is it too late to heal?

i havent played guitar in days. i dont know why. i mean, im home a lot. i think its bc im pretty good at "the places you have come to fear the most" and im too lazy to learn something new. ive been talking about learning more dashboard songs, and "sorry about that" by alkaline, but ive been lazy. lazy lazy.

i miss the enigma like crazy. still havent heard from him. it hurts. it makes me feel hopelessly sad, and i dont understand why he wont respond to me. maybe its time to let it go. maybe this lack of communication should allow me time to get over it...

i wonder if i'll hear from derek tomorrow or wednesday. i was thinking no. but he could surprise me, i guess. riight. i think yesterday i reminded myself that justins back and he doesnt need me anymore. i was talking to kim about it tonight, and she was like "shasta's been trying to deal with that for over a year. you know justin and derek are inseperable." but.. i dont know. im not asking derek to ditch justin, i just feel like since he's been back, he doesnt have any time to hang out with me. blah blah blah, it doesnt matter. maybe i should let go of this one before it can go anywhere. cos its only going to go badly. everything always ends badly.

kim was supposed to call me back once in her bedroom and out of the public areas of her home, so as to inform me of some scandal that happened last night.. but she never called back. its been like 2 hours. she said 5 minutes. i dont wanna call her back though cos its like 11:15 and shes living at home again.

thats about it on today. i never got dressed. i got up at 2, came out here, watched tv. candace woke up from her nap at like 430, she went to mcdonalds. we talked. watched the king of queens together, then we watched steel magnolias. i missed the middle part of the movie bc kim called and i was on the phone with her for like 45 minutes. finished watching it, did the crossword. mike signed on, and he didnt talk to me. fucker. im so mad that he has ditched me for this girl. when they break up he's gonna be all over talking to me all the time again, and wanting to hang out. i havent seen him in over a month! and, what, am i supposed to just let him back into my life, even though he has ceased caring about the goings on of it?

im ready for bed already. this sucks. last night twon was all busy trying to get courtney love to go upstairs. she kept reading what he was typing to me, and insisting that he should be screwing me. i told him to tell her that his friend gille gets drunk and sings "teenage whore" at bars. he told me that wasnt helping, bc now she thought i was even cooler and that he should definitely be screwing me, regardless of the fact that he has a woman. i thought it was funny. he probably did too, he was probably only acting like it was annoying. ah, his day-to-day dealings with crazy celebrities at the W.

have i mentioned lately how badly i need vegas? yah.

*ive decided to tonight that im staying alive just kicking and screaming*
cursive

tonight was intense. actually, the whole entire DAY was intense. first of all, i couldnt sleep last night bc i kept getting text messages from kimberly. then bart. it was annoying. i went to bed early, which always results in me waking up sporatically bc my body is like "no, gille, not time!" got up early at 1040 and still left late for work. i was moving very slowly. got to work. i made realllllly good money, it was super busy and i was turning my tables really quick. i didnt have practically any campers, and by the time i did, we were closing anyway. i sold $1,786 and i made $218. not bad. i was sooo slammed for a while, it was crazy. but it all worked out, no shitty tips at all. easy people. i was very friendy. but ok so i moved upstairs at 5 and i got slammed with 7 tables, one of which was a party of 8 and another was a party of 6. all at once! it was really hot, tempers were flaring. we were all angry by 11, and i ended up in a screaming match with the new kitchen manager. fuck him. im too lazy to type out the details but there was cursing involved. i was being such an aries. so derek hears about it and comes upstairs bc he needs to know the details immediately, and im like "but its ok, bc we have some drinks in our future" and he was like "im beat, i dont think i can go" so i was pissed bc we had plans since fucking friday. and i know he was just going to be justins bitch, so whatever. i was like "my biggest pet peeve is people flaking on me, and yr fucking flaking on me" and he said "are you MAD at me?" and i was like "no whatever" and he said we'd discuss this later. i was like discuss what, whatever. so yah. i did my sidework i smoked a cigarette and as i was coming in, derek grabbed my arm and he was like "im really sorry, im really tired" and he put his arm around me and like massaged my back and i wanted not to be mad at him but i was. and he was like "gille, i wouldnt be any fun anyway" and i just got in the elevator. i changed, took care of all that crap, and i was leaving and i was still mad about javier (the kitchen guy) and about derek and i passed by derek to say bye and he was like "how about we'll get one drink?" and i said "no, you dont want to" and he said "one drink, not many." so i waited for him. i talked to gregg about the javier incident, and he assured me that i didnt have to worry about it, bc javier was yelling at me and i was yelling back. and my points were valid. for example, he was mad that jesse was washing round trays in the produce sink, but other kitchen managers and had instructed us to use that sink bc the dishwasher sink is always full... and now he doesnt want us using that sink. so TELL US. we arent fucking psychic. so whatever, i leave with derek and he asks if im hungry and i said i didnt care, so he said we should go to westway. we did. he had a bowl of lobster bisque (sooo derek) and we each had a corona. and we were talking about the drama and all that crap, and it just started really getting to me, and i got all sad and weird and i was still mad at him, too, and i said i wasnt going home, that i was going for a walk. and he got all worried, and he was like "i dont wanna send you home like this, but its justins first night at the apartment so i dont wanna bring you there, and hes waiting for me in a bar in brooklyn bc he doesnt have keys" and i was like right all along.. he has to go home for justin. so he made me promise id call him when i got home and he got in a cab on 9th avenue. i walked over to 44th and 8th. got in a cab. came home. called him. he said if i needed to talk about anything in the middle of the night bc i cant sleep or anything that i should call him. i said "thank you. i wont, but thank you" and he was like "well, you should." so i dont know. i mean theres obviously a lot of shit just making me feel so miserable lately and ive been intense and hard to get along with and super fiery these past few days but i mean this is a really scary time for me, and i feel kind of alone. kim is gone (only to LI but still, a lot of our time was at chevys, and that is gone now). i barely even talk to mike anymore bc he has a girlfriend again (as if i didnt know that would happen).. and its just sad and scary and i mean, a lot of it tonight is that i was really looking forward to going out with him and he totally bailed for justin. just the fact that justin was waiting on the keys made it obvious that he forgot we had plans or intended to ditch them, regardless of whether he was tired. so why would i call him to talk about it? to be like "you know, i was looking forward to hanging out with you tonight and you bailed and it upset me"? riiiight. so anyway. we were hanging up and i was like "well if you have nothing better to do one night give me a call and we'll get drinks" and he said he would, and that we should try to get together one day. blah. also at the diner he mentioned that i should come by and see this production or something, some actors and writers rented a spot and hes acting in a it and he write some of it, and it is next monday, so i should come by since im off on mondays. he said there was drinking involved. i told him to remind me. so whatever, i could or could not hear from him this week. maybe ill just see him thursday at work. and maybe he'll just go gome instead of working again, and we'll never go out again and ill be upset and ill feel used and ill be sad. hey wait. im already sad. and now i havent even gotten any. grrrr.

*sing along im on the ugly organ*
cursive

that line is repeating over and over in my head. im kinda drunk. kinda high. all sorts of fucked up and i have to be at work in like 5 hours. ha. so. 4 hours sleep. nothing new. i can do bar 4 on 4 hours sleep. hells yes.

tonight was crap. first of all, kim changed our meeting time like 14 times. got TRASHED before i even met up with her. went to chevys at 11, sat in dereks section. i figured if i said we were going to smiths he would have to come out, bc he loves their bloody marys, he is obsessed with them. i was right. so whatever, we go to smiths, and its me, kim, lee, bart, his friend dominique, jesse-o and former line cook jesse. sooooo.. the whole time im practically sober, babysitting kimberly. derek and his roommate finally show up at like 3 am. they have one drink. everyone goes to westway except for me and derek and david (roommate). we're leaving and we find kims wallet. so. we smoke a cigarette, call kim. derek asks if my pants are new, and im like no.. and hes like "they look really good on you" and im thinking "these are the fucking pants i wore to VEGAS. werent you there?!" but im like "yah i just havent worn them in a while." and he GOES HOME. fucker. he said we would have drinks after work sunday. but thats like 48 hours away and i wanna hook up now. i finally find kim and she is IRATE. it appears that former line cook jesse and her were makin out and they started to hook up in the bathroom and after like one minute he stops and says he will call her tomorrow. so she was pissed cos she was like "i put myself out there and im not even FULFILLED!!" she she was yelling at me on the corner of 44th and 8th for like 10 minutes and i promised her i would call him "one minute in the bathroom" all day tomorrow. so i will. i mean, if he didnt think she would tell me immediately... whatever to him. but yah. so. niehter of us left fulfilled. i offered her to stay her and go to the kew at 830 when i leave but she said she would take the subway. shes supposed to call me when she gets home.

i need to go to bed. alone. fuckers. all of them, fuckers. i dont want to wait for sunday. grrr. he better fucking go sunday night, and i better fucking have that sunday night shift so as i can BE THERE to go with him. grrrrrr.

annette: "im impressed."
sebastian: "well im in love."
cruel intentions

ok so now im watching cruel intentions. i havent cried yet. but im waiting to sob at the end. as i always do. right now im at the scene where sebastian has just told annette that she was just a conquest. that scene breaks my heart.

you know. i usually go on this tirade about how i dont go to the movies because it costs too much for a passive activity. but you know what, i think i really dont go because i *always* cry and its embarrassing to cry in public.

ok. i have to pay attention now. its the climax, when kathryn is telling sebastion "i dont fuck losers." so its going to all unravel right now, "goodbye sebastian."

must go. prepare for tears.

