Monday, May 24, 2004
*our father who art in heaven, save me from the wreck im about to drown in*
cursive
i am way hot. i think its like 75 out. the fan is in my room. i am not getting it. i will get it later. also, i am sharing my home with a moth. a moth that candace was supposed to kill before she went to bed. she is on moth duty. i mean, i have to clean up the roaches. she can kill the moths.
sooooo i have a date tomorrow. its um, a blind date, with this kid jay i met on myspace. wierd! hes 28. hes pretty cute in his pics, but.. you know. im always disappointed by the boys i meet online.. not that ive done that recently (well, twon, but hes practically engaged, saving to buy a ring, and we didnt meet for a love connection or have that in mind).. anyway so yah. we've been talking on myspace for like 3 months maybe, its been a while. since like march.. and we were talking about the zoo and this historic place on staten island, and then i jokingly said we should go to the zoo the day we go to the richmond village, and now we're meeting at a bar tomorrow for a drink and to chat. he called me tonight. we had good conversation, i wasnt bored nor were there weird silences, but he is also quite chatty, so it was easy. i think it will be fun. i cant decide what to wear though. he has expressed that he thinks im cute a few times, like how he loves my glasses picture and he showed my profile to his friends and they think im cute too, so i guess its a date. his thing says "dating, serious relationship" so. yah. i dont know what to wear. i was thinking my jean skirt but its kinda short and i dont wanna be a) looking like im trying hard or b) having my thighs exploding on my chair. i was then thinking i would wear the dickies i have cut to mid calf length shorts, but those are boyish and i might look too dressed down. so then i was thinkimg maybe i would just wear my white skirt, but. yah. all i know is its supposed to be hot and i need to dress accordingly. ill decide in the morning. he talks like *such* a new yawker. hes from staten island. i was letting candace listen to his voice when he called, and we were silently giggling.
meeeeep. also im conflicted about tuesday. i am worried that derek will call me to go to coney island that day. i mean, im pretty sure he wont call me anyway, but if he does, i will have to not go, bc i have already told miss candace that i would celebrate her graduation with her and her folks.. so.. but i will *want* to see derek. and besides, like.. she ditched me that time! the night i went to get my first tattoo, that i planned around her schedule so she could come, and then bill called and she stood me up to hang out with him.. i mean, graduation is way huger (is that even a WORD?) than a tattoo, but come now. why should i pass up getting some when she didnt? grr. well its silly to even think about seeing as im definitely not going to get that call. fucking derek. he doesnt like me. its all my fault. i dont know what to do. i wanna invite him out, i want to go out with kim this week to celebrate her graduation, and i want it to be thursday but i want him to know in advance. and i wanna feel like he wants to hang out with me again, like the first time we hung out alone, how he asked me the day before if id get drinks with him after work the next night, and when he gave up his shift, he went to the movies next door and saw a flick while i worked, then went to starbucks to wait for me bc i wasnt done yet when the movie was over.. or like the second time, when i got to work and he said i should close for antonio so we could get drinks. ok im being silly bc its only been three times, and i was the one who initiated time three.. so it stands out in my mind the most since it was most recent. uuuuugh. im sick of not knowing anything or where i stand or what exactly i mean to people.
who was i talking to today that i was telling i just wanted to meet someone who was amazed by me, and wanted to see me and liked me and cared and was like "wow, i wanna spend a lot of time with this girl." it was jason, the newish bartender. he came to work there and immediately fell in love with sean, its like this big "love at first sight" thing, its kinda cute. anyway, he was saying that who's to say that i dont amaze the ones im seeing, that its probably that they just dont know what they want bc i insist on dating boys who are still being transient. cos i mean, derek is younger than me. by eight months, but still. he is 23, and a writer/comedian and not exactly the settling down type. i think i have this dream of meeting one of those boys, one of those musicians/writers/drifters and making him *want* to settle down. with me. purely because of the magnetism that will radiate between us.. and i feel like something is wrong with me when this doesnt happen, when i dont make some transient boy want to grow roots and grow old with me. which is silly, really, bc didnt i eliminate derek from the marriagable pool of boys like last week? bc he has alcoholism in his family (severely) and had two sisters that died in infancy? yah. i did. but nooooo that fact doesnt really eliminate him. i sit here and i think that i could just pick up and move out of the states with him when he goes in a few months or a year. we could just become this dynamo and fall in love and wanna be together escaping the crap that is this country. bc thats what we both think. i havent met anyone that i clicked with politically as well as i click with derek since steve.. and that was two years ago. and before that, there was NO ONE. no one ive ever dated was as critical of capitalism and government and all that as i am. and he *is* and thats sexxxxxy. oh god is it sexy. i love love LOVE that we can sit at a bar table and drink our beer and talk about the ridiculous state of affairs that is america. i love that we can pull apart the war and conservatives and see eye to eye, and understand each other. and you know what else? i love love LOVE that he remembers fucking everything i tell him. and not only does he remember, he fuckin asks me about the things i say im going to do when next he sees me. like when i saw him thursday he asked about how LI was for my brothers bday. like a week after i told him. and he asked me if i was psyched for graduation, cos he knew i was graduating friday. and when i repeat myself hes like "oh yah, you were telling me ..." and goes on to repeat what i'd said before. sometimes i feel like hes asking me what im doing tonight or on my days off so as he will have something to ask me when i see him. and you know what, i suck. like i totally could have asked him this afternoon how that play was last night, but i didnt. i forgot. aaaargh. i will never be adequate, i will forever be INadequate, and i will forever hate my life. ok, this is probably untrue. but i am starting to sweat and thats gross. so i think ill retire into my room. its not as hot when the fan is on. days like today i think if life didnt suck and i wasnt BROKE i could get an air conditioner.. oh wait, no i couldnt bc the fucking fire escape is in my bedroom window. UGH. motherfuckers WANT me to be the hottest pile of sweat in town. grrrr...
