Monday, August 27, 2007
i've got nothing here but loneliness, holes in walls and bleeding fists. my head is pounding like a pillow, like a big black song.
well my friends and I try to tell me you're gone. won't listen to myself or anyone. you got on a plane and off you went. you're never coming back again.
i'm trying to convince myself it's true, convincing myself i'll be just fine without you.. i'll be just fine without you.. i'll be just fine without you, i'll be here telling myself it's true.
well my friends and I try to tell me you're gone. won't listen to myself or anyone. you got on a plane and off you went. you're never coming back again.
i'm trying to convince myself it's true, convincing myself i'll be just fine without you.. i'll be just fine without you.. i'll be just fine without you, i'll be here telling myself it's true.
alkaline trio
still miss you. still thinking of you constantly. i got through the whole day without texting you. i was so proud of myself.. and then you im me at 11:15. i almost got through the day being fine without you. somewhat fine. not fine at all...
..i'd kill for you and eat flesh, give you the heart and burn the rest, a thousand miles ain't shit to walk if i'm walkin to hold you..
why am i obsessed with you coming back to me? yr making me cds, pinback cds, and yr MAILING them to me. that's how badly you DON'T want to see me, yet i'm still madly in love with the idea of us. it makes no sense. it's senseless. why are you so perfect for me, yet not wanting to be with me? you said maybe you needed to see other girls to see how perfect i am for you. what a cop out. you might as well have never said that, because now i am focused on the idea that you just need to see that our existence is imperfect if we aren't together. fixated.
i want to be with you every day. i want to hold yr hand, lightly stroking yr arm.. i want to scratch yr beard, put my arms around you and hug and hug and hug. i want to hold you every morning. and every night. i want you to hold my hand every night while we sleep. every night for the rest of our lives.
i'm obsessed with the without a trace theme song. it's moby. i don't typically like moby at all, but this song hits me. touches me.
there are several ways to commit suicide without dying dying.
i think that's the line. from choke.. chuck palahniuk.
it's 230am. i have to be up in three hours to drive michael to jfk for his flight to portland. i don't know if sleeping is even worth it. i'll go to bed in an hour or so. sleep a little. come back from the airport, sleep some more. go to the police station to get my accident report. start hounding penske moving trucks for their insurance info and then going after their insurance to get a rental car and my car fixed. this is hell. driving mike's car is going to be hell. getting to the rental car place is going to be hell. life is hell. but it would be more bearable if i knew i was going to see you in 6 or 7 days. not 47. forty seven. f-o-r-t-y s-e-v-e-n. a lifetime. i changed my myspace song to pinback. a little bit of you. i miss you so much and it's been just over 48 hours since you walked out of my life.
kasha sleeps so cutely. she's so gorgeous. crazy cat lady it is. i'll just get a few more cats. like 5.
47. 47. 47. 47. 47.
i hate that number. it's my new least favorite number. tomorrow my least favorite number will be 46. then 45. and so on.
yr pillow on my bed still smells of yr skin. inhale deeply, pretend yr still here. instead of 47 days away. i just want you here. i want you here for every day. i have never felt this way before. i've never felt so strongly that having anyone (you) as a daily part of my life would make everything bright and shiny and perfect.
i failed at doing laundry today. no shower. no clean towels.
i think i must be insane.
still miss you. still thinking of you constantly. i got through the whole day without texting you. i was so proud of myself.. and then you im me at 11:15. i almost got through the day being fine without you. somewhat fine. not fine at all...
..i'd kill for you and eat flesh, give you the heart and burn the rest, a thousand miles ain't shit to walk if i'm walkin to hold you..
why am i obsessed with you coming back to me? yr making me cds, pinback cds, and yr MAILING them to me. that's how badly you DON'T want to see me, yet i'm still madly in love with the idea of us. it makes no sense. it's senseless. why are you so perfect for me, yet not wanting to be with me? you said maybe you needed to see other girls to see how perfect i am for you. what a cop out. you might as well have never said that, because now i am focused on the idea that you just need to see that our existence is imperfect if we aren't together. fixated.
i want to be with you every day. i want to hold yr hand, lightly stroking yr arm.. i want to scratch yr beard, put my arms around you and hug and hug and hug. i want to hold you every morning. and every night. i want you to hold my hand every night while we sleep. every night for the rest of our lives.
i'm obsessed with the without a trace theme song. it's moby. i don't typically like moby at all, but this song hits me. touches me.
there are several ways to commit suicide without dying dying.
i think that's the line. from choke.. chuck palahniuk.
