit at hardcore shows. he was 20, which was the perfect age when i was 17. i think he had blue eyes, too, but who knows. i will never see that kid again, though he is on my buddy list for some reason. um... i have no idea who came after that. ian? green eyes. and i forget what he played. he might have been an artist instead. its funny that i remember very little about him. well, maybe not, bc for the most part of our relationship he was away at school. he went to ithaca college. and when i went to visit him in april, he had met someone else, and he fucking spent the weekend with her, instead of with me. he was a fuckin rich kid from bellmore. i wonder what he is doing right now. i didnt go to my senior prom bc of him, bc he was my date and he screwed me for that liz girl. grrrr. at least i got to see ifarm in their natural habitat while i was in ithaca.... after him was the aforementioned rich. brown hair, green eyes. he was chubby. i have no idea why i was attracted to him. he made me laugh. we were practically married the summer after my senior year of high school. but he still had a curfew at 18, which was weird. then came steve, the croatian sensation, dark hair, dark eyes. he only went out with me to get over juli, and it failed so he broke up with me, and we havent been friends since. i dont know why, seeing as we were like best friends before that, and i wasnt bitter or even that sad when our 2 week escapade ended. next was straight matt, my rebound from steve, he was way weird, and his parents pulled him out of school over spring break bc they found white stuff in his room. he said it wasnt coke, and this his mom planted something bc she was having a midlife crisis. blah blah blah he was a huge mistake, and sean *still* makes fun of me for that one. he had dirty blonde hair. maybe it was light brown. i dont know, and i also have no idea what color eyes he had. dave had blue eyes, and he was also a non musician (like the two who preceeded him), he was a frat boy. he went to stoneybrook. he broke things off with me bc he liked me too much and he wasnt ready to settle down. he was a weirdo. he wanted another chance in like oct 2000, but i met nick the night we had dinner, and the rest is history. after dave.. chaz. drummer, blonde hair, blue eyes. gorgeous eyes. gorgeous boy. *sigh* then came nick, brown hair, brown eyes, piece of shit. he played guitar sometimes, but he didnt own one. jaime, brown hair, brown eyes. not a musician. he was cuban. he was a mistake as well.

and that brings us up to date, with my guitarist enigma who has beautiful green eyes and hasnt responded to a text message ive sent him in three days. THREE DAYS. on thursday i asked if he was free at all next week, bc id be on LI a bunch. no response. later i asked if i lent him my dashboard cd, bc i cant find it. no response. yesterday i asked if he wasnt responding or if my phone was being mean. no response. i tried again this afternoon, i asked if he was free tuesday since id be on LI.. no response. so. all i wanna do is cry. ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh!

thats it for now. i have to pee.

i took the L home from getting the cursive tickets with ryan.. and i stood there, and for the first time in like two years i felt that feeling again. the feeling that goes "you could just fall in front of the train..."

and i realized that i will NEVER be ok.

*broken windows, open locks, reminds of us of the youth we lost*
thursday

i feel like listening to thursday.

derek gave me his play tonight. he got them copied and bound. he also wrote a book, which he is going to give me when he picks it up from the printer. in exchange, i must provide him with a copy of my thesis. so now i have to get four copies bound. but its all good, its cool that ill always have his manuscripts, and hell have my thesis, even if we never see each other again after july. in the copy he gave me, derek wrote to me: "dearest gille, keep managing, keep staying beautiful and keep appreciating the beauty OF insanity. from all of my heart, derek." awww. i cant wait to read it. i might actually forego sleep to start reading..

nothing important happened today. i really woke up, showered, went to work. thats it. i made like $120, boooooo i wanted MORE. but whatever. thats enough. it was painless, i had a good night, and a good time. it wasnt very busy. i wasnt running around at all. i socialized a lot (with coworkers and tables). smoked like 9 cigarettes. talked to kim a bit. i thought it might be a little wierd considering we made out last week. but no, it was regular kim and gille insanity. so i was happy about that at least. after work i went to westway with derek and lee. had the usual. after that, derek got in a cab, and lee and i walked over to the 59th st bridge (59th and 2nd, from 44th and 9th.. a good 45 minute walk), as we do in the warmer weather, and i took a taxi from there. now im talking to mike:

mike: yeah.. i need to be getting some
gille: aww
mike: yup.. im a lonely bot
mike: bpy
mike: grr
mike: boy
gille: i liked the "bot" best
mike: me too
gille: you should refer to yrself as a bot from now on
mike: im robotic
mike: sounds good
mike: i will
mike: think it'll work?
gille: yes.

good times. i should be getting to bed, as i promised candace family day tomorrow, where we will play risk bc being imperialists is fun. i wanna get up by like 12. i wonder if i will. if i wake up, and she isnt out here, i will likely go back to bed. i have to go get cursive tickets with ryan tomorrow around 4. then study. then mike is coming over after he sees some band at irving plaza. hes gonna crash here (cos i think he uses me for a bed close to the city lol), then i have work sunday morning. study sunday night, study monday, take orals monday night. gregg (manager) asked me if i got "a new pair of knee pads for monday" which was kinda gross (get it? orals? yah. cute. it took me like 30 seconds to get it, actually. i stood there confused.) i then asked him if HE had a masters. he said no. i said "i will be a master of history.. which is comprable to being a master of the universe. and you will be nothing."

anyway. mike is like looking at porn or something bc he isnt responding quick enough and i am sober bc i dont have a drug dealer, so i think the only answer is sleep. or dereks play. we shall see.... gooooodnight.

*someday.. maybe [he'll] come back to me and ill say 'why dont you go fuck yrself'*
reel big fish with gille modification.

imagine i really felt that way? well i do for some boys. but not the current disaster. nope. i messaged him to ask him if i lent him my dashboard cd, but he didnt respond. perhaps he was fucking some other girl. though being naked in my bed didnt stop him from messaging jeff last week. or maybe it wasnt jeff. maybe it was the girlfriend im becoming more convinced he secretly has.

my back hurts. i need sleep. who is this shannon elizabeth? what is she from? she is on conan. she has a very hot body. my body is going to shit with the crap i am eating lately. like hunks of mozz cheese, and pasta, and all this crap. i have to be more responsible with my eating habits, since i want to keep my figure for the summer. cos we all know that i will pack on the pounds upon my rearrival to long island.

so i was thinking. when i move home, my mom is probably going to want a key to my place. and i dont trust her enough for that. she read my journal when i was 17, and since then, i have been loathe to trust her around my belongings. i dont want to have to keep shit hidden. and besides, the woman is the nosiest lady on the face of the EARTH. she would smell them out. seriously. how would i go about telling her that i dont think she should have a key? ugh. this is the worst.

blah blah blah. i have been reading this girls ejournal. a random girl from virginia. sometimes i see so much of myself in what she says, and other times i absolutely cant stand her. but im addicted. im almost caught up with all the archives, so it will be weird when im all caught up. waiting for another installment. i regularly browse blogs.. i think im searching for the perfect story, for someone who babbles as much as i do about perhaps more relevent things. i imagine running across someone i knows blog and secretly reading it. all the time. but alas, i have yet to do that. mainly because i dont think i have ever known anyone who kept an ejournal besides stef who (a) i arguably don't know anymore, since i havent really seen or spoken to her since she moved to california and (b) she used livejournal, which i never search. perhaps i should.. i do, however, find random people from my past on myspace, which usually makes me laugh. back when i used to use makeoutclub, i found matt orphan and mike kinney and some other weirdos from way back when. on myspace i have come across several bands i know and their whole profiles made me giggle. i found this girl who used to be one of my best friends, but then decided that having a relationship with the boy who had just broken up with me two weeks before was more important than our three year friendship. blah blah blah. surfing myspace isnt as much fun for me as it is for mike, though.