"there isnt another soul on this fucking planet that has ever made me half the man i am when im with you."
"even if, you know.. even if we never talk again after tonight, please know that i am forever changed because of who you are and what you've meant to me"
"if this is a crush, i dont think i could take it if the real thing ever happened"
chasing amy

the first quote, well, i wish some guy would say that to me. ok, ryan sent it to me as an audio file back in high school when he was in love with me, but it wasnt the same effect i wanted. because i wasnt in love with him.

so tonight sucked i made $35, it was WAY WEAK. derek went home. before he left we smoked a cigarette, and i said id quit smoking if he did. we said we'd quit after this pack. but i cheated and i got another pack tonight. anyway. he was leaving and he said that he was probably going out with justin and shasta and teri for some drinks tonight, and that i should call him when i got out to meet up with them all. that cheered me up bc it was like he was making an effort (although i overlook the fact that the first three times we hung out alone, including the first time where nothing happened and i went home and hung out with mike, were times when he asked me to go out with him after work). i got out at like 9:45, and i thought that was too early, so i went over to the studio with bart. i called derek from there, and it went to his voicemail, which instructed me to leave a message and one of his associates would get back to me. that kid has the most ridiculous messages. but anyway. i left a message and he called me back like 5 minutes later, and said that he and justin were over at mike's and that they were going to have a few beers there and then shoot home. so i was bummed. went to the collins bar with bart for a drink, then came home. i am now watching chasing amy and being mopey because i have a nice clean fresh gorgeous bed and no one to share it with tonight. when he called me back, he said that kim and i should stop by chevy's tomorrow night to meet up with him, hes closing downstairs but he said he would see what time he got out and maybe meet up with us. but that does me no good bc i fucking have to open chevys saturday morning. which means i have to leave my apartment at 9:30am. i dont think i want to go out to park slope. the subway is like 15 blocks from his apartment, and the ride would be like 40 minutes.. i would have to leave his place at like 8:15. but if he came here, then he would have to get up ridiculously early and then be tired all day. unless i told him to stay as long as he liked and just bring my keys to work when he comes. who knows. im thinking ahead, which is silly bc you know. hes probably not going to come out. so no cuddles for me. EVER. grr.

i sent the enigma TWO text messages today. one at like 130, just like "hey gorgeous! hope yr day is beautiful. hugs." no response. then later, at like 1030 pm, i was outside on the studio roof, smoking a cig, and i wrote "hey im on a roof overlooking the city and thinking of you. miss ya." no response. maybe hes mad at me. maybe he didnt like my away message. maybe its bc i said "goodbye" to him the other day. maybe he hates me. ugh. why do i even care? im over it, remember? ok maybe not 100%, but damn i am doing so well. maybe he'll text me tomorrow to do something. my horoscope says i should plan a romantic evening. whatever. that is not going to happppppen.

well. im lonely. and i want that boy in my bed. but no. so i am going to uh, finish watching chasing amy.. and maybe just go to bed. cos why be awake for nothing?

oh my god, "stay" just came on and i want to cry. when alyssa yells "FUUUUCK" its so intense. *and i dont need to be yr only one, i dont need yr confidence, i just need you with me. stay, stay, stay with me. stay, stay, stay with me. stay, and dont you ever run away from me, stay, stay with me* jesus that part makes me so sad. goodbye.

http://www.csucauldron.com/news/2002/12/09/ArtsMusic/Bright.Eyes.Singer.Found.Dead.No.One.Surprised-339978.shtml

i read that, and i thought conor oberst was really dead. and i was sooo confused as to why i hadnt heard about his death. or that of the singer of the strokes. and then i thought about it, and he was in jane like last month, conor oberst was. and i saw an interview with drew barrymore last month that talked about her julian. and then i realized it was a joke. and that i am stupid.

*sweet baby dont cry.. yr tears are only alibis to prove you still feel, you only feel sorry for yrself*
cursive

i cleaned my room! i came home from work and i cleaned. tonight was not too bad. i worked from 5-1130 or so. went to westway with lee. had the usual, plus cream of brocolli soup. we talked about derek and about chevys and about crap. we left to start walking to the bridge and it started raining. lee insisted it wasnt bad, then it started to pour. so i set my mind to enjoying the rain. and i did! we walked the usual 9th and 43rd to 58th and 2nd. at first i tried to fight the pouring rain with my hood, and then i gave up. we started jumping in puddles since we were soaked head to toe anyway. i was singing "wet! wet! wet!" then we would go under an overhang or scaffolding and i would sing "dry! dry! dry!" it was fun. lee was all mourning that im leaving soon at work tonight (he has decided to prepare for it) and so i was singing "i cant liiiiiiiiive if livin is with you.. i cant li-i-i-i-i-ve, i cant live anymore!!" at the top of my lungs. so then at the bridge i took a cab, and my cab driver was all talking politics with me, and he was like "i never met an american as open minded as you" and he tried to get me to give him my number so we could talk and that freaked me out so i totally told him i didnt have a phone. he was like 60 years old. and i dont wanna be friends with my cab driver. he asked where i work and i lied. i came upstairs, peeled off my soaking wet clothes. they are still dripping. i figure ill take care of them at the laundromat tomorrow. i might even wash my backpack, it got soaked. im reading the love machine , by the same woman who wrote valley of the dolls, right now, and it got wet, which i am bummed about. i have it pressed between some stuff right now so the paper doesnt totally get warped. my sneakers are also drenched, it'll be days before they are wearable. so yah i came home, and i cleaned my room. i have sooo much laundry cos im just assuming everything is dirty. i hung what was still folded from the last few trips to the laundromat, and put away socks that were still folded. my basker is overflowing, and i still have to find a way to bring my work clothes, my sheets and pillow cases, four more towels, and the wet jeans and sweatshirt and sweater. i hope i can get all my laundry done. its going to be expensive. i wish i had picked a day that i was off work, but if i get up at noon tomorrow then i can get there by 1230, have clothes in the dryer by like 115.. i want to go to the dollar store and buy some hangers. a bunch of my clothes are non dryer friendly bc its warmer out now and im wearing tank tops.. so im hoping to save at least one dryer for the air dry clothes.. i hope its not crowded. or that there isnt some lady doing all her familys laundry and taking up all the dryers with like 7 items in each one. grrrr.. that would be heartbreaking bc i neeeeed to do my laundry tomorrow. i mean i could do it friday bc i am off, but i dont wanna. i wanna be a waste of life on friday. sleep late. mmmmm. no laundry. i want my bed to be clean and fresh for me tomorrow night. perhaps i will have a gentleman caller. im doubting that, i figure he will have plans with justin or something. but a girl can dream. lee said he hung out with derek today bc they were moving justin and shasta into their new places. shasta moved in with lee, and justin moved in with derek. he said that derek was going to try to switch to a better station or just not work tomorrow night. if he doesnt work, then my chances for this week are totally gone. im not working friday night or saturday night. i picked up a sunday night shift, and i think he is working also, but i mean sunday is like forever away. that would suuuuuuck.

so thats that. im probably going to wake up late tomorrow. then ill go to work and be mad bc my backpack will still be all wet, and so will the contents of it, and then derek wont be there or something, and i will be sad. and come home alone, unfulfilled. grr. i need a man so i dont have to haphazardly fall into intimacy.

*can i come your way*
st azimuth

blah. BLAH. its 3pm. this is boring. i just got up. i hate getting up. i was dreaming about derek. in the dream we were working, and we left. we were walking through NYC (but of course it looked like the strip in vegas) and all the sudden he was gone. and i kept trying to call him but his phone was going straight to voice mail, talking about being on the boat. which was weird. so i was alone and it was dark, and i finally found him at this restaurant. and we left, and we got into a cab, and then we got out of the cab to get on the subway (wierd!). and he was being all sweet and tender and i was happy and then i woke up. wide awake. all i wanted to do was go back to sleep and be happy again. but no. the reality is that i had to get up and make myself look alright and soon i will have to go to work. this is not cool. i know what its going to look like when i get there: 10 former ESPN zone employees and me. and i will be bored. i will feel like the new girl in a place ive worked for three years. i will socialize with busboys in half spanish and half english. i will wish things were different, that a good manager was on, or that i had some people to flirt with. i will wish derek was there to come into the side station and rub my back. i will wish bart was there so i could lean on him and get a bunch of good bart hugs. i will come home and get wrecked. i will sit here and talk to twon. i will wish i had a different life, or at least some boy to cuddle with all night. and i will go to bed alone.

i talked to the enigma last night. he seemed cold. he isnt coming to my graduation party because they will be in massachusetts. he said he wished he could celebrate with me. i bet he was saying that bc he felt like he had to. he was being short on AIM so i said i would leave him be. i asked him if he was playing friday, and if not he should call me if he wants. he didnt respond. he was like "have a good night" so i said "goodbye." i meant it. goodbye, goodbye. i cant anymore. i cant handle this or you or the games. perhaps he was upset with my away message, and "i can hardly get myself out of his bed." well you fucking missed yr chance. a chance that you never even wanted anyway. and when you tell me you were thinking of me, it only means you were lonely and you wished you could fuck me. because thats all it means to you anyway.

will i ever be ok?

I AM 34% HIPPIE! I need to step away from the tie-dye. I smell too good to be a hippie and my dad is probably a cop. Being a hippie is not a fashion craze, man. It was a way of life, in the 60’s, man. Take the HIPPIE test at Fuali.com

well. i wasnt TRYING to be a hippie. i was just taking the test. its all accusing me of being trendy. ugh. i think i am the least hippie person i know.

I AM 57% ASSHOLE/BITCH! I am abrasive, some people really hate me, but there may be a group of other tight knit assholes and bitches that I can hang out with and get me. Everybody else? Fuck ‘em. Take the ASSHOLE/BITCH test at Fuali.com

heyyy. i think i am wayyyyy bitchier than 57%!! those bastards.

I AM 53% EVIL GENIUS! Evil courses through my blood. Lies and deceit motivate my evil deeds. Crushing the weaklings and idiots that do nothing but interfere in my doings. Take the EVIL GENIUS test at Fuali.com

you know. i am not an evil genius. i might be mean, but im not evil.

I AM 33% TORTURED ARTIST! I have some artistic ability, but it is probably a hobby and doesn't drive my life into a dark abysmal hole were I am alone and against the world. Take the TORTURED ARTIST test at Fuali.com

im not sure i understand that explanation.

I AM 60% GRUNGE! I am pretty dirty, all right and, I reek of teen spirit... I would sell my own children for a moldy hotpocket, man. Take the GRUNGE test at Fuali.com

dude i was WAY GRUNGE in junior high. i loved eddie vedder. who has the same bday as derek. oooh the capricorns.

I AM 46% INTERNET ADDICT! I could go either way. Deep into the madness of nights filled with coding CGI-Scripts and online role playing games, or I could become a normal user. Good luck! Take the INTERNET ADDICT test at Fuali.com

disappointed with these results. you know, seeing as i am online for like 8 hours a day, at least.

I AM 57% PUNK ROCK! The intelligent punk. Tuff and Smart. I may be able to maintain a train of thought long enough... What the fuck was I talking about? Take the PUNK ROCK test at Fuali.com

so i was taking that test and the questions was "ever been kicked out of a bar?" and i went to click no but then i remembered that me and kim and derek got thrown out of sway that night when he was making out with both of us. and i was more proud of myself than i have been in a while. ive been kicked out of a bar! woo!

now. wasnt that fun?

