is it too late to heal?

oooooh dashboard's on leno TONIGHT! right now. playing the spiderman song. mm. loooove dashboard!!!! love love love. anyway, chris is wearing ugly shoes.. "and I AM FINE! but i am cleaning up so well, i am seeing in me now the things you swear you saw yrself, like hope.. it dangles on a string.." also, his eyebrows are wayyy bushy. and the sleeves he has are hidden by his dress shirt, but peeking out and look so funny.

yay. im in love.

*but did you wanna listen.. you took the world with you.. so what is left, so what is left for me? i try so hard to figure out why no explanation keeps me waiting lets try because i know you won't forget i know even if the story is over, i know, its over, i know its over, its over.. but did you wanna listen.. you took the world with you.. so what is left for me.. what is left for me, what's left for me?*
finch

im listening to finch (obviously). i dont know why. all the songs sound the same. like all-american rejects. one song is good, but if you listen to the whole cd, you forget there are different songs and it gets annoying. they all bleed together. bleh. plus the lyrics just arent *that* good.. i mean. some are, like the ones up there, but they are kind of mediocre. i like the way they are sung much better than the way they appear written. the italics is yelling. good times.

no one is online. im bored.

well.. lets see. i finished survivor last night, it was really good, but the end was very open. it was way intense, i couldnt stop reading it, and by the end i would look at the page number i was on and be shocked id just read 30 pages without even noticing that any time at all had passed. the fact that i have taken the subway both to and from work all three days so far this week has added to my ability to better read books. all three days i had 25 minutes at least on the stationary G train in court square.

oooh so two nights ago, i was waiting on the E platform, and an A comes.. and the engineer tells me that the E is running on the N/R line and i have to walk over to times square. i didnt *ask* he just leans out his window and says this to me. so i was all boo, and i started walking over there, and an E comes. and runs on the E line. i was on the above level, and i had to like RUN down the handicap ramp to make the train, since it goes in spiral and takes forfuckingever to get down there. i was like "motherfucker." he almost made me walk underground miles to the other side.. i mean, id have walked from 44th and 8th over to 42nd and broadway in the stuffy tunnels. i would have gotten there, and found no E trains, and i would have been very upset.

anyway. so i finished survivor, but i wasnt sleepy, so i started reading my agatha christie, and then there were none. i think i have like 100 pages left, and seeing as michael has abandoned talking to me on AIM at night, i think ill finish tonight. then i can start journal of the dead, which im psyched for.

i talked to the enigma on AIM yesterday. it was lame. we talked about books, i said id finished invisible monsters, and that i was about to finish survivor, and he said he was just starting invisible monsters bc of all the van drama.. and he told me to tell him about journal of the dead when i finish it. the conversation was dull, as usual. nothing risque, nothing dirty. so i said i was going to bed, and i was like "have good dreams *wink*" and he was like "ha, you too" so i said "haha, i guess yr not into dirty dreams anymore" and he said thats what he was hinting at, like i was. so i said i wasnt used to him being so subtle, and he fired back something dirty, but it felt insincere, like he felt he had to since his attraction to me was in question. or being questioned. in some roundabout way. so im just letting go for now. i cant say im letting go for good, cos every time i say that i digress and fall in love all over again. im just not gonna message him. he can say something when he misses me. or when he sees a girl that looks like me at a show. every day it gets easier to not message. im starting not to care. im kind of tired of everything. i have no more energy. i cant fight for him, its a losing battle. he was worth the fight for a long time, but now it seems like its a lost battle, and there is nothing left for me to do. he's made up his mind, even if he isnt sure yet. im sure he's sure. i think that the timing excuse is just that.. an excuse. i think its convenient for him to say if we had better timing we could be together. but if he really cared about me, he would find a way. which he hasnt. ive given him TWO YEARS to fall in love with me. he hasnt. its time to go, gille. its time to pack away the feelings, and move on with yr life. forget moving back to long island, thats not going to change anything. it will just make you a more convenient lay. if i can break the cycle before i get there, the convenience will be lost. he hasnt proven himself to me. he hasnt proven that he isnt going to break my heart like he did in 97. in fact, he has proven that he will break it again and again until i get smart enough to move on and forget that he makes me feel like he does.

you know. i was watching who wants to marry my dad a few weeks ago, like last monday or something i forget. anyway. and now its down to two women, and the daughters have to choose one. and from what i gather, he has feelings for both women, but stronger feelings for the brunette. but the both women have feelings for the dad.. so someone is getting their heart broken monday. i think it will be the blonde. i will feel bad for her. i will know how she feels when the daughters select the other woman, and how let down she will feel, especially seeing as she must know in her heart that the dad would rather be with the brunette.

but you know, when they say things, they dont mean them. they being men. cos, i mean, the enigma, he said all this crap about how he thinks he would be happier with me, and how he wakes up wishing she were me and blah blah blah, but it means nothing and its all lies.

my away message today and yesterday was "the truth would hurt less than the thousands of lies that keep me here.." but i dont know if he saw.

ooooh so dashboards supposed to be on the leno repeat tomorrow. woo. too bad its friday. i will try my best to be home by 230. i will probably cab it.

and i have cure tickets for saturday! saturday! and the rain forecast has gone! now it says mostly cloudy! cloudy i can do! YAY! YAY!

ugh i have to do laundry tomorrow. i woke up this morning (afternoon) at 1, and i was like "ok, laundry" and then seconds later i was like "ok sleep." and i slept. till 330. then i had to get up and dressed for work. i think thats why i was so despondant at work, i was sleepy and bored, and i wanted to be in bed still. so hopefully getting up at 1 tomorrow will help me. i will go wash clothes, and then come home, shower, and get ready for work. but ill be up watching tv, and therefore i will be more alert once i get to the workplace. maybe ill even leave a little early so as i can eat a meal when i get there. i had a chewy sundae tonight. mm. i only ate like 1/3 of it, though, and then i let lee and christine eat the rest. i was full.

ooook. im saying nothing of importance. i will turn to agatha to assuage the painfulness of the loneliness im feeling right now.

*freedom's just another word for nothin left to lose*
janis joplin

still suspended in this WAY CRAPPY bad feeling thing. just before i was eating a cracker and mid bite i *totally* lost my appetite. i had to force myself to swallow it.

work was good tonight. it was me, derek, rebecca, bart, and david upstairs. there were a few other people, but they were easy to ignore. it was soooo busy! there were only eight servers on the floor upstairs, and i had two sections. so i made $157 in 6 hours. YAY. i was home by 115, and now im just chillin. chatting with michael on aim, as always. we're discussing my psychic bad feeling.

ok. so back to the feeling. it usually means something bad is going to happen to me emotionally. something unexpected. examples:

• in 1998, i  used to get this feeling when ian was online. he had me blocked, after our whole ithaca disaster, and i kept having this feeling, so i made a new screen name and i found he was blocking me.. and i didnt know why, it wasnt like i KNEW he was blocking me, i just thought he wasnt on. then i had a feeling and i found out he was avoiding me, and it hurt bad.
• senior year of high school i was seeing this kid chris, and i was walking down my street and all the sudden i got this feeling, and i was like "chris is breaking up with me" and i got home, and i checked my email, i had one from him, breaking oup with me, out of the blue.
• when nick showed up at my apartment in williamsburg, i had this feeling. i told stef that he was there to tell me that we werent getting back together, and he wanted to be with jan. she told me i was being ridiculous, but i went down and thats exactly what he told me. and before that i had not an inkling that they were like falling in love while i wasnt around. i thought she was my friend, and i thought he cared about me. it was a huge shock.

so. i mean, its usually something incredibly shocking, or unexpected. there is *nothing* that enigma could do, short of wanting to be with me, that would shock me. and besides, i wouldnt have a BAD feeling if that was gonn happen. i wouldnt be surprised if he said we couldnt be friends anymore. i think i am at the point where those words would only bring me relief. he would be letting me go. and in addition, i think that i wouldnt even believe him if he said it. i dont think he could walk out of my life. ive said it before, ill say it again. i think he lacks the self control necessary to refrain from being a part of my life. i would have to step in and make the change, i would have to be so mad at him again that there would be no more chances left (for some years, at least). he stopped paging me when i never called him back in the old days. i got cryptic pages from him, saying he missed me. im sure i would get those again, and they woud only stop if i never ever responded.

argggh!

im so frustrated. the inside of my left hand hurts. maybe im having a heart attack.

*youve been asking me to bleed. it seems these kinds of questions, they come to easy to you now, and yr lack of shame comes naturally, i should not be surprised, i should have seen it sooner.*

*the frightening facts we've been facing our backs to for so long now are begging for lies to bear witness to lies and indifference. now we're saying aloud the things we've declared in our silence. that new coats of paint will not reaquaint broken hearts to broken homes.. broken homes.*
 
*dont you see what this takes of me?*
dashboard confessional
 
so. here i am. did you miss me, at&t bell laboratories? or any of you other random IP addresses i find in my blog register. im listening to the swiss army romance. i have been all day. i finally gave up on brand new. i think i listened to deja entendu for like 3 weeks straight. on the lirr saturday i switced to cusrive's storms of early summer. i listened to it for a day, and i put it in the regular cd player when i got home yesterday, but today i opted to go for dashboard. i have been neglecting my true love for a while.

well yah, so i was MIA for three days, eh? or two. well i think the last post i had was friday night/saturday morning. its now monday night. saturday i worked. it was lame, if i recall, not very busy, not very much money. i said i needed to make $100, and i made $90, which just isnt good enough. i came home, packed, and went to the lirr. got to li.. hung out with mom. she did puzzle books while i read invisible monsters. and yoda laid on my legs which was comfy. gille hearts kitties! especially yoda the baby kitty! YAY. um, yah, so then jay came over and i got up and went to my room, where i continued readong for a while. then sleeeeep. i went to bed early, at like 1am. got up at noonish, showered, and continued reading. i finished the book, and i highly recommend you read it. ok? it was fucking good, and it was a page turner, i read all 297 pages in like 3 days. i could not put it down unless i had to work or i knew i should be sleeping. seriously, every page had a new surprise, and everyone should have that experience. so whatever, then everyone was showered and dressed, and we went to my aunt's graduation party. ate food, mingled with my dad. played with the baby. he is walking now, and he like ran across the floor it was hilarious. then he fell, and what he does is, he gets into crawl position and he wiggles his butt for a minute. then i put my hands down and he used them to stand back up and i picked him up and carried him over to my cousin, his mother.