so i think ive figured out my schedule for next week. im going to do my orals monday, go to LI to print my thesis tuesday, come back wednesday and see cursive. go to rutgers thursday, then head back to LI for my tattoo with emily, and then (supposedly) inside on friday, though i havent heard anything further about the possibility of them playing at the wading river church.... saturday i have an 8am server meeting (UGH). and then i am FREEEEE. i can just work 5 days and pile up some money, and be off mon and tues. i was thinking perhaps i would take off sunday and monday instead. that way i could go apartment hunting on LI sudays and mondays. but it would be annoying bc i would have to get back on monday night bc of tuesday morning therapy.. i suppose i could change my appointment, but i dont want to do that! its *always* been on tuesdays. it might have used to been on mondays, actually. i know we changed it. or maybe we never changed it. maybe it *has* always been tuesdays. i dont know. i think i have to think about it some more. and figure out what i wanna do with my stupid life.

actually, i already know what i want. and that is: a cute one bedroom apartment with enough room to live happily and have some space; a baby siamese kitty, preferably a boy, and preferably the runt of the litter; a desktop where i can download as much music as i like, and make playlists and always have a list for any mood i might be in; to be with the boy, and have him come see me a few times a week, and fall asleep with me close to home, and not have to worry about work in the morning; a job teaching sixteen- and seventeen-year-olds american history; a car that is not my moms 4-runner, bc i abhor the suv; cable televsion and a cable modem; um.. yah i think that might be it. thats really all i want.

aww there is a promo for iron chef on. chaz and i used to watch that back when we were young and happy, and before he hated me for moving on so quickly. well. hindsight is 20/20, right? and i realize that i made a huge mistake and now i have to live with it for the rest of my life. thanks god.

anyway. i think perhaps i should sleep, but im really not interested. my eye is kind of burning, and my heart is doing that palpatation thing. which is way ugh.

lately i have been wondering if i would be able to re-adjust to life if i was in a relationship. today i spent practically the whole day alone. this was my day: i woke up at 330, talked to ryan online for a minute, got dressed, did laundry. came home, watched tv interspersed with AIM conversation, spend a while listening to the kill yrself cd and writing in my paper journal while laying in bed. then i watched some more tv, made pasta, got high, watched tv. candace came home, drunk, after her date. she danced around the apartment, and made me promise i would do weekly facials and that i would try to get up early on saturday in order to have "family day" and play the game of risk, bc she cant stop thinking about it since i bought it. then she took some advil, smoked a cigarette, looks at me and goes: "im goin to bed!" in her best texas cheerleader way. and she does. exit candace and all we've got is gille. and weed. and the tv. so i watched and i smoked. talked to mike, now im emailing with twon.. the whole night i did whatever i wanted. i laid in bed. i looked out the window. i watched crappy television shows bc dammit, i WANTED to. i didnt have to confer with anyone. i didnt have to cater to anyone's needs. if i feel like it, i can get it on with myself at night. if i dont, i need not worry about whether or not im going to have to give it up bc i have a stupid boyfriend who doesnt understand "im tired," and besides, id get to sleep quicker if i just let him use my body and shut up than if i kept trying to thwart his efforts.. and its not like i dont get enough partnered sex as it is. considering that ive been with three different men and one woman in the past three weeks. oh, did i let that slip? oops. thats what i was trying to keep secret. the threesome. no more details will be provided. ANYWAY. back to the matter at hand: would i be able to adapt to the relationship life again after being single for almost two years? ive become so used to being solitary, to not having to open my mouth to speak. i almost like it.

*almost*

cos really, i do miss waking up beside someone. and i kinda miss monogamy. and someone who knows my body and what i like. although i do have that in the enigma. he knows exactly what to do, he knows me and what i like. but he is like a treat. i get him once a month if im lucky, and i might cry afterward. ugh. im tired of thinking about this.

bedtime, methinks. perhaps one more smoke, and then i will retire to from whence i came but a meager thirteen hours ago. ha. fuck being responsible, i will be a slacker for as long as i like. take that! xoxo

*..we'll try and ease the pain, but somehow we'll feel the same. well, no one knows where our secrets go*
smashing pumpkins.

i had something to say when i opened this window, really i did. but it has since left me. and now ive put down lyrics, but i dont know what to say. candace isnt back from her date yet. i thought she would be. they were meeting at 6, at the Lex stop of the E/V.. she must really like him.

i got all dressed up today. ok, so on tuesday i wore a skirt and i considered myself dressed up. but ryan and i went to get food, and he goes "yr not dressed up! ya skirt is camo!" ok fine. i was, in fact, wearing a camoflauge mini skirt with a plain black tank top. it wasnt dressy. but today.. now today im dressed up. i wore a denim skirt with a frill-like thing on the bottom, verrrrry girly, and a nice floral tank top. and my yellow cardigan indoors. all i did was laundry. but i enjoyed being dressed up. it made me feel better. i enjoyed being a waste of life today.

so i just muted the tv so as i could better leave bart a happy birthday voice mail, and i was looking at the closed captions, and it said "male announcer..." thanks! now i can better imagine it! why would a deaf person require the gender of the announcer??? weird.

i have nothing to say. i just wanted to write something down. i cant stop eating mozzerella cheese. i think ill go have some more...

the queen mary 2 is going to come through the hudson in about two hours. its supposed to be a spectacular sight, all big and shit. its a fucking boat. "yes, i still travel by boat." weird! who travels by boat? it takes so long! they were interviewing this lady and she was like "its more relaxing" and im like "nooooo" bc i would have constant heart attacks/anxiety attacks bc i am terrified of water.

anyway. its that time. perhaps ill wake up at a nice time tomorrow. HA! i hope im awoken by a text message. hearing from you tomorrow would be so nice. cos i missssssssss you like craaaaaaazy!! sigh.

that boy from the subway yesterday looked a lot like ben jelen, who i never heard of before his picture was on the AOL front page just now.

so. here i was, since 1:14 am, typing away, making jokes and being merry. and all the sudden my computer freezes and ALL IS LOST. i wanted to cry. i discussed the proper way to make mix tapes, like in high fidelity. i articulated the importance of fresh songs on a first mix, when you want someone to know you like them, but you gotta play it cool bc you dont wanna scare them off. and how you save the mushy songs for the "im falling in love with you" tape. and i talked about how ryans kill yrself cd was mislabelled, and should in fact be a break up cd.. bc the songs are mushy and lovey. and i said that kill yrself cds have to end with something sad and acoustic. but nooooo. aol wanted to freeze, and not let me send my thing, and all is lost. i still wanna cry when i think about it. it was funny and i loved it. i told you about my conversation with my mom. i talked about what i want in a boy (no money lovers, just flighty musicians for me.. people who wanna do what they love and make money for it). i talked about steve and how sad it was that we arent close anymore, bc i didnt become a member of that thing.. and how i like anarchopunk but i dont roll with the anarchists, and how i like marx, but im not hanging out with the communists.. and how i dont like to fit in, that i dont want to belong to something.. and i talked about about ryans cd, and how he had recycled some songs he put on the tape he made me for my 18th birthday, and how i felt like they'd been cheapened, bc he clearly made this cd bc he missed sarah.. i said stuff about the serenity prayer, and how my therapist wants me to go to AA bc im an addict. and i think its weird, i dont wanna go to AA and be like "my name is gille, and im addicted to a plethora of things, none of which is alcohol" cos im NOT. i might be addicted to the enigma (so says dr. jennifer, and i would have to agree), and cigarettes, and pot, and music, and emotion, and sex.. but not alcohol. nope.

anyway. im sad now, and i lost a piece of me. which is why i will never leave the lovely paper journal. she doesnt freeze and cost me two hours of work. nosiree. i shall smoke more pot now. ha.

gille: if i was gonna commit suicide, i wouldnt leave a note. i would leave a mix cd.
mike: youre so emo.

someday, i will check my yahoo! email that i made up for this blog, and there will be mail from some random person who like clicked on the link from google.. and i will die of happiness.

