is it too late to heal?

*im gonna harden my heart.. im gonna swallow my tears.. im gonna turn and leave you here..*

dude, all i wanna do right now is post to my stupid fucking blog, and blogger is all "no". so i am writing this in a blank email, with hopes of posting later or tomorrow. it is presently august 31, 12:29am.

i have nothing of note to report, i guess i just wanna write. vent. i dont know. once again its been a while since i posted anything of worth, so.. here goes the summary....

friday.. yo, friday was fucking intense. i woke up at 1pm, my dad was at my apartment, so i had to get up and let him in. he and michael brought some boxes downstairs while i showered, then i did some more miscellaneous packing, more boxes, more moving, then my dad left. i had to go to work, so mike went home. work was sad and fun. they got me two ice cream cakes from ben and jerry's, and a huge bouquet of beautiful flowers. i almost cried, but i didnt. kim came into chevys and i did a half-assed version of tables and sidework, i did not do any rollups, and we were off. we went over to smiths.. we were joined by bart, lee, jesse, rebecca, shaena, lana, errol, derek, david, ricardo.. this kid matt and his friend stopped by, this new server clinton came by and bought me a drink.. i was disappointed that baxter didnt show up, but he was pretty much the only one. actually, twon and my friend mike from myspace didnt show up either, but oh well. we had some drinks, i drank too fast and ended up puking. kim held my hair. i took like 3 rolls of pics, i got two developed today and i got all nostalgic. aww. anyway so i was all sick and sad, and i called candace bc lee put "look away" on the jukebox and i cried.. derek was hugging me over the booth back, it was really sweet of him.. hes like "give daddy num-nums" and im like "what??" so he explained that thats what he says to p'scuse me (his cat, her name is p'scuse me jones), and she knows to give him kisses. so i gave him kisses. it was like our last kissing or something. i dont know. i cried a little, he hugged me a lot. i puked. i felt really sick, and by then the crowd was thinning, so we left.. it was just kim and lee and i by then, and i was asking her to come to greenpoint with me bc i felt like shit and didnt wanna be alone (candace went to boston) and she said she wouldnt bc she wanted to go to gonzos. so i hailed a cab, and i yelled "fuck you" to her a few times, got in the cab... i texted her that it was way fucked up that her nonrelationship meant more than our friendship.. so lee called me, and hes like "yah, shes going to meet him, she says yr just drunk, you'll get over it." so i texted her again, something like "fuck you, i WONT get over it. dont call me again. goodbye." then i kinda felt bad, but eh. i figure thats it for us, shes too proud to call me, im too proud to call her, and besides, thats so fucked up of her. i wanted to call her so bad oday cos i saw some hot high school boys (inside joke) at the mall, and that made me kinda sad for a second. anyway so i got home, and mike called me, and i couldnt stop vomiting long enough to form a sentance, so he was worried and he drove half-drunk to greenpoint from sea cliff at 5am to come make sure i was gonna be ok. so he came and i was passed out, it took him 20 mins to wake me up so i could come let him in my apartment. he took care of me, and we slept for like 3 hours. then at 9 my parents came and moved me the rest of the way out. it was sad.

so saturday was moving day, we were done by 11.. mike and i hung out, cleaned up real quick, then i came here and napped on my bedroom floor for a couple hours. it was mike's bday, and he came out, we went to my baby cousins 1st bday party, then we went to target.. i took him to have dinner at the california.. it was pretty boring for a bday, but he wasnt really interested in celebrating. he stayed over here, and we just watched tv and chilled.

sunday.. hmm that was yesterday. well.. i cant remember doing anything of note. mike was still here, we got up in the morning (afternoon) and im not sure we did anything. we went to the diner, the lake rock, and the food and service sucked. it has gone severely downhill since i was in high school and katie and i went there for lunch every other day. after that, i put pictures in photo albums. later we went out for a drive.. looked at big expensive houses in beltair and old field. came back here after driving for like 2 hours, went to bed.

today was also pretty lame. mike left in the morning, which was good cos i needed some alone time. i went to the post office for a change of address, came home, did laundry.. went to bath and body works with mom, got bagels for lunch.. i came home, she went to the chiropracter. i dont think i did anything of note. i looked at my pictures a few times.. perhaps i will scan some of them and post them to my bloooog. i updated my myspace profile.. texted the enigma to see if he wanted to go to the mall with me, but he said he was in the city. how convenient. feel like he's avoiding me again, as he looooooves to do after he has seen me once. fuck it though, im slowly detaching myself.. it feels weird, like instead of being sad about him, i get angry. a large part of me cant wait for him to go back on tour in october, maybe while he is away for two months, i can move on. that would be super.

so i went to the mall alone, i got something to wear tomorrow at h&m, since i have to go to human resources at the school for my job offer. woo. i have to be there at 8! which means i have to wake up in 5 hours. ugh. im about to take some nyquil and pass out. perhaps. im hoping i can..

and i guess thats that. im really just angry today. i hate the boy, i dont want him to get in touch with me.. bc i know if and when he does, it will be for sex, and i wanted to go out with him today in public and just hang out and not have any of that crap involved. i was looking at his myspace profile today, and this girl left him a comment that says "bikini briefs make the world go round" and it made me feel jealous and mad, bc he got bikini briefs as a gag gift 2 bdays ago and he wore them to hang out with me once to be silly.. and we sometimes joke about them.. i think he even bought new ones when he was on tour and wore them when we hung out a few weeks ago for fun.. and now that i know this other girl is in on it, it makes me sad. now im wondering if he is hooking up with her. maybe he is. shes all about their tour dates on her myspace. whatever though. i just cant stand him right now, but the sentimental part of me wants him to text me tomorrow. that same part of me wants me to hold out before i 100% hate him to see if things change, but the sensible part of me knows they wont, and i have the whole thing planned, like what ill say to him when i want him to know why im saying goodbye, and all the delusions will be popped.. cos you know what, the "timing" excuse doesnt work anymore. he is single, i am here, he does nothing. i need to accept that he will never love me, and i need to move on. aarrrrrgh.

ok im taking my nyquil now. nite...

ooh i have 420 posts. hehe.

so im all moved. its not so bad yet. i have my nice big bed. im living out of boxes. i find out what position i get tomorrow at 8am. today im doing laundry and later i will go to the mall. id like to get my film developed today.. its only 130, i could bring it there now. i was going to drop off the two disposable cameras when i went to the post office for my change of address form, but i forgot them. perhaps ill run back out. maybe more later..

im tired. going to bed in a minute.. i havent got much of anything to say right now, so eh. today was kinda intense, i had my last session with jenn. it was sad, and she said she was going to miss me. it feels like its not final though, cos i havent really accepted it yet. when i got home i organized all of my cds and packed away their cases. then i showered and went to work. it was painless.. i got cut at like 9, so i did all my sidework real quick, didnt have to do tables, rolled my silver while my last table ate.. i left at 10, got home by 1035 (woo), and candace and i packed till 2. it was intense. i have like 14 full boxes right now, maybe more, and i also have to still pack the kitchen. and all my clothes. but thats it, and anything im using, like bathroom shit. you know. its kind of emotional, but agai, i think it has refused to set in that i have but three days left in brooklyn before i leave for at least a while to do the li thing and try to get some roots established. arrrrgh.

i just imed with the enigma for a little. very ineventful convo. though he did send me like 900 hugs which was good, though i would prefer they be real. boo. however, i have a feeling that this will all be ending soon. im starting to lose my faith in the future we could have had together. sometimes i realize that he might be a really bad boyfriend. also, he doesnt love me. so. you know. perhaps ill hit the end of my rope.... i dunno though, i mean i get like this from time to time, and i never actually let go. so... im probably just talking out of my ass.

ok, im goin to bed. perhaps tomorrow will bring some sort of excitement, and a nice report in here. ha, though. way unlikely.

"a little drama never hurt anyone"
-shirt seen on a girl in times square

i have been leading a life of ups and downs, its been all over the spectrum the past few days.. saturday was good, i worked, and it was painless and goooooood money.. after work, i went to olive garden with jesse and lee, that was fun. we had some drinks while we waited for a table.. then we had dinner, and it like wreaked havoc on my system. i was very unhappy. jesse wanted to go see alien v preditor, but lee had to go read a script, and i had to go home to get to the train station because...

the enigma picked me up at the ronkonkoma station at 1138pm. actually, he picked me up in the van instead of his jeep, so i was looking for him for like 5 minutes before i called him and found out he was in the van and i was looking for the wrong vehicle. anyway. so we went to his house, and on the way he told me about how they cancelled the tour and stuff, we talked a little about the fact that i still hadnt heard from northport. we got to his house, and he gave me the red sparkly belt to give to kim, but i think i will keep it for a wee bit. he was going through all his mail and i noticed there was a picture of laura on his armoir. i asked to use the bathroom, and when i came back, he had turned it on its face. he took a shower, and while he was in there, i peeked at it. shes pretty. she looks athletic. it made me really uncomfortable. for a little while i felt pretty weird, and when he got out of the shower, we watched leaving las vegas.. it was sad. we cuddled, and had lots of hugs and belly rubbing. it was a good time. the awkwardness passed, and i felt comfortable with him and it was cool bc we actually made out a lot this time, which made me feel less like he was rushing to get in my pants. we watched south park, and it was hilarious, it was the one where cartman goes on maury povich as an out of control teen. jesse always quotes it, but i never knew it was a cartman quote. anyway, we were gonna just crash at his house, but he was worried his parents would come home, and they are kinda weird about that, and i needed to get my saline and stuff out of the van, so he decided we should go to my house. on the way we stopped and got pizza. i never knew we had a pizza place that was open at 3am, but we do. went back to my moms and we watched some tv and ate pizza. laughed, it was fun. we laid down for bed, and he watched tv while i cuddled with him. we went to sleep at like 430.. i woke up a lot throughout the night, but it was nice cos we were always cuddling (yay for the twin size bed hehe). we woke up at like 130. we talked a lot, and i ended up really sad bc we talked about how i had to move back into my parents house and that i havent heard from the school and i guess i just havent been talking about it out loud, plus i am 100% PMS girl right now, so tearful tearful me. you know. it felt like he didnt know what to do, and it made him uncomfortable, but he was hugging me and kissing my head and saying it would be ok. then we moved past that and talked about better things. at like 330 he like hopped out of bed, and said he had to get going so he could do laundry and be out of the house before his parents got home (they were upstate for the weekend) bc he thought they would give him shit for coming home early etc.. so anyway. we breifly talked about school for him, and then he left. before i walked him out, i showed him my brothers fish. emily met him. she said she still doesnt like him. boo. we talked for a minute at the car, and i said i would text him about the job if i heard from them today, and he said he would see me soon... he kissed me goodbye and that was that. then i missed him, boo...

