Friday, June 03, 2011
i have no idea when last i used this medium to write out my thoughts. or when i last wrote out my thoughts at all.. life is different. i have had this blog for 7 or 8 years.. i don't know. i remember when i started out, i had all these ideas about everything, i thought i had deep thoughts, i thought life would be different. i was 22 or 23 years old. i'm now 31. and i'm still lost.
i'm living in new jersey now, with who i always thought was the man of my dreams. the man i cried over for months when he left after 6 weeks in 2008. the transition hasn't been easy. we've been living together for 8 months. we fight more. we don't communicate. he thinks that we don't get along. he said he's considered breaking up. he doesn't have any answers. the end result is that i live in a constant state of fear, and of worry, and of insecurity. this insecurity manifests itself in me constantly fishing for affirmation and love and anything else i can put in my heart and hope it sticks. and then he gets exasperated by this behavior. and i'm sad again. he's never around really, and i spend a lot of time upset and scared.
sometimes i think maybe we'd be better off if we split up. maybe i could find someone who could give me the affection i need to survive. maybe i could find someone who didn't try to control me without knowing that's what they are doing. maybe i could find a man who would love me for me instead of getting annoyed. someone who could communicate with me without getting so angry that i become terrified. sometimes i think that maybe i'm better off without him.
but most of the time i don't know how to function without him. he's supportive of my dreams. we have the same goals. we DO get along most of the time, but his mental illness makes him focus on the bad. it's all black or white. there is no middle. i love him. i'm used to him. i'd have to start over. i'm already 31. my biological clock is ticking so loudly that i swear it's in my head all the time, every hour of every day. he makes me laugh. he loves my feet. i know what to expect. but then it creeps back in that he is a little bit scary and that i feel so alone......
i'm lost in a world that doesn't make sense. it seems to at times and then it crumbles, collapses, ceases to be what i believed it was and what it would be. i get these ideas of what my life should be and then i see what it is and i want to cry. i see pregnant bellies in commercials, i see men and women who appear to be in love. and i long for that. i want it so bad. is it even attainable? is my life ever going to be what i've always imagined it would be? i'm so scared. so afraid that it will never work out, that i will never feel right, that i will never belong as a part of this world. and that makes me even more sad.
Subscribe to Comments [Atom]