is it too late to heal?

*i guess i'll always stop and see you, and we'll run into each other's lives. yeah, i guess. although it tears me up inside. everytime it burns my eyes with tears. but i know you're worth the pain. i've so much more to gain by waiting for you. you're going away, but you're not going far.*
alkaline trio

im bored. i cant seem to smoke enough to stay fucked up for as long as i'd like to be. its easier to fade out than to think about the implications of saturdays conversation. i told you i need time.. and that i'd get in touch when im ready, maybe a few weeks.. and that is hard. cos to message before at least two weeks passed would make me look weak. i wonder if he will cave first or respect the distance i have placed between us. part of me wants to get an "i miss you," just so i could be like "dont you dare. dont say things you dont mean to me, no more lies." but im sure i would be like "awww i miss YOU" and burst into tears. and like all the times before, i will get him through his tour with dirty messages and sappy "i wish you were here"s.. i wonder if she sustains him with such text messages. i wonder if she knows about me. in a way, i feel bad for her. she probably has no idea that her boyfriend is slutting around behind her back. spending the day naked in bed with another girl.. telling someone else that he wishes she were there.. she probably has no idea that he wakes up wishing she were someone else. or maybe he didnt mean her by that. maybe he meant the *other* girls he's cheating on her with.. he wishes i were them, but hes happiest with the girl. i cant believe he fucking told me he was trying to see her instead of me. "im gonna try to see the girl." fuck you! fuck her, and fuck you and arrrr.. you fuck. why couldnt you lie to me about THAT? you lie to me about everything else, why cant you lie to me about yr plans? its not fair! she doesnt know about me, why do i have to know about her? you can do this to me, but not to her.. it fucking sucks. i wish i could bring *her* this pain, like find out who she is and ruin her life. and his. mainly i would want to ruin his life. but i caaaaaaant. i fucking cant be that girl.

argh. um.. well i havent posted on her in a while.. bc i was away. i went to LI saturday morning.. went to jill's graduation party.. that was the scene of the terrible text message proclaiming we would not be seeing each other before he left for tour... so i was sad. i went back to my mothers house, laid in my bed and cried. i got up, i was gonna go see the notebook with emily, but we went shopping instead. i bought two pais of new balances (they were on sale, 2 for $89) and a bunch of tank tops and t-shirts and some summer sweaters at h&m.. it didnt really make me feel better, though i wanted it to. after that i came home, talked to mike.. he said he was coming over, so i took a nap. he got to my house at like 930.. we went to the diner and ate some eggs, chatted.. came back to my house and drank apple martinis with my brother and emily and two of their friends.. then we drove around my area, went to the water at stony brook, port jeff, setauket, etc.. then we went to the lake and rolled a joint.. drove around the neighborhood behind my house and smoked.. then we sat in his car for like an hour listening to the doobie brothers and talking about weather patterns, hurricanes, nor'easters, etc. it was fun. we went to bed at like 530, and emily woke me up at 1130 to go to the beach. so mike left and i went to smith's point with rich and em.. we found sand dollars.. got suntans.. we had tickets for the 415 showing of the notebook, but we left the beach too late, which upset me bc im the one who charged the stupid fucking tickets and grrrr.. so whatever, we got back to my house and i went back to sleep. my brother woke me up at like 630 to go to my dads, but i was mopey and tired, and i said i wasnt going. continued to sleep until my mom was screeching at me that it was 9 o'clock and did i know what time the train was.. so i went and checked the schedule. there was one at 943, but i wanted my brother to drive me so i could smoke on the way, so i waited for the 1043. i went to mcdonalds for my mom, ate some non-meat cheeseburgers.. my brother took me to the train. mike called me while i was on the platform and i said i was at the train station, so he suggested i go to his place instead of home. so i got a new ticket for mineola and i met him there. went to his house, rolled a joint.. went to the diner and ate some eggs (again). then we smoked outside his house. came in, watched vh-1 classic (it rocks!!!) all night, and went to bed at like 5. we woke up around 130 today, watched court tv shows, then we went to this mexican place for breakfast/lunch/dinner. i had some tacos, he had a burrito. after that i smoked some, and we drove around fancypants sea cliff and glen cove, looked at huge waterfront homes.. then he drove me back to brooklyn. since i got here, i have been smoking and watching tv. i watched family fear factor, i watched for love or money, and i watched who wants to marry my dad?, which was weird. i had never watched the latter two, and i dont particularly like the former. but they were entertainment. i keep thinking about picking up my guitar, but that would require energy.. of which i have none. all i would do is play "the places you have come to fear the most" over and over again, and then put it back down. cos thats what i do.

tomorrow is kind of promising, but also not exciting at the same time. its tuesday, so i have therapy. im sort of not excited for that, since i will undoubtedly talk about the enigma. there is the potential for tears, and she gets mad at me when im upset about him.. and i really think im going crazy, cos i mean, isnt the definition of insanity someone who repeatedly does the same thing, expecting different results? and isnt that what i do all the time? i repeatedly fall for him, expecting him to fall for me, when all he wants is my body. but i digress... after therapy i have to go get my schedule from chevy's.. perhaps ill call chris to see if he wants to go to westway whilst i wait for twon. i have plans to see twon in the afternoon.. he asked his woman the big question last week, so im excited for him. he said he would get up early to see me. i dont know though, the last two times we had plans he bailed. no fun.. anyway yah, so twon from like 230 on.. then at like 9 im going to go to babylon to see mike playing his techno music at some coffee house.. they are playing from like 8-11, and i dont wanna be there for the whole time, since i will be bored and lonely. i thought if i leave nyc around 830 i will get there around 930 and only have to stay for an hour and a half.. im hoping candace will accompany me. i emailed her. so... babylon till like 11, then mike will drive me home. because he has boyfriend duties with no boyfriend benefits.

tom hanks is on leno. hes pretty funny.

im fucking sober, this is a problem. a PROBLEM, you hear? i think i will pee, play my song a few times, and then smoke some more. im thinking about listening to godammit, bc its one of my favorite alkaline cds and has been a major part of my rotation lately.. hence two posts in a row with lyrics from that record..

goodbye for now..

*well obviously you were busy, too busy for me. so this is how you leave me? i'm broken hearted on the floor. my tears seep through the crack under my door. where i am locked in, shut down. i'm so tired of picking myself up off the ground.*
alkaline trio

remember june 12th, 919pm? you said, "i know i've woken up thinking of you, wishing you were there instead of the person i was with." what about 1032pm? that went something like... "i seriously think of you all the time. i always want to be with you. i always feel like i'd be happier with you. im always attracted to you."

oh wait, those words were empty, right? it was part of yr stupid fucking game, another attempt at reeling me back in. because when it came down to it, you AGAIN chose the girl you wake up beside wishing she were me. YOU CHOSE HER. when push came to shove, she was more important to you. actions speak louder than words. all the times you said you wished she was me, you wished it was me beside you... those words were empty and meaningless, lip service to get me into bed. again.

im so fucking stupid. you know exactly what to say and what to do to make me fall head over heels in love with you whenever you want me to.

i hate you, i hate you, i hate you.

its light out.

so i still havent heard a peep from the enigma. tonight i sent a message saying "yr silence makes me kinda sad.." at like 11.. it does. make me sad.

work was regular. i was chipper and attentive again. i did a good deal of being social and silly, and i averaged 20% again. woo. um, yah. it was an ok crowd downstairs.. me, lee, derek.. other people who are part of their own social circles. painless. derek kept bumping into me and brushing up against me.. i went over to use the computer by where he was working and he comes up behind me, gets all close to my ear and says, all low and sexy in a derek sort of way, "what are you doing in this neck of the woods?" (bc i was working across the restaurant).. and i was laughing in my head, like "ummm.. you gave this up when you got back with blondie" but yah. lee even noticed, he mentioned it at the diner.

i talked to mike on eht phone for a while, and then i got a text from kim at like 415 saying "if yr up can you please call me" but i just got the message like 10 minutes ago.. i called her but she did not answer her phone.

why am i even typing this? i need to go to bed! BED!!! i have to get up in like 9 minutes. i have to go to LI for my step sisters graduation party at okey dokey. soooo trash. im so embarrassed to be going there.

bart says im feeling empty bc i dont have school anymore, and i feel like i have no focus to my life. maybe he's right.

all i know is that i listened to "hands down" today, and it didnt even stir me a little. that made me only feel sadder.

i sent the enigma a text message this morning (ok, afternoon, when i woke up) saying i felt like i got cheated out of waking up with him, and asking if he got his car fixed.. no response. so i sent him another on atlike 945 like "you dont wanna talk to me today?" and again, no response. thanks, fucker.

im like 1/3 of the way through the fuck-up. so far its really good and i would recommend it. i feel like derek could have written the book, it is very much his style of speaking and writing. i will tell him he should read it. everyone has gone to bed, so i think when i wrap this up i will go read some more.

speaking of derek, he got back from texas today and he came into chevys with two girls. i was like grrr. its like flaunting in front of me. it makes me angry. i mean, i know i was his fill in girl, and its all well and good cos he was a fill in boy for me, but come on. im not parading boys around him.

well anyway. thats about it for me. i couldnt even come up with lyrics to start this with, thats how blah and empty i am feeling. so. read book, then bed. goodbye.

gille: when, in 10 years, you and i both give up on love and decide to marry each other so we wont be alone forever, can "faithfully" be our wedding song?
mike: lol.. of course
mike: i dont want to start a family on the road though ok?
gille: sounds good to me, cos they say that the road aint no place to start a family.

