Sunday, June 10, 2007
do you believe yr missing out? that everything good is happening somewhere else?
but with nobody in yr bed, the night's hard to get through...
* brand new*
but with nobody in yr bed, the night's hard to get through...
* brand new*
i don't know. i guess i wasn't done. i guess i'm never done.
"why can't i feel anything for anyone other than you?" tbs
why can't i feel anything for anyone that ever feels anything for me? why can i only feel anything for people who don't feel anything for me? why do i still have a distant dream of joe? or kurt?
why have i spent the past two months obviously liking, sort of, over someone i could never want to be with? it's in my imagination. he provides me with affection. it's easy. it's friends with benefits. 45 miles and two rivers separate us. we have no future. but every time we make out, i end up sad. lonely. bored. i sit and i mope, and nothing changes. i'm still alone. i'm still sad. i'm still bored. several hours of affection changes nothing.
things i accomplished today: 7-11. two applications (since i can't hold a job). three cups of tea. ironed pants. cried. pasted picture of sloth into journal.
mike went on a date today. i feel confused. not that i want him back. i don't think. love and hate feel the same. i can't tell them apart. i can't tell if i hate him or if i love him. i'm pretty sure it's the former. in a loving way. maybe it's that i want him to want me. and to not reciprocate.
(my eyes burn)
"my eyes burn from these tears, you think you learn over the years, good things don't last forever" - matchbook romance.
i wonder if i could compose an entire blog entry using only song lyrics. i would bet money that i could. my eyes constantly burn. i think i have some internal function that says "eyes burn, turn to blogger."
it's not like anyone reads this anymore. if they did, they would have quit long ago. since i can't manage to post more than once every six months these days. and really, who waits six months?
remember jan? i hated her 3 years ago? we're friends again. random. i went to visit her in georgia in april. it was fun. i like savannah. too many bugs, though. i turned 27 there.
this is so disjointed.
tomorrow is my last day teaching in the district in which i work. i'm sad. prepared to shed tears. i'm going to miss my kids. i keep pretending like i'm looking forward to the summer, but in truth i am not. i'm going to costa rica with my mom in july. AMAZING. but what else do i have to look forward to? i've gained like 20 lbs in the past two years, so i'm too fat for the beach. i'll sit on the couch all summer. being lame. hating my life. thinking about slitting my wrists. it's just thoughts though. in actuality i'm much too much of a coward for that.
i should get a new tattoo.
i should get a life.
i should get out more.
i should stop being a recluse.
i should get a membership to a gym.
i should eat better.
i should sleep and never wake up.
but that would only be wishful thinking. if i'm going to die alone, i may as well do so soon, right?
my grandfather turned 81 a couple weeks ago. he wants to see me get married. his favorite child's only daughter. i'm afraid i'll disappoint him. he'll never see me get married. i'll never be married.
thai tea blend. i think i should get totally fucked up right now.
why did i cry when mike said he'd been on a date today? why do i cry at all anymore? it's routine. there is never anything behind the tears. i'm not even motivated to turn the tv on right now. i could watch episodes of law & order. dvr take me away.
i wish i had friends i could talk to. i do, but i always feel like a burden. like i'm putting all my sad onto them. they say they're always here for me, but i don't know. i think i drive people away with my depression. maybe i need to go on meds. maybe i need to be a different person. maybe i need to cease to exist.
why would anyone read this anyway? i'm too old for angst and self-loathing. i'm 27 years old. this is supposed to stop by, like, 23. why am i still here? why can't i outgrow the hatred i have for myself and my life?
inebriation and law & order here i come...........
"why can't i feel anything for anyone other than you?" tbs
why can't i feel anything for anyone that ever feels anything for me? why can i only feel anything for people who don't feel anything for me? why do i still have a distant dream of joe? or kurt?
why have i spent the past two months obviously liking, sort of, over someone i could never want to be with? it's in my imagination. he provides me with affection. it's easy. it's friends with benefits. 45 miles and two rivers separate us. we have no future. but every time we make out, i end up sad. lonely. bored. i sit and i mope, and nothing changes. i'm still alone. i'm still sad. i'm still bored. several hours of affection changes nothing.
things i accomplished today: 7-11. two applications (since i can't hold a job). three cups of tea. ironed pants. cried. pasted picture of sloth into journal.
mike went on a date today. i feel confused. not that i want him back. i don't think. love and hate feel the same. i can't tell them apart. i can't tell if i hate him or if i love him. i'm pretty sure it's the former. in a loving way. maybe it's that i want him to want me. and to not reciprocate.
(my eyes burn)
"my eyes burn from these tears, you think you learn over the years, good things don't last forever" - matchbook romance.
i wonder if i could compose an entire blog entry using only song lyrics. i would bet money that i could. my eyes constantly burn. i think i have some internal function that says "eyes burn, turn to blogger."
it's not like anyone reads this anymore. if they did, they would have quit long ago. since i can't manage to post more than once every six months these days. and really, who waits six months?
remember jan? i hated her 3 years ago? we're friends again. random. i went to visit her in georgia in april. it was fun. i like savannah. too many bugs, though. i turned 27 there.
this is so disjointed.
tomorrow is my last day teaching in the district in which i work. i'm sad. prepared to shed tears. i'm going to miss my kids. i keep pretending like i'm looking forward to the summer, but in truth i am not. i'm going to costa rica with my mom in july. AMAZING. but what else do i have to look forward to? i've gained like 20 lbs in the past two years, so i'm too fat for the beach. i'll sit on the couch all summer. being lame. hating my life. thinking about slitting my wrists. it's just thoughts though. in actuality i'm much too much of a coward for that.
i should get a new tattoo.
i should get a life.
i should get out more.
i should stop being a recluse.
i should get a membership to a gym.
i should eat better.
i should sleep and never wake up.
but that would only be wishful thinking. if i'm going to die alone, i may as well do so soon, right?
my grandfather turned 81 a couple weeks ago. he wants to see me get married. his favorite child's only daughter. i'm afraid i'll disappoint him. he'll never see me get married. i'll never be married.
thai tea blend. i think i should get totally fucked up right now.
why did i cry when mike said he'd been on a date today? why do i cry at all anymore? it's routine. there is never anything behind the tears. i'm not even motivated to turn the tv on right now. i could watch episodes of law & order. dvr take me away.
i wish i had friends i could talk to. i do, but i always feel like a burden. like i'm putting all my sad onto them. they say they're always here for me, but i don't know. i think i drive people away with my depression. maybe i need to go on meds. maybe i need to be a different person. maybe i need to cease to exist.
why would anyone read this anyway? i'm too old for angst and self-loathing. i'm 27 years old. this is supposed to stop by, like, 23. why am i still here? why can't i outgrow the hatred i have for myself and my life?
inebriation and law & order here i come...........
it's been a while.
i feel so empty.
i feel so empty.
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