Wednesday, March 18, 2009
i'm annoyed. work is annoying. class sizes have increased dramatically and it's the second half of the year. everyone has senioritis, even if they aren't seniors. i'm so tired of caring more about the kids graduating than they do. i'm tired every day. i come home and lay on the couch. i have no motivation. i get in trouble at work all the time for ridiculous things. it is very very draining. being a teacher is such a great job for me, but it's so much work. it's so stressful and working with the kinds of kids i work with takes so much out of you. i'm trying to think of the pros and cons of my job. i need to make a list and really evaluate it. because if the pros don't outweigh the cons, i'm not sure how long i can do this.
my relationship is pretty blah also. at first, i had this affectionate, caring, amazing man. now i have mr. comfortable. we spend one night a week together. he's too busy with his meetings all the other days. i text him at night most days and ask how his day was. he rarely asks how mine was. he hasn't been loving or anything since valentines day. we had a big fight a few weeks ago and i thought we were going to break up. i almost feel like we should have. i don't know if he is able to give me what i need at this point in time. he's still recovering. i can respect that, and i want him to be well, but i want the earlier version of him back. i want to feel special again, and wanted. i want him to tell me he misses me once in a blue moon. he is supposedly getting me a day at the spa for my bday, and i'm looking forward to it. knowing that he thought of something so nice and did the research (we looked at websites for different spas together last weekend) and all that is really cool.. it shows that he thinks of me when i'm not around. but i need to know on a more regular basis. he hasn't told me that he booked my day at the spa yet. in fact, last night he was sort of hands off in convo. tonight i'm not even going to bother. it's his busy night, so it's useless. i'll get in touch with him tomorrow. the thing that sucks is that by not feeling special or important, and only seeing him less than 2 hours per week, makes me really, really insecure. i miss him less lately. i'm beginning to care less. this is me protecting myself. i start to wonder if this is convenience for him. i know the basics of the secrets he keeps. he doesn't have to re-explain. it's someone to keep him company on saturday night. can a relationship go anywhere when you see each other next to never? at valentines day, i could have sworn he was falling in love with me. and then a switch flipped. and now i feel like a time killer. someone to hang out with. he plays video games. he doesn't ever just kiss me out of nowhere. and last weekend, when we had sex for the first time in a month, he hardly even looked at me. i'm probably being insane. but it's important to me to feel important, and i don't. so i guess we'll see what happens...
so that's that. i mean, life sucks. i have the job of my dreams and the man of my dreams, and neither appear to really be working out for me at the moment. they're working on paper, but my head is a mess.
i cured my bought of depression for the day with a nice trip to the shopping mall, where i spent a ton of money i don't have, buying 2 pairs of pants, 3 tank tops (and it's still in the 40s out), a dress shirt (on sale for $40!), 4 pairs of socks, some body shop body scrub and matching lotion, aaaand.. i guess that's it. i wanted to buy incense but the stand is gone. so i don't know how to get any. i think the internet will be the best bet.
ok. concentrate on nets game, watch jeopardy at half time. dinner is beeping away in the microwave. i can't wait to go to bed. stupid life.
my relationship is pretty blah also. at first, i had this affectionate, caring, amazing man. now i have mr. comfortable. we spend one night a week together. he's too busy with his meetings all the other days. i text him at night most days and ask how his day was. he rarely asks how mine was. he hasn't been loving or anything since valentines day. we had a big fight a few weeks ago and i thought we were going to break up. i almost feel like we should have. i don't know if he is able to give me what i need at this point in time. he's still recovering. i can respect that, and i want him to be well, but i want the earlier version of him back. i want to feel special again, and wanted. i want him to tell me he misses me once in a blue moon. he is supposedly getting me a day at the spa for my bday, and i'm looking forward to it. knowing that he thought of something so nice and did the research (we looked at websites for different spas together last weekend) and all that is really cool.. it shows that he thinks of me when i'm not around. but i need to know on a more regular basis. he hasn't told me that he booked my day at the spa yet. in fact, last night he was sort of hands off in convo. tonight i'm not even going to bother. it's his busy night, so it's useless. i'll get in touch with him tomorrow. the thing that sucks is that by not feeling special or important, and only seeing him less than 2 hours per week, makes me really, really insecure. i miss him less lately. i'm beginning to care less. this is me protecting myself. i start to wonder if this is convenience for him. i know the basics of the secrets he keeps. he doesn't have to re-explain. it's someone to keep him company on saturday night. can a relationship go anywhere when you see each other next to never? at valentines day, i could have sworn he was falling in love with me. and then a switch flipped. and now i feel like a time killer. someone to hang out with. he plays video games. he doesn't ever just kiss me out of nowhere. and last weekend, when we had sex for the first time in a month, he hardly even looked at me. i'm probably being insane. but it's important to me to feel important, and i don't. so i guess we'll see what happens...
so that's that. i mean, life sucks. i have the job of my dreams and the man of my dreams, and neither appear to really be working out for me at the moment. they're working on paper, but my head is a mess.
i cured my bought of depression for the day with a nice trip to the shopping mall, where i spent a ton of money i don't have, buying 2 pairs of pants, 3 tank tops (and it's still in the 40s out), a dress shirt (on sale for $40!), 4 pairs of socks, some body shop body scrub and matching lotion, aaaand.. i guess that's it. i wanted to buy incense but the stand is gone. so i don't know how to get any. i think the internet will be the best bet.
ok. concentrate on nets game, watch jeopardy at half time. dinner is beeping away in the microwave. i can't wait to go to bed. stupid life.
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