is it too late to heal?

*you touch her skin and then you think that she is beautiful but she dont mean a thing to me*
death cab for cutie

i have become a terrible blogger. i hate it. i wish i was still posting all the time. im letting bits of my life disappear, pass unrecorded.

so there was dave. he was a nice guy, i thought. we had dinner together at the california diner one night, and we had a good time and i thought he was cute. so then we went on a pie date, went out to briomere farms, got a pie, hung out at a north shore beach out past mattituck.. had dinner, went to best buy, ended up going to his place to watch movies, and i spent the night because we fell asleep on the couch. for real. i respected him because he didnt try to sleep with me, even though we shared a bed. we had breakfast on sunday, and he brought me home. then a few days later we went out to ikea and had dinner, went to his apartment to assemble the lamps he purchased, and i ended up spending the night again. then saturday we had plans but he started to get a little shady on me. friday night he was supposed to call me and he didnt. then saturday he picked me up and we had lunch and he was like "i dont feel good" and he wanted to go home. so i asked if he wanted me to come with him, we could watch a movie.. he said hed like that, so we went to best buy for him to pick up his computer, and when we got to his place, he spent 3.5 hours putting it together and setting it up. i got annoyed. we watched saved and had dinner, things werent awesome. so he tells me hes taking me home that night, which was really weird. whatever. so we made out for a while and then he said it was time to go, and i was like alright, but it wasnt cool cos all day i was getting weird vibes, like that he didnt want to hang out. so i called him on it, and we argued a little. he said he appreciated my honesty and he hadnt realized it had been so long on the computer blah blah. so he drops me off, and says he'll call me. he doesnt. its tuesday, and the snow sucks, so i call him. no answer. wednesday i sent him a quick email, just like "hey, was wondering how yr feeling. give me a call" no response. wed night i ended up calling him again bc i was going to a wake on thurs and he had said he wanted to hang out thurs when he was taking me home sat night.. so no answer again. im like whatever, but then thursday i get this feeling that something isnt right, and i sign on with another screen name, and viola! he is signed onto AIM.. and he has BLOCKED me. like, how high school is this? you decide its not working, you dont want to see me anymore, and rather than be a man and say so, you HIDE? 26 going on 15? is that what this was? i swear, joe is 26, also, and they are both like teenage boys.

not to change the subject, but joe hasnt even tried to get in touch or to make me stay. he has let me go. it hurts and i hate it. and he has all these comments on myspace now from 17 & 18 year old girls. so i guess what it was, was that im too old for him. nikole was 19 (actually she was 1 the whole time she was seeing him), arizona/oregon is 21. so i guess thats the problem. 17!! jesus christ, you are almost 27! thats like me hanging out with my students!! but i miss him, and i miss him incredibly, at that. i wish we could talk about it. that he would have tried to change my mind. that he would have somehow right then knew he needed me......

im so stupid!

anyway. that wake.. it was intense. it was toms mom. tom is my favorite student. i feel so bad for him. i wish i could change it. he is going to have to grow up real fast from his little 15 year old world. it isnt fair, he is too sweet for this. i went to the wake with claire and theresa, we gave our condolences and then we left because it was weird. i didnt go to the casket, but i could see her, and i didnt like it. i cried a bit. i couldnt think of anything to say to tom. i just squeezed his hand. i cannot deal with death.

last night michael called me at 230am. he was in brooklyn at trash bar, and he was pissed. apparently michelle made him go to this party with her, and he hates the city, so he was mad because he had to drive so he couldnt drink, and she was trashed and being the drunk girlfriend, and he hated her and didnt want her anywhere near him. he bitched about it for like 20 minutes. he didnt call me today like he was supposed to, but he texted me at like 1045, and it was like "sorry i didnt call, not a good time to talk" so maybe he finally broke up with her. which would be good, because i dont like her even though i havent met her. i feel justified in my not liking her, though, because mike doesnt think we would like each other. so there.

twon came to visit today. we had lunch and then we went to montauk. we found snail shells and took pretty pictures of sunset and rocks and all kinds of things. if i wasnt the laziest girl ever, i would photobucket some pics from today but eh. maybe tomorrow. i doubt it though. im pretty tired though, so its not my fault.

