is it too late to heal?

so.. i never fell back asleep. i wanted to, but i also wanted to continue to chat.. so i did. and then it was like 9, and he asked me where i was. i said brooklyn. he said he had to leave by 1, but he would come out. i said i had work at 1230, but that if he got here by 1145, we could have half an hour, on one condition.. and that was that if we met up for so short today, he would try his best to get out here during the week so we could watch a movie and cuddle. i showered and i was like so excited that he was coming. then it was 1145, and he wasnt here, so i sent him a message asking if he was close. exit 28. he said should we just meet up during the week, and i said i felt so bad, he came so far.. and then he was like exit 20. and i said he could drive me to work. so he got here and i met him outside and i hugged him all the way to the car. i was like "im just gonna hug you all the way down the street, ok?" hehe. then i hugged him in the car, and i cuddled with him at very red light. we got lost and it was funny. i was half an hour late to work. we were at a red light, and i kissed him (i made a move! i made a move!) and it was funny bc there was a truck behind us, and he honked and pointed. the light hadnt even changed yet. weirdo. anyway so i go tto work and i hugged him again, then i kissed him on the cheek and he looked at me funny and i went back and i really kissed him.. he was like "i was waiting for that, i was like.. guess im only getting a kiss on the cheek today" and i laughed and kissed him like ten more times. i realllly hope he comes through on monday or tuesday..

so. i got to work and kim was like "WHERE WERE YOU???" looking at me like all i-know-you-did-something.. it was hilarious, actually. i walked in and went to the elevator, and she was at a table, and she actually walked away from it to get in the elevator and yell at me. but i played secretive. she followed me around for like 10 minutes till i finally caved in and told her everything. she was totally upset with me, but happy for me at the same time. she has major issues with me and the enigma. she likes him, but she doesnt like him for me. she was telling randy that she thinks hes a nice guy and stuff, but that he doesnt know what he wants. i was like.. well, he does, and what he wants is to play in a band and tour and not be tied down to a girl. which got me thinking..

when i saw him, he told me that they plan on being away for the whole summer, july and august and part of september.. and then they are going to europe for six weeks in october. europe! and also, when he got home, he sent me a message saying that he just got a call about fat records, and that against me! and none more black were talking about them.. im so torn, bc i really wanna be excited for him, but at the same time, it makes me sad to know i wont see him all summer or for six weeks in the fall. but the point is that i dont care. i *am* happy for him, and i hope that they do really well on tour, and they make money and are happy, and you know what? i'll be here when he comes home. i will be right here, my feelings *clearly* arent going anywhere, and im gonna be here. and i *want* to be there. i want to be the one he comes home to after three months of touring, i want to be supportive, i want him to go away and be happy on the road. and i will be. on that point i am firm. in fact, it doesnt even have to be any different than it is now. when we have time, our worlds can collide and be one. when we dont, we can do our seperate things. i feel like thats what ive been looking for since nick and i broke up. i want to have two lives that meet.. like a ven diagram. you know, the two seperate circles that overlap in the center. i wish i could say this to him. i wish i could sit down and say "i want to be the girl you come home to. i dont want to be yr everything, or even yr most-of-thing.. i want to be yr support and i want to love you and i want you to love me. and thats all i want."

so thats that. i feel all kinds of emotions right now, im happy and sad and confused. im happy that i saw him, and that he smiled so much and that we got to spend that hour together in the car. im sad that he's not gonna be around when i come back to li, but he will be back.. and im sad bc i never have the guts to really tell him how i feel. i think that part of this mess is my fault too. have i said this before on here? well. who cares. no one reads it anyway, so im only being repetitive to myself. but i dont know, in the beginning i bared all, i told him how i felt and how i wanted to be with him. but he didnt want a girlfriend, he didnt wanna be tied down.. and i think i stopped pursuing him. when i saw him in august, on the day he left to go on tour, i TOLD him to hook up with girls while he was away. he came back and he hinted at had i hooked up with other people in his absence, and i said no i hadnt.. and he said that he was kind of trying to avoid asking me bc he didnt wanna hear that i'd been with other guys. but then the trying-to-fix-things-with-the-ex thing happened, and i told him again.. i told him that he didnt wanna be tied down to me, i told him that i really thought he cared, but i guessed i was wrong, since he must have been using me. but he said that wasnt true, that he doesnt hook up with just anyone, and that everything that happened, happened bc he liked me. but those days went by when we werent talking, and i think i grew numb again. ever since, i havent really pushed hard to get together, i let him know when i was gonna be on the island, but i hadnt invited him out to brooklyn, or anything like that. and its like, since i invited him out here in january, he's been way more.. i dont know, forward. like anxious to see me, like sending me txts at 7:30 am to tell me "i fucking want you so bad." and also since im talking to him again after the cbgb incident. and since he was so happy to see me at the show... i dont know. i think im sending mixed signals, i think im being hot then cold. today i was definitely hot, but.. it wasnt like "i wanna be with you, i really care about you, we're so perfect for each other," it was like "i fucking love yr belly." kinda more sexual than loving. who knows. maybe someday i'll grow some balls and fess up that i think we should be together, bc we are perfect complements.. and bc of the duration of our feelings, and i dont know.

who knows though. maybe things didnt work out with the girl, and now he's coming to me to take care of his physical needs. the opposite side to that, though, is that he is way more into pleasing me than me pleasing him. i mean, hes all for it, but he always talks about pleasuring me. you know. im not gonna get into it. thats for the paper journal. anyone happening across this crap doesnt need the details of my intimate life, thaaaanks.

oops gotta go.. i am gonna miss my train again this time if im not careful. and who wants to wait at jamaica for an hour? NOT ME.

xoxoxo

*my hopes are so high that yr kiss might kill me, so wont you kill me, so i die happy*

its like 8am. i woke up to my phone vibrating, and a message that read "i fucking want you so bad." how am i supposed to go back to sleep now? you had a dream that we were at a play, and i told you to meet me outside, and there were no cars, just one pink limo and we made out. and you told me that it was so good that tried to go back to sleep, but that you had to go to work and that you couldnt stop thinking about it. soooo hot. if anyone else sent me a text message at 7:30 am, i would be pissed. but since it was you, and yr hot, and i adore you, i dont mind. im fucking exhausted. i only fell asleep at like 3:30. i have to work all day. if i go back to sleep, i can sleep two more hours. how will i sleep, knowing that you want me, and i want you, and you said im hot. well, i am, but its way hotter to hear it from you. you said you think you'll be able to see me this week. im like please please please please. we can just lay together with our bellies touching. thats the most endearing thing.. when we are cuddling, and im rubbing yr belly, and you pull up our shirts, ever so slightly, and our skin touches.. warm and soft and.. its our thing. no one has ever derived so much pleasure from the feel of my skin before, and ive never tingled from the feel of someones belly against mine. we could stop there, we could not even go further than making out, and i would be way happy to just have yr belly against mine. i remember in march, when our physical relationship started, and i was telling kim about it.. and i remember telling her "he has this thing for putting his belly against mine. its so unusual, but its soo hot." she laughed at me. its the one of the things that never changes, no matter where we are or what we're doing, you never fail to do it. so adorable. i cant wait to see you, to put my arms around you and feel the warmth of yr skin.. *sigh*

lets try to go back to sleep, shall we? perhaps you'll visit me in my dreams, since im always visiting you. and perhaps itll be a reallllllly hot dream, instead of being bitten by yr venomous squirrel...

*chasin the ghost of a good thing, haunting yrself, as the real thing is getting away, away, awayyyyy from you again, while yr chasin ghosts*
<3 dashboard confessional

i dont know why i was compelled to post bonnie raitt lyrics a few minutes ago. sometimes i really feel them. like. i dont know. not presently. right now i feel like i dont know.. amazingly hopeful. did i mention that i was gonna stop smokin drugs? well. i only smoked ONCE today, and not much. so. woooo! and i was home all day. i went to the laundromat. but i didnt feel like i needed to smoke. perhaps this will be the beginning of my new sober life, since i gave up drinking. ive only drank twice since i gave up drinking, and both times i had verrry little. on new years i had one shot of tequila, and the other day i poured about a shot of malibu into a 20 oz bottle of cherry coke. i will probably drink on my bday celebration, since it will be my last nyc birthday. so sad. not really. besides, thats like 2 months away still, anyway. i can relish in being 23 (such a good number) for two whole months. and five days.

i think i smell. i havent showered. i was gonna, but candace came home with some mcdonalds (mm cheeseburgers no meat) and she wanted to watch queer as folk, so i couldnt say no! i loooove those boys. mm hot brian. mm funny emmett. i'll just get up early and shower before work. it'll do me good, i'll be all bright eyed for my first sober shift in like a year. maybe i'll cheat in the morning.. cos, technically, i was gonna wait till what i had was gone. and if i only smoke in the morning, then that should be ok.

so i dunno. i cleaned the house. i went through the HUGE pile of crap i had over on the shelf.. threw out a lot of papers i did not need, put school related papers away.. it was kind of a big deal. i cleaned my room, which was.. fun. i hung up all my clothes for the first time in like two months. i hadnt cleaned my room since like.. i dunno, late november or early december. it doesnt get *dirty* but like, it gets messy. cos i do laundry and i just leave the folded piles on the boxes at the foot of my bed, instead of hanging them.. i didnt *clean* but i straightened. i might still clean though. its like 2am, but im not quite tired. i have to leave at 1130, so i should get up at 1045. no big deal. i can go to bed at 4 and be ok. i need to get back into a good sleep pattern.

