Monday, September 24, 2007
call 911, i'm already dead but someone should be caught and held responsible for this bloody mess.
brand new
brand new
the night is almost over for me, i'm so tired but...
yr online right now, doing yr thing, i'm sure. today no different than any other day. why did i tell you i'd make you cupcakes? why am i so stupid? why am i still thinking of you? why can't i just forget about you? why am i still in love with you? why do you have to be "torn in two directions"? doesn't love trump the need to be alone? i swear, if you let me, i'd make you the happiest man on the planet. i'd make you tea every morning, i'd give you all the love and support a person could ever dream for... i'd make you feel like the most amazing man on earth.. that's how much i adore you.
i'm a smart girl, but apparently my emotional IQ is zero. i'm unable to move on from this. it took me so long to get over joe. i know it's possible, since i'm over him now, but i had so many feelings for so long. granted they were mostly early 20s delusions.. and i never believed that he would be the only man i would ever want to marry.. i was sleeping with a million (ok not a million) other dudes at the time.. now i can't even get interested in ANYONE. yr all i think about. i close my eyes and there you are. i wake up every morning and yr my first thought. i sometimes watch my phone, hoping it'll vibrate with a text message.
i constantly say i'm letting go, but i don't. because i can't. because i'm nothing if i don't have hope.
why did you tell me you think it's "a real possibility"? to draw me further in? why am i going to continue to be so nice to you when it will earn me nothing but further heartbreak?
and there you are, sitting on okcupid, probably searching profiles, sending messages, sending woos, trying to meet girls. i've said it before, and i'll say it again... i hope you find someone. i hope you have an amazing date. i hope you fall hard. and i hope she breaks yr heart. i need you to understand exactly how you have made me feel. i need you to ache like there is nothing else in the world besides that ache. i need you to wake up every morning with a heaviness on yr heart...
i love you more than i will ever love another human being. so is it wrong for me to wish bad things and broken hearts on you? is it wrong for me to want you to writhe in the same pain i feel every day? is it wrong for me to wish only heartache on you until you realize that it's me that will be yr perfect complement, yr perfect love, and yr perfect life?
hate is the inversion of love. and i'm not sure if i'm there yet. i know i hate you, but is it truly hate, or do i just tell myself that so i can imagine myself not loving you anymore? but i don't want to not love you anymore. i want to love you forever, for every single day of the rest of our lives.
i'm clearly delusional. someone should check me into an asylum and throw away the key.
forever.
for as long as i'll love you.
which is, to say, forever.
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