*forget me, its that simple*
taking back sunday

so. its like 820 or so, and im listening to my new kill yrself cd. i dont know if i mentioned it yesterday, but ryan has been very sad over his break up with sarah. it appears that he thinks he made the wrong decision. i dont think he did. it april, and so many relationships end in april. i dont know why. its almost like spring cleaning for feelings.. but yah, so he has been mopey and i made him a kill yrself cd playlist. and he made it into a cd for me, and then he made one himself and also burned it for me. so i have TWO new kill yrself cds, and right now "no lies, just love" by bright eyes is on. im listening to the one i made. maybe later i'll listen to his.. im not gonna know all the songs though. boo.

my throat is kinda bothering me. i am waiting for my annual sick to happen.. late april severe cold. i had one kinda recently.. so im hoping to skip this. but i had the white flecks a few weeks ago.. and i ignored them. maybe ill get scarlet fever. wouldnt that be fun?

i have to call my mom at 9. thats when my minutes start... im already 5 minutes over my daytime minutes. thats like.. $3. two more days.... if i can resist sending any text messages for the next two days i will be fine. we shall see.. so far, so good.. since i ran out of minutes on monday and i've only used five since. three of them were checking my voicemail. so there. self control is fun. i keep thinking i should up my minutes, but.. $70 for 700 minutes is ok. i dont wanna go up to like 1000.. that would be like $90 a month, and i dont need that. i wish i could get nights starting at 7! but i dont wanna extend my contract.. im already stuck with sprint until next june. like 2005 june. not two months june. im thinking about just chaging phones to get old skool text messaging back, instead of this short mail crap. when i saw the enigma last week i saw his phone and he still has SMS messaging, and his phone is nicER than mine. we shall see..

hehe candace has a blind date tomorrow.. someone from her work set her up with a good friend of theirs or something, and shes on the phone with him, and i hear her laughing and saying "im five-seven, but thats without heels" and she's all giggley like "i will be wearing a size 7 pants and ive been told that im slim." its kind of cute. it sounds like they are having a fun conversation, which is good, cos candace hasnt really been out with anyone in like a year, not since bill, who came around about the same time as the shit with the enigma started, so.. only she was able to end the shit with bill, and i am unable to end the shit with mine...

"autumn's monologue" is on. which is my theme song. *how could love be so thoughtless, so cruel.. when all, all that i did was for you*

i have to figure out the chronology of my life right now. so i shall here, since it works for me to write it out. ok. so its wednesday. and ive effectively wasted the whole day. im gonna call my mom, watch law and order and be on drugs. then tomorrow i have to do laundry and READ READ READ. riiiiight. im going to do my best. friday night im closing. then saturday im off work, so im going to get cursive tickets with ryan.. and study. sunday work in the morning, study at night.. monday im going to try to study all day, pick up my thesis.. then my orals. this is where things get complicated. ok. so im seeing cursive next week. i thought i could see them thursday. go to LI for tuesday night to maybe see joe and wednesday i could get my tattoo with emily.. thursday would be cursive, then id go back to LI friday for inside, which my bro is supposed to go to with me. but i have to be back for an 8 am server meeting sat morning. soo.. i was thinking maybe instead i should try to get tickets for wednesday to see cursive, then go to LI thursday for the tattoos, and see inside fri.. which would leave no boy time.. but then, im not guarenteed to see him if i go home tuesday, either.. so i dont knooooow. maybe ill just go twice. who cares. welli have to figure it outtttt. cos i have to deliver my thesis to rutgers by sunday...... ok ok ok. i think i will probably just end up going tuesday, coming back wed night after the tattoos or possibly thurs morning.. go to rutgers thursday to drop off the thesis before cursive.. and then go back to LI fri afternoon. and spend the night crying bc inside are SO GOOD. wait, though, we might have to see cirsive wednesday.. it depends when ryan is going to pittsburgh. ugh now its complicated.

*drivin in yr car, miss the stop sign, fall in love.. just to get knocked down* thursday

19 minutes till i can call mom. im watching 60 minutes. "after the movies" by cursive is on. *im so sorry, im so sorry, have i hurt you? i have hurt myself. these sad songs wont change anything. love as fragile as a wine glass, this could have been forever. love as fragile as a wine glass, it couldnt last forever. im so sorry. it should have been forever.*


ok im out for now.....

cross yr fingers that its dreams, not nightmares...

*i never said i would stay till the end*
the cure.

blah. blah.. just blah, really. i watched high fidelity with ryan, it was better than i remember it being. i think i saw it with chaz and antonia back in the day. he brought over the kill yrself cds that we made while he was at work today (i made a playlist, he made the cd, then he made a playlist and made a cd).. i wanna listen to them, but im not ready. well i am. but. you know how it is. i feel like listening to conan, not listening to the horribly depressing songs i've chosen for the gille version. i kind of wanna bring my radio back into my bedroom and listen to them while i journal later. cos i have much to say to the people who will never ever read that, the paper journal gets the stuff i cant admit here.

so emily said we could get our tattooes next time i go to LI. i have to email kurt so he can recommend someone on LI.. i hope he responds, bc lately he hasnt been very friendly. i think hes going to get married soon, and completely abandon me. he wont need me anymore.. i havent seen him in over a year, which is pretty depressing. we grew apart. its sad, he was my total nonromantic soulmate. i need not explain this phenomenon, if you know it, you know it. i will only say that you know you arent the ones for each other, but you love each other more deeply than romactic love at the same time. its a while 'nother level. but alas. jen hates me. it would be nice if she would get over eleventh grade, but. i cant make her trust me.

i havent played guitar since friday night. its not that i havent had time, really. well. sort of it is, bc i worked every night till tonight, and then i hung out with ryan instead of playing guitar. i think i will send candace some tabs tomorrow to print for me.. like "radio" and "sorry about that" by alkaline trio. i also think i could maybe learn "autumns monologue" by from autumn to ashes. we shall see. plus there is always more dashboard songs, which arent so hard to learn. my dad got me some guitar software for my computer, which im pretty psyched to look at.. i shouldnt play for the next two weeks, i should dedicate myself to history so i can have this gorgeous degree and get the fuck out of nyc. forever. YAY. oh new york. i will miss thee. but only a miniscule amount.

meeeep. im sober ish. i want to go to bed, but my okcupid friend just got back from chicago and we havent talked in like 4 days so im sitting here waiting for the email. i dont really anna smoke again, bc i need to function tomorrow, and ive already smoked more than enough to commemorate 420.

i bought us new handsoap today. its soft soap milk & honey. it smells delightful. there is some dial left, though, so i want to wash my hands as often as possible to rid us of that. not that i dont like dial, cos i do. i love the way it smells all disinfected. am i sick?

i have to go get cigarettes tomorrow. ugh. i didnt want to leave the house. and im upset that i have to go to rite aid, bc they charge sooo much, and im already over my spending limit for the week, but thats ok bc i have like $800 in the bank, even after may rent, which isnt even due for nine more days. and kim owes me $301. i want to go to the record store and exchange two cds. i also want to go to h&m to exchange a skirt kim got me. it looked silly on both of us, so its useless. i can get me something nice instead. i still have the gift card my brother and emily got me, too.. theres like $23 left on it. perhaps ill look into some underpants or some tank tops.

so i dressed up like i said i would today. well not DRESSED UP, but you know. i wore a camoflauge miniskirt and a black tanktop. i wore eyeliner and flip flops. ryan said i looked like a businesswoman from the neck up. not what i was going for, but ok.

so there was this boy on the subway today, he looked like an abercrombie boy, all american/exotic looking, you know, with freckles and new/vintage jeans, button down shirt. i didnt see the shoes though. his hair was as long as mine. he kept looking at me, and then he followed me to the G train, and got on the same car as me, and then stood next to me. and then like 2 minutes later, he left the train. before it even left the station. i was like "um, weird."

