is it too late to heal?

im cold. bundled up under blankets, chatting with my friend katie. shes one of my favorite people in the world. we met when we were 16, we both worked at mcdonalds. she lived around me, but went to catholic school way the fuck out in nassau, like in wantagh or something. but yah, so we worked together for a while, and we weren't friends(we werent NOT friends, we just didnt know each other from school, and never talked), and then one day, we were both going into the happy meal bin at the same time, we had this little plush animals, and she grabbed my hands and sung "dont cry for me argentina" and we were instantly friends. she stole a yak from the happy meal bin for me, and her mom drove me home from work. we bonded over matt leis, and smoked a cigarette together. she yelled at me for smoking. i never smoked until like june 97. she came to hs with me for senior year and we always had lunch at the diner.. pizza bagel and a coke no ice. sometimes we went to wendys with rich and sal. she and i stayed really close, even after i went away to college, she comes over my moms house for all the holidays.. and im way excited to move home and be full time friends again. we have such zany memories.. she and i would drive aimlessly in the tercel (her first car), in the middle of winter with the heat cranked up and the windows open, in t-shirts, smoking butts and listening to the backstreet boys, laughing. we went on missions to find bizarre historical sites, we found the gristmill. she was my spice girl, always dressed with style and me being the girl who looked like a mechanic. we always planned that we'd go to school at LIU, and get an apartment and a cat. but i went to pace and she went to suffolk, and now she lives with her man. and shes not my spice girl, shes my workaholic in sweats. shes my k bob, a total LI girl, who wont leave LI and will always be in sweat pants and have a cigarette, and will frequent darts bars. i havent seen her in make up in years. i love her for this. she is one of the realest people i know. most real. whatever. shes just blunt and honest and laid back. she is already planning for retirement. shes down to earth and future oriented. shes already saving to buy a house with dennis. there was this one time, when i was a freshman in college.. i told her that i smoked weed and she was soooo mad at me, bc i made her quit. but she was like "you better come over right now!" so i did, i told my mom she had a fight with then boyfriend jim, and i was out. we went into her room, i rolled a joint and we lit candles. we put a pair of jeans under her bedroom door and hung halfway out the window to smoke it. then we laid on her bedroom floor and talked about how one day, we'd be having a cup of tea in the kitchen, and we'd have kids upstairs, rolling joints and smoking weed while we were chatting. and how we'd be able to do nothing but laugh and be like "we were you once!" maybe shake our heads. she was there for the keg party freshman year, she always hung out with chaz and i. and when i move home, we'll have dinner and watch movies and just chill. she'll have her house eventually and i'll have my apartment. she'll marry dennis and i'll be a spinster. ehehehe. she says "you'll always have me!" but she actually believes i'll get married first, cos she doesnt wanna get married any time soon. *sigh*

anyway. thats what im doing. im a little tired right now. i took a nap before. i woke up and i felt like crap. i came and watched some tv for a little, then i went back to bed. i slept from 3:30-5:30.. watched some crap, king of queens (sooo goood!), jeopardy!, wheel.. then at like 815, ryan got home, so we went and got chinese. we ate it while watching everwood. then we played dr mario, he creamed me in like 7 games. he left around 11.. watched more tv.. now talking to katie. boring night. i talked to the enigma for a second, apparently he sent me a message this morning before i even sent him one, only i didnt get it. he told me about his weekend, and i asked him some things, but he didnt respond so im assuming one of us didnt get the message. or maybe he was with a girl. maybe the girl. no no no. they arent together, ive thoroughly convinced myself. on saturday maybe ill send him a message.. "wanna be my valentine? hehe" that way it looks like im kinda maybe kidding a little so it wont hurt so much to be rejected.

blah. no more negative mindset. im all about thinking positive and making things happen. this is all i require from him anyway, so i can just pretend we are an us. cos even if he was my boyfriend, this is probably all i could give him, what with working and school and all that jazz.. im going home on monday so im wayyy hoping i can run into him. maybe he can come over or something. i wanna give him something i got on eBay! i swear this is all i think about lately, how i can see him again, when we'll have mutual time.. i hope hes not going to a show on monday or something. i wanna let him know ill be there, but i wanna see him saturday so i dont wanna project that far, not that ill see him saturday cos hes gonna be busy or something.. see. this is all i do. when i sit here and type out a stream of consciousness, its all babble about this boy that sounds so desperate. i feel like anyone who happens across this thing must think im crazy or stupid for being strung along for so long. but i am ruled by my heart, and thats the problem. *SIGH*

my knees hurt more than usual tonight. i wish i had the step stool so i could put my feet up, but i think its in candace's room and she is asleep. i wanted to cry when i went to get it and it wasnt there. im not tired enough to go to bed. maybe ill go read in bed. its probably warmer in there, and there is no one to talk to on here..

ok. sweet dreams..