is it too late to heal?

*why can't we not be sober? i just want to start this over. why can't we drink forever? i just want to start things over.
i am just a worthless liar. i am just an imbecile. i will only complicate you. trust in me and fall as well. i will find a center in you. i will chew it up and leave, i will work to elevate you just enough to bring you down.
trust me...*
tool

work was uneventful today. there was alright conversation, but the whole scene was bad. lots of 5-8% tips. bleh. i made like $67. pathetic. came home, candace was here. so we finished watching season two of queer as folk. then that 70's show. now im watching snl. i havent really felt like doing anything tonight or talking to anyone. ive had my away message on the whole time, despite the fact that i was sitting in front of the computer.

and then there you were. it was almost 9, and the little envelope popped up on my phone.. i was convinced it must be a voicemail, but no, it was short mail.. so then i convinced myself it was bart or kim or ryan. but it was you! YOU! you said "hey. i woke up at 4 am thinking of you.." i think i glared at the screen... every time im almost convinced i hate you, you go and be all adorable like. so i replied simply, "good things?" it seemed like forever before i heard back from you, maybe it was half hour or forty five minutes. you said "not so much things. just you. i guess thats good right. so i cuddled with my sleeping bag." *sigh* i asked if the sleeping bag was a better cuddler than me.. no response. a bit ago, i said "haha ill take that as a yes.. but i hope im a close second hehe. think im gonna pass out. been a long day. sweet dreams, xo." no response. so who knows. maybe its just another game, another ploy to ensure that ill be around when you wake up wanting me..

anyway. im seriously exhausted. think ill jot some shit down in my paper journal, and then maybe read a little before i call lights out. snl is a repeat, so no incentive to stay up.. night..

1.If you could build a 2nd HOUSE ANYWHERE WHERE WOULD IT BE? yaahh.. i live in an apartment. but anyway, i think i would choose... deserted island in the south pacific.
2.WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING? oh i have so many. my moms old mudd jeans that are like 9 sizes too big on me and worn too think to wear in winter.. my police dept shirt.. my red tank top..
3. FAVORITE PHYSICAL FEATURE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX? hands...
4. THE LAST CD YOU BOUGHT? oh gosh. i cant remember. maybe brand new?
5. WHERE'S YOUR LEAST FAVORITE PLACE TO BE? chevys fresh mex!
6. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO BE MASSAGED? shoulders. but id rather have my back scratched.
7. WHAT'S MOST IMPORTANT - STRONG IN MIND OR STRONG IN BODY? mind..
8. WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? yah, i dont do mornings.. i usually wake up at like 2 or 3pm. today i had work, though, so i woke up at 1045.
9.WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE KITCHEN APPLIANCE? probably the stove.
10. WHAT MAKES YOU REALLY ANGRY? most things.
11. IF YOU COULD PLAY AN INSTRUMENT, WHAT WOULD IT BE? im learning guitar.
12. FAVORITE COLOR? blue. red.
13. WHICH DO YOU PREFER, SPORTS CAR OR SUV? um, sports car i guess.
14. DO YOU BELIEVE IN AFTERLIFE? who knows.
15. FAVORITE CHILDREN'S BOOK? i liked shel silverstein. oh and the little prince.
16. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON? spring! YAY its close! YAY!
17. IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE SUPER POWER, WHAT WOULD IT BE? read minds
18. IF YOU HAVE A TATTOO, WHAT IS IT? its a cracked heart on the inside of my left wrist. soon there will be a large demented star with "wish" written between its legs, either in english or cyrillic, i havent decided.
19. CAN YOU JUGGLE? thats a firm no..
20. THE ONE PERSON FROM YOUR PAST YOU WISH YOU COULD GO BACK AND TALK TO? adam.
21. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE DAY? i like tuesdays bc i have off and one tree hill is on.
22. WHAT'S IN THE TRUNK OF YOUR CAR? my car is the subway. it has no trunk.
23. WHICH DO YOU PREFER SUSHI OR HAMBURGER? i am vegetarian, thanks.
24. WHO DID YOU RECEIVE THIS FROM? desiree.
25. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FLOWER? i like dried roses.
26. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE MEAL? um.. italian food. calzones. dinner.
27. WHAT DO YOU COLLECT? broken hearts? ha. no. everything. seriously im the biggest packrat you will ever meet. ever.
28. WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH A MILLION DOLLARS? quit my job. pay off my debt. buy some stuff. become a capitalist?
29. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE WHEN YOU ARE ALL GROWN UP? ill be a teacher. woo.

*never ending low, swept off my feet and dragged into the undertow.. try to regain my stance wonder if i have a chance at feeling alright for a moment.. words get stuck at the top of my throat wouldnt say a thing just to get yr goat, but it cuts inside me, doesnt go away.. wish you could see what its like to feel like there is no end to the rain.. its always the same, its how i feel.. talking to reflections is safer than you but its written all over my face why wont you ask, no one ever asks, scared to speak out, just put it away.. words get stuck at the top of my throat wouldnt say a thing just to get yr goat, but it cuts inside me, doesnt go away.. wish you could see what its like to feel like there is no end to the rain.. its always the same, its how i feel..*
sleepasaurus (awww yah 1996 baby!)

its like 515 in the morning. i dont know why im up. oh yah, cos i stayed in bed till 3. sigh. ryan was here till like an hour ago, i got him some flautas from work, and we had a dr mario showdown. now im listening to.... DASHBOARD CONFESSIONAL surprise!

anyway. i think i shall try to sleep.... its supposed to be a really nice day tomorrow, and i have to ruin it at chevy's.. i have to do research tomorrow night. ugh. im sure i wont be in the mood after working all day.. jimmy (new GM) told me he was gonna talk to me about my note tomorrow. last sunday i left him a note inquiring about the bartender position.. i dont know if he has good things to say or bad things.. but whatever. in my note, i just said that i wanted to do something different after 5 years of serving.. i said that im very reliable, that i havent called out in 2.5 years, except once and i had a note from the emergency room, and that im never late except for the few times that the G train did its erratic routine. so i dont know. he kinda said that if he asked us to do anything and we rolled our eyes, we shouldnt inquire.. and i kinda rolled my eyes at him tonight. ok, it was stupid. i was doing my rollups and i did 75, which is normal, and jimmy goes "its 100 tonight" and i was pissed bc there werent enough forks and knives for everyone to do their silverware and i had to do 100??? and like bart and jolynn and all these other people didnt have to do any rollups bc there was no silverware left. you know? anyway. it was dramatic. im not sure if i rolled my eyes or if i was just noticably irritated.

the super is coming to fix our ceiling at 10am. ugh. i dont know how im gonna get through tomorrow on 5 hours of sleep. im going to bed. nitenite.

*ill write another letter, and ill sign it always true, and i know ill be dumb enough to write 'i still love you' and heres to what yr looking for, ill get out of yr way, and heres my favorite picture of my favorite mistake..
i stayed in bed till three oclock today i think i wanna be alone. im sure [he's] not that sad at all, [he's] got a million other hearts to break, but [he'll] always be my favorite mistake..*
weston

*poison oak some boyhood bravery.. when the telephone was a tin can on a string.. and i fell asleep with you still talking to me.. you said you werent afraid to die. in polaroids you were dressed in womens clothes, were you ashamed whyd you lock them in the drawer.. well i dont think that i ever loved you more then when you turned away, when you slammed the door, when you stole the car, drove towards mexico, and you wrote bad checks just to feel yr arm, i was young enough, still believed in war.. but let the poets cry themselves to sleep.. and all their tearful words will turn back to steam. and me im the single cell on the serpents tongue theres a muddy feild where a garden was and im glad you got away but im still stuck here and my clothes are soaking wet from yr brothers tears.. and i never thought this life was possible, yr the yellow bird that ive been waiting for.. the end of paralysis, i was a statuette, now im drunk as hell on a piano bench and when i press the keys it all gets reversed, the sound of lonilienes makes me happier..*
"poison oak" by bright eyes.

playing the questions game with mike. its getting late. ive already taken the magic sleep, so i can go to bed whenever i want.

im kinda out of it. not as miserable as i have been, though im sure that will change when i get to chevys tomorrow and work in night 13.. worst section *ever*..

so. bright eyes wrote a song called "neely o'hara." im pretty psyched, seeing as im in love with valley of the dolls. im half way done already, and i only started it monday. its like 400 and something pages long. ill end this post with the lyrics. they suit me. jim said i remind him of anne welles. well i guess that a compliment bc her character is like gorgeous. but i think he meant personality wise.

im going now. magic sleep, take me away..

*in the morning when you throw up water and your skin turns a pale pale yellow well everyday you lose more color do you think that someone paints your mirror? so you think that things sound different at the time when you speak well there are visions much clearer than these blurs that you see and like neely o'hara you swallow your sleep and wake up in the morning to find you are not who you used to be you don't recognize the behavior or the spelling of your name and the shape that is in the mirror well you'd swear it is not the same and like neely o'hara you swallow your sleep and you really can't remember but you know you are not think you are not no you are not who you used to be*

do you ever think that maybe god doesnt want you, bc he hasnt like approached you like he has crazy religious fanatics? i mean, they always say that something happened that caused them to awaken and meet god. i never had an experience with him. could it be that he has shunned me, and im not one of his chosen people? did you ever think that maybe the fantics are right? and us, who laugh at them, are the non chosen people, damned to eternal hell?