well. its 310ish.. and i am alone. he stopped messaging me at like 1230 or something. maybe he fell asleep. or maybe he has some other girl taking care of him right now, maybe he's sleeping beside someone else. and in the morning, he will wake up wishing it were me. blah blah blah. maybe it's just talk. its like sometimes i have this great leap of faith in him, and i believe everything he says, but other times i dont believe any of it.. ("and you'll fall for every empty word i say..") yah. so now im sitting here, thinking about all the places he could be, all the girls who could be in bed with him.. and doubting that his car wouldnt start. its times like these when i wonder if i could ever trust him enough to make him my forever.. i think i stopped trusting him a long time ago. sometimes i renew my faith in him, but usually it falls flat. why the fuck do you send me messages at 4am, wishing i was there, and then bail on me? you were going to sleep over! do you understand that we havent woken up together since june 4, 2003?? thats like one year and 20 days ago! thats 385 days! thats 385 mornings you woke up alone or with someone else! when you tell me all the time you wake up wishing i was there! what the fuck?! do you mean what you say? no, certainly not. its all empty and meaningless. and i will wake up without you for the 386th time tomorrow. alone and bitter.

i guess im just frustrated. i have every right to be. i cant be mad at him bc his car isnt starting. but i feel like it doesnt have to be the truth. if he has gotten away with cheating on laura this long, he must be pretty good at lying. maybe he is with her.. maybe she missed him, and she is closer than brooklyn.. so he didnt need me. he didnt need to wake up next to me. but he wishes it was me when its someone else. or maybe thats crap too. maybe its part of the endless line of lies that drop out of his mouth.. that drop from his fingertips.. just another way to keep me strung along.

man i need to sleep with someone else. that usually makes me feel better for a little while. it makes me feel like im showing him that i can still get some, even when its not with him. even though i dont tell him. my own secret revenge.. why cant i move on, and really show him? that would be it, cos he knows its his fault if i start seeing someone else.. bc i have waited SEVEN years for him, and its starting to get old and be routine.. seven years.. do you even know? i fucking told him that *this* stands between me and moving on. the prospect of him laying in my bed overrules any feelings that begin to stir in me for another man. you squash the possibilities that arise for me.

SQUASH! SQUASH!

because you cant string me along if i cut the cord...

*i am so in love with you. whatever you want to do is alright with me.. cos you make me feel so brand new. and i want to spend my life with you.*
al green

aaaah. ok so first of all, last night, my display started acting funny on my phone. i woke up this morning and it was completely gone. no more display. so i went to the sprint store and i got a new phone, but i dont like it very much. however, it does have old skool text messaging, which is way better than shortmail. buuutt.. i have no idea if messages are included or if im spending a lot of money using them. we shall see.. ok i checked and i need to upgrade for $10 a month.. but thats ok cos i can get less minutes then. woo. ok.

so.. the enigma. well.. so last nights insanity continued till like 6am, and he said he wanted to see me tonight after practice. right now it is 1115 and i havent yet heard from him. he said practice usually ends around 1030. soooo... im afraid he wont come. that would make me soo sad. i just sent him a message saying that i am home and asking if hes still practicing. i hope he messages back that hes at exit 50 or something! that would be awesome, though highly unlikely. he said he's gonna come sleep over.. i dont know though. i messaged with him at like 430, and he said he still intended on coming out, this time to sleep.. sooooooo.. i dont know i dont know i dont know! just message me baaaaaack (whine, whine). oh no. he messaged me back that his car is being insane, it wouldnt start and now the alarm keeps going off and he cant make it stop. nooooo! this undoubtedly means no cuddles for me tonight. i swear i have the worst luck in the world.

"i am as invisible as baby pigeons." thats from the notebook. its another coincidence. just the other day i was talking to chris and he told me the pigeon he had been seeing on his terrace has laid two eggs.. and he said "you never see baby pigeons. they are always big." and i really had never thought about it before, but he was right: i cannot ever recall seeing a baby pigeon. he was saying this bc hes concerned that baby birds will live on his terrace for a long time before they grow. but. yah. another coincidence. my life abounds with them these days. sometimes it freaks me out. sometimes it comforts me, bc coincidences mean you are on the right path.

well, i finished the book about 5 minutes ago. i sat here and read the last 140 pages in one fell swoop. i sobbed. all i want is for my life to be like that. all i want is everlasting love. i cant wait to see the movie. i thought i wouldnt, bc i dont want to ruin the book, but i do! i do! i want to see it the night it opens! and sob! ooooh i just saw a commercial for it.. and it opens friday! im so going saturday. i dont care. im going to be on LI, and i will go ALONE if need be.

so now i have to pick a new book. all of the books i got are under 300 pages, so i will probably get through them rather quickly and again be faced with the prospect of opening great expectations. not a happy prospect, in case you failed to notice how avidly i have been trying to avoid it. i think i will read the fuck-up next. its supposed to be funny, and i suppose i could use a light read after the amount of sobbing that was involved in reading the notebook.

im thinking about going to bed. its almost 4. im not that tired. i napped earlier, from like 6 till 930. i only slept like 4.5 hours last night, so it evened out. my eyes are tired from the tears. maybe ill start the next book....

i miss the enigma incredibly right now. i was aching for him before as i read the story.. i see so many parallels to us in it.. i swear we were meant to be together. i swear that i will never feel the way i feel about him for anyone else. i look for him in every man i meet, but no one ever comes close. and there is nothing spectacular about him. he's just a regular guy from long island who likes to play his own music and be a slacker, and tells me that jobs are for suckers. i wonder about our lives when i move home and hes back from tour. i wonder if it will stop being a plural concept and in turn become our life. our life... one life. sometimes when im laying in bed at night, i imagine how things would be.. i imagine him showing up all the time, i imagine knocks on my door in the middle of the night, or i imagine him quietly slipping into bed with me. i watch time progress, and i imagine what it would be like if he moved in, and we shared a home and a bed and things began to take the course i have waited for them to take since may 20, 1997. may 20, 1997.. i flashed back to that day, that moment, at the mall yesterday. it was weird. i was in fye, which is set up how ... and the vibration just went off: "hey. i totally thought of how awesome it could've been if you came upstate with me. oh well... ill be dreaming of you." talk about a coincidence. i am WRITING about how i imagine us sharing a bed and a life, and here you are, sending me text messages at 4 am, saying you wish i was there, and that you'll be dreaming of me. i swear you are my destiny. i swear we belong together. ... well. back to the story. so i was in fye.. and its set up the same way sam goody was set up, but it isnt in the same storefront.. it is in the space where record town was, back when we had three record stores in the mall.. so whatever, i pick up my moms outkast cd, and i go to the counter, pay for the cd, and i walk out.. and the whole time im thinking about that day in may, and the sparks that flew the moment we laid eyes on each other.. and maybe i do believe in love at first sight, and i definitely believe in fate.. and.. and i walk out of the store, and im lost. i was looking for the big sneaker store and i walked right thinking i had to go back through the center and down the corridor to get there, when in fact i had come from a sotre just feet away from the sneaker store. because for that moment i was back in sam goody, and i'd walked out of fye as if it were sam goody. because he is everywhere. i cant think of a moment that has passed in the past year and half where he didnt cross my mind for even a split second. sure id pushed him out of my mind for years.. because then it was easiest to forget. i had to forget, i'd been denied, and i knew that you wanted to be with someone else. it took me at least a year to cleanse myself of thoughts of you, and i guess i never stopped completely. but that day in august when brother told me of the note on my car, you werent the first person to come to mind when he said yr name. so i suppose i did well enough. now yr back, though, and you dominate my mind. im useless against thoughts of you, and im useless against the overwhelming drive to wake up next to you every morning for the rest of my life..

and just like that, i switch from talking about you to talking TO you. i wish you would respond to my text message, though i think you wont. im somehow feeling that you sent that earlier, and it just now reached me. you are never awake at 4am, and i cant imagine why you would be tonight. im trying to figure out if that message means you arent there with her. "how awesome it couldve been if you came upstate with me." me instead of her? or just me, cos yr not there with any girl? what are you DOING there? i thought maybe working, but wait. you are without job. last summer you built a house up there. you went to school upstate, maybe yr visiting friends? visiting yr grandparents?

oh but im vibrating again.. "ha. weird. i wish you were here now. im in bed all alone. all alone in this room. i want to cuddle and warm up." you always know when i need you, and you always know just what to say. you just answered the questions i was asking. you just knew.. and you are alone. in a bed. wishing i was there. wishing you could cuddle me. at this moment i know i will hear from you while you are away on tour. i will hear from you often, perhaps nightly you will message me, wishing i was cuddled up beside you. this i know. and i can only dream about the possibilities of the future.. the days that you send me these messages from smithtown, when im laying in a bed 15 minutes from you, and i can convince you to get out of yr bed and make it on over to mine. or the days when that wont be necessary, because yr bed will be the same bed as my own. and when you want to cuddle, you can just move on over to my side of the bed and wrap yr arms around me.. what have you to say this time? "i need you to come here and fill my bed. i need you to warm me with yr sexy cuddles hehe." so i said: "if i had a car, i would be halfway there already. i want to cuddle with you and make you so warm. hugs and you.. a perfect combo."

i think if we were together, it would be forever. i think we would be so amazed by each other.. i think we would be one of those couples that makes it to a golden anniversary.. raising a family that abounded in love and hugs and affection.. we would raise babies that would grow into warm and affectionate people who would have had a perfect model of true love to base their lives upon.. something ive never had. something i could learn from every day for the rest of my life. and i never believed it could be these way until i realized that you are what i have been living for.. which is scary. what if we arent meant to be together, and this is all a cruel joke that the fates are playing on me? i evaluate these fears and sometimes i think that its not possible, that there is no way that what i feel is a joke, or misinterpreted impulses that arent love and adoration.. but sometimes i get scared, and i think that this might be fleeting, and that i could push you back into the obscurity i relegated you to when i moved to the city. i left you on long island when i moved. you took off to oswego, and i took off to nyc. i thought i would never see you again. but four years later, there you were. there you were... and here you remain. a huge piece of my heart, and my soul, and i feel forever indebted to the way you have made me feel, even with the hardships and the sadness and the heartache you have caused me over the past seven years.. that all melts into nothing in the larger scheme of things. the sum of the parts becomes a whole that obscures the sad and the hurt, and all i can see is the way you make me feel when i look into yr eyes, or the way i feel when you wrap me in yr arms.. or the way i felt when you wrapped yr whole body around me, yr head resting on the curves on my neck.. i thought it would be uncomfortable with yr wieght on top of me, but rather it felt like pieces of a puzzle that would always fit together perfectly. perfectly..

