Sunday, September 30, 2007
i'll get over you.. i know i will, i'll pretend my ship's not sinking.. and i'll tell myself i'm over you cos i'm the king of wishful thinking.. i'm the king of wishful thinking
i'll get over you.. i know i will, you made a hole in my heart.. but i won't shed a tear for you, i'll be the king of wishful thinking
i'll get over you.. i'll pretend my heart's still beating cos i've got no more tears for you.. i'm the king of wishful thinking..
go west .. covered by new found glory
i'll get over you.. i know i will, you made a hole in my heart.. but i won't shed a tear for you, i'll be the king of wishful thinking
i'll get over you.. i'll pretend my heart's still beating cos i've got no more tears for you.. i'm the king of wishful thinking..
go west .. covered by new found glory
still lost without you. not sure how to fix this. i broke down and texted you today to see if you were still made. you said "no its ok forget it. i hope we can have an ok time saturday and not be miserable." then i apologized for being intense, and you apologized for being a jerk. that was that. an ok time? that's ... encouraging. you are aiming low. i'm going to be miserable regardless.
i keep focusing on the fact that you were able to walk away from me. the fact that you never took my side on anything. that you must not be right for me.. i don't know though. i don't think of anything else that's not you. you are the only thing i fixate on. i don't know what to do. i repeat myself constantly because i am a fucking lost cause.
i want saturday to come, and i want you to set eyes on me and realize that this is a huge mistake. that you don't want to spend another day of yr life without me in it. i want you to be unable to resist kissing me, to want me so bad that you can't think about anything else the entire night.. this is all wishful thinking, though, because you won't. you'll probably be awkward and me-avoidant.. at this point i'm questioning whether you will even hug me. did i kill the feelings you had for me with my impetuousness last week? i have to make it through five more days without you before we meet again and my heart is re-torn out and stomped on. a huge part of me hopes i'll be disgusted by you when i eventually see you. i know this won't happen. i'll still be mad for you. i'm such a moron.
i'll get over this eventually. i never thought i would get over joe and i'm totally over him now. but that took time. a lot of time. the last time i saw joe in a delusional romantic way was like feb 2005.. and i only got over him because i started going out with mike. and my obsession with him lasted so long.. like early 2003 - mid 2005.. over two years. i don't want to move on. i want to spend my life with you. that's all i want, why the fuck can i never have what i want? why don't i deserve to just be happy for more than a fucking minute at a time? why can't i just live and breathe and be just like everyone else? going though their days, smiling.. why can't bad things just stop happening to me ALL THE TIME? i've been single for a year now, and i deserve to meet someone who will make me smile. why does that person have to not love me? i'm so tired of people trying to set me up with men i'll have to learn to love, rather than just starting a life with someone i already love with every ounce of my being?
i hate being alive. i hate loving you. i hate everything about my life right now and i'm beginning to be able to handle it less and less..
why can i think of nothing but you? even after i asserted myself meanly, and thought i was through with all this? you are still the only thing that randomly pops into my brain. i can't concentrate on anything. i couldn't even focus on fucking mahjong. had to put my book down because i wasn't actually reading the words, they were only passing through my brain intermittently. why does the new new found glory have to have "crazy for you" on it? why why why why why?
it's 2:21am. i need to sleep because my head is reeling. all i want is to hear from you. all i want is a text message. it can say "do you still hate me?" or "how's yr weekend?" or simply "hey". but it won't come. you aren't going to back down, and i CAN'T. i would have to apologize. i can't do that. it's been three days with no contact. this is the longest time ever.
i miss you so much. so so so much. i don't know... am i ever going to get over you? you said if it was meant to be, it would be.. maybe i'm too impatient, and my impatience led to impetuousness.. or maybe it just isn't meant to be, and i'm an idiot. i don't know anymore. i definitely don't know what to do about this. i don't know how to feel whole. you make me grounded, i take care of you.
i'm so tired. i miss you. i miss you. i miss you.
i'll still love you forever.
it's 2:21am. i need to sleep because my head is reeling. all i want is to hear from you. all i want is a text message. it can say "do you still hate me?" or "how's yr weekend?" or simply "hey". but it won't come. you aren't going to back down, and i CAN'T. i would have to apologize. i can't do that. it's been three days with no contact. this is the longest time ever.
i miss you so much. so so so much. i don't know... am i ever going to get over you? you said if it was meant to be, it would be.. maybe i'm too impatient, and my impatience led to impetuousness.. or maybe it just isn't meant to be, and i'm an idiot. i don't know anymore. i definitely don't know what to do about this. i don't know how to feel whole. you make me grounded, i take care of you.
i'm so tired. i miss you. i miss you. i miss you.
i'll still love you forever.
Saturday, September 29, 2007
by the way. the new new found glory came in the mail today, and much to my dismay they have covered "crazy for you" by madonna. i don't know if this is a sign that i'm meant to be with you or a sign that god hates me. i'd bet on the latter.
6 days until i see you. that is, if 5 days doesn't elapse and you tell me you don't think it's a good idea that we go together anymore. which can't happen. yr not that much of a dick.
6 days until i see you. that is, if 5 days doesn't elapse and you tell me you don't think it's a good idea that we go together anymore. which can't happen. yr not that much of a dick.
are we talking? are we fighting? is it over? are we writing?
hey i miss you...
jawbreaker
hey i miss you...
jawbreaker
kasha is kneading her blanket. my stomach is exploding with anxiety. for the past 5 hours. every day this goes on. well the kneading multiple times a day, really. and she looks like.. the devil when she's doing it. she stares.. this stare that goes through you, as she kneads. my mom says belly does it too, when she kneads, so i guess it's a bizarre cat fixated stare thing. but the pressing problem here is the anxiety. i keep not calling therapists because i know i really can't afford a $20/week co-pay. grumble.
went to the mall today. i'm clearly an idiot because i went over-limit on my credit card. but i did get two nice shirts and a sweater for that $35 fee. helped ryan pick out some clothes. doing laundry now, since i'm a loser and apparently that's the best option i have for a saturday night at 10:36pm.
reading rant by chuck palahniuk. it's bizarre. i'm on chapter 14. have to finish it before saturday since i want to bring it to tom. why am i still thinking of things to do for him? why am i still thinking i'll make cupcakes? a peace offering? are we still fighting? are you thinking of me right now? did you think of me today? at all? i need to know these things, but never will.
10:39 now. time is melting, dripping, it's going so slow. should i go to bed after the laundry? what does a girl do in this situation? i can't email the match people who wrote me, since i can't reveal my loser saturday night. really don't even like the one guy i've been emailing with. i'm obviously an idiot.
joe canceled on thursday due to a protest in washington square park. am i repeating myself? i'm hoping wednesday is a go, the date he rescheduled the studio apartment tour. he was excited to watch bring it on again. if we watch a movie, the likelihood that something more happens is high. is this what i really want? of course not. but i'll settle for it.
10:42 now. 8 minutes until i have to go put the laundry in the dryer. my stomach is a disaster.
ryan says he caught at least 5 dudes checking me out in the food court alone today. i was oblivious to all of it. i'm in my own world all of the time.
potentially going to the city friday night. we have a work thing planned for after work (redundant, but don't know how to say it?) due to the 3-day weekend (thanks, christopher columbus, for slaying all those natives so i could have a day off of work!). i think we're doing dinner and drinks. heather said i could come to the city with her after and we could go look for cute boys. i can't afford any of this. i don't know how i'm going to pay for dinner and/or drinks, and then go to the city and then go to pinback the next day. i'm obviously going to have a $0 balance in my checking account by oct 15, which is my next payday and still 2 weeks away.
10:46. dripping time.
i wish my stomach would settle. it's all yr fault. why can't i just forget you? you stupid, helpless, overweight, greying, balding man? you know. i mean, come one. yr not even a catch. there is something wrong with me. i have a thing for boys who don't want to be with me/settle down. i think i'm attracted to their phermones. maybe it's my self-conscious way of always being in pain. maybe i couldn't live without the constant sadness that envelopes me on a day-to-day basis. then there's something definitely wrong with me.
10:48. 2 more minutes. i feel like i'm going to vomit. i'd kill for some marijuana right now, but that hasn't been an option in a long time and won't be an option in my foreseeable future. maybe i need to make some more seedy friends who do drugs. maybe i just need to learn to deal with my emotions on my own, without the help of recreational drugs.
would it be wrong for me to wish to have some terrible accident happen to me, to be hospitalized for a long period of time and not have to deal with my life or my problems? maybe i need to be checked into some in-patient facility.
all i know is that it's been 36 days since i last saw you and about 40 since i knew you were bailing on me, and i still feel like the same disaster i was that day. and, i'll admit, i cried a little, just a tiny bit, today when i missed you. this is all yr fault.
dear tom,
you know i still hate you. but more than i hate you, i love you. and more than that, i miss you. i'm so confused about everything. still haven't heard from you and don't suppose i will until i text you friday about pinback. i don't know what to do. after pinback, do i just go home? or do i sleep there, even if it's only on the couch? and what about the future after pinback? do i let go of you, and risk falling away from each other, never seeing you again, and really dismissing any chance of anything in the future? do i really even believe we have potential for the future? you know, every dude who has ever said that hasn't meant it. maybe chaz did, but i don't even know. it was easy for him to SAY he wanted me back when i'd moved on.. but. nick didn't mean it (which is good since he was a cock), and joe certainly didn't mean it.. you obviously still had feelings for me two weeks ago when you received my cd. did i kill them with my announcement that any chance of a future was over on wednesday? i'm going to see you in seven days. i've been waiting for that day for 35 days now, and at this point i'm terrified. you won't try to hug me, or cuddle me, or touch my hand in that way you used to. it'll be a friendly day at the pinback show. it will be gut-wrenching for me. my heart will be pulled out and stomped on. and if i was too tired to drive home, would you still encourage me to go, stating that it would be best for me to go home? this is all a disaster. i loved you with all my heart, and i still do. you are the one i want to grow old with. i need you to anchor me, to make me grounded, while i take care of you. i need to explore our dreams together and do stupid things.. but you would rather be single than be with me, so what can i do about it? nothing. you tell me you are torn in two ways.. and obviously the being alone part is the big winner. you say this is in order to be fair to me, but how is it fair, when you acknowledge that yr reasons are stupid and that you are an idiot????
so listen. i'm hoping beyond hope that you will not be able to resist me on saturday, though i'm relatively positive that i destroyed any possibility with my anger on wednesday. please know that i still love you more than i could ever love another human being. please know that you are still my waking thought each morning and the last thing i think about before i fall asleep at night. please know that i die inside a little every time i see nj license plates and i'm reminded of you at least 15 times an hour, that whenever i get a text message i hope it's you....
the thing is, i will love you forever. but i can't do this. yet i still can't walk away for fear that without my presence you'll forget the feelings you have for me. so just stop, and love me, and i can then breathe again and remember what it feels like to wake up happy and get through a day without a massive anxiety attack, usually beginning around 430pm and continuing until it feels like stopping.
so that's that. i truly love you with every single ounce of my being, every little atom of my entire makeup. so isn't that enough?
you know i still hate you. but more than i hate you, i love you. and more than that, i miss you. i'm so confused about everything. still haven't heard from you and don't suppose i will until i text you friday about pinback. i don't know what to do. after pinback, do i just go home? or do i sleep there, even if it's only on the couch? and what about the future after pinback? do i let go of you, and risk falling away from each other, never seeing you again, and really dismissing any chance of anything in the future? do i really even believe we have potential for the future? you know, every dude who has ever said that hasn't meant it. maybe chaz did, but i don't even know. it was easy for him to SAY he wanted me back when i'd moved on.. but. nick didn't mean it (which is good since he was a cock), and joe certainly didn't mean it.. you obviously still had feelings for me two weeks ago when you received my cd. did i kill them with my announcement that any chance of a future was over on wednesday? i'm going to see you in seven days. i've been waiting for that day for 35 days now, and at this point i'm terrified. you won't try to hug me, or cuddle me, or touch my hand in that way you used to. it'll be a friendly day at the pinback show. it will be gut-wrenching for me. my heart will be pulled out and stomped on. and if i was too tired to drive home, would you still encourage me to go, stating that it would be best for me to go home? this is all a disaster. i loved you with all my heart, and i still do. you are the one i want to grow old with. i need you to anchor me, to make me grounded, while i take care of you. i need to explore our dreams together and do stupid things.. but you would rather be single than be with me, so what can i do about it? nothing. you tell me you are torn in two ways.. and obviously the being alone part is the big winner. you say this is in order to be fair to me, but how is it fair, when you acknowledge that yr reasons are stupid and that you are an idiot????
so listen. i'm hoping beyond hope that you will not be able to resist me on saturday, though i'm relatively positive that i destroyed any possibility with my anger on wednesday. please know that i still love you more than i could ever love another human being. please know that you are still my waking thought each morning and the last thing i think about before i fall asleep at night. please know that i die inside a little every time i see nj license plates and i'm reminded of you at least 15 times an hour, that whenever i get a text message i hope it's you....
the thing is, i will love you forever. but i can't do this. yet i still can't walk away for fear that without my presence you'll forget the feelings you have for me. so just stop, and love me, and i can then breathe again and remember what it feels like to wake up happy and get through a day without a massive anxiety attack, usually beginning around 430pm and continuing until it feels like stopping.
so that's that. i truly love you with every single ounce of my being, every little atom of my entire makeup. so isn't that enough?