*look at me ive resulted in anger*
inside

dude. ER is totally stressing me out. so much is going on and people are all close to death and its loud and i cant handle it. a tank is leveling chicago, people are dying from the tank, which is headed toward the hospital, and of course one of the workers has had a heart attack. in the hospital. oh.my.god. why would you ever ever ever want to work in such a crazy place? not the life for me. im way too emotional and easily stressed.

i got out of bed at 1245 today. i was out by 1. i did good. i just had to get dressed and brush my teeth. im clean from last night. well im probably not clean anymore, but ill take care of that tomorrow afternoon. i went to rutgers, got my paycheck and a new ID. picked up books. went to the computer lab and was back in brooklyn at 5. i meant to study at rutgers, but i didnt want to. so i just came back. i have like 11 books to look at, ill do that saturday.

they cancelled my job interview. i was a little bummed, but i didnt really wanna work in rockville centre, anyway. im in the mood for some nachos. with really spicy cheese. like from the movie theatre. i could do with seeing a movie, actually. theres a few i wanna see, but yah. no one wants to take me to a movie and i have no time anyway.

gonna play guitar for a bit, maybe more later...

*im sick of smiling, and so is my jaw, cant you see front is crumbling down? im sick of being someone im not, please get me out of this slump. im sick of clapping when i know i can do it better for myself, im sick of waiting, sick of all these words that will never matter..
i wire these nerves together, hoping for a chance to think on time. and im tracing over your letter to see if your intentions are as good as mine...
but yr getting worse i swear it, it's hard to prove yr an understatement. yr getting worse and i know that youll be callin, callin, callin me again
im done with everything that had to do with you dont worry yr pictures are already burned.. im done with new friends. dont sell yourself short, you'll lose it in the end
i wire these nerves together, hoping for a chance to think on time. and im tracing over your letter to see if your intentions are as good as mine...
but yr getting worse i swear it, it's hard to prove yr an understatement. but yr getting worse and i know that youll be callin, callin, callin me again (go!)
i cant help how i feel, no i cant help how i feel.. (but yr!) but yr getting worse i swear it, it's hard to prove yr an understatement. yr getting worse and i know youll be callin, callin, callin me again... callin me again.. callin me again..
but yr getting worse i swear it, it's hard to prove yr an understatement. but yr getting worse and i know youll be callin, callin, callin me again.
*newfoundglory*

work sucked.

i fucking asked you a question. a simple question, at that, just "hows yr day?" and you fucking couldnt take two and half minutes to say its ok or its bad? thaaaaanks. seriously.

crossword puzzle, and then drug induced sleep.

*and if you ever said you miss me then dont say you never lied*
brand new

blah blaaaaahh.. i deleted all the adware from my computer today. it took me a good four hours. then i got a pop up blocker. so hopefully my computer is now in better health, cos im tired of the pop ups! i think i have more bad files, but i cant figure out how to learn if these weird programs on my machine are adware or necessary.

still sad. i cried in therapy today i was just talking out loud and ennumerating all these things that were stressing me out, and she was saying that i was thinking so far into the future that i was having anxiety over things that are like five months away. we didnt even get up to talking about the enigma and how sad he makes me.. he didnt even come up, it was like i was so obsessed with everything else that all the sudden it was 12:47 and i had to go. so i feel like i have unresolved shit that i didnt get to talk about, and my next session isnt till next thursday. i had to change my session bc.... I HAVE A JOB INTERVIEW! at rockville centre high school, whatever its called. at 8:45am on tuesday. i have to leave at like 7am, its gonna be rough. i dont think i want to work there, its way far from where i want to live, but we shall see..

anyway. im out. im sad.

*so call 911. im already dead but someone should be caught and held responsible for this bloody mess.*
brand new

*the bottle is waiting, the cap is twisted, ready to be used, and so are you*
dashboard

miserable. again. you know. trying to exist without thinking of you makes me feel like im drowning. i draw all of these parallels, and think about how long this has been going on, how long i have been under yr spell. and you frustrate me. because i wonder if you would even care if you knew how badly you destroy me every single day. with yr fucking games, needing a backup plan all the time. and then you run and hide, its like you know you've upset me and you back off to keep me hooked in. you suck. seriously.

*you came to me like a dream, the kind that always leaves. just as the best part starts, it ends so abruptly. and leaves you stunned and naked in your bedroom all alone. it’s kinda funny how something so soothing gets interrupted by the ring of a telephone. and you broke me like the cigarette that i busted on the day i quit. but now that ive been drinking, im outta smokes and i wish that i had it. woke up to my daily headache and the realization that you are gone. oh my sweet darling happiness you've been away from me all along. one thing that ive never said, im truly happy in my heart and in my head. a lonely liver suspended in liquid.
its one thing that i never did was smile. missing a case, lacking a lid. my heart bleeds for what you never did...
you never did.*
alkaline trio

i think im back on suicide watch.............................

*cos yr gone, i get nothing and you're off with barely a sigh. i never said "goodbye"*
dashboard

i looked at old stabbing westward cds before. i was wrong about my song from yesterday. the lyrics about haunting reality are from "lies" which was on ungod.. and "once i swore i would die for you but i never meant like this" is from "shame," which is on whither... so yah.

nyquil take ma away to a place where i dont feel.

maybe i'll die in my sleep.

*it hasn't been that long since we drank to the sunset, until it was gone. and down with it went our pain and fear, as we slowly broke contact more and more, with every beer. and we passed out in each other's arms, both admitting we'd never felt better. never felt so warm. but awoke in each other's eyes, without wearing a stitch of clothing. we were both deeply in disguise. and maybe i just set aside the fact that you were broken hearted. in my own special selfish way. and if i hadn't set aside the fact that you were broken hearted. hell knows where your heart would be today. maybe with me. it seems like it's been so long since we kissed through the darkness, until it was dawn. up with it came our pain and fear that we'd already lost each other. we both knew that the end was near. maybe i just set aside the fact that you were broken hearted. in my own special selfish way. and if i hadn't set aside the fact that you were broken hearted. hell knows where your heart would be today. maybe with me. maybe with me. maybe with me. maybe with me. maybe with me. maybe with me. maybe with me.*

alkaline trio ......

*im miserable, and yr just getting started*
taking back sunday

im on li. im completely miserable. im so fucked up over things with us, i can see the words constantly.. stuff gets shitty with us.. yep. yep it does. is this anohter cycle like the summer? when i didnt see you for over two months bc you got scared or bc you dont want to hurt me anymore? yr too busy again this week. of course, of course. but you know what? i might be moving on a little. there is this boy that works at the applebee's i used to work at, and he waited on us last week. tonight he was bartender. i think i have a crush on him. emily said she would investigate, and i was like noooo. that would be embarassing. i dont know though. maybe it doesnt matter. im pretty sure that if i got involved with someone else, and i hung out with you, there would be cheating involved.

*you are haunting my reality. yr lies are the only truth that i believe. you are haunting my reality, and every time i think about you i die* i think thats right. i also think it might be stabbing westward. its in my head. im pretty sure its stabbing westward, and on "whither blister burn + peel" and i think there is another lyric in there that goes "once i swore i would die for you.." i havent listened to stabbing westward since like 1996. they're in the song kurt wrote about me. "she likes stabbing westward but she dont like mtv." the mean song. booo.

im going to take a trip into the valley of the dolls now.

*most friendships, if they end at all, end not by earthquke, but by erosion. your time together, which you used to take for granted, becomes something you need to schedule. slowly you're aware that the easy intimacy you shared got lost somewhere. you talk more and more about the past.*
from BOX OFFICE POISON, a fantabulous graphic novel by alex robinson.

i just finished the above mentioned book. it was wonderful. imagine, 607 pages of comic book! i was so sad to see it go. however, i went to barnes and noble after work and i got five books!!! lets see. i got this side of paradise by f. scott fitzgerald, and valley of the dolls by jacqueline susann (oh my god im so excited, its "one of the sexiest novels ever written" and its about drowning yrself in drugs. cant wait, cant wait!), and consumer joe: harassing corporate america, one letter at a time (which is a book of bizarre letters written to corporations, and their responses), and foolish words: the most stupid words ever spoken (yay senseless quotes!).. and finally, i got more box office poison, which is waaay thinner than the original but im sooo happy that it can continue, and i dont have to sever my relationship with jane and stephen and sherman and dorothy and ed and mr. flavor just yet. oh yay! you dont even understand. getting to the end of a book is the worst, bc it completely ends any relationship i had with the characters. and i reallllly get involved in the stories, so its wayyy hard.

blah. my cold is still lingering. im like cant i get better already? ive been taking my flinstones chewables every day. ive skimped on the oj the past few days though. and im out of tissues, so i have to remember to get some. cos my poor nose responds poorly to toilet paper and the crappy tissues my mom has. im going to LI tomorrow. i should pack before i go to bed, seeing as its like 3 am, and i neeeeed to sleeeeep and itll be rough for me to wake up at all, let alone at 1045. boo. waking up is hard to do. but why sleep when i could read??

still way bummed over the boy. im gonna get in touch with him tomorrow, but im having a sort of bad feeling about it. what if he doesnt want to see me, because hes still mad or re-evaluating things? ugh. i wish he would just talk to me, and i could explain all the things that go through my mind and tell him the truth, that he confuses me and i dont know what to think or say and i dont know what he wants or if he cares and on and on and on. you know. but no. ill go to LI, i wont see him, and ill pass through the days..

im sleepy. only slept like 4 hours last night....