i ran into MANY people today who did not understand the concept of the walk side of an escalator. it made me angry. stay to the right if you are lazy. some of us are in a hurry, or dont like to stand still on a moving set of stairs. move it along, thaaaaanks.

ugh there is so much stuff that im burning to write down in here, but i caaaant bc its too personal and i told all the people i want to know.. but ugh. its for the paper journal, i know. i dont know why im shy about some things, but not others. like ill give the details of a visit with the enigma, but ill keep other occurances secret. ugh ugh ugh.

i could really go for some pizza. maybe ill get up and go into the city tomorrow. its supposed to rain thursday, and i have to do laundry then, anyway. so i could really just go and exchange my cds and my skirt, get cigs at a nice cheap duane reade, and get papers at the deli in times square. then, after im done with all that, i could go to the grocery store and get some dinner. perhaps some pasta, or some potatoes. maybe ill get more mozzerella cheese. some cookies. ok im being overzealous here. i think ill prob go with some pasta. but i still want to make some egg salad. i havent done that in quite some time. mmm. maybe ill go to keyfood tomorrow! we shall see how motivated i am. its likely that i will not be very motivated since i am soo good at being a waste of life. i wish it was gonna be sunny, i would go to the park and do my reading there. i HAVE TO buckle down RIGHT NOW though. tomorrow i will read at night. there is no show to watch, except law and order, which is on later anyway. i have to review my thesis and read three books.

id love to eat some cheddar cheese, but we dont have any siplock bags and im afraid to open it. im going to get fat.

ok im out. for now. perhaps ill find something to babble about again later. ive got like 2 hours left in me...

jesse: dennis rodman just gropped that girl!
jesse: did you see it?
gille: no i wasnt looking.
jesse: haha
gille: i was terrified by the group of people on stage [polyphonic spree]. i had to look away
jesse: whats their deal
jesse: are they hippies
gille: they are a small cult
jesse: no way
jesse: really?
gille: yes.
jesse: interesting....
gille: did you wanna join and wear the choral dress?
jesse: NO
gille: why not
jesse: why dont you join?
gille: bc they scare me

*im sinkin like a stone in the sea.. im burnin like a bridge for yr body*
brand new

fuckin tuesday naps.. ryans comin over to watch high fidelity in a little while. i have to watch one tree hill first, and hes way late. so dinner, one tree hill, then high fidelity. so i took a nap bc it was sunny and i felt like i should go ahead and lay in the sun of my window and not think about my life. but the nightmares came. i think ive had this nightmare before. it felt like it happened already. it was like deja vu in a dream, and i kept thinking it was a dream, but i couldnt wake up bc i was already half awake but unconscious and unable to wake up.. yah. in the dream i was younger, and i didnt look like me (i kept seeing myself from above, or at a slight distance, then through the eyes..), and it felt like i was in a horror movie. there was like a retarded man that lived next door and my dad let him come over for dinner and then it turned out he was superstrong, kind like sloth from goonies.. like way birth defected but of monster strength. and he tried to kill us. but he was faught off, and then my parents told me he was executed, but he wasnt and he came back. but i think my mind *willed* it back, bc for a wee bit i felt calm. and i started thinking "this isnt how the movie would go" and bam. and when he came back, he looked like gale harold (brian kinney from queer as folk. hot, hot man) and my dad had a little silver gun i gave him, and another neighbor was there with a rifle and they kept shooting.. and then i forced myself awake. i wakled out here in a daze, with my phone and my coca cola classic. i put the coke on the armrest of the futon, as i always do, and i kinda feel onto the couch cos i was still kinda half asleep.. and the coke fell over and the cap wasnt on tight, so it spilled all over the living room when it was all explodey and i ran to get a towel.. but i was still trying to wake up.. so it was like a travesty.

*if looks could really kill, then my profession would be staring*

they are making a ton of noise upstairs. i think ryan is home bc he called me a few minutes ago. i told him i have no daytme minutes so i had to just wake up by his call, and that he should come over whenever he's ready. i think i want pizza for dinner. he better hurry. if i miss ONE minute of one tree hill i will CRY.

oooooh and happy four twenty!

*they say you need to pray if you wanna go to heaven, but they dont tell you what to say when yr whole life has gone to hell*
brand new

that pretty much sums it up.

*now that i know that im breaking to pieces i'll pull out my heart and i'll feed it to anyone*
the cure.

so. now that we know this thing is not dead.. i guess im just blah. i was pretty depressed today, weird shit happened and i found myself laying on my side, staring out the window and thinking about what a failure i am, about how my life lacks any meaningful relationships.. it started at rudy's after work. it was kim and derek and me, drinking. and kim got up to go to the bathroom, and derek goes "this is why i dont kill myself." and i was like "this?" and he said "sitting outside in a garden, drunk, with good conversation and beautiful people." so kim got back and we started thinking of reasons to not kill ourselves, and i could only come up with two. i mean, they are two GOOD reasons, but still. i wish i had a million. or maybe like ten. but two. and they are, in no particular order: (1) bc it would be a great big FUCK YOU to my parents, like "hey i know you guys worked real hard to provide for me, and you helped me getting a masters, but hell, i dont appreciate it. fuck you, im gonna be selfish and die, mmmk?" and... shit. ive already forgotten.. oh, i remember.. (2) because i'm WAY too afraid that i'll miss something. when i was little i didnt sleep bc i was afraid i'd miss something, i didnt miss a day of school.. i always had to be there. and killing myself would make me miss a lot of things. it is therefore not an option. and i was sad that i only had two reasons, i was sad that one of them wasnt that i am able to form meaningful relationships.. bc i CANT. clearly. everything i do is empty and meaningless. i hate my job, i hate school, i hate my friends half the time.

so i think im on the edge of another nervous breakdown. its kind of overdue. i got home this morning and i was just like totally miserable. i had been a jerk to the enigma last night. i sent him a message saying "did i do something wrong? i feel like i dont hear from you since monday" and he was like "no not at all. i dont really know why. i feel like we havent really been texting either. its been hectic. we played a lot this week." and i was like "ok.. if you say so.." and i felt like that was a jerk thing to do. so i messaged him at like 830am, and i just said that i was sorry for being a jerk, and that i think im on the edge of a breakdown and that i should probably sleep for the rest of the week to hope my mind stops failing me.. i didnt hear back from him, so i went to sleep. i overslept for work today, which i NEVER do.. i got there 15 minutes late, and i finally heard back from him at 535. he was like "whats going on with you. are you ok. how was yr weekend? make a lot in tips?" and i said something like i made $600 but it didnt matter bc i was miserable and i wanted to cry constantly. so he asked why i felt like that and i told him it was bc i felt like ppl just used me and didnt really care about me. and that everything was empty and meaningless. so he asked why i thought i meant nothing to people.. and i said bc no one cares, bc its always using.. i dont remember exactly what i said, but he responded "stop. thats not true." and i was like "it IS true" and he said "why do i feel like yr yelling at me?" which irritated me. i mean, i guess it was his guilty conscience, bc he KNOWS he is using me, and using me worse than anyone else does, at that.. so i said "i dont know why you feel that way. you asked me what was wrong. why are you taking it personally?" and he said "i dont know. you rule and i feel like you dont know." and i think i said something like "i wish i knew that, too. but i dont. im sorry if ive upset you." he never responded. i rule? what? he tells me that ALLLL the time, but it doesnt make him wanna mean anything more than sex to me. or be responsible to me in any capacity. or even spend TIME with me. do i rule bc i'll send you dirty text messages, bc i know you love it? do i rule bc i LET you use me, for a YEAR now, without pressing the issue of you and me? and then i start to get mad at him, and think about last week, but i get stopped short by the little voice that goes "he tried to see you at 8:22am. yr phone didnt alert you. yr the one who slept all day and never checked for a text message. he WANTED to see you for the whole day." ugh. and its RIGHT. thats the worst part. that i cant even get that mad, bc he did make an effort. though it was WEAK and he could have called me. so thats that. im still confused. i dont think ill see him for a while.. im thinking mid-may, earliest, unless i go to LI next week. which i might.