so anyway. back to what i was saying about feeling amazingly hopeful. its kind of strange. i havent felt this way in a long time. im breezy and happy and i laughed more than i have in a long time tonight. i feel all mushy. i wanna see the enigma and smile and cuddle and feel like everything is wonderful and great. i feel a huge connection to him right now. like i might have let go a little, and now i am just happy. i have by no means let go of him, or the idea that he'll come around, but ive let go of the angst. and now i feel silly. not ashamed silly, but playful silly. i looked at the webpage of his band earlier, and i clicked on a link to an interview.. and there were some pictures and i laughed. he looked silly, all mod-like. i showed candace, and she goes "did he gain weight??" not the last time i saw him.. well kinda. i dont know. his face is filling out a little. but then, who cares? his belly is my favorite part, anyway. perhaps it would cease to be my favorite if he got fat fat though. right now its like a beer belly, which is adorable and stuff. when he came back from tour in september he had lost weight, and i was like "where did yr belly go?" so maybe he's working on regaining what was lost. hehe. i wanna seeeeee you. i wanna hug you and hug and hug and hug! pleeeeease? its all good though. in time the hugs will return, and i will be the smiliest girl ever. you'll tell me yr coming, and ill sit here and shake and my belly will flip flop, and ill smoke cigarettes like a fiend, bc ill be so nervous. then youll get here, and ill continue to be nervous, but ill hug you till there is no hugging left. then we'll play the game, the who will kiss first game.. and of course you will, bc i am a pussy and i dont make the first move. especially on a boy who could possibly have a girlfriend. that way, if something happens, and yr still with her, i wont feel like it was my fault. cos you know, i dont *know* if yr with her. you havent mentioned her since november. NOVEMBER! thats like.. three months. *sigh* i love deluding myself into thinking what we do when we are together is right. besides, if stuff is happening, then you cannot be in love with her. it was like early november the last time you eluded to her.. you said you wanted to see me, but were worried you wouldnt be able to behave. and you failed, so maybe you took that as a hint that she is the past.. blah blah blah blah blah. evidence that you are no longer together.. 1) you wanted me to go christmas shopping with you. 2) the reason that you were hesitant to kiss me the last time was bc you were sick, not bc you were feeling guilty. 3) the last time we hooked up, you said it'd been a while, since you didnt have time for girls, what with playing and working. 4) you told me you needed some huggin in december. 5) lately you are constantly trying to see what my schedule is like, so we can get together. 6) you agreed to a slumber party the last time i saw you. 7) you said you hadnt really eaten in two days bc you dont eat when yr alone.. and why would you spend new years alone, if you had a girl? and why wouldnt you have spent yr two days off with her, if there was a her? 8) you've been playing out of state every weekend for the past few weeks, and she hated that. and everytime you had something to do, it was not girl related, it was practice, or yr moms bday, or going to iron maiden, or you were playing, or yr sister had a baby.. ok so that is eight SOLID reasons. so im going to go ahead and continue to pretend that she has gone, and all it is, is a matter of time before i move home and our worlds collide and become one.

hey, a girl can dream....

turn down the lights, turn down the bed
turn down these voices inside my head
lay down with me, tell me no lies
just hold me close, dont patronize - dont patronize me

cos i cant make you love me if you dont
you can't make yr heart feel something it wont
here in the dark, in these final hours
i will lay down my heart and i'll feel the power
but you won't, no you won't
cos i cant make you love me, if you dont

i'll close my eyes, then i wont see
the love you dont feel when yr holding me
morning will come and i'll do whats right
just give me till then to give up this fight
and i will give up this fight

cos i cant make you love me if you dont
you cant make your heart feel something it wont
here in the dark, in these lonely hours
i will lay down my heart and i'll feel the power
but you wont, no you wont
cos i cant make you love me, if you dont

.."i cant make you love me" bonnie raitt.

emmett says that "yr prince will come for you." um.. can he come NOW please? also, my horoscope says.. "You are apt to feel a bit more adventuresome when it comes to issues regarding love and romance today, gille. Don't be afraid to shoot for the stars at this time. The more you engage your heart with others, the better off you will be. The time has come for you to make a bold move towards someone you love. Take a philosophical approach to the situation and you will find that you can't go wrong." riiiiiiight. make a bold move towards someone i love.. i do that all the time. only he is not receptive. ugh. anyway. i never heard back from him today, anyway.. i hate when he does that. i just wanna know if he is busy monday or tuesday. blaaah. you know. of course i wont make plans, and of course i wont hear from him. oh, thats right.. i was giving up for now. must keep that in mind...

ok so it took me even LONGER to fall asleep last night. lets see, i probably didnt fall asleep till 6. i was so angry. not ANGRY, but you know. so i finally fell asleep, and then i woke up at 10:45 bc the door bell was ringing. ok, so it was this guy from the gas company. and it was weird. i mean, here i am, and here is this dude, and im supposed to let you in bc you say "gas company"? but i let him in, and he read the meter, and i went back to bed. then like 20 mins later i got a txt from the enigma, saying that his sister made him an uncle this week, and he was going to be doing baby things this weekend, so he wouldnt be able to see me, but how does my week look.. so i said i was free monday and tuesday.. im sure he has plans though. tuesday used to be the fool proof day, where he would always be able to hang out, but lately he has hooters plans or whatnot with his friends. i keep thinking that he must be all talk. because seriously, i've given him 7 of the current 9 days to pick from. monday, tuesday, friday, saturday, sunday, monday and tuesday. if he is busy this upcoming monday and tuesday, then i will really begin to suspect that he is all talk.. and that its just like.. if i keep asking, she will think im making the effort.. i havent heard back from him though. he is at work, of course, probably doing work things, and maybe i will hear from him later on. so anyway. i put the pillow over my head and laid there with my eyes wide open. looked at the clock, it was 12. switched from side to side.. maybe i fell back asleep for a little, but im not sure. then it was 130, and bally was calling my phone and i yelled at the guy bc im tired of bally calling me every single fucking day. then i felt bad. dont wake me up, i suck when im cranky. so i sent the enigma another message.. i said "i got a hug yesterday that was almost as good as yr hugs.. too bad he was gay ahaha. but i need yr hugs soon, that would be great." then i decided that i should get up and start my day of watching tv. i might do laundry today. i realllly wanna get all my shit clean, pants and all. i havent really washed pants in a while. and my towels smell like cigs. but i dont know. i might wait till tuesday.. ugh. no i shouldnt wait till tuesday! MY TOWELS SMELL LIKE CIGS! i should fuckin suck it up and go to the laundromat. i should also clean my room and be merry. maybe clean the kitchen and the bathroom, cos it hasnt been done in a long time. im tired of living here. while i couldnt fall asleep last night, i kept thinking that im almost out, and i can really unpack and start living off of shelves instead of out of boxes.. but its still so far away... july. its almost february. five and a half more months...

alright. well ive been sitting here for like 15 minutes wondering what to say next. i havent got anything else to say being that i didnt do anything of note in the past two hours. byebye.

it is approximately 3:30 am. i'm going to bed, and im actually tired. lets see if, for once, i can fall asleep within an hour.. wish me luck xoxo

what up? im eating raison bran. watching the fifth wheel.

work was alright tonight. i talked to bart a lot. i also discovered that randy gives good hugs. i had pegged him as a wimpy hug boy, as he is a self proclaimed "show tunes fag." he hugged me while doing his straight act. i complimented him on his hugs. i was kinda busy for a minute, i had like six tables.. that was good. i made $35, which is waaay better than the $10 i expected.

after work i went to the studio with bart. it was good times, we hung out in john lennon's recording studio for a while, its the best studio in the place. its all wood, and has like a velvet ceiling. they were going to do some mixing, but i guess they decided not to, and to practice in the morning instead. then we went up to the storage/office area to look at some computer parts (michael works at the studio), and i was looking at the spines of the master copies of songs, and there was one true thing. i was like.. aw jamie gates loves one true thing. so i guess they recorded there. speaking of the saints, though, bart told me that they got an offer for a record deal. its an indie (as in independant, not as in the style) label with only two other artists. they are both R&B, but the guy whose label it is wants to go back to rock or something. he supposedly worked with U2 and personally knows the edge. but. i dont know, bart exaggerates all the time. i dont really consider signing onto some dude's label as getting a deal, but ok. i think what they really want is to have someone finance a tour. hence signing to a little label, but like.. i dunno, im not sure this guy is going to fund a tour. i think they need to get their acts together and self-finance, bc this waiting game is getting old. they have been in nyc for like 2 years. they had only wanted to be here for one. they are always talking like its so close, talking about quitting chevy's and blah blah blah. but i dont know anymore. i think that they might have to form some Plan B's..

the heart palpatations are here. as usual. i wish they would stop. it upsets me. really. last night i was kept awake by my irregular heart beat for two and a half hours. TWO AND A HALF HOURS! im like.. ok, maybe its serious. its probably not supposed to flip like this. what if i take deep breaths? or lay on my back? maybe i should quit smoking. or go to the gym. do some cardio. maybe my heart is weak. maybe its failing. should i start saving for some kind of exam? what if something happens before i get health care? ugh. it beats normal, but every so often, it beats once hard. and it like.. i dont know it like terrifies me each time, it just feels weird, like it shouldnt be happening. i cannot explain how terrified i am that something might be wrong with it. and how much worse it is from the fact that i *dont* have health care, and i *cannot* afford to have it checked out. when i went to the nurse at pace, she said i had a slight murmur, but that it was nothing to worry about. she said that like 1 out of 3 women have a murmur. i was like "greaaaat." i also had the EKG done back then, bc i was afriad there was something wrong, and they said it was normal. maybe im freaking out over nothing. but it is hard to deal with when you have no idea why yr heart beats realllly hard sometimes. plus its only been doing this for like three months. it was not doing this back then. and my lungs hurt sometimes, too. maybe my whole body is giving out. i ABUSE it, thats why. because i have to smoke all day long and drink caffiene and not eat healthy. im thinking about changing my lifestyle. im way not ready to do that, but i dont know. i think im getting a reality check with these strange chest pains, and im realizing that i cant keep doing this to myself. i think that after i finish the weed i have (which is not much, mind you), i will not buy any more for a while. im kind of resolved in this. im also thinking about weaning myself off of cigarettes. maybe i'll start drinking more water. and maybe, just maybe, if i give up this crazy fucked up all the time lifestyle, i'll probably go to bed earlier, and then i'll get up earlier, and then i'll actually be a productive member of society, instead of a lazy bum who smokes and plays guitar all day. by no means am i giving up the guitar, no way no way. but i'll play during the day sober. maybe i'll get a second job during the day. no. i have to write my thesis. its so weird. i think this all the time, and i never do anything about it. but i dont know, at least with the weed, i think im ready. at first it served to make me not feel, but now it makes no difference. i've exploited all its good use, and now its just something i do to do, and thats not what i want. so i think its time to grow out of it. or at least only smoke socially, and very infrequently. this is my resolution. cross yr fingers for me.

so thats that. im gonna.. i dont know. i cant go to bed yet, cos i smoked like half hour ago, and i cant fall asleep stoned. my heart will freak me out. not that it only happens when i smoke, bc it also happens in the middle of the day, while im still sober....