after the party yesterday i went home and changed, then i went over to my dads house. he showed me around his new camper, and he was so adorable, showing me how the a/c worked, and the stereo and all the storage and you would just have to know my dad to understand how silly he is. we looked at my stocks bc we wanted to see how little money i have in my account in case i need it if i dont get a job. its only like one months rent, though, which is not going to help. at all. after that we looked through his cassettes and had some ice cream. then i left, went back to my moms and printed out some cover letters for resumes. my brother took me to the 1043 train, which i took to mineola. michael picked me up there, and we went to his diner around the train station. and they didnt have cheddar cheese! WHATEVER. so i got an english muffin. then we came here. it took forever to find parking, and we finally parked on the alternate side side, so we had to move the car at 830. ok, so we come in the apartment and we decide we are going to watch A&E biography's 100 most influencial people of the past 100 years thing i have on video and stay up till its time to move the car. we also picked our top 25. we both had 14 on the list. woo. 11 wrong each haha. but 1000 years is a long time, and the world is big, so it wasnt as easy as you would think. anyway so it was 8 then, so we went to move the car. we decided to go to the bagel store in williamsburg first. ate bagels, then it took us AN HOUR to find a spot we could park while the street sweeper rules were in effect. finally went to bed at like 10am. grr.

today i got up at 4. i got dressed and talked to twon, who i met in union square at 620. we had dinner at the gramercy cafe (cafe = diner lol), then we went to union square park for a while and talked. after that we went to toys r us, i got crayons and two coloring books. then to barnes & noble. i got six books, and they are:

•  crime and punishment by fyodor dostoyevsky
• the mothman prophecies by john a. keel
• ghostly encounters: true stories of america's inns and hotels by frances kermeen
• and then there were none by agatha christie
• fear and loathing in las vegas by hunter s. thompson
• journel of the dead by jason kersten

i figured i should read crime and punishment, seeing as its like a super classic. its 536 pages, though, which by default moves it to the bottom of the order on which i will read them. mothman is like 271 pages or something, and i thin it will be easy, but i will probably be even more scared of west viriginia after reading it. im not sure where it fits in to the order just yet. ghostly encounters sounds like a good time, but its technically non-fiction, which is a little harder for me to get into, and therefore will probably get read right before crime and punishment.  um, i have wanted to read fear and loathing for a long time now, but it is not a proriety. also up in the air for the order it will be placed. now, the ones im really psyched for: the christie and the kersten. i think i might have read and then there were none when i was younger. for some reason it is ringing a bell. however, i think i am wrong, and am thinking of something else. journel of the dead is a true crime book. its about these kids that went to drive cross country in 1999, and they went to camp overnight in the desert, but they got lost and one of them killed the other. they were supposedly best friends, and so its like figuring out why he killed the kid. twon picked it out and told me to read the back, so i did and i think i will read that after i finish what i am reading now (survivor by chuck palahniuk). twon got some books too, one of them was the necronomicon, the book of the dead or something. its interesting. i want to read it. he also got a history of the devil. hopefully i will read those both before i move, bc i would like to, but eh. perhaps i will just buy them. not like i should be reading a text like the necronomicon on the subway, you know?

so after that, we went to virgin bc twon wanted to get a video game. he also bought requium for a dream, the book, whilst we were there. then he went to work and i came home. i talked to candace for a little, and ive been on aol since.. at like 12. eh. 4 hours. boring. i did two crosswords.

sooooooo.. the enigma. still havent been getting usual messages from him at all. he has a myspace profile now, and i looked at it. its practically empty, but he updated it two days ago, and it says "single" in his status. whatever. so um, yah. i was texting with him yesterday, and i asked how was his weekend and he didnt respond. so like 4 hours later i was like "well hope you get the van fixed" and he said it was broke down and they werent gonna make it to ct. booohoooo. yah, so i was like "what is wrong?" and no response. havent heard from him since. last night when mike and i got back here at like 1am he was online. till like 430. he did not im me at all. whatever. i talked to twon about this for a while before, and i was saying that i need for him to walk out of my life. him like the enigma, not him like twon. because the thing is, i would LOVE to make an ultimatum, for him to have to choose all or nothing, bc seriously, we are past the point of friends. we held back from temptation for 4 months in 97, and then for 7 more when we became friends again.. but once that was breeched, its like we KNOW how good the lovin is, and niether of us can control ourselves. we have both said SO many times that we should be just friends, but we cant hang out without hooking up. therefore, we cant be just friends. and if he cant give himself to me in more than just a physical way, i need to walk away and i need to move on. but the thing is, if he chose nothing (which i think there is at least a 50% chance he would) i am not sure, in fact, im pretty sure i couldnt, uphold the threat. i think i would be sad or mad or whatever and then he would message me and i would cave and i would be right back where i am now, seeing as i told him i needed time once before and the amount of time he could live without texting me was but eight days. so i dont know. im just going to unhinge myself from it a little. you know. im not texting him. they played brooklyn tonight according to the webpage. thats like my neighborhood. thanks, asshole. he always does this, he always acts like he misses me, he cant wait to see me, he says all these things about how amazing i am, and how bad he wants me, and how much fun i am and blah blah blah blah blah, and then he sees me and he detaches for a week or two or three. so fine. detach. ill be here, you fuck, you KNOW that, and exploit it. but maybe i wont.

maybe ill be gone.

i cant think of any lyrics. its because i have "faithfully" by journey in my head, cos i was looking at my myspace profile, and i saw mike's comment about the road not being the place to start a family. you know. our journey bond. soo.

work was lame. it was steady, but it was raining, which encouraged camping and not eating. many people just had drinks. low checks. i got a few bad tips, some crappy british people. one guy left $27 for his $26.21 check. thanks, asshole. i ended up making but $136 on my friday night in the bar. i should have made like $50 more. i talked to rebecca and katrina all night. it was interesting. rebecca and i talked about the enigma, she is very involved in my drama for some reason. she always wants to know. so i tell her. because it provides me with an outlet. even though this girl whom i mean nothing to hates him, just as my friends do. perhaps i should wise up. nah.

um, twon visited me at work tonight. he had to go be on the radio with his band (m-lab) in times square, so he stopped by and we smoked a cigarette together. he hasnt slept in like a week. im feeling bad for him. we made plans for monday. i was supposed to come home from LI monday, but i think i will return sunday night instead. maybe ill see if mike wants to go to the beach monday morning, then ill come back to the city in the evening to hang out with twon. that kinda makes sense.

i called my mom this morning and i talked to her about my possible uti. she has some cipro at home, so i am going to take it tomorrow when i get there. my body is kind of freaking me out. see, like i said yesterday, its not that i have the frequent urgency, its more like i have only half the symptoms. so im definitely going to planned parenthood this week to have my yearly exam, and im going to ask them to check me for stds.. kim has it in my head that this could be something serious. she is soooo paranoid about stds, she constantly thinks she and everyone else has one. ok, not to be gross, but the first time i went to the ryan center for the uti i got in early june, they did a lab test on my urine. and when i went back the next week due to the same problem again, i saw the same doctor, and he said that last time my urine has tested positive for E.coli, which is the most common cause of a uti. now, through the course of my discussion with kimberly, she and i researched some common stds, like chlamydia. they are caused by bacteria, as well, and have similar symptoms to a uti, but most of the time the symptoms do not show up. ok. so then i remembered that last time i was there, at the ryan center i mean, the doctor told me that he would check my urine to see what caused the uti, and if there was anything abnormal, he would get in touch with me. and he didnt.. so.. i mean, wouldnt it be a red flag to a doctor for a patient to have two uti's in two weeks? wouldnt he want to check to see what bacteria was causing it? and wouldnt he have called me if there had been anything besides E.coli in my urine? well, i think he would. i think he would check for the bacteria that causes things like chlamydia and gonnorhea. so im feeling pretty secure in my not having an std, but since kim is freaking me out, i am going to be tested to make sure. and i guess it would prove fruitful to go into planned parenthood and tell them that ive been getting utis every time i have sex, and see if maybe they can determine the cause of my discomfort. maybe i am joining the group of women who are just susceptible to utis.. i was reading about them, and some women have to take a single dose of antibiotic after every single time they have sex to ensure they dont get a uti. that would suck, but at least i would know what i had to do.

it is soo sticky in my apartment. its like 438am, and i have work at noon. which means i have to get up at 1045. oops. you know, i feel like this happens every friday night. i get home from work and i blog, and i bitch about how little sleep im going to get. like its something new. and it isnt! every single friday night i get between two and five hours sleep. sometimes i get six, but honestly i cannot remember the last time i went to bed by 5 for a noon shift. i dont know, maybe last friday? i might have gotten six hours last week. its unimportant. ill probably go to bed at like 530, fall asleep around 6, and sleep around 5 hours. woo. i am going to come home from work, pick out something nice to wear sunday for my aunts graduation party, smoke some, and then head out to jamaica for the lirr. i figure i will leave work tomorrow arounf 630 or 7, get home by 8, be out by 830, on a train by 10, and home by 11. i may try to speed up this process a bit, though. i dont wanna get home too too late, cos i do wanna see my momma for a few minutes. even though i will be spending plenty of time with her next week, as we have plans to go look at apartments on the 2nd. but regardless, i do wanna see mom tomorrow, and so id like to get home asap. perhaps i should pick out my clothes tonight.. i dont know. i guess i should not wear a short skirt. i will probably go with the white h&m skirt i wear on all formal occasions that occur in the warmer months, like ams baby shower and graduation and the such. i can wear that with absolutely any tank top i own. and i can wear my brown shoes or i can just wear flip flops. i can wear jeans or shorts home, and i wont have to worry. ok now thats settled.

tonight i was thinking about how bad i just wanna be married. i dont want to date anymore. i dont want to meet boys or anything, i just want to be with the right man for the rest of my life. i wanna have a permanent buddy, not this sometimes casual affair i have going on. especially because im not the only one for him. and he isnt, for me, either. but i would like us to be each others only one. i would like to not sleep with anyone else anymore, literally and figuratively. i mean, id like to share a home and a life with someone. i dont wanna be just gille anymore. im fucking 24 years old. i know that im still young and shit, but i want to have babies, and i want to have THREE, so, you know, its important that i get started on that soon. and if i met the man of my dreams tomorrow, figure it would be 2 years till i was engaged (26), another year before i was married (27), and then id wanna wait at least like 2-4 more years before we had a baby, bc babies are big stress on a new marriage, and we would have to be able to afford the baby. so what, thats like 29-31 already. jesus. i dont wanna wait that long! i wanna have a babbbbbbbbyyyyyyyy. im so retarded, i swear. i just think it would be cool to have something growing inside me, and then to watch that thing grow up. ok maybe im just being delusional bc its 448am and i am very tired. but i really do want to be married. and have a baby.