it's 230am. i have to be up in three hours to drive michael to jfk for his flight to portland. i don't know if sleeping is even worth it. i'll go to bed in an hour or so. sleep a little. come back from the airport, sleep some more. go to the police station to get my accident report. start hounding penske moving trucks for their insurance info and then going after their insurance to get a rental car and my car fixed. this is hell. driving mike's car is going to be hell. getting to the rental car place is going to be hell. life is hell. but it would be more bearable if i knew i was going to see you in 6 or 7 days. not 47. forty seven. f-o-r-t-y s-e-v-e-n. a lifetime. i changed my myspace song to pinback. a little bit of you. i miss you so much and it's been just over 48 hours since you walked out of my life.
kasha sleeps so cutely. she's so gorgeous. crazy cat lady it is. i'll just get a few more cats. like 5.
47. 47. 47. 47. 47.
i hate that number. it's my new least favorite number. tomorrow my least favorite number will be 46. then 45. and so on.
yr pillow on my bed still smells of yr skin. inhale deeply, pretend yr still here. instead of 47 days away. i just want you here. i want you here for every day. i have never felt this way before. i've never felt so strongly that having anyone (you) as a daily part of my life would make everything bright and shiny and perfect.
i failed at doing laundry today. no shower. no clean towels.
i think i must be insane.
Sunday, August 26, 2007
take me take me back to yr bed, i love you so much that it hurts my head
i don't mind you under my skin, let the bad part in, the bad parts in
brand new
i don't mind you under my skin, let the bad part in, the bad parts in
brand new
still missing you more than i feel i can explain..
all i want is to feel you near me, or to at least know that i would see you, feel you, soon. but that's not going to happen. i need to live like yr never coming back, because you aren't..
made a list of reasons why i shouldn't like you. 11 items. compared that to why i should. 3 items. but those three little things so outweigh the negatives.. they aren't important when i think about how my heart hurts to think yr gone for 48 more days. and trying to forget me. i wonder if you miss me. i wonder if everything is the same for you, or if it's broken and bleeding like my heart is. i'm sure yr fine.
i'm so tired. it's after 5am, but yr all i can think of. i want to read text messages and fall asleep knowing that i'll see you within a 7 day time frame.
woke up to tears again today. at 330pm. i'm not sleeping. i'm up all night.
someone hit my car today. you were the first person i called.. i couldn't think of anyone else. mike was here in a flash when i called him, but i can't feel for him the way i feel for you now. why can't i feel anything for anyone other than you? why why why???
i'm so afraid that i'll never find someone i connect to the way i connect to you. and it's so much more than physical. i mean, it's an emotional bond, we're friends first.
but it doesn't matter. yr gone, and i have to move on or die alone.
i think i'll choose the latter..
all i want is to feel you near me, or to at least know that i would see you, feel you, soon. but that's not going to happen. i need to live like yr never coming back, because you aren't..
made a list of reasons why i shouldn't like you. 11 items. compared that to why i should. 3 items. but those three little things so outweigh the negatives.. they aren't important when i think about how my heart hurts to think yr gone for 48 more days. and trying to forget me. i wonder if you miss me. i wonder if everything is the same for you, or if it's broken and bleeding like my heart is. i'm sure yr fine.
i'm so tired. it's after 5am, but yr all i can think of. i want to read text messages and fall asleep knowing that i'll see you within a 7 day time frame.
woke up to tears again today. at 330pm. i'm not sleeping. i'm up all night.
someone hit my car today. you were the first person i called.. i couldn't think of anyone else. mike was here in a flash when i called him, but i can't feel for him the way i feel for you now. why can't i feel anything for anyone other than you? why why why???
i'm so afraid that i'll never find someone i connect to the way i connect to you. and it's so much more than physical. i mean, it's an emotional bond, we're friends first.
but it doesn't matter. yr gone, and i have to move on or die alone.
i think i'll choose the latter..