all i want is for my phone to vibrate again. and again. and for it to never stop vibrating again. and then it did: "aw. yr sweet. i wish i was holding you right now. id hug you so hard and never let go. come and slip into bed with me." and i said.. "sometimes the things you say make me so happy i want to cry. all i want right now is to hug you like id never let go, and curl up with you. and wake up there." and right away, he said "aw. well i like hugging you. what can i say?" and i swear i am melting. hes sending messages so fast right now, and i know hes thinking of me and maybe he'll fall asleep with his phone in his arms, cuddling it like it was me..

im going to stop transcribing the messages.. i have a feeling they might get dirty soon, and those are only for me. i willingly share the tame ones, the ones that warm my heart.. but the ones that make me tingle, those are for me.. and i sometimes transcribe them into my paper journal, because no one gets to read that.

the sun will soon be on its way, and i feel like i should sleep with its arrival, as i always do. but i cant sleep right now, all i can think about is the prospect of you and i and forever. and if not forever, then for a day. a moment in time.. and during that moment time stands still for me. the world could be crumbling around us, and it undoubtedly always is, but i cease to notice, and i cease to care, bc that moment is always perfect and complete, and i could ask for nothing more in my life than to know what it feels like to be held and to know that the moment will live on forever, if only in my head. i have never felt as comfortable with anyone as i feel when im with you. the comfort level i had with chaz was very high, and i often think that that is how i knew i loved him.. and part of me still does love him, and the memories of us.. but the comfort i feel with you rivals that comfort. ive always been self conscious of my body, but when im with you, i can be naked and walk around the house, and its like who cares? i have nothing to hide from you. its incredible.

i cant type anymore, though i want to. i want to go on and on and on about you and how you make me feel.. but im starting to get tired, and i have to lay down. my back in starting to hurt a little, and im ready to curl up with my pillow and think about the possibilities for the future. for our future.. and even if im planning something that can never be, and is not really slated in the stars, it brings me comfort, and the images i conjure up bring me calm and peace..

and i think, in a way, i need those imaginations. the same way that i need you. and the same way you must need me, if what you type is true.. "i need gille. i want to hold you and cuddle you and..." the rest is for me.

goodnight.

*you keep fucking up my life*
jets to brazil

i suppose that having nothing to say was good for posting pics. woo. so now there are five more of me. and wow, there is the infamous mike i spend a lot of my time with. so ok, mike.. chris was saying he doesnt believe that there is no tension between mike and i, because we sleep in the same bed and hang out a lot. so yesterday when i was hanging out with mike, i took great care to notice if there was, in fact, tension. nope. nothing. its like any of my girlfriends. i see mike like i see candace or antonia or katie. but yah, so thats what he looks like, in case you ever wondered.

well lets see.. while im here, i may as well say something. um, well saturday was fun. candace and i drove out to LI with ryan, it was a really gorgeous day. we hung out with my whole family.. val, mike, antonia, and lee also showed up after a few minutes. so we all drank and ate and chatted. my momma got me a necklace from tiffany's!! so exciting. anyway. candace and i were pretty drunk for a while, my brother was *trashed* it was hilarious. we drank from like 3pm till midnight. well, candace, mike and i did. katie and dennis got there at like 830, when the rest of us had just gotten out of the pool. we has cake, chilled.. val left, ryan left, lee left, antonia left. so then candace, mike, katie, dennis and i all laid in the grass and looked at the stars while drinking beers. it got cold so i got a blanket. candace took the 1242 train back to the city so she could see stef, and mike and i went over to katie's. we smoked with them and watched the last half of charlie's angels: full throttle, then the last half of phone booth, and then he first half of the in-laws. it was like 330 so we went back to my dads, mike slept over. whee.

sunday was fathers day.. woke up at 1, went out to the kitchen and saw my dad. my brother came over, and then we went to see harry potter. my dad wanted to see it, but no one wanted to go with him. it was pretty good. maybe i will cave and read the books. after the movies (cursive song!) we went to radio shack and i bought my dad an S cable. went home, talked to linda and decided to go to the california diner (MMMM!!) for dinner. we all got eggs, except my dad, who got a rueben. went home, read the paper with my dad, watched some tv, and then my brother took me to my mothers house. got there, talked to her for a few minutes, then i went over to katie's house again. smoked, watched tv.. then she told me about the sachem alumni postings.. so we were looking and thats when i found out about mike loper's death. boo. :( i was all in shock, smoked some cigarettes, and then it was like 130 and i decided i should go home bc katie had to get up early in the morning. went home, watched something on king arthur and whether or not he really existed on the history channel. fun.

monday morning i woke up at 1130 and i was all cozy with the kitty in my bed. so i went back to sleep till 1230 when mike called me. i told him i would call him later cos i was going to hang out with him at night. finally disturbed yoda and got up. showered. i hate showering on LI bc the water is hard and i never feel clean afterward. boo!! it sucks. so whatever, i went to the mall, i got myself some socks, and i got my mom one of those candles that are for show, not utility.. it is in the shapes of three siamese cats. i got her an outfit at h&m, and i got her the new outkast cd (yes, my mom likes outkast. she is so weird.) i got my brother a t-shirt with homer simpson on it, laying on the couch in tighty whities, and it says "livin la vida sofa" hehe. um. then i went to borders, i got my dad a book on tape and i got myself: the notebook by nicholas sparks, a separate peace by john knowles, animal farm by george orwell, the fuck-up by arthur nersesian, and fight club by chuck palahniuk. all this to avoid reading great expectations. i started reading the notebook yesterday, and i am on page 67. its supposed to be heart-breaking, which we all know i LOVE in fiction. i cant wait to cry! i saw the coming attraction for the movie at harry potter, so i decided i should read it before it comes out, and then i can see it in the movies and cry there, too. and then i can hate the movie, cos its never as good as the book. i think i will read it some more when i finish the crossword puzzle.

ok so after shopping i picked up pictures (hence new postings) and went home. gave mom her presents, went downstairs to scan pics.. went out to dinner with mom for her birthday, we had italian and the guy gave us free zepoles (i know i spelled that wrong) and they were sooooo goooooood! mm. it brought me back to the days of carnivals. we chatted and then went home. i then talked to chris for a while and then i took the train out to mineola. met up with mike, went to walgreen's for some icy hot (my shoulder was ouchy).. then we went to the jericho diner, i had some chocolate pudding and mike had sausage and eggs. we drove back to brooklyn listening to boston (ahahahaha.. "more than a feeling"!!!), it took us literally like half hour to find a parking space (grrr). went to the store for toilet paper and beer. hung out with candace.

so i went on AOL and the enigma was on.. hes like "hey" and then he asked if i got his texts.. so i said i didnt, and i checked my short mail.. and of course, there are 2 messages.. one from 1212am saying "hey girlie. whats cookin? are you still on LI?" and the next one said "well goodnight angel. hope you have the sweetest dreams." and i was like grrr, but i was already in brooklyn. some select parts of our IM conversation:

him: i had to fix the van today.
me: you so should have called me so i could have watched.
him: ha. I tried to text you to see if you wanted to get together.
me: yah i see that now.. that sucks :( i was already in brooklyn by then though, i got here at 1130..
him: doh.
me: i wanna see you!! boooooo
him: thats why I tm'ed you silly
me: when will you be back?
him: wed night
me: perhaps we can get together thurs? during the day
him: sounds doable
me: i prob have work at 5
him: ok we can work that out i think
me: heh. you could drive me to work lol
him: that would be great. ha
me: i know its one of yr favorite activities lol
him: true. very true
...
him: i wish i could've snuck into your apt tonight.
me: me too.. that would have been so hot. that would be the best sneaky thing ever
him: i so wanted to before
me: i so STILL want you to heheh
him: i want you so bad
me: oh yah? how bad?
him: real bad
me: mmmm.. i want you.
him: i wish you were still on li
me: i wish i was too. you could crawl into my bed.

and so on and so forth. mike got all mad at me, bc he was like "i cant believe you are letting him talk to you like that, i cant believe he's calling you angel and blah blah blah.." and he went on about how i hadnt been tlaking to the enigma for a while, and i was doing so good, and all he was trying to do is hook up before they go on tour and dont i know any better yet blahhhh. i was like yah. he always wins. i always give in to the enigma. i cannot help myself. i have a feeling he is upstate with the woman because he avoided the question both times i asked why he was going upstate. i got my period yesterday, so if he came out thursday it would be disappointing.. so i am not getting my hopes up. i'll be on LI this weekend again, so at least then i might see him. i think i will go from sat-mon again, bc then i can prob see him monday, and maybe even get a ride back or something.

anyway. thats about it for the update. i have a lack of significant emotion, im feeling slightly empty and bored with everything in my life.. so its hard to talk about. you know? i feel like im saying the same thing over and over again lately, and i hate when my journals cease to be insightful and become rosters of my life..

im gonna go do the crossword. i wish i was gonna have more to say later, but i doubt it. maybe if i smoke enough...

hahaha. antonia took this pic on her camera phone after we got out of the pool. i wish you could see my hot necklace better. love the look on my face. 

this is mike and i at the bar after the wedding.  

i really like this picture for some reason. i took it of chris and i. but the only part of his face that made it was a little piece. oh well.  

this is from the other day. my eyes look scared.  

this is me on june 5, for mike's aunts/chris's moms wedding. whe she saw this, my momma said that when i wear make-up i look just like demi moore. i still dont see it.  

its so weird. i have so much to report, but nothing to say.