i have like a hundred thousand bills to pay right now. its really making me unhappy. i owe my car payment, my car insurance, my computer payment, and two student loans. i already paid my cell phone and the credit card. but i only have like 550 in the bank. the car payment is 264, leaving me like 240.. 100 for the computer, and then i dont have enough left over for car insurance anddddd the loans. i filed my taxes on feb 23 i think, so my money should get direct deposited into my account this week, but i need it nooooow. its only 800, but it will obviously help. oh and i owe my mom 700. YAY. im never going to be financially stable. i hate money i hate it i hate it. its almost summer though, and i better make a shit ton of money waiting tables. i need to pay some crap down, like pay off mom and the computer. the loans are going to take years. i hate money.

i dont know if i ever talked about shawn. he gave me a cookie for valentines day, he is a PE teacher. he asked me for my number when i saw him at the basketball game i went to, and i have it to him, but he never called. so i saw him in the cafeteria on tuesday, and he called me over to him, and he was like "oh hey i meant to call you but when i got home i didnt have yr number anymore" and it wassss really windy that day, so i let it go. and i gave it to him again. so i pointed him out to claire at the conference thing friday and she was like "oh hes sooo cute" so i was gushing, but he fucking still hasnt called me. i mean, i know its not going to be love because um, i am like the antiathletic.. but. maybe we could get along. i dunno, i mean i get nervous when he talks to me. which is more than i could have said for dave. i felt like i was in control of that up until he pulled a cute 15 year old thing. i want him to call me, but he hasnt. i figure he should have by now. its SATURDAY. and its 130. so not today. argh.

im so over guys, anyway. it doesnt matter. at all!

my eyes hurt. im watching court tv. i watched discovery before, two shows on volcanoes. because i fucking love volcanoes, especially whilst they are erupting. right now i am watching body of evidence or something. dayle hinman. i want to go to hawaii so bad. i like, NEED to see a volcano, especially kilauea, which has been erupting continuously since 1983!!!!!! i neeeeeeed to gooooo therereereeee.

blah blah blah blah blah. i miss joe and i wish he was here with his belly against mine. i had to say it. its true. it makes me mad. i wish he would go to europe and not come back. i think im going to be alone forever now that hes gone. i dont think i could ever relate to someone else on a day-to-day basis. im tired of men, im tired of the meanness. my mom and emily both are convinced that i will marry michael one day. i dont know though. i mean, i dont think we could do it, i think we would fight a lot. we disagree on practically everything. i dont think he could deal with me. he has me totally figured out, he is aware of the fact that i have rules and methods preplanned for absolutely any situation that could arise, and he thinks i am rigid (i am).. but most boys dont notice crap like that. its a piece of personality they miss and therefore dont have to deal with it. michael knows all my rules and he constantly wonders how i leave the house each day because he thinks that i make everything exremely complicated. i disagree, because i think that having thought out rules and processes, i dont have to think. i just do, i follow the patterns that i need, i drive the same route to work every day, i know exactly where i should light each of the 4 cigarettes i smoke on the way to work, i like things that smell like peaches, but i prefer my car to smell like coconut. my covers have to be a certain way on my bed, and i yell at him for messing them up and not getting into the bed more carefully. i save everything. im a control freak, i dont like my processes to be interupted and i hate when people try to get me to change my rules.

maybe thats what i need. maybe i need someone who would challenge me to live, rather than going through rote methods like i do every day. someone to help me to let go of the rigidity and my uptight personality. or maybe what i need is joe, who makes me laugh and is stupid and silly and tells corny jokes. to other girls. who notice that about him, too. fuck.
nothing he ever did with me was orginal. i was one of many girls he strins along real good. i wonder if hes fucking the 18 year old, too. well, he isnt fucking me. so too wouldnt really count. he has to be. ew. thats so ... i dont know, dirty. he is too old for her. ugh. i need to stop thinking about it. i was nothing that meant anything. i meant nothing to him. he used the same lines. he probably did the "like camping" thing to like every other girl hes ever tried to get with. actually, its probably his line. fuck. i cant believe i fell for all this bullshit.