I AM 62% EMO! Well.. I've made the cut! Now I'll go buy some promise rings and knit myself a sweater. Take the EMO test at Fuali.com

less emo than i thought i was! ehehe. but it was mostly a measure of how trendy emo people are, cos i NEED my glasses. they arent cosmetic.

conan just mentioned vegas. see, its my fucking destiny.

*shouldve known better, than to fall in love with you.. now love is just a faded memory. shouldve known better, now im addicted to this pain.. and my heart still aches for you*
richard marx

that song was on at the diner last week. jesse goes "richard marx? not KARL marx?" and i go "yes. fucking KARL marx was a communist. RICHARD is the singer." i do not know if the lyrics i have typed are at all correct. i have no access to listening to it (like i would OWN a richard marx cd!) and i am way too impatient for searching the internet on my WAY OLD SKOOL dial up connection.

next time i go to vegas, i am so taking a taxi from across the street to another casino across the street. that is so rockstar. i cant wait. carson is in vegas. i wanna be in vegas. with derek. mmm.

so.. the date, not so good. i could tell he liked me, but he just wasnt my type. there were no sparks on my end. i felt like he was doting on me, and i was like.. please stop. i am human. and i would say something, and hed be like "wow. i never thought of it that way." like i was the key to the universe. so now i have to like, make this not heart-breaking. because i would love to be friends with him, he just isnt what i am looking for, and im just not willing to stop sleeping with the other boys for him. thats really what it comes down to. i am willing to stop sleeping with derek to be with the enigma, and i am also willing to do the reverse for derek. however, i kind of LIKE hooking up with both the enigma and derek, and i am not physically enthralled enough by this jay character to give it up. am i mean?

speaking of the enigma, i heard from him today. he sent me a text message at like 1030 or 11, and i read it, and ignored it. bc i was playing hard to get. i finally messaged him back at like 2 and i was short with him, and he was short back, so i told him i had a date tonight. he responded that he was going to try to hang out with me earlier, and that he thought about me a bunch over the weekend. i was like, 'great.. way to try and reel me back in cos you perhaps sense you are losing me.' (to myself, of course). anyway so he said he wanted to cuddle so bad this morning, that he was going to call me but didnt. blah blah. i bet he was lying. then i was like "i wish you were closer" (cos he partially succeeded in reeling me back in) and he was like "i wish i was closer, too. i wish i was behing you, spooning. i miss your skin." and i hated him at that moment. i thought about how much i miss rubbing his belly, and how much i miss his smell invading my room.. and my shirts and my everything. to breathe in that scent again...... but then i said i wished he wasnt going away all summer bc i wanna go back to vegas and i want him to come with me. however, he replied that he thinks he'll be in vegas in august, and how thats awesome bc it will be hot and the girls will be hating clothes. and that i should come. i was like "um, yah. you know how i likes me my girls." so back to square one. its useless to have feelings for him anymore. oh wait. its useless to have feelings AT ALL. ok?

click it or ticket.

and of course im still thinking about derek. two more days till i see him. thursday night... and we shall see what happens with that. i figure one time we will go out and get drunk enough that ill ask him if we're only doing this bc we are drunk or because we enjoy each other. im not ready to stop sleeping with him. i would be angry if he stopped going out with me after work and coming home with me. i realllllly wanna have him here and turn on the ugly organ and just totally get it on to that cd. i do not know why. its so sexy. and listening to it reminds me of derek, although im pretty sure he wouldnt like them. he doesnt like alkaline trio bc an ex girlfriend of his dated one of the members. he is from chicago. he is from the same suburb of chicago as them. or something. they are from aurora. his mailing address is in naperville, illinois. so maybe the towns are next to each other? he also knows mike patton from back in the day. which is weird, cos like if his friends were hanging out with patton, then it had to be post-fnm, since derek was only like 17 when they broke up. maybe he is lying to me. he has consistently told that story though, which is funny bc he remembers everything i say, but tells me the same stories over and over. ok twice. but still.

blaaaah. so that is that. i wish everything was different. i wish derek called me. i mean, i dont call him either. i totally thought about calling him tonight. i thought i could be like "hey im drinking in union square, just wanted to see what you were up to" but no. what i really want is for there to be a day where neither of us has to get up real early. for example, the day of the threesome, kim and i left his place at like 730 am. i do not know why. im pretty sure we were back at his place by like midnight, though, cos we started drinking at like 7pm. anyway. um, yah kim had to go, she couldnt sleep or something. then the first time we were alone, i had to get up at 1045 to go to therapy, and he had to leave. the second time he had to get up at 10 to go home and get ready for a meeting (i think he had to read a script, since he is an actor. which freaks me out, i have never been with an actor before. but he does theater. and he writes plays. i googled his name and read reviews of plays he had been in. anyway.). then last time i had to get up at his place at 8:45am. so yah, it would be nice for us to be able to lay there and cuddle late and maybe fool around in the morning. see, if i didnt think about these things, then perhaps i wouldnt really have to worry about catching feelings. im pretty sure i MAKE them come by thinking about next time all the time.

i wish i was playing roulette right now. must gamble soon. i have bills to pay, but fuck it. i wanna GAMBLE. i picked up an extra shift this week, sunday night upstairs in 2. i need to make some serious money. firstly bc i have to support this new alcoholic thing i have going on, and secondly to gamble. ill even go to atlantic city if i have to.

im tired. im totally going to bed in an hour. no one is online which is boo.

i cant believe i got drunk on a monday night. i was eating pizza with jay and he said "man. we're drunk on a monday night" and i was like "fuck, its MONDAY?"

jesus. leno is ALSO in vegas. the repeat, at least. i cannot escape. i MUST GO BACK. i dont even CARE who goes with me. jay said he would go. that might be weird, but if we are just being friends and he is cool about it, we could SO go. i NEEEEED it. like a drug. i need las vegas like a junkie needs heroin. i am going to save and put aside money all the time so as i can go back all the time. i have a new requirement in my future mate: he must love vegas as much as i do, so as to want to go there for sporadic weekend getaways as often as possible.

fuckin, i cant find my facial cleansing clothes. all i wanna do is take off the make up i wore tonight in anticipation of a wonderfully gorgeous boy. its only eyeliner, but its black and i would really rather it not be all over my pillows in the morning. i think i took them to LI. that means they could a) still be on LI, or b) be lost forever in the destruction that is my bedroom. i am sooooo messy. not dirty, but i havent put things away in sooo long. i think the last time i really cleaned my room was like november. ugh. maybe i will do it soon. i should, bc soon it will be too warm to do it, and then i will have to live in the utter chaos for another 2 months. and packing will be difficult. ugh. maybe ill do it friday.

im tired.

oh and so i was listening to "the recluse" on repeat forfuckingever today, and ive determined that ok, he says "ugly answers," but that it really sounds like "lugly answers." which is why i was confused. but i listened to it with the volume up, which i wasnt doing before since i was listening to it at home in my headphones, which doesnt require it to be loud. on the E train it must be at like 6 to hear it at all, but at home it can be very low. so yah. just wanted you to know. xoxo gille.

*our father who art in heaven, save me from the wreck im about to drown in*
cursive

i am way hot. i think its like 75 out. the fan is in my room. i am not getting it. i will get it later. also, i am sharing my home with a moth. a moth that candace was supposed to kill before she went to bed. she is on moth duty. i mean, i have to clean up the roaches. she can kill the moths.

sooooo i have a date tomorrow. its um, a blind date, with this kid jay i met on myspace. wierd! hes 28. hes pretty cute in his pics, but.. you know. im always disappointed by the boys i meet online.. not that ive done that recently (well, twon, but hes practically engaged, saving to buy a ring, and we didnt meet for a love connection or have that in mind).. anyway so yah. we've been talking on myspace for like 3 months maybe, its been a while. since like march.. and we were talking about the zoo and this historic place on staten island, and then i jokingly said we should go to the zoo the day we go to the richmond village, and now we're meeting at a bar tomorrow for a drink and to chat. he called me tonight. we had good conversation, i wasnt bored nor were there weird silences, but he is also quite chatty, so it was easy. i think it will be fun. i cant decide what to wear though. he has expressed that he thinks im cute a few times, like how he loves my glasses picture and he showed my profile to his friends and they think im cute too, so i guess its a date. his thing says "dating, serious relationship" so. yah. i dont know what to wear. i was thinking my jean skirt but its kinda short and i dont wanna be a) looking like im trying hard or b) having my thighs exploding on my chair. i was then thinking i would wear the dickies i have cut to mid calf length shorts, but those are boyish and i might look too dressed down. so then i was thinkimg maybe i would just wear my white skirt, but. yah. all i know is its supposed to be hot and i need to dress accordingly. ill decide in the morning. he talks like *such* a new yawker. hes from staten island. i was letting candace listen to his voice when he called, and we were silently giggling.

meeeeep. also im conflicted about tuesday. i am worried that derek will call me to go to coney island that day. i mean, im pretty sure he wont call me anyway, but if he does, i will have to not go, bc i have already told miss candace that i would celebrate her graduation with her and her folks.. so.. but i will *want* to see derek. and besides, like.. she ditched me that time! the night i went to get my first tattoo, that i planned around her schedule so she could come, and then bill called and she stood me up to hang out with him.. i mean, graduation is way huger (is that even a WORD?) than a tattoo, but come now. why should i pass up getting some when she didnt? grr. well its silly to even think about seeing as im definitely not going to get that call. fucking derek. he doesnt like me. its all my fault. i dont know what to do. i wanna invite him out, i want to go out with kim this week to celebrate her graduation, and i want it to be thursday but i want him to know in advance. and i wanna feel like he wants to hang out with me again, like the first time we hung out alone, how he asked me the day before if id get drinks with him after work the next night, and when he gave up his shift, he went to the movies next door and saw a flick while i worked, then went to starbucks to wait for me bc i wasnt done yet when the movie was over.. or like the second time, when i got to work and he said i should close for antonio so we could get drinks. ok im being silly bc its only been three times, and i was the one who initiated time three.. so it stands out in my mind the most since it was most recent. uuuuugh. im sick of not knowing anything or where i stand or what exactly i mean to people.