*when people die, they take a piece of us with them*
thursday

last night i found out that one of my friends from high school died over two years ago.. this kid mike loper.. seriously, he was one of the kindest, most warm-hearted people ihave ever met in my entire life.. its always the best people who die young. it wholly despressed me. i wanted to cry. im not friends with anyone from HS anymore except katie and jamie, and i had no way of knowing..... and i feel like a jerk bc i wold have wanted to go to his funeral.. and i would like to know how he died.. all i know is that he is dead and it happened in an accident.. i dont know if it was a car accident or a drinking accident or a drug accident.. seriously, i am everything i am today because of a moment in my life that happened in 1996.. that show i went to in may, the one where i met kurt and gerge and mike kinney... i went with jamie to see mike's band play.. he was like "gille, you should come out and see us at the funhouse" so i did.. and that night has made me who i am.. and i am deeply saddened..

blah. i worked in bar 3 tonight and i only made $175. i should have made $250. fuckers. i will not recount tonights bad tippers, but i will mention two women from toronto. they were really nice and i was chatting with them and all that, i recommended the one on my left's margarita blah blah blah. so they pay me, and there is $48 in the check presenter. the bill was like $46.23. i seriously wanted to cry. i was *such* a good waitress to them, and they left me less than $2!! so. i went over to them and i asked was there something wrong with the service. they said there wasnt, and asked why. so i said "because you left me $2.. and thats less than 5%..." and i was like close to tears.. and the lady on my left is like "oh, its the last leg of our trip" all fast and im like "ok. um, i make $3 an hour." and i walked away. then THEY SAT THERE FOR LIKE 15 MORE MINUTES!!! and left $2 extra on the table. so i got about 10%. grr. i fucking hate canadians. i think canada should be set on fire. thanks.

so after work i talked to candace for a few minutes, and i told her about the chris break up (was it really a break up? we werent ever *together* but whatever) and she was surprised bc when she left for tey-has, i was really into him. such is life. she told me about gus gus and how adorable he is. then i met up with chris for some diner. he said he might come out to my party tomorrow. it wasnt awkward, so i think we will be able to be friends and go to westway and perhaps drink. he talked about my body a lot though, which kinda made me uncomfortable. like he asked me if i was wearing "the money bra" and he said that even without it i have a nice rack, and i was like umm.. yah. friends, remember? then he said i had the perfect girl legs. *sigh* i dont need you tell me im hot, ok? we;re just friends.

oooooh the silverfish! i saw it again. it crawled across the living room floor. how elusive it is. i cant remember the last time i wrote about a silverfish sighting. its fucking huge. i wish it would crawl on the wall or out on the floor again. it went behind the makeshift entertainment center we have set up in our living room, and there are like 900 cords back there.. so i am not going to go looking for it.

im kinda psyched for my party tomorrow. there is a chance of scatter t-storms (boo!) tomorrow afternoon, but i am SWIMMING. it is supposed to be 82 on LI.. i was going to wear my jean skirt tomorrow, but part of me wants to wear my pin-striped skirt with my new kenneth coles.. i could so rock that. wear my red bikini top and perhaps my red halter tank top? or just my regular red tank top? i wish i had a white one. well, i do, but it is a nightshirt.. its a wife beater. i could probably get away with it though.. hmmm.. that would be cool. i could get some usage out of the $80 shoes i bought! im not supposed to expose myself to the sun for prolonged periods of time on my medicine, it says i could get a serious sunburn from it.. eh. i guess it couldnt hurt to get some sunblock, but i mean.. the whole point was to get a tan. i dont want to have to wear sunblock! i already have a nice base tan, but i mean, kim will be back from a week in florida followed by a week of tanning on LI and then a week in puerto rico this week.. and she'll be all dark. so i will have to catch up. but the thing is, its too hot here! on LI, i can at least sit in the sun at my dads and jump in the pool, or go to the beach and go in the ocean when i get too hot. but nooooo, in central park i have to wallow in my sweat until i can go somewhere, which is usually home..

fuck. bug sighting.... it was a rather large silverfish. it is entirely possible that it was the same one i just saw before, but it would have had to crawl right in front of me across the florr to have gotten to where the one i just killed was.. which was alllll the way down our catwalk by the front door. so hmm.. perhaps there were 2. grrr..

anyway its like almost 530 and im tired so im going to bed. i have to get up at 1130 so i can call ryan and hop in the shower. i really dont want to shower, but i feel as though i should. maybe throw on some make up. wait, im swimming. no make up! enough babble. sleeeeeeep!!

nite nite!

oh my god. i was just looking at the enigma's tour schedule and for the first time it was real.. all over the whole country. i am so jealous. i want to go with him. i know i cant, but wow. im going to miss him like crazy. im so excited for him to go and do this and be happy, but part of me is like noooooo!! i dont want to not see him for three months. ugh. well anyway. that is all.

bored. its only 2am. cant go to sleep yet. i finished the love machine today. wooo. next up is great expectations. i hope it doesnt suck. i have a feeling it might be a little hard for me to get into it.. i really wanna read a seperate peace next, but i havent had any time (read: motivation) to go book shopping lately. i think about ordering on amazon, but then i have to pay shipping.. so it makes more sense to just go to borders and use the gift certificate i have to buy a few more books. i also dont wanna go crazy right now since i already have like 539543865282087 books and they are heavy and i am moving in a month and half. *sigh* i have been reading slowly lately, and closing my eyes on the subway instead of reading books. it took me like a month to read the love machine. this is not like me. if i keep at this pace, i will never finish great expectations. i never finished this side of paradise. i should go back and suffer through the rest. it *is* his first work.. and i *do* love gatsby..

anyway. im feeling slightly disconnected tonight. im exhausted. i went to the ryan center this morning and got a new perscription.. came home, chatted with ryan for a wee bit. took a nap, but it was restless. got up all groggy and went to work.. bad tips and lots of people who stayed *way* past their welcome. these two ladies sat at my table for 3.5 hours and left me $4. they robbed me of like $20. i was pissed. also, my last table, i gave them free ice cream for the kid, and they left me $6 on $75. fuckers. it took me like no time at all to get home, so woo to that. got here, chris called. we talked for like 20 minutes.. and now here i am, 2 hours later.

i feel like talking about the enigma but strangely i have nothing to say. i feel like everything with him has become easier now that ive accepted him as my destiny. i feel soothed. but yah. im pretty sure he really isnt my destiny, but hey, if it makes me feel better, why not?

ok. im wasting time typing this. im sorry this has been a complete waste of internet space. i do what i want.

mike: well, i'm going to bed.
gille: nooooo! a pox on yr bed!
mike: what?
mike: did you just curse my bed?
gille: yes ehehehe.
mike: you fucker. you cant curse my bed!

fuckin.... the ootey is back. so. that means i have to go to the stupid clinic again in the morning and shell out $51 for a diagnosis i made myself, and possibly amore expensive perscription since this last one obviously sucked. well, at least im being reimbursed this time.

sooo i talked to chris about the us thing tonight, and i told him i think we should be friends. he said he was sort of beginning to think the same thing. i said he was still welcome at my party saturday, but he said he might go upstate with his dad. sooo. it was weird and uncomfortable.

no enimga today. i thought about him all day. well not *all* day, but he periodically would cross my mind. oh, gorgeous green eyes..

last night was fun. i hung out with mike, we walked to kellogg's diner in williamsburg, had some dinner. came back, smoked, played scattergories (i kicked his ASS!! 158 to 110, baby!). we listened to music and hung out. went to bed at like 330. we got up this morning and had some food, watched court tv (some of it was pretty ridiculous, and we laughed a lot). then i went to work. it was alright tonight. i sold $1100, and i walked with $140. which is weird, considering i had some *really* bad tips. a lot of 10%.. i had a few realllllly good tips though, so i guess it balanced out in the long run. as i was finishing up the sidework, i discovered the ootey.. so it made my westway trip with lee very unhappy.. we were supposed to walk tonight, and i was looking forward to it, but i felt like shit and so we split a taxi. dwindle dwindle goes gille's money. grr.

my eyes are burning. my contacts are blurry. its 420. i have to leave here at like 745 to get to the ryan center by 830. and i want to be first. i wanna be out of there by 915 again, so as to optimize he amount of sleep i can get later. i plan to sleep from 10 - 345. if i leave my backpack all packed from tonight, then i can just wake up, put in my contacts, and go. i can do this!

soooooo this weekend is my graduation party. im going to LI sat morning.. the party is sat afternoon. its gonna be my family, plus antonia, val, mike, lee, jamie, hopefully katie.. ryan. good times. i wont be able to drink due to the antibiotic, but oh well. id rather not have to explain why im not drinking though. grr. maybe ill pretend im on the wagon again. sunday im going to take my dad to see harry potter bc linda wouldnt go with him. i wanted to go to the beach but tut tut, it looks like rain. monday im going to take my momma out bc her birthday was tuesday. i am also trying to see the enigma monday during the day since he is recently unemployed. mmmmm more cuddles!!

ok. three more hours. and mike is going to bed. maybe ill cave and nap for two hours.. i think i can, i think i can..