my neck and shoulders hurt. i need to make $100 tomorrow. id like to make $150. i think i have a paycheck at chevys. my last one was for like 28 cents. seriously. i didnt even deposit it. right now my deposit is at $800 even for two weeks. not bad. if i make $100 tomorrow, then i can probably deposit at least $850, having $50 spending money until tuesday. thats not bad. if i have a check at work and its around $45 (the usual two week pay), then i can deposit almost $900. i paid all three credit cards, plus my sprint bill and my bally dues (grrrr, im not even going to get into how i paid $62.60 per month for the past three years and went to the gym approximately 9 times), and i even renewed my jane subscription for two years. i think i have like $99 left on my bally dues, bc i paid $150 and my bill says i owe $248 in full, so that leaves $98 and i think there were some cents involved. so i think i will send them $50, just to be sure that i dont overpay. i will need approximately $550 for this months bills.. $100 to capital one (which is somehow maxed at $500 eternally, bc i always forget to pay on time, since i pay online. i think i owe them like $400 right now), $100 to bank one (i have finally paid down to like $500 on that card!! it was maxed at $1000 for like a YEAR, and now i havent used it in months, and i pay on time every month and i pay at least $100, and im sooo excited!) and $200 to chase (bc that one is at like $4500 and the balance does not change since i can barely afford the finance charges).. then $70 to sprint, and $50 for my half of our bills here at home. to, $520. plus my rent, $575.. that all comes to... $1095. ugh. if i deposit $900 tuesday, then my account balance will be around $1300. which leaves only $200 leftover toward that at least $2000 figure i estimated for moving expenses. BUT it is still july 24. therefore, i presently have $200 toward moving, and i have approximately 4 weeks to come up with $1300 more. yah i dont know if i can do this. im going to have to work hard and try not to spend too much money. i suppose if worse came to worst i could delve into my $700 safety account. grrr. oh you lovely people, i pity you for having to read through my financial difficulties. but lest i repeat myself: this is not for you, this is for me, and you do not have to read my stupid boring blog. lest i repeat myself? did i even use that correctly? eh.

its 515 now. i read some of invisible monsters in the cab on my way home from work. i am now up to chapter 3. thats page 32 of 297. hmm. tomorrow i will probably get a lot of pages out of the way. i will take the subway both to and from work, which is usually good for about 10-15 pages in either direction. then the subway to jamaica should be good for about 20 pages.. the train to li should get me another 20-30 pages.. and ill probably be bored at home. i told the enigma to call me if he wants to drop by after the wedding he has to attend saturday, but im feeling like i wont be hearing from him. blah blah blah. apparently they are playing in ct on sunday and back to pa on monday. i think he said they were coming home again after that, and then heading out to michigan for a show on friday. tonight they played rockville centre.

ok. this is enough for one night. bedtime for me, its 522, and i have to work tomorrow. maybe i will read for a few minutes before i rest for the night. grr. goooooodnight.

im sort of freaking out. im feeling vaguely UTIish again. this has never happened with him before. is there something wrong with me? im feeling feverish, and a little discomfort. i dont know how it could have happened. im hoping that its just discomfort related to the fact that im supposed to get my period any minute now, or maybe related to the fact that i hadnt hooked up in a while.. but if i have to go back to the ryan center, i will cry. especially because i cannot wait till monday if i have a uti. its friday. im not going tomorrow bc this happened once before, where i had weird discomfort one day, but the next day i was totally fine and i went to the health care unit at pace and they said i was fine and it was a waste of $35. i dont know what to do. i suppose if i am at home, my mom can tell me what to do, but she is going to atlanta sunday morning, and i dont want to bother her. i cant afford to go to the emergency room, and i really cant afford a perscription right now, unless its at the ryan center, since perscriptions are only $5. seriously, i have no idea whats going on with my body. sometimes im fine. like walking home from the diner and at the diner i was totally ok. i got home and i was fine, i peed and it was normal and then i just went again, and it was the normal amount, but there was a slight burning and now im feeling like i kinda have to pee, but its not urgent like a uti. its just bothersome. part of me wants to go ahead and take a uristat so im sure to not feel like i have to pee during the night, but the other, bigger, part of me is like.. no way, dont take it till you know there is something up.. cos im afriad ill take it, and it will mask the symptoms so i wont know if something is wrong or not. now that i know people read this crap i feel more hesitant to write about this, but fuck it, this is for me, and if you are grossed out, then you can stop reading. or scroll down some. but anyway. its just really upsetting me mentally, more than the fact that i have to go back to the doctor.. there has got to be something wrong with me if i have another infection. i thought it was just chris, but.. i mean, the problem never happened with *anyone* i was ever with except ONE guy, and then chris. and its not like this time was a new partner, its someone ive been regularly hooking up with for a year and a half. i have been doing nothing different, i dont see how i would siddenly be dirty these past two months, and besides, if it were that i was unclean, i think i would be coming down with uti's when i wasnt getting any as well as when i was. clearly, not the case. i was careful, i peed after like im supposed to.. but there have been sooo many times in my life when i didnt even bother to pee after and i was fine! what the fuck is wrong with me? why is this happening? is this some stupid way of making me stay away from sexual relationships with men? and then sometimes there is a random shooting pain. like just a second ago. and its still kind of reverberating. but then it will subside.. i dont know what to do. my mom will tell me to drink cranberry extract, but i dont think thats a real cure. i think i need to get antibiotics. my body is going to go into cipro shock. i really want to talk to someone about this right now. part of me wants to stay up till candace wakes up and talk to her. but thats unrealistic. its 420 in the morning. i would have to commit to at least 3 more hours of this nonsense if i did that. i could try kim, but i dont think that would do much. she is probably asleep. i could call my mom, but that would be stupid, since what if im fine? i dont need to be waking up my mom and making her tired when shes already worn out and stressed from her job and the tests she has to take for the new drugs she has to represent and all this.. i cant call antonia, bc that would be weird, i havent spoken to her in a month, and to call her at 430 in the morning would be rude. i could call mike, im sure he would talk to me, but i dont know.. i feel like this is all so senseless, and that i should just take a cranberry pill or like 4 and hope for the best. hmm.. a cranberry pill... ok, well the bottle said to take 2-6 daily with meals. i ate oh, 3 hours ago. 3.5 maybe. oops. and i took 4. it says it helps block the attachment of bacteria to the bladder walls. so. let us see. maybe im only feeling slightly uncomfortable bc there is baceria *near* there, and these pills will knock those fuckers right out. that would be soo nice. seriously, all i want to do right now is cry. i dont want to look this over for typos, i dont want to go to bed, i dont want to start reading invisible monsters. i want to go to therapy, and i want to cry. i want to go to see jenn, and tell her that there must be something wrong with me, both mentally and physically, and that i keep getting sick and there must be something wrong, and what if i have some weird disease, and i cant have babies? or what if there is something wrong with me, so that i will have to worry about uti's all the time for the rest of my fucking life? and isnt there something wrong with my head? because im so fucking attached to this boy that i cant let go or move on or think about anything else for more than 5 seconds? there has to be something wrong with me. im a failure, im a fuck-up, my body is rejecting sex and its rejecting me, and it wants me to die, die, die. and my head wants me to hurt. can you overdose on cranberry pills? what if i took like 4 more? would that be ok? i looked on webmd last time i had a uti, and it said the only way to cure them is antibiotics. and i think i said, right in this very blog, that i thought that was silly, since what did people do before cipro? did people DIE of urinary tract infections? i dont think so. did they live in CONSTANT pain, feeling like they had to pee all the time? and fuck, people were WAY dirtier then than they are now. im pretty sure that sex didnt only take place after bathing. maybe its fucking summertime. cos you know, it was warm out when i got this shit from chris, and it was VERY warm in my room the other night.. and also, the two times i got uti's in college, i think it was summer.. the second time, the reallllllly bad one, was during summer session. i remember bc i was staying in nicks room, and i couldnt sleep cos i was hot then i was cold and i was freezing and sweating and i couldnt lay down for more than like 5 seconds without feeling like i had to pee.. and i was crying bc i felt so bad and nick wouldnt take me to the hospital, i had to go alone. because he was the meanest boy in the entire world. but anyway. that was summer. and im pretty sure my first one came right around that time,  maybe a month before. see, i think way too much. but the good thing is that i just noticed i wasnt feeling at all uncomfortable. and then i started thinking about it and im starting to feel weird, but then it might just be psychological. i swear i do a lot of things to myself, mentally. did i SAY how badly i cannot wait for therapy? it feels like forever away, im so anxious.. friday, saturday, sunday, monday.. i have to get through four more days and one night. tuesday at noon.. why the hell do psychologists have to go on vacation? shes in martha's vineyard, and i am here, and i NEED her. i fucking need her, what the hell. what am i goint o do without her? how am i going to do this moving thing? i have a relationship with her! i have been seeing this woman weekly for two years. TWO YEARS! she is the only stable thing in my life, everything else is a whirl of crap, kind of like in carrie pilby. jenn is like the only person i talk to about everything all the time. i mean, candace is stable too, but.. its different. there are some things i cant say to candace, and i mean, there are also a lot of things i can say to candace that i cant say to jenn.. but its equal, in a way, and i need them both, and im leaving them both. its different with candace, cos we have a pact to see each other *at least* every other weekend, and we will call each other and email and all that jazz, of this i am sure. but.. when i go, my relationhsip with jenn ends. you dont just casually call yr ex-therapist to talk.. you have to get a new one and forget the old one. you have to forge a whole new relationship, you have to re-explain yr past and yr present, and you have to be re-evaluated. i tried to convince her to let me come in on saturdays, but she said no. fucker. i need this. i needed it this week, i needed it today. i need to talk about the boy and the damage he has done on my mind, and this feeling, this unending feeling that he is gone! but he isnt. not yet. not yet, not yet, not yet only means n-o-t-y-e-t. it doesnt mean not ever. its going to shatter me. this is way longer than the 3.5 months he had me mesmorized in 1997. this is a year and a half, this is march 27, 2003 to present. and this is so much deeper, this is somewhat meaningful, and its physical, and its exhausting. in 97, it wasnt exhausting. it was doomed, yes, but i somehow pulled through it. and i was so sad for a few days, but i got over it, and i kept meeting new guys. and i had more strength, and when he paged me that he missed me, i laughed. i didnt call back. i didnt care, i was hurt, and i wasnt looking back. i dont think he could do it again, i dont. i dont think he could. is it because i keep telling myself that? i try to rationalize, and i think back to the text messages of two weeks ago, or three weeks, or whenever it was that he made me cry at work and i hated myself so much i wanted to die.. he seemed so upset when he was messaging me, he seemed genuinely unhappy that i was miserable, and he said that he still thought about me all the time, even when i hated him.. and i think he walked out bc he thought i hated him, not because he wanted to.. and not because suzanne wanted him to. i think he was scared. and i think thats why im so afraid to stand up to him again, im so afraid to lose him from my life, because for those brief moments we are together, im fine. and im better than fine, in reality, when he's here. im alive, and im happy, and i want nothing but to feel him near me. when he came up here tuesday night, i gave him a huge hug and we came in to my apartment, and we were looking at movies and he was running his nose on my neck and it gave me shivers, it made me feel so good and he lightly scratched my back.. and we sat down to watch the movie and he put his arm around me, and it was so nice and so right, and it would have stayed like that all night. ALL NIGHT! i wish it had. but things move so quickly. i wish i could just cuddle up to him and watch a movie and laugh or be scared or whatever the movie makes me do.. and waking up with him was amazing, but i was a little let down when he didnt smile as much as i thought he would to be waking up with me. maybe he was wishing i was laura. oh my god, what if he was? lets not think about that, ok. he would smile and giggle when i gave him all those tiny kisses, and i liked that. and i loved how when i changed positions in bed, he still cuddled me.. and why cant this be more often? why cant this be all the time? last week he was talking about how we should live together, and he was talking about how we could be in vegas getting married, and i know he was joking around with me, but every joke has a kernel of truth, and thats all i need. you fucking give me an inch and i take a mile. dont you know that about me? he should fucking know that this erratic behavior freaks me the fuck out. i hate when he doesnt see me for a few weeks and he gets all cute and misses me and says all the things i wanna hear, but then when he leaves, he gets distant, and he doesnt stay in touch as well, and he is less responsive. i feel like the roles switch, that he chases me when he needs me, and i chase him after he has had me. i keep starting to cry as i type this. my chest will heave for a second, and my face will scrunch up, you know, and then its gone, like i have no more tears to cry, and im sure thats crap, bc i could cry forever.