after he left, i went down and talked to rich and em. i then went over to emilys moms house with them. my brother got picked up at like 6 to go see greyscale with his friend matt, and then em and i hung out with her mom. it was funny. we laughed a lot. i was in a really good mood from seeing the boy and im sure i was glowing due to, uh, releasing stress.. heh heh heh. we stayed there till ike 9ish, then emily and i went to the california diner. had some good dinner. went home to my moms.. i talked to my mom for a little, went online.. i watched my brother play video games, then i went outside to smoke a cig, and i started thinking that this whol enigma situation is ridiculous, that i could probably acheive this with someone else, and feel like they wanna be with me.. like i feel like a suitable amount of time has elapsed in our relationship where if he wanted to be with me, hed be with me already. you know? i had a momentary internal battle, and decided that it wasnt worth it to even think about.. itll be or it wont. im near the end of my rope with him. so i went upstairs and watched some music videos, some cops, it was bleh. but i saw the video for "screaming infidelities" which was yay. then i went to bed.

sooo northport finally called me back today! and still they dont know. basically the SS guy told me that he wanted to give me as much info as possible while still remaining professional, and what i gathered from the vagueness of the story is that im being considered for the part-time position, but someone for the full-time has a problem with their certification, and they are waiting to hear from the state on the certification, and if its not good, then i will get the full-time. sooooooo what this all boils down to is that i am def getting a job, but probably the p/t, which sucks sucks sucks, bc i dont wanna wait tables, i dont wanna work two jobs, i dont want to live at home for longer than a month. he said hopefully they would call me tomorrow. i am no longer holding my breath. at least i know i have something.

so. the morning went ok, i got up, had lunch with mom. i cleaned my room since im going to be living in it in 5 days.. then yoda came in and curled up next to me and i took that as a sign that i needed to take a nap. a cat nap, if you will. so i did. it was a glorious nap. i woke up when my dad called me. then everything went wrong. i called mike and we had a discussion that really upset me. basically just about the job and moving out and waiting tables, and im not gonna go into it, but he was saying i should think positively, and i said i was, but that im also trying to be careful and not take big risks, and everyone sees it as me being pessimistic, but i see it as being careful. anyway. there was yelling involved. we hung up, my brother got home and said he wouldnt be able to come here friday to help my dad get some of my boxes. so i called my dad. and i was still upset from the discussion with mike, and i was telling my dad, and my mom came in my room and assumed i was upset that my brother couldnt help, and she said i wasnt appreciative and i want everything done for me and all this crap that made me feel like a horrible child, and i started screaming that i should just kill myself. my dad hung up on me, my mom started screaming at me about how unappreciative i am, it was terrible, there was so much yelling involved, screaming, crying. i went outside, i smoked a cig and cried, my mom sat like two steps below me and cried, and i went in the house and packed. i was leaving and she hugged me and told me how worried she is, how shes afraid ill end up miserable like my grandmother bc i refuse to take steps to treat depression and all this stuff, and we cried and it was awful. i was all shaken up and panicy when i was driving home, i like totally couldnt handle the truck, i wasnt driving stead, and i had to pull off the expressway and into a parking lot for like 30 minutes. i was afraid id get pulled over for drunk driving or something. i talked to kim for like 20 mins, i told her everything and i just totally vented, then i sat there for a little while longer. i called mike. then i felt a little less crazy.. i mean i really felt crazy like totally at a loss for any sanity, it felt like i was fucked up but i wasnt on drugs. thats what i told kim, that it felt like i was on drugs, but i was sober. so.. once i calmed down a little, i could continue the drive. i got here, and found parking right away, which made me waaaay happy.

so tonight i packed with candace. she packed my book shelf for me, well like 3/4 of it. i consolidated boxes and threw stuff away (gasp!).. my room is now pretty much packed. the only things left are the boxes that make my night stand. and my clothes and shoes. ugh. the living room needs to be packed hardcore. also the bathroom and the kitchen, but i would rather tackle those during the day. and ill prob leave a lot of the stuff i have with candace, like im not gonna pack up the windex or anything. it was purchased for the household, and im not taking it with me. i think ill do the living room tomorrow, before and after work.

now im just sitting here. i have a slight headache. im a little bit cold right now, im pretty tired for all the crying and yelling i did today. im feeling very ambivalent, and sort of like im giving up on a lot of things that had kept me going for so long.. argh. i think i might go to bed. have therapy in the morning...

ooooh!! i forgot to say... my fucking dream of the night before last came true! i texted the boy this morning to ask if he was having a good bday, and he said he had just eaten chick fil a which is like his favorite so he was happy, but that they were on their way home.. and i asked for how long, and he said that for a few reasons, the drummer doesnt wanna finish the tour.. so they are coming home. isnt the bizarre? he said that he and two of the other tbp members would play with this is hell, and that he didnt know what was going to happen to tbp. i thought he told me this yesterday, so i didnt include it originally bc i thought i would be repeating myself. but upon perusing yesterdays entry, i found that i only relayed the dream, and at that point did not know it would come true. then i looked through my text messages and saw that he only told me they were coming home for good this morning. yesterday or the day before he told me he was coming home, but that he didnt think he would be here till mon or tues. however, tonight he texted me that they were leaving orlando at like midnight.. its like a 19 hour drive, i guess, and i think they wanna drive through the night.. they drove straight from colorado last time, so i dont see why they wouldnt drive straight this time. he said they planned to be back at some point tomorrow night, and asked if i was working. i said i wasnt, and i would be on li. anyway im pretty excited. like i said i dont want to get my hopes up because things could revert when he gets home. he could get re-involved with laura. he could break my heart into a million pieces. whatever, though, one more heartbreak and im pretty sure ill be ready to walk away for good.

so yah, i was going to bed, remember? way sleepy.. have to get up for work in 5.5 hours. grrrr..

i am so against the running olympic events.

im really tired. it was fucking hot in my apartment today, so i couldnt sleep. plus i was constantly calling the school. no avail. thanks, northport, for making me so nervous and axious that everything was ruined, and for then further ruining my life by condemning me to move back in with mom. arrrgh.

sooo.. enigma soon. he left orlando at like midnight. he said "sunday has yr name written all over it" so yay! im going to li tomorrow, i have to take care of stuff with my momma, after i go to olive garden with lee and jesse. if the boy makes it back to li before i get home, hopefully he can get me at the train station. spend the night with me, mmmm. that would be super. i had to bail on mike and i's beach day due to taking care of mom stuff sunday, so i might as well still get to hang out with someone hehe. i would love the all night cuddles, but it will probably still be mother muggy, which would make sleeping with him rather difficult. i dont even have a fan there. we shall see what happens. i am very happy to be seeing him, though, and it might be fun for me to be unemployed and him to be unemployed and we could spend a whole lot of time together, and fall in love.. ugh, shut up gille. no hopes up, please. that is not fun. especially now that i do not, in fact, have my own place as was planned. well i do have like $2000 saved up.. actually $2700 if you count my $700 vacation fund. so i could live for a little while with no job, i think. hmm.

i could still hear from northport monday morning. i am hoping soo hard that they call me monday. i left messages with both the principal and the SS chair... i need for one of them to call me, even if its to tell me i wasnt selected.

ok im sleepy. night night.

*im tired of sleeping alone*
alkaline trio

im gonna write the whole thing in color tonight. i had good dreams last night for the first time in as long as i can remember. first i dreamt that the boy came home from tour for good this week, and that he wanted to spend a lot of time with me and it made me really happy. then i dreamt that kim and i were somewhere, perhaps a graduation of sorts, and we saw nick. it was weird, but we talked for a few minutes the three of us, and my bitterness toward him faded. we exchanged numbers, knowing we probably wouldnt call each other, but it made me feel lighter, like this crap id been carrying around for 2 years is finally dissipated. i woke up feeling happy for a second before i realized it was 1130am and i still hadnt heard from the school. i called them a few times, but no answer. fell back asleep till 2, called again constantly for like 2 hours. they never called me. im sort of freaking out now. my confidence has absolutely plummeted, and so when i finally got out of bed at 315, i felt dejected and tired.

so. i got up, went on myspace for a little while, and then i went to work. it was fairly painless. i worked in the bar with derek, sean, jolynn, ed, and mark. it was an old school night, it felt almost like old times. and then dustin (aka justin) came in and it felt even more like old times. derek got a tiny shard of glass lodged in his middle finger and i had to perform surgery on him. he was like a child. it was fun. he comes over to me, and hes like "i need a big favor of you." (dramatic pause) ... "i need you to get this glass out of my finger." so we went into the light and i fussed with it for a minute, but we had tables, so i was like "ok, we will resume this operation in a minute" and i went about m tables. came back to derek with a glass of tea water and some bev naps, and i put hot hot water on his hand and he was like "AAAAH" and i said "its burning me, too!" so he would make sure i wasnt being malicious hahah. just kidding, i really wanted to try to open up the pore or something. so i poked at it for like anouther minute and finally we got it out and he gave me a huge hug and a kiss on the cheek it was cute. then like 5 minutes later he thanked me again and hugged me again, and i was like "you know me, den mother." it was good times and i felt like i was able to use my nurturing skills.. and i love using them on derek bc he responds the exact way i want to be reacted to.. all hugging me and being super appreciative, like he needed me. i like to feel needed. i, in fact, need to feel needed.

overall i made 145ish. that was a plus. derek went home (well not home, out with dustin and david) early, and ricardo took his place. that was ok. hes a little intense though, and i feel like he's always playing games bc he knows that its my weakness. ..

"i wish i could sing the words that meant something to you. if i lied and said i cared you wouldnt feel so used. ill be here to put you down, and bring you up again, and ill be the first to leave when yr in need of a friend.. its been another bad day.. its been another bad da-ay, and maybe if i say the right things, maybe, i can make you stay. everybody's on my case and i dont have the time to waste with you bc im trying to face the fact that i can hold my ground today. its been another bad day.. been another bad da-ay, and maybe if i say the right things, maybe, i can make you stay."

right on kurt. he wrote that song about me when i was 16 years old. and i havent changed a bit. maybe if i say the right things, maybe, i can make you stay. yep. of course. i wonder if he spread the word, that im the stupidest girl ever and i fall for lines all the stupid time.

right now im listening to the rex, and my other nice song, "supernuthin" is on. its making me sort of happy, to remember what it felt like to mean something to someone.

blah. i need to shave my legs in the worst way. i need to do laundry. i need to sleep but im semi-wired. and once again i am drawn into the olympics. wow, these gymnasts and the balance beam.. they keep losing their balance. i mean, i know its hard, but they are olympians for crying out loud. well this romanian chick is doing pretty good so far. im afraid to take my eyes off or ill miss her mess up. her landing seems to have been just ok. well i dont know. im not listening, so i dont know if that was it. oh well.

im sort of sleepy. a lot of lights are on right now. in fact, four are on, and three are totally unnecessary. oh well. im going to bed soon anyhow. ooh and happy birthday to the enigma boy! he is 26 today. i sent him a text a 12:01 and i was the first one! YAY!! its kinda funny. he is the oldest guy i have ever dated (for lack of a better term..) and at the same time, he is probably the most immature. whatever, thats part of his charm, his lost boy-ness. everyone knows gille loves lost boys. just call me wendy.

im really not digging the floor exercise. i thought i was, but now its starting to irritate me. i like balance beam. i really like the uneven bars.