*poinsetta poison rain, trading true love for insult and injury, we washed it down the drain with one silver bullet and two vicodin*
alkaline trio

hi. its like 415 in the morning. i worked tonight, it was way shitty, but work is work. anyway. i made no money i had the worst people *ever* in my station. i got $4 on $65, $3 on 55, and $4 on $41 all in like the same 8 minute period. i was like UGH one table after another of brits or ghetto. seriously, british people need to read that fucking tour book they have on the table, the part where it says we tip in america. i mean, how fucking hard would it be to read the book and realize that our customs arent the same, and that waiters dont make living wage in the us. UGH. i swear im not giving europeans directions to places anymore unless theyve already tipped me, and if it was a bad tip, then im giving them wrong directions.

but whatever. after work kim and i went on our date to the diner for valentines day. we had a lot of food. she got a tossed salad and a grilled cheddar cheese. i got two eggs over easy with white bread toast and melted american cheese, and a grilled cheddar with mashed potatoes. we shared the potatoes. she thinks i should eat more, you know, since i weigh 124 lbs right now which is unsane. i think its fine. ill waste away to nothing. who cares? anyway i got home just after 3:45. did the crossword puzzle, which i only got one letter wrong!!! now im here.

fought with the enigma yesterday, and thats really been on my mind. it was silly, i guess. i dont know. like.. ok. well last week i told him i was gonna be on LI monday and tuesday, and that we should get together. he agreed. monday he sent me a message saying that he had to work late, and was in a crappy mood and just wanted to go home. so i was like ok. tuesday we were texting all day, and then at like 430 i asked him if he was gonna be able to hang out that night, and he was like "possibly, i have to see if i have practice." so whatever, a bit later hes like "doh, i have practice, but are you free thursday?" so i said i'd be in brooklyn, but that i was free. fast forward to thursday. i sent him a message seeing if he was still coming, and hes like "heres the thing.. im in manhattan and i have to fix a ton of lights in this building, and i wanna go home and wash before i see you." so i figured he was still coming. but later he said "to be honest with you, i dont think im gonna make it today. im already exhausted. what do you think?" so i was like "im bummed. it sucks but.. whatever. some other time i guess." and basically i was just disappointed but i guess the words i used made it sound like i was having an attitude, and he was like "you dont understand?" and i was like "no i understand. just cos im upset doesnt mean i dont understand. its my fault, i know better than to get my hopes up." and he was like "you dont have to add yr smart remarks on the end of every text. you want me to feel bad bc i dont feel like driving another hour and to see you for two?" and i was like "im sorry that yr getting the wrong impression, i am not trying to make you feel bad. i completely understand, and i dont blame you. i promise." then a few minutes later i was like "i might be on LI sun and mon, so we can try for then, ok?" but he didnt respond so after like an hour i was like "are you mad? i didnt mean to upset you." and still no response. so he signs onto AIM and im like "hey are you mad?" and he was like "ahhhh.. no. not mad. disappointed i guess." so i said "disappointed about what?" and he was like "i dont wanna have to feel bad if i cant see you." .. so i dont know i was like trying to explain that i didnt mean anything and that i understand that hes busy and that i guess i used a poor word choice in my responses.. and he was like "yah but the 'whatever.. some other time' part sucked the most" and i tried to explain that "whatever" was meant like ill get over it not like "whatever" you suck, but i dont know. i told him that i think maybe he just expects me to be mad, and he was like "i guess i shouldnt let you know that im trying to see you" and i was like "no its not that, why would you do that?" and he said bc letting me know always ends up hurting my feelings, and i was like "dude, you havent hurt my feelings. im just disappointed." he was like "its not like i dont want to see you, you dont think i want to see you? i just dont want to get back into the car after driving an hour and half to drive another hour and get there and have to leave at 12." so like i was trying to explain to him that the things that used to upset me, like how infrequently he hangs out, doesnt really upset me anymore bc i dont have any expectations and i know him well enough to know that he is really busy. and he was just like "yah, i dont want to think about it. water under the bridge." then he was like "im gonna get some dinner" so i said "ok, well have a good night and if im gonna be on LI, i'll get in touch" and he was just like "bye." so i dont know if hes still mad at me.

but part of me *is* mad. i mean.. like when i think about it.. i think back to a few saturdays ago, when he fucking had that dream about me, and had to see me immediately, and drove into brooklyn just to drive me to work. and that day, they were playing upstate and he had to leave at 2. so i dont know, i mean, he had to travel here and back just to travel back past here again to go upstate.. and that was ok, bc *he* wanted to see *me*. but when its like lets hang out and im suggesting it, hes like "eh." plus i get soo confused, bc like when i told him last week that id be home monday and tuesday, he was like "aaah im so frustrated." and i asked why and he said "you know, its like it was gone for a while and now i got a taste of it and i want it all the time sorta thing." so. i dont know. he contradicts himself. just to spend two hours with me? well. thats two hours that we could watch a movie and make out.. and yr talking about wanting it all the time.. but when you have a chance, its like nah. so what the hell do you want? this is why yr my fucking enigma. bc yr a puzzle, i cant figure you out, it doesnt make sense. every time i think yr making a clear statement, you somehow manage to contradict it before my mind can process the first thought. what am i supposed to think, how i am supposed to feel, do you care, do you want to see me, is it just the sex? well. im not sure. bc a lot of the time, its all you talk about but sometimes its like.. 2 hours isnt enough quality time for you to want to drive back out and spend that time with me? then what is it? are you unhappy that you wont be able to spend hours with me? YOU NEVER SPEND HOURS WITH ME. the last time we spent a serious amount of time together was new years day, and you slept a good three hours of the only six you were with me. in august it was 3 hours. in september it was three hours. i didnt see you at all in october. in november it was three hours. even the other times.. i ran into you at the show and we talked for 15 minutes. you came out for an hour to drive me to work. then you came over that week again, and you got here at 850, and you left at 1230. 3.5 hours. so dont tell me this crap. there has got to be another girl in the picture. because seriously, if there isnt, he hasnt gotten any in two weeks, and he passed up THREE opportunities, TWO of which i was a 15 minute drive from him, not an hour.

all i want is a clear sign, even if it hurts. even if you tell me that there is someone else, and that you dont think it should be this way, even if its to tell me that things are over. or if you decide that we should just be friends without the intimacy, like you did in may, you should fucking stick to it. because when you told me that it would probably be best for us, or for me, if we cut out the making out, you didnt last ONE time. not once. i cant remember the chronology, but i know we had the talk the week before the alkaline trio show. and i saw you at the show and it was awkward, but then i guess maybe you came out, and whatever happened, bc i know that you were in connecticut, and you wanted me to come and keep you company.. so something must have happened, and you confuse me. WHAT DO YOU WANT? if you cant make up yr mind, then FUCKING SET ME FREE. im not strong enough to let go without you pushing me away. i have this fucking complex.. and im ever the optomist, and im so hopeful that things will change, and that if i walk away, itll be my fault for turning my back on love. thats why i stayed with nick so long, bc im always too scared to leave something that once meant so much to me. our relationship was dead for so long before we actually broke up, it was dead for a good year.. but we kept pretending, and i kept making lists of the reasons that i should go, and then folding them neatly away into my journal and thinking of the reasons that i should stay.. which were always something like "bc you used to be so good to me" or "bc you used to make me smile." never because you still.., always because you used to.. and with you. its like, "i should stick around bc im so happy when yr here" but im not happy when yr not, or when you bail, or when yr saying one thing while doing another. BUT I WALKED AWAY FROM YOU ONCE BEFORE. why cant i do it again? is it bc i have so much guilt im carrying around from the whole drama with pushing chaz away? bc i turned my back on love then, and now i regret it? nfshtiuehtugysudfsjdkfnaksfhuestgsnfk.

i almost just had a heart attack. it seems that blogger is running all weird and my keys dont always make letters come up on it, so i typed this whole thing into an email on AOL and went to copy and paste it.. but when i hit crtl, i didnt hit c at the same time, and the WHOLE thing disappeared and only a "c" remained. but good old AOL has an undo button and all my words came back. yay.

im going to bed.

*i dreamt the impossible that maybe things could work out right. i thought it was you who would do me no wrong. and now you've given me, given me nothing but shattered dreams, shattered dreams, feel like i could run away, run away from this empty heart*
johnny hates jazz

ive been away for a bit. i was on li. i closed the bar last night. you know. my computer is being all batty. sometimes the keys i press dont transfer to the page. it irritates me, i have to constantly backspace and what not. grrrr. im trying to call kim but my phone is being retarded. argh. everything is being RETARDED!! grumble.

so. i dunno. im sad. you fuck with my head.