Thursday, September 27, 2007
8 days that i wish would drag on forever. i'm supposed to be thrilled that there are only 8 days left, afterall, 8 is my favorite number. only i hate you a lot now so i don't want to see you or for october 6th to even come.
dad and aunt paula came out for dinner tonight. very nice. we had chinese. it was good to see her, she's one of my favorite relatives. they hung out here for a little, too, so that was nice. i'm happy that it wasn't like, eat and run. they are going to the poconos this weekend, so i wouldn't have had a chance to see her otherwise.
sooooo.. JOE is coming over. tonight. AHH. i IMed him this morning bc he had been in my dream, and i told him. so he asked what it was about when i was at work, and i responded like 45 mins ago that it was naughty. then he asked where i was living now, and said he'd stop by tonight "quick". sooo i doubt we'll do anything except hang out for a minute but i have high hopes that there is potential my dry spell will end tonight. however, when we were together a year ago (almost to the day! that was like oct 1!), it was a bad experience. i will definitely be putting on something sexy regardless. not noticeably sexy, i don't want him to think i dressed sexy for him! but sexy. anyway i def have my fingers crossed because i think my life would be so much happier and i wouldn't hate tom so much if i knew i had cheated on the feelings i have for him. he's on okcupid right now, anyway, probably chatting with some ladies. which is fine, because i don't give a fuck. he can have any other girl he wants. he is not going to have me.
joe won't be here until like midnight. i love that i don't have feelings for him anymore, but am still willing to stay up all night to hang out with him. tomorrow is friday, i can be as tired as i want. i just have to wake up on time. as long as i get through the day i can come home and nap!
i wonder if tom will text me before next friday comes. can he go 8 days without contact? i certainly won't break down. i have nothing to say to him anyway. i would say no, that i won't hear from him. i'll wait till after work on friday, too, like the evening, maybe even the night. because i don't care anymore! does my insistence that i don't care mean that i really truly do care?
my mind races at about 200mph while i try to convince myself that you are a thing of the past and i don't care anymore. i know deep down i do, because i regret the mean things i said, but i'm happy i said them because the whole thing was useless and you were never going to change yr mind..
dad and aunt paula came out for dinner tonight. very nice. we had chinese. it was good to see her, she's one of my favorite relatives. they hung out here for a little, too, so that was nice. i'm happy that it wasn't like, eat and run. they are going to the poconos this weekend, so i wouldn't have had a chance to see her otherwise.
sooooo.. JOE is coming over. tonight. AHH. i IMed him this morning bc he had been in my dream, and i told him. so he asked what it was about when i was at work, and i responded like 45 mins ago that it was naughty. then he asked where i was living now, and said he'd stop by tonight "quick". sooo i doubt we'll do anything except hang out for a minute but i have high hopes that there is potential my dry spell will end tonight. however, when we were together a year ago (almost to the day! that was like oct 1!), it was a bad experience. i will definitely be putting on something sexy regardless. not noticeably sexy, i don't want him to think i dressed sexy for him! but sexy. anyway i def have my fingers crossed because i think my life would be so much happier and i wouldn't hate tom so much if i knew i had cheated on the feelings i have for him. he's on okcupid right now, anyway, probably chatting with some ladies. which is fine, because i don't give a fuck. he can have any other girl he wants. he is not going to have me.
joe won't be here until like midnight. i love that i don't have feelings for him anymore, but am still willing to stay up all night to hang out with him. tomorrow is friday, i can be as tired as i want. i just have to wake up on time. as long as i get through the day i can come home and nap!
i wonder if tom will text me before next friday comes. can he go 8 days without contact? i certainly won't break down. i have nothing to say to him anyway. i would say no, that i won't hear from him. i'll wait till after work on friday, too, like the evening, maybe even the night. because i don't care anymore! does my insistence that i don't care mean that i really truly do care?
my mind races at about 200mph while i try to convince myself that you are a thing of the past and i don't care anymore. i know deep down i do, because i regret the mean things i said, but i'm happy i said them because the whole thing was useless and you were never going to change yr mind..
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
i hate you so much that i want you to never talk to me again. EVER. you infuriate me. i don't even care that there are 9 days left. i don't want those days to end at all, i don't want to see you. i don't want to be anywhere near you. i don't want to hear yr voice or see yr face or any of that shit. i can't even talk to you anymore. it just turns into an argument because i'm hurting and yr a cocksucker. so what's the fucking point? THERE IS NONE. that's what the fucking point is. you got all stressed and not nice, so i got super bitchy. you told me when i'm ready to talk about something else to let you know. so i told you i was done. and that, as of this moment, there is NO possibility for the future. you didn't respond. so i said "this is bullshit. i'll text you next friday to see what time on saturday." and that's that. i will not text you prior to that. in fact, the percent chance that i even respond to any text you might send is nil. don't fucking talk to me, don't even fucking think of me. think of all the girls you can meet and the magical times you'll have with them. i'm so tired of you and yr ineptness with relationships and yr willingness to cause someone who loved you so much SO MUCH PAIN. you tell me you just want things to be ok, and to get along, and to be friends. well fuck that. friends is done. pinback will happen, i will go home that night and never see you again. you don't get what you want. you get NOTHING. you can fuck off. if you don't need me, then i won't be there for you. i want NOTHING to do with you after going to the show.. i don't care anymore. i don't have the energy for you or the games you have played with me anymore. i wish you would just get rid of the cd i made you, and forget i even exist. i went on match today and emailed back some guys i'm not interested in just so i can go out and meet dudes that aren't you. that aren't stupid fat bastards who aren't even cute. you have nothing to offer me, you can't fix anything, you are unable to even cook anything for yrself. how the fuck did i ever think we could get married, have a family, and grow old together? i don't want to grow old with a stupid sissy boy who won't even make a good father. i need a tall, handsome man who is good with his hands and who knows how to use his tongue when kissing me. i don't care if we are perfect complements, yr fucking useless and i want nothing to do with you anymore.
i hope some girl breaks yr heart and you writhe and think about how great i was to you, how perfect we were together, and then you realize that I'M GONE FOREVER. fuck you, tom. i hate you, for real this time.
i hope some girl breaks yr heart and you writhe and think about how great i was to you, how perfect we were together, and then you realize that I'M GONE FOREVER. fuck you, tom. i hate you, for real this time.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
ten days. i can't even come up with any lyrics because i am so floored by the fact that when i sit down to babble tomorrow we will be down to SINGLE DIGITS. it's like i said, it's moving so fast now.. but i'm sure once next week starts time will stand still.
no contact today. all day i hoped and i hoped but no. i guess this is you being true to yr word. i wonder if you go to text me and then restrain yrself. i had no excuse to get in touch with you. i had an annoying day at work, and i wanted to tell you about it, but you don't want that role in my life so i had to do without. i wonder if you'll text me tomorrow. i would bet no.
but in some good news, heather called me before and we chatted for like an hour and some change. so i feel good about our friendship. woooohooo. we have a lot in common and i am hoping that we can potentially be real friends rather than mostly work friends. go out and do stuff. it'll be rad.
i don't know why but right now i am dying for some of this dessert used to get at fridays.. i can't remember what it was called! but it was chocolate pudding with crushed up oreos on top and gummy worms in it! oh wait, it was called cup o' worms! and i WANT it. so maybe in addition to the cupcakes i'll make some wormy mud dessert and bring it to jersey with me! would that be overdoing it? two desserts AND sewing a button? jeeeez.
wow! 10 days! i miss you like crazy, i love you ridiculous amounts and i can't wait for those 10 days, those 240 hours, 14400 minutes.. ok that's an approximation because really there is a half day of the saturday remaining.. but oh my oh my oh my. i'm anticipating that hug, and it better be amazing. it's all i have thought about for 31 days!
no contact today. all day i hoped and i hoped but no. i guess this is you being true to yr word. i wonder if you go to text me and then restrain yrself. i had no excuse to get in touch with you. i had an annoying day at work, and i wanted to tell you about it, but you don't want that role in my life so i had to do without. i wonder if you'll text me tomorrow. i would bet no.
but in some good news, heather called me before and we chatted for like an hour and some change. so i feel good about our friendship. woooohooo. we have a lot in common and i am hoping that we can potentially be real friends rather than mostly work friends. go out and do stuff. it'll be rad.
i don't know why but right now i am dying for some of this dessert used to get at fridays.. i can't remember what it was called! but it was chocolate pudding with crushed up oreos on top and gummy worms in it! oh wait, it was called cup o' worms! and i WANT it. so maybe in addition to the cupcakes i'll make some wormy mud dessert and bring it to jersey with me! would that be overdoing it? two desserts AND sewing a button? jeeeez.
wow! 10 days! i miss you like crazy, i love you ridiculous amounts and i can't wait for those 10 days, those 240 hours, 14400 minutes.. ok that's an approximation because really there is a half day of the saturday remaining.. but oh my oh my oh my. i'm anticipating that hug, and it better be amazing. it's all i have thought about for 31 days!
Monday, September 24, 2007
call 911, i'm already dead but someone should be caught and held responsible for this bloody mess.
brand new
brand new
the night is almost over for me, i'm so tired but...
yr online right now, doing yr thing, i'm sure. today no different than any other day. why did i tell you i'd make you cupcakes? why am i so stupid? why am i still thinking of you? why can't i just forget about you? why am i still in love with you? why do you have to be "torn in two directions"? doesn't love trump the need to be alone? i swear, if you let me, i'd make you the happiest man on the planet. i'd make you tea every morning, i'd give you all the love and support a person could ever dream for... i'd make you feel like the most amazing man on earth.. that's how much i adore you.
i'm a smart girl, but apparently my emotional IQ is zero. i'm unable to move on from this. it took me so long to get over joe. i know it's possible, since i'm over him now, but i had so many feelings for so long. granted they were mostly early 20s delusions.. and i never believed that he would be the only man i would ever want to marry.. i was sleeping with a million (ok not a million) other dudes at the time.. now i can't even get interested in ANYONE. yr all i think about. i close my eyes and there you are. i wake up every morning and yr my first thought. i sometimes watch my phone, hoping it'll vibrate with a text message.
i constantly say i'm letting go, but i don't. because i can't. because i'm nothing if i don't have hope.
why did you tell me you think it's "a real possibility"? to draw me further in? why am i going to continue to be so nice to you when it will earn me nothing but further heartbreak?
and there you are, sitting on okcupid, probably searching profiles, sending messages, sending woos, trying to meet girls. i've said it before, and i'll say it again... i hope you find someone. i hope you have an amazing date. i hope you fall hard. and i hope she breaks yr heart. i need you to understand exactly how you have made me feel. i need you to ache like there is nothing else in the world besides that ache. i need you to wake up every morning with a heaviness on yr heart...
i love you more than i will ever love another human being. so is it wrong for me to wish bad things and broken hearts on you? is it wrong for me to want you to writhe in the same pain i feel every day? is it wrong for me to wish only heartache on you until you realize that it's me that will be yr perfect complement, yr perfect love, and yr perfect life?
hate is the inversion of love. and i'm not sure if i'm there yet. i know i hate you, but is it truly hate, or do i just tell myself that so i can imagine myself not loving you anymore? but i don't want to not love you anymore. i want to love you forever, for every single day of the rest of our lives.
i'm clearly delusional. someone should check me into an asylum and throw away the key.
forever.
for as long as i'll love you.
which is, to say, forever.
so i am writing my own ending, i let me pen bleed black or blue
and i will color in the meaning
it will be gold and green and true
and i'll learn to love my new discovered proof
i'll be grateful for this day.. i will be grateful for each day to come..
bright eyes
and i will color in the meaning
it will be gold and green and true
and i'll learn to love my new discovered proof
i'll be grateful for this day.. i will be grateful for each day to come..
bright eyes
11 days. i don't feel good. my eyes are itchy and a little bit burny. and my throat is doing that thing where you have this feeling that yr gonna be sick. i don't have the sick taste, but it definitely wasn't comfortable. i'm not happy about this, but i'm looking forward to going to bed at 10. the latest!
so back to 11 days. that's so close i can practically touch it. i'm really proud of myself for making it this far without having a total nervous breakdown. just small ones along the way.. i'm used to not seeing him but i swear every time i think about him i get this unbearable longing. it has been exactly one month since i last saw him. he left about this time on august 24th. and i still love him as much as i did on the day he left. which is as much as i loved him before i went to georgia and we had the talk. it's an amazing feeling, and all i want is for it to be something i'm able to recognize instead of burying it deep inside and pretending it's not there each and every day. i'm positive that i have never, and will never, love anyone as much as i love tom right now.
the routine crap: i was late to work today. i was late to wake up, i woke up when i should have been leaving. i had to shower so i dealt with it and i rushed to get clean and dressed. got on the road figuring i would be a little late.. but apparently an electrical pole exploded or something and i ended up being VERY late. everyone was late though so not a problem. good day for this, since i had a very legitimate excuse. phew. work was ok, not too tough. my kids were fairly well behaved. no texts from tom, as i suppose he is living up to his claim to cut back. blah to that. went to cosi for lunch with heather where we discussed marriage and boys and the dude she is dating. it was fun. we decided that we have to go back one day to get s'mores. on my way home i couldn't resist texting tom since it took me like 8 years to go 15 miles due to the same shit as this morning. i hope it's fixed tomorrow because i don't want to deal with it. anyway overall it was a decent day.
ELEVEN DAYS. ELEVEN DAYS. ELEVEN DAYS!!!!
so back to 11 days. that's so close i can practically touch it. i'm really proud of myself for making it this far without having a total nervous breakdown. just small ones along the way.. i'm used to not seeing him but i swear every time i think about him i get this unbearable longing. it has been exactly one month since i last saw him. he left about this time on august 24th. and i still love him as much as i did on the day he left. which is as much as i loved him before i went to georgia and we had the talk. it's an amazing feeling, and all i want is for it to be something i'm able to recognize instead of burying it deep inside and pretending it's not there each and every day. i'm positive that i have never, and will never, love anyone as much as i love tom right now.
the routine crap: i was late to work today. i was late to wake up, i woke up when i should have been leaving. i had to shower so i dealt with it and i rushed to get clean and dressed. got on the road figuring i would be a little late.. but apparently an electrical pole exploded or something and i ended up being VERY late. everyone was late though so not a problem. good day for this, since i had a very legitimate excuse. phew. work was ok, not too tough. my kids were fairly well behaved. no texts from tom, as i suppose he is living up to his claim to cut back. blah to that. went to cosi for lunch with heather where we discussed marriage and boys and the dude she is dating. it was fun. we decided that we have to go back one day to get s'mores. on my way home i couldn't resist texting tom since it took me like 8 years to go 15 miles due to the same shit as this morning. i hope it's fixed tomorrow because i don't want to deal with it. anyway overall it was a decent day.
ELEVEN DAYS. ELEVEN DAYS. ELEVEN DAYS!!!!
Sunday, September 23, 2007
i can't help it baby, this is who i am. sorry, but i can't just go turn off how i feel.
you kill me, you build me up, but just to watch me break, hey hey. hey hey. i know what i should do, but i just can't walk away
jimmy eat world
you kill me, you build me up, but just to watch me break, hey hey. hey hey. i know what i should do, but i just can't walk away
jimmy eat world
ugh. that's what i have to say about that. i popped in a mix cd from 2005 and this song came on. obviously applies greatly to the situation at hand. you kill me.