grr so tomorrow i really have to wake up by like.. 1 at the latest. though i doubt ill be able to sleep late, seeing as im freaking out about this job and as soon as i naturally wake up at like 10am, i will be nerve-wracked, and calling the social studies department. if i get good news, and i can by some grace of God, go to the HR department monday morning early, then i can go back to sleep till 1 or so. get up, do laundry. i have no clean socks, so i have to have to have to, ok? the only reason i will be dirty tomorrow is if they *need* me to go to HR tomorrow, and i can get a hold of mike and he can come get me, and we get there by 1, and i get home by 4 so i can be to work by 5, to close the bar. that would be WAY intense and a day i am unprepared for, seeing as i have to get up early again saturday for my 12pm shift. i dont care how it works out, though, i just want it to all work out and be ok and i dont want to be homeless or unemployed, i want to get my apartment on li and work as a teacher and be somewhat settled and happy and have a kitty and a place to call my own, thats all i want.

please stop smiting me? i was thinking earlier today that perhaps God does this to make people believe in him. i mean, maybe he just does it to the heretics. its not that im a heretic, though, its just that i never really formed a relationship with God, and im unsure that making an effort will really improve my standing or just brainwash me. then i thought that i better get into Heaven if it exists, since my whole earthly life was hell.

alright. im gonna watch carly patterson get her gold medal and then im goin to bed.

sweet dreams.

im kinda sleepy. tomorrow is thursday, i have work at 430. i want to wash clothes, but that is so not in the cards, unless i cant sleep in the morning, which happens, oh, never. so..

i did not text the enigma today, but he texted me at like 830pm, asking what day i was moving. i said the 28th, and asked if he was coming home to celebrate.. he said he thinks he might be home this weekend.. but then he said mon or tues, so i dunno, but eeeeee.. im pretty psyched. he texted me bc he wants to see me when he comes home! yay! yay! YAY!!! so i said i would love to see him if he has time and he said 'i will.' so yay for that as well. when i was in the cab on the way home, i sent him a text saying i hope he is bringing a bunch of hugs home with him if he comes. he said 'i have a whole bunch stored up for you. dont you worry.' and i was like aww yay! he told me he was looking forward to hugs and cuddles, and anything else i had planned. i asked him if he wanted to do anything special for his bday, and he said 'im not too picky. i want you to be happy though. we dont even have to celebrate. we can just celebrate us seeing each other.' awwwww. so now im kinda happy, although im stressed about finding time to see him. im really torn. he said he would be back monday or tuesday.. thats well and good, i hope its monday, cos ill be on li already, and i can just get up early and make him take me to the train station in time for me to get back to nyc for therapy. if he gets back tuesday and leaves wed or thurs, it might be hard cos i said i would come to li to see him, so i would have to give up a shift at work. which im sort of reluctant to do right now. but i want to see him sooooo bad, so i imagine i will be careless and give away a shift in order to see him. hugs and cuddles YAY!

still havent heard from the school, so my life is still in limbo.

yo, i just saw on the news that they are thinking about reinstating the draft for men and women, and up till the age of 26. i would be WAY pissed. i will not not not serve this country in its imperialist wars. no way, no way, no way. if women dont have equal rights, then why on earth should they be equally drafted? the ERA was never passed, so i dont think its just. plus i hate the army. this country does so little for me, capitalism sucks, and i will not participate in neo-colonialism. grrrrr. GRRRR!!

well im gonna pee and then bed myself. its like 339am or something, and if i wanna wash clothes, i have to get up by like 12. which is so not going to happen. but if i go to bed now, it is a little possible. in theory i could get up at 1 and finish on time. cos i have to leave here at 330. and i dont have to shower tomorrow. soooo yah. ok well we shall see. sweet dreams my anonymous people.

ok, so at first, i was a little upset that the olympics were on, bc conan wasnt. it annoyed me. but now im sooo drawn in to womens gymnastics alternating with womens swimming. im watching the russian womens team on the balance beam.. and i know this is gonna sound bizarre, and immature, but the russian women really need to do something about their pubes. they have big poofs in their leotards. i mean, ive just noticed this. perhaps its normal, and i will pay better attention during the next team's go at the beam. eh ok its all of them. im glad im not a gymnast. i would be way self conscious about my leotard.

moving along.... so yah. i really dont have anything to say. i was thinking about smoking some more, since im clearly very involved in this olympics thing and, despite the fact that my eyes burn and im exhausted, i do not see sleep in my future. this is maybe the one thing i hate about myself, the way i get totally drawn into things, and i mean.. i sit here and i identify that im tired and dont even have a remote interest in these events, but i cannot do anything about it. im not even looking at the screen when i type this. im totally enmeshed in this insane balance beam... ooooh an incredible dismount.... she did a little bad on her supposedly incredible dismount. 9.62. oh.my.god. this is fucking intense.

i was kinda sad tonight. i hate going to work these days, its unfun. you already know that. so i sent the enigma a text (bc i eventually heard from him about the book) asking him to please say something that would make me happy.. so he was like 'whats wrong? a beautiful gifted girl like yrself should never be upset.' eh. it made me smile, but it was a weak smile.

ooooooh MENS swimming!! ooh. some of these olympians are hotttttt!! this phelps american dude, wow. thats a hottttt body. wow. you know who has a hot body? derek. im thinking it would be ok to hook up with him again before im gone. i might make an attempt at drinks after work one night.

anyway. i think perhaps i will research MA programs for the boy, even though i dont know why im extending myself to him, when no matter what he will never want to be with me or trust me or whatever. oh, i should just kill myself.

*i don't really care if im healthy or not just clean my head up doc ill give you anything you want*
alkaline trio

my eyes are totally bothering me right now. and so is my belly. i am unhappy about both.

i have been posting so infrequently lately. its weird. i mean to post, i do, but i just dont. i cant remember what i said last. i cant remember when i posted last.. oooh it was saturday night and i was drunk. and it posted three times. looks like i will have to fix that when i finish this.

so saturday was ok. work was awful, i had a huge debacle involving the manager in training and being sat too much and not being able to give good service bc of the retardedness that is my workplace. there were tears involved, i was so overworked. i came home and i wanted to nap, so i did, and i overslept, but then i got up and showered and all that jazz. went up to the parlour where i met myspace mike, who looks exactly like his photos, i spotted him immediately. we have been talking since like february or march, i guess, and it was about time that we met face to face. it was fun, we had some beers and talked and i met a bunch of his friends, since i had gone to a party with him.. after a while the party was beat, so we got in a cab and went down to doc holidays in the village. had another beer, we were both pretty drunk. and i was tired, so after a little while i decided to go home, so he hailed me a cab. i came home, all drunk, texting with the enigma about wanting him here and all that.. talked to twon. i think i made no sense. but i had a good time, and i wish we had gotten some drinks earlier bc i would have liked to hang out more. its not like im moving far, but still. i am moving far enough. i finally went to bed after i talked to mike for a little while..

sunday was good too.. it was twons bday, so i met up with him in union square at 6ish. i slept all day which made me really happy.. so yah, we met up at 6, and he got tickets to see garden state. he already saw it, and he wanted me to see it, and he thought i wouldnt see it if it wasnt with him, so we went. and it was realllllly good. i totally cried a lot. and i got jealous, as usual, i wished it was me in the movie, i wished someone would love me like that. but of course no. i am not deserving of such affections. after the movie we walked over to gramercy cafe and had some cake for his bday. then i went home bc he had to get on the subway before the train got retarded and wouldnt drop him off by his apartment. it was a good day, and you should totally see garden state if you havent.

so i got home and mike came over. we played scrabble, and i kicked his ass, as if that were anything new hahaha. i think it was like 172 to 289 or something. we talked and listened to music, and then we went to bed. my original plan was to go to li yesterday, but i didnt bc i still havent been offered a job at northport.. so i dont feel like i should get my new place yet. i have like $1200 in my regular account, i have paid all my bills for the month, and i have my $600 security coming.. so at this point, i am not going to put a deposit on a new place till monday. if i can make the same amount of money next week as i made this week, i will be set. i was able to deposit $450 last week, despite my frivolous spending.. so if i just doont spend this week, i can have like 1700 or something, plus the security, which is what, 2300... plus my 700 in the vacation account.. im feeling slightly secure right now. my mom is going to pay one month security for me, and just get it back when i move out, and i can probably borrow some money from my dad. anyway. so instead of going to li, i called northport and i talked to the guy and he said that everything is really good, but the writing sample is done through HR and thats the last step. i figure i have to hear from them this week, bc he said i would have to meet with the director of HR, and then she has to sumbit me to the board of ed to be approved to start teaching in the fall, and the BOE meeting is on aug 23.. soooo i figure that i will hear tomorrow or thursday, and have to then go into the HR dept to talk to the lady on thurs or fri, depending.. mike said he would come get me whatever night and drive me to my moms after work, that way i could go in to the school the next morning and then my mom said i could take the truck to brooklyn.. so i would drive myself back and go to work. then i have to go back to li on either sunday or monday so i can get the apartment, and i can put a bunch of boxes in the truck and move them in advance to sort of lighten to the load of moving on the 28th a little.. pack up books and other misc stuff i dont really need. last night i packed up the extraneous non hanger clothing i have.. i still need a suitcase for the stuff in my dresser. i was thinking i could maybe even just take out the drawers and not even unpack them.. just move them full. anyway. so we took a walk to wiliamsburg and i got a smoothie that was sooooooo gooooood. then we walked back and went to this little diner on manhattan ave.. i had some quiche it was pretty good. he had grilled cheese. we went to blockbuster and rented 1984, came here, i packed a little, and he read. we watched the movie, and i was kinda impressed, it followed the book pretty closely. he got drunk. we went to bed, but he didnt want to sleep so we talked for a few hours, told secrets and had some intense discussions.. and then we were tired so we slept.

i had therapy today, it was ok. i am really sad, i miss my therapist already. i told her that next week will probably be my last session and she was like noooooo. so i told her to start working saturdays and i would still come. and i also said i would come in during school breaks for a session.. but how on earth can we keep up then? its going to be so hard. im going to be lost without her. shes the only constant ive had in my life for the past years. i brought her fight club today, and i will probably just let her keep it. i was like 'ive written in it, i apologize.. you'll understand why i underlined what i did, though, i mean.. yr my therapist' and we laughed.

so mike just left like 30 minutes ago. i have to work at 430, so im leaving in like 20 minutes. i texted the enigma earlier to see if he has finished the perks of being a wallflower, but he never got back to me. whatever. kim berly is supposed to visit me at work tonight.. bah.

i finished fear and loathing in las vegas a couple days ago. the movie follows the book pretty well, too, actually. today i started reading crime and punishment. its not as tedious as i was expecting, but its a slow read. the type is like 8 point, so i am only up to like page 14, and there are 560+ pages in the book.. a lot of pointless dialogue so far. maybe its not pointless, but it is a wee bit on the tedious side. but i am not repulsed by it, so we shall see how far into i get before i give up. perhaps i wont give up.

alright. i have to call cynthia to see if she can stop by my job today or tomorrow, and then i have to get out of here. perhaps i will eat when i get to work. my stomach keeps growling, but i feel really uneasy, so i dont want to eat. im afraid it will go right through me. im feeling quite anxious right now. i think maybe i had too much coffee on an empty stomach. i was thinking about smoking to calm my nerves, but im really low and also there are going to be corporate people there today, so i should go sober.

ok. im gonna play benny for a minute and then get going. xoxo.

im so drunk right now. i went out to this bar i dont know i think it was the parlour with myspace mike and it was goooood times. i dont drink like ever and i am trashed and home alone, but texting with the love of my life and talking to twon and some weirdo from myspace online. wheeee.

i love the enigma. in case you forgot.

wow. this is hard. im going now.