*this is where i say i've had enough, no one should ever feel the way that i feel now. a walking open wound, a trophy display of bruises, and i dont believe that im getting any better, any better..
waiting here with hopes the phone will ring, and im thinking awful things, pretty sure that few would notice. and this apartment is starving for an argument, anything at all to break the silence.
wandering this house like id never wanted out, and this is about as social as i get now. and im throwing away the letters that i am writing you, cos they would never do, i would never do. never..
waiting here with hopes the phone will ring, and im thinking awful things, pretty sure that few would notice. and this apartment is starving for an argument, anything at all to break the silence.
well dont be liar, dont say that everythings working, when everythings broken, and you smile like a saint but you curse like a sailor, and yr eyes say the jokes on me.
well im not laughing, yr not leaving, well who do i think i am kidding? when im the only one locked in this song.
waiting here with hopes the phone will ring, and im thinking awful things, pretty sure that few would notice. and this apartment is starving for an argument, anything at all to break the silence.
so dont be liar, dont say that everythings working, when everythings broken, and you smile like a saint but you curse like a sailor, and yr eyes say the jokes on me.*
"saints and sailors" dashboard confessional

ok. so listen to this. first of all, it was way busy tonight, which was fabulous, i ended up making $170 in 6 hours. woo. thats like almost $30 an hour. i had a lot of high checks and nice people. i gave $10 to shasta, they are buying lotto tickets for tuesdays mega millions. then we can all quit! YAY. riiight. but $10 is a risk i'll take, esp when i had only counted on making like $50 at most tonight. so whatever. shasta decides she wants a milk shake, and so a bunch of us went over to the westway (the regular diner we go to). we talked about former employees (bc it was me, jesse, derek, justin, shasta, and kathy.. and all of them except kathy started before me, so thats like 2.5 years of former employees.. kathy only started like 6 months ago, i think she was a wee bit lost.) and we talked about ourselves, like justin, shasta and derek didnt know that jesse is only 19, and i didnt know that derek graduated HS in 99.. i always thought he was older than me. it ended up taking forever for some reason, it was a good time, but it was like 2:05 by the time we were getting the bill. everyone was taking cabs home, so i wasnt gonna walk over to the subway by myself in the 20 degree weather, and i figured i had made so much money anyway.. blah blah blah, so i hail a cab. this is the best part. so i get in, and not only is the driver smoking a cigarette, but i slowly begin to wonder if hes drunk. he was driving so slow. anyway. this is our conversation:
gille: i need to go to greenpoint.
driver: queens?
gille: no. greenpoint. brooklyn
driver: i take the brooklyn bridge?
gille: um, no the 59th st bridge.. to jackson ave, to the pulaski bridge. you know where the pulaski bridge is?
driver: yes. by 21st St.
gille: ok.
so we're driving at like 20 mph the whole way, we get over the 59th St bridge and hes going the right way. but then he made a weird turn and i was lost. he was on 21st St in queens but i could not orient myself, i knew we had to go south, but the only option was to turn around or go through the midtown tunnel, back to manhattan, which is a TOLL on top. so i tell him to turn around, and he is *insisting* that we've gone over the pulaski bridge (nooooo we did NOTTT) but i dont even think he understood me at all, i dont know if he spoke english or just like repeated things i said. i felt secure in that he knew it was by 21st St but he totally got lost and after driving for $12 (which is how much it should cost for me to get home) i tell him to stop the cab and im going on the subway. thank god we were at the 23rd-Ely station, or else i'd have cried FOREVER. i threw $12 in the front seat of the cab (which wasn't enough, mind you. it was cost more than $12), got out and slammed the door. went down to the E platform (bc you have to walk it to get to the tunnel to get to the G from the entrance i came in). it was totally desolate and i wanted to RUN i was scared there was only this one dude sitting on the bench halfway down the platform. so whatever i get over to the G train and there is not ONE person waiting on the platform, which means that i just missed it. waited like 5 minutes and then a train came, but they turn around at court sq and thats where i was, so i had to wait 30 more minutes for it to depart. and i was scared to get on the train cos there is no conductor while its in the station, and there was only one thug looking boy and a homeless man in that car. but a few people came down so i got on the train, too. sat there, read helter skelter. the whole time im freaking out bc its like 3:08 (i looked at my watch) and the train still wasnt going. finally it left and i was freaking out then cos i had like $160 on me, and i was walking through desolate greenpoint alone at 3:25 am. so i called jesse, cos he was at the diner and i thought he might still be up, but i woke him. i felt bad. but he stayed on the phone with me while i walked home. for some reason i feel a little safer when im on the phone its kinda like having someone there..

but yah. now its like almost 4 and guess what? candace isnt home. havent seen her since thursday. you know, she took her razor and her straightening iron, so she *knew* she wasnt coming home at least one night, but she couldnt tell me that she was gonna be out? whatever. im not like her mom or anything, but it would be nice to know when shes not planning on being here. a lot of the time, i dont have my friends come by bc i dont want to wake candace talking.. and to KNOW she isnt going to be here would allow me to live my late night lifestyle, and live it with others, at that. i always just thought it was good roommate etiquette to tell each other when yr not gonna be around. i remember the first night i stayed over nicks apartment junior year of college.. lidia was SOO mad at me when i got home for not calling her. she was like "i dont care what time it is, you should call me!" speaking of lidia, i ran into her the other day, which i figured i would happen eventually, seeing as i live in little poland. i was getting off the G and she was getting on. i hugged her and i told her to email me, but she hasnt. she was a great roommate. i think she started hating me when i stopped coming home, and started spending a lot of nights with nick. well not *hating* me, but you know. i guess this whole thing with candace never coming home is payback. but at least in the dorms there was a security guard. i think thats why i always get nervous when i have to spend the night alone here, bc i feel insecure. im home alone in brooklyn. you know?

anyway. im gonna .. i dont know. i might read i guess. the crossword puzzle irritates me on sundays, its way too hard and cryptic. maybe ill write. imagine that.

swallow, choke, and die.

i cried like 19 times today. i hate valentines day, i always realize that no one will ever love me. oh they'll love things about me, or they'll love having sex with me. but they'll never *love* me. no one. im unlovable.

then i lost my wallet. complete with debit card, license, 3 day old monthly metrocard ($70!!!!!), rutgers ID and blockbuster card. motherfuckers. i dont know how cigarettes will be purchased. i guess tomorrow ill ask kim (ok beg kim, cos shes anti smoking) to get me a pack, and then i can get my brother to buy me some when im on LI. but ugh. im almost 24 years old and im not going to be able to buy cigarettes. i think ill be able to have my metrocard balance protected, but ugh. the person who found it already made a $20 charge on the fuckin debit card. now that has to be investigated (even though i was ON THE PHONE with a rep when he charge was made) and im mad. mad mad mad mad mad mad mad mad mad. so over this crap. so over today.

valentines day should burn, and so should most people. im so tired of fake people, im tired of people who play games and fuck up minds. like im not a person, like i dont feel, like im not human with human emotions that matter and that get hurt when these stupid fucking games wont stop.

i said SWALLOW CHOKE AND DIE. and i meant it.

*so this is odd, the painful realization that all is gone wrong and nobody cares at all.. and nobody cares at all. so you buried all yr lovers clothes and burned the letters lover wrote, but it doesnt make it any better, does it make it any better? and the plaster dented from yr fist in the hall where you had yr first kiss reminds you that the memories will fade.. so this is strange, our sidestepping has come to be a brilliant dance where nody leads at all, where nobody leads at all.. and the picture frames are facing down and the ringing from this empty sound is deafening and keeping you from sleep.. and breathing is a foreign task and thinking's just too much to ask and yr measuring yr minutes by a clock that blinking eights. this is incredible, starving, insatiable, yes this is love for the first time. well youd like to think that you are invincible yah well werent we all once before we felt loss for the first time. well this is the last time. this is the last time. this is the last time.*
dashboard confessional

i just got home from work like 25 minutes ago. at 3 am! i was so mad. there was an "incident" holding up my E train, and then i just missed a G, so i had to wait 25 minutes for another one. im full of snot right now, i want to purge myself of it, but no. my head feels stuffy, and my ears keep popping. it almost feels like when yr at a higher altitude. and it sucks i hate it. im cold and tired and i feel like hell. and i have to get up at 1030 tmorrow to go to work for stupid valentines day. stupid stupid valentines day. i was depressed all night because no one loves me. not *depressed* but you know. so shasta said "i love you!" and she made me this cute little card that said "gille and her future husband" and she drew me (with bangs.. i was like "are you saying i should get bangs?" hehe) and a boy (with spikey hair) saying "gee i love gille!" on the front. on the inside she wrote "just wait.. in time it will come!! :) yaay!! <3 shasta" and she even colored the hearts in and the picture on the front with crayons from the host desk. i guess valentines day just makes me jealous. i was talking to justin and i asked him if they (meaning he and shasta) had anything exciting planned for tomorrow, and he said "well, if you mean not being here as exciting, then yes. were going to do laundry." and i was like "at least you have someone to do laundry with..." *sigh* i think im tired of being single. its been a year and a half, and ive discovered myself and i love myself and im ready to love someone else. i mean.. i dont know. there are some things i dont think i really wanna give up yet, like taking up the whole bed. but at the same time, itd be nice to cuddle maybe a few nights a week. i could compromise on taking up the whole bed a couple of times a week.. plus i guess i like that i can flirt with whomever i want, whenever i want. because im sorta good at flirting, and it would be a pity if i had to stop on account of a significant other.

i think that my problem is in the fact that im too old for boys, but i dont like men. the guys i go for are boyish and immature in a lot of ways. they wanna remain as they were in high school or college, they want to keep a lifestyle of always moving around and playing shows and hanging out with their boys. i dont like grown ups. i dont want to be a grown up, and i cant see myself with a suit. i mean.. i dont know what i mean, really, i just dont think i would be happy with some wall street dude who is only concerned with making money to buy material things and therefore buy happiness. i dont care about those things. i want to be happy with my life and the people in it, i dont need mountains of goods and services, or vacations, or country clubs, or yachts. i want a home and some kids and some cats. i dont care if we cant afford the finer things. ive chosen to become a teacher because i want to be a teacher. its obviously not a job that makes the big bucks (although it should! teachers educate.. and it fuckin blows my mind that entertainers make millions while teachers make like $40,000 tops, but thats a whole nother story....). i think that even if i won the lottery or something, i would still be a teacher. im not dollar driven, and i cant see myself with anyone who is. which is hard, bc ive realized that even people who say they are doing what theyre doing bc it makes them happy usually still secretly hope theyll make it big somehow. like the boys in bands.. (ie 99% of the boys ive dated).. they are always so true to the hardcore scene and say they play bc they love it and blah blah, but seriously, if some record company came along and said "hey, play this song and we'll sign you" most of them would be like "ok, peace hardcore.. hello produced pop punk!" maybe im too idealistic, and i have expectations that are too high. but why should i settle? im not going to, i know that. i might settle a little, but i think that i will end up with some artist or musician or intellectual, someone not working a job they hate to make ends meet. or being something they think they love because it provides them with things. im a simple girl. i need a simple boy.

i need to cut my nails again. they are interfering with my guitar playing abilities. i also need to go to sleep. *sigh* i took the nyquil, so at least it shouldnt be too hard tonight....