the post date for this shit is 401am. it is now 506 on my computer clock. which is fast. its really.. 502am. kind of intense. i have just self loathed for an hour. i have just eaten away an hour of my life. 60 minutes of my stupid, meaningless life has passed, gone forever, and this SHIT is all i have to show for it. i wonder how many minutes of my life i have wasted writing in here. i wonder how many minutes of my life i have wasted being asleep, or feeling sorry for myself, or BEING IN LOVE WITH A BOY WHO IS NOT IN LOVE WITH ME.

but all the minutes are wasted. its stupid and pointless, and when im dead ill be dead, and i wont affect anything or anyone and i will just be dead, and all this struggling, it will amount to nothing but the past of someone who mattered not to anyone or anything. i will not impact the world. i will never make a difference in anyone's life, i am no ones soulmate. i simply am. and i will simply cease to be when my alloted time wasting has come to an end. its not fair. like why the fuck did humans have to evolve so far if they die anyway? whats it to be dead? was there a heaven when there were neanderthals? did they go to heaven or hell? you know, i just feel like this question is unanswerable, and i think therefore, its fucked up and crazy. how can you prove that some mythical place exists when there is not proof, and when is history doesnt go back further than 2000 years? especially since, you know, evolution pretty much rules out adam and eve and the garden of eden. you understand. are there presently neanderthals in heaven? candace thinks that this life is purgatory. i can see her point. but still. some people have it so easy. are they better souls than me? am i fucked up? does my soul deserve to twist in anguish for the rest of my stupid life? and then, i guess i will go to hell when i die if it exists. since i have not lived a very good christian life, seeing as i cannot understand how one could live their life according to these bizarre principles without the gaurentee of something better in death. like calvinists. and the fact that they dont wear yellow. um, just cos you didnt wear loud colors and you didnt drink and you didnt dance doesnt guarentee that you get to go to heaven for being good. so what if there is no heaven? then you went through yr stupid meaningless existence, and you didnt even have fun while doing it. fuck that. not that im having fun, but hey. im fucking lazy as all hell (sloth), i do not know when to say when (gluttony), fury raises within me when i think of this girl i have never met who makes the boy i want to be with want to be with her (envy).. must i go on? and i curse all the time, i take the lords name in vain more often that i should, i dont go to church, i drink intoxicating liquors from time to time, and i engage in the art of smoking daily. lots. i cant see why i wouldnt be headed straight for hell, oh, except that im a good fucking person with a really kind heart and i am totally selfless, so much that i destroy myself to uphold silly games and the pleasures of others. (its only 48 degrees in slt-ste-marie or whatever that place in nothern michigan or minnesota or wherever is. i wish i was there.) so yah. i think that my goodness, and my honesty should be the only things that matter.

ugh. its supposed to rain every day for the whole rest of the five day forecast on nbc. what the hell? that sucks. its going to be in the mid 70s with showers and thunderstorms EVERY SINGLE DAY. i cant handle that. really. i cant. i am anti-umbrella. i am anti-rain. i am also *very* anti-humidity, which goes right along with rain. and i feel like it was just last week when candace and i were discussing how mild it has been, and how it hasnt been too humid.. and last night, kim and i were talking about how it hasnt gotten killer hot yet.. i just took two more cranberry pills. im actually feeling fine right now. im afriad to pee before bed, im scared that it will undo all the good i have done to my bladder by sitting here, swallowing cranberry pills and not having to pee. its been an hour and a half. i think i could go to bed without peeing first, but then again, i dont know, because its so routine, and i am so OCD that i think i would lay in my bed feeling like i forgot to do something until i got up and peed to put my mind at rest. but then i would risk having the pain again. so its lose-lose. just like the possible outcomes of most things in my life.

it is now (acurately) 525 am. thats 23 more minutes wasted. woo. lou is online. i could im him. he is on tour with midtown. as always. hes like their roadie or something i guess.

i kind of want to take some robitussin and go to bed. what if it interacts badly with the cranberry already being ingested in excess by me? seeing as ive taken 6 in an hour. and im pretty sure the "2-6" directive means 2 if you only take them at dinner, 6 is you take them with all yr meals. seriously though, i think if it was dangerous, a) the bottle would be labelled as such; b) there would be directions on what to do in case of accidental cranberry overdose; c) it would be like having it be possible to overdose on cranberry juice; and d) no one has ever fucking died of cranberry overdose, to my knowledge. why am i so fucking nuerotic?

i might actually be tired right now. im gonna make an effort at sleepy night night...

*best wishes have been made for you. you never had no say its true. you have to be the cutest gravedigger ive ever seen. and all your lonely nights in the city of lights are much like all these crowded bars i so often find my stupid self-stumbling through.*
alkaline trio

my belly hurts. kind of a lot. its upsetting me. i think westway tried to kill me.

so.. im still having the bad feeling. i cant shake it, i keep thinking about him walking out of my life again. it hurts already. i dont understand why im feeling this way. i was talking about it with lee, and he was like "you will see him again!" but how does he know? grrr. i dont know, im really confused and scared and .. i dont know. i texted him this afternoon to say hi.. i told him i kept having a bad feeling, and he said he hoped it goes away quick. then later, i was kinda sore all night tonight, and work was reallllly busy so i was like running around and in a lot of pain, and at the end of the night, i was sitting in a booth and i texted him "i think you broke me" and he was like awww whats wrong and we exchanged a few texts, so i mean, he isnt being weird, but he is being sort of aloof. twice i have told him i miss him, and twice he hasnt responded to it. sooo. i dont know. maybe i shall give him space. i will not text him again. i dont know what to do about anything anymore.

in other news, my new free checking account debit card came in the mail today. yay. so now i can go to citibank and deposit my $700 check to myself, and officially have it out of my bill paying check account. i cannot explain how exciting this is for me. i was thinking maybe i would do my banking tomorrow, but then i realized if i really thought that, i would be on crack. there is NO WAY i will wake up tomorrow, before 1pm, wanting to get dressed and go to the bank before coming home and getting ready for my 5pm shift tomorrow. as usual, i will do my banking on my way to or from therapy on tuesday. i have to get my funds in order. this whole moving thing is coming upon me quickly. i am *sure* my mom will lend me the $575 security if candace doesnt have a roommate to give it to me by the time i leave.. if i get a place thats $1000, i will need to have $2000 by sept 1.. so thats like $1425 more than i think i have right now. its almost aug 1, and that will be my last months rent here. i think i have rent plus a little extra right now. ive paid most of my bills. this could go easily for me.

onward and upward..

so last night was alright, i guess. i met up with kim at the malibu diner on like 930. before i got there, i went to barnes and noble and i got fight club, invisible monsters, and survivor. i think i shall finish fight club tonight, i have 15 pages left. then tomorrow i will start invisible monsters. i will be reading the same book as the boy in that case, which makes me kind of happy. so.. i met up with kim and we had mozzerella sticks yum bc they are the best in the city.. she had her usual grilled cheddar bathed in tobasco, and i got fettucine alfredo. we played catch up, and then we went to chevys so she could see some people she missed, such as melissa and gregg. then over to smith's. the saint az boys met us there, as did jesse, lee, and gonzo. jesse was upsetting me by leaning on me, and i didnt feel too good, so i was irritable. i didnt want to drink, and i had nothing to say to anyone. kim got kinda drunk and was hanging all over gonzo, even though she broke up with him two days ago bc she is now going out with LI jesse.. so. i dunno. that was annoying me, cos she's always coming down on the enigma for having feelings for two girls, when meanwhile, SHE has feelings for two boys! and she is leading one on! anyway. so i kinda sat there and didnt drink and everyone kept making faces at me. then we left, and baxter was hugging me and he wouldnt let go bc my hoodie was terrycloth and he apparently loves terrycloth. it was kind of cute. sooo kim and i walked over to like madison or something and we caught a cab. chatted for a little, went to bed. she got up at like 1130 this morning and left to go shopping in the city for her new job.