anyway. bedtime. i wanna get up at 1030. i have this strange desire to look nice tomorrow, and i have therapy at 12. if i get up at 1030, then i can iron my hair and perhaps throw on some make up (!!!). i think i will wear a skirt.. i shaved my legs in the shower tonight, but i missed one hair on my left leg. or at least thats all ive noticed so far. and 6.5 hours works for me.. so goodnight, moon.

ok so perhaps its not dead. it wouldnt load for, like, ever. it kept saying something had to be downloaded. it was upsetting me. i thought my baby was gone forever. i almost cried. this weekend was interesting. i go kinda tipsy sat night, i went and had a drink with derek after work. came back here, had a beer with mike. worked sunday morning, and drinks with kim and derek after work, which led to drunkenness and foolishness. worked tonight. i made a lot of money this week.. probably like more than $650. not bad for four days of work. now i have a bunch of days off woohoo. must study! !!!! !!!!!

anyway im not interested in this right now. im going todo something else. i was just worried that my blog was dead, so i thought if i wrote it in, perhaps it woud be resurrected. and it has. so perhaps ill tell you about the boy later..

i think my blog is dead.

*is that what you call a getaway? tell me what you got away with, cos ive seen more spine in jellyfish, ive seen more guts in eleven year old kids.. have another drink and drive yrself home. i hope theres ice on all the roads, and you can think of me when you forget yr seatbealt and again when yr head goes through the windshield...
(and i cant let you let me down again.)*
brand new.

i have never been that angry in my whole life at another person. like ive been like "i hope you die" but i never really mean it. well, sort of. but i mean. never seething mad like i hope you die in a terrible car crash. well. hmm. actually, i have been that mad at people who were supposed to be my friends. never about a boyfriend/exboyfriend.. and it feels like this song isnt about a girl, but like being betrayed by a friend. so i dunno. the other angry songs are definitely about girls though. its so angry, yet so poppy. im listening to "seventy time 7" on repeat. i cant get over it right now. i dont know why, but this cd has taken over my entire life. if i could, i would listen to 1,2,3,8,9 constantly. over and over. and over. *so dont apologize.. i hope you choke and die!* what is better than angry gang vocals? oh.. nothing! anyway i thought i would start with those lyrics although they are not at all fitting.

my contacts are bothering me. i should take them out. i made like $200 tonight. i do not know how. i got a lot of shitty tips. i did make $51 tax free on a party, though, and i only waited on two tables for it. wooohooo. so im feeling secure in the fact that ive taken off like 6 days next week. i took of 4/24 for on the might of princes at arlene grocery, 4/26 for my orals, 4/27 just so he wouldnt schedule me to make up for all the other days i have off and id have to miss one tree hill, 4/28 and 4/29 for cursive, bc ryan hasnt gotten tickets yet and i had to request off by now.. and finally, 4/30 for the inside reunion. but alas, i have an 8am server meeting the next morning, so all appears to be lost. im going to be verrrry tired, and have to get back to brooklyn the night of the show. maybe ill somehow try to convince the enigma that we should hang out, and that he should drive me to brooklyn. but i think they are playin in n.c. on saturday, so they would have to drive through the night to get there, since they have a show on the 30th also.. hmm.. maybe they could drop me off.. i dunno though, i think that would be way awkward.

so anyway. our super, vientos aka marciano (he goes by both, i dont know what to call him), is coming here at 9:30 to do some wiring. i am very against this, as it 5:21 right now. only four hours sleep before my double tomorrow. UGH. i have to leave here at 11am. if they get done by 10, i can go back to sleep i suppose. this sucks.

um. so yah, i sent the enigma some text messages tonight. one at like 10 saying "so, what, now that we're back to our regular lives you dont sent me steamy messages?" and he didnt respond. so at like midnight i was like "...or any at all. :( well i hope all is well, ill talk to you..." grrr. i hate when he ignores me. maybe he does still have a girlfriend. i mentioned that kim cheated on gonzo and it seemed to make him uncomfortable. i dont know, i didnt *mean* to, we were talking about vegas and i said how derek and kim were fisky and possibly made out while i was sleeping, and i was like "she has a boyfriend." and he got all quiet. fucker. if hes been hiding her from me for like six months ill be a little upset. who am i kidding? it wouldnt change anything.

im going to bed, bc i am a failure. and morally reprehensible. i dont care if i spelled that wrong.

i just finished carrie pilby. now i feel sad and alone, and i miss carrie and kara and matt and ronald and cy already. miss caren lissner needs to write a sequel. please?

so. i could read slaughterhouse-five. or great expectations. or the love machine (thats the jacqueline susann book i mentioned a while back) or the half mammals of dixie. i also have, in this shoebox full of books linda got me for my birthday, blindness by jose saramago. which i have already read, and i loved. but the fact that ive read it already places it at the bottom of my list of priorities. i think i will pick a short one. great expectations is probably the longest, like 530 pages. i should also read the fountainhead. i HATE ayn rand though.. but, like bill says in the perks of being a wallflower, i must read it like a filter.. that will be on the summer reading list, i think. when i can dedicate myself to getting through it quickly and painlessly. oh and i also have that graphic novel, blankets, that ryan lent me.. but its like 900 pages long and heavy, and i think i should read it at home. well the susann book is also 500 pages.. dixie is about 300.. and slaughterhouse-five is.. 270. so i think ill read that first. i havent read any of kurt vonnegut's stuff before, so im looking forward to it. myspace mike said i should read brave new world. ill add that to the list..

anyway that is all. i just wanted to lament the loss of my fictional friends. perhaps sleep. perhaps no.

i see you everywhere.

*being lonely isnt about wanting to be with other people - its about wanting to be with people who really care about you.*
carrie pilby

thats the book im reading. i saw it when i was at borders a few months ago buying books for school. it looked interesting, like in a popfiction type of way. so my stepsister got it for me for my bday and im loving it. i can identify with carrie. i can identify with anyone. but yah. i have like 100 pages left, which i may read tonight or maybe tomorrow. i have to (try to) go to the PO tomorrow, but who knows really. i have work at 5, and id like to get there in time to eat something real quick. or maybe ill have pasta before i go.. but wouldnt that make me tired earlier? we shall see..

im kinda bored. candace went to bed way early tonight, she was up till like 2am last night, and so ive been chillin for the past hour and forty minutes. courtney love was on leno, she is so crazy that woman. shes funny but in a crackhead kind of way. now im watching conan. my okcupid buddy isnt going to be here tonight, his band is playing chicago so hes not going to be around for the weekend. which is normal, seeing as he works weeknights as the night doorman at this hotel.. and he usually doesnt work fri or sat nights. but i am usually working then. mike hasnt signed on yet, which is weird for him. i have no one to talk to, i already did the crossword. so now i shall blather for a wee bit. or maybe ill go read. but i wanna watch conan, too.

i sent the enigma a text message at midnight. just sayiing i was thinking of him and that i hoped the show was well tonight. but he didnt respond. perhaps they got back already, and hes asleep. perhaps not. who cares, really. he doesnt care about me. this was demonstrated monday. why i think he'll come through all the sudden is beyond me, really. i mean, he hasnt even been messaging me a lot since we saw each other on monday. he was in my dream this morning, and he wanted a cheeseburger so i went to get him some, but it was like impossible to find a fuckin burger. so i got into a cab (i think we were in like miami or something) and i tried to get to mcdonalds i was like "i'm just gonna get a 2 cheeseburgers meal" and the cabbie was descending through this garage and we were almost there, but it was gated off at the bottom so i said i'd be right back and i went through and i got the cheeseburgers, but to get there i had to jump off this really high wall... so i did and i tried to get back to the cab but he was gone and i was lost and i finally made it back to the place they were playing at, and they were gone.. and i felt sad. bc all i wanted to do was make him happy. so i told him about this dream (in the space of two texct messages so like only 300 characters lol) and HOURS later he responds "thats weird. well you know how i love burgers. i wonder what it means. i need to get a dream book." and i said it made me sad. and thats all that mattered.