*was there trauma, or a struggle, am i missing, or was the body found?* dashboard.

kimberly asked me to be her valentine last night. we were getting ready to leave. i said of course we could be valentines.. but she has a real valentine. she told me that if he gets a job and takes her out, then he can be a co-valentine, but we will be valentines, and get special valentine grilled cheeses at the diner after work. maybe she'll get me roses again this year, and we can be scandalous. last year, she got me a half dozen roses. i put them in the glass in the side station, and israel stole one and gave it to jolynn. i was so mad. i still have the remaining five, though. i got her a little stuffed frog.

i'd kind of forgotten that valentines day was on the horizon. as a general rule, i hate valentines day. but i secretly love it, and want to go out and be adored. ive only had one really good valentines day. lets see. ive been participating in the holiday since i was 15. (although im always my dads valentine, bc im his little girl). so.. ok, 1995 was mark. he didnt get me anything, and we didnt do anything. 1996 i was single. 1997 i was in 11th grade.. i dont think i had a boy, i think that was when kurt and i were officially over (as of late january), and i was probably moping. 1998 i went to see inside and error type:11 play acoustic at this center in port washington. i went with jenn and ryan and alex and davin. afterward we went to this diner, and some musclehead ass guy waited on us, and we stiffed him. 1999, i was going out with steve. he had bronchitis, and he had gone home from college bc of it. he didn't even call. we broke up when he got back, bc i was just a rebound. 2000. the only realllly good valentines day. chaz took me to this resturant called pelligrino's in little italy. we got dressed up and i had lemongrass ravioli. i think we might have gone to the movies afterward. he got me a beautiful bracelet and a basket of perfume related items. *sigh* 2001 was my first valentines day with nick, which was also pretty good. i was in the vagina monologues, and then he recreated our first date. we went to the pizza place on st. marks, then we went to yaffa cafe for banana cheesecake, and then to the movie theatre we went to on our first date. and he made me a heart shaped chocolate chip cookie. i dont remember what we did in 2002. oh. i was in the vagina monologues again. my dad came all the way from LI to see me, and he brought me roses, and i was so happy. then i think nick and i went out to dinner, though i cant remember where or what we did. then finally we have 2003. i was kims valentine. everyone talked about that. we were secret lesbians. i worked a double, and i made like $60, which was something like 8% of my sales.. cos really, think about it. what kind of guy takes his girl to CHEVY'S for valentines day? riiiight. this year will probably be the same. i'll work, and i'll be valentines with kim. and no one will get dressed up with me, or take me out, or tell me they love me. though i might get flowers from my girlfriend lol.

so anyway, now im kinda bummed. because its not like i *need* someone for valentines day, or i'll be upset bc i dont have someone. but i hate to see all those people in love, like flaunting it in front of me.. and me being like, well yah. i was in love once, and i destroyed it. or, yah i think i love you, but what the hell is this situation, what do you want from me, why don't you make time, i dont think you love me anymore. are you a distraction? is yr purpose to keep me from falling for someone here? because im leaving, and i know i dont want to get involved with anyone here to prevent dealing with breaking it off, or making something work long distance. but i dont know. i know when yr here, i feel warm and happy, and the warm fuzzies erupt in my belly.. and there are sparks when you hug me, and i cannot describe the insurmountable tension between us.. and im in love with the image of our first kiss.. laying on the couch.. it plays in slow motion in my head. i remember taking swigs of tequila from the bottle, watching 8 mile. i remember sitting right beside you, as our hands touched and i felt sparks. you rubbed my hand, you tangled yr fingers in mine. i cuddled up next to you. i went to the bathroom, and when i came back, you were laying on the couch. so i just layed on top of you. i slid off, and buried my head in yr chest. "my hopes are so high that yr kiss might kill me." so many things were running through my head.. do i want this, do i want you, do you want me, you have a girlfriend.. the movie ended, and we laid there together. you kept burying yr face in me, breathing the words "yr so tempting.." it was my face and yr face, you telling me how soft i am, yr face and my face.. and then it stops playing in slow motion and its happening. so playful and breezy and all i ever expected it to be. i kept thinking about 1997, and what i wrote back then.. how i'd hoped to go to RI with you, so i could curl up next to you and fall asleep. and all the times i'd written "i want to kiss you, just to know what it feels like." and i was finally knowing.. as you said "why didnt we do this five years ago?" or "you feel so good" or just sighing and smiling. we fell asleep together. and i have not stopped thinking of you since.

how did this post go this way? all i meant to say was that kimberly and i would be valentines again.. see. you fucking consume me.

im eating reeses pieces. whenever i eat them, i can't stop thinking about the mr. conehead sundae on the kids menu at friendlys. when my parents first got divorced, my dad used to come and pick up my brother and i for dinner one night a week. actually, this practice continued till we were in high school. but anyway, when i was like 7-12, we would always go to the friendlys on middle country road. my brother and i would blow bubbles in our chocolate milk (because dad thought it was funny, but mom would be mad). i got either grilled cheese or a ham and cheese melt.. now that i think about it, we probably stopped going there when i stopped eating meat, since i no longer wanted to have the swiss ham melt thingy. thats when we started going to taco bell so i could get tacos with no meat. but i digress.. i always always got a mr. conehead sundae after dinner. i got chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream.. and i'd dig through it to find the frozen reeses pieces pile at the bottom, like a hidden treasure.. and the fudge that the cone was dipped in.. i can taste it when im eating reeses pieces.

so here i am again. im just watching blind date, the worst dating show ever. i made some cup o' noodles. im pretty bored. i did two crossword puzzles... i didnt do yesterdays, so i had two today. woohoo, but now they are gone. so sad. i suppose the enigma didnt make it out to see against me! tonight, either, bc he didnt stop by and give me a hug. i think that i will stop hoping to see him. whatever, he can let me know when he's free. for the time being, i will consign myself to being used to no hugs. i got a bunch of good bart hugs at work tonight, though, which was key.

blah blah blah blah blah. i have so much to say, but i dont have the words to express anything. its just... i dont know. see. right now is a time where i really need to speak in sounds. kim would get it. i just feel like obbledeblabertobeek. you know? i definitely feel like there is nothing significant to say. i wish there was. i wanna babble about the boy, but i havent anything to report. it seemed like he was anxious to see me when we spoke last week, but like.. hes soo busy and im like.. blah blah blah blah blah. im just gonna stop mid sentance and blah bc thats what i feel like doing.

i feel so repetitive. im obsessed with enigma hugs. probably because they are THE BEST HUGS EVER.

i also read the entirety of my blog the other day. and i laughed at myself. all the times i "walked away" from you.. all the times i "finally realized" hahah. as if i would ever walk away or fully realize anything. i make up my mind and then i melt. i dont know what it is about this boy. i have never been so hooked on anyone. i was thinking that i'll probably only see him like three more times before i move back to long island. i wonder if things will change when i get there, though. like if he'll pop in to watch a movie more often.. we'll have to get up at the same time in the morning. actually, i'll probably have to get up first, cos im gonna be a teacher. why do i even do this? build up these hopes about what will happen when i move. you know whats gonna happen? i do. nothing. i'll still see him almost never, though *maybe* a little bit more frequently, especially if i live in the same area as he does or my parents do. but it wont make anything different. maybe i'll meet someone else. imagine?

anyway. ex-treme dating is on. imma go smoke..

i just wanted to say that i picked the right scent tonight.. every time someone came into the side station, they were like "who smells so good?" and it was always me. kim was like biting my arm, saying she wanted to nibble on me. so the uplifting choice of black tea was a great choice, and i made some servers happy tonight.

*are we just workin till the day we decide we've had enough?*
against me!

i wanted to see against me! tonight, but instead i will be waiting on crappy people. i thought perhaps some cute anarchopunk boys might stop into the restaurant and provide kim and i with eye candy, but then i realized what kind of anarchist eats at a corporate restaurant? so probably not.

i have to leave for the chet in like 10 minutes. i have thus far resisted turning on the tv, so as i can leave on time. i was starving before, i couldnt call asleep because i was so hungry.. but it has passed. mike's car was towed, and its in the impound, but its too snowy to drive it (he has his aunt's miata haha), so he woke me up to ask me how to get to the train station from here. after he left, i couldnt fall asleep bc of the immense hunger. i must have eventually willed it away. i should have just stayed up for the day, it was like noon. i could have watched some daytime tv and relaxed. but no, stayed in bed till 3 o'clock (today i think i wanna be alone - weston).

what do i want to smell like today? i have a plethora of options. mango tangerine, or coconut, or vanilla sugar, or black tea, or cotton.. im going with the black tea. its really red currant and thyme tea. but the main ingredient is black tea infused with the former two. so there. its a fresh, uplifting scent. i was going to go with the vanilla sugar, but i sprayed it, and it was warm and inviting and sleepy. so i chose the uplifting one. since today is the first time in leaving my house in two days. i havent been outside since monday afternoon. it looks cold and snowy. the aol weather thing says its 29 degrees, which isnt so bad, i guess. could be 3. i hope its been shoveled out there. at least a little.

ok, its off to work i go. i have a new work away message. its drew carey. very bizarre for me, since i usually have lyrics. actually, usually the lyrics i started this post with. but today it reads.. "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."

hasta luego.

so. i woke up at 4 pm. i was way groggy. i did not sleep well. but i came out to the couch, and mike got up and he went to leave, but his car got towed. so. he is still here. i woke up, smoked, and started drinking cherry coke spiked with malibu (so good). thats all i did all day. smoke, drink, eat. watch tv. i also played some guitar. mike is still here, he is presently laying in my bed, bc its a warm, warm place. im watching leno.

i thought about you a whole lot. im like obsessed with getting a hug. its been the only thing on my mind tonight.. hugs. and how most hugs aren't that good. because it has to mean something to me. i dont like for a hug to feel forced. lately i feel like all my hugs are forced, im looking for the magical replacement of enigma hugs. bart gives good strong hugs. but its not the same, no sparks..

lungs feel like ash trays. ugh. ive been a waste of life for two whole days now. im blaming it on the cold. im not motivated to go out into the freezing cold. nope nope nope.

want a hug, want a hug, want a hug.

i think i'll give up on seeing you for now. i gave you like 12 options. ok, five. and all five were no good. friday you said you'd play with yr friends band (but yr not sure, so maybe?). you havent said anything about sunday. blahhh. and yr probably not going to against me! now, so i can't even count on the quick hug before you go. ugh. getting hugs from others is ok, but its not the same. i dont feel as warm or safe. its never even nearly the same. i need a hug from YOU. please?

wish you were here...

remember when i came to visit you in connecticut? you hadn't planned on being there for more than one night, and you forgot yr deodorant, and you didnt have shampoo. so i went to genovese on my way to the ferry, and i got you a little deodorant, and a little shampoo. i loved picking out little things for you.. i dont know why. it felt so cute for me, like i was shopping for you. it warmed my heart.