(drinking stopped being fun when derek decided to not hang out anymore.)

ive been typing for forty minutes. i feel like i have said little to nothing. i feel like i wanna smoke again. i feel like i wanna go to bed. but alas, i only woke up at 430. oops. see, i set my alarm for 2, but i went back to sleep. and i swear i woke up at like 330, but i must have immediately fallen back to sleep bc i woke up and it was 430 and i had to be at work in half hour. which caused me stress, since i now had to call and announce my lateness to management. grrr. so yah. i slept like 11 or so hours and now ive only been awake 11 or so hours, and i just do not see myself falling asleep soon. but. there is no one online, there is nothing to do. im listening to maybe ill catch fire. "sleepyhead" is on. i suppose i could read any of the 10 forwards my grandfather sent me. they disturb me, those forwards. they are always sexual (which is way weird from my GRANDFATHER) or republican propaghanda. which i am opposed to. naturally.

so ive decided to im carmine. i do not know why. i really have zero interest in conducting a conversation with him.

grrr. this is painful. i wish i could just take some sleeping pills and sleeeeep, but that is irresponsible. maybe ill watch a movie, like girls just wanna have fun. i got that for my birthday or christmas or something, and i have yet to watch it. i dont exactly feel like watching anything though.

i wish the tv in my room worked.

i wish i had crayons and a coloring book.

i wish i had the enigma boy in my house or in my life.

i wish i could sleep.

so this feeling of never seeing him again persists. i keep having weird thoughts, mainly bc he was on AIM when i left my apartment, and also when i got back, and then he signed off at like 330 or 4. so he was online. so my mind is like "maybe he was talking to laura all night" and then i start thinking that he wants so badly to work things wout with her that he would probably give me up. i remember in feb 03 when we talked about this, bc i told him he couldnt do that again, and he said that she wasnt like suzanne, she was cool with girls. but.. i dont know i mean, we were not yet sleeping together when we had this discussion. soooo.. i dont know. i had this flash for a second that i would get an email from him saying goodbye. but that would be so pussy of him. and i really dont think he could... bc i mean, i have tried to get some space and he waits eight days before thinking of me and missing me so much that he texts me, even though i *said* i would get in touch with him when *i* was ready. and he texted me a question, so it would have been rude for me to not respond when it was just a harmless querry about where i had stayed in vegas. so i dont know. i just have this terrible feeling, and it makes me half sick to think about it.

anyway. kimberly is here, i shall go to bed now.

*sigh*

he left at 315. that was like 14 hours of together. we went to bed at like 430. woke up around noon. it was fun and it went too fast. we watched some of halloween, made out. sooooo awesome. i looooove making out with that boy. you see, generally i am anti-kissing.  it feels too intimate for me, and i usually avoid it. i enjoyed kissing derek, and i enjoy kissing the enigma. woo. so, anyway. that was fun. after we were in bed, we were talking about books.. it was weird. good, but weird. he reads! i didnt know he read. i really didnt peg his as a book boy. but he does, in the van. he just got invisible monsters, which is by the same guy that wrote fight club. and he ordered survivor (also by chuck pa..whatever) on the internet. so i told him about fight club, and how it got robbed from me. i told him about the books id read recently, and he told me about his. he just finished something, but i forget what. i think it might have been say you love satan. i lent him the perks of being a wallflower. he said he heard it was good, and i also said it was good, and he wanted to break up the authors, since all the books he was reading are the fight club guys books. he said i should read say you love satan. perhaps i will go see about getting it. i am almost done with a seperate peace. i havent been reading lately. the thing is, i only have like 20 pages left, and when i finish it, i am left with great expectations or a reattempt to read this side of paradise. anyway, then he was really sleepy, so he fell asleep, and i actually fell asleep pretty quick. i woke up a lot, once at like 9, and then a couple more times i didnt look at the clock. we were cuddling all night long, it was kinda hot in there. i kept waking up and giving him litle kisses and he would smile and giggle. it was adorable. so we woke up and we talked more about tour, and how he thinks he doesnt wanna play anymore, bc he is broke. and he told me how he got offered his job back. he didnt tell them he was leaving to play with the band, he told them he got a new job.. and they offered him a raise and stuff. guess hes a good worker.. we didnt really talk about what he was gonna do, but he did say that this tour wasnt over till like oct 1. soooo.. im assuming perhaps he will try to get it back when he returns? he was telling me he wants to go back to school to get a MA and be a teacher.. he said he wants to go in southern california. i said that he should probably get his degree in the state he wants to work in, and he said yah, he thought about that. i dont know. it was good conversation, but im pretty sure that he wants to be with laura, and he wants me on the side. i do not know how this will work when he gets back and she is living in the city. i mean, i asked him a while ago, in like june, when he first told me she was moving, if he was going to move to the city with her, and he said no. but.. i mean, he also said today that he doesnt really wanna play in a band anymore. then again, when he said that, he mentioned that he'd been thinking about it for like six months. i dont know. i really have a feeling that its all wrong, and that all of my delusions of he and i being destiny are really just crap, and exactly what i called them: delusions. i have a feeling that he would go to lengths for her, even if they have serious problems. he checked his email when he was here, and i saw there was one from her from yesterday. the subject title was "no excuses." that could mean any number of things. it could have been no excuses from him.. it could have been an email saying she had no excuses for not going to the show at cbgb sunday night.. i wanted him to read it so bad, but he didnt. maybe if *she* was strong enough to leave him and move on, then we could be together. but i dont know the situation. i wish i did. but.. i cant really bring it up. im not meant to know. maybe he will tell me one day.

anyway. he left at 315, after we cuddled and showered and cuddled. we got dressed and came out to the living room and he showed me how to play "radio" by alkaline trio. it was cute, we were talking about it, and he like practically threw me out of bed so he could come show me, and teach me something. he always play chords and goes "thats a backup plan song" or he plays "all apologies" and he gets real adorable. i was telling him how i was destined to suck at guitar, and he was like "rome wasnt built in a day." and i was like "no, it was" then one of us brought up caeser, i think it was me.. and he was like "it was raoul who built rome!" and i was like "raoul sounds spanish to me" and he made something ridiculous up. we laughed. i love how he is full of cliches and corny jokes. later, when we were playing guitar, i was like "thats intense." and he goes "like camping." and i sat there confused for a second.. i was like "camping...?" and he goes "what do you go camping in...." and i started laughing hysterically, and i was like "TENTS! and you used that on me once before, and i didnt get it then, either!" and we both laughed.

my eyes are burning me a little. i cant remember if we went to bed at 4 or 5. i know the last time i looked at the clock is was ??:58. i wanna say it was 458, but it might have been 358 and i rounded up to 4 in my head, and thus it sticks with me? i dont know. i figure he got here at 110, we prob moved to my room at like 215, and we didnt talk *that* much about books, so it was probably around 4 or 430 when i fell asleep. so i guess i probably slept 7 hours -ish, but it was fitfully, i woke up and my neck was all in pain cos i was on his arm and shoulder. my neck hurts today. i turned over and he wrapped me in his arms, but that was really warm after a while. it was realllly hot, but it was like neither of us didnt wanna be cuddling. i suppose being tired today will be the price i paid for a night of cuddles. im going to get sad soon. im not sad yet cos i can still smell him on my pillows and i can still kinda taste him, and smell him on me if i think about it, so it doesnt feel final yet. when i was saying goodbye to him at his car, i had the feeling i wouldnt see him again. i dont know though. i mean, he borrowed my book.. but then, when i got this feeling in 97, i didnt have any idea that suzanne would shortly present him with an ultimatum, and he would choose to stay with her and stop hanging out with me. i dont know. i dont want to think about it. i wanna remain in my happy bubble for a little while longer.

um. oooh i got a check from rutgers today for $370.50! i have NO idea what its for. i thought my checks were done. but it has my name on it, and it shall be deposited into my bank account. i am feeling extremely financially secure right now, things seem to be going right, and its kinda freaking me out. i have like 2 weeks left til my interview in northport, and i am feeling good about it. i am going to long island this weekend, and i plan on typing up ome of my lesson plans to bring in, and i suppose i should bring extra copies of my resume. ok. im going to get ready for kimberly and i's outing with weirdos.

xoxo

ok. he should be here by now. its 1:10. i heard from him at 11:58. im worried he is having a hard time finding parking?  i just sent him a text asking where he is.. but havent heard back. i sent it 6 minutes ago. im freaking out here. i just want him to get here so i can relax and stop being on edge!!!!!!! im sitting here not smoking, totally sober, drinking a coke, with a piece of trident beside me to throw in my mouth before i go down to let him in. eeeeeeeee!! im goin crazy here. crazy crazy crazy. part of me wants to go check and see if he is stading outside. grr. i shall take out the trash! be right back..
 
ok well i did that, and no sign on him out there. hes here!!

i dont think he's coming. its midnight right now, and i havent heard from him since like 530. AAHAHHHAAHH with those words that came off my fingers, my phone began to vibrate, and it says.. "yea. definitely. im leaving now. cool?" YAY YAY YAY!!! ok so the hour long wait begins.. i could clean my room. i could eat something. i could chain smoke a pack of cigarettes in anticipation. ok i have an hour.. maybe 45 mins at this hour.. i wanna brush my teeth again. cos he is anti the fact that i am a smoker. and i dont smoke around him, unless there is a big discussion taking place, or i get emotional, or if the lovin is hotttt and i need one. wow, im kinda starving. ok im going now, bc i need to clean clean clean and make my home presentable. YAY YAY YAY!

aaaahh! im way excited! sooo eeeexxxcited! i just texted him to ask if he was excited, and he was like "absolutely" so YAY. that means like seven hours have to pass now, so as he can get here and the nervous energy can subside bc i will know he is here, i wont have to wonder anymore or wait or feel anxious. right now my clothes are in the dryer at the laundromat, i have to retrieve them in 16 minutes. i washed my uniform, my shorts, my jeans, my pajamas, and pillow cases. everything will smell fresh and clean and we can cuddle in nice fluffy warmth. its gonna be hot. literally. its too hot to be sharing my bed with a boy, but.. i will suffer the consequences. the fan will probably help. eeeee! i asked him if he had picked a movie yet, but he hasnt responded. im kinda hungry but i am afraid to eat bc my stomach is on edge. i feel like i have so much to say, but i have no words to express anything. its all a jumble of muck in my mind and i want it to seperate into thoughts and ideas, but its all like "blarggle" you know? so im gonna concentrate on judge joe brown, and then go get my clothes in 3 minutes. xoxo.