12 days. i skipped yesterday because i got home at 4:45am and the last thing i felt like doing was blogging. besides, 13 is an unlucky number right? sigh. wow, 12 days. and today i said i would make you cupcakes. why would i do that? am i dumb? seriously, do you DESERVE cupcakes? no. will i make them anyway? most definitely. vanilla, with vanilla icing. high icing to cake ratio. will this make you love me? ha.
last night was fun but i did not meet ONE dude. went to chevy's, where we waited for lee who was TWO HOURS late. drank two super margaritas. ate some corn tortilla things. the ones i used to eat when i worked there. i'm sure i have described them a million times in the past, but they are corn tortilla with black beans, cheese, and sour cream. so good! but chevy's got bought by some other company and i must say the quality, not as good. but it was good to see jesse who i love and miss huge amounts. i was reading some of our ridiculous conversations that i posted into my blog years ago and missed him mucho. we left there at like midnight or maybe a little later. went down to this bar called hi fi, which was BEAT. i met up with heather and some of her friends, drank a beer (brooklyn lager!) and did a shot of stoli O. i was toasty. but there were no cute boys and heather left bc her friend was tired, so antonia and i headed to penn because i really just don't have the energy to look for boys. ever.
i texted tom today and he, too, was in the village drinking last night. apparently his bar was better, since there was a bachelorette party and "some broad" kept harassing him to take off his boxers for some bachelorette party stunt. since he is the most prude boy in the world he did not comply. but he didn't meet any ladies. so i guess we're even.
wow 12 days. WOW. ten work days and two weekend days. the work days should go pretty quickly. this past week FLEW. i can't believe it's only 12 more days. i'm still torn between being ecstatic and being terrified of october 6th. today i hate tom, but not as much as i did yesterday or the day before. it's a love filled hate, though. maybe i'll see him that day and be repulsed by his burger belly. that would be tremendous.
well. i'm really just babbling right now. i have nothing more of worth to report. so.. over and out.
12 days. i skipped yesterday because i got home at 4:45am and the last thing i felt like doing was blogging. besides, 13 is an unlucky number right? sigh. wow, 12 days. and today i said i would make you cupcakes. why would i do that? am i dumb? seriously, do you DESERVE cupcakes? no. will i make them anyway? most definitely. vanilla, with vanilla icing. high icing to cake ratio. will this make you love me? ha.
last night was fun but i did not meet ONE dude. went to chevy's, where we waited for lee who was TWO HOURS late. drank two super margaritas. ate some corn tortilla things. the ones i used to eat when i worked there. i'm sure i have described them a million times in the past, but they are corn tortilla with black beans, cheese, and sour cream. so good! but chevy's got bought by some other company and i must say the quality, not as good. but it was good to see jesse who i love and miss huge amounts. i was reading some of our ridiculous conversations that i posted into my blog years ago and missed him mucho. we left there at like midnight or maybe a little later. went down to this bar called hi fi, which was BEAT. i met up with heather and some of her friends, drank a beer (brooklyn lager!) and did a shot of stoli O. i was toasty. but there were no cute boys and heather left bc her friend was tired, so antonia and i headed to penn because i really just don't have the energy to look for boys. ever.
i texted tom today and he, too, was in the village drinking last night. apparently his bar was better, since there was a bachelorette party and "some broad" kept harassing him to take off his boxers for some bachelorette party stunt. since he is the most prude boy in the world he did not comply. but he didn't meet any ladies. so i guess we're even.
wow 12 days. WOW. ten work days and two weekend days. the work days should go pretty quickly. this past week FLEW. i can't believe it's only 12 more days. i'm still torn between being ecstatic and being terrified of october 6th. today i hate tom, but not as much as i did yesterday or the day before. it's a love filled hate, though. maybe i'll see him that day and be repulsed by his burger belly. that would be tremendous.
well. i'm really just babbling right now. i have nothing more of worth to report. so.. over and out.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
i want my bed so bad. tomorrow is really stressing me for some reason. what will i wear??? i have three shirt options right now. i was going to wear my blue tank top with a sweater.. but if i'm warm, and i take the sweater off, then usually my bra gets exposed.
i really just want to make you jealous even though you won't be there. am i demented? is there something wrong with me for this? even if i don't meet ONE SINGLE CUTE BOY, i'll still act like i did. so for all i care, i can look frumpy.
i'm going to do the faux hawk, wear a nice cleavage bearing shirt, and my favorite jeans. hoodie. i'll have to try the shirts on, though, cos i don't wanna portray an image i am not.
i'm only doing this because i'm bored.
i really have nothing to say.
i really just want to make you jealous even though you won't be there. am i demented? is there something wrong with me for this? even if i don't meet ONE SINGLE CUTE BOY, i'll still act like i did. so for all i care, i can look frumpy.
i'm going to do the faux hawk, wear a nice cleavage bearing shirt, and my favorite jeans. hoodie. i'll have to try the shirts on, though, cos i don't wanna portray an image i am not.
i'm only doing this because i'm bored.
i really have nothing to say.
Friday, September 21, 2007
you see, yr just like everyone..when the shit falls all you want to do is run away and hide all by yourself when yr far from me.. there's nothing else
when your mind's made up.. when your mind's made up
there's no point trying to change it
glen hansford & marketa irglova
when your mind's made up.. when your mind's made up
there's no point trying to change it
glen hansford & marketa irglova
i'm watching the mexican...
i hate you still. you texted me ALL day today. from 10:34am till like 4pm. nonstop textage. why? because you have no idea what yr doing to me, obviously. i got infuriated at some point, mostly because you caught on to my trying to make you jealous, so i called you on yr daily texts, though YOU are the one who said we shouldn't talk every day anymore. you said yr trying not to confuse, so you would try to cut back. i told you that i don't buy any of yr crap anymore, that you are just trying to spare my feelings. you said "believe what you want but i think its a real possibility at some point. not 98 percent, but not 2 percent either." well. i'm pretty sure yr full of crap, and when i'm drinking myself into a coma tomorrow night and talking to whatever boys i can, i WON'T be thinking of you. but you will know that i'm out there, drinking, looking for cute boys.. and i hope it plagues you all night.. that yr totally unable to function imagining me with hot dudes. i hope it tears you apart. you stupid fuck.
14 days. exactly two weeks from tomorrow. i am less and less sure of what to expect from you. taking a step back, seeing each other less frequently.. does that mean you won't try to cuddle me, that you won't try to get me to stay the night? i already know you won't. that if that's to be the scenario, it will have to be initiated by me. i already know that i have zero intentions of driving home that night. doors at 7:30 means show starts at 8:30. openers, pinback. over an hour drive with a very potential stop at white diamond (where i haven't been since approximately 1999), and it's like 1 or 2am. you can't expect me to want to drive home at that hour. but i'll take the stupid fucking couch, since yr goal is to not confuse, i'm sure you won't share yr bed with me.
the plan for tomorrow: eyebrows (finally! i'm a fucking beast right now!) at 1:30. quick manicure. come home, get dolled up. meet antonia on the train during the 8pm hour. eat at chevy's to visit the jester who i haven't seen in about 2 years. meet up with lee to catch up. ditch lee to continue on to a random bar where there will be cute indie boys to make eyes at. call heather and hope she comes to meet us. even though she called me lindsay today, which was weird. meeting at least one boy is imperative, so when you ask me if i met anyone, which i have a feeling you will, i can say "maybe" and play coy, while all the time knowing i did. kissing this random boy would be an added bonus. getting him to ask for my number... maybe i should have decided on a night out in williamsburg! that's where all the hipster boys are. i don't know how i feel about them anyway. do i want fancy boys or cuties? maybe heather will know where to go. antonia was supposed to do research though. i really can't go home with some random dude because it would be mean of me to make antonia ride the LIRR home alone. she's MARRIED though. i mean, technically bryan could come and like, watch from across the bar. take her home. but not the plan. no boys allowed especially if they aren't fuckable. the goal is to potentially score NEXT weekend. not that it matters since i don't want a relationship. i just want to have some fun. meet someone to go out with on weekends, go home with, and then dump when/if tom comes around. which isn't going to happen, so i guess someone with relationship potential is ok.
i just want to be married. i want to look for a house, plan a family, open a joint checking account. i want to plan a wedding. i want to be a beautiful bride. i have the details already: i want to get married on a beach in the sand, no shoes. i want to have a really classy party. i want this to be soon, as i'm not getting any younger and i want to be gorgeous on my wedding day. i know what i want my first dance as a married person to be (that's a secret!). i know i want a cake with an amazing filling and a chocolate fountain. i know who i want in my wedding party (jan, katie, antonia, emily). i guess i could expand it if i marry a particularly popular man. and i would have to expand it if he has any sisters. i guess technically i should ask my cousin anne-marie, but she's gonna be 40 by the time i get married and i just want my girls. the maid/matron of honor situation will be sticky since i have three best friends. i suppose i'm closest to jan.. and antonia skipped having me as her maid of honor to get married in city hall. so i feel like that obligation has been dropped. i'm relatively positive that she'd hate me, especially if i went with jan because we didn't talk for 4 years. WHY AM I THINKING ABOUT THIS?!?! i'm not getting married any time soon. the man i want to spend my life with is UNSURE about us!
fucking life. i know i've said this before and i'm saying it again: there better be some fucking AMAZING prize when i die, cos if i've dealt with all this shit for nothing i'm going to be one awesomely angry dead person.
back to the mexican.
i hate you still. you texted me ALL day today. from 10:34am till like 4pm. nonstop textage. why? because you have no idea what yr doing to me, obviously. i got infuriated at some point, mostly because you caught on to my trying to make you jealous, so i called you on yr daily texts, though YOU are the one who said we shouldn't talk every day anymore. you said yr trying not to confuse, so you would try to cut back. i told you that i don't buy any of yr crap anymore, that you are just trying to spare my feelings. you said "believe what you want but i think its a real possibility at some point. not 98 percent, but not 2 percent either." well. i'm pretty sure yr full of crap, and when i'm drinking myself into a coma tomorrow night and talking to whatever boys i can, i WON'T be thinking of you. but you will know that i'm out there, drinking, looking for cute boys.. and i hope it plagues you all night.. that yr totally unable to function imagining me with hot dudes. i hope it tears you apart. you stupid fuck.
14 days. exactly two weeks from tomorrow. i am less and less sure of what to expect from you. taking a step back, seeing each other less frequently.. does that mean you won't try to cuddle me, that you won't try to get me to stay the night? i already know you won't. that if that's to be the scenario, it will have to be initiated by me. i already know that i have zero intentions of driving home that night. doors at 7:30 means show starts at 8:30. openers, pinback. over an hour drive with a very potential stop at white diamond (where i haven't been since approximately 1999), and it's like 1 or 2am. you can't expect me to want to drive home at that hour. but i'll take the stupid fucking couch, since yr goal is to not confuse, i'm sure you won't share yr bed with me.
the plan for tomorrow: eyebrows (finally! i'm a fucking beast right now!) at 1:30. quick manicure. come home, get dolled up. meet antonia on the train during the 8pm hour. eat at chevy's to visit the jester who i haven't seen in about 2 years. meet up with lee to catch up. ditch lee to continue on to a random bar where there will be cute indie boys to make eyes at. call heather and hope she comes to meet us. even though she called me lindsay today, which was weird. meeting at least one boy is imperative, so when you ask me if i met anyone, which i have a feeling you will, i can say "maybe" and play coy, while all the time knowing i did. kissing this random boy would be an added bonus. getting him to ask for my number... maybe i should have decided on a night out in williamsburg! that's where all the hipster boys are. i don't know how i feel about them anyway. do i want fancy boys or cuties? maybe heather will know where to go. antonia was supposed to do research though. i really can't go home with some random dude because it would be mean of me to make antonia ride the LIRR home alone. she's MARRIED though. i mean, technically bryan could come and like, watch from across the bar. take her home. but not the plan. no boys allowed especially if they aren't fuckable. the goal is to potentially score NEXT weekend. not that it matters since i don't want a relationship. i just want to have some fun. meet someone to go out with on weekends, go home with, and then dump when/if tom comes around. which isn't going to happen, so i guess someone with relationship potential is ok.
i just want to be married. i want to look for a house, plan a family, open a joint checking account. i want to plan a wedding. i want to be a beautiful bride. i have the details already: i want to get married on a beach in the sand, no shoes. i want to have a really classy party. i want this to be soon, as i'm not getting any younger and i want to be gorgeous on my wedding day. i know what i want my first dance as a married person to be (that's a secret!). i know i want a cake with an amazing filling and a chocolate fountain. i know who i want in my wedding party (jan, katie, antonia, emily). i guess i could expand it if i marry a particularly popular man. and i would have to expand it if he has any sisters. i guess technically i should ask my cousin anne-marie, but she's gonna be 40 by the time i get married and i just want my girls. the maid/matron of honor situation will be sticky since i have three best friends. i suppose i'm closest to jan.. and antonia skipped having me as her maid of honor to get married in city hall. so i feel like that obligation has been dropped. i'm relatively positive that she'd hate me, especially if i went with jan because we didn't talk for 4 years. WHY AM I THINKING ABOUT THIS?!?! i'm not getting married any time soon. the man i want to spend my life with is UNSURE about us!
fucking life. i know i've said this before and i'm saying it again: there better be some fucking AMAZING prize when i die, cos if i've dealt with all this shit for nothing i'm going to be one awesomely angry dead person.
back to the mexican.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
i'm having an amazing anxiety night. as if this were unusual. i'm very unhappy that i have been plagued with this affliction EVERY DAY for the past month. it started when i was in GA and hasn't stopped. i get through the day ok most days, but as soon as i get in the car hell breaks loose on my insides. and it persists throughout the evening. i'm not loving it.