*i need a catalyst to rekindle the flame that once burned within these fists, where defeat remains. ..cursive*

good evening. night. whatever. morning, even. i worked tonight. surprisingly, i made $110. very good for a sunday night, especially since i had like no tables at all for a loong time. it got kinda busy with the back closed and evens cut, and i got a couple of realllly good tips. after work i went to the diner with jesse and lee harvey oswald. i had a salad, two eggs over medium with american cheese, toast, and mashed potatoes. and i had chocolate pudding for dessert. yum yum.

my schedule sucks this week. im working wednesday and thursday, off friday, and im working saturday and sunday. thats it. i cant go see against me! because im working (oh well, i didnt really have the money anyway). but im hoping that the enigma can make an appearance friday night.. he seemed like he wanted to hang out, and im hoping friday would be a good day. we could even have a slumber party. and i would looove that. im gonna send him a message tomorrow, saying that he should totally stop in at chevy's wednesday and hook me up with a hug, since against me! are playing next door, and he's going. i deserve a hug.

i have nothing to say. i feel like im forcing myself. i dont know why. i think im depressed. arent i always? no, i mean.. i dont know, i just feel numb. i havent even been miserable lately. sometimes i think i'd rather be miserable, bc at least then i feel. there are a ton of things i could say about the boy, but i feel like so many words are wasted on him day in and day out. im always thinking about it, or writing things in here. or in my paper journal. but it gets me nowhere, im not like happier or with him bc i write about it. besides, do i even wanna be with him? i dont have time, he doesnt have time.. and he cheated on his girlfriend a few times. he might still be cheating on her, only im too much of a pussy to ask. it annoys me that i know this should upset me and make me wary of wanting to be with him. i dont know. it doesnt, what else can i say? maybe im addicted to him. blaaaah. all i know is that i want cuddles and all night hugs, and i want them NOW. or at least friday. that would be ok, too.

took a shower, ate some oatmeal. my lungs hurt. sometimes my mind starts fashioning what might be wrong with them. maybe its bronchitis, or some other pulmonary infliction. its probably just the cold. i have to give up smoking out doors for the time being.

im cold. waiting for candace to get back. she went to meet michelle to go to mcdonalds. then we're gonna watch queer as folk. i dont think i can do a marathon session tonight. sooooo sleepy. i had tentative plans to hang out with mike, but i think i'm not feeling socializing tonight. in fact, i dont even feel like writing this. so byebye.

i am so tired. i was on the phone with mike till like 6:20. i actually fell asleep quite easily.. only i fell into a night mare.. it was bizarre, really. it was one of those nightmares where you know yr asleep, and yr like half conscious, and all you want to do is wake up. but you cant. when i woke up at 7:34, i was sure i would remember what i'd dreamt, and that i didn't need to write it down. only i've forgotten. and now i'm sorry.

work was slow and uneventful. i need to do some work today, but im not feeling it. what i really want to do, is go back to bed. maybe its best that i stay up, though. that way, i'll fall asleep tonight. its saturday, so that means snl. i have to make some phone calls, and i have to play guitar. the guitar is my top priority.

i'll check back later. you know how i do.

*well i never meant to become like you, full of hopelessness.. we always fall, but not always together and this is what scares me the most* penfold.

its 3:30. im tired. i know as soon as i go lay down, i wont fall asleep. i'll turn on the swiss army romance, bc it lulls me.. but it'll end. and i'll start it over. and feel like i will never fall asleep.. i'll toss and turn. face left. face right. try fetal position. flip onto my back. back to facing left. stare at the big red numbers on the clock.. jesse suggested some pills. sleeping pills make me feel like crap.

its been harder and harder to get out of bed on saturday and sunday mornings. i think im so jaded with going to work. alienated from myself. you know. fuckin capitalism...

*in the backroom at chevys*
marjorie: man, i wish i could not work. why cant i just stay home?
gille: yah. too bad we live in a capitalist world, where we have to sell our labor to earn money to exchange for goods and services.
marjorie: i dont need the finer things, just give me an acre and a mule.
gille: ah, but you'd have to work to earn the money to purchase said acre and mule. then property taxes.. yah, its not set up for you to just exist peacefully on yr acre. sorry.
marjorie: i just want to grow mangoes. i'd throw parties. they would be BYOBB. bring yr own brown bag.
all: laughter...
*exit our characters*

the bouncing souls are on conan. its a repeat from friday night. a week ago. i know this bc when i went to the show last week, the enigma was making phone calls to see if someone could tape it for his band mates.

*yr eyes have all the answers and im wrong*

i miss you. have i told you this lately? well. i do. i know i saw you last friday. i know that was only a week ago. but it wasnt just us. it was crowded. i had to play the secret role. i think i rolled my eyes when you hugged me. "we'll hang out soon." you say that all the time. we haven't hung out in a month. january first. the first day of the new year. i wanna cuddle. i need some good hugs. lets watch a movie. valentines day is approaching. i hate that day. sometimes i entertain the idea that you'll want to see me, that you'll want me to be yr valentine. lofty dreams, gille.. id bet money that you spend the day with her. but you seem so.. i dont know. you seem like you really wanna see me. you seem like you genuinely want to hang out soon.. maybe things didnt work out. maybe you havent gotten any since the last time we were together. i'd be yr valentine. i'd be yr anything. i'd be the girl you wake up to every morning for the rest of yr life. the words slip off the tips of my fingers before i can stop myself. and i dont believe in deleting what i wrote. cos i said it for a reason. and to erase it would be denying i felt that way. and continue to feel that way.

*standing outside the workplace, smoking a cigarette*
...back then, i always knew that things would fall apart. the last time i saw you in 1997 i felt it, i remember it clear as day. it was the night that we sat on my bedroom floor, reading YM to each other and doing headstands. i remember you told me that you loved when i played with yr hair. we talked about how many people we'd kissed. it got late. you had to go. i walked you to the door. we stood at the top of the steps, and i hugged you so tight. then something dropped inside of me.. and suddenly it flashed into my head.. "i'll never see him again. this is it." you pulled away from the hug, and you kissed my neck. it made me shiver. i wanted to beg you not to go, i wanted to put my arms around you and make you stay. but i didnt. i let you leave. and i watched the door shut behind you...
i was right back then. i thought i would never see you again, and i didnt. it was not too long after that you called me in tears.. and you said you needed time.. and i wasnt up to playing that game with you anymore.. sure, i saw you at shows, but it didnt mean anything. i wasnt even nice to you. but as far as i knew, for four years i thought i would never see you again. at least not how i wanted to.
but its different now. when i have flashes of whats to come, i see you holding a child, smiling. i hear yr voice. if i was right back then, am i right now?
*time to go, throw cigarette, face job*

im not miserable. i realized this tonight. it kind of crept up on me.. a little voice, interjecting.. "gille.. you havent been miserable in a long time." and it was right. i havent been. i've had ruts, ive felt sad. but i havent been unbearably miserable. i think im learning to be myself. i dont need someone else to make me strong. im strong on my own, i can stand on my own, i can deal with the ups and downs of life without a crutch. for eight years i was always "gille and ..." (though now im "gille and kim," but that doesnt count). but for the past year and a half, i've been just gille. and i like it. i can do whatever i want, whenever i want. i spent a lot of time thinking. i figured out what *i* want in my life, how i want to live, what i want to be and what will be best for me. without having to consult another, or take him into consideration. for eight years i made each decision with someone else in mind. i didnt go to grad school far away because of nick. i didnt transfer out of pace bc of chaz. i mean, i guess those decisions got me where i am today, but this is a critical time in my life. and i've made my decisions. im moving back to long island, not for anyone else but for myself. im going to teach high school. i dont have to meet anyones expectations or think about what would be in OUR best interest. you cant feel complete without knowing loneliness. for the first year of my single journey, i thought i would never make it. i thought i *had* to meet someone, or else i would never be myself again, i would never be able to be whole or happy. and i obsessed over the fact that there was no one to call up when i'd had a particularly bad day, or even an especially good one. i thought my bed was too big and lonely, and i longed to curl up with someone else. but thats all changed. i love my big bed, i love taking up the whole thing and squirming all i want. i kind of like watching whatever i want, not having to compete with some boy over what we'll watch or do or see. just work and school and play for me.

one day i'll be ready to share my life with someone else again. and i'd be lying if i said i didnt hope that that person would be you, my beautiful enigma boy.

*late one night, in a year or so*
its around 11 pm. im getting ready for bed.
my phone vibrates..
"i need a hug. are you home? im outside."
i go to the door, and there you are. you wrap yr arms around me. and then you say: "eight years in the making.. im finally ready to be with you and only you. i love you. i always have."
and then i cry, and i look into yr eyes, and i say: "i always knew it would be you and i."
*stage lights dim, characters exit*

because i know that seven years doesnt mean nothing, and i know that the fact that we have constantly gravitated back to each other is not for naught. maybe its learning patience. i've been waiting patiently since may 20, 1997. because i always knew you meant it when you used to tell me you loved me every night. and i see the way yr eyes light up now, and i hear the way yr voice flutters out of yr mouth when you talk to me.

*subway, on the way to work*
its next year. yr going on tour. i kiss yr forehead, and i tell you to have fun. cos i know yr coming home to me.

these are the only flashes of the future i get now. when you leave, i dont ache for you, i dont KNOW that this is the last time i'll see you. because i will always see you again. we're like magnets. no matter what happens, we find our way back. its in the stars...

maybe i'll go to bed. lay there for a while.