*where do i fit in.. in this jigsaw of a relationship.. why should i play the fallguy to yr love? i keep getting snubbed, what dumb luck, what dumb luck..*
cursive

im totally feeling cursive right now. if i wasnt so tired, i would listen to all their records in order. thats really what i feel like doing. it would be super. i will settle for just the ugly organ right now though. since, like i said, i am tired.

i made 200 tonight. actually i made 213, but i tipped the busboys 5 extra, and i bought a frappachino, which cost 5. and i had 3 one dollar bills. soo. YAY. i netted 177 after the diner and cigarettes and the taxi ride home. oooh the pinnochio song is on. i love this song. i relate to it in a weird way. anyway. work was easy. the tips werent spectacular, but i was really cheerful, so i didnt get discouraged. i was verrrry busy from 4-530, and i had already probably made like 50 by the time rodrigo came on and took over section 3 from me. wooooooo. it felt good to make money again. so far this week i have made 470, and i have two shifts left. im banking on 150 tomorrow although its supposed to rain i think.. and ill be happy with 50 on tuesday. that is that.

oh no the whispers song is on. i dont mind it when im on the subway reading or whatnot, but at home at 442am, it freaks me out a little. i passed it. this album is kinda eerie. im positive that was what they were going for. its weird, it sounds soo much different than domestica.

no enigma interaction today. i thought about texting him, but all day i had nothing to say, and i was pretty occupied at work most of the time.

its starting to settle in with all the old chevy's people that im leaving. jim, who is this older waiter, hes maybe like 40ish maybe 50, im bad at telling peoples age... anyway he loves to make me cry, but it doesnt work anymore so ha. but he came over to me tonight and he was like "i changed my mind, you have to stay!" and errol was like "i guess this is goodbye." i was like no... ill see you next week, and the week after.. people are being a little dramatic. i want a fucking cake. monty says i can have a cake, and ice cream cake, and a card.. i suppose people will want to go out post-shift, but we will see. not many people from that place really matter to me enough to demand an outing. perhaps i will plan to visit smith's with a select crowd.. say, derek, jesse, bart, baxter, lee.. gabe, teri, david.. ill invite rebecca.. and anyone else who i care about who happens to be working on august 27th. perhaps i will have heard from janet by then and i can invite her.. oh, and melissa. im sure i am forgetting people, but i would really like to get a last hurrah in nyc before i head out in the moving van.

....wow. two weeks.. im moving two weeks from tomorrow. oh my god. oh my god.. im freaking out a little. i want to go wake up candace and hug her. thats going to be the hardest. i am going to cry so hard. not right now, but in 14 days.. it hasnt really set in yet, but now its starting to.. wow. im not going to see these people anymore. im not going to see monty or anselmo or any of my mexican kitchen friends.. or gil, or walter, or erick.. all of these people are going to fade into my past.. these people ive seen constantly for the past three years. ill get over it. i never see shasta or justin anymore, which is kind of a shame. ill visit.. im not going to totally divorce myself from chevys.. im sure ill still talk to jesse on AIM, and lee says hes going to force me to talk on the phone with him. ill probably talk to twon still, maybe less frequently since i wont be up all night, but we'll still be friends. and of course candace and i will still be close. im going to call her like 2x a week.. she says li is going to be her second home.. so we shall see.. ill probably come in to hang out with bart or derek sometimes.. when i saw derek before he went to chicago, he told me again that i can call him if i ever need to talk about anything at all whatsoever.. he got back from chicago yesterday. he came into work, and he kissed me on the cheek. i gave him a big hug, then i was going to talk to him about the job thing but he left without talking to me. boo. i suppose i will see him next week, he wasnt on this schedule..

argh. this is going to be hard. leaving is going to be intense, and i forsee tearfulness on my last day at chevys, despite how happy i am to be getting out of there. i just have to remember that i need this.. and that i dont want to be in his crazy target of a city anymore.. and that i want to be settled in a life and a job.. and the KITTY!!! the cat is the real goal. (whenever i type the word goal, i always think i accidently typed gaol. but i never did. zany!) and, i mean, when im on li, i will have emily to shop with whenever i feel like it, i can hang out with her and my brother, drop by to see my mom, or my dad.. visit with am and the baby whenever i want, esp bc i will be living like 35 seconds from her, literally.. kim will be just a half hour away, which is like nothing in the car.. katie will be just around the block..

ok i cant think about this anymore its 5 now and i have to get up for work at like 1045. grr. goodnight.

i suppose i owe an entry here. nothing has been happening, my life has been wierd and annoying and confusing. as if that were anything new. but... work has been very sucky and difficult, people have been horrible, both guests and employees. its just not the same anymore. no good people are ever there. its lonely and frustrating, and fucking new people dont do sidework. i was there 2 hours after we closed tonight cleaning bc motherfuckers left with no signatures.

anyway. i cant believe governor mcgreevey has resigned due to his gayness. additionally, i cannot believe this qualifies as breaking news.

things with the enigma have been more confusing than ever before. i started chatting with him on AIM the other day after i posted.. we talked about nothing in particular, in fact i really cant remember what we talked about at first. but then we talked about getting him back to school, we determined where he wants to go (somewhere on li, optimally the cheapest one), and what he wants to study. so i will look into it for him soon. he's going to be busy on tour with tbp till sept 20ish, then with tih from oct 2 till late november, so i have plenty of time. i think i need to take care of my business before i take care of his, so once i find out when im moving and where im moving and if i get this job i will settle myself a bit and do some boy research. then we started talking about me moving home, and i said i didnt want to move, that i want to make it a stopping point bc i need to start over somewhere else.. which turned into him asking what im trying to leave behind, and i said issues and crap ive been through.. he said i should just think differently.. this followed:

me: bc its like issues, you know. i cant automatically start trusting people, and thinking that they arent just going to hurt me in the end anyway
him: yeah. I have problems getting close to girls
me: why do you have problems getting close to girls?
him: cause I can't trust them... I always get hurt when I convince myself to trust that they won't hurt me
me: well i mean maybe its just that you havent been with the right girls.
him: probably right
me: for me, its like anytime anyone is ever interested in me, i feel like they are insincere, and that its just a game to get me to go to bed with them. i want someone to prove me wrong, i think thats what it would take for me to move past it, someone would have to prove to me that i could trust them.
him: I'm in similar shoes I guess. I need someone to just love me for who i am and actually be there for me... not be selfish.. just to prove every bad thought that I have wrong
me: well...i mean.. there is pretty much someone in yr life who kinda fits that description
him: yeah?
me: yah..
him: i have a prob. trusting that though
me: i dont understand how. because i mean.. for 7 years i have been here, and ive cared about you for who you are, ive never asked you to be anything you couldnt be and i feel like i have always been supportive even if it hurts me in the end.. i dont know what else you would need...
him: i know.
me: i mean im not trying to make a lobby for myself or anything im just saying.. i think it should be blatently apparent that i like you for you and i always have..
him: yeah.. I'm just afraid I guess
me: of what
him: just relationships
me: well i mean its not my style to push anything, im very whatever will be will be, and like i said im sure that my life will work out the way its supposed to in the end, but i think you should know that i really do like you for you, and being with you makes me happy. and really, i want you to be happy.
him: I think I know that.
me: heh, like i said last month, all i want is for you to look forward to hanging out with me when you are coming home :)
him: and I will.. I'm sure
me: see that makes me happy.
him: I'm sleepy so I'm gonna go to bed.
me: alright.
him: I'll talk to you tomorrow.. everything ok?
me: yah everything is good.
him: good. you rule.. and I like you a lot.. you should know that
me: i think i do.
him: good.. goodnight pretty

yah. so make sense of that, please. kim said she thinks its like.. he obviously cares about me and has feelings and stuff, but that hes not likely to act on it now or soon. which i said is fine bc i dont wanna be jumping into the exgirls shoes.. but i dunno. its way ambiguous. its almost like hes saying yah i know you fit the description but its not enough. sometimes i think that i could love him with every ounce of my being and i still wouldnt be enough for him. maybe he will never be content. maybe its not important. i am sticking to my conviction that its going to have to be all or nothing within a reasonable period of time after he comes back from tour and i am living on li.. i cant do this forever, i cant be held back. if i have to say goodbye, i have to say goodbye. it will hurt, but ive done it before. i have to be ready first, i dont want to make a threat i wont be good on.. but i think if i said goodbye he wouldnt be able to walk away. i tried.. in june. remember, 8 days? yah.. so i dont know.

he didnt text me 'tomorrow' (yesterday) but i texted him at like 1030 bc i as having a bad night at work and i wanted to hear from him. soo we exchanged a few texts and then he stopped. then today when i was walking home from therapy i got a vibrate, and he had texted me that he though he lost the book i lent him (the perks of being a wallflower) and he was upset cos he was really into it. so i said i would mail him my other copy if he had an address where he would be staying next week, but then he found it when he looked through the van while they were getting gas. and he stopped texting me. so whatever, i didnt text him again, but then i did at like 2 when i got home bc i had a bad night and i wanted a hug.. he said 'aww id love to help you out. what happened?' so i told him and then he told me about his night, and he said he was tired so i said i wouldnt keep him and i hoped he had sweet dreams, and he said 'goodnight gorgeous.' aww. so im kinda still confused bc we had this weird convo sunday night, and hes still being semi-sweet, which is uncharacteristic of him. he usually kinda draws away after one of our discussions about the lack of an 'us'. arggggh. i dont care.

im goin to bed. im tired.