who was i talking to today that i was telling i just wanted to meet someone who was amazed by me, and wanted to see me and liked me and cared and was like "wow, i wanna spend a lot of time with this girl." it was jason, the newish bartender. he came to work there and immediately fell in love with sean, its like this big "love at first sight" thing, its kinda cute. anyway, he was saying that who's to say that i dont amaze the ones im seeing, that its probably that they just dont know what they want bc i insist on dating boys who are still being transient. cos i mean, derek is younger than me. by eight months, but still. he is 23, and a writer/comedian and not exactly the settling down type. i think i have this dream of meeting one of those boys, one of those musicians/writers/drifters and making him *want* to settle down. with me. purely because of the magnetism that will radiate between us.. and i feel like something is wrong with me when this doesnt happen, when i dont make some transient boy want to grow roots and grow old with me. which is silly, really, bc didnt i eliminate derek from the marriagable pool of boys like last week? bc he has alcoholism in his family (severely) and had two sisters that died in infancy? yah. i did. but nooooo that fact doesnt really eliminate him. i sit here and i think that i could just pick up and move out of the states with him when he goes in a few months or a year. we could just become this dynamo and fall in love and wanna be together escaping the crap that is this country. bc thats what we both think. i havent met anyone that i clicked with politically as well as i click with derek since steve.. and that was two years ago. and before that, there was NO ONE. no one ive ever dated was as critical of capitalism and government and all that as i am. and he *is* and thats sexxxxxy. oh god is it sexy. i love love LOVE that we can sit at a bar table and drink our beer and talk about the ridiculous state of affairs that is america. i love that we can pull apart the war and conservatives and see eye to eye, and understand each other. and you know what else? i love love LOVE that he remembers fucking everything i tell him. and not only does he remember, he fuckin asks me about the things i say im going to do when next he sees me. like when i saw him thursday he asked about how LI was for my brothers bday. like a week after i told him. and he asked me if i was psyched for graduation, cos he knew i was graduating friday. and when i repeat myself hes like "oh yah, you were telling me ..." and goes on to repeat what i'd said before. sometimes i feel like hes asking me what im doing tonight or on my days off so as he will have something to ask me when i see him. and you know what, i suck. like i totally could have asked him this afternoon how that play was last night, but i didnt. i forgot. aaaargh. i will never be adequate, i will forever be INadequate, and i will forever hate my life. ok, this is probably untrue. but i am starting to sweat and thats gross. so i think ill retire into my room. its not as hot when the fan is on. days like today i think if life didnt suck and i wasnt BROKE i could get an air conditioner.. oh wait, no i couldnt bc the fucking fire escape is in my bedroom window. UGH. motherfuckers WANT me to be the hottest pile of sweat in town. grrrr...

sweet dreams.

*ive never seen scars like yrs*
alkaline trio

meeeeeep. i just got home from work not too long ago. it was boring. only three servers upstairs though, so we were busy and i made a decent amount. no 20% but still, i walked with like 12% so.. it was bobs last day, which was sad. he came over and said what i wrote in his card was touching and that he never knew he'd impacted so many people.. but i almost cried, and he told me that when they gave him the cake last night he totally cried, he had to go outside. i thought that was adorable. you would have to know bob. hes like 5'2" and hes like 50 years old. he used to be a jazz musician, and hes been married like 5 times. he came to us from reno, and i said in the card that next time im in vegas, i would shoot over to reno and say hi. so today he was like "just call me at the reno hilton chevy's, and i'll drive up to vegas. we'll get a drink at one of the hotel bars." aww. i going to miss him like crazy, i mean, he was like sunshine at chevys, always upbeat and relaxed and dancing. plus joey quit.... oh its going to be tragic. just gregg and jimmy and karen, the corporate whores they are.

so. im outside smoking a cigarette with bob at 4:35, and janet (this new server) comes out and shes like "i came early." so i was like "go buy some candy hehe" and she laughs and she goes "do you know where derek is?" and i got so jealous. i was so mad. but i controlled it, and i think i glared but i hope she didnt notice.. anyway, yah, so i was like "i think he went to starbucks." and i went back in, i clocked out and i was finishing up changing when derek comes into the storage room and hes like "have you seen janet?" and i was like seething. and i was like "no." all curt like. and so hes like "she has my clothes." and then i was a little more relaxed cos i noticed she had his backpack when i thought about it, and so i asked him if he wanted me to go check the bathroom, and he asked if i could, so i said yah. she was in there, and im like "do you have dereks bag?" and she gave it to me.. so. yah. i gave it back to him, and i thought perhaps they just got there at the same time and ate together, and that she said she would watch his bag while he got his coffee.. but im still thinking about it, so im like maybe they came to work together.. but he was off last night. she might have been also. maybe they went to that play together. ugh. i would want to cry. that would be awful and embarassing and i think i would never want to talk to him again.

anyway. watching superstar usa with candace and her parents. so im out.

on my horizon for today, march 23, 2004..

There is great advantage to taking the unconventional route today in just about everything you do, gille. Be brave and outrageous. Doing the same thing over and over again will only dig you deeper into the trench you are in. It is time for you to break out into a new routine. Revolutionary events are on the horizon. Be on the lookout for new opportunities that offer a different way of approaching life.

*and i can hardly get myself out of his bed for fear of never lying in this bed again. oh christ, im not that desperate.. oh no, oh god, i am.
how'd i end up here to begin with? i dont know. why do i start what i cant finish? oh please, dont barrage me with the questions to all those ugly answers. my ego's like my stomach-it keeps shitting what i feed it. but maybe i dont want to finish anything anymore.. maybe i can wait in bed til he comes home. and whispers, "you're in my web now.. ive come to wrap you up tight til its time to bite down."*
cursive.

the problem with the fact that 99% of the music i listen to is written and sung by men becomes a little rough when i wanna use lyrics, but cant without modifying them. i mean, i guess i could just go with it and you'd get the picture, but.. you know. i must change pronouns. anyway. also, the lyrics say "ugly answers" but i swear he SAYS "lovely answers" so hmmmm..

i have a few things to say.. im not in the mood to sit here and type forever, though i think thats what will happen. lets see.. i have not written anything since wednesday.

alright so thursday. thursday was ok. i got up and candaces parents were here, we chatted, it was swell. they are good people. then i went to work. work kind of sucked. i kept asking derek to get a drink with me after, but he kept saying that he needed to "lay low" because he apparently lost $500 more in atlantic city sunday. but i convinced him that i would buy him a beer, and that it would be ok. so i helped him wash the tables at the end of the night, and we went over to this bar on 10th ave and like 39th st or something, it was like a tavern, in a wooden houselike place. there were weirdos there. but it was cool. we had a corona and a shot of jager each (which is customary) and it only cost me $16. woo. um, so then he bought a round of coronas, and we went over and played billiards. i did really good, i havent played pool in like 4 years, but i used to be good, and my skillz (yes, skillz with a z) are still in tact. however, derek is way better than me, making shots behind his back and shit, so he won. i finished my beer, and i said i was going to get another, and he said he was hurting, so i only got one for me. we kissed a bit, and we finished our beers (he was only halfway through his second when i got my third) and he said he had to go home. so i was kinda tipsy since i hadnt eaten all day and i was like "where are we going" just cos i really didnt know where i was going, and he was like "well, i need my bed. so im going home." and so i asked if he wanted me to go with him, or if i should go to my home, and he said "you wanna come with?" and i said if he wanted me to i would. so he asked if i would split a cab, and we did. we got in a cab on the 9th ave side of port authority, and i cuddled up to him and he told me i was really soft and that my hair felt really good, and it made me happy bc he was totally sober and being soo cute and.. i dont know. cos like, kim told me last week that he was saying he didnt know how to hook up sober anymore, and he was sober. but yah so like, it was nice we were just really snuggly, we werent making out like we usually do in the cabs. but anyway. we got to his place and went up to his apartment, and i went to the bathroom and when i came out, he was all cuddling his kitty which melted my heart. she is a huge fat cat and her name is p'scuse me jones. thats a whole nother story, but yah. thats her name. so he was laying on the floor and cuddling her and putting his head on her belly and then he was like "wanna go to bed?" and i was like "yah." so we went to his room and he asked me if i wanted pajamas or anything. so i was like.. um? cos.. pajamas? for what? then i was a little confused bc there was a lack of making out in the taxi, and then he offered me pajamas. but then we got under the covers and in literally zero seconds it was on. so i was happy. i couldnt sleep that night, i kept watching him and thinking about the mess i was laying in. lying in? i dont know. and how i really like him. and looking at that tattoo on his chest thats kinda covered by his chest patch, or how hot he looks in jeans and white tshirt.. and. ugh. we were at the bank and he was making a deposit and i could see the bottoms of the letters on his left arm (the letters that he wont say what they mean, he says "i never tell") and.. i dont know. what have i gotten myself into? i can never finish what ive started. hence the lyrical choice above. yah. so i think i slept like two hours total, and then candace called me at 8:21 cos i had to graduate and shit, and i was like "im up" and i totally went back to sleep for 20 minutes. got up. derek told me how to get to the subway, he gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek (ugh, it means nothing to him, i swear) and i was on my way. it took me 38 minutes to get home, and i had to take a 4 minute shower. candaces mom ironed my skirt for me and i got ready. my parents were wayyyy late bc they got caught in traffic on greenpoint ave. so we got to graduation late but it was ok cos it didnt start till 130 and we got there at like 1215. i hung out with this girl teresa for a while, then finally steve got there, looking hottttttt with new sideburns. he gave me an awesome hug and i was like "awww i missed you!" and he was like "its good to see you" and we hung out for a while, we talked and caught up a little and it was nice. then he mentioned beatrice and i was like boooo in my head cos hes soooo hot and smart and sexy and you know. sigh. he was telling me i should move to "dirty jerz" and i wanted to be like "only if youll marry me" but no. the ceremony was WAY LAME and WAY GHETTO. i shall skip discussing it. i did wear my ribbon from undergrad, for adam, seeing as it was the 2 year mark of our loss.. it was sad. but so afterward i introduced steve to my mom, so as she could see how hot he was and she was like "you win, hes pretty good looking" YAY. so we went back to the city and went to alfredo, which is the same restaurant we went to when i graduated from undergrad. i had these yummy spice apple martinis, they were made with like apple juice instead of pucker and had cinnamon sprinkled on them. mmmm.. yah. so we came back here, and my parents hung out for a little, and we talked with candaces parents, it was very cute. my parents left at like 8. i then hung out for a little, watched half of in america with the holloways and then at 10 i went out. i went to chevys for peach margaritas. i sat in dereks section, and gabe pured like 5 shots of herradura silver in my HUGE ASS margarita. im sitting there, and im like "dude, i never realized how big these were till one was put in front of me." i chatted with lee and derek and rodrigo and all them. then i went to smoke a cigarette with derek, where i confided to him that it was the worst day of my life bc i have no idea how to be anything but a student and im petrified about real life and what i have to do with it. we went back in and there was a GNAT in my drink. which was halfway gone. so gabe made me another one with MORE tequila this time. i drank the whole thing. i paid with my debit card and fuckin derek crossed out the tip line, and wrote $7.87 (which is all i paid for all of this alcohol) on the total line. so i wrote in a tip anyway and initialed it, and i was like "you fuck, im tipping you" and he was like "oh, it looks like i lost that slip" and, without turning it over, he crumples it up and throws it away. bastard. then i went to the bathroom and rebecca comes in and shes like "derek was like 'i cant believe she left without saying goodbye!'" and so i went out there and hugged him from behind on the squirrel and i was like "of course im gonna say goodbye!" and it was funny. ok. then i went to siberia to see st azimuth. i got there and chris ray used a free drink ticket to get my a bud light. i watched them play (actually, jesse and i sat on the floor because we were both trashed).. then they were like "we're going back to the rehearsal space" so i said goodbye and told baxter id call him in a wee bit. went back to chevys to tell lee i was bailing on westway bc i was trashed and couldnt go to the diner, and had a nervous breakdown i started crying and i was like "lee, im caught up in feelings that i didnt think i would have when i started this whole charade, and now its this crap and HE DOESNT CARE." and i sat there and i cried and i said i had to go.. and i stumbled out of chevys. then i went over to the rehearsal space and smoked a blunt with the boys. i was totally fucked. i was sitting on the floor and i was like "duuhhhhh." thats it. i went over and sat on he amp with bart and i cuddled with him and i was like "i dont know how im even not dead right now" and i kept saying i was going to kill myself bc thats the only thing for me to do right now. then they decided that it was time to go home and out of the FIVE boys that were there NONE would take me home. so i walked over to 6th ave with baxter and we were almost to the subway when this siler minivan came careening onto the sidewalk hitting a big metal garbage can, sending it flying into this girls leg.. and it was like seriously 20 feet away from us. and i kept thinking that if we had waited for the "walk" sign on broadway it would have been us. it was way weird and surreal. fuckin baxter didnt even wait for me to get in a cab, he went down to the subway. thanks guy. so i wandered around at 4 am looking for a cab, being wasted and shook up from almost dying. and i decided that may 21 was the worst day EVER. first adam, then this whole graduating debacle. im over may 21, and im staying in bed the whole day from this day forth. so there. i got into a cab, called twon. got home, passed out. woke up this morning, went to work. i made $151 today, on $788 sales. i walked with almost 20%. bc i am the shit. i was way chatty and friendly today. im quite happy with myself. but now im here and im sad again. i saw derek at work, but he was upstairs and i was down. we barely interacted bc it was kinda busy. we smoked a cigarette together. he said goodbye when he was leaving, he gave me a hug and told me to take care of myself. i was like ok. yah so. its apparent. this whole thing means nothing to him. and im stupid bc i hoped it would. plus joey quit yesterday, so now dereks gonna quit and i asked him if he would still be my friend, he said yes but.. you know. i dont know. my life sucks.

