Thursday, March 06, 2008
i want nothing more than our futures to collide.. can tell this is going to be one of many disappointing nights.. traces of you are so minimal.. a black and white bar photo booth with us.
when can i claim you to be my own, so selfishly? when can i claim you to be my own, my only?
i have only one week to make you mine. then i may never see you again. there is someone else who needs, there is someone else who needs yr attention..
but i'm willing to wait.. i'm willing to wait..
...
it will never be the same, never be the same again
oh it will never be the same again
the honorary title
when can i claim you to be my own, so selfishly? when can i claim you to be my own, my only?
i have only one week to make you mine. then i may never see you again. there is someone else who needs, there is someone else who needs yr attention..
but i'm willing to wait.. i'm willing to wait..
...
it will never be the same, never be the same again
oh it will never be the same again
the honorary title
600th post.
had a great observation at work today. i texted you, and you replied that i should be proud of myself and that you are happy for me. you are the first person i think about when i have good news to share.
want nothing more than for our futures to collide...
had a great observation at work today. i texted you, and you replied that i should be proud of myself and that you are happy for me. you are the first person i think about when i have good news to share.
want nothing more than for our futures to collide...
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
i can see it in your eyes.. i can see it in your smile, yr all i've ever wanted, and my arms are open wide.. cos you know just what to say, and you know just what to do..
and i want to tell you so much, i love you ...
...
cos i wonder where you are, and i wonder what you do... are you somewhere feeling lonely, or is someone loving you? tell me how to win your heart for i haven't got a clue
but let me start by saying, i love you ...
lionel ritchie
and i want to tell you so much, i love you ...
...
cos i wonder where you are, and i wonder what you do... are you somewhere feeling lonely, or is someone loving you? tell me how to win your heart for i haven't got a clue
but let me start by saying, i love you ...
lionel ritchie
that about sums it up.
i don't know. i mean, it's ok. i'm thinking of you less, but it doesn't stop me from being so confused. the thing is, i feel like we're meant to be together. and maybe if i concentrate hard enough on the idea, we'll be together. i don't want anyone else, and that is a fact. i can imagine no better life than the life i would have with you. we would have together. and i know i'm insane, but sometimes i stop worrying for 5 seconds and think that it will be. that we will be. because there is something there.. regardless of where we are in our lives, it's there.
maybe i'm wrong. maybe i invented this, like i invented the persona for tom. but i don't think so. from the early days of our friendship all those years ago i knew you were the man of my dreams. for two years i admired you and adored you from afar while sitting right beside you. stealing glances, sometimes stares. living for the days you would walk me down to the lightrail and hug me. the way i would feel yr arms around me for hours after you'd gone. quietly, i never told you how i felt. i couldn't complicate things. it killed me, but i kept mum, i stood by yr side, i supported you when you needed support. always loving you, but never having the guts to tell you what i felt. i felt so connected to you, always thinking that someday things would stop working with her, and you would be single. and then maybe you would notice me. fast forward and it turns out you had noticed me, but that whole girlfriend thing had everything complicated. and we see each other for the first time in three years... there are immediate sparks, and you cannot deny that. the day we sat on yr sofa talking.. the day i was supposed to be there for an hour and stayed for five. and you said i could crash there. you said i could come back the following day if not. and i did, and we spent several more hours together. you said you were free most weekends. we started building something in our minds. two weeks later we watched once and you held my hand as i cried. giving each other hand massages in a sorry excuse to just touch... i will never forget the way you collapsed against my chest that night.. you just sort of fell into me, resting yr head on my shoulder. my heart beat so fast, it was happening! it was all happening! my patience had paid off.... i stroked yr hair and you lifted yr chin and kissed me. and i was addicted. the room was on fire from all of the sparks, the way you insisted it was too late for me to drive home... i can't believe that you wanted me to stay. i can't believe you wanted to give us a chance. and now you are gone, you don't want me to stay and you don't want my love.
i swear, if nothing else in this world is true, it's that i will never meet anyone that i feel as strongly about as i feel for you. if nothing else in this world is true, my heart bleeds for you.
if i say it again and again, maybe it'll happen. we will be together. i won't end up with anyone else. YOU ARE THE MAN I AM GOING TO MARRY. or else i won't marry at all.
i don't know. i mean, it's ok. i'm thinking of you less, but it doesn't stop me from being so confused. the thing is, i feel like we're meant to be together. and maybe if i concentrate hard enough on the idea, we'll be together. i don't want anyone else, and that is a fact. i can imagine no better life than the life i would have with you. we would have together. and i know i'm insane, but sometimes i stop worrying for 5 seconds and think that it will be. that we will be. because there is something there.. regardless of where we are in our lives, it's there.