*breathe in for luck, breathe in so deep, this air is blessed, you share with me, this night is wild, so calm and dull, these hearts they race, from self control, yr legs are smooth, as they graze mine, we're doin fine, we're doin nothing at all.. my hopes are so high that yr kiss might kill me, so wont you kill me, so i die happy? my heart is yrs to fill or burst, to break or bury, or wear as jewelry, whichever you prefer*
dashboard confessional.
 
oooh my favorite song ever ever ever. ooooh. ok, well "black" is really my favorite song of all time, and its probably tied with "disintergration," but "hands down" gets closer and closer to making it a three-way-tie all the time. it applies to me right now bc all i can think about is the enigma, and how badly i wanna see him, and how excited i am to be able to hug him tomorrow! he was talking about it tonight! YAY! so i feel more secure. lets see, he said.. "well i cant wait till tomorrow" and "i wish it was tomorrow already. i was thinking of stopping by tonight but i didnt hear from you so i went home" and "i cant wait to be with you." so i feel like he will not fail me this time. i talked to twon via email, and he said that they play at 830, and will probably play till 10. that is bad, bc i have to be here for the boyyyyy!! but i cant tell twon im ducking out to go see the enigma. no one approves of our love. hahaha. our love. imagine? anyway. he said they  might play till 1030, and i said in that case i might have to leave a little early. i told the boy that i would be home around 930. i suppose if i leave at 10 and i take a taxi i can be home by like.. 1015? i dunno i think i will tell him to text me when he is leaving his place. that way i can plan leaving accordingly. he has a history of not getting here till 11 or 12 on nights he plans to spend the night, however, so it is entirely possible that he wont get here till late anyway, and i will be fine to get home in time for the boy. i can just shower when he gets here *evil grin*
 
eeep!! eeep!!! im so excited for tomorrow! i cant wait, im gonna give him a GREAT BIG HUG and a kiss on the cheek and i am gonna grab his hands and lead him up the stairs and get into my pj shorts and come lay on the couch and watch whatever movie he is bringing (i think its jeepers creepers, which i have no idea what its about) and try to hold out. the last movie we got through was wrong turn, starring eliza dushku. the last movie we rented together was school of rock. i took nothing away from that movie. nor did i take anything away from the movie we rented before that, which was 28 days later.
 
i really love how my 20oz coke bottle says "NO REFILL" on the side. did they have *that* much of a problem with people coming to coke factories, demanding a refill since the bottle didnt state it was non-refillabl? also, today i have been refilling my 20oz bottle with the contents of a 1 liter bottle of coke. the reason for this is that they were out of cokes at the bodega, and i refuse to pay more than $1 for my habit, so i got the liter bottles and im pouring it into the smaller bottle. that way it stays colder longer. since it takes me forfuckingever to drink anything. so, is that, like illegal? am i breakin the law? i hope so.
 
getting back to the boy.. oh my oh my oh my. i cannot wait. i know things are going to move really fast, but, in a way, they have to. there is going to be soooo much sexual tension when he gets here that conversation will be awkward. this is what always happens. he fidgets a lot, and makes noises and giggles and looks away from me a lot and smiles silly like a little kid. and i giggle, and i bury my face in his chest, or i whisper things to him and we both want each other so bad that we have to hook up and get it out of the way before we can relax and catch up, and he can tell me about tour.. cos i never talk. he talks a lot. which is funny bc he is really shy and generally not a people person, but he talks and talks, and tells me silly stories about the band and the road and blah blah. and i cuddle him while he talks. sometimes i talk about school, or moving home, or the workplace. last time i had to a lot to tell him and pictures to show him, etc. im kinda intent on getting through a little of the movie tomorrow. i kind of want him to court me, like he did the first night.. when we sat on the couch with some space between us, and he gradually moved over, and his hand found mine.... and his fingers and my fingers danced around before finally settling into the grooves of each others knuckles and holding hands for the first time.. that was so intense, almost as intense as our first kiss. if we settle into laying together mode we wont get passed 20 minutes. last time he was here, we immediately went to my bed bc we were supposed to nap, and we laid facing each other for like 15-20 mins tops before his lips were brushing against mine, and my heart was skipping. i always feel like im going to burst the first time we kiss, bc its always so apprehensive and nervous and insecure. its so cute. part of me is seriously hoping that tomorrow and wednesday will be the time he finally falls for me, irrevocably, and wants to leave laura forever. its not going to happen. as much as i wish it, i know that it will be another time that we have a passionate bunch of hours filled with good conversation and good cuddling, but i still wont be enough. wednesday and thursday will pass with me all smiles, but friday will come, and i will feel hurt and used and broken. see, the thing is, that i realize this, as i do EVERY SINGLE TIME im about to see him, but i cant stop it, i cant say no, i cant decline to see him, bc for those hours we are together i will feel happy, euphoric, elated.. i keep thinking that our sleepover will show him what it would be like if we lived together and make him see that im the one he wants. he keeps saying that hes going to be over all the time when i move home, bc he wont lose 2 hours driving to see me. i dont know though. that cannot cannot cannot keep happening if hes trying to work things out with laura. i mean, i realize that right now i am playing the role of fill-in girl, the role i play so well. "hi, my name is gille, and i ease loneliness. nice to meet you." grr. but hey, im bringing it on myself, i know im not his priority but right now i feel so wanted and so needed that there is no way i could handle not seeing him. he better not cancel.
 
ugh. my belly is still feeling a little fucked, which i am firmly against. i wish i could be painfree for a day. its almost 4 am, and im really tired, but im waiting to see if i hear back from twon before i go. i think ill take the robitussin now, that way i can go to sleep peacefull by like 5. i have to do laundry tomorrow bc before, mike came over with his friend shane and we went to kellogg's, and i dropped a forkful of sour cream on my shorts. they are what i am wearing tomorrow, so i have to wash them. i also want to wash my jeans. and my uniform. and i guess it would be beneficial to have clean socks. if i get up at 2, i can be at the laundromat by 230. wash takes till ike 310, dry till 4. i figure i can shower after, and be ready to leave here at like 6. i think ill go to chevys first, get my schedule, and then head down to the knitting factory. that way, i can just take the G to the E to 42nd St, then walk over to 7th for the N/R to Canal. and i should be there by like 7 or 715 in that case. so yay for me. hehe like my color coded subway references? hehehe. if the boy isnt getting here till like 11, i can prob take the subway home. i dunno though, cos waiting for the G at like 1030 could take up to 25 minutes, and that would set me back mucho. and id be underground and unable to make communications that i was running late. which is *never* good. i could see there being bad things, like him turning around and going home, if he was texting me that he was here and not getting any response. he would eventually call me bc sometimes he texts and i dont get them. but he would just get my voicemail. bad. i could also wait for the bus, or walk from Bedford Ave. or make him come get me if hes already here. hm. not in the city, of course, but on Bedford. but then i would prob have to explain why i dont have my work materials on me.. which would be bad, since im lying to everyone about tomorrow.
 
woo. im sooo bored. bored bored bored bored. im prety much out of my robitussin pm. i dont plan on taking it tomorrow, bc i dont wanna be cranky or groggy when i wake up. so ill have to get more if im still coughing/stuffy this week.. i got regular daytime formula robitussin (which tastes *way* worse than the nighttime!) today, and it helped a little. i think my symptoms are going away on their own. its been like a week now that ive been sick. i started feeling like crap last sunday, my lungs felt all gross ("like ive been abusing them" was the post), and it developed into this awfulness like monday/tuesday. it was intense tues-fri, and began to ebb on saturday. now im trying to ride out the final waves back to my usual healthy self.
 
blah blah blah gille. im going to bed. im going to listen to the old, acoustic "hands down" first and feel the intensity of everything that is about to come! gooooodnight!!

*here in yr bedroom, i can turn my head off.. the less than i feel is the less that im on top.. i wonder what you think as we lay here in bed.. i don't know what im thinking, but that's better for my head*
goldfinger
 
mmm.  i am eating honey maid cinnamon sticks dipped in double chocolate fudge chip frosting. at moments like these, i love life. also, my brother just reported that he brought me some fudge from the jersey shore, where he spent the weekend. i am wayyy excited about that as well. i have to go to LI saturday night for my aunts graduation party on sunday, so i can get it then. yum! yum! yum!
 
i have been having belly issues all day, which is boo, i dont like stomach aches.
 
talked to the enigma earlier for a minute. he said they were on their way to albany, and that laura hadnt shown up the night before. maybe ill text him later to be silly about tomorrow. im not in the mood for anything exciting right now though, i wanna sit here on the couch with my tub of frosting and box of cookies and bottle of coke and stare at the tv.
 
i got myself some raviolis to have for dinner. im not sure i am in the mood though. i also got pb&j, i might go with that so as i can not have to cook.
 
wow so im watching jeopardy, and this ken character is the 34-day champion, and he has won ove a million dollars. im soooo jealous. i just wanna win like 10,000. no, actually, i wanna win like 100,000. that would be perfect. anyway i find that intense. i wanna be a 34-day champion. OF THE WORLD.
 
ooooh did i mention that i left the house of my own volition today?? i did. i was off all day, no therapy, no reason to leave the house. but at 445 i decided that i should shower bc my hair was very limp and starting to seperate into clumps.. and when i got out, i decided that i should go for a walk. so i dressed, got the blockbuster videos to return (2 were due by noon. oops. if it was really important to candace that we get them back on time, she couldve dropped them off this morning), and grabbed my discman.. i returned the videos, then i went to rite aid bc i needed daytime cough syrup and cigarettes. after that i went to XTRA which is this discount store on manhattan ave.. i got a screen for the window in the kitchen, though its like an inch short.. its better than the half foot it was open before.. now its open like two feet, and screened for the most part. yay. oh and i got a new kind of toothpaste. then i went to the bodega and got some cokes. then i went to c-town, i got ravioli and string cheese and sauce and lifesavers and bread and the snacks i was just eating. oh and i got cereal. groceries are soo expensive. i spent about $65 today all in all, which i think is nutty. i hate spending money.
 
i am now watching wheel of fortune, which is undoubtedly my least favorite game show. i know there is something better on another channel, only i am too lazy to change it. today is monday, so i have no idea whats on tv.. i think there is a special on channel 4 or 7, like funniest tv couples or something, which might be funny.. i guess.
 
im bored. my head is a little light. i shall lay on the couch now.

here i am. here i am! whee. im soooooo bored.
 
today was fun fun! i got up at noon, as planned. we settled right into movies, and we watched peter pan first. after that we watched texas chainsaw massacre, then the butterfly effect. after that we took a break for the mexican fiesta. we ate tacos and we cleaned out the fridge. its all bright and roomy in there now. after that we had cake and watched extreme make-over: home edition, and then law and order: criminal intent. ok after we got that out of our systems we watched monster, which was certainly intense. then 50 first dates, to round out the evening. we finished at 2 am, put the futon back into couch position, and here i am. i smoked a little. it didnt do much. boo.
 
soooo. kim called me today but i didnt feel like answering. i was busy with candace. ill call her back tomorrow, i guess. i havent got anything to say to her, strangely.
 
annnnd i talked to the enigma. ok, well, i texted with him. got him to admit they were playing cbgb tonight, but he told me laura was supposed to be there. so i said good luck with that. i asked if he was still gonna wanna see me tuesday if they reconciled tonight.. he said that one night wasnt going to fix a years worth of problems and that he def wants to see me if i wanna see him. so i said i did. i seethed with jealousy. and then i thought that perhaps tuesday should be the last time i see him. because i think that as much as he doesnt want to admit it to me, he is in love with laura.. and he could never commit to me. i could never mean that much to him. he jokes around about living together, and how if id told him about something we could already be in vegas getting married.. but its joking and its fantasy, and i need to forget it and move on. so. i might say goodbye wednesday afternoon, and i might mean it. part of me is like "are you crazy, so close to living near him?!" but the other part is like "fuck it. yr better off celibate." so. we shall see.