Saturday, August 25, 2007
i'm goin crazy, i think about you constantly
* plow united *
i'm pretty much lost right now.
i went to Costa Rica. it was gorgeous. no sloth sightings. so sad.. but i love it there, and i will definitely return and go to the sloth hospital/rehabilitation center. maybe i can even cuddle one there.
was home for a few weeks, then i went to georgia with jan. that was fun also. until my second to last day, when i got involved in a discussion with tom about us. he wants to be single. i have no choice. i can't convince him to stay. i'm a mess though. a disaster. he's so right for me. i'm so right for him. he's an idiot. i only want to love him.
i'm too old for this.
i think i might be insane. i don't know why i have such intense feelings for someone who cannot be with me. i feel like i'm 19 again. 22. not 27. i'm supposed to be married by now. or at least engaged. yet i'm still pining.
i think i convinced myself that this was right, that this was it. because there is not much convincing necessary.. we're so perfect. common interests. amazingly happy when we are together. a complementary pair. he is what i need, i am what he needs. but it's not meant to be. and i can't understand why.. i can't grasp the reasoning of the fates for us to not be meant for each other.
i let myself start to fall in love when i knew it would end badly.
we have tickets to see pinback on october 6th. 7 weeks from tomorrow. that is when i'll see him again. in 49 days. the 49 longest days of my life, i guess. 1176 hours.
i can't unwrap my emotions from around him. i'm tangled.
the past two days were perfect. wednesday was far from perfect.. he picked me up at newark airport and i was tearful through dinner and the drive to my apartment. but we watched a movie, and we cuddled. he slept in my bed, cuddling all night. he holds my hand in his sleep. awoke thursday morning to go to montauk.. shared a bagel on the way, held hands in the car the whole way.. talking, laughing, listening to music.. we got to montauk after a 3 hour drive.. went to the lighthouse, where he paid, and climbed the 137 stairs to the top. no view, too much fog. went for a long hike through hither woods preserve and hither hills park. beautiful scenery, a white-tailed deer, and sporadic sweet kisses on the cheek. pancakes for dinner, where he paid again. joking about asking directions to the gazebo. the long drive back, socializing with my dad, who i'm pretty sure thinks tom and i are an item. which i'll have to explain that, no, we aren't. holding hands continually while in the car. he holds my free hand with both of his, gently rubbing my fingertips. we arrive at my apartment and i let him nap while i shower. we watch a movie, cuddle. he stays the night again. i let him sprawl across the bed, diagonal. holding my hand. waking to cuddles.. i call in sick to my eyebrow appointment because i can't bear the thought of not having his body beside mine, not getting a proper goodbye.. a trip to all american burgers, holding hands, he pays again. return here, i cry. i can't say goodbye. i can't i can't i can't. i know that when he leaves it's gone, he's gone and he's gone for a long time. this is not reversible. he will not see how much he misses me, that he needs me. i need to keep him here, i can't let him out of my sight because it's over when he drives away. avoiding phone calls, i'm crying, i'm telling him this is killing me and he's explaining that it's his fault, he's a mess. it's not me, it's any girl.. two years single hasn't been enough. he needs to be single. i can't stop crying, he's kissing me. why is he kissing me? we're copying the cds we made for atlantic city on to my computer and i don't want it to end. please don't end. please..... but it does, three cds are now on my computer and there is nothing keeping him here. he's begging me to end this on a good note, and i can't not cry. i need to be stronger, a bigger person, but i don't have it in me. i need him to stay. he says "walk me out?". i do. he holds my hand to the elevator. in the elevator. my eyes are swollen. it's bright outside, he has my plow united cd. we arrive at his car and a new wave of tears washes over me. he's leaving, this is goodbye, this is GOODBYE. he hugs me, he won't met go. he kisses me, again and again, always returning to the hug. i say goodbye. i can't hold on anymore, need to do this quick, like ripping off a band-aid. i'm saying goodbye, i'm walking away. i don't look back before i enter my building, i don't want to see him because i'll run back, i'll run back screaming "don't go" or "please stay" or.. i don't know. it'll be dramatic. there's nothing i can do. he's home in new jersey, i'm here on long island. two rivers and the island of manhattan between us. a world away, and 49 days.. forty nine days. forty nine days.....
if i could tell you that i'd fallen for you, that i had fallen in love with you, it wouldn't matter. you'd still be on the mainland and i'd still be here. i'd still be the perfect girl for you, who you couldn't be with. i'd still be me, unlucky in love. i'd still feel like vomiting every five seconds. so i listen to "loro" and i cry because it sounds like you.
like i cry now.
like i'll cry later.
like i'll....
i swear i love you. and i hate that yr gone. i'm too old for this. unrequited love.. i'm too old.....