*its only you, beautiful, or i dont want anyone. if i can choose, its only you*
brand new

recycling again, i know. but you know. they fit.

yesterday with the enigma was perfect and gorgeous and everything i ever imagined it could have been. he got here at 920, he sent me a message saying "you gonna come open the door?" and i was like WHEEEE and i ran down. gave him a huge hug. we came up here, and i hugged him a bunch more and kissed him on the cheek. and i was like "wanna go to bed?" and he was like "sure!" so we went into my room and he took off his shoes and climbed into my bed and held the covers up for me. and i got in and we cuddled and cuddled and like maybe 10 or 20 minutes into it his face got real close to mine.. and i could feel his breath and his lips brushing lightly against mine and it was just like the first time all over again. and then we were making out and it was soooooo good and i was soo happy.. and whatever happened and everything was perfect and fabulous. so then we were cuddling and we were gonna go to sleep, but he wasnt sleepy and he kept talking to me.. he read 30 pages of my thesis and we looked at the vegas pictures. then we made out again and more stuff happened and we were just both really happy and yay.... by then it was like 1230, we cuddled a bunch more.. then he said something about "the other boy" and i was like "what, are you jealous?" and he was like "no hehe" and i was like "yah, well you have a girl thats a little more serious..." and we were both kinda quiet for a minute.. then he told me i was hot. which i thought was funny, esp cos we were tlaking about the girlfriend for a sec. anyway, i got quiet and he was like "yr not talking to me" and i asked what he meant.. and he was like "i dont know.. yr not talking to me like you usually do." and so i basically just said that he was confusing me.. bringing up the other guy, and saying i should be with other guys.. and he said it again, that he doesnt *want* me to be with other guys, but he wants me to be happy.. and he understands that if i meet someone else then he knows its his fault for not knowing what he wants. and i said "i dont really understand this, i mean.. you tell me you think you would be happier with me, but then you want me to be with others guys.. you say you think of me all the time, but you dont wanna be with me. i know you dont know what you want, but i cant figure you out." and he was like "i do want to be with you, i do think i would be happier with you. but brooklyn is far. and now that yr finally moving back, im going on tour for a while. i wish there had been a better time, its always been complicated. i just dont know if it could work." and i was like "seriously, if we've felt this way about each other for 7 years, what do we have to lose?" then he said something about he wished it could be the right time.. sigh. so he said he would stop sending me the nice text messages if it made things easier for me. i told him that was crazy, and he should send me whatever he's thinking.. i told him that really, all i want is to be one of the things he looks forward to coming home for. and he said "oh, well i think i have an opening for that. hehe" and it made me happy. so we snuggled more andfell asleep for like half an hour. then he said he was gonna leave at 230. so at like 215 i gave him lots of kisses and he ended up staying till 3! YAY! and i walked him out, and i immediately missed him. ....

so that was that. it felt good to talk about things, and to hear him say out loud that he thinks he would be happy with me. i just know how i feel about him, and i feel like we just need the right time and place.... myabe when he gets done with tour.. i will not wait for him, but i just have a feeling thats how it will work out. i think if i ended up with anyone else, it would not be right, and it would probably not last forever....

on a darker note.. i saw chris last night. and pretty much cemented that our personalities are not going to be at all compatible in the long run. which sucks i guess, but i was like the anti-affectionate with him last night, and i feel like hes a little condescending and arrogant.. so. i need to tell him that this isnt gonna work.. we are wayyy too different, he irritates me when hes telling me what to do and how to do and that im lazy.. not in so many words, but still.. and i just dont want things to go too far bc i am moving to LI and i dont wanna invest in something here.. so yah... i figure maybe tomorrow or thursday i will try to see him after work.. ill tell him he is still welcome to come to my graduation party, and that i wanna be friends.

anyway. im kinda bummed and anxious right now bc of the drama. the enigma is online right now, and i wanna say hi.. but. eh. sometimes its not him. i think i might nap. mike is coming over in a bit. so yah, im out....

he's here! he's here!

aah!! hes on his way!!! i messaged him at 730, and he responded at like 745 that he is!! so i hopped in the shower and washed up, and when i got out i got another message saying he was only in huntington.. arrrrgh. that means he will be hitting traffic. he'll probably get here at like 915 or something. but still! that means there are probably like 35 minutes left at most!!! if he was at 49 at 810.. it is now 835.. so hes probably at like 33 or so now.. has to get to 16.. but the traffic on greenpoint ave in the morning is intense, and i would imagine that the LIE is backed up by now.. with all those commuters.. im trying to not smoke too many cigs, i dont wanna smell icky when i just showered so id smell pretty and be super soft and YAY!! im watching the traffic right now, and the little things that mean cars look like they are moving alright.

so im listening to cursive right now, being super psyched. my belly is still mushy and im still like aaaaaaah with excitement. i will run downstairs when he messages that he is here, i will run SO FAST ill look like a flash of lightning. run down there, wrap my arms around him in a great big hug! lead him up here and go straight into my bed. i only went to bed at 530. i think i fell asleep right away. my alarm clock went off at 732. so i got approximately 2 hours sleep. which is fine by me bc sleeping beside him will be sooo much better than sleeping alone last night. i put my contacts in, which will probably upset my eyes later, but who cares? no makeup, no nothing. just fresh clean gille. for fresh clean cuddles!!!

i cant see past the cuddles in time. i know im supposed to see chris later, but who cares. he called me last night at like 230 or so, and he said he had just woken up from a nap. and i said i would call him when i was in the city. he said i didnt sound excited. i dont know what he wants from me. he isnt the enigma, he doesnt get cheers and super excitement. i mean, im happy to hang out with him, and im going to suggest we go see mean girls. perhaps have some dinner.. im assuming i will spend the night there. i have to remember saline and stuff. plus im irritated at him for assuming we would hang out in the city. he was like "call me when yr in the city, it doesnt make sense for you to go to brooklyn and then come back here." um, why cant i just go to brooklyn and you can meet me out here??? fucker. it upsets me that he gets to show off all the time (and i know he loves to show off.. he is kind of arrogant), and i dont have the opportunity to be like "this is my stuff, these are my books, these are my cds.." you know? its all chris, all the time. mike says its bc he was a spoiled kid and always got what he wanted, and it made him arrogant in his adult life. whatever. the pretension kind of annoys me though. when i hear his voice sometimes it embarasses me.. i cant explain it well, only that its very.. snooty at times. and you can tell he had a well-to-do upbringing. and here i am, lower middle class gille, who grew up on pb&j and spaghetti, and had two pairs of pants. i did not grow up that way, and spoiled people upset me. mike also says that chris is ultra conservative. i mean, i know he is a republican, but he isnt *that* conservative.

anyway. i dont want to think about chris. i will not feel guilty when the enigma is here, though i will feel guilty later when i am with chris. kim said i would get over it. shes the queen of juggling. she also said that she was disappointed in me, and that i should "lose that conscience." im working in it, girl. trust me.

ok. im going to read more of the love machine, im almost done. im up to like page 430 out of 510. i have to go book shopping, i need more books! anyway. i shall read and bubble with excitement while listening to the ugly organ and.. aaaah!! 850!!! soon gille, soon. dont die of excitement before the cuddles can begin...

*yr in my web now, ive come to wrap you up tight till its time to bite down* ooh i am soooo in yr web!! and i LOVE it.

*for so long i thought i was asylum bound, but just seeing you makes me think twice. and being with you here makes me sane, i fear ill go crazy if you leave my side.*
dashboard

oh!my!god! 4 hours and 15 minutes! ok, probably 5 or 6 or 7 hours. but if he *really* gets here at 8, then FOUR HOURS!! aaah! my stomach is twisted with excitement, i cant stop thinking about the moment he arrives, i cant wait to be wrapped up in his arms and enveloped in his scent and mmmm!! MMMMM!! oh my god oh my god oh my god. i swear to god that if this isnt love, then i have no idea what this feeling is, and ive never felt anything as instense as this.. i never imagined that my heart could ache for the same man for seven years.. especially considering that i met him when i was 17. i was so young and immature, and how could this have sprouted then? no one has ever made me melt the way he does, no one has ever gave me these butterflies.. and every time i have a text message from him my eyes light up. i constantly think about moving to LI and how i will be closer to him, and when he gets home from tour.... oh gille, stop it! i cant do this to myself. he is going to be on tour until september, and then maybe out again in october.. and thats fine with me, cos i know he doesnt hook up on he road, and i know that ill be there when he gets home.. but i dont know that i am the girl he wants to come home to.. but remember yesterday? remember "i always feel like i'd be happier with you"? what did that MEAN? both of us wake up wishing the other was there. both of us miss each other, and think of each other all the time..

oh my god oh my god.. my stomach is twisting, it feels like my insides are melting and i am choking on every breath that brings me closer to yr arrival.. please dont bail, please be here by 10.. i mean. i can understand if he oversleeps a little and doesnt get out here till noon.. but i dont want that. i figure he will want to leave by 4, since he has practice at 630. i want him here at 8, giving me 8 solid hours with him.. eight sold hours of cuddles and hugs and nestling.. and oh my god. i see it when i close my eyes, i feel my head on his chest.. i feel my face inches from his, warm breath on my face.. i imagine the feeling and the anticipation and the intensity that is us.. while i lay there, eyes closed.. and ill occasionally peak at you, see if yr sleeping.. and maybe yr face will inch closer to mine, until yr lips are literally right on mine, ill feel the warmth exuding from yr mouth and ill know its almost time to lose myself in this boy, this boy i adore, this boy i would wait forever for, to be his girl, and to wake up every morning beside him..

oh its 4:06!! that means less than 4 hours! aaaah! i cannot even convey my excitement properly. the best way for me to explain the feeling is mush. my insides feel like mush, they are all a mess of feeling and anticipation and fear. the fear is that he will cancel, or that things will go badly. i know i wont be able to sleep. i know i will be a mess, and that i will close my eyes and immediately be struck with this sense of.. elation. my lips will impulsively work themselves into a smile.. and i wont be able to stop it, my eyes will pop open, my heart will skip beats and ill lay there in amazement. because you AMAZE me. i am simply amazed by everything you do to me, by everything you say to me, by the overwhelming longevity of these feelings i thought could be erased so easily. i let go of boys so easily.. sure i might ache for a while when things are over, but i usually move on. i cannot move on from you, i cannot make my way in the world without thinking of the possiblity of us.

oooohhh 3 hours and 45 minutes. im going to lay down. because i have to wake up at 730 and text you to see if you are on yr way, and then i have to shower and go back to sleep.. oh my god, remember to breathe, gille.. remember to take it one minute at a time, remember that forever doesnt start tomorrow, and that this love has lasted through trials and tribulations and much heartbreak.. and its not going anywhere. there is a time and place.. and someday the conditions with be favorable, and you will need me. and the fantasy of us waking up together every single day will become a reality. i wanna fast forward through everything else. because you are my destiny.

and i think that, deep down, you know this, too.