*back and forth, i sway with the wind, resolution slips away again. right through my fingers, back into my heart, where it's out of reach and it's in the dark.. sometimes i think im blind or i may be just paralyzed. because the plot thickens every day and the pieces of my puzzle keep crumblin' away, but i know, there's a picture beneath.. indecision clouds my vision, no one listens... because im somewhere in between my love and my agony you see, im somewhere in between.. my life is falling to pieces. somebody put me together.

layin face down on the ground, my fingers in my ears to block the sound, my eyes shut tight to avoid the sight anticipating the end, losing the will to fight.. droplets of "yes" and "no" in an ocean of "maybe".. from the bottom, it looks like a steep incline, from the top, another downhill slope of mine, but i know, the equilibrium's there.. indecision clouds my vision no one listens because im somewhere in between my love and my agony you see, im somewhere in between.. my life is falling to pieces.. somebody put me together*
faith no more. (sooo not a one hit wonder! also, remember the boing-y sounds from that song? soo good.)

blah blah blah blah blah. you ever get tired of listening to someone? i do. but for some reason i can rarely get myself to tell them to shut up unless i genuinely do not like the person. so if its a friend, and im tired of listening, i usually just tune out. this has been happening a lot lately. i havent really been talking about the enigma bc im tired of all the negative things my friends say about it. so i just pretend nothing is going on. and i guess since i never have anything to say anymore, ppl think thats an invitation to blah blah blah about shit i could care less about. *sigh*

oh. and its friday the 13th.. spooooooooky.

so im really sick. have i mentioned this? i hadnt been sick since APRIL. i thought i would make it through the whole winter, but noooo.. the cold caught me. and now i feel like poo. its like the sinuses on the left side of me. the left side of my throat hurts, the left side of my nose is all stopped up/runny (which i never understand.. if its stuffy, how can it also be runny at the same time? what exactly is going on up there?!?!).. i dont like to take medicine, but i went to rite aid before and got some sudafed and nyquil, and i went to the grocery store to insure that i could be sorta healthy in my eating habits. lots of OJ. mm. i might OD on vitamin C. i heard that yr pee turns orange if you drink a way lot of vitamin C. maybe ill moniter it. ahahaha riiiight.

ok. well. my head is exploding so maybe ill indulge in the nyquil and do some sleeping. i have to do laundry tomorrow, since the higher ups will be at the restaurant tomorrow and i dont wanna hear it if i have sour cream on my apron. no way jose. xoxo

im kind of mad right now. i took the AOL poll on what rights should be allowed to gay couples, and i found that 50% of ppl who voted said that they should have no legal rights to marry or enter into a civil union. 50%!!!! like seriously.. im straight, and i cannot understand what the big deal is. i mean, what do straight people have to lose by allowing gay couples to marry. it almost makes me want to boycott marriage. almost. cos i realllllly wanna have a wedding. i dont think i would be able to have enough self control to sacrifice my wedding for a cause. but yah. thats my rant for now. adios.

swimming in thoughts of you.. so disappointed today, although im sure yr intentions were not to let me down. i told you i was coming home monday, and you told me that yr still thinking of last week. and i said i was too, bc it had been such a great night and.. i guess i asked you if it was the movies or the lovin, and you said it had been a while, and its like once you get a taste of it, you want it all the time.. i felt like you were telling me that, yes, this is purely sexual, and nothing more. purely sexual... after thursday i was sure that we had so much fun just playing guitar and actually watching the movie.. i thought that maybe the old days were coming back, the days in 97 before we ever kissed, when every time we were together it was just us hanging out and talking and being silly.. i thought maybe you could have the capacity to feel that way again, but of course i was probably wrong.. because why buy the cow when you get the milk for free, right? and yr so into the sexual part, yr so obsessed with how i make you feel in bed, and how "hot" i am and blah blah blah. its obscured anything else. like sometimes i think that you couldnt live without having me in bed. i feel like even when we fight, and we dont talk for two or three weeks, you always message, you miss me or yr thinking of me .. which inevitably leads to a reconcilliation, and hanging out, and making out, and then bed.. i dont know how long you could go without seeing me before you missed sleeping with me so much that you couldnt hold out any longer. i want this to mean something, i want that sooo badly. but i'll never let go because i have feelings, and you'll never let go bc you cant resist sleeping with me.. and maybe it'll never end. ill always be a sucker for the prospect of a hug from you. and i cant say no to the way you make me feel..... maybe ill go crazy. i think im already there.

aaaaah. nothing going on, really. i watched one tree hill with candace.. oh my god, im so obsessed with that show. lucas. soooo hot. i totally have post nasal drip right now. i know its from trampsing around in the rain last tuesday. i'd gotten this far through the winter without getting sick, but on saturday i noticed a little nasal quality to my voice, and i woke up this morning with post nasal drip. ugh. im so going to bed early to battle this oncoming disease. fuck the cold, i will not fall victim! i'll take a stand! maybe i'll even get some orange juice in the morning. maybe.

i went to rutgers today. that was good times. i read the index of like 10 volumes of hamilton's papers, and i got nowhere. im starting to freak out. what if i cant find enough information? i also had a bunch of books delivered from the new brunswick library.. they should be in by next week i guess.. it was a way boring day for me. i did read a lot of my book though. last night i read like 100 more pages, and today i read on the train. i might go read again in a wee bit.

i didnt hear back from the enigma today. sometimes i wonder if my phone really doesnt give me my messages, or if he just pretends. i mean.. i dont get mesages from kim sometimes, and last thursday he sent a few messages i didnt get that he asked about when he got here, like "did you get my message about the snow?" which i didnt, and he was like "yah, its gonna snow, so i kinda wanna be home before it starts." who knows. it doesnt matter, anyway. im destined to be alone until i get over this. im so wishy washy a lot of the time. i think i just go through moments of doubt and moments of hope. maybe its because im crazy. this is way likely.

ok. thats about all i have to say. xo.

im cold. bundled up under blankets, chatting with my friend katie. shes one of my favorite people in the world. we met when we were 16, we both worked at mcdonalds. she lived around me, but went to catholic school way the fuck out in nassau, like in wantagh or something. but yah, so we worked together for a while, and we weren't friends(we werent NOT friends, we just didnt know each other from school, and never talked), and then one day, we were both going into the happy meal bin at the same time, we had this little plush animals, and she grabbed my hands and sung "dont cry for me argentina" and we were instantly friends. she stole a yak from the happy meal bin for me, and her mom drove me home from work. we bonded over matt leis, and smoked a cigarette together. she yelled at me for smoking. i never smoked until like june 97. she came to hs with me for senior year and we always had lunch at the diner.. pizza bagel and a coke no ice. sometimes we went to wendys with rich and sal. she and i stayed really close, even after i went away to college, she comes over my moms house for all the holidays.. and im way excited to move home and be full time friends again. we have such zany memories.. she and i would drive aimlessly in the tercel (her first car), in the middle of winter with the heat cranked up and the windows open, in t-shirts, smoking butts and listening to the backstreet boys, laughing. we went on missions to find bizarre historical sites, we found the gristmill. she was my spice girl, always dressed with style and me being the girl who looked like a mechanic. we always planned that we'd go to school at LIU, and get an apartment and a cat. but i went to pace and she went to suffolk, and now she lives with her man. and shes not my spice girl, shes my workaholic in sweats. shes my k bob, a total LI girl, who wont leave LI and will always be in sweat pants and have a cigarette, and will frequent darts bars. i havent seen her in make up in years. i love her for this. she is one of the realest people i know. most real. whatever. shes just blunt and honest and laid back. she is already planning for retirement. shes down to earth and future oriented. shes already saving to buy a house with dennis. there was this one time, when i was a freshman in college.. i told her that i smoked weed and she was soooo mad at me, bc i made her quit. but she was like "you better come over right now!" so i did, i told my mom she had a fight with then boyfriend jim, and i was out. we went into her room, i rolled a joint and we lit candles. we put a pair of jeans under her bedroom door and hung halfway out the window to smoke it. then we laid on her bedroom floor and talked about how one day, we'd be having a cup of tea in the kitchen, and we'd have kids upstairs, rolling joints and smoking weed while we were chatting. and how we'd be able to do nothing but laugh and be like "we were you once!" maybe shake our heads. she was there for the keg party freshman year, she always hung out with chaz and i. and when i move home, we'll have dinner and watch movies and just chill. she'll have her house eventually and i'll have my apartment. she'll marry dennis and i'll be a spinster. ehehehe. she says "you'll always have me!" but she actually believes i'll get married first, cos she doesnt wanna get married any time soon. *sigh*

anyway. thats what im doing. im a little tired right now. i took a nap before. i woke up and i felt like crap. i came and watched some tv for a little, then i went back to bed. i slept from 3:30-5:30.. watched some crap, king of queens (sooo goood!), jeopardy!, wheel.. then at like 815, ryan got home, so we went and got chinese. we ate it while watching everwood. then we played dr mario, he creamed me in like 7 games. he left around 11.. watched more tv.. now talking to katie. boring night. i talked to the enigma for a second, apparently he sent me a message this morning before i even sent him one, only i didnt get it. he told me about his weekend, and i asked him some things, but he didnt respond so im assuming one of us didnt get the message. or maybe he was with a girl. maybe the girl. no no no. they arent together, ive thoroughly convinced myself. on saturday maybe ill send him a message.. "wanna be my valentine? hehe" that way it looks like im kinda maybe kidding a little so it wont hurt so much to be rejected.

