Friday, August 20, 2004
*im tired of sleeping alone*
alkaline trio
im gonna write the whole thing in color tonight. i had good dreams last night for the first time in as long as i can remember. first i dreamt that the boy came home from tour for good this week, and that he wanted to spend a lot of time with me and it made me really happy. then i dreamt that kim and i were somewhere, perhaps a graduation of sorts, and we saw nick. it was weird, but we talked for a few minutes the three of us, and my bitterness toward him faded. we exchanged numbers, knowing we probably wouldnt call each other, but it made me feel lighter, like this crap id been carrying around for 2 years is finally dissipated. i woke up feeling happy for a second before i realized it was 1130am and i still hadnt heard from the school. i called them a few times, but no answer. fell back asleep till 2, called again constantly for like 2 hours. they never called me. im sort of freaking out now. my confidence has absolutely plummeted, and so when i finally got out of bed at 315, i felt dejected and tired.
so. i got up, went on myspace for a little while, and then i went to work. it was fairly painless. i worked in the bar with derek, sean, jolynn, ed, and mark. it was an old school night, it felt almost like old times. and then dustin (aka justin) came in and it felt even more like old times. derek got a tiny shard of glass lodged in his middle finger and i had to perform surgery on him. he was like a child. it was fun. he comes over to me, and hes like "i need a big favor of you." (dramatic pause) ... "i need you to get this glass out of my finger." so we went into the light and i fussed with it for a minute, but we had tables, so i was like "ok, we will resume this operation in a minute" and i went about m tables. came back to derek with a glass of tea water and some bev naps, and i put hot hot water on his hand and he was like "AAAAH" and i said "its burning me, too!" so he would make sure i wasnt being malicious hahah. just kidding, i really wanted to try to open up the pore or something. so i poked at it for like anouther minute and finally we got it out and he gave me a huge hug and a kiss on the cheek it was cute. then like 5 minutes later he thanked me again and hugged me again, and i was like "you know me, den mother." it was good times and i felt like i was able to use my nurturing skills.. and i love using them on derek bc he responds the exact way i want to be reacted to.. all hugging me and being super appreciative, like he needed me. i like to feel needed. i, in fact, need to feel needed.
overall i made 145ish. that was a plus. derek went home (well not home, out with dustin and david) early, and ricardo took his place. that was ok. hes a little intense though, and i feel like he's always playing games bc he knows that its my weakness. ..
"i wish i could sing the words that meant something to you. if i lied and said i cared you wouldnt feel so used. ill be here to put you down, and bring you up again, and ill be the first to leave when yr in need of a friend.. its been another bad day.. its been another bad da-ay, and maybe if i say the right things, maybe, i can make you stay. everybody's on my case and i dont have the time to waste with you bc im trying to face the fact that i can hold my ground today. its been another bad day.. been another bad da-ay, and maybe if i say the right things, maybe, i can make you stay."
right on kurt. he wrote that song about me when i was 16 years old. and i havent changed a bit. maybe if i say the right things, maybe, i can make you stay. yep. of course. i wonder if he spread the word, that im the stupidest girl ever and i fall for lines all the stupid time.
right now im listening to the rex, and my other nice song, "supernuthin" is on. its making me sort of happy, to remember what it felt like to mean something to someone.
blah. i need to shave my legs in the worst way. i need to do laundry. i need to sleep but im semi-wired. and once again i am drawn into the olympics. wow, these gymnasts and the balance beam.. they keep losing their balance. i mean, i know its hard, but they are olympians for crying out loud. well this romanian chick is doing pretty good so far. im afraid to take my eyes off or ill miss her mess up. her landing seems to have been just ok. well i dont know. im not listening, so i dont know if that was it. oh well.
im sort of sleepy. a lot of lights are on right now. in fact, four are on, and three are totally unnecessary. oh well. im going to bed soon anyhow. ooh and happy birthday to the enigma boy! he is 26 today. i sent him a text a 12:01 and i was the first one! YAY!! its kinda funny. he is the oldest guy i have ever dated (for lack of a better term..) and at the same time, he is probably the most immature. whatever, thats part of his charm, his lost boy-ness. everyone knows gille loves lost boys. just call me wendy.
im really not digging the floor exercise. i thought i was, but now its starting to irritate me. i like balance beam. i really like the uneven bars.
grr so tomorrow i really have to wake up by like.. 1 at the latest. though i doubt ill be able to sleep late, seeing as im freaking out about this job and as soon as i naturally wake up at like 10am, i will be nerve-wracked, and calling the social studies department. if i get good news, and i can by some grace of God, go to the HR department monday morning early, then i can go back to sleep till 1 or so. get up, do laundry. i have no clean socks, so i have to have to have to, ok? the only reason i will be dirty tomorrow is if they *need* me to go to HR tomorrow, and i can get a hold of mike and he can come get me, and we get there by 1, and i get home by 4 so i can be to work by 5, to close the bar. that would be WAY intense and a day i am unprepared for, seeing as i have to get up early again saturday for my 12pm shift. i dont care how it works out, though, i just want it to all work out and be ok and i dont want to be homeless or unemployed, i want to get my apartment on li and work as a teacher and be somewhat settled and happy and have a kitty and a place to call my own, thats all i want.
please stop smiting me? i was thinking earlier today that perhaps God does this to make people believe in him. i mean, maybe he just does it to the heretics. its not that im a heretic, though, its just that i never really formed a relationship with God, and im unsure that making an effort will really improve my standing or just brainwash me. then i thought that i better get into Heaven if it exists, since my whole earthly life was hell.
alright. im gonna watch carly patterson get her gold medal and then im goin to bed.