im full but i still wanna eat. i dont know what to do with myself tonight. seriously. this is awful. i feel lonely for the first time in a long time. which is weird bc i felt so good this afternoon and evening. i was like.. i wore my yellow sweater today to commemorate the first day of sunshine in a while.. and when i came home from rutgers, i stopped at the grocery store and i picked up a nice dinner for myself, and it smelled like someone was baking fresh jelly donuts all up manhattan avenue.. i loved it. i felt so at home in greenpoint at that moment, i was walking up java st and it all made sense, it was dusk and the river was lit up real blue right in front of me.. and it was warm yet damp yet pleasant. and i thought i should wander around.. but i had like 900 printouts in my bag and i wanted to eat my dinner before the final apprentice started at 9. so i came home and listened to candace's bad day. watched extreme home makeovers. it was way touching. then we watched the apprentice, which was good i guess. i wasnt really for either of the candidates.. but it was candace and my show, so i had to watch. i wish i had a reeses peanut butter cup. not the white chocolate crap they are advertising on my tv at this very second, but the old school brown chocolate kind. white chocolate is like a product of the devil. it is not good. nosiree! no.

so in addition to my pasta, i got a hunk of mozzerella cheese (im so PMS i *need* mozz!), a hunk of cheddar, and a pint of haagan daz, which i was opposed to, only c-town had just ben and jerrys light (ew). so i went with vanilla fudge haagan daaz. which i cant spell. so there.

ooooh i picked up my thesis today, and dr. basch loved it. so just a few minor corrections.. i love that. im about to have acheived a masters education by being a slacker and skating. maybe im smarter than i think. or maybe im just a fabulous con artist who has conned herself a Masters somehow. well. i guess i wrote all the papers. so... i mean i *earned* it, but yah. i didnt work hard at all.

uup.. heres mike. not responding to my IM. perhaps it is the comment i made about him being a jerk sauce face on his myspace comments area. he was making fun of me in *my* comments, so i had to declare war.

i want to eeeat. i just took a break to eat a slab of mozzerella. and i got a new cherry coke, cos this ones almost out. i could have some more ice cream i suppose. but i dont wanna get fat. well kinda i do. but not really. i like my girlish figure, and i think i should hold onto it as long as possible since when i move to li i will be getting negative amounts of exercise. which will probably lead to me gaining weight. but hell you never know i was skinny when i lived there in the first place. and i was a sloth back then too. more than i am now, cos i didnt walk anywhere. or wait tables, which i swear is the secret to my success.

so ive succumbed to talking to chevys people right now. jesse and kathy. jesse asked me about nick before. he apparently misses him. however, for all i know that kid is living somehwere around lower manhattan being an asshole.

oooh chaz just signed on. like i would im him. after that email. but. whatever, i mean. i guess i dont understand the whole thing bc all i was trying to do was be friends again bc he meant so much to me, but he still hates me so much.. its not like i was asking him to get back together, bc im relatively sure that would be a bad idea. since until the enigma like dies or moves out of state, there will always be the chance that i would cheat on the boyfriend. which is why i abstain from forming relationships with people. bc i know i will not be faithful, and this is fair of me. diplomatic. im not trying to hurt anyone.

blah blah blah blah. im just gonna babble and babble cos no one reads this anyway and at least then i feel like im talking to someone. if my fingers are moving i feel less alone. so type i shall, while im holding on for mike and talking to jesse. woooo.

i found two little bugs in my bathroom tonight. im reminded that warmth is coming. i hear that we might reach 80 this upcoming week! i would die. i would drop everything and make my way on over to the park for some suntan enhancement.

i wanna go back to vegas. all i think about is playing roulette and making bigger bets. and winning! i want to go to atlantic city. and mohegan sun. i wanna gamble. constantly. i want to move to vegas. no ok, i do not want to move there. but i def wanna go again and have a better time and make big bets and come home rich. or poor. whatever, i just want it to be fun. i like fun. i wanna go with the enigma. that would be cute. us betting and making out. neat.

eeeep! eeeep!!! i so wanna im that boy chaz. he said i could whenever i wanted to, but like in the same breath that he said he'd been better off without me. and his away messages allude to a new love, so im happy for him, but somehow i think he would be less receptive to being my friend if hes in a relationship.

what the fuck is michael up to? this hold on has taken entirely too long. he's probably cyber making out with one of his internet girls. cos he da pimp lately. but then he meets them and there are no sparks and he must emerge alone and disillusioned, insisting: "im not like you, gille. i cant spend hours alone and be content." content. ha! i am certainly not content. if i were content, i wouldnt be trading the use of my body for a couple of hours of intimacy a month. to feel close to someone for like one hundred and eighty minutes.. for that i give him myself, and i remain miserable for the rest of the hours of the days of the weeks of the months till we meet again, and he acts like i mean something to him and he provides me with human contact and psuedo love for those three hours.. which isnt enough, but i make it enough bc its all i can manage from him.... content. ha!

ooooh i have peanut m+m's! YAY! YAY!

i need a haircut. i think ill wait till after this whole end of my education crunch is over.. since i need to work on my thesis and study for orals this week. UGH. im going to perish. or something. im way freaking out about this, i mean im not.. but im like. putting it off and i know ill get stressed but i wont collapse, i havent yet. tw more weeks and then im done! DONE DONE DONE! for ALL of may AND june AND july, i can just work and have 2-3 days a week off to read books and go to the park and find a new home on LI and get a kitty so he'll be old enough for me to take home on august 1 when i move back... and i can watch as much tv as i want with no deadlines and do things that make me happy (like sitting inside my apartment).. i wonder if ill become a hermit. ha i doubt it. considering i havent yet and i havent had classes at all this semester, either.

i just ate that whole bag of peanut m+m's, by the way. are you sick of me yet? you dont exist so you cant be. hahahahaha.

i kinda feel bad for fans of friends. because i know how it feels to lose yr show. when x-files ended, i was lost and lonely, and i had no idea what to do with my sunday nights. what will these people do on their thursdays? they look forward to friends, and following the lives of these people. kinda like how i get with books.. all drawn in and i get so upset when they end bc i know i can never get it back and that ill never read another wordabout mersault or charlie again.. because their stories have ended....

anyway im through with this crap now. i refuse to proofread. you figure out my spelling mistakes, mmmk? xoxo.

so i took this quiz to find out which thursday song i am at http://www.blogger.com/lofi/post.pyra?blogID=5864460

i am "how long is the night?" i am not surprised. its the song my title comes from:

You are "How Long is the Night?" Feeling critical and hurt, you might be having trouble sleeping, or perhaps even insomnia, like Thursday's lead singer, Geoff Rickly. The night seems neverending and you feel alone. Questioning and comtemplating, you find yourself dwelling on issues that seem to bring you down further.