15 days. today there were two separate strains of texts started by... YOU. first was around 12:30, a text that simply stated "cheesecake". i asked if you were eating it, and you said "nooooo i wish" and i said, oh is that what prompted the single word cheesecake being texted to me? to which you replied "most likely." uh??? then i said you were cryptic and you didn't respond. fast forward to 7:32pm and you text me "what movie should i watch??" this is reminiscent of the old days. i said what are your options, and you respond "nothin"... uh?? AGAIN. you text me, then you get bizarre, like you didn't mean to and want to end that convo. you annoy me sometimes. today is a hate day. mostly because i'm positive that you are causing my anxiety in some way. so i asked how yr show was, and you said it was ok. now yr on okc and apparently too busy with that to reply to my last text. whatever. i'm not texting you anymore. i haven't initiated a conversation, with the exception of asking about yr show, in a few days. but you keep texting me. we agreed that either of us would text when we had something to say, but you text me with nonsense. on a sometimes daily, but mostly bi-daily basis. every fucking other day you are sending me nonsense. maybe i should stop responding at all. you don't need me in yr life, and i certainly don't need this. maybe if i just exed you out of my life i would not feel like i can't breathe anymore.
15 days means 2 weeks. i wonder if my anxiety level will be higher the morning of the 6th. i'm sure i'll be insane in my head. it's 11:30 right now, i should be asleep. i should have gone to bed about 45 minutes ago. it's going to be a rough morning.
i just want my stomach to go back to normal. that's all. i want to be able to eat without feeling like it's mush on my insides. i want to sleep through the night. would having you back do anything to change the situation? i don't even know. maybe i need meds. are meds worth it? the percent chance that the adverse effects suck worse is high. i'd rather be anxious than get fat or have sleepless nights. i mean, right now i don't sleep through the night, but i always fall asleep fast and don't stay awake when i do wake up....
i need my bed. like now.
i miss you like crazy. oh, and i still love you. i wish my stupid heart would just catch fire already.
15 days. today there were two separate strains of texts started by... YOU. first was around 12:30, a text that simply stated "cheesecake". i asked if you were eating it, and you said "nooooo i wish" and i said, oh is that what prompted the single word cheesecake being texted to me? to which you replied "most likely." uh??? then i said you were cryptic and you didn't respond. fast forward to 7:32pm and you text me "what movie should i watch??" this is reminiscent of the old days. i said what are your options, and you respond "nothin"... uh?? AGAIN. you text me, then you get bizarre, like you didn't mean to and want to end that convo. you annoy me sometimes. today is a hate day. mostly because i'm positive that you are causing my anxiety in some way. so i asked how yr show was, and you said it was ok. now yr on okc and apparently too busy with that to reply to my last text. whatever. i'm not texting you anymore. i haven't initiated a conversation, with the exception of asking about yr show, in a few days. but you keep texting me. we agreed that either of us would text when we had something to say, but you text me with nonsense. on a sometimes daily, but mostly bi-daily basis. every fucking other day you are sending me nonsense. maybe i should stop responding at all. you don't need me in yr life, and i certainly don't need this. maybe if i just exed you out of my life i would not feel like i can't breathe anymore.
15 days means 2 weeks. i wonder if my anxiety level will be higher the morning of the 6th. i'm sure i'll be insane in my head. it's 11:30 right now, i should be asleep. i should have gone to bed about 45 minutes ago. it's going to be a rough morning.
i just want my stomach to go back to normal. that's all. i want to be able to eat without feeling like it's mush on my insides. i want to sleep through the night. would having you back do anything to change the situation? i don't even know. maybe i need meds. are meds worth it? the percent chance that the adverse effects suck worse is high. i'd rather be anxious than get fat or have sleepless nights. i mean, right now i don't sleep through the night, but i always fall asleep fast and don't stay awake when i do wake up....
i need my bed. like now.
i miss you like crazy. oh, and i still love you. i wish my stupid heart would just catch fire already.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
this is my 500th post!
no lyrics. nothing is grabbing me right this moment. as has been the case for several days now. le sigh.
well i'm fairly excited. i have made a new friend! i haven't made a new friend in ages. one of my colleagues, heather. i really like her. i haven't really been on the market for new friends in ages and i feel somewhat socially awkward. i told my mom, and she said to just be myself.. i don't trust myself, however, to not say something stupid or be an idiot. so i'm trying, probably too hard. but it's happening pretty naturally and i'm psyched. i feel like it's a boy! haha. i want her to want to hang out with me, but i don't want to seem like a desperate kid who has no friends. anyway, today we walked to get coffee and chatted. we have been having little girl talk sessions during our free periods for the past few days. so we went to get coffee, then we ate our lunches together while talking to another teacher, lindsay. i like lindsay, too, but i don't think she has outside of work friend potential. 8th period lindsay conducts her class in the common area, so i went to my little office thing to gather materials i had to copy for heather (she's the special ed teacher, so i need to provide her with everything i do so she can help the kids in resource room). so i made the copies and i was making her a packet when she popped into my office and was like, "i've been looking for you!" so that made me happy because it means she likes to hang out with me. i'm such a moron hahaha. so then we had our afternoon meeting and afterward i had mentioned i planned to go into the city on saturday to scope cute boys and she was like "you have to call me! i'll be out, we'll meet up and look for cute boys!" so YAY. i have to remember to get her cell number so i can call her. we have a lot in common, though i wouldn't have initially pegged her as a potential friend. so i'm excited to have a new single girlfriend to prowl with. they changed some of our schedules today, and i'm happy because now i have an 8th period and so does heather, but she had to switch her 6th so now we have 6 and 7 off together instead of 7 and 8, but we can continue to hang out at work during our free periods. YAY. i just have to not be too weird, which i think i can handle.
i'm pretty hungry, but it's 830 already and i'm trying not to eat this late. i realized i was hungry earlier, but i didn't feel like eating. now i'm borderline starving, but i refuse to eat. i want to go to bed in like 2 hours, so that's the plan. get a nice 8 hours tonight. can't wait.
tomorrow is my friend bob's birthday. i have to remember to text him during the day. irene's bday is in like 5 days, so i need to go buy a card or make a card or something asap and get that out! jan got her bday present in the mail yesterday (it only took like 2 days to get to GA!!). i was thrilled because i had gotten her this family tree frame from things remembered.. we saw it when i was in GA last month and she said she would go back and get it.. so i got it and crossed my fingers that she hadn't gone back for it.. and she hadn't!!! so yay for that as well. she'll be home in december so i'm looking forward to that, and then i intend to go down to GA for passover weekend, which is like the last week of march. i have a 5 day weekend (thurs-mon off) so it's a good time to go, since she will likely be working by then and if i fly down on wednesday after work (MAYBE.. flying down on a work night was so stressful in april! plus it's a million times cheaper to fly out of newark and i doubt my ability to get to jersey from work at a reasonable flight time...)... anyway, if i fly down on wednesday night i can bum and read while she's at work on thursday and friday, and then i can fly home either late sunday or on monday night after jan come home from work.. or maybe i can get a ride, like stay with my grandparents on sunday night and they can take me to the airport monday. that would be hell, though, so i have to figure out the logistics when the time gets closer. or just go for easter, providing her parents aren't visiting.
wow i'm hungry. this is terrible.
i did not talk to tom today. i don't like him very much right now. he seemed to be getting uppity last night, but claimed i was misunderstanding him. i'm having fluctuating emotions dealing with having sent him the cd. on the one hand, i don't have regrets about falling in love with him.. but on the other, i have serious regrets about telling him. because it hasn't done anything. the fact that i'm so in love with him hasn't made him want to be with me, and it's basically a stupid unrequited emotion. there are 16 more days until i see him, which is now seeming more and more like a burden than something i will enjoy. i'm more and more conflicted every day. some texts from last night:
11:18pm "no bozo, i told you i love it and i'm glad you sent it"
WHY? why would you be glad i sent you that garbage? because it proves that someone loves you? that you have the ability to smash someone's heart into little tiny pieces??
11:23pm "i'm glad you sent it. so what if i cried."
11:28pm "because i told you it was sweet thoughtful and you put a lot of effort into the lyric thing and i love the songs and it'll always remind me of us"
WHAT THE FUCK? why do you want to be reminded of us? because yr never going to want me, and this way, you can have proof that you were loved and that you smashed my heart into little tiny pieces???
11:43pm "if it were meant to be it'll happen at some point. you know how i feel about you. i've told you many times."
to which i replied "i don't think i know. goodnight." because i don't KNOW. i know how you SAY you feel about me, but my logical side and, believe it or not, my heart say that this is a load of crap and you just don't want to hurt me more than you already have.
fucker.
8:45pm and i'm starving more and more. maybe i should eat a yogurt. i haven't had any tea today. just three (THREE!!!) cups of coffee. my finances are in a sad way and i'm not happy about it. i have to really begin to follow my budget. i left a light on ALL DAY today so i'm irate about that. but the trade off is that i haven't used my air conditioning all week. i even broke out the down comforter. why am i so hungry?
so saturday night i will troll for boys. i will drink, probably too much, and hope to see some gorgeous men. i will do my best to be sexy and seductive. i am pro bringing a stranger home with me. or going home with a stranger. i need to drown my sorrow in the pants of a strange boy. maybe then i can relax and let go of tom, because holding out for him means nothing at all and is useless. i'm not looking for a relationship right now. not at all. i'm looking for a nice hookup with no strings attached. the dude never has to call me again, i don't care. i just don't want to let another month go by without getting some. is that so bad? dudes are like this. dudes are always trying to sate some desire. for me, it will be stupid and probably make me feel worse since i am so ANTI casual relationships at this stage of my life.. i found out that derek got fired from chevy's, though, so he's out.
ugh i have to pee. i need to eat something small just to quell my angry stomach. maybe a nice cheese stick.
i hate that i'm still in love with you. but i'm going to do my best to get over you by getting under someone else this weekend.
no lyrics. nothing is grabbing me right this moment. as has been the case for several days now. le sigh.
well i'm fairly excited. i have made a new friend! i haven't made a new friend in ages. one of my colleagues, heather. i really like her. i haven't really been on the market for new friends in ages and i feel somewhat socially awkward. i told my mom, and she said to just be myself.. i don't trust myself, however, to not say something stupid or be an idiot. so i'm trying, probably too hard. but it's happening pretty naturally and i'm psyched. i feel like it's a boy! haha. i want her to want to hang out with me, but i don't want to seem like a desperate kid who has no friends. anyway, today we walked to get coffee and chatted. we have been having little girl talk sessions during our free periods for the past few days. so we went to get coffee, then we ate our lunches together while talking to another teacher, lindsay. i like lindsay, too, but i don't think she has outside of work friend potential. 8th period lindsay conducts her class in the common area, so i went to my little office thing to gather materials i had to copy for heather (she's the special ed teacher, so i need to provide her with everything i do so she can help the kids in resource room). so i made the copies and i was making her a packet when she popped into my office and was like, "i've been looking for you!" so that made me happy because it means she likes to hang out with me. i'm such a moron hahaha. so then we had our afternoon meeting and afterward i had mentioned i planned to go into the city on saturday to scope cute boys and she was like "you have to call me! i'll be out, we'll meet up and look for cute boys!" so YAY. i have to remember to get her cell number so i can call her. we have a lot in common, though i wouldn't have initially pegged her as a potential friend. so i'm excited to have a new single girlfriend to prowl with. they changed some of our schedules today, and i'm happy because now i have an 8th period and so does heather, but she had to switch her 6th so now we have 6 and 7 off together instead of 7 and 8, but we can continue to hang out at work during our free periods. YAY. i just have to not be too weird, which i think i can handle.
i'm pretty hungry, but it's 830 already and i'm trying not to eat this late. i realized i was hungry earlier, but i didn't feel like eating. now i'm borderline starving, but i refuse to eat. i want to go to bed in like 2 hours, so that's the plan. get a nice 8 hours tonight. can't wait.
tomorrow is my friend bob's birthday. i have to remember to text him during the day. irene's bday is in like 5 days, so i need to go buy a card or make a card or something asap and get that out! jan got her bday present in the mail yesterday (it only took like 2 days to get to GA!!). i was thrilled because i had gotten her this family tree frame from things remembered.. we saw it when i was in GA last month and she said she would go back and get it.. so i got it and crossed my fingers that she hadn't gone back for it.. and she hadn't!!! so yay for that as well. she'll be home in december so i'm looking forward to that, and then i intend to go down to GA for passover weekend, which is like the last week of march. i have a 5 day weekend (thurs-mon off) so it's a good time to go, since she will likely be working by then and if i fly down on wednesday after work (MAYBE.. flying down on a work night was so stressful in april! plus it's a million times cheaper to fly out of newark and i doubt my ability to get to jersey from work at a reasonable flight time...)... anyway, if i fly down on wednesday night i can bum and read while she's at work on thursday and friday, and then i can fly home either late sunday or on monday night after jan come home from work.. or maybe i can get a ride, like stay with my grandparents on sunday night and they can take me to the airport monday. that would be hell, though, so i have to figure out the logistics when the time gets closer. or just go for easter, providing her parents aren't visiting.
wow i'm hungry. this is terrible.
i did not talk to tom today. i don't like him very much right now. he seemed to be getting uppity last night, but claimed i was misunderstanding him. i'm having fluctuating emotions dealing with having sent him the cd. on the one hand, i don't have regrets about falling in love with him.. but on the other, i have serious regrets about telling him. because it hasn't done anything. the fact that i'm so in love with him hasn't made him want to be with me, and it's basically a stupid unrequited emotion. there are 16 more days until i see him, which is now seeming more and more like a burden than something i will enjoy. i'm more and more conflicted every day. some texts from last night:
11:18pm "no bozo, i told you i love it and i'm glad you sent it"
WHY? why would you be glad i sent you that garbage? because it proves that someone loves you? that you have the ability to smash someone's heart into little tiny pieces??
11:23pm "i'm glad you sent it. so what if i cried."
11:28pm "because i told you it was sweet thoughtful and you put a lot of effort into the lyric thing and i love the songs and it'll always remind me of us"
WHAT THE FUCK? why do you want to be reminded of us? because yr never going to want me, and this way, you can have proof that you were loved and that you smashed my heart into little tiny pieces???
11:43pm "if it were meant to be it'll happen at some point. you know how i feel about you. i've told you many times."
to which i replied "i don't think i know. goodnight." because i don't KNOW. i know how you SAY you feel about me, but my logical side and, believe it or not, my heart say that this is a load of crap and you just don't want to hurt me more than you already have.
fucker.