sweet dreams.
alkaline trio
im gonna write the whole thing in color tonight. i had good dreams last night for the first time in as long as i can remember. first i dreamt that the boy came home from tour for good this week, and that he wanted to spend a lot of time with me and it made me really happy. then i dreamt that kim and i were somewhere, perhaps a graduation of sorts, and we saw nick. it was weird, but we talked for a few minutes the three of us, and my bitterness toward him faded. we exchanged numbers, knowing we probably wouldnt call each other, but it made me feel lighter, like this crap id been carrying around for 2 years is finally dissipated. i woke up feeling happy for a second before i realized it was 1130am and i still hadnt heard from the school. i called them a few times, but no answer. fell back asleep till 2, called again constantly for like 2 hours. they never called me. im sort of freaking out now. my confidence has absolutely plummeted, and so when i finally got out of bed at 315, i felt dejected and tired.
so. i got up, went on myspace for a little while, and then i went to work. it was fairly painless. i worked in the bar with derek, sean, jolynn, ed, and mark. it was an old school night, it felt almost like old times. and then dustin (aka justin) came in and it felt even more like old times. derek got a tiny shard of glass lodged in his middle finger and i had to perform surgery on him. he was like a child. it was fun. he comes over to me, and hes like "i need a big favor of you." (dramatic pause) ... "i need you to get this glass out of my finger." so we went into the light and i fussed with it for a minute, but we had tables, so i was like "ok, we will resume this operation in a minute" and i went about m tables. came back to derek with a glass of tea water and some bev naps, and i put hot hot water on his hand and he was like "AAAAH" and i said "its burning me, too!" so he would make sure i wasnt being malicious hahah. just kidding, i really wanted to try to open up the pore or something. so i poked at it for like anouther minute and finally we got it out and he gave me a huge hug and a kiss on the cheek it was cute. then like 5 minutes later he thanked me again and hugged me again, and i was like "you know me, den mother." it was good times and i felt like i was able to use my nurturing skills.. and i love using them on derek bc he responds the exact way i want to be reacted to.. all hugging me and being super appreciative, like he needed me. i like to feel needed. i, in fact, need to feel needed.
overall i made 145ish. that was a plus. derek went home (well not home, out with dustin and david) early, and ricardo took his place. that was ok. hes a little intense though, and i feel like he's always playing games bc he knows that its my weakness. ..
"i wish i could sing the words that meant something to you. if i lied and said i cared you wouldnt feel so used. ill be here to put you down, and bring you up again, and ill be the first to leave when yr in need of a friend.. its been another bad day.. its been another bad da-ay, and maybe if i say the right things, maybe, i can make you stay. everybody's on my case and i dont have the time to waste with you bc im trying to face the fact that i can hold my ground today. its been another bad day.. been another bad da-ay, and maybe if i say the right things, maybe, i can make you stay."
right on kurt. he wrote that song about me when i was 16 years old. and i havent changed a bit. maybe if i say the right things, maybe, i can make you stay. yep. of course. i wonder if he spread the word, that im the stupidest girl ever and i fall for lines all the stupid time.
right now im listening to the rex, and my other nice song, "supernuthin" is on. its making me sort of happy, to remember what it felt like to mean something to someone.
blah. i need to shave my legs in the worst way. i need to do laundry. i need to sleep but im semi-wired. and once again i am drawn into the olympics. wow, these gymnasts and the balance beam.. they keep losing their balance. i mean, i know its hard, but they are olympians for crying out loud. well this romanian chick is doing pretty good so far. im afraid to take my eyes off or ill miss her mess up. her landing seems to have been just ok. well i dont know. im not listening, so i dont know if that was it. oh well.
im sort of sleepy. a lot of lights are on right now. in fact, four are on, and three are totally unnecessary. oh well. im going to bed soon anyhow. ooh and happy birthday to the enigma boy! he is 26 today. i sent him a text a 12:01 and i was the first one! YAY!! its kinda funny. he is the oldest guy i have ever dated (for lack of a better term..) and at the same time, he is probably the most immature. whatever, thats part of his charm, his lost boy-ness. everyone knows gille loves lost boys. just call me wendy.
im really not digging the floor exercise. i thought i was, but now its starting to irritate me. i like balance beam. i really like the uneven bars.
grr so tomorrow i really have to wake up by like.. 1 at the latest. though i doubt ill be able to sleep late, seeing as im freaking out about this job and as soon as i naturally wake up at like 10am, i will be nerve-wracked, and calling the social studies department. if i get good news, and i can by some grace of God, go to the HR department monday morning early, then i can go back to sleep till 1 or so. get up, do laundry. i have no clean socks, so i have to have to have to, ok? the only reason i will be dirty tomorrow is if they *need* me to go to HR tomorrow, and i can get a hold of mike and he can come get me, and we get there by 1, and i get home by 4 so i can be to work by 5, to close the bar. that would be WAY intense and a day i am unprepared for, seeing as i have to get up early again saturday for my 12pm shift. i dont care how it works out, though, i just want it to all work out and be ok and i dont want to be homeless or unemployed, i want to get my apartment on li and work as a teacher and be somewhat settled and happy and have a kitty and a place to call my own, thats all i want.
please stop smiting me? i was thinking earlier today that perhaps God does this to make people believe in him. i mean, maybe he just does it to the heretics. its not that im a heretic, though, its just that i never really formed a relationship with God, and im unsure that making an effort will really improve my standing or just brainwash me. then i thought that i better get into Heaven if it exists, since my whole earthly life was hell.
alright. im gonna watch carly patterson get her gold medal and then im goin to bed.
sweet dreams.
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