blah. no more negative mindset. im all about thinking positive and making things happen. this is all i require from him anyway, so i can just pretend we are an us. cos even if he was my boyfriend, this is probably all i could give him, what with working and school and all that jazz.. im going home on monday so im wayyy hoping i can run into him. maybe he can come over or something. i wanna give him something i got on eBay! i swear this is all i think about lately, how i can see him again, when we'll have mutual time.. i hope hes not going to a show on monday or something. i wanna let him know ill be there, but i wanna see him saturday so i dont wanna project that far, not that ill see him saturday cos hes gonna be busy or something.. see. this is all i do. when i sit here and type out a stream of consciousness, its all babble about this boy that sounds so desperate. i feel like anyone who happens across this thing must think im crazy or stupid for being strung along for so long. but i am ruled by my heart, and thats the problem. *SIGH*

my knees hurt more than usual tonight. i wish i had the step stool so i could put my feet up, but i think its in candace's room and she is asleep. i wanted to cry when i went to get it and it wasnt there. im not tired enough to go to bed. maybe ill go read in bed. its probably warmer in there, and there is no one to talk to on here..

ok. sweet dreams..

im soo failing my horoscope today. i got up at 12:45, and i lost my bid on eBay.. if i'd gotten up like 15 minutes earlier, i'd have been up in time to bid again. but the same thing is in auction from another seller, and that auction ends at 8:15pm, so i'll be on top of that. i was thinking i should have probably waited till the last minute to bid.. cos its just a magazine and i dont think i should be bidding more than like $3 for it.

i feel like crap, sort of. i wanna crawl back into my bed. my belly is bothering me, and im really groggy. my head feels heavy. i think i slept like 9 hours.. not too many. i went to bed at 3ish.. i dont remember looking at the clock, though i might have. i know i listened to the swiss army romance, and the last song i remember hearing was "again i go unnoticed" which is towards the end of the cd. i know this, bc i remember thinking "well, its almost over, gonna have to start over." i had a little bit of trouble falling asleep due to the fact that i was a) reading helter skelter, b) watched that scary movie with the enigma the other day, which wasnt really scary, but when i closed my eyes, i'd see the scary monster people, and c) candace wasnt home. so maybe i fell asleep by 3:45? i had my alarm set for 9:25am, bc thats when i thought my auction ended (but it was PST, so i really had till 1230).. i dont remember it going off. i figure it must have, since i had my cell set, and the little alarm icon isnt there anymore. weird. i woke up around 8:30, and then again at 11.. then i finally woke up for good around 1230. so about 9 hours.

anyway. i sent the enigma a message. havent heard from him. boo. but thats ok, hes not my man, i dont need him to respond. time for crossing over.. maybe ill come back later.

my horoscope for february 9.. tomorrow..

***Today is a very important day for you, gille. For a few months now, some profound changes have been going on inside of you. If you want to continue in this personal development, it's time to choose a new direction for your life. Because, if you don't, someone else may do it for you! Take control of your life, you have all the strength you need now.***

i've been waiting for this moment for all my life.....

sunday again....

twenty-eight degrees. why cant it be summer already? it got up to 43 today, but im thinking it felt colder than that with wind, cos in my mind, 43 should be t-shirt weather right now. the other day i looked up weather averages, and average for february is 34.. march is 41, april is 52. i cannot wait for april.

speaking of april.. my last nyc birthday is april 4. i wanted to go out and celebrate on the third, but i dont think i'm gonna anymore. i gave up drinking, and no one is going to be here, anyway. the saints are probably going to be on tour (but then they are all talk.. they could never go on tour, so maybe they will be here), the enigma is going to be on tour in canada. i kept hoping that he wouldnt be going away til later, cos i knew they were planning a canadian tour in april, but when i saw him thursday he said they'd be gone from april 2-10, and on the 4th they would be in quebec. boo. it was kinda funny, cos i was like "yah, french canadians suck, they dont tip." so he said "i guess i shouldnt dance then" and i was like "yah, dance hard and hit a lot of people" and he was like "i meant stripping.." so i said "oooh can i come?" hehe. but yah.. i could do something with the girls, but its just a birthday.. jesse wanted to do some mutual bash, but.. yah im way against having a chevy's extravaganza. its just a birthday. maybe i'll go to long island.

we have no hot water right now. i want to shower so bad. i feel gross. i took a nap before, and i woke up at like 10:40, got my towel and got ready and BAM! ice cold water coming out of the faucet. argh.

anyway snl just started so i shall dedicate my attention to it..

*and you hold me... like you'll never let me go*

*i miss you i miss you i miss you
i miss you i miss you i miss you so much
but how how many times can i walk away and wish "if only..."
but how many times can i talk this way and wish "if only..."
keep on making the same mistake
keep on aching the same heartbreak
i wish "if only..."
but "if only...."
is a wish too late...*
the cure.

i cannot explain how many times i thought about you today, how many times you crept into my mind and crawled up into a little ball, sitting firmly in the front of my brain. i tried not to, i did. i tried to distract myself.. for the first hour and i half i was awake, i resisted sending you a message. but 1130 came and i had nothing to do, i was just standing in the side station at work and bam. "cant stop thinking about thursday..." and i didnt expect you to respond, bc its saturday and i rarely hear from you on weekends. but an hour later there you are, saying "yea. the movie was really good huh? and the red head was hot, right? hehe. really. the night just felt so good." and im like I KNOW!! has it clicked in yr head yet? you.belong.with.me. you know, from chasing amy. i keep thinking of when i can see you again, i keep imagining little scenarios, where you call me to see me right now, or where you want to see me saturday.. and reasons for me to have to go to LI so i can hopefully see you there. seriously. i need to stop thinking. i think thats the only way ill stop thinking about you, if i stop thinking all together..

*forever and a day, forever and a day is all i have to offer you.. forever and a day, forever and a day ill wait right here for yr return.. id run for miles and miles and miles, id run for days to see you smile, just to see you smile* inside

blah, work. they have a new system of closing, and now they cut from he back instead of cutting evens. which sucks. i mean it was ok bc i made $92 (on a very slow night.. my sales were only $704).. and i made a bulk of it after evens would have been cut.. and i was an even. but i felt bad bc now no one gets to pick up extra tables. the money time is gone. i mean, it was only anita, and i didnt mind not letting her make my money (haha) but still. and i have to be back there at 11am. ugh.

so i dont know. nothing siginificant happened today. i miss the enigma already (nothing new). i sent him a message this morning saying i hoped he wasnt too tired, and he sent me a response, saying he hoped i was smiling. then i sent him a messahe at like 130 when i was leaving work, saying "its late, and yr probably asleep, but im thinking of you, and i hope yr having sweet dreams and happy. xoxo" and he reponded that he was actually driving home, and that my message was sweet. and he said again that he hoped i was smiling, so i said "i am now that i heard from you. i hope yr smiling, too, bc you werent when i left yesterday" and he was like "no silly i was def smiling." *sigh*

just wanna curl up with you..

i tried to sleep as long as possible.. but i kept having dreams that made me feel so good, and i'd wake up, and reality would set it. in my dreams you kissed me and you knew that i wanted to be with you, and you wanted to be with me. it was just us, being an us and being happy. and that cannot exist outside of sleep for me. i cried a bit ago. i havent cried in so long. and i still want to.. i mean, i kinda teared up on the PATH yesterday, because i finished death of a salesman, and it made me sad.. and i *always* cry in books.. i guess i should know better than to read the end of that play on the train, but i concealed my tears well. but i havent cried, like laid there and *cried* in a while, and now i dont know. i dont want to be sad. i keep thinking that i need to tell you to let me go, and stop seeing me, and stop letting me believe that in time, this could all change. because it WONT. you dont want me. you have to let go. you have to let go. you have to let go. you have to let go. you have to let go....... because i cant.

