Tuesday, April 29, 2008
i'll be yours forever, just tell me when to start
the honorary title
the honorary title
i swear. just say the words.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
i'm filling in the empty spaces where you, you left yr mark.
take two steps back from all of this, remember what you started with, it was nothing it all..
the honorary title
ugh. i'm just very unhappy. i go through the motions of being awake and alive and okay, but i'm not. i am not okay, no matter how hard i try, no matter how hard i wish..
take two steps back from all of this, remember what you started with, it was nothing it all..
the honorary title
ugh. i'm just very unhappy. i go through the motions of being awake and alive and okay, but i'm not. i am not okay, no matter how hard i try, no matter how hard i wish..
the thing is, yr still heavily weighing on my brain. i can't get you out of my mind. even when i'm thinking of other things, you are lurking in the background. and sometimes it feels like my heart is collapsing, like in an instant i'll lose the ability to breathe, i'll cease to function. everything reminds me of you. when i hear the song above, i lose it every time. because here i am, filling in the empty spaces while you are going on and on and on, living your life without me, just fine. why can't i be fine, too? i'm sure you've forgotten how we felt together, how it felt to be you and i, how it felt to just sit together and work a puzzle.. it didn't mean nearly as much to you as it did to me. i was a learning experience for you. you relearned how to be with a woman, you learned that someone could like you. and then i guess you needed to relearn the art of breaking a heart.
i wonder what you would think if you knew that i was really still a mess. i wonder if you would think i was a moron for holding out hope. i wonder if i'll ever see you again. i wonder if there is another man in the world who will make me feel as good as you were able to.
i wonder if you will ever stop haunting me, lurking in the shadows of my mind.
i can't stop replaying that night at yr apartment, the night that you looked into my eyes with that look, that look like.. like you could love me. it was so tender and vulnerable. it was amazing. i can see you, i can see yr eyes. i replay the first time you kissed me, sitting on yr couch, you slumped on to me while i stroked yr hair.. the intense happiness that surged through every ounce of my being that night. it was like life was making sense, like i understood why i'd endured pain and heartache and all sorts of other crap, it was so that my path could cross with yrs and we could make sense together. but you put on the brakes, you walked away from the life i was creating for us. you abandoned the hope, and you didn't look back.
i wonder how often you think of me, and i would be a fool if i thought it was any more frequently than never. i bet there is nothing that reminds me of you, i bet you don't it and reminisce, thinking of the times we spent, watching our ghosts play the parts they played for those six weeks.
if i look towards the door, i see you pulling me onto the floor and kissing me, telling me about yr dream to be a tugboat captain, yr desire to escape to colder climates, visit alaska, visit norway. and as we laid there on the floor, i was planning our future trips to these places, imagining the beauty i would witness with you. we would witness together.. i can see you crawling around on the floor, showing kasha that you were like her, earning her trust. i can see you sitting on my couch, telling me that the undershirt you had on was actually a girls shirt. reminding me that we needed coffee.. reminding me three days before you left me.
it's bee almost three months since the last time i saw you. feb 3. and it's april 27. i hate that i can still see all of these things so clearly even though it's been so long. i hate that i'll still cry. i hate that my heart is collapsing..
..but i wish it would already, because if it collapsed i would die, and then i wouldn't have to think of you, or of anything else, ever again.
i wonder what you would think if you knew that i was really still a mess. i wonder if you would think i was a moron for holding out hope. i wonder if i'll ever see you again. i wonder if there is another man in the world who will make me feel as good as you were able to.
i wonder if you will ever stop haunting me, lurking in the shadows of my mind.
i can't stop replaying that night at yr apartment, the night that you looked into my eyes with that look, that look like.. like you could love me. it was so tender and vulnerable. it was amazing. i can see you, i can see yr eyes. i replay the first time you kissed me, sitting on yr couch, you slumped on to me while i stroked yr hair.. the intense happiness that surged through every ounce of my being that night. it was like life was making sense, like i understood why i'd endured pain and heartache and all sorts of other crap, it was so that my path could cross with yrs and we could make sense together. but you put on the brakes, you walked away from the life i was creating for us. you abandoned the hope, and you didn't look back.
i wonder how often you think of me, and i would be a fool if i thought it was any more frequently than never. i bet there is nothing that reminds me of you, i bet you don't it and reminisce, thinking of the times we spent, watching our ghosts play the parts they played for those six weeks.
if i look towards the door, i see you pulling me onto the floor and kissing me, telling me about yr dream to be a tugboat captain, yr desire to escape to colder climates, visit alaska, visit norway. and as we laid there on the floor, i was planning our future trips to these places, imagining the beauty i would witness with you. we would witness together.. i can see you crawling around on the floor, showing kasha that you were like her, earning her trust. i can see you sitting on my couch, telling me that the undershirt you had on was actually a girls shirt. reminding me that we needed coffee.. reminding me three days before you left me.
it's bee almost three months since the last time i saw you. feb 3. and it's april 27. i hate that i can still see all of these things so clearly even though it's been so long. i hate that i'll still cry. i hate that my heart is collapsing..
..but i wish it would already, because if it collapsed i would die, and then i wouldn't have to think of you, or of anything else, ever again.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
i have become so good at feeling nothing.
Friday, April 04, 2008
so i'm 28. or almost, seeing as it's not 8:14pm yet. but right now, i'm almost 28 years old. eek. it was a pretty good day, however. all of the kids remembered my birthday and wished me a happy bday, which was super cute. KG picked me a flower! jan had flowers sent to my job, which was oh-so-cute. i have the best wife on the planet, for serious. lindsay got me a mousse cake which was yummy, but now i have a belly ache. i feel bad bc heather gave me a card about how we should put our disagreement behind us... which i didn't talk about here. because i haven't talked here. i don't know. i have nothing to say. so much to say, yet nothing to say. it's absurd. maybe i'll update on the course of the last month of my life later. don't hold yr breath, though......
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