***sigh***

*cant you see how yr all torn at the seams, and yr better off without me? how do i tell you these roses arent for you.. not for you..*
inside.

did i tell you that inside are playing a reunion on april 30 in wading river? this is unreal for me. they havent played since july 7, 1999. thats almost 5 years. for me, this is comprable to my high school reunion. bc seriously, going to my HS reunion would only be to keep katie company. i didnt make friends with the kids in my class, i had the entire hc/emo/punk scene at my disposal. i had friends all over the island. when i was a junior in HS, i was friends with the supermatchboxxx kids, who were seniors. then my senior year it was me and katie and jamie gates.. and anne, who was a junior. and guess what, im still friends with katie and jamie, so what do i need a reunion for? now an emo reunion? thats something else.. maybe ill run into sal and doug and frank and chris.. or maybe ill see wierd blasts from the past, like davin or pat or jon. jesus. what if the hauppauge girls go? i havent seen nicole or marla or diana in YEARS.. had i not been reunited with the enigma two years ago, id be wondering if he would be there. but alas, i think they are playing that night so he wont make it. ryan cant make it, either, bc he has to go to pittsburgh for work. i told him to play sick. i cant believe hes not going.. inside meant the world to us. we went to like every show together. its gonna be weird, maybe kneil and the sons kids, and todd and daryl from glassjaw will be there, i havent seen those kids since like 98 either, and i dont particularly care to, but i suppose that would be part of the high school reunion for me. another band that should play a reunion is splurge. that would be rad.. so anyway. im way nervous bc i think i will be going to a show sans entourage. im hoping i can get my brother to go with me. he doesnt like to go see the bup bc he doesnt particularly like the enigma, and he also doesnt like to go see the community service project bc of chaz. hes a wee bit protective, that brother, which i appreciate. but alas, i never dated a member of inside, i was a fan from afar, so there is no one going that he will be anti. plus this means the world to me, and im afraid i wont go if i have to go alone.

ryan wants to try to get our cursive tickets this weekend, but i dont think i have time to go with him.. if they dont play "fairytales" again i might cry. they should also play "after the movies" bc they didnt play *anything* from such blinding stars last time.. i suppose they like to stick to the ugly organ and burst and bloom with a little of domistica bc they have greta the chellist now and i guess she gets bored on the songs that dont require her.. but they are GOOD. and tim kasher rocks, even though he was wayyy drunk and not singing the songs right. ryan liked that better, cos that way he knew it was live, but i dont know. he was singing the wrong words. and fucking up my favorite parts. not cool tim. no way.

i need a shower so bad. i feel like im a pile of flith. which i probably am.. but still. i was gonna shower before ryan came over, but i fell asleep cos im a sloth. i talked to sean tonight which was nice. he is having debra drama.. which isnt surprising. i never understood why he cheated on her with jan of all people. i also never understood why he chose jan over debra, bc he and debra was so in love and so perfect for each other. eh he was like 18. perhaps he didnt know.

im feeling slightly fat tonight. im bloated, i really need for my period to come so as i can discontiue carrying around my weight in retained water. im so against retained water. plus im this pretty caramel color right now from vegas and covering my belly at all times is needless. i cant wait till i turn brown this summer. im going to sun till i can sun no more. i want to be TAN. like last summer. bc tan is fun. and the sun is fun. and i look more ethnic when tan. and its funny when people ask me where im from bc i look exotic and i get to say im mixed european. and they dont believe me, and insist i must be greek. yes, yr right, im wrong. of course.

still thinking of you. motherfucker. i try not to. really. im constantly trying not to think of you by diverting my attention onto other things but then yr stupid (gorgeous) green eyes flash into my mind, or yr stupid (adorable) sheepish grin.. or the way yr skin feels, or that sound you make when i run my hand across yr belly.. why do you look at me like that when i mean nothing to you? why do you smile down at me and be all comfortable? why why why why why?

YOU.MAKE.ME.HATE.YOU.
and you make me love you.
ugh. someday youll go away and leave this mess alone.
please?

*you.. you broke my heart before i had a chance to fall in love*
grade

fuckin. i cant stop thinking about you. i dont understand. ryan was over before, and we played dr mario and listened to brand new, and then we put in the cd he made me with this errortype:11 song i love and also stuff from merciana and lifetime.. and i love lifetime, bc they bring me back to the old days, but they sooo remind me of you. whenever i hear them im like imagining you listening to them. or i see you walking up my driveway with yr hands in yr pockets and yr shoulders shrugged close to yr body, and the way you walk with yr head down.. and then you finally look up and yr green eyes meet mine and we smile and our eyes flash.. how sheepish you always look, yr seemingly unending supply of black hoodies. whyyyyyy? and then i think about the future. i imagine that when im on li, you'll drop by all the time. but you wont. and if you do, it'll be for the same reasons that you stop by now. my therapist says hope is always the last thing to die. and that im overly hopeful all the time. not necessarily optomistic, i dont *know* things will be different, i just *hope.* which sucks. i cant even think straight. i didnt hear from you today, i didnt get any messages or anything. tomorrow yr playing upstate. then im working all weekend, and i thought perhaps id come home and try to see you but why would i do that? im sure you've had yr fill for now, and you can go back to yr regular life. it looks like no europe for you, but still. you'll be gone all summer. i hope i meet someone new while yr far away and i can forget the way you make me feel.

my mouth tastes weird, i ate a lot of things that dont really go together. i shall wash it all away with cherry coke. maybe ill go to bed soon. what is the point of being awake if its just thoughts of what will never be what i want it to be... i can sleep away the pain, cos i smoke it away while im awake. thus, another sign of my complete immaturity.

*shes been everybody else's girl, maybe one day she'll be her own*
tori amos

im feeling suspended today. like a waste of life. like i should go back to bed even though i just woke up 3 hours ago. and the king of queens is on in 25 minutes. im still in this awful place over that boy.. yesterday the messages were anything but enthusiastic, and he neglected to respond to me asking about his day. so whatever i guess. it must be true that im only worth the use of my body. i wonder if i'll end up like jennifer one day. from valley of the dolls. just giving up bc she was sure that she was nothing without her breasts. i mean, i dont have big boobs or anything, but i wonder if one day ill become so fed up with my life and the fact that im unloveable on a mental level that ill just be desperate and feel like its not worth it. i hope not.

i guess its better this way, with our lack of communication, bc i only have 35 daytime minutes left for the whole month. that has to last me seven days (cos there are two weekends in my cycle left).. my dad called me today but i have to wait till 9 to call him back. i feel bad bc he left a message saying "hi honey, i was just thinking of you and wanted to call and say hi." i should just call him back now, but..

i need a shower. and a nap. and a shower. why did i even get out of bed?

im napped. i feel out of it, very out of it. i woke up petrified. in my dream, i had to slit my cats throat.. not either of the cats that are alive now, but the one that died when i was 18. i dont know why i had to, i dont know if he was sick or something. or if i was made to do it against my will i dont remember that part of the dream.. and i did it wrong, and he was suffering but i didnt know what to do bc i couldnt do it again but it was too far to the vet to see if i could save him. and the whole time i was freaking out bc i had done this but i couldnt go through with it even though i could see him being tortured..... see. this is why i dont sleep.

*i shot the pilot, now im begging you to fly this for me. im here for you to use, broken and bruised. do you understand? it's only you, beautiful. or i dont want anyone. if i can choose, it's only you. but how could i miscalculate... perfect eyes will have perfect aim. if i can choose, it's only you.*
brand new.

im tired. its only 5 pm. i think i might nap soon. id miss the king of queens, but thats better than missing one tree hill bc i fall asleep on the couch later. i would cry. i missed it in vegas.

i put up some pics on myspace.. one of my tattoo and a bunch from vegas. http://www.myspace.com/2174465.usr thats the address. wooohoooo. good times. the pics from my bday came out awful. i must have looked like crap. sigh. i did not scan any.