*its cold where yr going, i hope that yr hearts always warm*

soo cold. also sooo not tired. this will become a problem shortly. i would like to go to bed, since i have to get up at 11, but i think i slept too late. i didnt get up till 2. its been too cold to get up, and besides, im not thrilled at the prospect of looking at books.. im so not cut out to be a scholar. this is not the life for me. i just wanna settle into a life. thats all, i dont want to constantly learn, or anything like that. i thought i did. and maybe i'll miss school when its gone, but right now.. i cant wait for it to end. i thought i would worry when i was getting close to the end.. i thought i would be afraid that without school, i wouldnt know what to do with myself. but now im like.. i could just teach high school history.. teach something i love, and have that be school AND work. and then miraculously have time for myself.. free time! whatever will i do with free time??? i know what i'll do, i'll read books, and see bands, and play with my kitty, and see my friends, and go to the diner, and play video games, and listen to music, and maybe, just maybe, i'll fall in love.

obble. i just finished the crossword puzzle. now im like.. whatever shall i do? i could watch tv. too late to play guitar. babble in journal! YAY! so.. tonight. ok, i worked. blah blah it sucked. i had SIX tables the whole time, my sales were $163. isn't that pathetic? yes. but i made $26, which is a good percentage. kim and i did mad libs with people. we made gregg (manager) do one. he had to give us a noun, and he was like "us" and i was like, "no." then he said "those" and i was like "um, gregg. NOUN. not PROnoun. person, place or thing. thaaaanks." but he got it after a while. i had to explain an adverb to him. i was like.. um, yah.. managers dont have to be smart, do they? no. it was good times. i messaged with the enigma all night, which was fun (more later). then kim and i went to the westway. we shared mozzerella sticks, and then we had grilled cheddars. i was checking my voicemail when the waiter came over, and i looked at kim and she was like "she'll have a coffee and a coke no ice, then we'll have two grilled cheddars." it was funny. we get the same thing every time, we dont even have to consult. but then she said she didnt feel like mashed potatoes, so we decided on the mozz sticks, and i was like "and sour cream, and hot sauce." ahaha. you would have to be us to get it, but seriously we have the same thing all the time, down to the same condiments. after that, we went to the film centre cafe for melanies going away party. i had a milk shake and kim had hot chocolate. everyone else was drinking. we hung out for a while, i talked to melanie's boyfriend a lot. he was quite the gabber. then we came back. now im here.

the enigma.. yah. so he sent me a message this afternoon saying that he was going upstate with the fam this weekend, so he cant hang out. but he said we would hang out soon bc he had to watch some movies. and that he was now working till 9pm, so i asked him if he got to go in later..
him: well i came in today at nine.. so 12 hr days
me: that sucks, you should revolt. are fixing things being all sexy like?
him: well im not fixing stuff but im setting up machines.. my hands are all dirty if that matters. are you all sexy at work wearing a short skirt and stuff?
me: actually, short skirts are only allowed on halloween. however, my shirt is quite tight. dirty hands are good. im kinda dirty. mm food. can you fix stuff for me?
him: sure i can fix stuff for you. what do you need me to work on? anything in particular?
me: yah, im broken, fix me. or i could just break stuff for you to fix. that would be ok.
him: why do you think its so sexy? am i like fixing ron jeremys cock or yr vibrator.. or something else that gets you all hot? hehe.
me: no, just boys working with their hands is way hot. all working hard. soooo hot. soooooo hot.
him: oh ok... so its not just me.. its anyone. that makes sense. im going home now. i cant wait to take a shower. what time are you working?
me: im leaving now too, woohoo. nah i like it when you fix things. cos yr hot.
him: cool. be safe getting home. i need to sleep. i cant wait to get in bed. when are you free next week? maybe ill come out. are you gonna be on li at all?
me: im tired too. im free mon and tues. you should come get hugs and watch a movie. i dont have plans to go to li. it could be arranged. if you wanted me to.
him: mon ill be going to see maiden so thats no good and tue is practice since wed is against me and none more black. damn. we'll hang out soon.
me: yr so funny.. bc yr not even free next week. i'll see what my schedule is thursday on over the weekend, and i'll let you know.

bizarre boy. maybe ill have a free day over the weekend. he's probably playing though.. hes like *always* playing. i dont really mind waiting to see him, bc it makes it sooo much better when i miss him and i finally see him and we just hug and cuddle for hours. it makes it all worth it. though i do wish i was seeing him soon.. i could use some hugging. mmm.. he is the best hugger ever. i was talking to emily (brothers girlfriend) about the whole thing, and she was like "sleep with someone else" and i was like.. "yah, that didnt work.. you know when a boy puts his arms around you, and you just melt? yah. that." and she made fun of me, but she was like "yah, yr right," and cast a look at my brother. then she hit him. she was like "i didnt even like you." it was funny. but she knew i was right, bc its all in the hug. and his hugs are warm and cozy and safe and enveloping. and i know when it happens that i want it forever. *sigh*

my contacts are way blurry right now. my knees hurt from sitting indian style. its really cold in here. i say the same things every night....

its almost 2. i just woke up from a message.. and guess what? it was four messages.. and they were all from him, and they were all from monday night.. saying "i just got out of practice, we can watch bring it on.. again.. hehe" then "its sorta late, so i guess ill see you tomorrow hopefully xoxo" then "goodnight... sweet dreams..." but they were all dated today, when they came through.. but they were like one right after the other, like he said happened last week with messages from me.. and now im all sad, bc i wanted to call him monday night, just to make sure bc of last weeks message drama.. but i didnt bc im a pussy. and now im sorry. im like freaking out bc i dont think im getting his messages at all. maybe there are more that will come through later or tomorrow, maybe its a delay, a three day delay? what the hell. why does our relationship revolve around text messages? and why is my phone so fucking unreliable? i just sent him messages saying i was so mad that they didnt come through, and was he free at all this weekend.. but who knows if ill get any responses? i havent in three days. maybe tomorrow a bunch will come through from tuesday, maybe he tried to see me tuesday also. why didnt he just call? that would have been the way to reach me.. esp since i sent him a message on monday that said "if you dont get any response from me, call me.." UGH UGH UGH. im not gonna be able to stop thinking about this. i just wanna be able to get my text messages when they are sent and be happy. i just wanna see him! thats all, is that so much to ask for? apparently it is. and i still havent gotten any response from what i just sent, so who knows. i am calling him tonight. thats it. im just gonna call and suck it up, and be like "hey, are you free this weekend?" bc this waiting to hear from him in messages is retarded. especially since sprint HATES ME. this is awful. i was so upset tuesday night, bc i really had hoped he would come through, and i let myself down getting my hopes up.. and all the while, he had tried to see me. fuckin... AHHH. i dont know what else to do right now. i dont know why my phone does this. i want to get a different one, but my brother has the contract until 6/05, which is WAY LONG. at least with at&t i got my fucking messages. i might not have been able to talk on the phone, but i got my messages. i have to stop obsessing over this shit right now. i have to shower or something.

*and i cant comprehend how someone with yr eyes could ever dissapear and break yr heart.*
*remember tonight, it just might last you the rest of your life. and all those times i said 'i love you,' those weren't lies. this will hurt you but in time, you will understand that i would never want to be in his shoes, but i would do anything to take his place.*
"m" penfold (change the "his" to "her" though)

long time no talk. i was on long island.

monday i went home.. went to my dads. got some info on LI schools. mike came over at like midnight, he picked me up and we went to the diner, where we played mad libs and drank coffee. fucking no smoking laws.. anyway. went back to my house and watched tv till 8am. he crashed at my place. i slept in my moms bed. couldnt sleep though. the cats were chasing each other around and running over me. the sun was bright bc the windows face east. the phone kept ringing. i got up at 2. mike took me to the dentist, i got my cavity filled. we went to fridays and had some food, but half my mouth was completely numb. eating soup was quite the task. so was navigating the straw to my mudslide. went back to my house, watched tv. i fell apart bc i got my hopes up. i constructed this idea in my head that the enigma would somehow make it to my house. i knew he wouldnt. he had practice on monday and his moms bday on tuesday. but i convinced myself that he'd stop by to cuddle sometime after. but no. and he didnt even send a message to tell me he was sorry he wouldnt make it.. just kinda left me hanging the whole time, with a big "i dont think i'll be able to hang out, but i'll try." which translates to "sit home and wait around for me, ok?" in my head. so whatever. mike left at like midnight. i watched a lot of tv, golden girls, mad about you, some discovery channel show on informants. fell asleep around 2:45. i got up at 1130 this morning. the cats slept at the same time as i did (and yoda was still asleep when i wanted to get up), and i fell asleep before the sun. i got up and wrote cover letters. sent out some resumes. watched some more tv (american idol.. so bad), then i got on the LIRR to come back to brooklyn. wrote some on the train. listened to penfold. called antonia, she played little bits of nkotb songs over the phone and we giggled. got off at jamaica, took the E.. and i was looking out for a G train, so i could switch, but i somehow missed it and it pulled into queens plaza just as the doors to my E closed. so i got off at 23rd-Ely, hoping that i could beat the G, i ran as fast as i could through the corridor.. but i missed it. it was pulling into the next station. so i sat in the cold station, i swear i was the only one there for like 15 minutes. then candace came down and did the pee pee dance. we got home and we did a mad lib, and looked at pictures. then i showed her the part of "the places you have come to fear the most" that i learned, then i played and played and played until i could play the entire intro. now im super proud of myself.

some lyrics? ok.

*sleep with our socks on, we never know how cold it gets in this room.. i can see my breath but tell me, why can't i see yours.. watching the lights dim, watching my fingers moving, bleeding.. be her eyes, leave her alone.. be her eyes, leave her alone..
wake up and stand tall.. theyre waiting outside of your door.. we cant stop, if we slow down now, we'll never get there..
and thats fine.. this X marks the spot not where a life begins but where a life begins to matter..
be her eyes, leave her alone..*
"the sound of jazz" penfold.

soo good. i hadnt listened to the album in a while.. and i forgot how much i loved it. "sea of crisis" is soooo good. there is one song though.. "brilliance." it was written by a girl. not a member of penfold. but like. i dont know, i hate the beginning, but the middle to the end is sooooo gooooood. its intense.

*If I wake up blind, with the sun in my eyes
Beating on my brow through the car window
If I close my eyes, will I miss pink skies being overcome by black clouds above
But I'm too scared to explain why only days ago, I'm sure I died
The brilliance of the rocks below
I'm in control, at the edge, on my own
Arguments and solace from the book inside the dresser drawer
Curled up on the bathroom floor and Billie's on the radio
If Lady Day could only know how she's saving me now
And I will fly away in time
And I will learn to forgive myself*

"the brilliance of the rocks below" is where it gets good. reallly good.

so anyway. im really tired. my eyes hurt and my back hurts and.. you know. im just tired. im really upset bc i sent him text messages like four days and for four days i got no response. on sunday i responded to his message by saying that he could come fall asleep with me after practice on monday.. i didnt really expect a response though, since my message was in response to his. on monday i sent something like "hope you had a good weekend, i brought yr favorite movie with me just in case." no response. so at like midnight i gave up on hearing from him, and sent "im guessing you wont be stopping by tonight, but if the festivities end early tomorrow, or you get lonely tonight, give me a call." ok. tuesday. "just wanted to say hi. hope yr having a good day. hugs." nothing. wednesday, around noon: "i didnt get everything done, so im still on LI today. what are you up to tonight?" nothing. 2pm: "i dunno if my phone is being dumb again, but i havent gotten any responses from you in 4 days. so if yr free tonight, call me." nothing. so i sent kim a message saying i didnt think i was getting my messages, would she send me one. and she did. so. yah. its not even like last week, when i wasnt getting my messages. he's just not responding. whatever though. im a big girl. i need to walk away. thats it.