*my heart is yrs to fill or burst, to break or bury, or wear as jewelry, whichever you prefer*
dashboard

so i had my lyrics picked out. i was gonna go with "harden my heart" bc i was feeling particularly free on sunday, i was feeling like letting go a little in the car on the way to the beach, and then bam! everything changes. oh, suspense! you shall read and find out...

so what was the last thing i posted? perhaps i should peruse the blog.. im not sure where i left off.. ... ah, ok. friday. soooo saturday was intense i think i was tired and it wasnt busy. i made $41. greaaaat. came home, talked to candace, and made arrangements for us to head out to sea cliff later. we took the 938 train, met up with mike and went to olive garden. mmm salad and bread sticks.. i had three of these frozen peach wonderful things, they were belinis i think, but they were the anti-intoxicating, as i did not even feel a slight buzz off of my three. we went to mikes, smoked, watched tv. played crazy eights. bed.

sunday.. went to the beach with mike and candace. it was overcast and cold for a little while, and i got a little more golden and freshly tan looking, which is nice. i hadnt been to the beach in a few weeks, since i had family stuff, and it rained one sunday. plus the interviews and all that jazz. i cannot believe the summer is almost over i mean, i wished for it to end, but it feels like its drawing to a close.. i know its only august 10, but. it just feels final. so anyway. i forgot my discman (boo). candace and i had a coloring contest, which she proclaimed a tie, but definitely she won. we came back to brooklyn later, and we drove into one of the most beautiful sunsets i have ever seen in my entire life. the three of us walked to bedford pizza. ate, walked home. we took a bunch of pictures all day, at the beach, of the sunset, of graffiti i like and will miss.. came home, and watched the mothman prophecies, which was like the anti-scary and i am glad i did not see it with a boy i would wanna cuddle with. it was nothing like the book, so you know. after the movie i was IMing with the enigma boy, and he told me that he and the girl broke up, and that he thinks its for good, and that its for the best. he admitted he hadnt been happy in two years, and we talked about it a little. i did not ask what this meant for us. i figure i will wait a little while, and let him get over her all the way. i dont want to have drama again, i dont want to feel rejected (although im sure i will if we dont end up together anyway)..we talked about how we're gonna hang out all the time when i move to li.. i felt good. i def do not have my hopes up, which is muy bueno, but i can feel them getting there..

soooo monday. ok. i wake up, watch tv with mike, talk to kim for a while.. mike and i take a nap, then we head out to li, where he drops me off at mineola and i get on the 854 ronkonkoma train. so im sitting there and i text the boy: "i wish you were still on li. im home for the night, and i could use good cuddles." he responded like an hour later that he was coming home right then, so i was like "come cuddle!" and he said he would stop by in like 6 hours (it was 1030)... so i went upstairs and finished the mothman prophecies the book, and i watched some tv, but i got bored, and at 245 i decided to set my phone alarm for 415, so i could wake up then and text him to see where he was.. so im sleeping and my phone vibrates, and its him. its 411, and he is on his way! i was soo excited i jumped out of bed, and i went and watched for him at the window. considering the time, he made it over in like 10 minutes. he was really tired so i said we could nap. we came in, and he brushed his teeth, then we crawled into my twin size bed, which is always fun. here i have a fullsize, so you dont *have to* cuddle.. but in the twin, we have no choice hehe. and i felt really comfortable, the laura thing wasnt over my head and i felt like it wasnt at all awkward. we laid there and i cuddled with him and rubbed his belly while he watched mtv with his arms around me. we talked about the videos (taking back sunday came on and we talked about that), then we talked about how i have to be an adult if i get this job.. i said i wouldnt, that i would infiltrate grown up society as a kid, still and he was happy. we talked about him going back to school, and i was really encouraging him. he has been saying this to me for TWO years, he wants to get his MA and be a teacher. he wants to teach film/tv. so i found out that his undergrad degree is in communications/broadcasting, and i told him he would probably have to a MA in teaching with specialization in broadcasting. or maybe even english. i told him he could do it in 2 years, and he sounded discouraged and said "yah, full time" but i told him i went half time and did in two.. he would have to take three classes per week, or two and summer classes.. and he could do it in three years only taking two with no summer school.. so i told him he should look into it. he kinda sounded discouraged again, so i decided to take charge here after two years and i said "do you want ME to investigate?" and he was like "would you?" and i said i would, since i know he has lots of computers in the van and we laughed.. then i dont know what happened, i think i decided to full body cuddle him and i was laying across him, and we were cuddling all nice and talking and then we were kissing... it was way yay, and again felt really good without the laura thing over my head.. we watched some more tv, and he was concerned that my mom would be mad he was staying over.. so i told him she cant say anything since my brothers girlfriend lives in the house with my brother, and im 24 years old. then he fell asleep. he cuddled me all night, i was so cozy i fell right asleep after a few minutes of trying to get comfortable around his sleeping self.. cos he passed out the second his head hit the pillow. i turned the tv off at like 630, thats the last i remember. woke up at 915. got up, went to the bathroom to get dressed. i covered him up and closed my door. i talked to my mom, and as i was printing something out to bring to the school with me, she went in my room! i was like "MOM!!" because i mean, there was a naked boy who she doesnt approve of in my bed.. i was trying to be stealth, then i told her he was in there, and she was like "WHAT?!" and i repeated myself. she asked what he was doing in my room, and i replied "sleeping." there it ended. i went back in and he had put his boxers on but went back to sleep. i cuddled with him all dressed up, and he asked if i got in trouble. i said no, and apologized that she had come in. he fell back asleep and i got up again, put on some make up, came in and was giving him little kisses and he was smiling and hugging me, and it was yay. so my mom left, and he got up and we left. i was in a hurry so i quick kissed him and hugged him and he said "ill see you" which is his classic sign off. i kissed him again and he was like "let me know how it goes" and i smiled and we both drove off. and i sat there in my car, thinking how awesome it would be if i woke up like this every single morning..... la la land.. got to my interview, talked to the principal, she was really nice and she said that there are 4 positions and there were 4 interviews, so im in, but they will offer me a position this week or early next week. i reallllly dont want the part-time one, its only 2 classes, and the pay cannot be more than 10 or 15 thousand. which means i would have to make an additional 15 to 20 thousand at another part-time job, that i would have to work nights and weekends at so i could be at school for 2 hours of the day. so im wayyy stressing. perhaps prematurely, bc it looks like everything is in order and i hope to get one of the leave replacement positions, cos at least that is full time. it may not be tenure track, but it will do.

after that i went to the other school to fill out a paper application, and to submit a writing sample. i bullshit my way through an essay. woo. it took me like half hour. then i called kim, and i met up with her for some lunch in huntington village. we had diner. it was ok, not good, but ok. then we got ices, and then we went to this huge drug store and acted like children. she said i looked like a hooker in my interview suit. the lady working at the drug store told me i was beautiful, and i blushed and thanked her. then i said "HA!" to kim, bc obviously i *didnt* look like a hooker. she kept laughing and saying i was reminding her of vegas. i then headed home so i could not hit too much traffic. got home, talked to mom for a little. she again asked me why the boy was here.. i told her we fell asleep watching tv, and it was great, we talked about a lot of things and i was happy, so she said ok, but with that skeptical mom tone. i went to lay down, and i fell asleep for a while. i got up for a minute, put my laundry in, and went back to sleep. my mom put it in the dryer for me (shes the best). i woke up at 810, and i packed up my stuff. i apologized for not being fun today and went on my way. took the 845 train to jamaica.

i texted the enigma on the train, i asked "how do you feel about haunted places?" and he replied right away: "good. talk to me. im listening." so i sent a few texts with some stuff about them, and he was like "im down." so im kinda psyched. i just texted him that i wished i was on li so we could hang out again tonight, and he said he wished i was there also and that made me really happy. see, hopes rising. fairly dangerous. i think i will belay them a bit by trying to not overtext with him too much. i think perhaps i will either wait to hear from him or wait till i have something to say, like about my job or moving or something. he looked so hot last night, and he was so cozy and i had so much fun and the conversation was so good, and we just clicked and connected and i want him to come home and want to be with me so bad.. but i know that is like to wish impossible things.. i wanna see what happens though. hope is my strongest suit.

soo. that is that. now you can see how my hopes might be getting into the danger zone. perhaps i should just kill myself.

*sigh*

*i hope this is goodbye*
alkaline trio

hello, blog.

im soo sleeeepy. i think i will go to bed shortly.

i didnt think about the enigma as much as usual today. i did not have the urge to text message him. kind of i did, but i never had anything to say. so i didnt. you know.

i talked to mike before. he wants me to come out to sea cliff tomorrow. i dont really want to take the train. i have to see what candace has planned. i guess if she has plans she can meet us in mineola sunday morning. beach sunday, yay!

im pretty tired. oops, i already said that. my back hurts from slouching in front of my computer. i only did two of the available five crossword puzzles. i wanted to do another, but eh. im tired, remember?

oh so i heard from northport again, and they said i had to call this woman to schedule an appointment with the principal on tuesday. i called ALLLLLLL afternoon, but i got no answer, and they have no machine. grr. so now i have to wait till MONDAY to know what the hell is going on in my life. i got email from jan before, and she said that he called her, and that she said realllly good things about me, and that he had said i interviewed really well, and that he was trying to decide what courses he had for me. soooo. hopefully this is a good thing. jans words were: "I praised you to the skies. I think you're likely to get the job -- and it sounds like an excellent job, too. ... He said you interviewed really well, but he doesn't know yet what courses he might ask you to teach." probably because its pretty apparent that i ain't got the skillz to teach global studies.

eeeeeep. there are miscellaneous noises outside. before there was screeching tires. a second ago it sounded like someone threw a bottle cap. crazy friday night.

so i finally finished journal of the dead today. it took me like eight years. ok, im lying, it took me a week, but thats a long time for me. but i was a busy bee, so i guess its forgivable. i started the mothman prophecies tonight on my way home. i think it will take me a while again, since i still have a lot on my plate. im going to read for a few minutes before i go to bed, though, and maybe ill get really into it. i soooo shoudnt be reading a scary book before bed, but eh. fuck it.

i have to work at 12 tomorrow. tonight was ok. i had a few parties of 10, which helped me make that money. i ended up walking with $126. i spent $6 at starbucks before my shift (ugh, sooo expensive, but i realllllllly wanted a fucking frappachino!), and i spent $4 at the bodega tonight. so i netted $116, not bad. i have $340 from the week now. and one shift to go.. im upstairs tomorrow in 5, so i dont expect a very large profit. i think that the money i make will be my weeks spending money. im trying to curb my expenses, and right now i know a few things: i will be off monday, tuesday, and thursday. i will need at least $15 to allocate to travel, esp if i go to sea cliff tomorrow. that will be $5 to sea cliff, then $5 to ronkonkoma, then $5 back to mineola, since i never take the train all the way anymore. i figure there will be at least one purhcased meal in that time frame, as well, but i might just use a credit card. tuesday night saint az are playing, and its free, but its at a bar, and i might have a drink or two. im only making my minimum payments on my cards this month, but thats still like $300, and i only have $927 saved. so im kinda worried about moving. i figure ill have to borrow from the parents. i hate borrowing. at this point, it looks like i will have to, bc i need to put my deposit on a place asap. i wonder if i can, like, pay my security, which would be $2300 probably, and then pay the rent on september 1. i would still need to borrow for the $2300. i have about $1200 right now, $1900 if i count my vacation fund, which its looking more and more like i will. im going to try to work extra next week, we shall see if that actually happens, but if i can pull in like $700 next week, i will be set. though i would think i would want to put down a deposit before next week? i might ask my mom to do it. but i would have to fill out the paperwork.... a credit check will be a debacle, what with my identity fraud. i wish my mom could put her name and her credit on the lease. that would be rad, but it would also be really silly. i think in the worst case, they would want me to have a guarentor. and im sure my mom would do that.

oh. im tired, right? bed!