alright. so now its 8:47. i think i started this at like 7. i have been chatting with candace and watching the price is right. plus i ate some of my leftover fettucine alfredo and stuff. i think i am going to go to bed early tonight. bc i hate my life. and there is no reason for me to stay up, seeing as i hate my life. ok. bye now.

you should really stop stealing my music. you fuck.

anyway. um, yah. so.. work sucked. kim was there, and jesse, but it felt different. it was kims last night. it was lame. i was bored. i need to get out of there, its not the same anymore, i miss justin and shasta on my regular nights. i miss the funness. its not fun anymore. it SUCKS.

i didnt call derek. i did, however, manage to make my way into night 3 tomorrow, i think, which would make me close upstairs with him. woo. hopefully we can get drinks and i can get some that would be greaaaat. thanks. ahahaha. im such a BOY!

so candaces parents are here. i heard them come in but i decided not to get out of bed. bc i was LAZY. as usual. ill probably meet them friday or saturday. i think i might go by chevys friday night to gather up some people to celebrate my graduation in a fun drunken way. st azimuth is playing at siberia that night, so i might go by chevys, see whats up and who is working, get a drink. go over to siberia. they are playing at 1230 according to baxter. i could watch them, chill, and then if any of the people i want to hang out with were closing, then i can meet up with them at that time.

ok. im going now. byeee.

im way tired. going to bed in a minute. my horoscope for tomorrow seems like a good one...

Today marks a planetary change that will boost your success in the department of love and romance for the next few weeks, gille. During this time, you will find yourself feeling like the Queen of the Ball during every party you attend. This is an excellent time for you to throw a huge celebration in your home or simply spend a great deal of intimate time with a romantic partner.

so. i was thinking i should probably like, i dont know. spend time with a romantic partner. but. i will not see the enigma bc he is really not a romantic partner anymore seeing as my feels for him ebb further away with each passing second. and i dont think i will see derek, as he isnt working. i was thinking i would maybe call him to see if he wants to get together after my shift. i hate calling people. im always afraid they wont call me back, and i take it personally when they dont call. grr..

um yah. so. yah. i dont know. im WAY HOT. thats going to be the bulk of my posts until oh, september. i have to clean my fannnnnnn. grrrr.. ive been sleeping in only shorts, no shirt or anything for the past week or two. candace's parents are coming tomorrow, so i hope they know which room is hers, cos it would be way embarassing if they walked into mine and i was half naked, sleeping. also its supposed to thunder tonight. its almost 5, so i think it wont, but if it does, candace will get scared and she keeps saying when it thunders shes gonna crawl into bed with me, bc she is deathly afraid of thunder. like remember the other night i said she would prob be up? well, she was, only i was in my bedroom and she didnt see the living room light on, so she stayed in her bed, petrified. i told her to wake me whenever she needs me. but i will be topless. well i didnt warn her about that. oh well. i dont think she will. ill prob just stay up when its thundering, so she knows im out here. cos i felt bad, i heard her stirring that night, and i should have checked on her, seeing as i was only reading journals in my room.. oh well. i thought it was coming from upstairs, but it was candace. she got up to close her window (shes afraid the lightning will come in or something) and she RAN back to her bed. its kinda cute.

ok. my back hurts and my eyes hurt and i took my nyquil like an hour ago. sooooo night night for me! wish me luck with my "romantic partner" tomorrow ehehehe. xoxo.

*well, its not fair, its not even close. you tied me down, where im forced to watch as you poke holes in every part of me containing something secretly. something sacred to me. i lied my face off when i said that i would be okay. its never fine when you go away. these cuts run deep. these scars are permanent and always on display. this makes things difficult for me. its not fair, its not even close. you fed me the sun. burned me up inside and watched me choke on everything we did. on everything we lived. lets see if i can live again. i lied my face off when i said that i would be okay. its never fine when you go away. these cuts run deep. these scars are permanent and always on display. this makes things difficult for me. head like an empty, sterile room. somehow i made a mess. like watching newborn babies crack from work related stress.*
alkaline trio

im hot. i hate being hot. ugh. watchin conan. neat. i soooo need to take my contacts out. i think i have to perform a virus scan. grrrrr.. i hate this. i have nothing to say, really. i feel very disconnected from the enigma today. i sent him a message, but then i didnt feel like talking. he said when i move home we'll hang out, bc i expressed that i was scared to move bc all my friends are here. i was like "riiiiiight" and i flipped my phone shut. seriously. over it. ok maybe not bc i seriously do have feelings and all that crap, but... i dont know. feeling very very very very disconnected.

i got my work schedule today. im working tomorrow in nt4 which is 4 booths and an ok section. thursday im in nb2, which sucks bc i have to go to graduation early fri morning.. its a great station, but. ugh. um, what else.. im off fri for graduation. db3 saturday. day1 on sunday. eh. so yah. im not working with derek at all. on thursday hes working, thats our only shift together, and he is upstairs while i am in the bar. grrr. hes closing upstairs so its possibl we will go out. i will maybe call him tomorrow and be like hey i was thinking about drinkin tonight but yr not here. call me." cos i kinda dont wanna crash at his place thursday night, esp since i have to be here for graduation at 10. ugh. so we shall see. he is working sat and sun night. maybe ill make plans to hang out with some chevys people friday night to celebrate my graduation, like lee and kim and derek. that way we could all go out. and i could stealthly leave with derek. hmm.. we shall see. i needa get some, soon. dammit.

anyway i shall run virus scan now. xoxo.

im baaaaack. still bored. its like 145 and i have no one to talk to. i do not know where twon is. im smoking a bunch of cigarettes, drinking cherry coke. i wanna take my nyquil. im all about going back to bed. i mean, i know i only woke up like 11 hours ago, but. you know. after therapy tomorrow i have to go to chevys to see the schedule. i hope derek is working wednesday. then we can go out and i can get cuddles. woo. i wonder if we wont be able to go to his place since justin is moving in with him. that would be weird, you know, since i know justin and i guess derek will probably tell him, but still. its like being caught in the act. we shall see. anyway the point is that i kinda wanna play pool this week, and i think derek would be down seeing as he and justin used to hustle playing pool. eeep.

so... sooo... yah. i have nothing to say as usual. i like to babble!! eep! eep! now kim is back on. we're talking about derek. she asked me if he knew she knew. i dont think so though. she like wants me to tell him that she knows for her benefit and i dont understand why.

eeep.

create your own personalized map of the USA

*sometimes men can be so misleading to take what they need from you whatever you need to make you feel like you've been the one behind the wheel the sunrise is just over that hill the worst is over*
cursive

im watching everybody loves raymond. i have a feeling that there will be a big roach sighting tonight. i dont know why. i just have a feeling. i am certainly hoping i was wrong. im way tired. this sucks. kim didnt call me. i figured she wouldnt bc she usually is a failure with things like that. ugh.

eeeeep. eeeeep. so bored. talking to this kid i met on okcupid who apparently is lonely and wants to whine to me. i dont know why i dont just go. hes annoying me, sort of.

candace and i had family night tonight. we watched colonial house and ate pasta. we then had hot fudge sundaes, which were way good. but we had too much it sucked. we tried to watch superstar also, but colonial house really won out. its on again tomorrow. YAY! my away message read: "colonial house, motherfuckers."

baaaah. i talked to the enigma for like 45 seconds today. he said he wished he knew i was gonna be on LI over the weekend and i was like "um, i told you last week, i said you would prob be away all weekend, and that id stay till monday if you were gonna hang out" and he was like "oh, ok, im stupid." um? well.. whatever. my feelings are waning. i still have this tug that says i wanna see him and cuddle.. but the other part is growing stronger and realizing that i can be something to someone instead of being just sex. that or im moving into another purely sexual relationship that will just hurt in the long run. who even cares anymore?