but thats the problem.. i have to walk away. and im not ready to do that. the only way i can move on and forget my feelings is to say goodbye. just say its over, and tell him i cant see or speak to him anymore. thats what happened in 98. i had to walk away. only i was stronger then. i *could* walk away. but.. i mean, he also really prompted me to walk away. he wanted some time.. and to me, that translated into.. "i need to not see or speak to you for a while to make suzanne happy, and once thats done, i'll call you." and to allow that would be letting him win, he could get the girl and keep me. i wasnt about that. it hurt, and it hurt so much that i could go.. that i could say byebye... but now. its like.. i want soo much to believe that i let him go and he came back to me. and i still really care, and he hasn't outright HURT me. so i cant convince myself to leave. but ive had the conversation in my head a thousand times. i would say "im sorry, but i cant do this. as long as you are a part of my life, i will have feelings for you, and its not healthy. you dont want to be with me, but every time i see you, we end up being together. and every time i talk to you, i end up seeing you. and even if we didnt hook up when we were together, i would still hurt bc i cant be with you. so what i need for you to do, is to leave me alone. and if i get weak and send you a message, dont respond. just pretend like you didnt get it. instantly delete it from yr phone. and if you miss me, dont tell me. dont send me messages to let me know you were thinking about me, dont build up my hopes and make me think that someday.... someday you'll come around. bc you wont, and i cant be a part of this any longer. you'll understand someday. i'm sorry. i love you too much." it'll be dramatic and sad and i'll probably cry.

im going to bed. its like quarter to four. i need to be effective tomorrow. play some guitar, read some history. you know. not be such a slacker. i can still get up at like 1230 if i go to bed now..

some blink 182 on the way out..

*i think of a while ago, we might have had it all. i was so stupid then, you needed time to grow. but now just as things change, as well my feelings do. in time things rearrange, i am so sick of chasing you. but what do i get, cos i just seem to lose? you make me regret those times i spent with you. and playing those games as i wait for yr call.. now i give up, so goodbye and so long*

i have to go to long island. i need to leave in like 5 minutes. im all packed and ready. i put bring it on in my bag in case the enigma makes an appearance. i also brought 10 things i hate about you, which is another movie intended for teenage girls. either should be good times. im feeling a little nervous right now, slightly anxiety ridden. not especially cool. i hate anxiety, i never know what to do about it. i try to just like drink water and relax. it usually foretells of bad things. we shall see what time brings. my hands are sweaty. the train leaves at 7:14.. so i have almost an hour. i have missed the last two trains i intended to make due to procrastination, though, and also the subway is running on weekend schedule bc of the holiday.. so i'm sure i'll be sorry. the one after that is at 7:34 though, so at least its not an insanely long wait. the lirr is on holiday schedule, too, but for some reason they are running as frequently as during peak.. oooh i should bring batteries! my discman might be running low and the train ride including subway and waiting is like 2 hours. ok i have to leave now or run the risk of having to leave later than i want to.. wish me luck...

watching queer as folk. candace's friend michelle got the complete second season on dvd, so we're borrowing it, only candace cheated and watched the whole first disc without me. so now im trying to catch up. i have to get up early for therapy, though, and im like.. watch or sleep, watch or sleep.. watch won for now. i love emmett. i also love brian. mmm.. i love emmett bc he is hilarious, i love brian bc he is the hottest man i've come across in a longggg time. he might even rival josh hartnett. im not even sure who is hotter. see, brian also has the emotionally detached thing going on, which makes him 9,000 times more attractive. we all know how i loooooooove those emotionally detached boys. he'd make a fabulous musician. ah, the way i fall in love with characters.. sigh.

so yah. i guess im bored. i mean. im not, cos im waaaaay drawn into queer as folk. but i dont know, i need some excitement that goes deeper than the television. i need hugs and cuddles, which is also a problem bc im trying not to get my hopes up, remember? i know him better than to expect him to come through tomorrow.. he'll be tired, he won't want to sleep at my house bc he will be "afraid he won't be able to get up in the morning" bc thats always the reason. last time, when we were on LI and i wanted him to spend the night, but he was all like.. no, i wont be able to go to work, i'll wanna stay in bed with you.. even though i always make sure he gets up, and its probably pretty equidistant from my house to his job as from his house to his job. and my mom will be out of town. so stupid, bc she obviously cant object to him spending the night when my brothers girlfriend lives in the house. but then, he's not my boyfriend, and she doesn't particularly like the way he plays these games. sigh. just remember to breathe, remember not to fall in love with the eyes and the smile and the hands and the.... yah, here i go again.. falling in love. maybe someday i'll either get what i want, or i'll give up. i'd put my money on the latter, but i'll probably never give up hope.

sunday again. feel like i just wrote that. why does it feel like its always sunday?

anyway. worked today. money was alright, i had some really high checks, which helped out. it was an easy day, it wasn't busy, there was a lot of time to socialize. it was me, kim, derek, gino, shaena, and juan. not a bad crowd. lots of banter, being silly, whatnot. after work kim and i went to k-mart, she bought a mattress pad that warms the bed bc she claims her apartment is subzero. then we went to this health food grocery store, which sucked, but we found what i needed for dinner, and we went home. we kinda talked about the whole baxter issue, but not really my side of things, more her side. basically she told me about it, what happened, etc, you know girl talk. so tomorrow we're having lunch also, and i guess i'll bring up the whole thing about does she trust me.. and why she didnt tell me and all that. so anyway, i got home and i made baked ziti and garlic bread for ryan's birthday, which was tuesday. we listened to cursive and he played duck hunt. then we ate dinner, and after that we had a dr mario competition. i did really well, considering he's the master. i swept him one round. we played best three out of five, and we went to five. we listened to the new thursday, and agreed that its overwritten and awful. which kinda of upset me, bc i loooove full collapse. and now here i am!

i got a message from the enigma while i was at work, he said that he just remembered that his moms bday i tuesday, and hes taking her out to dinner, so he wouldn't be able to make it, but that he would try to monday though. so.. maybe tomorrow.. im not gonna get my hopes up, thats for sure. i think this week will probably pass by without getting to hang out with him, but who knows. at least i saw him for a few minutes on friday. should be good for another month and a half..

from an article a woman wrote for mens health about women's secrets. ah, hands.. my favorite part of the body!

2) Just looking at your hands can turn me on.

cant stop thinking about you. the way you tug at yr sleeves. the way you cock yr head, and make that sound, that clicking sound out of the side of yr mouth. the way you crack yr knuckles. yr perpetual gum chewing. the shape of yr face, the way yr arms feel, and yr hands on my back. how you giggle, and yr whole face lights up. the way you constantly fidget, yr always moving yr hands or tapping out beats. the way yr green eyes glisten. the way i feel when you send me one of yr happy messages, the way you babble endlessly about tour and just bullshit that doesnt matter, but it sounds so beautiful when it falls from yr lips and into my lap. and yr so warm and cuddly, so adorable and mysterious yet so simple. the way i talk to you and i feel like you get it, like you have the same goals and ambitions that i have. i hate thinking these things. because when i do, i fall into this pattern of wishing that it all made sense. and i build you into this unbelievable being, and i neglect the flaws and the way you make me hate myself for falling for you all over again.. the realization that im being strung along, and that you dont know what you want is pushed aside in favor of dreaming of how wonderful it would feel to wake up beside you every single day for the rest of forever. i think about the times we've woken up together, and the feeling of bliss that overtook me each time. waking up in the middle of the night, and yr right there, breathing lightly and holding onto me. and then its time to get up, but you just wanna kiss my forehead and hug me and stay in bed forever. .......the truth is, when i read yr message last night, all i could think about was what it meant. was that it, was that the moment that it made sense? do you finally know what you want? bc i already know. i have it all figured out, remember? and why wasnt she there? i obsess over this, i want to constantly think that things didnt work out, and that every time you see me, you realize that we should be together. maybe it was REALLY good to see me because it made you want me to come to shows all the time. what is the spark? what makes everything feel right when we have our arms wrapped around each other? you press my body to yrs and you envelope me. its like you make me safe, you protect me from all the bad things that could happen. i imagine my life if i spent it with you, warm and protected and happy. this is my tragic flaw.. my unbounding hope, and the way in which it obscures the truth and the correct path. path, path, path.. how can i say the truth is obscured when i truly believe that everything happens for a reason, and that the path just lays itself out before us? there is something to all of this.... maybe its not the happy ending i dream about, but its something.. i feel like im living a movie. you know *something* has to happen, you just dont always know how or what or why until the end....

and yr taste still lingers on my lips like i just placed them upon yours and i starve... i starve for you.. -dashboard "standard lines"