*every now and then i get a little bit terrified, but then i see the look in yr eyes*
bonnie tyler

oh my fucking lord. i am so tired. so so so so so tired. the breakdown is that we left here on time, got to mike's in good time, like 35 or 40 mins.. it was a fun ride, we sang the hits of 1981 and 1983, including "maniac" and "true" and "do you really want to hurt me?" all of which were good times. we got to his house, and then we had MAJOR computer trouble. first the computer hooked to the printer wasnt working. then he loaded the printer on his lap top, but we discovered that he only has wordpad on there, and its IMPOSSIBLE to do anything on that program. so i started to panic and i was going to cry. but then he went into his sisters room cos she was in the shower, and we printed everything in there real quick. phew. he made a pb&j, then we were back on the road. the tired REALLY hit me there. i started feeling like a zombie. i said "what if i wastefully expended my last wind on 'maniac'?" and we laughed. we made really good time getting to the school also, which was yay. we got there like 30 mins early, and so he quizzed me on my lesson plan. then at 815 i went in. ......

those kids, man, they were bastards. they would not pay attention. they would not stop talking. they would not focus on the group work assignment. they said stupid things. on purpose. when i was circulating during their group work, one kid asked me: "why are these 4 people watching you, are you trying to get a raise?" and i was like "ha" and i walked away. i kept myself in good spirits, i joked with them a little, there were 6 kids in the "3" group, and i was like "yah.... there's only supposed to be 4 3's. so i *know* two of you are 2's." i dunno, i just talk to them like i would my friends, and it usually works, and i feel like it did today, but at the same time they were sooooo awful. i finished the lesson right at 855, and i talked to the chair guy again on the way out. he told me they had more demo lessons to see today, but that i would hear from them soon, and he wished me luck. and told me to get some sleep. i thanked him, and went out to the car. michael was asleep in the back seat. i got in and i was like "lets go." he was sort of out of it, but woke up and climbed over the seat into the driverseat. and i was like "can we please just go?" and then he was like "are you ok?" and i totally lost it, i started crying, i was like "they were fucking little bastards, i worked so hard on this stupid fucking lesson plan, i havent slept in 24 hours, all i want is a stupid fucking job, and they RUINED it!" and i was sobbing.. he reached over and unclicked my seatbelt and pulled me over and hugged me and rubbed the back of my neck and said a whole bunch of reassuring things. it was really sweet. sometimes i think its weird that we arent more than friends. i mean, we spend like *all* of our free time together, he sleeps over all the time, we take turns paying for meals a lot of the time, we share stuff, he goes into my liquor supply without asking. you know.. i always say its like having a boyfriend but not getting any. sometimes i wonder if the only reason i havent added a physical aspect to our already boyfriend/girlfriend relationship is because of the enigma boy. because i reallllly care about mike, hes one of my best friends, and if our relationship went anywhere, i wouldnt want to risk destroying our friendship by fucking things up. and i *know* the my attraction to the enigma is still sooo strong that if i hung out with him, there is a good chance that something would happen, even though i was in a relationship. but maybe things with mike are plain platonic. i really cant imagine myself being intimate with him. the idea sort of freaks me out, in fact. but lately we've been spatially closer. like the other day when he was at my moms with me watching tv, he was laying down on the bottom half of my bed with the cat, so when i came in from the bathroom, i just sat up on the pillows, and put my legs out, like with bent knees. after a while my knees were a little painful, so i laid my legs out in front of me and my foot was kinda on his belly, and he was stroking my calf for a while. then today when we were in bed after i got a call from the school (i have gone off on a tangent, will explain why they called momentarily) i was telling him what they said while laying in his arms with my head on his chest. and it was comfortable, but i didnt want to prolong the experience bc i dont wanna complicate things. but anyway. i dont know. hes just this weird aspect of my life.. but then, i do this all the time.. i mean, tom and i were like this freshman year, we were practically inseperable, we spent all of our time together and went into each others things without asking.. and this is how i was with my friend chris the summer after freshman year.. so i dont know. maybe its just one of those things where you have a super connection to someone but it isnt romantic.

ok so anyhow, i called my mom and vented, then my dad, and then i felt better. i realized that they would probably look at my lesson plan and see it was very good and organized and smart, and realize that these are bastard summer school 15 year olds. so i decided that at that point, i was pulling for one of the part-time positions, since after my lack of control and being flustered a few times, i didnt think i would be getting a full-time position there yet. sooooo. we got back here at like 1030, and immediately crashed. seriously, we went straight to my bed. i hugged michael and told him that he was the best for all he did for me these past few days. and then i was asleep.

i woke up at like 245 bc my phone was ringing.. and it was northport. so i tried to pull myself together and i answered the phone. it was the chair guy, and he said that he needed some more references bc they were calling them, and they were running into problems with reaching some peoples references since its summer blah blah blah, so i told him i would try to expand my list, and that i would get in touch with my current references to get better ways to reach them, although he hadnt called any of my references yet, anyway. had that conversation with mike, then i got up and emailed nancy, barbara, and jan, the woman who was my thesis director. all of them volunteered their home numbers and said they were excited for me, and that they would give me really positive reference! YAY! i knew they would. im on a first name basis with all of them, for the love of yr momma. all of my references, including bill, who i did not email bc he is married to nancy, are people who i worked closely with and know me personally. i know that bill, nancy, and jan will give me stellar recs, but im kinda worried about barbara. i mean, i know she will have good intentions, but shes very honest, and im afraid she'll mention my serious lack of confidence. but anyway.. i heard back from both jan and barbara before i even went to work, and then i heard from nancy when i got home. i compiled all the info and emailed it to candace so she can fax the info to the school for me in the morning.

ok, so yah, when he called, the chair told me that i was being considered for one of the part-time positions. which kinda bummed me out.. at first i was saying it would be ok, but then mike mentioned benefits, and i realized that part-time means no health care. fuck! the reason i want a real job is so that i can have health care and sick days and PAID VACATION!!!! all that good stuff that comes along with having a real job! i have been thinking about it all night, and i think its good experience, and of course they probably have stronger candidates who either have more experience or more confidence than i, and its probably best for me to start part-time, get my feet wet, and then either move to a full-time position in northport or try to get into another district, like sachem or something, so i can work closer to where i live. im hoping that the part-time salary is decent. my mom looked up the average starting salary in the school district and i think it was like $50,000.. which would make my part time salary probably half of that.. which i could do. if i was making $25,000 a year, i could supplement my income. i could wait tables on weekends or something.. or try to adjunct at briarcliff or somewhere. my mom is an adjunct there, and could possibly help me in.

work was ok. it was busy, i made $170. oh, i waited on some rap star. beanie seagal or something.. it was funny bc they were taking up like soo much space, there were 7 or 8 people sitting at a 5 person booth and it was annoying me. they were way gangsta, and i was like "greaaaat. i get to wait on gang members." i even said that aloud to lee in the side station. they were causing a ruckus, and beanie's crew was way obnoxious. this guy, his name was pedro zayas, i know bc he paid with his credit card, he kept calling me "ma" and he told me they needed some "sips." one of the girls they were with said "you should do that in the next video!" and i was thinking to myself they were probably like aspiring rappers or something.. then my manager, karen, told me that he was a performer, and i asked who, and she said it was beanie seagal. ok, so my rockafella records table decides to pay this other girl at the table beside them $200 (!!!!) to eat a jalapeno. that wasnt spicy enough so i got them habeneros. it was a scene. everyone was yelling, they were being loud and probably annoying all the other guests, but eh. i suppose celebritys can do however they please. they had to have known that i had NO IDEA who they were, especially bc i carded them for drinks. i think they thought that was funny, that i didnt know who they were.

after work lee and i went to the diner.

i tried to spark a convo with the enigma, but it failed. i talked to him briefly before i went to work, he told me he finished invisible monsters, and we talked about it for a few texts. he told me he'll move in with me on li, but he cant afford the rent. which was weird, cos i said that i was upset about the prospective job bc it was only part-time and i cant afford rent on that.. then i said that i need a roomie, and wished candace was moving with me. i did not say i wanted him to move in. even though i SOOOOOO do! oh and last night he told me that they heard back from a label yesterday, so we were both having good days. yay.

now im just fucking exhausted. i think i will skip the crossword and head straight to the comfort of my bed. it was really cold out tonight, and its windy in my room. i think i will not even need my fan. i dont hear candaces fan. she is home bc the living room light is on, and not the hall light, so perhaps we can save some electricity tonight.

its 441am. oh, bed, here i come....

i got called back!! they fuckin did not call me all day. ALL DAY. i got up, i went to therapy, and i spent my day disappointed that i didnt hear back from them at all. i briefly moped on the couch. went to work. i was outside talking to lee, telling him they didnt call me back, and all the sudden my phone rang! and it was them! and he said he had some good news! he invited me back to do a demo lesson tomorrow. at 825am!!!! fuck. sooo i was freaking out, and i got the directions, and i called mike, who was halfway home. he said he would come back. so i calmed down a little, called my mom, and set off to work. OH! and my fucking topic was TOKUGAWA JAPAN! i know *nothing* about tokugawa japan. well, now i do, but then i didnt. my mom was my personal assistant, she did all the research for me, and when candace came home, she took out some books for me.. mike came by and hung out with candace till i got home from work.. then they motivated me, candace and i read text books while mike colored. then i looked at some model lessons, and molded then together to come up with a good plan. it has a 6-step procedure, which isnt bad, and i have it pretty much down. its basically the shogun period in japanese history.. so all i have to do is compare the hierarchy to that of europe during the middle ages.. except the shogun would be the king.. and the emperor was more like how the queen of england is today. the daimyo are like knights, large landowners who rule for the shogun. samurai are gentleman warriors, comprable to european nobleman. then under that are peasants and artisans, which hold the same station worldwide. ok so thats step one. definitions. step two is talking about the 15th century in japan, how the nation was warring and i have a haiku i am going to put on the board and get students perceptions of what life was like during that period in japanese history. this way, i get student interaction in the lesson. mission one accomplished. step three: talk about the unification of japan under toyotomi hideyoshi by 1598, but then tokugawa ieyasu took over and began the tokugawa shogunate. im going to talk about edo (the ancient name for tokyo) for a second, then mention that ieyasu was the first shogun, and that later shoguns would move japan toward isolationism, banning things like foreign books, Christianity, travel abroad, and eventually even associating with europeans. killer. ok, then step 4 is a cooperative learning, thereby completeing mission number two. my cooperative learning exercise is counting them off by 4's and having them read the shoguns moral precept and discussing what kind of leader they would expect ieyasu to be. then we discuss. step five.. talk about the culture that blossomed in japan during the bourgeoisation of society.. middle-class arts like haikus and colorful paintings due to the rise of the merchant class, since they could provide credit for the daimyos and samurai who needed money to keep up their crazy lifestyles. the merchants gained power through debt, and therefore became the dominant class. same thing happens in england after primitive accumulation, you have a rising bourgeoisie who eventually rise up and cast off the shackles of feudalism/artistocracy. aaaaaaanyway. step six is the last one, which is to talk about the rigid class structure imposed upon japan during this period, and how the shoguns were able to centralize power. they did this by making all peasants surrender their swords to prevent popular uprisings, by requiring daimyos to spend every other year in Edo, thereby making them have to maintain two luxorious residences, which kept them in debt, and also requiring that the daimyos wife and heir stay in edo all the time, even for the year that the daimyo spends running his rural estate. in that waym, they are like loyalty hostages. if the daimyo began to get too powerful, then the shogun could harm his family. that all takes care of another mode of teaching, which is lecture. bam, thats three different methods in one lesson. thats exactly what they should be looking for tomorrow. im going to end by talking briefly about the decline of the shogunate, when in 1868 power was handed back to the emperor during the meiji restoration, and the samurai was striped of their class status.