8:45pm and i'm starving more and more. maybe i should eat a yogurt. i haven't had any tea today. just three (THREE!!!) cups of coffee. my finances are in a sad way and i'm not happy about it. i have to really begin to follow my budget. i left a light on ALL DAY today so i'm irate about that. but the trade off is that i haven't used my air conditioning all week. i even broke out the down comforter. why am i so hungry?
so saturday night i will troll for boys. i will drink, probably too much, and hope to see some gorgeous men. i will do my best to be sexy and seductive. i am pro bringing a stranger home with me. or going home with a stranger. i need to drown my sorrow in the pants of a strange boy. maybe then i can relax and let go of tom, because holding out for him means nothing at all and is useless. i'm not looking for a relationship right now. not at all. i'm looking for a nice hookup with no strings attached. the dude never has to call me again, i don't care. i just don't want to let another month go by without getting some. is that so bad? dudes are like this. dudes are always trying to sate some desire. for me, it will be stupid and probably make me feel worse since i am so ANTI casual relationships at this stage of my life.. i found out that derek got fired from chevy's, though, so he's out.
ugh i have to pee. i need to eat something small just to quell my angry stomach. maybe a nice cheese stick.
i hate that i'm still in love with you. but i'm going to do my best to get over you by getting under someone else this weekend.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
17 days. spent all last night texting with you. my cd made you cry. here are some quotes:
8:18pm "[i cried] like an idiot in my kitchen before i even listened to it.. just reading the pieces of lyrics and stuff you wrote. i'm a baby."
8:47pm "i'm the one who should feel awful because it was really sweet and you made that for me and i ended things for my stupid reasons before you even had a chance to give it to me."
8:53pm "i'm glad i have it"
10:09pm "coded highlighting? like how instead of song titles you wrote a lyric from each song, i loved that."
10:14pm "thank you again. it's the sweetest thing ever."
10:20pm "i like how the lyrics you picked all run together"
at 11:01pm you said that at least some of the tears were happy tears (my favorite kind).
today, 12:56pm: "i listened to the cd at lunch."
the fact that the cd made you cry tells me you still have feelings for me. you wouldn't have cried if you didn't care. was it enough to prove to you that this is all you will ever need? was it enough to convince you to take a chance on me, and be happy for the rest of yr life?
i told you not to be sorry. i told you that it's ok, that i'm ok. if it was meant to be, then it will be. if not, then at least i got to feel amazing for a while. i have no regrets about falling in love with you. i simply adore you and all i need is for you to realize that we were meant to be together.
jan still thinks yr a tool. she said "i mean, i like the boy, but he's still a tool." i agree, but i happen to really love that tool, regardless of what a big idiot he is. maybe i'm a tool.
either work was very busy today or he hates me. hardly any responses. i keep switching tenses.
i'm so tired. i can't believe he brought the cd in the car to work today. and that he spent his lunch hour listening to it... he has to love me. or else he wouldn't be torturing himself by listening to it whenever he had the chance.. i can't figure out this man.
17 more days. 17! tomorrow it will be 16. at the end of the week, only two weeks will remain. this is amazing. i'm barreling towards seeing you again. i got some buttons and a needle and thread. every time you put yr stupid green day shirt on, you will know, even if you don't think of it, that i sewed that button for you. i am not going to be able to sleep on october 5th. i'm going to want to sleep until the last possible moment, so i don't have to deal with the stress of waiting to see you. i wonder what time you are going to want me there. i hope it's early. i just want to spend as much time as possible with you... you have 17 more days to realize that yr heart should belong to me. all i can think about is how i hope my cd showed you my heart and that yr ready to accept it. will you want to cuddle with me? should i just go and lay on you when you sit on the couch?
my heart is beating every day, and it's beating yr name. my heart is bursting for you. i can't wait to scoop you in my arms and to feel at home again.
8:18pm "[i cried] like an idiot in my kitchen before i even listened to it.. just reading the pieces of lyrics and stuff you wrote. i'm a baby."
8:47pm "i'm the one who should feel awful because it was really sweet and you made that for me and i ended things for my stupid reasons before you even had a chance to give it to me."
8:53pm "i'm glad i have it"
10:09pm "coded highlighting? like how instead of song titles you wrote a lyric from each song, i loved that."
10:14pm "thank you again. it's the sweetest thing ever."
10:20pm "i like how the lyrics you picked all run together"
at 11:01pm you said that at least some of the tears were happy tears (my favorite kind).
today, 12:56pm: "i listened to the cd at lunch."
the fact that the cd made you cry tells me you still have feelings for me. you wouldn't have cried if you didn't care. was it enough to prove to you that this is all you will ever need? was it enough to convince you to take a chance on me, and be happy for the rest of yr life?
i told you not to be sorry. i told you that it's ok, that i'm ok. if it was meant to be, then it will be. if not, then at least i got to feel amazing for a while. i have no regrets about falling in love with you. i simply adore you and all i need is for you to realize that we were meant to be together.
jan still thinks yr a tool. she said "i mean, i like the boy, but he's still a tool." i agree, but i happen to really love that tool, regardless of what a big idiot he is. maybe i'm a tool.
either work was very busy today or he hates me. hardly any responses. i keep switching tenses.
i'm so tired. i can't believe he brought the cd in the car to work today. and that he spent his lunch hour listening to it... he has to love me. or else he wouldn't be torturing himself by listening to it whenever he had the chance.. i can't figure out this man.
17 more days. 17! tomorrow it will be 16. at the end of the week, only two weeks will remain. this is amazing. i'm barreling towards seeing you again. i got some buttons and a needle and thread. every time you put yr stupid green day shirt on, you will know, even if you don't think of it, that i sewed that button for you. i am not going to be able to sleep on october 5th. i'm going to want to sleep until the last possible moment, so i don't have to deal with the stress of waiting to see you. i wonder what time you are going to want me there. i hope it's early. i just want to spend as much time as possible with you... you have 17 more days to realize that yr heart should belong to me. all i can think about is how i hope my cd showed you my heart and that yr ready to accept it. will you want to cuddle with me? should i just go and lay on you when you sit on the couch?
my heart is beating every day, and it's beating yr name. my heart is bursting for you. i can't wait to scoop you in my arms and to feel at home again.
Monday, September 17, 2007
i just got a text from you. apparently you got my cd in the mail, and you hate me. you cried a lot. i don't know if i believe you.. crying is a little intense. you know i love you. you don't need to cry about it. you should just love me. that would be fine with me.. did you listen to it? or was it just the insert i made for you?
18 more days and yr still all i think about all the time. it's been so long since i've seen you.. my whole body aches for you... i need you in my life as more than my friend. i need you to love me as i love you. i can't wait to see you. i can't believe you cried.. i didn't mean to make you that sad.. i just needed to get the cd out of my hands.... and i needed you to see that what i felt was real. and maybe i wanted you to be a little sad, but i didn't intend to really make you cry.
i'm sorry i love you, but i do and i can't stop feeling this way. you make me feel so good when you are around me. i just want you back around. 18 days and maybe you'll realize that this is the love you have been waiting for yr whole life..
18 more days and yr still all i think about all the time. it's been so long since i've seen you.. my whole body aches for you... i need you in my life as more than my friend. i need you to love me as i love you. i can't wait to see you. i can't believe you cried.. i didn't mean to make you that sad.. i just needed to get the cd out of my hands.... and i needed you to see that what i felt was real. and maybe i wanted you to be a little sad, but i didn't intend to really make you cry.
i'm sorry i love you, but i do and i can't stop feeling this way. you make me feel so good when you are around me. i just want you back around. 18 days and maybe you'll realize that this is the love you have been waiting for yr whole life..
my insides lurched again when i popped onto okc for a second and you were there. it's not jealousy, which is what i usually feel. it's an intense wave of anxiety that you are, at that moment, chatting with some cute girl with large breasts and an outstanding personality, while i am here, longing for you.
i'm watching movies. it's not the same without you. it doesn't feel right. you should be here with me.
i should be moving on. i should be meeting boys.
i'm going to the city on saturday. i'm hoping to run into some dude from the past.. i'm hoping it will be derek. and he'll be single. and we'll have some drinks. and he'll take me home with him. and i can forget about you for a little while. derek. jesus. why the fuck and i thinking of that disaster? that's exactly what i DON'T need, casual sex. why not though? it wouldn't even increase my number. it would be re-sexing. that's totally ON limits. probably he will have a girlfriend or not be working, though, so it's stupid to think about. i just need to get you the fuck out of my head and i can't think of any other way than to sleep with someone other than you. not that we ever slept together. in the carnal sense.
yr an idiot. i hope you are taking to some amazing girl online. i hope you go out, and you have a wonderful time, and then she doesn't return yr calls. or, better, you go out a few times, develop feelings for her, and then she BREAKS YR HEART INTO A MILLION TINY PIECES. then you will know how i feel.
i hope it hurts when yr heart is a disaster. i hope you can't sleep at night and you writhe in pain. i hope you want to vomit all the time. i hope you spend yr days wondering what she's doing, who she's seeing. i hope yr miserable, and you can understand what it feels like to be me.
i won't be there to pick up yr pieces. i'll be in bed with some random man who isn't you and who will never be anywhere as good for me as you are.
i hope you can feel this pain. i hope you will feel what it's like to wonder if you will ever EVER be whole again.
i'm watching movies. it's not the same without you. it doesn't feel right. you should be here with me.
i should be moving on. i should be meeting boys.
i'm going to the city on saturday. i'm hoping to run into some dude from the past.. i'm hoping it will be derek. and he'll be single. and we'll have some drinks. and he'll take me home with him. and i can forget about you for a little while. derek. jesus. why the fuck and i thinking of that disaster? that's exactly what i DON'T need, casual sex. why not though? it wouldn't even increase my number. it would be re-sexing. that's totally ON limits. probably he will have a girlfriend or not be working, though, so it's stupid to think about. i just need to get you the fuck out of my head and i can't think of any other way than to sleep with someone other than you. not that we ever slept together. in the carnal sense.
yr an idiot. i hope you are taking to some amazing girl online. i hope you go out, and you have a wonderful time, and then she doesn't return yr calls. or, better, you go out a few times, develop feelings for her, and then she BREAKS YR HEART INTO A MILLION TINY PIECES. then you will know how i feel.
i hope it hurts when yr heart is a disaster. i hope you can't sleep at night and you writhe in pain. i hope you want to vomit all the time. i hope you spend yr days wondering what she's doing, who she's seeing. i hope yr miserable, and you can understand what it feels like to be me.
i won't be there to pick up yr pieces. i'll be in bed with some random man who isn't you and who will never be anywhere as good for me as you are.
i hope you can feel this pain. i hope you will feel what it's like to wonder if you will ever EVER be whole again.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
i take it back. i got the bad feeling, the beginnings of an anxiety onslaught, when i saw you on okc right now.
i hate being in love with you. i would love being in love with you if you were here. but you aren't.
i need to let go. why can't i just let go?
why can't i ever have what i want? just fucking once. you are what i want, you are what i can't have. i never get what i want. ergo, i will never have you.
so fuck it. fuck it all.
i hate being in love with you. i would love being in love with you if you were here. but you aren't.
i need to let go. why can't i just let go?
why can't i ever have what i want? just fucking once. you are what i want, you are what i can't have. i never get what i want. ergo, i will never have you.
so fuck it. fuck it all.
it was the sweetness of yr skin, it was the hope of all we might have been, that filled me with the hope to wish impossible things.. to wish impossible things
the cure
i'm pretty sure i used that lyric already in like 2004, but what the hell. it's been like 3 years and there are a finite amount of lyrics i adore. so fuck it all.
the cure
i'm pretty sure i used that lyric already in like 2004, but what the hell. it's been like 3 years and there are a finite amount of lyrics i adore. so fuck it all.
this is my 495th post. it should be my 1000+ th post, but it isn't since i stopped blogging for so long. boo hiss. i'm getting back into the swing of it, i guess. i should get a tracker again. last night i spent hours reading old posts. feeling bad for how i felt back then. i still have some weird non-feelings for joe, but mostly i'm repulsed by the fact that i needed him so badly when all he was doing was playing with me. i knew it, too, but. and then i worry if i'm doing it again, if i'm making myself crazy over tom for an ultimate joe ending. probably. i'm a sucker for heartbreak. but what the fuck does it even matter? my heart is ALREADY broken. it's not like i'm waiting for tom to break it again. it's in pieces and therefore all of this is necessary.
additionally i read the entirety of paper journal volume VII (my current book) which also made me nauseas. i went to a psychic on oct 14 2004 and she said i would be MARRIED within three years. and here i am. not married. not even in a relationship that is going to end in marriage. NOT EVEN IN A RELATIONSHIP. period.
i haven't contacted tom. 19 days remain, as i said would yesterday. 19 more days and i hate him on this particular one. i don't know why, but for some reason the only feeling i have for him at this moment is loathing. a loving loathing, yes, but loathing nonetheless. probably because i've been dying to tell him how much i love him for the past 24 hours. no reason. just dying for it. every time i kiss kasha and tell her i love her, i wish it was him. i mean, i'd still tell her i love her constantly even if there was a man to love. a man named tom, of course. but still.
checked out my random dating sites and had nothing to look at. as usual. match.com was a waste of money. whenever i express interest in someone, they don't respond. whenever someone expresses interest in me, they are either fat, ugly, or WAY too into the gym for my taste. okcupid is lame and all the dudes on there (except tom) are idiots. looks like i'm going to die alone.
i had high hopes for doing a lot of things on this, the sixteenth day of september. i was going to go to barnes & noble because i didn't get the september issue of jane in the mail, but i failed. i was going to go to the bank, but i failed at that as well. i did go to 7-11 (imperative on sunday for the paper!), petco (lest kasha go hungry) and the grocery store (lest i go hungry). i wrote some lessons, but not nearly enough before i decided that work is for suckers and finished my letter to irene. i wanted to take a bath today but i didn't. mainly bc kasha puked in the tub and i don't want to be bathing in clorox clean-up. so basically i'm a failure. i'd like to get high and do a crossword puzzle but that, too, is impossible. if mike would do what i ask, then maybe i could be messed up right now. but no. and this is mostly the reason we will never be together. he doesn't put priority on the things i ask him to do. all i want is to get retarded, zone out, and become one with my couch. is that too much to ask? apparently.
it's 8:55pm on a sunday night. i slept until 2:45. i need to go to bed soon, but that ain't happening. i once again have nothing to show for a weekend spent mostly in solitude. i was better, really. i was social at dinner last night. i was even nice to jill, even though i have never liked her and she's pregnant. i'm sorry for this, but i just cannot be happy for her. I WANT TO BE PREGNANT. and she's a bitch. but SHE gets to have a baby and i get to be ALONE. and my dad told me she was pregnant 2 weeks ago... he said "we're going to have grandchildren!" as if it was HIS grandchild. sorry dad, no. step grandchildren is even a reach, since he and linda aren't married. do i sound bitter? well i am. i don't want him to be so excited for her child to come. i want him to be excited for MY child. i should get knocked up by some stranger. i'm going to be last at everything. last wedding. by the time i get married, no one is even going to care. last baby. no one will give a fuck since there will be a menagerie of children running around by then.
fuck my life.
most of the time i have no idea what i'm thinking. like why you would care most of the time. i don't know what i was thinking before. i'm going to go to jersey in 20 days. yr going to give me a buddy hug. we're going to go see pinback. you will walk me to my car, if i'm lucky.
i know you are the one for me. but can i wait forever for you? sometimes i'm sure you still love me, and then we have these stupid conversations where i realize that i probably mean nothing to you.
cease communications starts tonight. right now. i will not text you of my volition. for 20 days. any texts i send you will be in response to the ones you send me. and if i don't hear from you for 19 days, which is impossible, but just in case, then i will text you on october 5 to find out what time i should come out the next day.
i need to stop loving you. even if it kills me.
i know you are the one for me. but can i wait forever for you? sometimes i'm sure you still love me, and then we have these stupid conversations where i realize that i probably mean nothing to you.
cease communications starts tonight. right now. i will not text you of my volition. for 20 days. any texts i send you will be in response to the ones you send me. and if i don't hear from you for 19 days, which is impossible, but just in case, then i will text you on october 5 to find out what time i should come out the next day.
i need to stop loving you. even if it kills me.