saw the enigma yesterday. it made me sad. the original plan was that he was gonna take off monday to spend the whole day with me.. but then he realized he had to take a half day thursday and didnt wanna take two days so he was gonna hang out with me after work monday, and then take off thursday the whole day and spend the morning with me. but some crap happened, he had to drive jeff to the train in the morning and found his radiator leaking, so he called off work anyway and texted me at 822 saying he wanted to see me. however, my phone opted not to alert me of my new messages.. and i stayed asleep. i did wake up at like 833. i determined which kitty was in my bed, looked at my phone and went back to sleep. fuck. so i wake up at 230, and i go to send him a message and find three waiting for me. fuck! so i said i was awake and he said hed be over in a bit. he gets to my place at like 315, and we lay down for a little while, then we decide to go get a movie. on the way to blockbuster, i said we should eat, so i asked if he wanted to get diner or something quick, and he said we should get something quick bc he had to pick up jeff at the train at 6. i was so mad. cos not only did he take off the day and now couldnt take off thursday, he was cutting down our time to like 2 hours. that made me so upset, i was like.. what the hell.. and so he told jeff to take a later train. that didnt really help though. why talk all this shit? why tell me you wanna spend the whole day with me, why tell me you want to cuddle, when you are scheduling another booty call with me? conveniently making plans for later.. you said youd drive me to the fucking train. but now yr bailing early and cancelling thursday. so we argued and i didnt talk about it like i should have. i mean, he knew he was upsetting me. i said i was going to go downstairs to get my laundry after we got back to my house and hes like "are you mad?" and i was like "no." and he was like "disappointed?" and i was like "yah maybe" and i walked away. came back and laid down with him.. we watched school of rock and then stuff happened. after, we were laying in my bed and he fell asleep.. i laid there and i cried silently. i stared at the wall thinking that everything he said to me in the past two weeks was a lie. that he probably didnt mean it when he said "lately thats all i think about. its all i want. you." or "i constantly wish you were with me, wherever i am." cos if it was true, you wouldnt always be bailing, youd WANT to see me. and i dont understand, cos it *is* more than sex, we talk and we joke and we can just be together without the physical part.. but at that moment it felt like nothing. it felt empty and meaningless. i cant explain it. it wasnt the same kind of empty and meaningless as, say, baxter, bc that was totally impersonal. it was still participatory, he talked to me and looked into my eyes and all the things that make it personal. and meaningful. but it was lacking at the same time. and it made me sad. i could feel him sleeping, all twitchy like, and i hoped that it would end before he woke up. i did not move, i laid there with tears falling out of my eyes, not breathing. and then he woke up. i made like my eye itched and wiped away the tears. he asked me if id been sleeping. i said no. and i started crying hard. i buried my face in my pillow and he asked if i was crying. i said no, but it was obvious i was. he put his amrs around me and kissed my back softly. he told me he wanted me to be happy. he kissed the top of my head. i apologised for being PMSy. and i said i was sorry if id ruined everything. instead of saying how hurt i was, how insiginificant his change of plans had made me feel.. i turned to face him, and i cuddled up to him, and he continued to kiss the top of my head softly. and he giggled at himself for it, apparently thinking he was adorable. he was like "little soft kisses!" and i thought about how much i hate him for being so fucking adorable. i walked him out and we said goodbye. he kissed me. i hugged him. he got in the car and he kissed the air like "come give me a kiss" and i did.. i wanted to cry again. i tried so hard not to cry in the first place. i couldnt stop. i just wanted to be ok or pretend i was ok. i got back to brooklyn last night and he had IMed me. i dont know when. perhaps it was when he was wishing i would respond to his text. i didnt understand why he didnt just call me. he said "we never talk on the phone" and i said "we used to talk on the phone all the time." and he said "that was before text messaging." grr. but i think ill retreat again. he will too, im sure. he'll fade into my background for a few weeks until i can feel like im over him. then the messages will start more frequently, he'll miss me. endless cycle. im not even going to say im staying away anymore, bc im a fucking failure.

anyway. im going to take a nap. mike is coming over around 1130, i got some board games today, risk and scattergories. this is my THIRD scattergories, mind you. my ex, rich, stole the first one. i left the second in casey's dorm room right before nick and i broke up and i severed ties with the pace community.. this one, im fuckin putting an alarm on or something. were gonna smoke and play board games and eat mashed potatoes. i should rest up. perhaps ill wake up around 8 and play guitar for an hour. anyway about that. i was going to take a nap... go look at my fabulous pics.

*i want a perfect body. i want a perfect soul. i want you to notice when im not around. i wish i was special. yr so fuckin special. but im a creep. im a weirdo. i dont belong here. what the hell am i doing here? i dont belong here.*
radiohead.

i dont like radiohead as a general rule, but for some reason this song was in my head all night. after we closed, i was like yelling the words while doing roll ups with lee. we were waiting for shasta to clean her tables so we could go to the diner. radiohead is jesse's favorite band.

when we were in vegas, kim and derek and i were sitting by the pool and derek goes, "do you ever find that the song thats in yr head when you wake up can determine yr entire day?" and i had never really noticed. lately ive been thinking about it, but i still havent remembered to notice if there was a song in my head when i woke up. usually there are conflicting songs. lately its been a lot of brand new. "creep" is in my head now, and im not sure when it will go away. i am trying to think of a new song but every time it just goes back to "creep." so i stopped trying. ive coalesced.

work was wayyyy busy tonight, i sold $1,847. i had some really shitty tips, like 10 on 153 and .50 on 35. my last table hooked me up, they left 25 on 117, and i had like 3 or 4 tips that were 20 or more. most were between 12 and 15 percent though, boo. so i only walked with $213, which was upsetting, bc i totally had the potential to break $250 if i had better people. but yah, so we ended up all closing, and after work i went to westway with derek, shasta, justin and lee. then kim and jesse met up with us like 20 minutes later. i had my usual - two eggs fried over easy with american cheese melted on top and white bread toast (which shasta thinks is the cutest thing.. that i say "white bread toast." shes like "'white toast' accomplishes the same thing.. thats so cute") with mashed potatoes instead of french fries. and a corona. i mixed it up a little, and i also got a baked potato with brocolli and cheese, which wasnt that good. i think i had it once before and it wasnt that good then either. perhaps that time i went to the diner with gabe.

im fuckin tired. its almost 5 am, i have to work again in the morning.. at 12. which means i need to get up by like 1045. i also have to go to LI tomorrow, hopefully i will get out of work by like 5, come here, pack a small bag for the night, and maybe catch a train around 8. that sucks, i know, but.. no one would pick up my shift. i have to print out resumes while im at home (hopefully). ive rescheduled my orals for two weeks from now so i dont have to study as intensely as i thought i would. i can read the first book tomorrow on the train and at home.. then monday i can start the nancy cott book, which dr. satter says will take me a little time to get through. nancy cott is complicated. i wonder if jan will want me to read extra, but i doubt it. im supposed to just know about the peroid, i think, and my concentration was colonial american. i need to email her to ask her what kind of questions get asked at orals so i can better prepare myself. im way happy that 1/3 of my orals are going to be written. maybe i'll just have to write a paper or something. i suck at talking, so im very nervous.

my right tonsil is swollen again. i hate that shit. i think i was developing strep a few weeks ago, but it cleared up. webmd said i should get antibiotics so as not to let it develop into scarlet fever or rhuemetic fever. but i dont have health care, so no antibiotics for me. i need new contacts so bad. i think that will be my next venture. ill talk to my mom about it tomorrow, she has a friend who is an opthamalogist (spelling?) and she said he might do the exam for free and let me have contacts at cost. which would ROCK. cos im broke and my eyes are deteriorating by the second. i wonder if i could get my glasses perscription renewed, and my glasses refitted. that might be too costly. new contacts would do me just right about now.

last easter at this time, i was laying in bed with the enigma. they were driving home from playing in baltimore, and they picked me up bc his parents were out of town. it was really awkward for me, id never met the rest of the band before, and he had just broken up with his gf two days before.. so i was like they have to know that this is a major booty call. but yah. we went back to his house and had our first time. he sent me a txt before and i told him that it was the one year anniversary. he asked if i wanted to celebrate. in my mind i thought: "yah right. lets celebrate our first booty call.." cos i mean. they picked me up at 3am, we got to his house at like 430. he gave me his pajamas and threw in office space, watched like 9 seconds of it before we were half naked. fell asleep together and woke up at 10 so he could drive me to the smithtown train station bc i had to work at 1230. at least that time we got to fall asleep together. i still cant believe its been 10 months since we woke up together. and that sucks.

anyway sleep i shall....