*i will lie awake. lie for fun and fake the way i hold you. then you'll fall for every empty word i say.*
brand new

i just got off the phone with kim. we told our respective boy dramas. for some reason i wasnt really feeling like talking, though, which made it crappy. i listened to her talk for like half hour.. and i had nothing to say back.. cos im sleepy. i dont know why. i think part of me really wants to sleep away the time left before i see the enigma.. *if* i see the enigma.. i dont think he will fail me, but who knows with him.

i called chris when i got off the phone with kim, but his message said he was on the phone. so i said to call me back. i am waiting till he calls me to smoke.. cos i know i will be incoherent if i do, and i have to be believable. well. kind of i dont. because the thing is, he never called me tonight, and its midnight. soooo its not like we could have hung out. i only want to talk to him tonight bc i'd like to gauge our plans for tomorrow, like where we are staying, and what we can do. mean girls is playing at the 42nd St AMC, but i think he said he wants to watched the mothman prophecies on video.. we could watch here, but its dvd, so it will go in and out. which sucks. im kinda tired of his place though. i have a bigger bed. but.. if i have the other boy here during the day, then.. i mean, what if chris smells another man on my sheets? is that even possible? perhaps we should do his place. it would be ok, cos i have therapy in the morning. i could even walk. well, no its supposed to rain.. i could take the S to the 6, though. we shall see. i suppose i will sort these things out when he calls me back. if he calls me back. its already 12:15 though.. well, 12:10. and i only called him 10 minutes ago. im soooo impatient.

blah blah. today was like the anti-exciting. i woke up at 5.. came out here, sat on the couch. i went to rite aid and bought a shit load of candy bc it was on sale. i got a mixed minis bag, i got twix, i got peanut m+m's.. and i got riesen. i also got cranberry pills to promote a healthy urinary tract and some smokes. oh and i got small smaples of this shampoo i liked. cool. then i went to key food and i got some salad and some yogurt and cheese, and bagels and peanut butter and jelly.. cookies.. nothing healthy of course. i came home and made a salad with lettuce and cukes.. put oil and vinegar on it and some salt. the vinegar burned my mouth. i should perhaps eat less. im also trying to eat a lot of yogurt to restore the helpful bacteria to my stuff, since the antibiotic for UTI's kills *all* bacteria. anyway, i ate my salad and some yogurt and some cookies, watched law and order.. ate more salad (its so weird, i feel full but only for a little while, then i want junk food). watched crossing jordan. talked to myspace mike on aim for a while (which im still doing).. called kim back.. and the rest has already been said up there.

the lyrics i picked for today were chosen about the enigma.. i think thats how HE feels, not me. empty words.. i think "bike scene" by taking back sunday applies to my side.. "so honestly, how could you say those things.. when you know they dont mean anything, and you know very well, that i cant keep my hands to myself, hands to myseeeelf." yah. tomorrow.. a) will he even come here and b) will we keep our hands to ourselves? i have this picture of us.. the way i see things happening is.. ok, assuming he gets here at 8.. i see myself going downstairs in pajamas, and having him come upstairs. figure we will either sit out here and be like.. yah.. or just go straight to my bed and commence cuddles. i would like it to be the latter, though i am not sure that will happen. my problem is that i would like to shower. i thought i could shower tonight, but i really wanna be super soft and fresh smelling. which means i should get up at like 745 and shower. but what if he doesnt show up on time? and what if he only texts me when he gets here? then what? do i be like "hey, play guitar for a little, im going to rinse off"? nooo. so i have to be clean before he gets here. sigh. i was going to learn hands down on guitar, but i got lazy. perhaps i still will..

anyway. enough for now. probably more later ....

*breathe in for luck, breathe in so deep, this air is blessed, you share with me, this night is wild, so calm and dull, these hearts they race, from self control, yr legs are smooth, as they graze mine, we're doing fine, we're doing nothing at all.. my hopes are so high that yr kiss might kill me, so wont you kill me, so i die happy? my heart is yrs to fill or burst, to break or bury, or wear as jewelry, whichever you prefer. hands down this is the best day, i can ever remember, ill always remember the sound of the stereo, the dim of the soft lights, the scent of yr hair, that you twirled in yr fingers, and the time on the clock, when we realized its so late, and this walk that we share, together.*
dashboard confessional

i know ive used these lyrics time and time again, and always in reference to the enigma. its our song. it makes me feel soo good, remembering our first night together and having that song so many of the emotions i felt that day. yesterday we texted from like 1030am till 1am. yahhh. it was real intense. some exerpts, you say? sure. why not..

443pm : i think we worked real well together. seriously you were perfect. the talking to the actions... perfect.
455pm : i always want you. i dont know how you do it. and i always want you 10x more than i ever wanted anyone.
.. i ask him if he ever thinks of me when hes hooking up with other girls ..
919pm : i dont know. maybe. i know i've woken up thinking of you, wishing you were there instead of the person i was with. i definitely think of you a lot.. a lot.
1032pm : i seriously think of you all the time. i always want to be with you. i always feel like i'd be happier with you. im always attracted to you too.
1201am : i want to see you monday. i wanna make you smile so good. ill come early. we can cuddle and sleep together. then wake and cuddle some more. i cant wait to feel you.
1244am : im gonna get some sleep now. i wish i was getting some.. from you of course. im gonna dream about feeling yr skin close. wishing you were here.
.. i ask him if he thinks we'll ever stop feeling this way about each other ..
1256am : dont know. i guess we've felt this way for years now huh? i guess we'll have to find out. have a good night and think of me. ill be thinking of you.

*sigh* the whole thing felt so surreal. sometimes i couldnt believe he was typing those words.. "i always think i would be happier with you." it made me giddy, i got butterflies, and i constantly had to restrain myself from writing "i love you." because its the only thing that kept running through my head. over and over.

and then it was weird. cos, you know, i was staying with chris that night. at first i felt awkward.. and i didnt know what to say. i felt nervous and guilty. but he made me laugh and he was all cute and i kinda stopped thinking about the enigma for long enough to enjoy my evening with chris. but he was in a bad mood, all grumpy, and i pinched him and he kinda snapped at me. which made me a little irritated, cos i didnt even pinch him hard. so whatever, that was on the walk home from a bar, where we had a beer after going to westway. so we get back to his place, and it was late so we got ready for bed.. and we made out, whatever, and he got all frustrated with me bc he couldnt read my body language (??) and he felt like he wasnt being effectual with me. but he was totally overreacting, and he got pouty, and he didnt wanna do *anything* he just wanted to lay there and go to sleep. so we kinda argued cos hey, i thought i was gonna get some. but besides that, it was really stupid for him to get all pissy bc i wasnt being fulfilled. grr. well he finally fell asleep at like 6, and i probably fell asleep around 630 or 7.. the alarm was set for 830 (i told him to set it for 910, but noooo) and so it goes off, he gets out of bed, turns it off, comes back and cuddles with me. we fall back asleep. i wake up at the clock says 935. im like "fuck" and i jump out of bed. i had to race to get ready for work, and i clocked in 22 minutes late. that kind of irritated me.

work was ok. i made $200, it was sooooooooo busy!! i was sooo happy! it was painless, i walked with 18%, i was sooo cheerful from the enigma discussion from yesterday. it cancelled out the drama with chris. and i gave away my sunday morning shift. cos i knew i would be up at 2 am writing in my ejournal instead of sleeping and i just need some rest! now i have three days off! woooo!!

after work i met up with twon and we went to the hollywood diner (14th and 6th) for dinner. it was good. he had roasted duck (ewww) and i had fettucine alfredo with mozz sticks as an app. after that we wondered around and ended up at madison square park. we talked for a while and watched these bright green lightening bugs. then we went over to where his gf works and hung out there till she closed the place. once closed, we walked to 14th & 8th.. i got on the E and they got on the L. i should have gotten on the L too, but i wasnt thinking. i was soo tired, all i wanted to do was come sleep. mike wanted me to go to a party with him tonight, but i was wayyy too tired. i meant to be asleep by now. i still plan to go to bed fairly soon.

so chris called me at like 11:45. he was with his cousins, and he asked if i wanted to play tomorrow night.. and i was kinda high and i had to think of a reason why i couldnt see him sunday night (as that would *certainly* impede the early morning arrival of the enigma!!), and i just was like "i feel like i have stuff to do monday morning, i have to check my planner" to buy myself some time. and he suggested monday night, and i said i was totally free, so we should do that. which would be weird, you know, sloppy seconds with chris. oops. but hanging out with him after the enigma is way easier than before, since the enigma would be leaving here by like 4, anyway. i could see chris for dinner at like 6. and no one would ever know except me and you. why am i being so nefarious? ive never been sneaky before. i mean, im not *cheating* on chris, we have never discussed exclusivity, and he didnt ask if i was hooking up with anyone when we met. part of me feels like im cheating on the enigma bc hes the one i have serious feelings for that will never diminish (obviously). i mean, i reallllly like chris, i think he is great, but the way i feel about him doesnt compare to the enigma, i cant imagine it ever becoming that way, either.. i live and breathe for the enigma, i have for seven years. i need him, and he needs me, in some weird warped way. and the more i fight it, the more intense it becomes when it worms its way back into the forefront of my mind. we belong together.

but. i like chris, too. and the enigma cannot give me what i need at this point in my life.. he is going out on tour from july to september, and then again in october if the summer tour goes well. i know ive always said i would wait for him and simply be the girl he comes home to.. but if anything is going to really HAPPEN between us, it wont happen for like another six months or a year. so why should i give up other men in the meantime? even if things do go exclusive with chris, it wont be hard for me to be faithful, seeing as the enigma wont be in the state or even in this region of the country for most of the time.

i think really, im just cheating on myself.

so whatever like 20 minutes later chris calls me back and hes like "yah i just wanted to call you back so i could talk to you away from my cousins for a few minutes.. how was yr day?" and i told him. and he was like "im really sorry about you being late to work, that was dick of me to fail at making sure you got up." and he kept apologizing for being grumpy last night and he said he was sorry if he bummed me out, but that he was really glad i came over last night.. and i said i was too, but im not sure i meant it the same way he did, and i dont think it would have been sincere if i'd said anything more than "me too." but. yes. i thought it was weird that he called me back, bc i mean, we didnt cover new ground whilst out of the earshot of his cousins.. we had the same conversation we had had 20 minutes before. it made little sense. and he said he would call me tomorrow, and that we should do something monday. i said ok.