20 days until i see you. 20 days until i see you. 20 days until i see you!!!!
the downhill part.. so excited. 20 days. it's been 22 of the longest days of my life since you left. and now there are only 20 to go.. i can't wait to tell you i've missed you. i can't wait to see you there, standing as you buzz me into the building. i can't wait, i can't wait, i can't wait.
last night you texted me at 2:47am. 2:47am!!! why? because you'd just been chatting with some randoid who was holding ernie on the back cover of dookie. and for some reason, he was in a suit. and for some reason, i had to know this, at 2:47am. if you didn't still love me, you wouldn't need to tell me this. i texted you today to tell you to watch the mail. i sent the plow united cd. and the cd i made you. you claimed to hate me for it. but oh well. you should listen. because it will show you how much i love you. we texted back and forth a lot today. A LOT. about the new pinback, about how i got a stars cd.. about my fried ravioli dinner. it didn't even jar my heart to see you on okcupid at midnight. because i know that when something happens, you want to tell me. because you still think of me. i can't wait to see you in 20 days. each night means one less day. tomorrow it will be 19. NINETEEN DAYS! 19 seems so much more possible than the original 42. then it will be 18. then 17. before i know it, it will be 5. then it will be tomorrow. and i will be BURSTING with excitement then. i can't wait to hug you. i can't wait to smell you. you always smell the same, like yr silly spray deodorant. right guard. the same stuff dennis and i used to spray when we were smoking pot in the dorms. when i smell you, i remember being 19. but more recently, i smell you and i remember being in love. i'm still in love. so in love. i can't wait to see you.. 20 more days!
i cleaned my mom's house today for hours. my body aches. i'm very tired, but i'm $100 richer. and i won $44 on cashword cards tonight. woooohooooo. usually i regret my split second decisions to stop at 7-11 and pick up some scratch-offs. tonight it paid off. and i'm thrilled. tomorrow i will wake up, i will drive to 7-11 for my coffee (machiatto, actually) and the sunday paper. trade in my cards for 7 more and $24. i will come home and write some lessons. i will perhaps watch a movie. and then i will realize that there are 19 days left.
my heart is bursting with love. and it's all for you. i don't care if you need to be single. you are all i will ever want, you are it. you are the one. my perfect complement. there will never ever be another soul to cross my path who will be more right for me. this i know, and i have never been more sure of anything in my entire 27 and a half years.
i have 20 days left to buy a 1/2" black button to sew onto your stupid green day shirt. it's yr favorite. i will make it whole again, so you can look somewhat presentable when you wear it at least once a week.
i have 20 days to decide what to wear to pinback. sexy? cute? low cut? classic? definitely jeans. and definitely sneakers. but oh to choose a shirt..
i have 20 days to wait before i can envelope you and breathe you and smile to myself and know that i am spending some time with the love of my life. my entire life. perhaps on october 6th it will be mere hours, but someday it will be forever and for the rest of our lives.
i can't wait to see you..
the downhill part.. so excited. 20 days. it's been 22 of the longest days of my life since you left. and now there are only 20 to go.. i can't wait to tell you i've missed you. i can't wait to see you there, standing as you buzz me into the building. i can't wait, i can't wait, i can't wait.
last night you texted me at 2:47am. 2:47am!!! why? because you'd just been chatting with some randoid who was holding ernie on the back cover of dookie. and for some reason, he was in a suit. and for some reason, i had to know this, at 2:47am. if you didn't still love me, you wouldn't need to tell me this. i texted you today to tell you to watch the mail. i sent the plow united cd. and the cd i made you. you claimed to hate me for it. but oh well. you should listen. because it will show you how much i love you. we texted back and forth a lot today. A LOT. about the new pinback, about how i got a stars cd.. about my fried ravioli dinner. it didn't even jar my heart to see you on okcupid at midnight. because i know that when something happens, you want to tell me. because you still think of me. i can't wait to see you in 20 days. each night means one less day. tomorrow it will be 19. NINETEEN DAYS! 19 seems so much more possible than the original 42. then it will be 18. then 17. before i know it, it will be 5. then it will be tomorrow. and i will be BURSTING with excitement then. i can't wait to hug you. i can't wait to smell you. you always smell the same, like yr silly spray deodorant. right guard. the same stuff dennis and i used to spray when we were smoking pot in the dorms. when i smell you, i remember being 19. but more recently, i smell you and i remember being in love. i'm still in love. so in love. i can't wait to see you.. 20 more days!
i cleaned my mom's house today for hours. my body aches. i'm very tired, but i'm $100 richer. and i won $44 on cashword cards tonight. woooohooooo. usually i regret my split second decisions to stop at 7-11 and pick up some scratch-offs. tonight it paid off. and i'm thrilled. tomorrow i will wake up, i will drive to 7-11 for my coffee (machiatto, actually) and the sunday paper. trade in my cards for 7 more and $24. i will come home and write some lessons. i will perhaps watch a movie. and then i will realize that there are 19 days left.
my heart is bursting with love. and it's all for you. i don't care if you need to be single. you are all i will ever want, you are it. you are the one. my perfect complement. there will never ever be another soul to cross my path who will be more right for me. this i know, and i have never been more sure of anything in my entire 27 and a half years.
i have 20 days left to buy a 1/2" black button to sew onto your stupid green day shirt. it's yr favorite. i will make it whole again, so you can look somewhat presentable when you wear it at least once a week.
i have 20 days to decide what to wear to pinback. sexy? cute? low cut? classic? definitely jeans. and definitely sneakers. but oh to choose a shirt..
i have 20 days to wait before i can envelope you and breathe you and smile to myself and know that i am spending some time with the love of my life. my entire life. perhaps on october 6th it will be mere hours, but someday it will be forever and for the rest of our lives.
i can't wait to see you..
Saturday, September 15, 2007
time can take its toll on the best of us
look at you, you're growing old so young
traffic lights blink at you in the evening
you tilt your head and turn it to the sun
sometimes the tv is like a lover
singing softly as you fall asleep
you wake up in the morning and it's still there
adding up the things you'll never be
alright, i can say what you want me to
alright, i can do all the things you do
alright, i'll make it all up for you
i'm still in love with you
i'm still in love with you
time can take its toll on the best of us
look at you, you're growing old so young
traffic lights blink at you in the evening
you tilt your head and turn it to the setting sun
you disembark the latest flight to paradise
you almost turn your ankle in the snow
you fall back into where you started
make up words to songs you use to know
alright, i can say what you want me to
alright, i can do all the things you do
alright, i'll make it all up for you
i'm still in love with you
i'm still in love with you
hard rock god, he never had a chance, you know
incurable romantics never do
he held a flame i wasn't born to carry
i'll leave the dying young stuff up to you
you get back on the latest flight to paradise
i found out from a note taped to the door
i think i saw your airplane in the sky tonight
through my window, lying on the kitchen floor
alright, i can say what you want me to
alright, i can do all the things you do
alright, i'll make it all up for you
i'm still in love with you
i'm still in love with you
alright, i can say what you want me to
alright, i can do all the things you do
alright, i'll make it all up for you
i'm still in love with you
i'm still in love with you
i want more...
give me more...
stars
look at you, you're growing old so young
traffic lights blink at you in the evening
you tilt your head and turn it to the sun
sometimes the tv is like a lover
singing softly as you fall asleep
you wake up in the morning and it's still there
adding up the things you'll never be
alright, i can say what you want me to
alright, i can do all the things you do
alright, i'll make it all up for you
i'm still in love with you
i'm still in love with you
time can take its toll on the best of us
look at you, you're growing old so young
traffic lights blink at you in the evening
you tilt your head and turn it to the setting sun
you disembark the latest flight to paradise
you almost turn your ankle in the snow
you fall back into where you started
make up words to songs you use to know
alright, i can say what you want me to
alright, i can do all the things you do
alright, i'll make it all up for you
i'm still in love with you
i'm still in love with you
hard rock god, he never had a chance, you know
incurable romantics never do
he held a flame i wasn't born to carry
i'll leave the dying young stuff up to you
you get back on the latest flight to paradise
i found out from a note taped to the door
i think i saw your airplane in the sky tonight
through my window, lying on the kitchen floor
alright, i can say what you want me to
alright, i can do all the things you do
alright, i'll make it all up for you
i'm still in love with you
i'm still in love with you
alright, i can say what you want me to
alright, i can do all the things you do
alright, i'll make it all up for you
i'm still in love with you
i'm still in love with you
i want more...
give me more...
stars
so the argument went like this..
i'm obsessed with the above song. it's called "heart". tom put it on my pinback cd, as the last song on the first cd (even though it's not pinback!). he said he put it on because he thought i would like it. so i told bob to download it, since i'm obsessed. when i told him that the song was on one of the pinback cds, he insisted tom was sending me a message. i disagree. not that the thought hadn't crossed my mind. it did. but why would he do that to me, when he tells me it's killing him to see me so hurt? i'm inclined to believe that the song was put there simply because he thought i would like it. which i do.
i mean, of course i WANT it to be a message. i want it to mean that the october 6th hug will be big and meaningful. i want it to mean that he will ask me to stay, rather than me being "too tired" to drive home. i want it to mean, if i have to resort to being "too tired", he'll want to share his bed with me. but i also know him. and i know that he wants this to be more painless than painful. and i think that he would perceive spending the night in the same bad as painful for one (me) or both of us. i think he would see it as complicating our "step back" to being "just friends". and i'm really inclined to believe that what will happen will be he will tell me to take his bed, while he takes the couch. but can he resist cuddles? and what about when we talked about the day of the pinback show, how he said i could come early, and we could eat and hang out before heading to asbury park.. and how he said we'd see pinback, and then trailed off? i want to think he wanted to say that i could spend the night. but who knows?
bob says the random texts mean he's thinking of me.
we now have a bet. a $500 bet. in order for bob to win this bet, tom and i have to be together before year's end. in order for me to win, we won't be together. i feel confident that i will win this bet. i want to lose SO BAD, but i know i'll win. and i'll be $500 richer. but i'll still be in love with someone who needs to meet some wrong girls before he'll realize that i'm the one for him. we agreed that if it happens over the holidays, the bet is a wash.
i cried a little before, when i realized how much this all still means to me. a week of being numb, and i'm crying again. i had not cried since last friday. i've moped, sure. but i've been tearfree. but here i was, crying. longing. missing. dying. 21 more days.
i'm dying for you.
i'm crying for you.
i just want to feel the cool of yr skin, breathe in yr smell..
..i'm still in love with you.. i'm still in love with you..
i'm obsessed with the above song. it's called "heart". tom put it on my pinback cd, as the last song on the first cd (even though it's not pinback!). he said he put it on because he thought i would like it. so i told bob to download it, since i'm obsessed. when i told him that the song was on one of the pinback cds, he insisted tom was sending me a message. i disagree. not that the thought hadn't crossed my mind. it did. but why would he do that to me, when he tells me it's killing him to see me so hurt? i'm inclined to believe that the song was put there simply because he thought i would like it. which i do.
i mean, of course i WANT it to be a message. i want it to mean that the october 6th hug will be big and meaningful. i want it to mean that he will ask me to stay, rather than me being "too tired" to drive home. i want it to mean, if i have to resort to being "too tired", he'll want to share his bed with me. but i also know him. and i know that he wants this to be more painless than painful. and i think that he would perceive spending the night in the same bad as painful for one (me) or both of us. i think he would see it as complicating our "step back" to being "just friends". and i'm really inclined to believe that what will happen will be he will tell me to take his bed, while he takes the couch. but can he resist cuddles? and what about when we talked about the day of the pinback show, how he said i could come early, and we could eat and hang out before heading to asbury park.. and how he said we'd see pinback, and then trailed off? i want to think he wanted to say that i could spend the night. but who knows?
bob says the random texts mean he's thinking of me.
we now have a bet. a $500 bet. in order for bob to win this bet, tom and i have to be together before year's end. in order for me to win, we won't be together. i feel confident that i will win this bet. i want to lose SO BAD, but i know i'll win. and i'll be $500 richer. but i'll still be in love with someone who needs to meet some wrong girls before he'll realize that i'm the one for him. we agreed that if it happens over the holidays, the bet is a wash.
i cried a little before, when i realized how much this all still means to me. a week of being numb, and i'm crying again. i had not cried since last friday. i've moped, sure. but i've been tearfree. but here i was, crying. longing. missing. dying. 21 more days.
i'm dying for you.
i'm crying for you.
i just want to feel the cool of yr skin, breathe in yr smell..