tonight.. so bizarre. i dont really know what to make of it. i mean. he got here, and i was really excited to see him.. we went to blockbuster and rented wrong turn bc bring it on again was sold out (!!!!!!!!!). we played guitar which was fun then we put on the movie. and we actually watched it. we cuddled and watched the movie. i was way drawn into it. it was totally a rip off of an episode of x-files, without the x-filesy stuff, like no FBI involvement. then whatever happened and i guess i just fell flat. like things were awesome, making out was really good. i think i guess ive finally given up on us. and that kinda hurts.. because i want to hold onto this dream that someday we'll be together, but its less and less tangible. and tonight was really hard, because we did have a good time the whole time, and i would really love for that to be the us.. but it isnt. the us is what takes place afterward. i dont know. we talked for a little while, and i was like "i think you should just play until yr through playing." he said that he wanted to be a teacher if he had to have a real job.. and i was like "you could totally do that whenever yr ready" but i dont know, he made excuses. then we sort of argued over bands that sell out. cos he likes against me!'s latest cd, and i dont. he was like "they used to be like an acoustic band" and i was like "yah, they used to be anarchopunk." he defended them, and said that they felt like writing something different. and he was like "is it cos they signed to fat?" and i was like no. i dont know. it was just weird, we actually argued about something. then he said that the only way theyd keep playing when theyre old is if they were like blink 182.. and i was like "really?!" and he said "yah, if we want to make money, its not gonna be in hardcare. it only makes it if its poppy. everything has a hook." i guess i just didnt expect that from him. we usually share a lot of the same opinions. i felt miles away from him tonight after that. because that conversation turned into good charlotte, and then i was telling him about how kim and i went to urban outfitters and mocked people, and it just felt weird. but he did tell me that he wouldnt like me anymore if i turned hipster, so we still have something in common.. but he wasnt especially cuddly, which was weird, he said it was because he was thinking about leaving and he didnt wanna be too cozy cos he'd fall asleep (which is probably true).. so he got up, and i walked him to the car, where he gave me the worst hug ever. and i called him on it. i was like "that might actually have been the weakest hug you have ever given me." he said he was just in a weird mood.. and i was like "what did i do wrong?" and he said nothing, that it was just a weird mood.. i dunno though. he hugged me again, this time it was a really good hug, then i kissed him.. and he kissed me a bunch of times. he just sent me a message that he was home, and he said thanks for everything, and that he had a really good time.. but i dont know. im in this weird mood now, im really bummed. i wish that things were how they were when it was fresh and new and .. i dont know. when i still had hope for a future. when i still had the delusion that he had feelings for me. he hasnt spent the night in forever. we havent woken up together since the first week of june. i asked him about that slumber party he promised me last month, and he said he didnt think he would be able to have a sleepover for a while, bc of his moms broken ankle. i think he just doesnt feel like he has to anymore.. because the illusion os over. maybe this is just temporary. maybe tomorrow ill wake up and ill still be in love.. i guess ive felt like this before, and ive recovered from it with feelings as strong as before. i just dont understand how this happened.. my last post was crazy happy and excited to see him, and he seemed way excited to see me.. and now im just flat and alone.

*..[your] smell, it lingers in my sheets and in my shirts. it teases my memory, from time to time..* grade

*ive waited hours for this, ive made myself so sick, i wish i had stayed asleep today.. i never thought this day would end, i never thought tonight could ever be this close to me.. just try to see in the dark, just try to make it work, to feel the fear before you're here.. i make the shapes come much too close, i pull my eyes out, hold my breath and wait until i shake..* the cure.

so close, so close, so close. watching the king of queens so as to be a wee bit distracted from the excitement that is practically crippling me right now. seriously. my belly is erupting, i havent been able to eat all day. my nerves are fraying on both ends. i cleaned my room. i cleaned the living room. i straightened the bathroom. i did NOT do the dishes. i see no reason to do them, because it will take me a little while and ill be bored and they are gross right now. i should wash the not so gross ones, and soak the pot full of refried beans crud that candace left in there since like sunday. maybe after i take a shower. cos im sure ill still be full of nervous energy at that point. im trying to wait as long as possible before i get in the shower. he said he would probably leave his house at like 7. which means 7:30. im still freaking out that something will come up, and at the last minute he will bail. but i have faith right now, because he is the one who reminded *me* this morning, at 10:19. so there. and he asked if he should pick up the movie, which is going to be bring it on again, bc its been our joke since i saw the commercial about a month again. i said he could, or we could rent it when he gets here. we shall see. he is online right now. i am under away message guise, however. my phone is not vibrating with messages today, i have had to check the wireless web every so often.. i think ive used like 500 minutes today just checking.

AAH! AAH! AAH! seriously, right now all i want to do is run around my apartment screaming. only its way too small to allow that, and besides it would be outrageous of me. so instead i sit here and type aimlessly, bc then my fingers are kind of running around the keyboard. AAAAAH! what the hell is wrong with me? why do i get like this and freak out and all this stuff? oh.my.god.oh.my.god.oh.my.god. OH MY GOD. what am i going to wear? i hate all my clothes right now. why do i even care? its just clothes. im cold. the heat just came on. maybe im just cold bc im FREAKING OUT. candace is going to the movies with mark. she wanted to sleep elsewhere tonight, but i guess mark was the only person who was free, and she said she cant sleep at his place anymore bc he smokes in his bathroom and there is no ventilation and it makes her sinuses hurt. i did not ask her not to be home though, so its all good. i have to listen carefully for the pitter patter of her boots coming up the stairs, though. and the key in the door. and remember that shes coming and could walk in at anytime. so the couch has to remain super make out free until she is home and safe in her room. blah blah blah blah blah. remember he said he was gonna leave around 7? well hes still on AIM. cmon dude. i cant wait. im like freaking out, remember? remember? REMEBER? yah.. dude, you gotta sign off and be on yr way. its 6:53. i guess he said he was gonna wait till his sister came over to leave. so maybe she's not there yet. maybe maybe maybe maybe maybe. i also thought i would get in the shower at 7, but i refuse to go in there until he signs off, so at least i can kinda think he might be on his way.

ok. this has become painful. im stopping now. wish me luck, i might be back in a little while, all sad and distraught with news that he has failed me and im never speaking to him again........

*and i dont need to be yr only one, i dont need yr confidence, i just want you with me.. stay, stay, stay with me. stay, stay with me.. oh, and dont you ever run away from me.. stay, stay with me..* coal

february kind of freaks me out, especially on a leap year. february 29th is like this crazy day that only exists every fourth year. i knew a girl in college who was born on feb 29.. her name was margaret, and she was from hong kong and spoke with a hot british accent. im kind of a fan of the british accent. ive grown to hate it recently due to the influx of britons that dont tip at the workplace.

i failed at getting up early this morning. i woke up 10:30 like i was supposed to, but i didnt feel like getting up. i think i fell back asleep till 11, then maybe again till 11:15. then i just laid there and thought about my dreams until 11:45, when my momma called to let me know she was maybe gonna stop by chevys and say hi. i risked the shower, and i told ryan that if i wasnt back in 30 minutes, to call 911.. then i played guitar and talked to ryan and jesse on aim. now im watching crossing over. YAY. i have to leave for work at 4, but im enjoying having gotten up and wasted my day doing things that make me happy, instead of just getting up and going to work. i didnt do anything productive, so i kinda wasted the day, but like.. in my eyes it as a day well spent.

i heard from the enigma, and he mentioned tomorrow! so im kinda psyched. i told him that candace might be staying in the city, so the couch should be free.. mmm watch a movie and make out. so good. he was like "sweet, thats gonna be awesome" so yay. im getting my hopes up. i have to stop. ugh, must convince myself that he will fail.. cos then ill be ready for it, instead of crushed tomorrow.......

*theres sometimes im so tired, and i feel i can sleep all the day, yes i lack a little motivation, but i wake up sometimes and i see that the sun really shines, but i have a couple of reservations now, cos i think i feel a little strangley today, yes i think i feel a little a spark, hey a little jump start. never will regret this, i never will, never will, never will regret this. never will regret this, i never will, never will, never will regret this. well i feel this today, and im not scared to say im afraid, yes i have coupla hesitations, and ill open the door and ill wonder if she might come in, but do you really need an invitation now.. cos i think i feel a little something today, yes i think i feel a little spark, hey a little jump start. never will forget this, i never will, never will, never will forget this. never will forget this, i never will, never will, never will forget this. never will forget this, i never will, never will, never will forget this. never will forget this, i never will, never will, never will forget this.* the hang ups

its actually hot in here. way hot in here. its like we cant win, its either too hot or too cold. *sigh* i got everything i wanted to get accomplished done today. kim and i went up to inwood to look for this thrift store that sells clothes by the pound, for like fifty cents a pound. cynthia gave us wrong directions (we should have taken the A to 207th, not the 1/9). we were lost in the middle of the projects in the pouring rain. seriously, being soaking wet is as bad, if not worse, than being completely naked. i was freezing and i couldnt stop shivering by the time i got on the G to come home. i ran into candace on the train. we went to yummy taco and then we came home and watched some tv.

so, this morning, i wake up at 7:45 bc the door bell is ringing. i was confused, and i was ignoring it, then it rang again. so i got up and i looked out the peephole, and there was this dude there, in a flannel and jeans, with messy hair.. and i was like "um?" so i called through the door (cos i dont let strangers in!) "can i help you?" and he was like "is someone in the shower in there?" and i was like "um, im not.." cos i didnt know if candace was still home.. and he was like "i live downstairs from you, and there is water dripping in through my light socket in the bathroom." so candace comes out of the bathroom, and shes like "i was in the shower" so i open the door, and he repeats himself, and hes like "i mean, do you wanna see? if i turn on the light while yr in the shower, you could be electrocuted. you need to call the super." so we went down there, and sure enough, there was water dripping out of his light fixture. so we're like afraid to shower. candace was saying that she thinks it is more dangerous for him, since he'll turn on the light, and im a little confused. because i think that its probably the drain pipe.. i dont think the water that comes out of the shower head will be electrified. but anyway, i feel gross and i wanna shower, especially since i was out in the rain all day.. and i have to work tomorrow. so i might risk it. he said he noticed it a month ago as well, and i havent been electrocuted yet.. i'll also risk the shower if the enigma is coming on thursday. must be clean.

so, speaking of the enigma.. he said today that he still couldnt stop thinking about sat, and i told candace.. and she was like "did he mention thursday?" and i said no, so she said "you better mention thursday!" but.. im like, ill just give him the benefit of the doubt until thursday. i told her that i had one condition to this whole thing, and i gave him THREE options.. and on the three days when he doesnt have set things, at that.. cos he practices wednesdays, and they are playing all three days this weekend. and, i mean, he picked the *last* day, which doesnt leave him any leeway to screw up. if something comes up, its DONE. if he doesnt feel like driving, its DONE. i dont care. i had one condition, and i am not abandoning it.

yah so. im kinda tired now. im going to watch the rest of ex-treme dating and then think about going to bed. i wanna get up at 1030 tomorrow. i have nothing to do, but i havent played guitar in like 4 days, and i have to get up at 730 on thursday, so i dont wanna be awake till 3 or 4 tomorrow night. i guess i still might be, but.. im going to try not to stay up too late, and im going to preempt being waay too tired by getting up early tomorrow.

anyway. sleeeep. xoxo.