what have i gotten myself into?

i will sleep now. im burning out from being awake 17 hours, and working 9 of those hours, on at most 2.5 hours sleep. zzzz night night..

no lyrics again. need some new emo!

soooooooo the enigma is back in full force today. like last nights drama that i babbled about being sad and weird and.. like it was an omen. or something. because i woke up at 1230 and i had a text from him saying he was stressed out bc he is leaving for three months, and his sister is having marital problems, and he is having girl problems.. and he said it was bc laura is moving away and he is going away.. and shes moving to manhattan, and thats too far for him. so i said "i dont know what to say. good advice doesnt often come from the other girl." and so he asked how i was, and i said i was alright, that i had met a really great boy, but that im leaving soon. so he said we had a similar predicament. and he asked again when i was moving home. he said he would keep me company when i did. but he will be on tour till like october, so.. then he asked when i was free next week.. i told him my schedule, and i said to call me whenever he has some time, and i'll hang out unless they take hamilton off the $10 bill in favor of ronald reagan, in which case im leaving the country. so he said "i hope they dont. thats one of the stupidest ideas ever." and i said reagan already has an airport and he doesnt deserve to be on my money. he said "i miss you girlie." and i said "i miss you, boy.." and oops there is my phone vibrating again.. "i cant wait to see yr cuteness now. hehe. im all giggles for some reason. hehe." oh, why do you do this to meeee? im a mess now, and i feel like im cheating on you. but im not bc you have a girl! and why shouldnt i have a guy? why should i feel bad about having a boy that i like? but i do! i fucking do, and i miss you so bad now, i cant wait to see you and im planning all my witty jokes in advance, so you smile and laugh and want to stay with me forever.

ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh. whyyyyy? this is incredibly unfair. my logical half is like "dont be stupid, he is only going to cling to you bc laura is gone. and even if you end up together, he'll probably cheat on you with her, like he did on her with you. so stop." it is like an internal war. it needs to stop. one side simply has to kill the other, i think.

but.. im still sort of excited to see chris tonight. not as excited as i was before i heard from the enigma all day and had the swelling of my heart take place. but excited. i have to remember to bring a contact case and some solution, and my glasses.. and.. what else.. i think thats it. a change of underwear would be good.

so. yah. there goes the vibration again. he said "alright so we'll hang out next week. im nost sure when, but ill give you a text. hehe or else ill just show up. whatever is easiest for you. is there anything you want to do?" and so i wrote "if its daytime and nice out, we can lay in the sun and have lots of hugs." mmm.. hugs... mmmmm.... hugs!! but but but.. this is WRONG. wrong, wrong, wrong. WRONG. but hes soooooo... cute and adorable and giggley and and.. and he means so much to me.

seriously. if one side doesnt kill the other soon, im going to go crazy.

i just lost my whole post. fuck.

*hope dangles on a string like slow spinning redemption winding in and winding out the shine of which has caught my eye
and roped me in so mesmerizing, so hypnotizing i am captivated*
dashboard confessional

im itchy. i think its cos its kinda hot in here. it was cooler today, but the air in here stays so.. i dont know. stagnant. thick.

im kinda tired, but i am not sleepy. im excited about tomorrow. i know i have to work like 9 hours, but afterward im going to see chris. we'll probably go to westway, though he joked that we had to go somewhere else when i talked to him before. we are then going to watch the mothman prophecies, which he says is scary. he promised to protect me if mothman comes. haha. im psyched to get to cuddle and make out and mmmmm.. im very excited, i do not know why, but im reallllllly looking forward to it. the boy makes me tingle, what can i say?

sooooo yah. i worked tonight and it was lame. i had two parties. i made $44 on one party, and $23 on the other. im not complaining, $67 in 3.5 hours is nothing to shake ones head at.. and i certainly made more than if i had been in station 11. and i still have three shifts this week, so its not that bad. tomorrow i should make at least $100, same with saturday.. and sunday ill be happy with $50. i have like $150 right now, or just under that.. and i have a bunch of checks to deposit bc i didnt go to the bank this week.. im going to make my deposit on tuesday as usual.

candace is leaving for tey-has (ok, texas) saturday morning. she is going to meet her nephew, gus. he was born a few weeks ago. hes a baby! you would have to know us to get that one. she will be gone until the 19th.. and when she arrives she is coming out to LI for my graduation party. that means i have no roommate for a whole week. im not that excited, i dont like being home alone. and i think chris is going to be working, which means he wont be able to keep me company. boo! what if someone comes in and takes me? what if i die in my sleep? no one would come check on me till she got home from texas. ok, stop being morose, gille. you will be fine.

eeep eeeep eeep!! im so excited! im so excited!

conversely, i am a little sad that i have not heard from the enigma. i sent him a text today, but he didnt respond. *how did we get this far apart, we used to be so close together* thats the cure. mmmm. i think i used that lyric when i got my tattoo. it is really saddening, though, and i miss him. its no where NEAR as intense as it used to be, and my eagerness to see him is now coupled by dread bc im afraid we will hook up, and what if there is something exclusive going on with chris at that point? i want to see him before he goes on tour, and i think tomorrow is his last day of work.. i dont know what to do. part of me is aching to see him, part of me is terrified and wonders what i've gotten myself into. it sucks. i cant even talk to mike about it, bc its his fucking cousin.. and i cant be like telling him i wanna see the enigma, cos he might tell chris and i dont want that..

ok back to chris. im pretty confused-ish. i mean, i am but im not.. and i know i babbled about this yesterday, so im not going to repeat myself.. candace thinks that i should talk to him and ask him if this is like gonna be friends with benefits or if it has the potential to grow into something big.. but i mean, that seems awkward. and it also seems SOON.. i mean we met 5 days ago. i cant expect to know anything yet. but at the same time, we've already spent a night together.. i cant believe i went home with him on the first night. im not supposed to do that, im supposed to hold myself back from moving too quickly with boys i actually like so as not to get involved in a sexual relationship before there is any emotional or mental thing going on between us. ugh ugh ugh. my stupid hormones get in the way allll the time. i need ass. im like a fucking GUY. and we totally didnt have to do anything saturday, he said it wasnt going to be that night, and then it was bc we got carried away.. seriously the *only* guy who could control himself was dave. and kurt, i guess, but kurt more bc he was afraid to have sex with me.. but dave, we would be making out and he would stop himself bc he didnt want to go to far.. bc he knew i didnt want to have sex with him right away.. and we never did bc he was too afraid he would hurt me bc he wasnt ready to settle down. sometimes i wonder about him. i figure he meant it, or else he would have tried to hit it. i think he really did care about me a lot, and he really didnt want to hurt me. being with him was thrilling. he wasnt hot or anything, but he made me laugh a lot with corny jokes and he made me feel really good. we were going to 7-11 once and i was driving.. and he told me to trust him and to close my eyes for a sec, and when i did, he leaned over and kissed me. while i was driving. it was exciting. and i trusted him. we got high and sat in my downstairs watching tv. he would come over after my mom had gone to work and climb into bed with me. i saw him on halloween in 2000. it was different though, i wasnt attracted to him at all anymore, and it was awkward. i think he wanted another chance. but i met nick that night. and the rest is history. i feel like ive told this story before..

but yah. the point is that im upset with myself for moving quickly, but i know that i wont be able to stop myself tomorrow bc i just plan *need* instant gratification.

in other news, i saw derek tonight. he was working downstairs, though. i was unintentionally a little stiff with him.. i noticed i was doing it, but i couldnt stop. part of me loathes him for making me his fill in girl while katie was mad at him. and i sort of cant believe they are talking again after the whole ordeal that he went through with her last month. but such is life. i am not pressing him to hang out, or even suggesting we do that. it was easy for him to fall out of my life. its a good thing i *didnt* open up to him, that i didnt call him in the middle of the night bc i needed someone. cos i would feel even shittier. he doesnt care. he didnt care. it was all lip service, and i was stupid enough to even believe it for a second. when i was leaving i went and i gave him a crappy hug and a kiss on the cheek that really landed in the air. he asked if i was working tomorrow, and i said yes in NT4.. so he was like "im in 1, so ill see you" and i was like "right on." he asked how my night was, and i was like "it was ok.. later!" and i went outside to smoke a cig with monty. derek came out like a minute later and he talked to me, and i think i was stillbeing distant and awkward and laughing nervously. i wonder if hes onto me. i hope he doesnt ask.

anyway. i am going to vamoose. sweet dreams are made of these.