i finished just after 4am. its now 447am. i still have to shower. and dress. and look presentable. i will have been up 22 hours when i give my lesson. i think i look like hell. my contacts are stuck to my eyeballs. i need to do something about this, but i cant. i couldnt nap for 45 minutes. that would have been silly. so i blogged instead. the demo lesson is over at 855am, so i dont know if there will be chatting that follows the lesson, or if i will be thanked and let to go on my way.. im hoping for the latter, since i have to work at 5, and i want to sleep eventually. ideally i would get back here at like 10 or 1030, and sleep till 330. get up, get ready for work. thats 5 hours of sleep. work in the bar.. friday i have work at 5, so i can sleep as late as i like. wooo! maybe ill go to bed before 5. hmm.

oooh. and what else sucks is that i do not have a printer. therefore, mike and i have to leave here at like 6 to go to his house and use the printer. i have to print 25 copies of the moral precept, i wanna do 5 copies of my formal lesson plan for any observers who might be present, and then i have to print my two cheat sheet plans, the ones with notes for me to use as a guide. if we leave here at 6, we'll be to his house by like 640, done printing by like 715.. id like to leave a little earlier bc what if we hit traffic? i am *sure* we will, and i *cannot* be late for this. cannot CANNOT. i dont know how long i will take, i dont know if we have very good directions. i want to be sure to get there by like 815 LATEST. anyway. i must shower in order to get this show on the road.

wish me luck!

*watch me break and watch me burn, no one is listenin, my friends.. i made my bed ill lay in it, i made my bed ill die in it, i made my bed ill lay in it, i made my bed i'll die in it.*
hole.

i decided to listen to hole today. i havent done that in months. i have not heard back frm northport school district. i am not a candidate of choice, apparently. im kinda bummed about that..

i had therapy. i told her about my dreams.. i told her about the nightmare from yesterday and i told her about that awful subway dream i had a while back.. that got us into talking about dying, bc i was saying how i dont have trouble sleeping or falling back asleep when i wake up, but i hate falling asleep bc i lay there worried im going to die for like 2 hours before i can sleep. i told her the pattern: i lay down, i feel really sleepy, but then all the sudden ill start thinking about how people die in their sleep.. im like "i could die of a stroke. i could be a vegetable. wait, i think everyone who is important to me knows i dont wanna stay on life support.. but wait again, bc if they took me off life support i would die.." and this line of thought continues for a while. then i start thinking about dying itself, and the afterlife and that crap. and i think "well, if there is reincarnation, then that sucks bc i dont think anymore.. my soul would come back, i guess, but the rest of me would be different, and this life i lived would still have been a waste" which leads to "i wonder if there is a God" which leads to "well, if there is, he better not take me tonight bc this has been too painful to have been for nothing" which makes me kinda pissed and worried at the same time. and its bothersome. she said we'll have to talk more about this, bc my session was up.

michael is still here. well, right now he is out, getting himself food. im starving, but i dont have any money and he only had $7, so i said i wasnt hungry. i gave him $1.60 in dimes and nickels, so i guess he has $8.60 and whatever change he had on him. plus i gave him $1.50 to get me a bottle of water while he was out. i have more change, so i suppose i could have given him a bunch more to get me something, too, but then i would have to accompany him on the walk, and i dont want to. i have work at 4, so i have to leave in 40 minutes anyway. which means i have to get ready now.. xoxo

im tired, so im going to bed. but it was weird today on the train, i felt like that the girl behind me might have been talking to the laura on the phone. she said his name, and the drama seemed similar. i wasnt like, listening to her conversation, so i dont know for sure, but i got this weird feeling about it. i texted him at like 3, bc i was bored and mike went to bed, but he didnt respond. then i started thinking that perhaps he is home for the night, since they are off. but i dont think so. they were in ohio last night, and they are supposed to play i think western ohio tomorrow night.. so.. i dont know. he was probably asleep, thats all. hes supposed to be home sunday.. i know i wont hear from him. i havent said i wanted to see him, either, bc i dont want to be disappointed. i dont think they are home again till mid september after this weekend, and i think its better for me that way. maybe when i move i will also move on with my life and i wont need to see him anymore by then.. two months will have passed. not that that has ever changed anything in the past. the thing that is changing things is my new location. but im not sure that will change anything, either. im kind of sure it wont.

i have excess phlegm right now. i wish i could kick this cold. i fucking hate summer colds, they stay forever bc of the humidity. im sooo over the humidity, by the way.. its been gross this week. cold and clammy. im sooooo over it. ready for autumn.

alright, one more cigarette then i will sleep.

so i dont know. my mind is (as usual) concentrated on the boy. the internal struggle between moving on and staying on the string. my horoscope says there will be someone i meet tomorrow that will be a love connection. im supposed to take care to look my best when i go out. riiight. im sure i will look gorgeous for therapy. and then for work. and where am i meeting this boy? on the subway? at chevys? weird! oh, wait. im not going to meet him. because my horoscope is never right, except when i went to vegas and it was right on. which was way eerie.

my nose is stuffy! boooo!! i wanna take nyquil, but im really tired anyway, and i dont wanna have trouble waking up.

yo, i so want to go to carlsbad caverns. just so you know. i wanna see the REAL desert.

my neck hurts. whine, whine, whine.

must go to bank tomorrow.. must get home and get ready for work. must rush rush rush all day long. oh, super, its supposed to be humid. im soo tired of my hair being a frizzy puff on the top. i need a fucking haircut.

oh, so im pretty happy about my money situation right now. i have a little more than $900 in my bill paying account, and i have my $600 security.. and my $700 vacation fund, if worse comes to worst.. therefore i only need like $800 more to move! i can do that in two weeks if im really careful.

ok no more cigarette. nite nite!

*i cant find myself.. i cant find myself.. i cant find myself.. i cant find myself.. i got lost in someone else..*
the cure

aaaah, did you miss me? i know at&t bell laboratories did, because s/he checked my blog like nine hundred thousand times in the past few days. sorry i havent posted, i know you were obviously anxious to hear the next chronicle of my stupid life. "let me tell you bout my stupid life" thats a mr. t experience lyric. rock.

ok. so i guess yr, like, dying for the news. big disappointment there: i aint got none. well, i guess i do. soooooo.. um, the last time i posted was technically still part of thursday. except for the two liner about the cure.

friday: lame. i worked in the bar, i think, in night bar 2. it wasnt very good, i was irritable. i got stiffed TWICE by motherfuckers. then at 1am, i went upstairs to ask gregg when he was going to cut, and there were police officers up there. so i investigated, and found out that janet was having a panic attack/heart attack.. i went into the back hallway to see her, and she was freaking out a little, and i asked her if she wanted to go outside and get some air since it was reall hot in the hall. so she took my hand and as we were walking out, the EMTs came.. they wanted to take her to the ER to make sure she wasnt having a heart attack (she was having chest pain and tingling in her left arm). so she was freaking out bc she was going to have to go alone, and i was like "i'll go" and i told gregg. he was mad. i cashed out anyway, and i left without doing any sidework. YAY. i rode in the ambulance to st. vincents, and they checked her out. i hung out with janet in her little partition and we chatted.. she kept telling me how awesome it was that i dropped everything and went with her, and it showed her how true of a friend i am, and that she wants to keep in touch with me for the rest of our lives. it made me feel good. janet and me are funny.. brief background.. she is one of the ESPN new people, which by default made me not like her in the beginning since she was getting the good shifts and i was getting shit on. so the first time we worked together was the night that lee and KJ and i went on strike, and she thought i was a bitch, but then she though i was really nice, and we started talking and she and i are pretty good work friends now. she is like 28.. or almost 28, and she is divorced with two babies. her daughter is like 5, and her son is 2. we are very unlikely friends. she just moved back to NY from guatamala (she is guatamalan, but was born in nyc) two years ago, and she just had a bad breakup and stuff. we bonded though, and i like her a lot. so i will keep in touch with her. when i got home, mike was over since we were going to see the cure the next day. he was like "what the hell? ive never heard you talk about janet before" like he knows *everything* in my life. but i guess he's right. i never really talked about her. she's a work friend. but i mean, work friends can become real life friends. like miss kim! you know.

alright, moving along. soooo i took a cab home from the hospital and when i got there, candace was still up. she had called me the night before to tell me that crazy michelle (as opposed to michelle crawley. must differentiate michelles) had seen gale harold aka brian kinney from queer as folk aka hot hot hot man dropping off pics at a photo store to be picked up on saturday. so the plan was that candace and crazy michelle would go back there all day sat to spy him. cos they are celeb stalkers. sooo i asked her if she was excited to stalk gale tomorrow, and she was like "yah, im not going" and i was like "WHAT?!" and it turns out that alex bought her a plane ticket, a hotel room, and a madonna ticket for sunday in MIAMI! therefore, she was flying out to FL sat instead. with alex. to see madonna. CRAZY! so we went through all my skirts and stuff for her trip, and then at 5am we all three went to kelloggs. it was PACKED. bar crowd/club crowd. all were drunk. service was terrible, as per usual. candace started to fall asleep in her milkshake so we went home. she went to bed. mike and i did something.. i forget what. i think we talked in bed or something. slept at like 730.

saturday: so ryan calls me at 1pm to tell me that we are leaving for randall's island at 3/330. he was driving. i went back to sleep and mike got up at like 230 and showered. i got up at 3, showered, and went down to meet ryry since he lives next door, in case you forgot. went to randall's island.. when we got there some band was playing. we didnt care. mogwai played first on the main stage. ugh, no me gusta!! no lyrics!! what use is that?!? so i sat on the grass with my shoes off while ryan and mike and sarah watched. then melissa auf du mar (heh, melissa from the sea?) or someone (i think it was her band) played the second stage, and the four of us just chilled on the grass. mike got me a snowcone. it was precisely those colors, but then it turned.. purple! and mike was like "wow, its purple" and i was like "wow, blue and red make...." ahahaha. anyway. then the rapture played. they, too, sucked. they sounded like 1982. i swear it was just another version of "girls on film" (duran duran for all you hipsters who think these bands are at all original). soooo i got bored and i decided to go brave the portapoddy and make my way over the the second stage for the illustrious thursday. they only played six songs, boo. they played "understanding (in a car crash)" and "how long is the night?" (from which i got the name of my blog), and 4 songs from war all the time.. the division street song.. and i forget which else. i think they played "war all the time". perhaps i will give that cd another chance, michael really liked them live. i felt like i won a battle there. soooo then we went back to the main stage and watched interpol. (sidenote: like how i put all the shit bands in green? ha). they were terrible. mike said they weren't very good live. i think they arent very good ever. also completely unoriginal, and sounded like 1982. buuuut. muse played on the second stage after so the crowd moved away, and mike and i made our way to the fron to wait for the cure to play! so we stood there for like 45 minutes waiting, and it was hot, and the cockucker behind me wouldnt let mike come stand with me. but finally the minutes went away and there was bob, making me so gidddddddddddddy! he had his hair all done, and red lipstick, you know. robert smith is way hot, i dont care what you think. he is old and decripit, yes, but hot hot hot. they opened with the song i put above. they played mostly songs from the new cd and the bastard middle cds. not bastard as in they are bad, just bastard as in they never play those songs. soooo. old songs they played: "lovesong" "just like heaven" "inbetween days" "fascination street" "from the edge of the deep green sea" "primary" "a forest" "m" "play for today" "boys dont cry" (!!!) "10:15 on a saturday night" ... i feel like that might have been it. they played "primary" "a forest" and "m" on the first encore. they played "boys dont cry" and "10:15" on the second/final encore. bob looked like he would cry again, walking all slowly away from the stage and glancing back at the crowd. he was like "thank you! fucking fabulous audience!" and i was like "I LOVE YOU BOB!" you know. dude, i danced for an hour and forty-five minutes straight. my stomach *still* aches like i did nine hundred sit-ups. especially during "from the edge.." jesus, i went crazy. no one else was dancing. the kid in front of me smelled sooo bad. not like BO or anything, just gross. and i kept breathing him in. i thought i would vomit. for a short time i was able to get next to him and not have to smell him, but then he got back in front of me and his frizzy curls were all up in my shit and i wanted to heave.