..i'm still in love with you.. i'm still in love with you..
Friday, September 14, 2007
i'm having some mild anxiety today. very mild. hardly noticeable, but still here. it's the halfway point. it's been three weeks since he left my apartment.. holding me so tight in the parking lot, beside his car.. not letting go of me until i pulled away. i walked to the door without looking back, entered the building without a glance to see him, knowing if i did i would surely go running back... a risk i couldn't bear. that was at about 7:30pm.. it's exactly 2 right now. 3 weeks from tomorrow i will see you again. i will hope you hug me when i arrive, and not that half-hearted buddy hug, either. i'm hoping for the kind of hug that means something. something big.
i switched my rental car today. the new one is doody. it's in not so good condition. it's a 2006 altima, but apparently only people who suck have rented it in the past. the inside is messy and there is minor damage to the outside of the car. but oh well. i only have to drive it for a few more days. hopefully i'll get my car back on monday or tuesday.. i should call the shop to ask about signing over the check....
i texted tom at like 1230 to tell him there was a huge praying mantis on my car. he hasn't responded. his lunch is sometime between 12 and 1, so i guess it wasn't something worth responding to. because at this point he is definitely back at his desk, working. his lunch never goes later than 2. i don't know.. i'm starting to be even more confused than i was. i get random texts from him, but he doesn't always respond to my random texts. and we were supposed to not be texting on a daily basis, but i am hearing from him on an almost daily basis. sunday he texted me. monday it was me, to say i was bored. not much conversation. tuesday it was me due to the overwhelming anxiety i was suffering from.. wednesday it was him to ask about the anxiety. yesterday it was me first about my nightmares, but then he randomly texted ME at 8pm about the keys in the dumpster thing. so it's really equal. i want to talk to him about the money thing i'm suffering through, and i intend to text him later, after i go to the mall with mike, to see if he can talk for a little. but then over the weekend i will not be texting him. i want to wait for it to be him. three weeks from tomorrow... that means i have to get through three more weekends.. the one that starts tonight and two more. this one should be easy, since i will be going out to my moms to clean all day tomorrow, and then to my dad's house. sure coming home will be lonely.. but sunday i have to write some lessons and also i have about 5 or 7 movies saved on my dvr that need to be watched. probably i'll watch one tonight.. one tomorrow night.. so it'll be ok. i'd rather be watching them with you though, because i'm totally in love with you.. 21 more days. september is going pretty fast, so at least there is that..
i can't wait to see you again. i can't wait to feel you near me. all i want is to hug you.. and wake up with you.. the big cuddly bear you are.. i hope so hard that you'll want me to stay and to sleep in yr bed. it's all i can think about, the potential of having that night with you. i don't care if you kiss me or not, i just want to sleep beside you. in one of yr t-shirts or something. i'll settle for yr couch, though. all i want is you.
i switched my rental car today. the new one is doody. it's in not so good condition. it's a 2006 altima, but apparently only people who suck have rented it in the past. the inside is messy and there is minor damage to the outside of the car. but oh well. i only have to drive it for a few more days. hopefully i'll get my car back on monday or tuesday.. i should call the shop to ask about signing over the check....
i texted tom at like 1230 to tell him there was a huge praying mantis on my car. he hasn't responded. his lunch is sometime between 12 and 1, so i guess it wasn't something worth responding to. because at this point he is definitely back at his desk, working. his lunch never goes later than 2. i don't know.. i'm starting to be even more confused than i was. i get random texts from him, but he doesn't always respond to my random texts. and we were supposed to not be texting on a daily basis, but i am hearing from him on an almost daily basis. sunday he texted me. monday it was me, to say i was bored. not much conversation. tuesday it was me due to the overwhelming anxiety i was suffering from.. wednesday it was him to ask about the anxiety. yesterday it was me first about my nightmares, but then he randomly texted ME at 8pm about the keys in the dumpster thing. so it's really equal. i want to talk to him about the money thing i'm suffering through, and i intend to text him later, after i go to the mall with mike, to see if he can talk for a little. but then over the weekend i will not be texting him. i want to wait for it to be him. three weeks from tomorrow... that means i have to get through three more weekends.. the one that starts tonight and two more. this one should be easy, since i will be going out to my moms to clean all day tomorrow, and then to my dad's house. sure coming home will be lonely.. but sunday i have to write some lessons and also i have about 5 or 7 movies saved on my dvr that need to be watched. probably i'll watch one tonight.. one tomorrow night.. so it'll be ok. i'd rather be watching them with you though, because i'm totally in love with you.. 21 more days. september is going pretty fast, so at least there is that..
i can't wait to see you again. i can't wait to feel you near me. all i want is to hug you.. and wake up with you.. the big cuddly bear you are.. i hope so hard that you'll want me to stay and to sleep in yr bed. it's all i can think about, the potential of having that night with you. i don't care if you kiss me or not, i just want to sleep beside you. in one of yr t-shirts or something. i'll settle for yr couch, though. all i want is you.
i'm totally screwed. i just sat down to my budget and i basically can't save anything. i'm going to have to save the usual amount, if i'm lucky.. everything is totally impossible right now. i've really fucked up. i need to make some extra money somehow, but i don't know how to do it. i need to get like a weekend job. that's the only thing i can really do in order to save myself from the mess of debt i have incurred. i have like $650 a month to pay down $15,000 in credit card debt. with NO INTEREST that's going to take me 24 months. TWO YEARS. i don't know what to do. i'm cleaning my mom's house on saturday for $100 and i'm going to take that to my dad and give it to him because i still owe him like $400 from last summer. i owe her $960. i'm making more money salary-wise, but it doesn't matter since they won't withhold summer pay, my checks are bigger and i'm taxed more heavily. so i have to live on LESS money than i did previously. i feel like my only option is to move home and pay down the debt. save $1200 a month. but i can't do that. i cannot live at home, i'll go crazy. i can't be commuting 4 hours in the car every single fucking day. i don't know how to fix this mess i'm in. i could not save so much and have to get a summer job next year.. but i won't make enough like that, either. the new plan is to basically axe my food budget. i will only eat lunch every day, and i will purchase my lunches at the grocery store. cheese sandwiches and yogurt. and that can really be my only meal of the day. i think i can handle that. i won't shop at all. the mall will be my nemesis. no more shopping. this will be the hardest commitment i ever make. roosevelt field is now off limits. i can't go to see any bands play. i just won't eat, and won't shop. i'm not giving up cigarettes. i already don't drink. this is what has to happen. if i stop shopping, that's an extra $200 a month toward my debt and i won't be incurring any more debt. i'll be out of style and i'll have ratty clothing. i've made it this long on a budget i wasn't following.. i have a few credit cards with not much debt on them, and i'll have them paid off in a few months.. then i can concentrate on the bigger debts. i'm going to atlantic city in december to see brand new, and i'll make sure to have the money for that. i have to pay for a hotel and i cannot be in a casino and not gamble. plus drinking. but if i don't shop between now and then i should have no problem. i already use coupons at the grocery store. i can't buy snacks though. cheese sticks are too expensive. i'll be hungry, but i'll be saving money. plus i end up throwing so much food out, so i should just stop buying it. the other option is to only buy dinner foods and make enough for the following days lunch. that could be reasonable. if i eat mostly rice. but eating rice is tricky since they i'll have problems with my stomach and being "bound up", as they say. so it can't be rice. pasta? i have to go to the mall tomorrow to get presents for jan and for eric. i wish i had stuff to sell on ebay. my cable bill will go up in december. this is not exciting. maybe i should just save $8000 for next summer. get a summer job. i think we're going to north carolina next summer, though. maybe i should skip my tropical vacation. maybe i'll win some money in AC this time around (ha. i've left there a very poor girl both times!). i have to stop playing the scratch offs. that's a given right now. how can i make some money? what can i do that doesn't take much time but pays something? i can wait tables on weekends, but then i have to say goodbye to my free time. working retail on weekends would just be a waste of time. at $7/hour, if i worked 16 hours a week.. i'd be making.. what the fuck is 7 x 16? like a hundred dollars a week. $400 per month.. that doesn't help and would only make me miserable. besides, i couldn't work at the mall. the last thing i need is to see my kids there. that would be terrible. then they would think i was poor. i'm not poor, i just manage my money terribly. right now i need tom. he would talk to me rationally about this and make me feel better. mike was here before, and we talked about it, and he made me feel WORSE. because he patronizes me. he doesn't mean to, he has good intentions, but he made the suggestion that i go into some sort of therapy, like shopaholics anonymous. what the fuck? i do need regular therapy, which i had forgotten about. that's another $80 a month. jesus fucking christ. ok, so no shopping, no eating. just fruit water and maybe salad. salad is cheap. i'd have to buy it frequently, but it's cheap. ok, salad it is. i'm going to eat only salad and drink only fruit water and no shopping. i have october birthdays to deal with, but really only linda's because nick is in antarctica and, well, i don't have to get him anything. i'll send him a nice card. leave him a myspace comment. i still owe antonia a birthday gift, but i haven't got the money. november is my dad's birthday, but he always says not to spend a lot and i always do anyway. this year i won't. christmas... i'll buy on the cheap. i'll sit in the dark to save money on my electric bill. start going to bed at 9:30pm so i don't have the tv on. maybe i should just move home and deal with it. i can live at my dad's house, take the ocean parkway and miss a lot of the traffic on the LIE. but then i have to deal with the meadowbrook. and if things work out with tom, i'll be forfuckingever away from him. but they won't so i guess i don't have to worry about that. i can't move home. i can't deal with that. i really can't. i'm insane to even be thinking about it. i need a roommate. i need a lover to move in with. i need to make some huge changes. maybe i can start running in great neck. there are some parks. maybe i can get a personal loan from the bank at a decent interest rate. maybe i'll look into that tomorrow. i wonder what the rates are like. anything below 17% would be good. i'll go to bethpage tomorrow and sit with a loan officer. i wonder what my credit rating looks like. i have a lot of debt. but the loan would be helping me to pay off that debt. i could then have it all in one place instead of owing on like 8 different credit cards. my budget would be so much more secure. i'm supposed to be paying $500 a month on my mom's credit card. if i had a personal loan, there would be parameters and probably payments each month i couldn't afford. it's still worth looking into. i'll go tomorrow.
it's almost 1am. 12:48. i need to bring my rental car back to the place tomorrow at noon in order to switch it for a new one. apparently they sold the car i have right now. the new one will probably be some shitty small car, like a ford focus. vomit.
the good news about tomorrow is that it's the halfway point. 3 weeks without tom and 3 more to go. i can somewhat handle that. downhill is always easier, right? it's been tough, though. it's getting easier. i don't think about him so much right now. i've been anxiety free for a good 24 hours right now. that's a huge bonus. i'm definitely still in love with him, though. still the first thing i think about when i open my eyes in the morning. i can't help it. he's my soulmate, i'm sure of it. but i'll have to end up settling for some other schmuck. whatever. i can live. i'm pretty numb right now. i don't even get tearful at the sad parts or happy parts of tv shows, like i usually do. i watched lost with michael tonight and rose and bernard reunited. any other time of my life i would have been sobbing to see them together for the first time in the course of the show (we're up to the 9th episode of season 2).. but i didn't. i got a little welling in my eyes, but tears didn't form. i know i'm still in love with tom because when i listen to "heart" by stars, when the girl sings "i'm still in love with you" i feel it and i ache for him. i will love him forever. this isn't fleeting, and it's not psychological. i'm not convinced i'm in love with him because i can't have him. i truly and deeply love him. am in love with him. and i'd give the world to have him here. he texted me randomly tonight that he threw his keys in the dumpster last night and had to go through the garbage to get them out. no need to tell me this at like 8pm the day after, he just did. i know he's still thinking about me. maybe he's in love with me, too.
i need to watch some tv and veg, and then i need to go to bed. i have been up for 12 hours. if i go to bed in like 2 hours, i'll lay there for one and then sleep. so i guess that's a good plan.
22 days. i can't wait to see you. i can't wait to breathe you in. even though the drive to asbury park is going to be long and sad because i won't be holding your hand, what matters is that you'll be beside me. just to feel you there.. just to know you are there.. stopping at white diamond on the way back. show is at 8. it takes one hour and 9 minutes to get from nutley to asbury park according to mapquest. ok so say the show lasts til like 11.. stopping for burgers.. we might not be back in nutley until like 12:30 or 1. then i'll be too tired to drive home. even if i'm not i will be. i'll ask to crash on yr couch. will you even let me? will you offer to sleep in the couch, and i can take yr bed? or will you tell me to come sleep with you? will you preemptively ask me to stay? that's what i'm hoping for.. i really want YOU to ask ME to stay.. i know it will hurt more, but it will make me so happy in the moment that the future pain will be meaningless. of course when the future comes and the pain surges in i will be miserable, but i'm willing to take that chance. even though there is really no chance involved.
i love you so much it's killing me.
it's almost 1am. 12:48. i need to bring my rental car back to the place tomorrow at noon in order to switch it for a new one. apparently they sold the car i have right now. the new one will probably be some shitty small car, like a ford focus. vomit.
the good news about tomorrow is that it's the halfway point. 3 weeks without tom and 3 more to go. i can somewhat handle that. downhill is always easier, right? it's been tough, though. it's getting easier. i don't think about him so much right now. i've been anxiety free for a good 24 hours right now. that's a huge bonus. i'm definitely still in love with him, though. still the first thing i think about when i open my eyes in the morning. i can't help it. he's my soulmate, i'm sure of it. but i'll have to end up settling for some other schmuck. whatever. i can live. i'm pretty numb right now. i don't even get tearful at the sad parts or happy parts of tv shows, like i usually do. i watched lost with michael tonight and rose and bernard reunited. any other time of my life i would have been sobbing to see them together for the first time in the course of the show (we're up to the 9th episode of season 2).. but i didn't. i got a little welling in my eyes, but tears didn't form. i know i'm still in love with tom because when i listen to "heart" by stars, when the girl sings "i'm still in love with you" i feel it and i ache for him. i will love him forever. this isn't fleeting, and it's not psychological. i'm not convinced i'm in love with him because i can't have him. i truly and deeply love him. am in love with him. and i'd give the world to have him here. he texted me randomly tonight that he threw his keys in the dumpster last night and had to go through the garbage to get them out. no need to tell me this at like 8pm the day after, he just did. i know he's still thinking about me. maybe he's in love with me, too.
i need to watch some tv and veg, and then i need to go to bed. i have been up for 12 hours. if i go to bed in like 2 hours, i'll lay there for one and then sleep. so i guess that's a good plan.
