is it too late to heal?

ive said goodbye. i sent this. i feel strangely at ease....

I’m going to regret sending this the second I do it. I won’t regret the content, I’ll just regret having opened my mouth. Probably because for so long I’ve been so afraid to walk away from you because I know that I’ll miss you, and I know I will feel like there is some stupid void in my life without you in it. But I’m tired, Joe. I’m tired of playing this game we play, I’m just tired. We ceased to be friends a long time ago. You really don’t know shit about me. I don’t think you really care about me. If I needed you, if I needed a friend, I don’t think you would even be there for me. What we have now is this stupid relationship, where I have become this girl you fuck when it’s convenient for you. But you know what? I’m a real person, with depth, and feelings, and all kinds of human traits. I’m more than a vagina that you enjoy being inside. I’m so involved in yr life, I know about yr band and yr problems and I support you wholeheartedly all the time. You don’t know anything about my life, because you have chosen to not be involved in it. If anyone else comes along, if anything else comes up, you bail on ME. You have comments from everyone else about what a good friend you are, how yr always there and all this shit. So I guess it’s just me, it’s just me because you know that no matter what you do, I’m not going anywhere. Because you know that I have loved you unconditionally for so long, and you know that you can push me really far and I’ll stick around. It’s so easy to bail on me, it’s so easy for you to not fit me in. I’m yr stupid secret friend, I’m not a part of yr life. You know what? I gave up everything for you. I moved out here because you said you wanted to be with me. I left my life to be a part of yrs, and you walked out on me. I should have known better since you always had an excuse (my favorite was when you said you didn’t trust I wouldn’t hurt you.. I mean, come on. It’s been 8 years and I haven’t hurt you once!) I got over the fact that you didn’t want to be with me, I guess, though I still believed you wanted to be my friend. But I don’t anymore, and I can’t keep pretending that it doesn’t hurt when you do this all the time. My life sucks, Joe. It sucks and I hate it, and I have no one out here. I spend most of my time alone, and every time I try to hang out with you, something better came along, or I “didn’t get the text.” I am coping with the fact that my life is just a long string of disappointments and bad decisions. And I am sure that I will add sending this to the list of bad decisions, but I can’t keep it all inside anymore. For some reason, you have meant so much to me for so long. I fell in love with you the minute I met you, and I haven’t been able to let go. But it’s time, you don’t need me, and you will never feel the same way about me as I have felt about you. And as long as I think yr gonna hang out with me, I’m going to be disappointed. I have always thought that somehow things would work out, because I thought that since I walked away once and you still thought about me four years later, that there was some bond or something. But they aren’t going to, and I don’t think you will ever be able to appreciate me, as a friend or as anything else. I want you to understand that I care about you an incredible amount. I would give anything to be able to be some small part of yr life, but you won’t let me. I feel nauseas writing this. I hate this, I hate doing this, and I think I’m going to be a huge mess after I hit send. I already am. And I miss you already… If you ever need me, I'll be here. I promise.

so he says he messaged me. he doesnt get reception north of 25a. didnt get my message til he was on his way home.

whatever. i give up.

*yr hiding something, cos it’s burning through your eyes. i try to get it out, but all i hear from you are lies.. and i can tell you’re going through the motions, i figured you were acting out your part.. once again, we’re playing off emotion which one of us will burn until the end? catalyst, you insist to pull me down you contradict the fact that you still want me around and it’s all downhill from here and it’s all downhill from here.. yr good intentions slowly turn to bitterness. reoccurring episodes with each and every kiss (let’s go!) and i can tell you’re going through the motions, i figured you were acting out your part.. once again, we’re playing off emotion which one of us will burn until the end? catalyst, you insist to pull me down you contradict the fact that you still want me around and it’s all downhill from here and it’s all downhill from here.. and i can’t believe you pulled it off again, or notice till it all sets in, you’ll deny it til yr at your bitter end.. and i can tell you’re going through the motions, i figured you were acting out your part.. once again, we’re playing off emotion which one of us will burn until the end? catalyst, you insist to pull me down you contradict the fact that you still want me around and it’s all downhill from here and it’s all downhill from here.. and you keep pulling me down!(pulling me down)(pulling me down) you contradict the fact that you still want me around, and it’s all downhill from here.. and it’s all downhill from here*
newfoundglory.

so. i got up this morning, early, and i showered. i picked out super nice clothes. i ulled my hair back pretty. and you stood me up. i mean, i knew you would. you always do.

the thing i dont get, though, is why yr so mean about things all the time. like, if you dont wanna see me, then dont pretend like you do. if i ask you if you want me to bring you soup tomorrow, cos yr sick, and you say "sure, why not? call me tomorrow." then why do you mean "ha. call me tomorrow, and i wont answer."? just fucking get it over with, tell me you really only want to talk to me when im not near you, so that im keeping you company when yr away, but yr too busy when yr home. why not make something up? the conversation could have gone much more easily. i could have asked you if you wanted me to bring you soup, and you could have said any number of things. a) "i dont think ill be feeling up to company." b) "i have plans tomorrow to record and i dont think ill have time." c) "i have a job interview." anything. just not "sure, why not?" especially when i know yr gonna stand me up..

so now my clock says 4:25pm. i placed a call to you at 2:57pm. almost 2 hours ago. yesterday, when i signed off aim, i said "so ill call you tomorrow between 245 and 3 cos i dont get recepion in school. and then ill bring you soup to nourish yr sick self!" and you said, "ok cool. sounds good." by now it should have clicked that i said i was gonna call you. but maybe later you'll text me (you will not call to apologize!), and youll say you just woke up. or that you were recording.

he said he had to record some guitar tracks, but he said "call me".

i fucking hate you.

*i know that you love me and soon you will see you were meant for me, and i was meant for you*
jewel

im waiting for the bathroom so i can take my contacts out and go to bed. so ill write for a minute.

i saw joe last night. he got here at 1230. we played 3 rounds of tony hawk, and i won. seriously we lasted maybe 20 minutes together before stuff was happening. actually, as soon as he got here, i went to the bathroom to put contacts in (cos id been sleeping), and when i got back he was all under my covers already. so we cuddled. sigh. the whole time i couldnt stop thinking that there is no way im not in love with him. i dont know what to do about it, though, bc if he was in love with me, he would somehow show it. and he doesnt. we talked about how his band is going to europe. then we talked about him, and his parents, and how hes broke. and how what we both want in a relationship is to stay home and watch movies and eat in and just be homebodies. i swear we were meant for each other. doesnt he get it? we are perfect for each other. perfect. PERFECT. i wanted to scream "i love you love you love you" but i knew that would be wrong. someday i will break down, and i will tell him that i love him too much for this. and ill walk away. cos i think i will always love him, but if he isnt involved in my life, then maybe i could push it far enough away that i can move on. i cant wait forever, although i would... i laughed and said "haha imagine we lived together? it would be nakedness and cuddling and staying in hahah" and he agreed. he said we would dread leaving and make up excuses to get out of family functions and other assorted activities so we could stay home and watch movies. and how we'd save a ton of money bc we would never go out, just stay home and be together. and we agreed that we'd rather make dinner than go out, and all that.

it was just intense. i missed him when he left. i talked with him today on AIM and through texts and he was good, and he told me he was proud of me for something that happened at school. but he didnt want to come over tonight. and i have a feeling i wont be seeing him for a little while. i will probably see if he wants to come over every week for the rest of the time hes home though. in hopes that he'll fall in love. or something.

but he wont.

start preparing yr speech, gille. you must move on....