so.. i went to the show last night. i had a really good day yesterday, lets start with that, shall we? well, i woke up at 1, and i was surprisingly ready to go. i didnt hit snooze or anything i was like "up and at 'em!" so i got up and i showered, collected a bunch of my cds, and i was off to jamaica for the LIRR. missed my train by 5 minutes (grr) but i got one in like 20 mins, and i met up with my friend mike in mineola. we went to his house and got the directions to the show, then we went to this little italian restaurant in glen cove. i had fettucine alfredo, which i got on my shirt, of course. it wasnt the best fettucine i'd ever had, but it was pretty good. the bread was phenomenal, it had bits of sundried tomatoes baked into the top. i dipped it in olive oil and parmesan cheese. mm... so then we set off for wading river and it was an easy ride, no traffic, good music. we got there and the john stamos project was going on, so we were like "yah, lets go smoke a cigarette" cos neither of us were feeling them. there were mad young people there, but then i realized that i, too, had been in high school once, and that i, too, had gone to shows. so it made sense. the singer from the reformation was late, so there was a loooong break. i spotted the enigma and i immediately kinda freaked out, bc i was like "he has to have noticed me, and he's avoiding me.." and it was like UGH until i finally said to mike "im just gonna go over there" and i did. i tapped him on the shoulder and i was like "hey.." and he was like "hey!" and he hugged me and i guess i kinda looked like scared or something.. when he was hugging me i was kinda being standoffish, bc first of all, there was a girl standing beside him and i was like "oh no..." (she turned out to be dans girl and was no longer a threat, but i didnt know that at the time..), plus i was feeling awkward since i hadnt heard from him at all that week.. but he like started talking to me at a mile a minute, about how he'd been sick all week, and he stayed home from work a couple of days. and then he asked me why i wasn't smiling.. and i was like "uh.. yah, im alright." i wasn't smiling bc i was like freaking out inside, wondering if he'd been ignoring me.. and i guess he noticed that i kept looking away or through him, rather than at him, and he was like "are you ok?" and i said i was.. so he told me about the tour he's booking for april, and then he started telling me about a tour they had gone on, when a bunch of shows were cancelled, but they didnt know till they got there, and how a waitress had given them all free soup and salad, and i wasn't really paying too much attention bc i was still a mess inside. i was thinking that maybe he was talking so much bc he felt guilty, you know, like nervous conversation? so i asked him why he was so full of energy and he was like "i dont know, ive been sick and in a bad mood all week and now im in a really good mood." i dunno, so he babbled a bit more, and then i was like "so, um, did you get ANY of the messages i sent you this week?" and he said he had, and that he had responded to all of them. i told him i hadnt gotten any of the responses he sent, and i showed him on my phone that the last message i had was from bart earlier in the week. i told him that the last message i'd gotten from him was the one about all the random messages he was getting from me, and he was like "i sent you a few that day, i typed 'are you drunk?' bc i thought you must have been drunk, or maybe we had made plans and i forgot" and i was like "nope, didnt get it" and he told me that he had responded to my message that asked if he was mad at me, he said that he had written that that was silly, since he had no reason to be mad.. and i was like "seriously, if you had sent me multiple messages over a course of two weeks, and you hadnt heard anything from me back, you might wonder.." and he agreed. so that was that. then he told me that he'd also sent me messages while he was home sick, bc he saw the commercial for bring it on 2, which we have big jokes about. then that turned into talking about the movies we've watched, and we were standing within earshot of the mysery girl, so i was like "hmm, maybe not the girl.." bc he was like "yah, i dont really remember any of the movies that we watched" and he made air quotes when he said "watched." so yah. then i felt bad bc i was neglecting mike, so i said i was gonna go over to my friend, and i mentioned that i would be home monday and tuesday, and he was like "yah, we usually practice on mondays, but tuesday should be good. i think we're trying to go to hooters.. i dont know why, they are obsessed with that place, and its like no big deal, i dont really care" like he was trying to justify his potential journey to hooters.. but anyway he was like "if we go that shouldnt take all night, so i'll be in touch." and we hugged, and it was a good hug that time bc i wasnt feeling all weird.. so i went and found mike, we watched the reformation (there was this girl in the pit and she was SKANKING i was like "what?!" wrong genre of music, honey).. then his band played, and the kids were pretty psyched, i didnt know they had such a fanbase.. kids were trying to get on the mic and jumping all over each other, and i was reminded of my days of being up front and jumping on peoples backs to get to the mic at stillsuit shows.. sigh. anyway. then on the might of princes played, and i swear they did more talking than playing, and they didn't play "only if she doesnt smoke" which upset me. it ended at like 11, and i looked around for the enigma, and i saw him, and i went over and told him we were leaving, and i hugged him and i was like "you did good" and he was like "i messed up a bunch" and i said "i didnt notice" and he said "everyone says that." so we stood there and i was like.. im starving to kiss you (see above quote) but of course i couldnt bc i am his secret.. i hugged him again and kissed him on the cheek. so we left, and mike and i got some coffee and listened to some music. we got back to his house, and i sent the enigma a message: "hey it was good to see you, hope you have a good night, hugs" and he replied "it was REALLY good to see you. get home safe, hugs" and i was like "awww.. you said REALLY!!!" anyway, so we listened to some more music, talked a whole bunch about our friends and all kinds of things, then we smoked and talked some more. then it was 4am. and we were like what shall we do about getting gille home? so we decided that he would drive me home then, and crash here bc he wasnt gonna make it both ways, but he thought it would be wisest for me to already be in brooklyn, since i had work at noon. so back into the car we went, we contrasted the old "hands down" with the new one, bc i like the old one better and he likes the new one. i think i won, i had good arguments. like in the end.. in my version hes all passionate "and you kissed me like you meant it" but in the new one, hes like "and you kissed. me. like. you. meant itttt" you know. all separate words. not as breathy, more yelling like. so whatever, we finally got here at like 530, came in and crashed. it was funny bc mike is as blind as me without contacts, and he was sleeping in my room bc candace gets up early and i didnt want it to be a problem like if she got up at 7 and was like wanting to watch tv or something.. anyway, so we were in bed and i was irritated by the blanket under me, so we took it off the bed and it generated soo much static electricity.. but we're both blind so it looked like a little light show. finally went to sleep at like 6, got up at 1030. went to work today, made $125 (woohoo, my sales were only $713, so i walked with like 15%!), and now here i am. i just talked to my mom bc she's going to new orleans tomorrow, and im drinking a cherry coke. i should eat something, im starving. STARVING. i just sent kim a message saying that i forgot my sweater at work, and could she rescue it.. and im still worried that im not getting my messages, but yah. i dont understand why i didnt get them. but i believe him, bc first of all, kim sent me messages i never got, and then also, when he was saying he sent me messages, he seemed genuinely bummed that i didnt get the ones asking if i was drunk or the one about bring it on 2.. so yah, who knows what the hell is up with sprint. stupid motherfuckers. anyway, so i guess i will eat some food and watch some tv. oh and kim and i made a date to like talk about things on monday, get some food. everything between us is normal, like we talked a bunch today while we were at work together, and we have the same conversations, its just this unresolved tension thing due to the big secret. ok. im starving.. maybe more later? who knows.

ok i AM going to on the might tomorrow! YAY! mike is going with me. i will sleep now.

im so excited, i just learned the intro to "the places you have come to fear the most" by dashboard. im like WOOOO i will be a star someday. i'm not going to see on the might tomorrow.. i really want to, but i can't handle it alone. kims friends are coming in, and my brother is busy.. antonia is going on a date. ryan is working late. so yah. maybe i can ask mike to go. maybbbeeeee. he's probably working, too. so. im kinda upset that i took off work for this.. and now i can't go. not that i was gonna make money tomorrow, anyway, but like. i probably wont leave the house again. im supposed to go to LI to hang out with mike on saturday, too. so who knows. stupid fucking enigma, ruining everything.

my eyes are burning slightly. my throat kinda hurts, IM FALLING APART. i'm getting old. almost 24, you know. my body is beginning to need sleep and nutrition. i can't we awake and waify for much longer. this sucks! im so mad that i gave away my shift. i never get to do anything i want to do anymore. im always stuck at home, i was fucking finally going to go out and have a good time, but noooo, of course not, i can't go alone bc he wont respond to any of my messages and i cant handle being there with no one to talk to and distract me from being sad or crying bc he wont be talking to me, but maybe she'll be there, and ugh. but i wanted to see him, so in a way i was looking forward to going, i wanted to run into him and get a hug, and have him tell me he's missed me, that he lost his phone or something something something. but i cant go alone, i cant show up there by myself and have it be ok. argh.

candace is sleeping on the couch. i was playing guitar but i felt bad with her sleeping like 5 inches from me. so im watching letterman, im kinda sober, which will have to be fixed as soon as possible. i can feel the wind whipping through my windows. it is verrrry drafty in this apartment.

im like really upset. i keep trying to convince myself that its no big deal, i wont be missing much, but i dont know when kim called and said she was going to hang out with her other friends, i wanted to cry. seriously, im tired of this solitary life. but no one ever wants to do things that i like to do. kim and i decided we were going to go to more shows together, but in the year and a half in which we've been friends, we have seen three shows together.. she came with me to see the enigmas band in may, we went to see thursday in june (which was CANCELLED) and we saw cursive in september. im never going to meet new boys bc none of my friends want to go to shows. they want to go to bars. i have given up drinking. kim was like "well, come out with us tomorrow" and i was like "riiiight, so i can babysit you and yr drunk friends?" i dont even know them.. and its like.. im 23. almost 24. and im through with getting drunk. kim and her friends were like straight edge till they turned 21 (kim lost her edge on her 21st bday.. how typical) so they are still like "WHOOOO" about drinking, cos they've all recently turned 21. im no longer in the trance of getting drunk. i got it out of my system when i was 20 and 21.. i almost had alcohol poisoning a month ago, and i haven't really had any urge to drink since then. i took a shot of tequila on new years, but that's it. oh and i had a beer at the bar a few days ago. but whatever. i dont know what to do with myself. its too cold to have plans, its too sad to do anything, its too.. its too.. i dont know. i dont know what i wanna say. im just tired of this life. i need a new one, a better one, an exciting one. i need to find a niche again, bc im tired of feeling like the odd girl out, bc i lost my scene. its like i lost my home and my comfort. and i cant regain it. like i dont fit in anywhere else. even though ive always gravitated toward the punkish kids in my life.. like tom in college, kim after college, steve in grad school.. i magically click with the hc and emo kids i meet, even when i dont even know about their hc/emo tendancies in the beginning.. freshman year of college destroyed that part of my life (the scenester part), and im really unhappy about that. i still went to shows with tom, but then that fell apart, and then i went to shows with chaz, but they were few and far between, and now its like, i need that part of me back, i need to go and feel alive through the music, and feel at ease and happy and dance around some church or vfw hall, just being at one with the music and feeling every strum of the guitar, every beat of the drums, and every word that falls out of the singers mouth. that was it for me, it was all i needed to be whole. its since i left my scene that everything became dreary. i need it back. im resolving to get it back. come hell or high water.

i cant remember how many times i've blogged today, or what i said, really. i havent been sober since i woke up at 3:15.. i've eaten and eaten and eaten. i had some minestrone. the soup upset me, they like changed the recipe or something and have omitted the lima beans and white beans. grr. i had some crackers, some gushers. made myself an egg sandwich before, and i just finished eating some pudding. im like "its cold, must stuff face."

so i dont know, im watching er. im still debating whether or not i should go to that show tomorrow... i want to!!! but i have yet to hear from the kim on if she is coming with me, and i also havent heard from my brother. well, i am IMing with him right now, so maybe i'll figure some stuff out.

i feel so full. i need to stop eating so much. must maintain girlish figure. dont want to gain weight, like being small..

my knees hurt. im starting to feel old. its weird, bc in my minds eye, im still 17. but then i think about 17 year old girls, and 20 year old boys and im like wow.. i was like remembering when i thought 20 was the perfect age for a boy, and now i think about 20 year old boys and im like.. sooo young. but then i dont know any boys who are 20 right now. i think jesse is 19. but he doesnt act young. maybe this is just my distorted thinking.

im way bored. thinking about picking up my guitar. im watching jeopardy!, but im not into it. its hard. candace forgot her phone here. i looked for it, and i could feel it vibrating the floor, but i think she is calling it bc she cant find it, and i cant find it, and so it keeps ringing and ringing. i feel like i should make another attempt to find it and belay her fears that she might have lost it on the train. i wonder if im being a bad friend. i called her phone and left a voicemail saying it was here, but i dunno if shes even ckecking it. a lot of people i know dont know their voicemail passwords bc its saved on their phone.. anyway, i found it, it was on her bookshelf, and mark called. so all is not lost.