* plow united *
i'm pretty much lost right now.
i went to Costa Rica. it was gorgeous. no sloth sightings. so sad.. but i love it there, and i will definitely return and go to the sloth hospital/rehabilitation center. maybe i can even cuddle one there.
was home for a few weeks, then i went to georgia with jan. that was fun also. until my second to last day, when i got involved in a discussion with tom about us. he wants to be single. i have no choice. i can't convince him to stay. i'm a mess though. a disaster. he's so right for me. i'm so right for him. he's an idiot. i only want to love him.
i'm too old for this.
i think i might be insane. i don't know why i have such intense feelings for someone who cannot be with me. i feel like i'm 19 again. 22. not 27. i'm supposed to be married by now. or at least engaged. yet i'm still pining.
i think i convinced myself that this was right, that this was it. because there is not much convincing necessary.. we're so perfect. common interests. amazingly happy when we are together. a complementary pair. he is what i need, i am what he needs. but it's not meant to be. and i can't understand why.. i can't grasp the reasoning of the fates for us to not be meant for each other.
i let myself start to fall in love when i knew it would end badly.
we have tickets to see pinback on october 6th. 7 weeks from tomorrow. that is when i'll see him again. in 49 days. the 49 longest days of my life, i guess. 1176 hours.
i can't unwrap my emotions from around him. i'm tangled.
the past two days were perfect. wednesday was far from perfect.. he picked me up at newark airport and i was tearful through dinner and the drive to my apartment. but we watched a movie, and we cuddled. he slept in my bed, cuddling all night. he holds my hand in his sleep. awoke thursday morning to go to montauk.. shared a bagel on the way, held hands in the car the whole way.. talking, laughing, listening to music.. we got to montauk after a 3 hour drive.. went to the lighthouse, where he paid, and climbed the 137 stairs to the top. no view, too much fog. went for a long hike through hither woods preserve and hither hills park. beautiful scenery, a white-tailed deer, and sporadic sweet kisses on the cheek. pancakes for dinner, where he paid again. joking about asking directions to the gazebo. the long drive back, socializing with my dad, who i'm pretty sure thinks tom and i are an item. which i'll have to explain that, no, we aren't. holding hands continually while in the car. he holds my free hand with both of his, gently rubbing my fingertips. we arrive at my apartment and i let him nap while i shower. we watch a movie, cuddle. he stays the night again. i let him sprawl across the bed, diagonal. holding my hand. waking to cuddles.. i call in sick to my eyebrow appointment because i can't bear the thought of not having his body beside mine, not getting a proper goodbye.. a trip to all american burgers, holding hands, he pays again. return here, i cry. i can't say goodbye. i can't i can't i can't. i know that when he leaves it's gone, he's gone and he's gone for a long time. this is not reversible. he will not see how much he misses me, that he needs me. i need to keep him here, i can't let him out of my sight because it's over when he drives away. avoiding phone calls, i'm crying, i'm telling him this is killing me and he's explaining that it's his fault, he's a mess. it's not me, it's any girl.. two years single hasn't been enough. he needs to be single. i can't stop crying, he's kissing me. why is he kissing me? we're copying the cds we made for atlantic city on to my computer and i don't want it to end. please don't end. please..... but it does, three cds are now on my computer and there is nothing keeping him here. he's begging me to end this on a good note, and i can't not cry. i need to be stronger, a bigger person, but i don't have it in me. i need him to stay. he says "walk me out?". i do. he holds my hand to the elevator. in the elevator. my eyes are swollen. it's bright outside, he has my plow united cd. we arrive at his car and a new wave of tears washes over me. he's leaving, this is goodbye, this is GOODBYE. he hugs me, he won't met go. he kisses me, again and again, always returning to the hug. i say goodbye. i can't hold on anymore, need to do this quick, like ripping off a band-aid. i'm saying goodbye, i'm walking away. i don't look back before i enter my building, i don't want to see him because i'll run back, i'll run back screaming "don't go" or "please stay" or.. i don't know. it'll be dramatic. there's nothing i can do. he's home in new jersey, i'm here on long island. two rivers and the island of manhattan between us. a world away, and 49 days.. forty nine days. forty nine days.....
if i could tell you that i'd fallen for you, that i had fallen in love with you, it wouldn't matter. you'd still be on the mainland and i'd still be here. i'd still be the perfect girl for you, who you couldn't be with. i'd still be me, unlucky in love. i'd still feel like vomiting every five seconds. so i listen to "loro" and i cry because it sounds like you.
like i cry now.
like i'll cry later.
like i'll....
i swear i love you. and i hate that yr gone. i'm too old for this. unrequited love.. i'm too old.....
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
new map!
added tennessee. YAY. oh and west virginia. which i'm NOT proud of.
create your own personalized map of the USA
added tennessee. YAY. oh and west virginia. which i'm NOT proud of.
create your own personalized map of the USA
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