*and everyone's my friend in new york city.. and everything looks beautiful when yr young and pretty.. the streets are paved with diamonds and there's just so much to see.. but the best thing about new york city isyou and me...*
cub
 
so. i clicked on this new font, but nothing happened. BOO. i think i can change the color now though. which is weird. blogger is getting complicated.. this could be fun.
 
im soooo tired. i wanna go to bed, but it is not yet time for such activities. its barely 2am, which means i can be awake probably another hour. i totally pigged out tonight. candace went to the beach with mike and they got home at like 940.. so candace and i rushed to key food so we could have the required food stuffs for candace and gille day II. we have huge plans for tomorrow. im gonna get up at like noon.. and we are going to pull out the futon, and we are going to lay on the bed and watch movies. we got five. they are: monster, 50 first dates, butterfly effect, texas chainsaw massacre, and... fuck oh, peter pan. 50 first dates and butterfly effect were recommended by a bartender at work. we got texas chainsaw bc i have never seen it. we got monster for instensity, and peter pan bc it rooooocks hardcore. yo. we got the preparations for our mexican fiesta at the store.. we got refried beans, corn tortillas, lettuce, sour cream, taco cheese.. candace got some ground beef for her tacos. we got two cakes (raspberry danish twist mmmmm and chocolate chip crumb cake). we got string cheese and doritoes and popcorn and soda. we are going to be official wastes of life. i feel like we should start the day with a regular movie, a light hearted comedy perhaps. like 50 first dates. starting with monster might be too intense. we could also start with peter pan. its gonna rockkk and yr gonna be sooo jealous.
 
um.. so yesterday sucked pretty much. work was ok, i was only expecting to make like $65 in section 15, but the person in 17 didnt show up so this girl chris and i split the room. we started off with a party of 30, which was an automatic grat of $45 each. i had high checks and good tips, and i ended up walking with $190! on a friday night! i never make that much upstairs on a friday night! so i was happy. it evened out today, though, cos i only made $110 today. normal (read: busy) saturdays are good for like $200, but not today. i didnt make very much money this week, but i made enough and i can put a lot of it in the bank. i need to be a little more responsible with my funds in the upcoming weeks, since i am no longer getting my free $320 a month from rutgers university. boo. anyway, so im at work and im getting ready to leave, and mike calls.. let me back up for a second. im still really sick. my head feels like its exploding and i cough a LOT. and on top of that, keep in mind that ive just worked 7.5 hours, where i was running around the WHOLE TIME with six BIG tables at once (i had three tables that sat 6 and three that sat four).. so ok, he calls me and hes like "when are you coming home?" and i said soon, so he was like "ill see you when you get home".. so im like "oh, yr in greenpoint?" and he told me that he was with candace, and that he was sleeping over so they could go to the beach today. which was annoying to me anyway, since i *hate* mixing my friends, i hate when my friends hang out without me, i feel like im going to miss something.. but on top of that, i didnt go out with twon after work bc i didnt feel good, and all i wanted to do was come home, smoke, do the crossword, blog a little, and go to bed after drinking some night robitussin pm. however, having mike here impeded that. i didnt *want* to hang out with him, he didnt run it by me, he was just HERE and i had nothing to do about it. so whatever, i hopped in a cab and i came home and when i came in, they were drunk and i was like "im in a bad mood, im not going to hang out." so i go into my room, and im about to smoke and lay down, when candace knocks on my door. she comes in, and i start saying that im tired, i dont feel good, i dont want him here, i feel like i have to entertain him, and plus im mad at him.. bc thurs night we had a fight about me and my stupid boy decisions. he says that im too smart for this, and that im doing it to myself and blah blah blah blah.. just butting in and trying to control me and make me see it his way, but i *cant* see it his way.. he isnt in the situation, he doesnt spend time with us when the boy is here, and he doesnt know  how giddy he makes me. he cannot be an impartial judge bc he has admitted to wishing there could be more between us if it were not for the fact that im "obsessed" with someone else.. so i mean, in that respect, he has motive for making me get over the enigma. and fuck that, dont be selfish. i could never be with mike. our relationship is like that of an old married couple who arent in love anymore. yah, we enjoy each others company, and we have a good time and we laugh, but there is nothing else there, no spark, no youthful enthusiasm, no passion. and its impossible to stir a passion within me. ive looked at him before, trying to feel anything there is to feel, and NOTHING. so.. all is lost for him and delusions of us. sooooo i talk to candace for like 20 mins and she gets me to come out here to look at pictures. and mike sits silently on the couch. then like 30 mins later he takes my keys and goes out for a walk. at like 330am! who the fuck goes walking around the factory district of greenpoint at 330am? no one. michael, apparently. so he finally came back, and we smoked and then we went to bed. and when we were laying there, he was like "im really sorry i upset you last night" and i was like "its ok" all curtly, signaling i didnt want to talk about it. this morning i got up, got dressed, and went to work. he called me like 5 mins before candace got home, and he was like "im 5 mins away, what are yr plans for tonight?" and i was sleeping.. so i was confused and i was like "ill just see you when you get here" but he didnt come in. weird. i think hes still touchy about last night. he doesnt understand that sometimes i wanna be alone, and that sometimes i dont want to deal with him. and it was sort of arrogant for him to assume i would *want* to hang out last night. he didnt like run it by me thursday night. he didnt say "hey i might come by tomorrow to stay over to take candace to the beach." so im also irritated that they went without me. we had a beach pact. so i think i might go to jones beach by myself one day. fuck them. or ill go to smiths point next time im home. whatever. the whole thing was just annoying.
 
lastly.. the enigma. we have been texting solidly for two days. i think he is going to charlotte or something tonight to stay with a friend. the tour schedule says they are playing cbgb tomorrow, but of course he hasnt told me about that. he talks about tuesday constantly, which is exciting. but then it also builds my hopes WAYYY up, and we all know that is a bad, bad scene, as he is NOT trustworthy. i figure he is way more likely to show up being that we have two days of sex planned, but.. im afraid im going to get my period at some inopportune moment, like say tomorrow or monday. what would i do? send hima text, like "hey. bad news. we're not going to be able to continue as planned unless you dont mind crime scene"? grr. im like begging my body to hold off, but all the signs are there, i am moody and tempermental and tired.. and my belly is a little bloated. i swear all will be lost if it comes.. yesterday would have been ok, even today would have been doable, cos it would be trailing off by tuesday. the window of the next 72 hours ruins EVERYTHING.
 
im tired. i think i will go to bed.. i need a good nights sleep, and if i go now, i can sleep like 9 hours. woo. plus my eyes are burning and this seems like a good time to rest my weary bones. sweet dreams, world.

the thing i miss the most about working at mcdonalds, or actually, the only thing i miss about working at mcdonalds, is the employee meal. before they got kinda strict, you could make yr own food. which was awesome for me. i made a big mac always, with no meat. two pieces of cheese on each level.. just enough pickles and onion, mac sauce.. and the fries were *always* fresh. i had some crappy fries tonight.

Dear AT&T Bell Laboratories,

Hi. you check this like, constantly. wayyy more than i actually post. anyway. i just thought you should know that i know. i may not know who you are.. but. i know you are there.

xoxo, gille.

*you are the smell before rain, you are the blood in my veins*
brand new

eeep! im tired. i bought robitussin pm for tonight, since nyquil has not been keeping my cough supressed, nor has it been keeping me asleep. the past two nights, i have woken up like hourly, feeling like id slept through the night. i must have had a bunch of dreams. i woke up at like 6 am both days coughing uncontrollably. i got a text message from the boy at like 10:55, but it didnt wake me. i saw it blinking at like 1. i then texted with him for like an hour while i drifted in and out of sleep. i reread the messages before, and i was like "that was me?" oops. well, not oops. but i was def being more risque than usually, and especially since im supposed to be restrained. ha, though. i am the anti-restrained. and when im miserable again in a few days, i'll blame myself. i really think i must be insane, bc i think if i were sane, i would see this pattern and abort the mission i am on to make him love me. we have plans for tuesday night.. we were talking about going to atlantic city, but when i told him i get home at 930, he seemed less wanting to go there, and more wanting to just come here and spend the night. he said he was into the hotel, but wasnt going to gamble.. so its like.. well, what else would we do in ac? so i guess the new plan is that hes coming here to spend the night on tuesday.. his first day off. and then wednesday, we will possibly go to the beach. this is the plan. what will really happen? alright. i think there are a few possibilities.. lets divide it into percents, shall we?

there is a ..
35% chance that: he will get here at 10 tuesday night, but instead of spending the night, he will leave at like 2. *or* he'll spend the night, but leave at like 9 or 10am.
25% chance that: he'll cancel.
17% chance that: he'll cancel tuesday, but try to come another day.
13% chance that: he'll get here at 10 tuesday night, and stay all day wednesday, but we wont go to the beach, or leave my house, or put on clothes...
10% chance that: he will come here at 10 tuesday night, we'll get a meal, watch a movie, sleep, wake up multiple times at night, get up, go to the beach, come back here and cuddle/hang out.. and he'll leave later in the day on wednesday.

this 10% is a VERY HIGH estimate, simply bc i have run out of possible scenarios. also, the 35% chance is a very high estimate. i think the true highest percent will be that he will cancel. i just didnt want to have to admit that to myself. he's all talking about how he cant wait to see me blah blah blah, but. when it comes down to it, i am never sure that he will, in face, come through.

work was ok tonight. easy. funny. text-ful. it was me and jesse and cynthia upstairs. good times. i talked to my mom for a few minutes. its been interesting. ok, im lying. it has been the anti-interesting. im bored to tears here. and im hungry. im craving cookies hardcore. not even discriminitely, i would take ANY cookie right now. but alas, there are no cookies to be had in our house. its not *too* late, i could go to the bodega, but eh. id rather be hungry than go out this late. i should have picked up food when i got my cokes, but i thought "eh."

so, tuesday is still FOUR days away. four, four, four.. two more shifts at chevys, and then three LONG days off. i have no plans for *any* of those days, until 7pm tuesday night, when i have to be at twons record release. and i will stay there until i hear from the enigma boy, letting me know he is leaving his house, so i can leave the party. eeeee!! i get so excited when i think about it. we havent spent the night together since june 2003!! oh wait, this sounds familiar. wasnt i saying these things when he was supposed to stay over a few wednesdays ago, and then his alarm started freaking out, and his car wouldnt start? that was all a lot of crap, im sure. id bet he just was tired or something like that.

the zoloft commercials are soo cute.

and wasnt the "november rain" video sad?

