is it too late to heal?

soooo sleepy.... the past two days have been rough. after i posted my last entry, i went to the bathroom and felt that bad burning sensation that signals an UTI (pronounced "ooo-ty", if yr me). i tried to sleep, but alas, i could not, bc it hurt like i had to pee and i tried 4 times. ugh. so. i finally slept for like maybe 3 hours, woke up bc of the sensation of needing to pee, and couldnt go back to sleep. went to therapy, babbled about chris and how i was really happy i met him and blah blah. i went to central park and i sunbathed for 3 hours, my tan is getting there. YAY. i was sweaty, though, and i do not like that. no way. so then i went to chevys at 5 to get my work schedule, and i hadnt heard from twon yet (we had plans to meet up tues night), so i decided to call chris and see if i could tear him away from his work for some food. it turned out that he was on 42nd St, like 50 feet from me, walking back from the library. he said he was hoping to run into me, cos he knew i would be on 42nd st around 5. i thought that was sweet. so he grabbed my hand and asked if i minded if we stopped at his dads office so he could check email. i met his dad. when we were walking to westway, we passed baxter. which was kinda weird. but anyway. we ate westway, and we were talking, and i confessed about my UTI bc i really didnt know what to do about it.. i dont have healthcare, and it NEEDS antibiotics. so he suggested we go to this community clinic on 10th Ave. i educated him on the UTI, he didnt know what they were or how they were caused. it caused him great pride. the clinic wasnt taking any more walk-ins, and i had to come back the next day.. so we went to CVS to get otc stuff for the time being, then we went back to his place. he showed me a bunch of stuff, like the pics he took during the blackout, and books, and the designs he was working on. and we made out a little. it was good. but i was like "now i have to go home all sexually frustrated" (cos he had to get back to work on his stuff) and he was like "good, this way i know i'll see you again." but i dont know how to take that. i mean.. i know i have a complex that believes that everything with me is based in sex.. and obviously he is attracted to me and wants to make it (ok maybe it is obvious only to me bc i will not go that far as to divulge what exactly he says to me on here).. but at the same time.. ok, like today, i saw him twice. im so getting ahead of myself. lets go back for a sec. so i left his place at like 8 so he could work on his designs, and i came home. hung out with candace for a while.. then he called me at like 11 and we talked for 3 hours. after we had hung out for three hours only 3 hours before! insane. we joked about the air conditioning, cos he said he always sleeps with it on, and he didnt sat night cos he thought i was cold. so he said fri we would use it, and somehow it ended in me telling him i was boycotting his bed. so he was like "thats it, friday's off. you have to go to brooklyn at 2am and come back to the city at 9" and i was like "nooo!" so he said "no. i want you in my bed friday. and many more times." so that is promising, but is it promising in the sense of that this will grow, or that this will remain nuetral and be another hook up thing? argh. i mean.. he is WAY more attentive and sweet and publicly showing affection than the enigma EVER was.. and derek, too. ok, so derek and i made out at bars, but that hardly shows affection. its not the same as holding hands. ANYWAY. at 215ish we decided we should go to bed. he told me to call him when i was done with my appointment so he knew i was ok. soooo.. i slept ok last night, but only for like 4 hours. got up, went to the clinic. paid $51 for the doctor to tell me what i already knew. got a perscription. it was only 9:20, and i was super psyched cos i thought i'd be there all day. so i called him and i woke him (which is ok bc he was supposed to get up at 9, anyway). i told him about the clinic and stuff, and i said i was dropping off my perscription. we talked for like 15 minutes, then he asked if i wanted to get breakfast.. so we got egg sammiches and ate them in this "park" (in quotes bc it really isnt a park, its benches on the sidewalk of 43rd St). we people watched, and there was this guy wearing ALLL green, sitting with his laptop, billy joel blasting out of it.. he was sideways swaying along to the music, smoking a cigar and singing. he had a skull cap on, and over that he a knit cap. it was bizarre. we laughed and it was fun.. so i left him at like 1030 so he could get to work. came home, talked to ryan for a bit, then i took a nap, which was a weird semi-conscious sleep that did not help my condition AT ALL. i was more tired when i woke up. i showered, went to work. i took my second pill (i only have 6, its a 3 day thing, which is way weird, but ok) and i guess i hadnt eaten enough cos i felt all nauseas. so work sucked cos i didnt feel good and i was tired and it was slow. i was doing my rollups and i called chris to see how his stuff was coming, and he sounded a little better.. he was stressed this morning. he said i should eat to belay the nausea, and he said to call him when i was leaving and perhaps we would get westway. so i did, and we did. i had grilled cheese and cream of broccoli soup. he had a chicken wrap. i fought him for the check, and i paid (woo! finally i paid for something!). we talked and laughed and when we left we kinda snuggled on the street for a while. its really cute cos hes like 6" taller than i am, and when he hugs me, he constantly kisses the top of my head, like nonstop. and i love it. cos you know, i am not used to mansized men.. im used to skinny boys who are barely taller than me.. and with him i feel so little. its like being wrapped up in boy. so finally im like "ok do yr work." and he hailed me a cab.. he opened the door for me, and he closed it for me too! how gentlemanly! and now i am home. *sigh* i talked to mike about the whole thing, well, i mean parts of it, cos its kinda clear that he isnt wanting to be involved and stuff, but i asked him if chris is a good guy, cos i like him, and i dont wanna set myself up for being hurt when i find out that, really, he is a womanizer who just wanted to have me in his bed. so mike tells me that he doesnt think its going to work out in the long run bc we are soo different, and that he thinks i will get bored with chris, and chris will become impatient with me. but that he can see exactly why we like each other, and it could work. and i was like "ok. um i didnt ask you if we have a future together, i was asking if hes a womanizer." so he said, no, that he thinks hes looking for a serious relationship, and that he is a good guy. and i told him that right now, its worth a shot to me, bc i have a lot of fun with him, and i get giddy when he calls, and i love seeing him for meals. and see, thats what throws me. cos im not used to boys liking me AND wanting to hit it.. i think that if he was only interested in sex, then he wouldnt have asked me to get TWO meals with him today. i did not go upstairs with him either time, and the most we kissed was hello and goodbye, and the little top-of-the-head-kisses when we were snuggling on the street. and he *always* holds my hand or puts his arm around me. at the diner, when we finished our meals, he like put his hands out on the table and motioned for me to hold them.. its cute. and i know its way too early to know if things will progress, but at the same time, im afraid that i will let myself open up only to get smashed again. im barely thinking of the enigma since i met chris. which is crazy, bc even while i was hooking up with derek, i still missed him and wanted to see him.. but i havent even messaged him since monday. so i dont know.

oh my. it is now 5:10am and its light out. i must sleep before i die. goodnight!