i so have nothing to say right now....

its 6 am and im still up. remind me again what the hell is wrong with me?

i said i was going to sleep. but i cant sleep. its cold in the living room, and i keep eating lifesavers. i wish people were online right now. everyone went to bed. everyone else sleeps at night. sometimes i get jealous. but then, i sleep all day. so it evens out. i was going to get my fingerprints done tomorrow, but for some reason, i think the snow will deter me from taking the train to south brooklyn. i think its quite likely that i won't leave my house at all. take that, world.

oh, and i added this little email link on the side. dont know if i did it right.. but yah. people should email me or something, if they happen across my blog. cos im constantly wondering if anyone ever reads the crap i write, anyway.. sillycaterpillar@yahoo.com

i just finished the crossword puzzle. one of the answers was "enigma." hmmm...

its snowing. but it doesnt look like snow. it looks like tiny balls of glitter falling from the sky. the snowflakes land on you, and they dont melt, they keep their tiny little unique shapes for a while before they are gone. and when you walk through it, its like walking through sand at the beach, and it glimmers and shines like little mirrors. reflecting light. like the glittery sidewalk. i walked down my street, and i said to myself "well, i guess no one's been to franklin street tonight." the snow was still all undisturbed on the sidewalk. it was snow i like, for the first time in my life. new york snow is always filthy the minute it falls. but this was pure, clean snow. i wanted to bottle it, but i realized it isnt sand. it will melt.

remember the day that we decided we wanted to be tourists, too? and we were going to make up our own language, and speak it to each other, while riding tour busses.. seeing all the sights, and looking at tall buildings with wonder. i remember that day. i think it was cold out.

and you, mister enigma.. why are you avoiding me? why won't you respond when i send you a message? what have i done? are you mad at me for wondering why you never ask me to come see you play anymore? or are you letting go? i sent you TWO messages today. two. and i did not hear back from you once. i miss you. i wish i could understand why i miss you, i wish i could understand why yr not answering me. i wish that you'd stop being an enigma and loan me a moment of clarity.

im tired of being awake. im through with this day..

aaaargh. i havent seen my roommate in over a week. the last time i saw her was monday Jan 5. im beginning to get used to living alone, which i guess is good, since i'll be living alone when i move back to long island. wish that i could have a cat. sometimes i get really mad she wouldnt let me get a cat, esp when she is never ever here. whatever though.

i think bart is going to bail on our guitar lesson. i also think that kim isnt going to call me, bc aint no way that she is still at work right now. its like quarter to eleven.. she should even be home right now. i miss the enigma, i wish my phone would vibrate with some simple words. i dont care what, it could just say "just wanted to say hi" and i would be happy. maybe hes trying to forget me. maybe he should have let me go in sept when he decided to try to make things work with his ex.. but he said he didnt want to forget me, he wanted to stay friends, he didnt want that to happen again.. ugh ugh ugh. maybe i need this, but im lonely without him. not that he kept me company before, but yah. i dont know. i think its sinking in that this was all a game again, and that im the asshole. and dont you hate it, when it turns out, yr the asshole? speaking of on the might of princes.. i really wanna get off work and go see them friday in wading river. i wish i had my car! the problem here is that the band of the enigma is playing as well, and i cannot show up alone. i could if they werent, but.. it would be too weird. to hang out by myself and possibly meet her and ugh. but i wanna see them..... im like racking my brain to think of people who might possibly go see on the might with me.. maybe ill go through my phone later. maybe kim will go. maybe ill just be tough and go alone. riiiiight. but i really wanna goooooo. this is tragic. im fucked up so it doesnt matter right now anyway. bye.

dont you see, dont you see,that the charade is over?
and all the "best deceptions" and "clever cover story" awards go to you.
so kiss me hard cos this will be the last time that i let you.
you will be back someday and this awkward kiss that tells of other people's lips will be of service to keeping you away.
...
i'm waiting for blood to flow to my fingers, i'll be all right when my hands get warm.
ignoring the phone, i'd rather say nothing.
id rather youd never heard my voice.
yr calling too late, too late to be gracious, and you do not warrant long good-byes.
yr calling too late.

'the best deceptions' *dashboard*

it smells like butter cookies.. mmm.. i wanna go like knock on doors and find out who is making this delectable smell travel into my apartment, and if they wouldn't mind sharing. i could make some pudding, but it wouldnt be the same as oven fresh cookies.. mmmmm..

i just cut my nails really short on my left hand. i felt like they were impeding my guitar playing. bart is supposed to give me a lesson tonight. i havent heard from him yet though. ill just practice by myself if not. they are moving furniture again upstairs. i hate them.

i think i will eat...

just got home from therapy and errands. i went to pace, and i was like woooooo i finally submitted all the paperwork for my teacher certification, and i feel like i got something done. i still have to get my fingerprints, but im thinking ill do that thursday. speaking of thursday, i was just listening to them. mmmm so good. gille loves full collapse. *i'm falling to pieces. i cant let go, tearing apart yr lies. i want to live.. its the sound of yr shotgun pulse beating over and over in yr silent halls. its a thought that keeps us alive, it makes us want to rise.* BEST ALBUM EVER. ok maybe not ever, but its certainly in my top five. there is not one song on that cd that i do not love.

so anyway i went to the school of education and finished all that stuff, then i went to bill's office, bc i ran into him on the way in. he gave me motivational tips on how to get my thesis going. he told me that if i dont start soon, he's gonna sic nancy on me, and she is well know as an academic dominatrix. oh my. he wants me to set aside 4 hours a day (!!!) every day to dedicate to my thesis. riiiiiight. maybe on days i go to rutgers for the library. im going to be so boring this semester, researching and playing guitar all the time. thats all i want to do. play guitar. not research, i dont wanna do that at all.

so therapy was ok today. we talked about the kimberly drama, and she said that i wasnt being selfish, bc i worried i was.. i was afraid that i was being selfish in feeling like kim should have told me.. but she reminded me that the nature of our friendship has always been super honest. i mean... the day kim and i became friends was like.. i dont know. i ran into her on the L train, we were both going to work and it turned out that she lived on S. 4th (i was living on S. 3rd). she was all concerned about me bc i'd lost a lot of weight.. and we talked at work and she came over afterward, and we basically just bonded. we sat in my apartment and i told her all about the nick and jan drama, how jan had told me that our friendship was worth less to her than trying out a relationship with nick, and how insignificant that made me feel, and how i had literally just begun to open up to jan the week before and let her into the darkness and the pain of what had been my life until then.. and then she was like "yah, gille, who needs you when i could have a chance with the WORST BOY IN THE WORLD." whatever, though, maybe he isnt so rotten to her. maybe they are still together and in love and planning their life together. maybe my loss was their gain, and maybe i facilitated happiness in someone elses life. that seems to be the role i play, get fucked over so other people can be happy forever.. hey, maybe someday it'll be my turn to have life make sense again. anyway, so we each other our life stories. kim omitted a lot, bc she's a closed person, and i omitted a lot bc i didnt wanna be like "yah, and then i was date raped.." bc i thought maybe we should work up to that.. but we told each other a lot, we both have really dysfunctional family histories, and a lot of the same issues, and we had both been played by jaime.. but we were instant best friends, we instantly trusted each other, and i knew iw ould be able to count on her for everything. i felt like i knew that she wasnt going to be the type of person who hurts others to gain for themselves (which perhaps i might have been wrong about but i love her nonetheless). we started talking like nightly and hanging out all the time and we just got very involved in each others lives and pasts and... its always been that way. i tell her everything, she tells me everything. and so it hurt when she didnt tell me something as major as that, and it also bothered me bc if mikey caught her, then it was gonna get out and i'd hear eventually.. so why couldnt she just tell me herself and skip the fight? but anyway. my therapist concluded that i wasnt being selfish, that i had certain expectations of my friendship with kim, and that those expectations were let down. then i guess she wanted to talk about the enigma, but i had nothing to say. she thinks that we cant be friends, bc hanging out inevitably leads to making out and making out inevitably leads to stuff and stuff inevitably leads to me being sad. i was like, yah youve been saying this for a year now, and nothing changed, so lets talk about something else. and i told her about my sober year with chaz, and how when things began to fall apart, i immediately wanted to do drugs again. in my journal, i wrote something about how i was losing him, how it was my fault for picking fights and pushing him away, and how all i wanted to do was get high. i no longer had my comfort and my happiness, so i wanted to bury it all in being high. and what happened? i met nick, who, when we met, was a sometimes smoker.. but soon that turned into something we did on the weekends, which then turned into if we couldnt get any for a friday night, he would be all pissed off and not even want to talk to me, despite the efforts i made to call people and score some. like it was my fault. so then i started to make sure we always had some, to ensure that he wouldn't throw a temper tantrum, and always having some turned into smoking almost daily, which turned into smoking constantly, before work, before class, after work, after class, at night, later that night, before bed, and all the time. eigths turned into ounces and ounces turned into two at a time, which led to the hiding place in the molding of the wall, and not a sober day since. i'm sober right now. but i havent really been *sober* since chaz and i broke up. the day after we broke up, i got drunk. i hated drinking, and i hated when he drank, and i turned into him. i always take what i hated and make it my own.. like when jon and i stopped seeing each other in 1997, i started smoking marlboro reds, even though i hated them before that. and when steve and i broke up in 1999, i started smoking pot, even though i hated it before that. i absorb all the negative qualities of the people who hurt me. i didn't continue to drink, but i did continue to be fucked up as often as possible. bc when yr not sober, you dont have to face it. i didnt have to face the fact that the love we shared was gone, and that it was all my fault. i still havent faced it. i mean, i have.. and i apologized and i asked for a chance at forgiveness, but its too late. but that hasnt made me stop getting fucked up all the time so that i dont have to deal with the world around me. because i hate the world around me, its not the utopia i built my sophomore year of college, its this bleak desolate land that has more rainy days than sunny days. but my memories of those days are so bright and sunny, i cant look at pictures or think back without there being this aura of peacefulness and glowing. i dont know, maybe thats why i cant get over it, maybe the feelings are dead but the memory of being sober and happy remains. or maybe it wasnt supposed to end that way. maybe i forced my fate and made a terrible series of decisions. no.. no! life has its path, the decisions we make were our only choice bc without them, we cant move on to the next battle, the next creation, the next triumph.. every decision is made before we consciously make it. but then why do i still feel this way about a boy who hates me? why can't i let go?