is it too late to heal?

you let me down today. i mean, i knew you would. im pretty much used to it. when did i cease to amaze you? i remember the messages saying "i wish i was seeing you tonight," but those haven't come in a while, and theyve been replaced by excuses. so i guess you read my away message, and you figured it was you i was asking why you don't think im amazing anymore. because i got a message tonight.. "i wish i was watchin a movie right now. :(" because that was the plan.

then i stop and i realize that i let you string me along. im completely conscious of the fact that we aren't together, and we won't be together. its 1997 all over again. maybe i should never have forgiven you. maybe i should have stayed mad. sometimes i wish that it would have rained when you left that note on my car, and the ink would have washed away, leaving me completely unable to get in touch with you. and then i remember that stupid saying.. "fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me." but i'm not fooled, nor was i then. back then, you stayed on the phone with me until all hours of the night, asking me to talk so you could fall asleep to my voice.. or youd remind me that it was 3 am and that you loved me. how badly you wanted to be with me. blah blah blah blah blah. you didn't leave her, and you, in fact, left me when she told you to. today its different. there is no "her" in the way, just yr selfishness.. and i can't get over the fact that we are perfect complements, that we make each other so happy, and that we can practically finish each others sentances.. i can't forget the wow chemistry, the way i feel when you look in my eyes, or the rollar coaster feeling i used to get when i listened to "hands down." i fool myself into believing that i could be yr everything... if youd let me. i let this happen. i let you take every opportunity to make me believe that you really do care, and that you still think i am amazing girl. you come around when its convenient for you, when you are on yr way out on tour again, or when yr on yr way to the city for a show. you havent come here with the intention of watching a movie and falling asleep with me in months. everything adds up, so why do i refuse to acknowledge the math?

because i'm addicted to love, and a sucker for heartbreak.

i think my apartment has fleas in it. it's really gross, sometimes i see little gnat like bugs around, and i always feel itchy. but we dont have pets. and there are no pets allowed.. so how did we get fleas? plus i dont feel itchy when i go out, so *i* don't have fleas. ew. must get bug bomb.
i'm sleepy, i worked all day, and now i'm very blah. my tattoo is all peely, this girl at work told me i needed to stop moisturizing so the last layer of scab could peel off. her dad owns a super famous tattoo shop, so i'll take her word for it.
i watched the rules of attraction last night, and it kinda freaked me out. i was sitting home alone in the dark and like squeaming. is that even a word? squirming, perhaps. i dont know. i didnt really know what it was about, but i guess it was good besides the icky parts.
i just listened to my punk rock mix tape, the first mix i remember making.. i made it in 1997, for this kid jeff who lived around the block and wanted me to make him a mix of some good pop punk songs. then i copied it for myself. its soo good. old school weston, halflings, the disenchanted.. every time i listen to it i giggle.
now i will play dr mario and amuse myself.

so confused...

ooble de gah.

yes. work involved drama today and a lack of sufficient tips. my back hurts kinda. it's 630pm and i have nothing to do for the whole night. i could do school related activites. i will not. i was hoping to see my enigma tonight, but alas.. busy boy.
i wonder if anyone reads this. or how i would know if they did.
maybe i'll watch a movie.

so. im sitting on the couch in a bra and my work pants, smoking a cigarette. i've been thinking about this online journal thing for quite some time. see, i used to publish this zine, and it was pretty much my journal. and its been like 5 years since i could mindlessly publish my soul. somehow, i feel the time has come again for me to make my thoughts public. is this self indulgent?
anyway.
i have to leave for work in half an hour. im frustrated today, as with many days, bc i woke up alone and bored. thats the problem. my life has lost all of its excitement. im in this mire of school and work and antisocial behavior. i got tired of rebelling against the system, so now i play literati. accomplishing just as much as i did when i was an activist. nothing.
maybe i need a hobby. maybe this will do.