maybe i'm wrong. maybe i invented this, like i invented the persona for tom. but i don't think so. from the early days of our friendship all those years ago i knew you were the man of my dreams. for two years i admired you and adored you from afar while sitting right beside you. stealing glances, sometimes stares. living for the days you would walk me down to the lightrail and hug me. the way i would feel yr arms around me for hours after you'd gone. quietly, i never told you how i felt. i couldn't complicate things. it killed me, but i kept mum, i stood by yr side, i supported you when you needed support. always loving you, but never having the guts to tell you what i felt. i felt so connected to you, always thinking that someday things would stop working with her, and you would be single. and then maybe you would notice me. fast forward and it turns out you had noticed me, but that whole girlfriend thing had everything complicated. and we see each other for the first time in three years... there are immediate sparks, and you cannot deny that. the day we sat on yr sofa talking.. the day i was supposed to be there for an hour and stayed for five. and you said i could crash there. you said i could come back the following day if not. and i did, and we spent several more hours together. you said you were free most weekends. we started building something in our minds. two weeks later we watched once and you held my hand as i cried. giving each other hand massages in a sorry excuse to just touch... i will never forget the way you collapsed against my chest that night.. you just sort of fell into me, resting yr head on my shoulder. my heart beat so fast, it was happening! it was all happening! my patience had paid off.... i stroked yr hair and you lifted yr chin and kissed me. and i was addicted. the room was on fire from all of the sparks, the way you insisted it was too late for me to drive home... i can't believe that you wanted me to stay. i can't believe you wanted to give us a chance. and now you are gone, you don't want me to stay and you don't want my love.
i swear, if nothing else in this world is true, it's that i will never meet anyone that i feel as strongly about as i feel for you. if nothing else in this world is true, my heart bleeds for you.
if i say it again and again, maybe it'll happen. we will be together. i won't end up with anyone else. YOU ARE THE MAN I AM GOING TO MARRY. or else i won't marry at all.
Monday, March 03, 2008
i realize i'm not writing but who cares anyway?
heard from steve today regarding the package i sent last week. 7:16pm: "hi. i just wanted to let you know that i got the package the other day but i just can't reply right now. i hope yr doing ok and i'll talk to you soon." i don't expect a response, and i told him so. i said "hey. you don't have to reply unless you want to. it wasn't written for a response, rather for me to say stuff so i don't regret not doing so. hope you are well." so i don't know. i'll call him in a couple weeks to say hi. if he brings it up, we'll talk. but i really don't want to talk about what i wrote. and i really don't want to hear that he didn't feel the same. so basically i just wanna say hi, see what's up, how he's doing, and then move on.
i feel like, even if steve and i never end up together (which we won't, because experience teaches me that i don't get what i want), i now know exactly what i want in a relationship. steve and i were like a blueprint of what i want my future to look like. so i guess that is a plus and i can't be too sad.
i still adore him, but it fades by the day. i'm upset that he didn't get in touch sooner, but i guess at least he did. i don't care. i didn't mean anything to him, i was a re-learning experience. i don't deserve a good guy. and he's obviously not ready. whatever. i don't make sense because it's clear that my affection still runs deep, but what can i do? nothing. that's what..
ok sleep.
heard from steve today regarding the package i sent last week. 7:16pm: "hi. i just wanted to let you know that i got the package the other day but i just can't reply right now. i hope yr doing ok and i'll talk to you soon." i don't expect a response, and i told him so. i said "hey. you don't have to reply unless you want to. it wasn't written for a response, rather for me to say stuff so i don't regret not doing so. hope you are well." so i don't know. i'll call him in a couple weeks to say hi. if he brings it up, we'll talk. but i really don't want to talk about what i wrote. and i really don't want to hear that he didn't feel the same. so basically i just wanna say hi, see what's up, how he's doing, and then move on.
i feel like, even if steve and i never end up together (which we won't, because experience teaches me that i don't get what i want), i now know exactly what i want in a relationship. steve and i were like a blueprint of what i want my future to look like. so i guess that is a plus and i can't be too sad.
i still adore him, but it fades by the day. i'm upset that he didn't get in touch sooner, but i guess at least he did. i don't care. i didn't mean anything to him, i was a re-learning experience. i don't deserve a good guy. and he's obviously not ready. whatever. i don't make sense because it's clear that my affection still runs deep, but what can i do? nothing. that's what..
ok sleep.
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