*why do we need to change? we were perfect yesterday.."
face to face

ugh, so ok, im feeling better today, my head is stuffy, but for the most part, my cough was under control, and i wasnt too too nasal-y. so whatever, i get home, and i start coughing a bunch, and im walking out from my bedroom to the living room, and all the sudden i cough real hard and out comes a shitload of projectile vomit. it was the grossest thing thats ever happened to me. well except that one thing that happened at the freshman year keg party. i will not go into that, though. waaaayyyy too embarassing, esp now that i know i have an audience. so anyway, i just finished disinfecting my bedroom floor. my nose is really stuffy now, cos im at home. the air gets soo thick in our living room, there are no windows, and thus no circulation of air exists.

im bored. mike signed off as i was taking my away message off. i got home late tonight. i spent the evening texting with the enigma, which was very enjoyable. i had to delete most of the messages bc the memory got full, but i wouldnt have transribed most of them, anyway. however, there were some texts of note that came about during the later part of the night, and they are:

1218am: "no one comes close to you baby. you rule. you should be here."
1236am: "we should live together. you think we could break a record for least amount of clothes worn? hehe"
..i said "haha we should, we'd be naked all the time. we would be the happiest people of the face of the earth, always smiling and fulfilled."..
107am: "that would be exactly what i want. to be totally 100% attracted to the person im with... in every way. mentally, and physically. so nothing gets old."
..i said "me too! i wanna be with someone that im way attracted to, who i wanna be with nightly, but also who i connect with mentally."..
but i guess he didnt get it, bc he said..
125am: "well i guess yr busy or sleeping. ill talk to you tomorrow. dream of me good beautiful."

awwwww.. he also dropped a live together type thing a few weeks ago, when he asked if i was getting a roommate, and then said he was thinking about moving out. i dont know if he was hinting at anything there, then, but.. if we were to live together, he would a) have to not be on tour for three months, so as he could pay rent; and b) have to commit to me, bc i would not live with someone who i was the other woman to. not that that could work. i mean, if i was the other woman, the main girl might be suspicious of our one bedroom apartment. you know.

blah blah blah. no self-exploration tonight.

goodnight.

*at least im workin now, this is my second day, i hate it so much here, i do it anyway. it doesnt help at all, what youve done to me. im goin crazy, i think about you constantly. if i could treat you like shit then you'd love me forever. if i could treat you like shit then you'd love me forever and ever and ever.. a small part of me is sayin i still have a chance, the rest of me is laughing at the first part for bein so naive, i dont know what to do but i wanna tell you something, i wanna tell yo somethin..*
plow united

blogger is down right now. grrr. until 1am here. soooo i am now writing this in a blank email, and i will post it into blogger at the allowed time. presently it is 1154pm.

im watching leno while i type this. no one is online, and im texting with the enigma, but he must be driving bc his responses are a little bit far apart. his last one was at 1137. therefore i have no one to talk to bc candace went to bed at 1020, and i am lonely. i will type to keep myself company.

la la la. i dont have much to say. i napped, as i said it would. i got a message from the boy saying he wants to go to atlantic city tuesday night. this is a problem bc i have twon's record release that night. im hoping we can leave at like 930. that way, i could stay at the party for 2 hours, and then jet back here to head to ac.. i mean, its up all night, anyway if we got there at midnight, it would still be fun. we could go to the boardwalk or whatever, gamble a little, and stay out all night. i would have to give away my next wednesday shift. ooh i just heard from him again. we havent talked about ac since my nap, now we're just babbling about stuff. we're trying not to talk sexual, but it goes that way cos thats what we talk about.. and i mean, after he tells me they played and he has heat rash, and that he was eating chick filet, and ive told him about my errands, and napping, there isnt much left to say. but neither of us stops the messaging. and eventually it turns sexual. then one of us points out that its veering from the path, and we go back to talking about hugs, but i swear hugs is a code word for makin it in our being safe conversations. it makes us feel like we're being harmless, cos hugs are harmless, but in our heads, "hugs" means "lovin."

but i digress.. so i napped. i kept having bad dreams, i think they involved the boy, and i think i was feeling crappy. i would wake up like every 15 or 20 minutes all confused, and not sure if i was awake or asleep. then i finally fell asleep for about 2 hours. i heard candace come in, and i had asked her to pick me up some dinner, so i got up. stumbled out to the couch, half asleep still.. i ate my mcdonalds cheeseburgers with no meat. watched summerland with candace.. then we turned on law and order, and she went to bed. ive been sitting here since. i talked to myspace mike for a little while, he asked me if i was still juggling boys, and i said no. he said he was going to bed, but that he and his long distance gf had broken up and he would email me about it soon.

eeeeep. i feel wayy stuffy. its 1209. i want to have something to do. i really wanted to update my sidebar and add a bunch more bands. i dont like how my page stops loading with the counter. i do not know how to fix it. i usually hit refresh a bunch of times and the little marker on the side gets longer. i figure in the meantime, if i expand my sidebar, more of my blog will show since the counter appears below the sidebar. i dont know how many bands i wanna add though. i have a mental block a lot of the time. it happens.

eeep eeep eeeeppp. where is my friend michael? hmm. he has been sort of depressed lately, so he hasnt been the same to talk to. and hes been in outer space. im feeling quite sleepy. i wanna stay up till like 2, but i dont know if that will be possible. time is like DRIPPING. it is only 1216. thats like an hour and 44 minutes till my goal bedtime. i dont wanna smoke again cos that 2/3 of a joint is all i got.. leaving me enough for before work tomorrow and after, in case my girl is not there or out.

candace wants to see the village. i told her i wouldnt go unless she wanted to cuddle. scary movies must be seen with boys. being scared with boys is the besssssssst.

so i think that the next time i call kim it will be to say that this is the last time im calling. she hasnt called me back in forfuckingever. she texted me for a minute on the 4th of july, but i havent heard a peep from her since. i talked about it with m therapist, and she said if we talk about it, i shoulod use "i statements" so.. i dunno. i just want her to freakin call me. i feel abandoned.

1221.. intense. an hour and 39 minutes. im kinda hungry. i could so go for some potato salad. i have regular salad and oil and vinegar.. not in the mood to cut my cuke though. im way too lazy to eat most of the time. today i was hungry from 11am till 9 when candace got home with my mcdonalds. i did have 2 pieces of cheese around 4pm, though. and since the burgers, i had one zebra cake and a brownie. a cosmic brownie. it was a little bit too much for me. i realllly want some fudge. if we go to ac, i better get some fudge out of it. they must have a boardwalk there, and no boardwalk is complete without fudge.

ok. im going to go take out my contacts....

alright i just ate four more pieces of cheese. sorry michael, i know you bought groceries for you bc you practically live here, but you cannot leave cheese around me. i am addicted to it. if i left beer at his house, i would not expect it to still be there when i went back.

*cough, cough*

its 1232. this is taking longer than usual for the boy. last message was att 1157. they have typically been like 20 or 25 minutes apart. see, i wanna go to bed, but i wanna talk to him a little more. i wish he would respond quicker. i do wanna watch conan though, so all is not lost. brandy is on leno. i forgot about her. she is wearing hipster pumps. i think. they appear to be gold.this is a terrible outfit. brandy got back. i never noticed before.

i want to have a cough drop, but they make my coca-cola taste like ass. and i sliced my tongue on the subway this morning, bc my cough drop had one of those holes in it. you know. the kind that slice yr mouth. like a paper cut on yr tongue. ouch! so im trying to stay away from the drops. they are honey lemon. mmm. i wanted to the cherry with goo inside, but they didnt have any. i will probably go through my whole bag of cough drops at work tomorrow. i am working at 430 in NB2. woo. thats good money. maybe if im lucky, derek will be there. but i doubt it. the more likely man i'll be working with is lee harvey. oh well. lee will do.

1239. if he doesnt respond in the next 20 mins, i will resend my last text message. i dont feel obsessive when i do it, cos he does it to me all the time. the other day he waited 8 minutes before re-messaging me. so there.

my towels came out very fluffy today. i put lots of fabric softener in there, and i cannot wait to get clean tomorrow. the toweling off shall be splendid. i kinda cleaned my room before, i folded the mess of clothing around my bed. but i didnt hang anything up. i almost had the motivation to go to the dollar store and buy some hangers, but then i thought what the hell. im moving in two months tops, so i need to take everything off hangers and pack it soon anyway. and they are all t-shirts, which i do not wear in summer, so they arent causing me any stress. im thinking abou starting to pack soon. it doesnt make sense to start so soon, but.. i dont have that much stuff. so maybe its not important. i have books and bathroom crap.. pots, dishes.. grr. this is going to suck. im not even sure what is mine anymore. weve lived together for THREE years. i think the mirror in the living room is mine. the tvs, the dvds, the vcr, all the video games, and most of the movies are mine. the lamp is mine, the vases are mine. most of the candle holders and scented oil things are mine. one of makeshift end tables is mine. i will pack my dishes in there, i think. its a little plastic tupperware thing with drawers. right now it just houses random crap that i would regularly have kept in a desk. this place is going to be so empty without me. her bathroom will no longer be crowded with my crap.. my bathroom will reman cluttered, since i have a ridiculous amount of hair care products. the living room will be practically empty. shell have her one makeshift end table, her futon, the rug, and the shelves that the tv and dvd and vcr are on. however, the shelves will be bare. most of the cds are mine. she'll have stefs old, broken stereo. i want to buy her good mourning before i move, bc i think she will miss alkaline trio without me. and she listens to that cd when i am not home, as well, so i want her to have her own. the step stool is mine, she'll probably have to get a new one. the key rack is mine, but i will likely leave it for her. the coat rack is mine, and i will probably leave that, as well, since it has been drilled into the wall. maybe i will get a coat tree when i move. maybe i will have a hall closet.

anyway. that was mindless blabber, wasnt it? ha. if anyone of you random people who read this are still reading, i will assume you are very very bored.

1252. almost time for me to be able to post this! woo. i should perhaps come up with some lyrics for the beginning of my post. ... ok i chose plow lyrics that have been in my head since sunday when we drove to the beach and i put on my punk rock mix tape that i made in 1997.

i just remessaged the enigma. lets see if i hear back. i have an hour to stay awake. my eyes are very tired, and itchy. and i feel like i need to sneeze more. i have no crosswords left. i could try the dictionary.com ones. eh. im not motivated.

ok well blogger should be available again now, its 104am. let me go see... aight. i shall now work on sidebar.

xoxo