soooo sleepy.... the past two days have been rough. after i posted my last entry, i went to the bathroom and felt that bad burning sensation that signals an UTI (pronounced "ooo-ty", if yr me). i tried to sleep, but alas, i could not, bc it hurt like i had to pee and i tried 4 times. ugh. so. i finally slept for like maybe 3 hours, woke up bc of the sensation of needing to pee, and couldnt go back to sleep. went to therapy, babbled about chris and how i was really happy i met him and blah blah. i went to central park and i sunbathed for 3 hours, my tan is getting there. YAY. i was sweaty, though, and i do not like that. no way. so then i went to chevys at 5 to get my work schedule, and i hadnt heard from twon yet (we had plans to meet up tues night), so i decided to call chris and see if i could tear him away from his work for some food. it turned out that he was on 42nd St, like 50 feet from me, walking back from the library. he said he was hoping to run into me, cos he knew i would be on 42nd st around 5. i thought that was sweet. so he grabbed my hand and asked if i minded if we stopped at his dads office so he could check email. i met his dad. when we were walking to westway, we passed baxter. which was kinda weird. but anyway. we ate westway, and we were talking, and i confessed about my UTI bc i really didnt know what to do about it.. i dont have healthcare, and it NEEDS antibiotics. so he suggested we go to this community clinic on 10th Ave. i educated him on the UTI, he didnt know what they were or how they were caused. it caused him great pride. the clinic wasnt taking any more walk-ins, and i had to come back the next day.. so we went to CVS to get otc stuff for the time being, then we went back to his place. he showed me a bunch of stuff, like the pics he took during the blackout, and books, and the designs he was working on. and we made out a little. it was good. but i was like "now i have to go home all sexually frustrated" (cos he had to get back to work on his stuff) and he was like "good, this way i know i'll see you again." but i dont know how to take that. i mean.. i know i have a complex that believes that everything with me is based in sex.. and obviously he is attracted to me and wants to make it (ok maybe it is obvious only to me bc i will not go that far as to divulge what exactly he says to me on here).. but at the same time.. ok, like today, i saw him twice. im so getting ahead of myself. lets go back for a sec. so i left his place at like 8 so he could work on his designs, and i came home. hung out with candace for a while.. then he called me at like 11 and we talked for 3 hours. after we had hung out for three hours only 3 hours before! insane. we joked about the air conditioning, cos he said he always sleeps with it on, and he didnt sat night cos he thought i was cold. so he said fri we would use it, and somehow it ended in me telling him i was boycotting his bed. so he was like "thats it, friday's off. you have to go to brooklyn at 2am and come back to the city at 9" and i was like "nooo!" so he said "no. i want you in my bed friday. and many more times." so that is promising, but is it promising in the sense of that this will grow, or that this will remain nuetral and be another hook up thing? argh. i mean.. he is WAY more attentive and sweet and publicly showing affection than the enigma EVER was.. and derek, too. ok, so derek and i made out at bars, but that hardly shows affection. its not the same as holding hands. ANYWAY. at 215ish we decided we should go to bed. he told me to call him when i was done with my appointment so he knew i was ok. soooo.. i slept ok last night, but only for like 4 hours. got up, went to the clinic. paid $51 for the doctor to tell me what i already knew. got a perscription. it was only 9:20, and i was super psyched cos i thought i'd be there all day. so i called him and i woke him (which is ok bc he was supposed to get up at 9, anyway). i told him about the clinic and stuff, and i said i was dropping off my perscription. we talked for like 15 minutes, then he asked if i wanted to get breakfast.. so we got egg sammiches and ate them in this "park" (in quotes bc it really isnt a park, its benches on the sidewalk of 43rd St). we people watched, and there was this guy wearing ALLL green, sitting with his laptop, billy joel blasting out of it.. he was sideways swaying along to the music, smoking a cigar and singing. he had a skull cap on, and over that he a knit cap. it was bizarre. we laughed and it was fun.. so i left him at like 1030 so he could get to work. came home, talked to ryan for a bit, then i took a nap, which was a weird semi-conscious sleep that did not help my condition AT ALL. i was more tired when i woke up. i showered, went to work. i took my second pill (i only have 6, its a 3 day thing, which is way weird, but ok) and i guess i hadnt eaten enough cos i felt all nauseas. so work sucked cos i didnt feel good and i was tired and it was slow. i was doing my rollups and i called chris to see how his stuff was coming, and he sounded a little better.. he was stressed this morning. he said i should eat to belay the nausea, and he said to call him when i was leaving and perhaps we would get westway. so i did, and we did. i had grilled cheese and cream of broccoli soup. he had a chicken wrap. i fought him for the check, and i paid (woo! finally i paid for something!). we talked and laughed and when we left we kinda snuggled on the street for a while. its really cute cos hes like 6" taller than i am, and when he hugs me, he constantly kisses the top of my head, like nonstop. and i love it. cos you know, i am not used to mansized men.. im used to skinny boys who are barely taller than me.. and with him i feel so little. its like being wrapped up in boy. so finally im like "ok do yr work." and he hailed me a cab.. he opened the door for me, and he closed it for me too! how gentlemanly! and now i am home. *sigh* i talked to mike about the whole thing, well, i mean parts of it, cos its kinda clear that he isnt wanting to be involved and stuff, but i asked him if chris is a good guy, cos i like him, and i dont wanna set myself up for being hurt when i find out that, really, he is a womanizer who just wanted to have me in his bed. so mike tells me that he doesnt think its going to work out in the long run bc we are soo different, and that he thinks i will get bored with chris, and chris will become impatient with me. but that he can see exactly why we like each other, and it could work. and i was like "ok. um i didnt ask you if we have a future together, i was asking if hes a womanizer." so he said, no, that he thinks hes looking for a serious relationship, and that he is a good guy. and i told him that right now, its worth a shot to me, bc i have a lot of fun with him, and i get giddy when he calls, and i love seeing him for meals. and see, thats what throws me. cos im not used to boys liking me AND wanting to hit it.. i think that if he was only interested in sex, then he wouldnt have asked me to get TWO meals with him today. i did not go upstairs with him either time, and the most we kissed was hello and goodbye, and the little top-of-the-head-kisses when we were snuggling on the street. and he *always* holds my hand or puts his arm around me. at the diner, when we finished our meals, he like put his hands out on the table and motioned for me to hold them.. its cute. and i know its way too early to know if things will progress, but at the same time, im afraid that i will let myself open up only to get smashed again. im barely thinking of the enigma since i met chris. which is crazy, bc even while i was hooking up with derek, i still missed him and wanted to see him.. but i havent even messaged him since monday. so i dont know.

oh my. it is now 5:10am and its light out. i must sleep before i die. goodnight!

eep. i need to go to bed. ive been waiting for a response from twon but it must be busy for him tonight. im eating utz nachos. mmmm.

so today was alright. i got up, talked to ryan on AIM for a while, then i went into my bed and read a bunch more of the love machine. then i got up and showered. went to see derek's improv thing. it was good. it was a little awkward for me, seeing as there was this blonde girl there with him, who appeared to be the katie. which would explain why i havent heard from him or hung out with him recently. thats ok though, cos ive moved on. justin and shasta were there, so that was cool cos i hadnt seen them in like a month.

i didnt go to the bar with them all afterward. instead i came home to play dr mario with ryan. we listened to cursive and then taking back sunday. he was falling asleep so he left.

i checked my voicemail bc kim had called and i had two! one was from chris! so i smiled all giddy and called him back. we talked for two hours and three minutes. we talked about hamitlon and types of history and therapy and debt and all sorts of things. and i had more gnats in my room, so he was like "yah, i dont think ill be coming out there, i think ill just buy a bigger bed" which made me giggle. he told me that he told his mom that i spent the night with him, which was weird cos now she knows, but.. it was funny, he was like "when i left her after it was done, i was like 'we'll see what happens' bc if i didnt she would have been playing yenta at her own wedding." but he said she was happy for him.. and we talked about lending each other books. then he was hungry so he said he was going to order a turkey burger and go to bed so he could get up in the morning and work on his designs. i asked him if he was free anytime soon, and he said he would call me wednesday about doing something thursday night. he is in a design crunch right now and has to get it done. which is cool. i have semi-plans for tomorrow.. working wednesday. wheee. i kinda really wanna hang out again, im excited to see how it goes and hang out more sober. im feeling good about it today cos i was thinking about it, and how before i got drunk or anything, when we were at the wedding, i wanted to ask mike if his cousin had a girlfriend, but i didnt cos i didnt know if he would tell chris i asked. anyway, yah, im excited about it, and he was all being cute on the phone again, making vague references to times in the future. the drawback to this potential relationship is the fact that an opera singer lives like next door or above him, and she was practicing all day sunday. thats probably why i kept waking up, actually. but it was a little intense. i hope we do something fun. maybe ill see if he wants to go to a movie after i work on thursday. that is, if i get out early enough.. i have to get my schedule tomorrow. the thing with that, though, is that we should get tickets in advance, so we have to talk about it in advance. well maybe we wont need to. we'll see. i wanna do something that doesnt involve alcohol, i think. but what else does one do at 11pm? and will there even be any movies that late on a weekday? maybe we will go to westway. im really excited, i wish thursday was tomorrow. im really happy that he called today and didnt wait a few days.. i hate when guys wait a few days, it makes me more insecure. im also really happy that we could argue points and stuff, we argued about hamilton a little bit.. he told me that he feels like im an old soul bc i have a sense about me that shows my intentions. it was sweet..

this is freaking me out a little, bc i feel like i think about whether or not i have a future with a guy these days.. and trying to weed out the ones that arent potentially the one.. bc i wasted almost 2 years with nick when i could have been meeting new people and falling in love instead of patching up a sinking ship constantly. but with chris, so far, so good. we agree on a lot of important things.. we both want to have three kids. it appears that he likes cats bc when he was looking at pics he was like "awwww look at the kitties!" that is a HUGE bonus. he is really smart, hes artistic. he doesnt have tattoos but he wants some. hes witty, we laugh. but i mean, i cant really know just yet, considering that we only met three days ago.. granted we spent a full 24 hours together the first day (although it was intermittant until about 5pm on saturday.. but from like 5 on sat till 245 on sun we were together), i still cant know everything about him. and what if i move to LI, bc thats what im leaning towards? should i tell him NOW that im thinking about it, so as to find out what he thinks about it? or should i wait to drop the bomb when he already really likes me so that he'll wanna see what happens? i really need to figure that out. i dont want to be deceitful. thats for sure. i mean, i know im not moving FAR, and ill be less than an hour away, and if i am teacher, i will have weekends off.. yah. im thinking way too far in advance again. but i cant help it, i like him, and i am excited about the prospect of starting something new and good and happy, with someone who really likes me, instead of thinking im only good for sex. someone i can talk to and have intellectual discussions, and someone who makes me think instead of sitting lifelessly and constantly wanting to get it on.. also, i really want to invite him to my graduation party, but i am kind of afraid to bring him home just yet. bc he isnt my boyfriend.. and i think it would be hard to explain.. "yah this is the guy im seeing"? riiiiight. i dont think i would be very embarassed, and ive also already met his whole family, so.. i dont know, i will bring it up to him when i see him. ill let it be up to him.

anyway. its like almost 430 and i am tired. i have therapy in the morning, so i should get to bed. no one to talk to on here, anyway. they are having one of their crazy travesties at the W tonight, so twon is unavailable. sooo goodnight :)