ANYHOO. after, we met up with ryan and sarah again and headed for the car, which we couldnt really find. but obviously we did, eventually. its weird, i dont remember that walk or anything from warped tour in 97. who knows. after the drive, ryan went to get his ATM card and then we all four went to kelloggs. ryan was hugely disappointed that they didnt have his gyro burger deluxe (waiter: "we no have. it say on menu, but we no have. i dont know why.") the same thing happened with my chocolate pudding. fuckers, seriously. i made nice with sarah and i talked to her and shit. mike said he didnt think she liked me. well, duh. i am generally not so nice to her. *i* dont like *her*. but i didnt mind her as much at the diner. soooo we waited like an hour for our check. it was annoying. so ryan dropped off mike and i at the deli where i got toilet paper and some girly drinks (which i didnt even drink, woo) and mike got his usual 6 pack of bud longnecks. we walked back to the apartment, and we broke out the cards. we played crazy eights while listening to loud music (sorry neighbors) until like 8am.

sunday: we got up at like 3. mike showered. i didnt. he was all bugging me to hurry up and that im slow. which i am. so we finally left my apartment and headed out to sea cliff. met up with mikes friend jess and her gf amanda, and we went to st rooco's italian feast in geln cove. got some zeppolis (MMMMM) and some watermelon. then we said byebye to his friends and went to get dinner at this italian place called stango's. it was good. i convinced him to drive me back to my moms, and we went to his house so he could pow wow with his sister about the construction that was happening in the morning (hes getting a new kitchen in his house.. theyve been working since like last summer). i took a nap while he did that, then we got up and drove out here. we went to westhampton beach and tried to get to the beach, but it was all resort-like places. kim called me and told me her boy drama, and mike drove, and then we got hassled by a cop who asked if we were lost. we were like "yah, we're just going to get back on the expressway" and headed out. went to the california diner (YAY), where we had some dessert (a ton of dessert, actually). we shared a banana split, chocolate pudding, and slice of marble cheesecake. had some coffee. came back here. he came in and we watched beavis & butthead, then we watched true life: i got baby mama drama, which was abruptly cut off, so we dont know who got custody of which kids. after that i cant remember what we watched. oooh cops. it was terrible. then it was 5, so he left my place and went home to await the workers who would be arriving (but never showed up). and i went to sleep.

monday: ok so yesterday i got up at like 12, and i went to look at apartments with my momma. we went to this place in selden.. they apartments are HUGE! its $1150 a month (boo), but they have a pool and a fitness center and common building, and the apartments are big and pretty. the super showed us around and he was super nice, which made me want to live there sooo bad. but alas, there are but 4 units available, and its only august 3, so im sure they will fill up before i have a chance to snag them. but he said someone on the second floor was moving out sept 1, so in theory i could snag that. then we looked at these other apartments in nesconset, the rental office was not open, but my mom talked to a tenant who said it was young and big and nice. so she (mom) is going to call again and perhaps stop by and see them, and find out if there are any units available. i would take either one. the ones in nesconset were $1100, which is cheaper, and also closer to the enigma's house (oh, im so stupid to be weighing this as a factor, i know). buuut i really liked the super at the selden ones. so we shall see. ok so after that was all done, i went with my mom to pick up an alternator at the parts store, and then we came home. i talked to kim, who told me that jesse broke up with her.. long story, but in a nutshell, he texted (not CALLED) her last tues and said they had to talk, then avoided her till she just showed up at his house yesterday and made him tell her.. and basically he has feelings for someone else, so she is bummed bc she didnt wanna be involved with him cos she knew this would happen, but he broke her down after like 4 months of asking her to be his gf constantly, and then bam! three weeks later, hes out. so she is pissed and upset, bc she trusted him. sooo i borrowed moms car and drove out to huntington. i picked up kim at her house (she doesnt know how to drive on highways yet, so she couldnt come out here), and we went to the walt whitman mall. i got a watch to cover my tattoo, and we went to claires where we bought some funny happy bunny merchandise including best friends charm bracelets that say "you're icky" on them and lip balm that says "making out is fun AND gross." i also got some magnets, with colorful phrases, such as: "you're ugly and thats sad" and "it worries me how dumb you are." after that we went to tower, where we ran into jesse (kims new ex, in case you forgot already). he started talking to her, then she introduced me, and he goes "hi, im jesse. oh, shit. you probably hate me right now. bye!" and like ran out of the store. way mature. so we went and purchased a shitload of cassette tapes for her car and for mikes car, and i got the new cure cd. then i dropped her home bc she is sick and was crapping out, and also bc i had to come back to o get linda's car, since emilys car got stolen on saturday and my moms truck is broken.. they tried to replace the alternator, but i think they broke the new one immediately or something. so i had no method of transport to get to my interview, and linda was in maine, so i borrowed her car. linda is my dads woman. sooo thats what i did. came back here, got the car, came home, read more of journal of the dead, which i havent had time for in like 3 days (GRR!). heard from the boy at like 1214 or something.. he apparently had a good dream about me, and so we were talking and he scammed an employee discount at some best western in ohio, i have no idea how, esp since he is quiet. im thinking someone else scammed it, and he benefitted, but he said "i" not "we" so.. whatever, we had a nice dirty conversation, so i guess he hasnt lost all feelings for me, which i thought he had since i barely heard from him the past two weeks. he was all talking about how he cant wait till i get my new place so we can be together all the time blah blah blah. verbal vomit.

5am, this morning: had an AWFUL nightmare. i kept waking up and falling back into it.. i was with my mom in her car and we were parking across the street from my house, and this guy tried to use a crowbar to get into the car, but he couldnt, and she was soo calm. so finally he went away and i heard someone say :i dont want to have to do this to jill"... ok so in my dream, i was groggy (much like my subway debacle dream from a few months ago), and it was weird cos i remember he said "jill" and i thought "j-i-l-l" in my head. but so we (mom and i) get into the house and i see this other guy who resembles michael myers (halloween) from behind totally destroying my beretta. it was all smashed in and turned upside down, and i connected "jill" to "gille"and i started freaking out, and my mom was still really calm. then all the sudden there were two more people outside, whom the MM lookalike proceded to hit in the head with a blunt object and then run over. like seriously RUN OVER, with the wheels, over the whole body, from head to toe. and, in my dream, i just stood there, crying, feeling hopeless and helpless, which is how i woke up. then i fell back asleep, and we were in the car again, mom and i, except this time we were parking around the block. and there were all these semi trucks, and i was freaking out bc they were going to get us (not the trucks, the crazy people) and we had to go so far, but my mom was confident, and we got out and kind of slunk along the trucks.. and as we were running to the house, i woke up again, full of despair and practically in tears. so i looked at my phone and it was 502am.. the last text i sent the enigma was at 402am, so it had only been an hour. i felt like it had been soooo long though. i got up and took my pillow and went into my moms room. i was like "im laying down here" and she was like "why?" and i said bc i was having nightmares. so i laid there for like 3 minutes, and then i realized sleep was not in my future, and sleeping there would only make me have to wake up when she gets up for work, which was soon, and besides, im 24 years old, i dont need to go to my moms bed. so i got up and shes like "where are you going?" and i said i couldnt sleep and i didnt wanna wake her up with my moving around, and she was like "im fine" but i said goodnight and went back to my bed, where i stared at the wall for a while, and then finally fell into a non-nightmare sleep. i think that what happens is that i dont fully wake up when im having this nightmares that continue, and if i fully wake up and get up, then i can fall asleep and have a different, new dream.

which brings us to today! i had my interview at northport.. it went ok. i was confident without being cocky, i admitted that i was new and that i wasnt sure what i would do in some cases, and that i would probably seek the advice of a senior teacher before acting in some situations, like if a student is really disrespectful and stuff. i think they appreciated that, they were smiling and nodding the whole time. i felt comfortable. however, i have no self-esteem, so i inherently thought that everything i was saying was stupid. they said that they were conducting all the interviews today, so i figure they probably had like 20 candidates, and there are 3.4 positions availble.. i think that they have like 2 full-time and 2 part-time, or maybe its 3 f/t and 2 p/t.. regardless, they said that the 3.4 was the result of 2 p/t positions. he (the dept chair) said that after they were through with their interviews, they would discuss amongst themselves, and the next step of the process would be that the smaller group of selected people would return on thursday to do a real live demo lesson for a summer school class. i figure i will hear from them tomorrow. i would assume that they would call me either way, that is the polite thing to do. i think i will e-mail the guy in a minute, though, to thank him, and that would be nice of me.

now i am home. i took the long way, 25A, and i got lost in kings park, and then again in smithtown. not lost lost, but 25A makes all these retarded turns, so its hard to follow if yr not on the ball. which i obviously wasnt. i still have to return linda's car, my brother was supposed to be beack from the car show an hour ago, but it didnt rain so they stayed. i need a rode back from my dads though. i think i just heard the firebird. hmm.

i was wrong. not here. this sucks. i really want to take the 1011 train, but im thinking thats impossible. i wanna smoke before i get on the train, which requires my brother to drive me.. i suppose i could smoke on the way to my dads and then have him drive me, but shit. then i have to talk to my dad stoned, which NEVER works out. so i might just have to wait till 1058 when my train gets to mineola. in that case, i can eat, leave here at like 9, and have my dad take me to the train. who knows. i dont think im going to make it. grr.

anyway. i just typed like a million words. it is now 810 and i started this at 548 (duh, the post time).. my fingers kinda hurt from typing so much, but i was talking to twon and ryan and antonia which delayed my writing time. however, michael is sleeping over tonight, so i wont be able to write anything. i havent done a crossword since thursday. i spend too much time with him. but if i do it when he is there, he helps me, which annoys me, since i dont want no stinkin help.

maybe ill call my dad and see if he will return me to here if i bring the car over now. hmmmm..