*this will be wasted time if you leave, when you leave*
king for a day.

*mind tricks the body, body thinks the mind is crazy*
glassjaw

im hungry. im waiting to eat till candace gets home. i still have to go to the grocery store, the thing is i just got totally drawn into the hughleys, which is weird cos normally i hate this show. and if i wait to go ill miss the king of queens. but thats on twice, so i guess all is not lost. i have to get cigs and pasta. thats the plan.

meeep. so i dont know. im tired. i have the above glassjaw song in my head. *lost in you for days, enjoy the distance as we gaze* theres a lot of lyrics i cant understand in this song. i cant seem to find them on the internet bc this song was on the fadeaway records comp a few years ago. i found the lyrics for other glassjaw stuff, which i dont need cos i have the cds, though i did think it was funny that the ep has the date 2001 next to it. i definitely got mine in like 1998. kiss kiss bang bang. i wonder if they rereleased it with different artwork. *theres a hole in my stomach and it goes right through.. said 'ah theres a hole ina donut too'* i found some lyrics but that last one was different. if you heard it, you would think i was right. cos there is really no way he says "ah theres a hole in my tongue and ill turn out too" there are not nearly enough words for him to have said that. ok, so anyway. time to go to the grocery store.

*you dont call me, thats just fine. but dont say this is over and done cos i dont wanna find myself in ten years wondering "were you the one?" i dont believe anything ive done in this past year, its alright and in time it has only hurt me deep inside.*
the rookie lot.

so i told ryan i would look around in my car for the rookie lot tape. and alas i found it in a bag of tapes in my trunk. i think i got this tape at a church in oceanside back in the day. i also think i drove brandon to that show, and he is now in the movielife. anyway.

its like 915ish maybe a bit after. im watching law and order. i love criminal intent, i love this detective he's like "i know ALL" which is pretty much true. so anyway im trying to type during commercials. im staving. kim is calling me later at like 10. we must discuss some derek related stuff. he was freaking out monday night and she doesnt know why, so i told her id tell her what his deal was, plus about when he came over that night. soooo. im going to have to be sober for that or else i will go off track and be distractable by, oh, the wall. so i have to be good till then. im kind of hesitant to talk to kim about it. i mean, she knows derek, and we both hooked up with him at the same time. sooooo i mean, its gonna be weird to talk about my alone experiences with him.

i wish i had some hot fudge. mmmmm. i think i might do laundry tomorrow. if i do, i will also go to the grocery store and get stuff like hot fudge. and maybe even some real food. i got some potato salad today but it wasnt so good. no lake deli salad, thats fo' sure. im going to have some more in a minute, anyway.

ok. more later. must pay attention to law and order. thanks.

im way itchy. it doesnt make sense, seeing as i showered like 12 hours ago. i washed my hair and my head is kinda itchy. this sucks. i hate the warm weather it always does this crap to me. i have to go to LI straight from work tomorrow. this upsets me a wee bit. that means i have to pack tonight, bc i have work at 1130 tomorrow morning. ugh.

so i got my wonderful period today, as i said i would be getting it soon. at work. luckily i had something on me, cos seriously it was before i even got one table. that sucked. now im out of commission till at least wednesday. so im hoping that the enigma does not try to see me tuesday, bc i will be trailing off, but still not in working order. sigh. at least im not working for the brunt of it. i hate working like three days in a row on the rag. boo. i also wont work again until at least wednesday. i hope i have a good schedule. i wont find out till like tuesday, ill go in after therapy or something and check the schedule.

work was good and bad tonight. it was bad bc no one was working. did i talk about this already last night? i think i did. it was lonely. but i socialized with my tables, which worked out cos i made 20% on practically all my tables. some left double the tax, one left only 10% but at least it was that. i ended up making $115 on $750 sales. i am not making as much money as i need to be, but at least i go back to 5 days not this upcoming schedule but the one after it. YAY. this upcoming schedule i should be working wed, thurs, sat and sun.. that would be good i guess, hopefully i will have two night bars, and two day bars.

candaces parents are coming to town this week. i am not looking forward to it. i think they are staying something like 10 days. and they are staying with us. i am against this. first of all, candace will probably sleep in the living room, so i wont be able to be on my computer (though i suppose i could just sit on the floor in my room those nights and babble on aim) and also i will not have access to tv if shes sleeping out here. plus it will be weird having them here. i think i can smoke cigarettes, but i am not sure. i definitely cannot smoke pot, which is going to be a problem. i mean if they arent here i will smoke, but at night.. well maybe but i cough, and what if they are light sleepers? plus if i go out with derek, we will have to go back to his place. not necessarily a problem, but that means i should probably bring my glasses and contacts case to work with me each day i go, just in case. i mean i suppose i could still bring him here, but.. no. because we would be drunk coming in, which would maybe wake candace on the couch, and he has a tendency to be a wee bit loud in the moment..... i would be way embarrassed if they happened to be awake or wake up and hear him. i stayed at his place once before, and im not really into it. park slope is nice and all, but he doesnt have curtains or anything in his room, and the sun comes straight in in the morning.. and if i stay there, then i have to get up when he gets up, which would suck if he had to leave his apartment at like 10 or 11 and i didnt want to get up yet. if we were here, i wouldnt have to get up! i could just stay in bed. get up to let him out and lock the door behind him. im putting way too much thought into this. i wish i was going to LI for most of the time they will be here, but i actually dont think i will be on LI for any of it. and i also hope that derek and i dont choose to go out thurs night, bc then i have to be back here by like 10 for graduation, maybe even earlier. UGH. this sucks.

ooooh i just saw the silverfish. it has been running around my apartment for a few days now. the other day ryan came over and played video games with me, and i saw it run under the couch. i didnt feel like investigating, those fuckers run fast. i just saw it dart into the kitchen, then turn right. probably it went under the fridge. im going to let it leave until a) i have shoes on or b) its coming towards me and i see it in time to grab my sneaker. i will not hunt it down or stalk it. it is, however, quite large, and the time will come for it to meet its maker. oh yes.

ok its 4:31 now so im going to bed.

roue \roo-AY\, noun:
A man devoted to a life of sensual pleasure; a debauchee; a rake.

*sing me to sleep im tired and i, i want to go to bed. sing me to sleep.. sing me to sleep*
the smiths.

ok im just tired. im not suicidal like the song. listening to the smiths is so depressing, but they are soo good. this song is in the perks of being a wallflower. i read that while i was in vegas, and i already want to re-read it. i finished slaughterhouse-five yesterday, and i started the half mammals of dixie. its good so far. it made me laugh bc in one of the stories, the main character says that people of voting age should no longer call themselves names ending in -y, -ie, or -i. the reason i laughed was bc the same thing was in carrie pilby, which i read after the perks.. its especially coincidental bc i added both books to my reading list after finding them on the same suggested reading table at borders during the fall semester when i went to buy fast-food nation for my post WWII US history course. it seems like everyone is reading that book, though. candace borrowed it from me, derek was reading it when i met him at starbucks last week. and other people have mentioned it too.. i think john read it and decided to go vegetarian. which is weird cos schlosser also points out that gross shit goes into stuff like cranberry juice as well as gross stuff in meat.

im up to like 300 posts. isnt that nutty? its getting harder for me to think of lyrics lately, seeing as ive used probably like 250 songs thus far, maybe more bc sometimes i put multiple songs on one post. ugh. anyway, perhaps i need to broaden my horizons musically. but i dont wanna!! i like listening to brand new constantly.

i really have nothing to say. i mean, i dont even know why i opened up a new entry. its like 4 am. im going to go to bed at 5 or 530. i have work at 5, so i have to leave at 4.. shower at like 230 i guess.. so i can sleep till 2. neat. maybe even 230. who knows maybe ill try to get up at 1. riiight. especially after my night of nonsleep last night.. i tried to go back to sleep after i posted this morning, but i kinda laid there and went in and out of sleep. like id wake up and think i slept a few hours and it would really be only like 30 minutes since id last looked at the clock. which was annoying. i think it was too hot and i was just kinda weird.

i am nonexcited for work tomorrow. all of my people are off except for lee. kim quit this week because she has finals and then shes moving to LI for a year to save for grad school.. bart and baxter are playing a gig in CT.. derek gave away his shift bc he "can no longer work more than two days in a row at that place". jesse took off the nest two weeks for finals.. ugh! its going to be all lame people that i could do without, and to top it off, im closing. therefore i will be there till 2, and i will not be happy or social. another bummer is that normally on fridays, i go to westway after work. however, all the people i would go with are off, and lee (who i go with nine times out of ten) is meeting up with his woman tomorrow night. boooo!!! so i guess ill just come home after work and maybe watch some tv and go to bed. that kinda sucks. ill also probably take a taxi, and being sober taking a cab is kinda like wasting my money. however i do have to work at 1130 sat am so i guess i shouldnt stay out anyway....

i wonder if ill see the enigma next week. i dont know if i already said this, but when we were messaging on monday he said he had practice that night and asked if i would be back any other days. i said i wouldnt be bc i was coming home over the weekend for my brothers bday, and i could stay till mon if he was definitely gonna hang out, but he said he practices mon and wed.. so. then he was like "maybe i'll come out to you next week." riiight. i mean, i dont really expect him to.. ha actually im supposed to get my period next week, so i bet he WILL. ugh. also itll prob be at least wednesday before i go out with derek again. which kind of makes him a failure at being my drinking buddy, if we're only drinking once a week. ill see him sat am at work, though he is working a double upstairs, and perhaps on my way out i will suggest he call me sun, mon or tues if he feels like meeting up for a drink. im actually very busy monday night though, what with colonial house on at 8 and the hoax american idol on at 9. though i suppose i could leave my house at 10. who knows. i dont even know why im putting so much thought into this. oh, its bc i think about sex more often than the average person ahahaha. im like obsessed with when next ill get some lovin. and cuddles!! the thing that is better about derek is that he stays the night with me. the enigma and i havent spent the night together since june 3. june 3!!! thats almost a year seeing as its technically may 14 (my bros 22nd bday!!!).. ugh. and i mean, in the three times ive hooked up with derek, the first time was at his place and we all stayed there, and then the other two times were here (cos i got him to come here since i wear contacts and wanted to take them out again last night). and niether time did it even appear that he *wanted* to leave. it was like lovin, cuddles and chatting, and then sleep. plus in the cab on the way last night he was like "can you set an alarm for me?" so i mean he *intends* to cuddle and sleep and stuff. last nights cuddles were not as good as last weeks, let me tell you. i mean, aspects of it were better, there were moments where it was way cozier and i was like this rocks, but there were other times that we werent really cuddling. and i got kinda tired of cuddling him. i like to be wrapped up in boy, not wrap up boy.

anyway. it is now 4:47 so im going to quit this crap. oh, by the way, i solved the crossword puzzle without verifying my letters once again tonight. its been a week or two since last i did that, so im a little bit proud.

nite nite...