actually, i can.

my ass hurts. from driving all day. from sitting here on the floor. i wish i could smoke inside. i am so over going outside. its like 140am. i dont WANNA put my coat on. its march 13. that means my bday is in 3 weeks. my job ends in 2.5 months. aaand 5.5 months till i can hopefully be out of here and back in my own place where i can smoke wherever the fuck i want, whenever i want. ha. i think i can do it. i have passed the halfway point, as long as i adhere to the out in september timetable i have mentally set up for myself.

i am impressed with my ability to type without looking, and the speed with which i type. i always look at the keyboard, mainly because i am insecure, but i am doing this without looking. i do make mistakes, but not nearly as many as i thought i would. i feel like my hands are thinking on their own. i am not making them move. i am just thinking the words and my fingers are using their independent brains to make the words i think appear on the screen in front of me. because honestly, i dont think if you asked me where the k was on the keyboard, if i even know. my fingers know, i dont. weeeird. someone explain this to me, how it works. why my fingers know the keyboard map, but my mind cant picture it.

enough!

i am going to smoke a cigarette, and then i am going to sit back down and think about all the places i would rather be then here, how no schools have called me back STILL, how no one will ever love me except for mike, who i dont know if i even want to love me forever. how there is about to be nothing on tv. my eyes, they still burn.

one of my favorite kids' mom died this week. tom, the 10th grader who greeted me the morning of the inadequate post. he is such a sweet kid, he's so nice to me, and i think he is awesome. the worst things happen to the best people. i heard today and i almost cried. i am going to the wake tomorrow, even though i am scared of dead people and have never seen a dead person before. i am not going to the casket. but this kid is wonderful, and there is no way i am not going to give my condolences to him. i cannot imagine life without my mother, no matter how much she irritates me. she is my mother, and i think i need her. im almost 25, i couldnt handle that, and he's only in 10th grade. i swear my heart breaks at things like this.