*hey sorrow, where are you? tomorrow just won't be the same without you here* mineral

i was soo productive today. first of all, i got up at 1045. i didnt say "fuck it" and go back to sleep, as i regularly would. i got up, and i got in the shower. and i went to rutgers. i got there at like 1:15, which was actually wayy earlier than i'd expected. went to the computer lab, looked up books on hamilton, paid my credit card bill online, checked how many minutes i have left on my phone.. blah blah blah. went to the library.. i went to the periodicals desk and got the week in review from the new york times. there were a whole bunch of ads for schools on LI. then i went and read indexes, and took notes on the books i got. that was fun. you cannot imagine how giddy reading stuff alexander hamilton wrote gets me. its like a weird elation. it makes me smile. he was so emotional and intense and opinionated and.. i dont know. he was a lot like me. *sigh* but time got away from me, so i had to run over to meet with jan about my thesis. she loves my ideas, and she told me to stop freaking out over my thesis, bc i've been preparing for this for like 6 years and i know my stuff, and there are a finite number of sources, so length isnt as important as i'm making it out to be.. she gave me some more suggestions on books to look at for background, and told me that i should look at hamilton's conception of free labor and the marketplace to formulate ideas on how his theories were incompatable with slavery. anyway. i finished up with her to find that BOTH history secretaries were out with the flu today, so i couldnt pick up my tuition remission card. way boo, because now i have to go back thursday. whatever though, i have a 9am server meeting thurs anyway, so i have to be responsible in the morning. so i went back to the computer lab and printed out cover letters. i applied to two more schools on-line. then i left. i was way hungry, i couldnt sit in front of the screen any longer. came back to brooklyn, went to rite aid for large envelopes, deposited all of my rutgers paychecks, went to mcdonalds, then to the deli for my cherry coke addiction. i came home and watched american idol with candace while catching up on each others last few days.. we watched everwood, while i put 7 more resumes in envelopes to mail out tomorrow. then we babbled about how so many people from our respective homes did nothing with their lives, and still live at home, or if not, they live off their parents who pay their rent or pay their school.. and how awkward it is to run into someone from high school and be like "yah, what are you up to these days?" and they're like "working at the deli, living at home.. not going to school. you?" and im like "well, im almost finished with my masters, im living with a friend in brooklyn, and im working full time." people are always like "thats so amazing, yr almost done with school! im so jealous that you live on yr own!" and im like.. yah. or they admire me for all ive accomplished at 23. i cannot handle that. ive surrounded myself with people who are also accomplishing and doing it on their own.. candace and kim and antonia and bart.. no one is living off their parents, none of us are taking hand outs. we're working hard to be what we want to be, on our own terms. then we watched queer as folk.

im tired. i have to get up at 1030 again tomorrow. ugh. i have another super long day.. therapy, post office, fingerprinting for teaching jobs (in fucking brooklyn heights, which is way out of the way for me and will take a good half hour to get there, plus waiting..), thrifting with kim (yay, i get to go from booklyn heights to the upper west side on the 1/9.. that should take at least an hour. ugh).. we heard about this thrift store in harlem where you buy clothes by the pound, for like fifty cents a pound. we're verrrrry excited.

i heard from the enigma today.. sent him a message when i got up, i asked him what day he was leaning toward for this week.. he said thursday. cross yr fingers! then i got another message at like 4:45, saying something like "what did you do to me to make me not be able to stop thinking about saturday?" i responded that i was flattered.. he made me smile. he always makes me smile. just wanna be the girl who supports you in everything you do.. the girl you come home to and cuddle with and think about while yr away. just wanna be that girl..

*you know it starts here, outside waiting in the cold.. kiss me once in the snow, i swear it never gets old, but i will promise you i can make it warmer next year* alkaline trio

instant message conversation between jesse and i..

gille: do you ever think about time breakdowns?
jesse: whats that?
gille: like, how come its like after midnight till like noon is morning? yr like "i was up till 1 in the morning" right, not "1 at night"? but noon is an hour, afternoon is like 1p-5p, evening is like 5p-8p, and night is from 8p-12a.. why does morning get TWELVE hours?
jesse: well
jesse: we must live with it
gille: i think its unfair.
gille: i think it should be restructured so as all generalities have equal share.
jesse: oh stop
jesse: dont hate
gille: i dont hate. i love, thats why.

i just got back to brooklyn. wheee. today was pretty ok. i got up at 11, bc my mom was trying to make yoda (kitty) go to sleep in my bed. but he wanted to lay in the sun. so i got up, i had some coffee from new orleans. my mom made south beach diet eggs for herself and emily, and pancakes for my brother and me (while yelling "i suck at pancakes!" and then serving us half cooked messes haha, my mother is hilarious). anyway, then we got ready for the christening. i was finishing up, and i noticed i had a short mail. it was from the enigma, "i cant stop thinking about yesterday. need any more rides to work? hehe" i was all giddy about it. next was the christening. i hadnt been to church since am got married in 2000. it was all weird and uncomfortable. but it was quick, so then we went home for a bit.. blah blah. went to the christening party. within 10 minutes of arriving, sean (the bebe) spit up milk all over me, so i had to wash up and then i was cold in my wet shirt.. but it was a really good time, mainly bc i have the best family ever. it was my brother, emily, mom, jay (moms man), dad and linda (dads woman). ok, so we're at this table in the corner, and my dad is drinking wine, my brother is sucking helium out of balloons, and we're all being silly. we took the salt and pepper shakers, and put them in the ballons my brother sucked the helium out of. we lit the sterno that was being used to hold the balloons and the table. we just amused ourselves. and my dad was waaaay chatty because of the wine and he was all happy (i think he gets permagrin when he drinks, and it doesnt take much, cos he only drinks a few times a year).. we were playing with the baby and he was all talking to sean and talking to rob (the father of the baby.. my cousin-in-law). then it was 6:30 and my mom freaked out bc she was gonna miss the kick off for the superbowl (blaaahh) and we wanted to leave, too.. but my dad *totally* didnt wanna leave, he was having such a good time with his wine and chatting. my stepmother was like "ricky! cmon, lets go" and he was like "im talking to anthony!" (cousin). i guess you'd have to know my family to know that we are just very silly people who are very sarcastic, and you cannot sit around with us without laughing. we're all little comedians in our own ways.. my dads just kinda senile and not extremely bright (but the most wonderful man you wil ever ever meet), my mom is crazy (but in a beautiful, endearing sort of way), my brother is silly (he'll do or say anything.. like "i like it when the cat sits on my lap and purrs"), emily and jay have really dry senses of humor, linda is a funny woman, and i have a very cynical wit. plus we all loooove to gossip and make fun of other people, so theres always something to laugh about.

so that was my day. i got a ride back with antonia, and we talked in the car, i babbled about the boy, and she babbled about her two boys (the dilemma of who to go with..). i talked to kim, got my schedule (which SUCKS again).. now im here. i have two crosswords, so im kinda psyched. i wanna eat, but i ate soooo much today so im like.. still kinda grossed out about the idea of food. i ate *that* much. i felt so full that the cake disgusted me. booo, i *love* cake.

anyway. i shall work my brain. i woke up at 11 this morning, so im hoping to fall asleep by 3. must go to rutgers tomorrow.. i wanna leave by like 11. ugh. xoxo

i totally just lost everything i just wrote. fuckin different version of blogger on this super windows program. grr. too tired to re-write. in summary, im on long island, i hung out with my brother and emily and jim all night, which was fun, and i ate a lot of food at applebees. mmmm food. but. i only slept for like five minutes (or three and a half hours) so im ready to go to bed, and hope that i, too, can have wild dreams of making out. im still waaaaay high on the euphoria of having seen him this morning, and im also super excited at the prospect of seeing him again monday or tuesday. i feel like that was the one condition i set.. i mean, i basically said i would only agree to this booty call like thing if he promised to try to come out and watch a movie with me this week. and this morning he sent me a message saying he felt bad that he was running late, and that he'd rather actually spend time with me. but he came anyway, of course bc he LOVES me eheheheee. he told me that his boss kept giving him things to do, and he was like "i was like 'no! i have an APPOINTMENT.'" maybe you had to be there. probably you did. oh well.

you know what i love about him? besides everything? thats hes totally silly. first of all, when i said the drawbridge was intense, he said "like camping?" and it took me like 3 minutes to get that it was like a pun for like "in tents." get it? but its corny and cute and i love it.

alright. must sleep NOW. sooooo tired. goodnight my lovelies.