*sometimes you can make me feel like im living at the edge of the world*
the cure

meep meep. EEP! EEP! i dont know.

so yah. my apartment is filled with noxious odors right now. im cooking mac and cheese, and i guess the front right burner is coated with devil or something, bc it smelled like burning plastic. and it was icky.

i was supposed to work in nb5 tonight, but i switched with cynthia to work upstairs in 7 since bart was upstairs as well as derek. he, too, had switched upstairs. i havent seen bart in like a week, so i wanted to work with him, plus i figured that since derek was like "yah switch upstairs" he might wanna get drinks after work, which would lead to me getting laid two nights in a row. which hasnt happened in like 2 years now, so you know. but alas, he was meeting his roommate downtown after work. oh well. i kinda find it funny that im now regularly hooking up with half of the former ambiguously gay duo. he is definitely not gay, but hes still kinda feminine. oh wait, thats how i *like* my men. he was looking very good tonight, even though he got his nose pierced which i am sort of against for boys. but then i still took him home last night with it, so. it must not be that big of a thing for me.

blah. im bored. one more minute for my mac and cheese. i hope those fumes i was breathing in werent poisonous.

its almost 2. there is nothing on tv at 2. except the leno repeat from last week.. i probably watched it last week though, thereby making it was redundant to watch again. im trying to think what i did last thursday.. i was in the city with family, watched friends and er with candace. i think i then talked to kimberly on the phone? i dont know, though i think i missed most of er. but if i was already watching channel 4, i probably watched leno.

one of my ebay dashboard shirts came in the mail today. wooohooo.

im out. as always, perhaps more later.

im soooooo sleeeeeeeeeepy. its 10:44 on my computer clock, which is usually a wee bit fast. i have been awake since the 9ish region of the day. i do not know why. i closed the bar last night, which was ok. i was supposed to work in 2, which i did, but then derek suggested i ask antonio to close for him in 3 so as we could get drinks after work. so i did. after our shift we went to this mcsorleys place. had two coronas and two shots of jager. i couldnt get the bathroom door to work so we left to go to the playwright, but they were closed at 230. fuckers. so we went to the collins bar. two more coronas. then i started to feel icky, and i knew if i continued to drink i would be sorry, so i said that it was my last beer and he agreed. we wanted to smoke a cigarette before catching a cab, so we were sitting on the ground on like 47th St, and we kissed like once, and not even like making out kissing, just regular and these frat boy looking boys across the street were like "get a room!" which was annoying. then like 5 seconds later this guy comes over and starts talking to us. he was way drunk and way happy. he started telling us about how his baby mom doesnt drink but he has to do his thing he was like "i drink, i have to come out. you dont drink, thats yr priority, you can stay home. i get home before the sun and i take my kids to school. i do my duty!" and he was like jumping all over the place, showing us pictures of his kids (who derek didnt even think were real, he really thought they were like cut out of a magazine) and his sunglasses kept falling down and he kept putting them back on his head, and then he was like "you two need to cherish what you have. cos thats love right there." we were hysterical the whole time. i thought it was funny that it was the second time in one week that people suggested we made a good couple. also, this girl was walking down 8th ave with her ass crack completely exposed and the drunk guy was like "crack aint legal, but thats some crack!!!" anyway, we got in a cab, made out a bunch, came back here. he took a shower. went to bed at like 415. i think we fell asleep at like 530 or so. i slept fine till i woke up at 9ish, when i couldnt fall back asleep. i didnt wanna disturb him but i had to pee. so i got up and he stayed sleeping. i came back and i was laying there and like 15 mins later hes like "what the hell?!" but he was just talking in his sleep. which was funny. apparently he does that all the time. anyway my alarm went off at like 10:08 and he totally couldnt wake up. i feel bad bc he has a meeting of sorts at 1, and then work at 4, and now hes probably gonna be all tired. which probably isnt necessarily a bad thing, bc i probably shouldnt drink again tonight. i think i used "probably" entirely too many times in the last 45 seconds. probably. ahahahaha.

anyway. im going to go back to my bed now, bc i would really like to sleep some more.. we shall see.....

*ill wait another day as years and hope both slip away to a place thats cracked with smiles that was never meant to be and i know that ive been mislead but four words run around my head: come back to me!*
plow united.

that was in my journal (vol. II). probably on june 29,1997, bc its in the same hand and the same pen as the entry i wrote below it. and my handwriting used to change daily. one month and nine days after i met the enigma. the entry directly preceding it said (in capital letters): "please let me be allowed to go to rhode island. please. i rilly need to go & be happy cos im sort of miserable. ive got to talk to 563 [the enigma, formerly known as 563 in the old paper journals] monday so my momma can speaketh with his momma & mis padres can make a decision. please. he asked me if id share the bed with him. of course! ill molest him. :) im so in love w/ this boy. i rilly want to go on this trip. rilly rilly bad.. sigh. please? yikers. :( blah. good night! june 27 1997 1:37 am!" that was when i was (obviously) supposed to go to ri with the enigma to visit a friend of his. his friend ended up coming home instead, so we didnt go. the entry directly after that is a bunch of numbers that spell out: "its 3 oclock love you" which was what the enigma had paged me that night. with a bunch of smiley faces around it. fucker. he was such a good liar even back then. anyway it then goes on to say: "1ts 12:18 am. in less than 12 hours ill be chillin' at TRAMPS awaiting weston (heart). i want to be up front again! i want to go to rhode island. i should go to sleep bc ive got to get up at 7:17 & shower, plus kurts gonna beep me at like 2 or 3! blah. 563. thats all. bad dreams where he kept leaving me that antonia doesnt know what they mean. im exhausted. i told jamie i would be at her house at 9:30ish. picking up chris at 8:45. ugh. 12:22 am JUNE 29 1997" ah, what it was like to be 17 again. weston shows. i think that plow united played at that, too. and the lunachicks.. and i think that was the first time i saw silent majority. i bought their record that day. i didnt get the cd for like a year or two after that. i interviewed weston for my zine that day. i kept yelling for plow to play this song i loved. only i cant remember what its called now. i think it might be called martin. i havent seen the track list to my plow cd in YEARS. all of my jewel cases are on LI in boxes. i also asked for lighters. they told me they would play niether. jerks. lol. i also saw them at sound beach one day, and ifarm. ok lets flash back to 2004, this is getting intense.

or not....

the point of that whole thing was that i feel the same way about the enigma now as i did then. i guess its not so evidenced in the above, but.. i have better examples, like..
7/1/97: "no 563. he said we'd do something and then he never fucking showed up."
7/5/97: "gille says: '563 sucks & he makes me cry becos i feel unloved.' i hate 563 forever."
7/16/97: "563 last night. *sigh* sitting with him on his front steps for 2 1/2 hours talking about us. US. the incredible attraction. our feelings. suzanne. i hate her. IVE LEARNED TO LIVE WITH THE PAIN, IVE LEARNED TO BLEED WITH MY EMPTY HEART - INSIDE but then theres 563 again. sleeping with his shirt cos it smells like him. listening to his tape cos it sounds like him. smoking his cigar because it tastes like him. maybe one day i will have him. why do i put up with this? go throw rocks at his window at 3. LOVE YOU AT 3 O'CLOCK? no, love you forever. its so pathetic. he means so much to me."
8/5/97: "563 beeped me today. i was at work though. maybe we'll hang out this week? i totally miss him. suzanne said she hates when he hangs out with me. fuck her though."
8/8/97: "i can quite possibly say that august eight was one of the worst days of my seventeen years. id always looked forward to 563 and suzanne breaking up & now they have and he hates me. someone told her that he slept with me (?!) and she always hated me anyway.. he cried on the phone with me. he said he needs time away from me. my life is falling apart. what if i never talk to him again? i dont know what to do, ill probably write him a letter tomorrow, even if i dont mail it. i said 'i understand that i dont mean anything to anyone' and he said 'obviously you mean something to me if...' but i didnt hear the last part cos the payphone i was on sucked. im nothing."
8/18/97: "i want to kiss 563, just to see what its like."
8/24/97: "im thinking about 563. i really want to have some kind of relationship w/ him. i totally think that its possible that we'll fool around when i see him again. maybe. but i wont initiate anything. maybe we'll start hanging out more since he'll be two minutes away at suffolk."
9/2/97: "I HATE 563. I CANT BELIEVE I EVER CARED ABOUT THAT JERK."