today was one of the days that i love being a teacher. like LOVE love. so i may be only a sub, but since im the social studies sub, i get to meet a lot of kids. last week, one kid made me a mix cd of songs he thought i would like (we have the same taste in music), and i LOVED it. aaaand the same day, another kid brought me his band's cd, since the day before i had mentioned i liked bane cos he was wearing a bane hoodie. he was like "since you like bane, you might like this." which rocked. that day was awesome.but today was better. at the beginning of the year, i was leave replacement for this lady cheryl for a month and a half, so i know her kids really well. yesterday and today i subbed her classes for the millionth time (she's always out), and she left this really boring crossword puzzle for them to do. so instead we were being silly most of the day. first period was fun, with grace singing "karma chameleon" and jim drawing charicatures of students on the board. second period was awesome. they are in 9th grade, and they are the coolest 14 and 15 year old's you will ever meet in yr entire life. all the girls listen to the same music as i do lol. soo kelly took my cell phone and she was going through my names asking me who the people were. then she found the ring tones, and we listened to "hands down" (my regular ring), "milkshake" (candace's ring), something corporate, new found glory.. they were dancing to "milkshake," it was very funny. then angie and i talked about this providence and brand new and other assorted bands. i didnt feel like wearing my watch, so they saw my tattoo, and they hadnt ever seen it before.. kelly was like "DIZ!! you are soooo emo!!!" and she called over meredith, angie, and jess to come look. she's like "its a heart with a crack!" which was awesome in itself, since most people look at it and say its a broken heart. i think of it as a cracked heart. so she took my pen, and above my tattoo, she wrote "emo."fifth period pretty much refused to do their work, which was fine with me. the class only has 10 kids in it, and so max and i were talking about music the whooole time. that made me super happy, since max hated me for a little while. one time i subbed a class he was in, and a bunch of his friends were in there, and they were acting up and i left a note for their teacher.. so he didn't talk to me for like 2 months cos he got detention for it. however, today he decided to be cool again, and we spent the period talking about shows, and glassjaw, the movielife, taking back sunday.. and it was cool, i mean, this kid is FIFTEEN, and he's telling me about how he heard those bands used to play at peoples houses and stuff, and i was like "yah, i was there!" and we talked about hardcore and metal and even emo, though his image is definitely more.. i dont know.. deftones, to me. thats probably a poor example. but thats the only way my head can describe it. also, max, liz, and i talked about how bad drugs are. like the holes you get in yr brain from ecstasy, and how bad meth is. it stemmed from talking about donnie darko and stud. but anyway, it was awesome that those kids were against drugs. npt kids loooove drugs, no joke. and then there is 8th period. when i was their teacher, they were hell. i loved them, i thought they were awesome kids, but they just could not stop talking and being crazy. however, now they hate their regular teacher, and i feel like a divorced parent. every time i see chrissy, shes like "i swear ill be good if you come back!" awwwww. so they are on their best behavior when i come now. but today, we could be chatty and silly, because we only had busy work to do. andy and scott are in this band called alien soup, and they asked if i would buy their cd when they record it. i was like "yr not giving me one for free??" and they agreed that they would give it to me for a hug instead of $5. haha. so scott plays guitar, and he broke his G string, so all period he kept commenting on his "G string".. "my G string broke" or "my G string is fraying." all dirty like. and millions of other assorted things. verrrry silly. brittani demanded that i download mae and lux courageous. pam made me listen to armor for sleep on her ipod. and i loved all of it. i told them i'd download them tonight. the best part of the day, though, came that same period, but from a really troubled kid. about a month ago, someone found a suicide note in the hall at school. it was being passed around the departments, to try and figure out who the kid was from the handwriting (it was not signed), and it turned out to be one of the kids from cheryl's 8th period. when i was his teacher, i didnt think he liked me, but now i see that he is very depressed. however, i have made a big effort to reach out to him very subtley, without letting him know that i know about his note. the last few times ive been in there, ive tried to smile when i talk to him, and we have talked about music a little. a few times ago, he played my chemical romance on his ipod for me, and we started talking about it, since i hadnt really heard them before. so yesterday we had a review session for their upcoming test, and i made sure to call on him when he raised his hand. at the end of the period, we were all talking, and i noticed he had cuts on the inside of his arm. it looked like a scrape, but it was wayyy too big. i came home really concerned about him yesterday, but i wasnt sure what to do. i mean, he's obviously already been singled out, he is probably getting school counseling, and i was afraid to say something to him. i needed time to think about what to do. and then today, he trusted me. i was making the rounds, talking to andy and scott, and this other kid (i know im posting this blog as only for friends to see, but i still feel a need to protect his confidentiality) moved his desk over and talked to me about how tuesday was self injury awareness day (the tues that just passed).. and then he told me he was a former cutter, and he showed me his arm. i told him that those cuts looked fresh, and he said his mom had found his razor, and now he is getting better. he said it's really hard to stop when you cut yrself. so i said maybe we should do a program about self injury awareness, and he told me that he and a friend were trying to start a group to raise awareness. i was really happy that he told me all this, and i told him that if he wants any help from faculty, that he should definitely let me know, because i would do anything i could to help them. i feel like he trusts me, and that hopefully i can help him in some small way to overcome it and help other kids to understand self hatred and cutting and self esteem things. it just really made me feel good to know he was telling me this stuff. teachers are so important. i mean, not to toot the horn of my profession, but seriously, kids need teachers. yah, they need family and friends, but they also need somewhat objective adults who technically dont owe them anything to help them and to guide them. this is why i love working with teenagers. i get them, i was a teenager not too long ago, and i was pretty depressed. i know what its like to feel like you dont fit in (and/or to not necessarily want to), i know what it feels like to feel worthless and inadequate (thanks to many boys who refused to appreciate me and also a few girls who i thought were my friends), and i know how it is to feel terribly alone. but i have, for the most part, overcome that, and now i can help others in some way. and i know that ive touched a lot of these kids' lives. i wish i had had a teacher i could relate to in high school, maybe i wouldnt have felt lost then, or for the years that followed. maybe i wouldnt have felt alone. if i could positively impact just one kid a year, i would feel so good about myself. and this year, i already have, and i feel like i have bonded with so many more. i fucking love being a teacher.