22 days. i can't wait to see you. i can't wait to breathe you in. even though the drive to asbury park is going to be long and sad because i won't be holding your hand, what matters is that you'll be beside me. just to feel you there.. just to know you are there.. stopping at white diamond on the way back. show is at 8. it takes one hour and 9 minutes to get from nutley to asbury park according to mapquest. ok so say the show lasts til like 11.. stopping for burgers.. we might not be back in nutley until like 12:30 or 1. then i'll be too tired to drive home. even if i'm not i will be. i'll ask to crash on yr couch. will you even let me? will you offer to sleep in the couch, and i can take yr bed? or will you tell me to come sleep with you? will you preemptively ask me to stay? that's what i'm hoping for.. i really want YOU to ask ME to stay.. i know it will hurt more, but it will make me so happy in the moment that the future pain will be meaningless. of course when the future comes and the pain surges in i will be miserable, but i'm willing to take that chance. even though there is really no chance involved.
i love you so much it's killing me.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
23 days. i'm almost halfway there.
today was normal. work. home. but i took a nap!
apparently there is a sloth residing in a nearby pet store. there is a high percent chance that i am repeating myself here. but oh well. maybe i'll think about going to see it tomorrow. maybe i'll clean the apartment.
i got PAID today! amazing. so exciting. not in the mood to make my budget, mainly because i'm terrified of the amount of new debt i've incurred over the course of the summer. this year i am seriously saving so next summer i will emerge debt free. my goal is to have $10,000 saved up by next summer. that means i have to save $1000 per month. which is basically impossible, so i don't know what i'm going to do. that's one quarter of my monthly income. i don't know how i missed this. for some reason i had it in my head that i could just save $500 per month. this is obviously impossible. instead i have to save $500 per PAY CHECK. this freaks me out beyond belief. at this rate, i'll NEVER pay off my debt. jesus. this has just occurred to me. like this very minute. i can't do that! but i have to. i'm racking up like $2000 in debt each summer and i get paid a little less than $8000 for summer. but in my new district, we don't have the option for summer pay... so i have to do it. i have to save $500 per paycheck, somehow. time for a very strict budget so i can live.
tom texted me today. i don't know why he's doing this, really. he asked about my anxiety, to see if i was better.. but it's back to talking every day. however i did suffer from a minimum amount of anxiety today, which was nice.
tomorrow i have to figure out a budget. really, seriously, a true budget that i stick to.
ok. 23 days. 23 days. i love you i love you i love you. but it hurts less today.
today was normal. work. home. but i took a nap!
apparently there is a sloth residing in a nearby pet store. there is a high percent chance that i am repeating myself here. but oh well. maybe i'll think about going to see it tomorrow. maybe i'll clean the apartment.
i got PAID today! amazing. so exciting. not in the mood to make my budget, mainly because i'm terrified of the amount of new debt i've incurred over the course of the summer. this year i am seriously saving so next summer i will emerge debt free. my goal is to have $10,000 saved up by next summer. that means i have to save $1000 per month. which is basically impossible, so i don't know what i'm going to do. that's one quarter of my monthly income. i don't know how i missed this. for some reason i had it in my head that i could just save $500 per month. this is obviously impossible. instead i have to save $500 per PAY CHECK. this freaks me out beyond belief. at this rate, i'll NEVER pay off my debt. jesus. this has just occurred to me. like this very minute. i can't do that! but i have to. i'm racking up like $2000 in debt each summer and i get paid a little less than $8000 for summer. but in my new district, we don't have the option for summer pay... so i have to do it. i have to save $500 per paycheck, somehow. time for a very strict budget so i can live.
tom texted me today. i don't know why he's doing this, really. he asked about my anxiety, to see if i was better.. but it's back to talking every day. however i did suffer from a minimum amount of anxiety today, which was nice.
tomorrow i have to figure out a budget. really, seriously, a true budget that i stick to.
ok. 23 days. 23 days. i love you i love you i love you. but it hurts less today.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
you came to me like a dream, the kind that always leaves
just as the best part starts, it ends so abruptly
and leaves you stunned and naked in yr bedroom all alone
it's kinda funny how something so soothing gets interrupted by the ring of a telephone
and you broke my like the cigarette that i busted on the day i quit..
alkaline trio
just as the best part starts, it ends so abruptly
and leaves you stunned and naked in yr bedroom all alone
it's kinda funny how something so soothing gets interrupted by the ring of a telephone
and you broke my like the cigarette that i busted on the day i quit..
alkaline trio
24 more days and i can't live another day without you. last night i couldn't sleep i had so much anxiety and fear that you would move on with yr life and i wouldn't be a part of it. today it continued. 24 straight hours of anxiety.. and 24 more days to go. you tried to soothe me when i texted you that i couldn't breathe i was so anxious, telling me to concentrate on the sloth who has no anxiety, no worries. but i'm so scared. i can't focus. i can't function. i need you so bad. i caved and i asked you if you met a girl. i couldn't explain the depth of my anxiety and that had to be the answer. but you tell me i'm ridiculous, and you ask "why would you think i met someone all the sudden? you're nuts." obviously i am. i say maybe you didn't meet someone you want to be with, but maybe someone yr intrigued by. you tell me yr not easily intrigued. "not by broads. by other things like black holes and other things, yeah." so i guess that settled me a little, because i don't have the feeling of not being able to breathe anymore. but the ache of missing you is still there, and still pronounced. i swear there's something wrong with me. i can't just forget this. i'm so in love with you. i don't ever want to be with anyone else, and i hate when you tell me i'll meet someone who will be as good or better than you. i don't WANT to meet anyone. i just want you. every day. every single day. of my stupid fucking life.
why? i don't know. you do something to me. you calm me. you make me see things rationally. you make me feel like i've found what i'd been looking for for so long. all these years, i've been searching for you, and now i have to settle for something less? are you sick? insane? i only want you. you are all i ever wanted, all i ever needed, all i will ever want and all i will ever need. you're far from perfect, but you're perfect for me. and i'm perfect for you.
tell me am i right to think that there could be nothing better than making you my bride and slowly growing old together...
ok i wouldn't make you my bride but still. my husband? my groom? whatever. i want you so bad. i can't imagine my life without you beside me. do you think i want this? that i like suffering? why can't you just realize that there can never be a more perfect moment than the moment i realized i was falling for you? falling in love with you? the most amazing thing was happening to me.. and now i'm supposed to forget that?
Your heart won't heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures
my heart won't ever heal because i will constantly remove the sutures if you aren't here.
i need you more than i need to breathe.
why? i don't know. you do something to me. you calm me. you make me see things rationally. you make me feel like i've found what i'd been looking for for so long. all these years, i've been searching for you, and now i have to settle for something less? are you sick? insane? i only want you. you are all i ever wanted, all i ever needed, all i will ever want and all i will ever need. you're far from perfect, but you're perfect for me. and i'm perfect for you.
tell me am i right to think that there could be nothing better than making you my bride and slowly growing old together...
ok i wouldn't make you my bride but still. my husband? my groom? whatever. i want you so bad. i can't imagine my life without you beside me. do you think i want this? that i like suffering? why can't you just realize that there can never be a more perfect moment than the moment i realized i was falling for you? falling in love with you? the most amazing thing was happening to me.. and now i'm supposed to forget that?
Your heart won't heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures
my heart won't ever heal because i will constantly remove the sutures if you aren't here.
i need you more than i need to breathe.
Monday, September 10, 2007
25 days. major anxiety today. i miss you like crazy.
Sunday, September 09, 2007
love is like a flame, it burns you when it's hot
nazareth
nazareth
26 days. i am ok. thinking of you more today. you texted me at 237pm. i didn't see it for over an hour, which made me feel good, because i wasn't immediately responding to you.. but why did you text me? "how is yr weekend going?" i said it was good.. i wasn't going to tell you that it would have been better with you in it.. you tell me you got up early to play bball, and went to a party for yr friend's birthday... drinking... did you meet a girl? immediately that's where my mind goes.. but if you did, why were you thinking of me? maybe you made out a lot.. cuddled.. i don't know. i miss you. i don't want you with anyone else.
part of me does, though. part of me wants you to find those wrong girls so that you can come back to me. all i want is you. i am confident that i want to grow old with you. why? yr not even my type.. can i really imagine waking up next to you every day? with yr burger belly? sometimes i'm not enamored by yr smell. it's not bad, just not as good as some other times.. but i still want you. is it because i can't have you? is it because i'm insane? why can't i just forget you?
no tears today. no tears yesterday. but i'm still dying inside. i have anxiety more often than i have in years... are you seeing someone? i'm not calling you anymore. i'm not texting you either. tonight i did, but it's because i had a question about alkaline trio songs.. and yr the authority on that..
i can't live without you? question mark for real... maybe i'm just deluding myself. maybe i only fell in love with an imagination.... no. i love you.
part of me does, though. part of me wants you to find those wrong girls so that you can come back to me. all i want is you. i am confident that i want to grow old with you. why? yr not even my type.. can i really imagine waking up next to you every day? with yr burger belly? sometimes i'm not enamored by yr smell. it's not bad, just not as good as some other times.. but i still want you. is it because i can't have you? is it because i'm insane? why can't i just forget you?
no tears today. no tears yesterday. but i'm still dying inside. i have anxiety more often than i have in years... are you seeing someone? i'm not calling you anymore. i'm not texting you either. tonight i did, but it's because i had a question about alkaline trio songs.. and yr the authority on that..
i can't live without you? question mark for real... maybe i'm just deluding myself. maybe i only fell in love with an imagination.... no. i love you.
oh why can't i be what you need?
a new improved version of me
but i'm nothing so good
no i'm nothing
just bones, a lonely ghost burning down songs
of violence and love and of sorrow
i beg for just one more tomorrow
where you hold me down, fold me in
deep, deep, deep in the heart of yr sins
from autumn to ashes
a new improved version of me
but i'm nothing so good
no i'm nothing
just bones, a lonely ghost burning down songs
of violence and love and of sorrow
i beg for just one more tomorrow
where you hold me down, fold me in
deep, deep, deep in the heart of yr sins
from autumn to ashes
still 27 days, and i guess i'm still ok. no tears. i thought of many things that aren't you. but now i'm thinking of you and i'm sad. not tearful sad, but sad nonetheless.
why aren't you here? it's saturday night. i'm supposed to be with you. tonight and every saturday night for the rest of our lives.. why can't i be what you need? why do you have to need to be single? this is not fair. all i want is YOU.
i. will. love. you. forever.
why aren't you here? it's saturday night. i'm supposed to be with you. tonight and every saturday night for the rest of our lives.. why can't i be what you need? why do you have to need to be single? this is not fair. all i want is YOU.
i. will. love. you. forever.
Saturday, September 08, 2007
today was better. really, it was. but i am still totally and completely in love with you.
27 days. this i am more and more confident i can handle.. but i still crave the feeling i get when yr beside me. when yr stroking my arm in the car. when you laugh....
i can't figure out why i can't stop loving you. you tell me not to stop completely, to "tuck it away".. as if you are confident that you'll be back. as if you are confident that i'll be waiting.
well, i won't be.
i will love you forever, but i will move on. this i may regret. this you will regret. maybe i WILL regret it as well. i'm confident i'll never find another man i feel so good about spending my days with. i will never find another man i want to love for eternity... but maybe i will. and i suppose i can deal with that. but i don't want to. i still hope we'll find ourselves in love again... but i can't hold my breath. joe taught me that..
i will love you forever.
forever.
forever...
27 days. this i am more and more confident i can handle.. but i still crave the feeling i get when yr beside me. when yr stroking my arm in the car. when you laugh....
i can't figure out why i can't stop loving you. you tell me not to stop completely, to "tuck it away".. as if you are confident that you'll be back. as if you are confident that i'll be waiting.
well, i won't be.
i will love you forever, but i will move on. this i may regret. this you will regret. maybe i WILL regret it as well. i'm confident i'll never find another man i feel so good about spending my days with. i will never find another man i want to love for eternity... but maybe i will. and i suppose i can deal with that. but i don't want to. i still hope we'll find ourselves in love again... but i can't hold my breath. joe taught me that..
i will love you forever.
forever.
forever...
Friday, September 07, 2007
lyrics i strung together for you...
don't let it go away, this feeling has got to stay dancing in the deepest oceans, existing in the water yr just like a dream i wanna wake up naked next to you, kissing the curve in yr clavicle yr my good feeling nestle, i won't ever let you go waking up to the green of yr eyes is something i'll get used to my heart revealed my cause tell me how you learned to shine so bright i'm crazy for you so don't complicate it by hesitating i ran for miles and miles and miles, i'd run for days to see you smile because to me there's nothing better than when we're doin cool stuff together oh i'm in deep whenever i'm with you i want to be the clay in yr hands fade into you, strange you never knew i never thought tonight would ever be this close to me so anything you wanna do, i just wanna do it with you just like a star i fall for you the raining always starts when you go away i'm fallin head over heels for you i never will forget this but if you hear this and you think yr ready, meet me in montauk where we'll write out in the sand.....
from the cd i made you.
still love you.
letting go.......
don't let it go away, this feeling has got to stay dancing in the deepest oceans, existing in the water yr just like a dream i wanna wake up naked next to you, kissing the curve in yr clavicle yr my good feeling nestle, i won't ever let you go waking up to the green of yr eyes is something i'll get used to my heart revealed my cause tell me how you learned to shine so bright i'm crazy for you so don't complicate it by hesitating i ran for miles and miles and miles, i'd run for days to see you smile because to me there's nothing better than when we're doin cool stuff together oh i'm in deep whenever i'm with you i want to be the clay in yr hands fade into you, strange you never knew i never thought tonight would ever be this close to me so anything you wanna do, i just wanna do it with you just like a star i fall for you the raining always starts when you go away i'm fallin head over heels for you i never will forget this but if you hear this and you think yr ready, meet me in montauk where we'll write out in the sand.....
from the cd i made you.
still love you.
letting go.......
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