seven days later, my journal continues. that last entry was at 1:24 am, so i did not write again till 9/8/97 at 8:54am. it picks up on the 8th, talking about jon, who immediately followed the enigma/scrot/brian from the summer (cos i was hooking up with other boys while being in love with the enigma). therefore, i did not record the whole "fuck you, i never want to see you again" that had been uttered by me on 9/1 at sometime after school. im not sure i remember what prompted it, but im pretty sure i called him on choosing suzanne over me, and he said he would, that he loved her, and i lost it. bc for the past three months he'd been telling me he loved me like daily, and then it meant nothing. i met him may 20, 1997. the entries in may and june are scared and crush like, i babble about how adorable he is, and how i hope he doesnt have a girlfriend, and how much fun we have and he wrote a page in there.. and i write about how im just gonna get hurt. it was june 6 1997 that he admitted he had a girlfriend. thats a solid three weeks of omitting that he was involved with a girl for like 2 years. from that point on i kind of waver, i say i hope he'll break up with her and be with me, but i always say that i wont hook up or make out with him. and i felt the way i do now. sad, lonely. feeling like i feel something that he feels but refuses to acknowledge. its sad. you would think i would read these pages and see how it ended that time, too. but the thing is, after that 9/2 entry he falls from the pages. i know he paged me "i miss you" sometime thereafter, cos i wrote about it in my zine. i also know i called him back when he paged me sometime during my senior year of high school. i think it might have been spring. and my heart jumped when my pager vibated with his number, and i told my bio teacher my mom paged me 911, and i called him back from the pay phones in the octagon. it was awkward. he said he missed me. we said we'd try to be friends. he was back with suzanne. it didnt happen. in the fall i went to pace, he went to oneonta. i saw him at inside in july 99 and he says i was mean to him. i didnt write about that either. sometimes i wish i wrote about telling him to fuck off. maybe i could recapture the anger of the moment and redirect it to stand up for myself and let him know how much he hurts me by playing these games. and its weird bc i see the things he said, and im like.. well. even back then, when we were living like 17 mins from each other, he never came through. why would it be any different when im home? bc things are sexual now, and he has more incentive to stop by? greeeat. sigh. someday ill have it all figured out.

now i am going to bed, bc my good friend twon is mia.

xoxo

i just had the worst dream EVER. i was making dinner for my dad and some people.. i think i was making mixed vegetables and some macaroni and cheese. but it wasnt enough food and i kept screwing everything up and spilling it, and so i went in my room and had a nervous breakdown. like a serious nervous breakdown, with crazy heaving sobs. i had to get out, so i went to exchange a cd.. but then i woke up and i didnt know where i was (in the dream) i was outside but i had no idea how i got there. its like i went from being n this room, which was supposedly mine but not really, to being out. i was walking down the street along the buildings with my hood up and it looked like the village, but i couldnt remember what i wanted to do or how i got there and this huge group of kids kept pushing into me and being like "this girl is scared of a parade!!" and i had no idea what to do. i felt groggy like i had been drugged. so i looked at my phone, and i kept thinking i could call someone but i didnt.. i couldnt find my discman, though i had my headphones on so i thought i got picked while i was sleeping or something. so i thought to myself i would have to make ryan make me another kill yrself cd. and i was wandering around and i found 23rd St. so i was going to get on the train but these two great big black guys wouldnt let me go on. they were blocking the turnstile, and i asked please, so they said go in by the A. so i walked around a little till i found a set of stairs. when i got to the platform it was crowded with thug-like kids, and for some reason snoop dogg was performing on the other platform (i guess the downtown side) and there were these mesh barracades and people were fighting and i was afraid i would get shot. so i left the platform bc i couldnt discern which side was uptown and i didnt want to get more lost, so i went back up to the mezzanine or whatever. i thought i could just take a cab but i wa afriad to go back to the street, and i only had $20 on me. a cab costs less than than, but i was being frugal. i still didnt know where i was, it was like a dungeon down there and all the escalators didnt work, they were running, but they were like smooshed or something, not running straight. i cant explain it, it almost looked like they were melting, like their teeth were all garbled. so i finally ran up it, and i was on the platform but there were no signs. i figured out that i was waiting in the right place, and an E came right away. and it was dark in the car and i sat down and this man was sleeping but he had picked up his head for a minute, and this other man got on and was like "thats his pillow" which was a jacket on the other side of me. so i was going to stand up and the sleeping guy put his head on me and i was like NOO so i got up and the other man was like "where are you coming from?" and sleeping guy was like, all mad, "work" so he moved his pillow and people sat down and these two like 55 or 60 year old ladies were getting it on right next to me. and magically then i had my bag, with my discman in it but i was afriad to use it. then all the sudden i wasnt on the subway, well, i kinda was, but it was the rollar coaster at new york new york in vegas and i was not fastened in properly, i kept thinking i was going to lose my phone and my bag bc my pockets were open and my ears were popping bc we were climbing the huge steep first hill of the rollar coaster and i guess i was like "i wont lose anything if i dont think i will.." so we bypassed 50th St (i have NO IDEA what happened to 34th and 42nd, or 7th ave for that matter, cos all the sudden we were at 53rd/5th), and i was happy that we'd skipped so many stations, but then it turned around and went backwards. and it was still the rollar coaster but still the subway at the same time. then i was on the train normally, and i ran into shasta. i didnt know where i was, the train was above ground but still in the city, not in any of the borroughs. so shasta said that we were on the E train and we were almost at 42nd st, and that didnt i remember that the subway goes above ground on the west side? so she asked me if i wanted to go someplace with "them" (who, i do not know, since i only saw shasta) and i said i just wanted to get home.. thats when i woke up and i was tossing violently. i think i might have been yelling in my sleep. especially during that breakdown scene at the beginning of the dream i FELT myself howling tears.. i woke up all sweaty and scared and in my dream i felt so scared and helpless like it was all caving in and there was nothing i could do to get home and all the people were really scary.. no one would help me. i think i was pressing my hands over my eyes in my sleep cos the skin around my eyes hurts a lot.

i just told the enigma about the dream. pretty much the gist of it without all those details (i used the IM as the frame and then filled in all the crap i left out) and he said..
enigma: yikes.. I'm sorry
enigma: but you're ok now so you should smile. it was only a dream
he then suggested that i stop watching scary movies, but the last one i watched was wrong turn with him like months ago.. it was still winter, and my away message of choice was "kiss me once in the snow i swear it never gets old" bc he picked me up to drive me to work that week and kissed me in the snow... so it was like february or some crap like that. so he reminded me that eliza dushku is hot, and i said "i know." and then i said that i was bummed cos id planned to sleep till 8...
enigma: count sheep
gille: no way and risk going back into nyc hell dream?
so i told him i would let him get back to his tour planning, which is what he is doing when he is on AIM, and ...
gille: hope you have a good night :)
enigma: hope you have a wonderful night

*sigh*

he was kinda laughing at me when i was telling him about it. i was really distressed. he cannot understand bc he didnt have that awful awful awful dream. but at least he was supportive. i cannot understand it. i think i was making dinner for my aunt paula, who was here last week, and my cousins. but my cousins were little (they are both grown, like 22 and 20 or something close to that) and their father was this bald fat man, and my uncle anthony is very skinny and he has a fro. the heaving sobs felt so real, i swear i was actually heaving in my sleep i dont think i actually was crying, but i was def heaving and i def felt like it was soooo real that i was lost and.. i dont know. i couldnt tell reality from a dream until like halfway through when i realized that i wouldnt lose anything on this rollar coaster if i didnt think i would. and that i could will it back into being the subway and i could will myself awake.

i think this dream meant one of two things.. or both.

(a) it meant that i have to get out of this mean, horrible city where people dont help each other and its dangerous and violent and unhappy.

(b) it was karma repaying me for a terribly racist thought i had earlier, since all of the bad people in my dream were black. the thought/statement i made to ryan and kim earlier was that i dont understand why big fat black women felt that they have a god-given right to a seat on the subway. and really, i thought about this statement, and i determined that in fact, it is NOT racist. its a scientific fact based on six years of riding the NYC subway. you want specific examples? ok, like 3 years ago this HUGE black lady got on the train and asked antonia to get up so she could sit. then she put all her bags on the seat that antonia had been sitting on. she didnt even NEED the seat. then today.. i got on the uptown E at 42nd st and there was a little space on the bench. i am little. i fit in it perfectly. it was perhaps like.. 10 inches or a foot wide. i am bad at gauging distance. anyway i sat there kinda perched on the edge of the seat bc i didnt wanna push back and put my hips in there and make everyone uncomfortable. i was reading my book and minding my own business. then the woman beside me to the left (who was of average size) got up and i slid over to the edge. and this fat black woman looks down at the space i left (which was NOT very big, no more than a foot wide or so).. and i saw her eye it and i was like "no way is she going to fit!" ... and she decides to sit (!!!!!!!!!) first of all, she was sitting ON my thigh. i was like "ow" and she was like "sorry" and i was like "yr sitting ON me" and she didnt say anything, so i moved over as far as i could (which wasnt far considering i had pushed over to the bar when the average size woman got up) and i was SMOOOOSHED seriously i couldnt even hold my book my shoulders were all pressed in and so i looked at her with a glare and i GOT UP. i shook my head in disgust. she looked aloof and let her fat spread out and there were no more than 5 inches left where i was sitting. that cunt.

anyway. thats what i figure. either a sign that is telling me to get out, or karma making me a jerk for not extending that to all fat women. but i have never had a problem with big fat WHITE ladies. or HISPANIC ladies. and i have never even seen a big fat asian lady in my 24 years. i dont think they exist. well ok, sometimes the big fat hispanic ladies try to manuever into a small space, but EVERY SINGLE TIME i notice a big fat black lady eyeing a seat, it is wayyyy too small and they undoubtedly sit anyway. forcing someone (like me) to get up. so clearly that is not a racist remark, but rather an edcated observation. so fuck you karma.

its a little bit warm in here. when candace gets home soon, she is going to want to bring out her fan. which will in turn make me cold. right now i am comfortable. its prob like 72 degrees in here, and im not sweaty. im wearing shorts and a tank top, and i feel like this is a good temperature. theres a slight chill. my skin feels a little cold to the touch.. but candace always feels like its perfect when i am cold, so.. this will suck bc i will have to endure the fan blowing my hair (which i HATE) and i will have to get a sweater and be too hot. ugh.

i called derek at 5. i called sneaky like, and just left a voicemail saying he had said on fri that i should call him tues to get some drinks.. and that he should call me back. he hasnt. i was thinking maybe he will wait until later, when its more closer to the time i said i would go (which is 11, since law and order is on after one tree hill).. it would be nice of him to call me soon, esp if he isnt going, since i could potentially make other plans. which i wont. but HE doesnt know that.

ok thats enough from me. i am going to turn on the tv and perhaps make some dinner. i do not know what i want. im feeling cream cheese and jelly though.. hmm. i also kinda want soup (which i think is a leftover hankering from last week), but i realize its too hot for soup today. all i have is bread, cheese, cream cheese, jelly, and mac and cheese. so. we shall see.....