sweet dreams.
cursive
i am way hot. i think its like 75 out. the fan is in my room. i am not getting it. i will get it later. also, i am sharing my home with a moth. a moth that candace was supposed to kill before she went to bed. she is on moth duty. i mean, i have to clean up the roaches. she can kill the moths.
sooooo i have a date tomorrow. its um, a blind date, with this kid jay i met on myspace. wierd! hes 28. hes pretty cute in his pics, but.. you know. im always disappointed by the boys i meet online.. not that ive done that recently (well, twon, but hes practically engaged, saving to buy a ring, and we didnt meet for a love connection or have that in mind).. anyway so yah. we've been talking on myspace for like 3 months maybe, its been a while. since like march.. and we were talking about the zoo and this historic place on staten island, and then i jokingly said we should go to the zoo the day we go to the richmond village, and now we're meeting at a bar tomorrow for a drink and to chat. he called me tonight. we had good conversation, i wasnt bored nor were there weird silences, but he is also quite chatty, so it was easy. i think it will be fun. i cant decide what to wear though. he has expressed that he thinks im cute a few times, like how he loves my glasses picture and he showed my profile to his friends and they think im cute too, so i guess its a date. his thing says "dating, serious relationship" so. yah. i dont know what to wear. i was thinking my jean skirt but its kinda short and i dont wanna be a) looking like im trying hard or b) having my thighs exploding on my chair. i was then thinking i would wear the dickies i have cut to mid calf length shorts, but those are boyish and i might look too dressed down. so then i was thinkimg maybe i would just wear my white skirt, but. yah. all i know is its supposed to be hot and i need to dress accordingly. ill decide in the morning. he talks like *such* a new yawker. hes from staten island. i was letting candace listen to his voice when he called, and we were silently giggling.
meeeeep. also im conflicted about tuesday. i am worried that derek will call me to go to coney island that day. i mean, im pretty sure he wont call me anyway, but if he does, i will have to not go, bc i have already told miss candace that i would celebrate her graduation with her and her folks.. so.. but i will *want* to see derek. and besides, like.. she ditched me that time! the night i went to get my first tattoo, that i planned around her schedule so she could come, and then bill called and she stood me up to hang out with him.. i mean, graduation is way huger (is that even a WORD?) than a tattoo, but come now. why should i pass up getting some when she didnt? grr. well its silly to even think about seeing as im definitely not going to get that call. fucking derek. he doesnt like me. its all my fault. i dont know what to do. i wanna invite him out, i want to go out with kim this week to celebrate her graduation, and i want it to be thursday but i want him to know in advance. and i wanna feel like he wants to hang out with me again, like the first time we hung out alone, how he asked me the day before if id get drinks with him after work the next night, and when he gave up his shift, he went to the movies next door and saw a flick while i worked, then went to starbucks to wait for me bc i wasnt done yet when the movie was over.. or like the second time, when i got to work and he said i should close for antonio so we could get drinks. ok im being silly bc its only been three times, and i was the one who initiated time three.. so it stands out in my mind the most since it was most recent. uuuuugh. im sick of not knowing anything or where i stand or what exactly i mean to people.
who was i talking to today that i was telling i just wanted to meet someone who was amazed by me, and wanted to see me and liked me and cared and was like "wow, i wanna spend a lot of time with this girl." it was jason, the newish bartender. he came to work there and immediately fell in love with sean, its like this big "love at first sight" thing, its kinda cute. anyway, he was saying that who's to say that i dont amaze the ones im seeing, that its probably that they just dont know what they want bc i insist on dating boys who are still being transient. cos i mean, derek is younger than me. by eight months, but still. he is 23, and a writer/comedian and not exactly the settling down type. i think i have this dream of meeting one of those boys, one of those musicians/writers/drifters and making him *want* to settle down. with me. purely because of the magnetism that will radiate between us.. and i feel like something is wrong with me when this doesnt happen, when i dont make some transient boy want to grow roots and grow old with me. which is silly, really, bc didnt i eliminate derek from the marriagable pool of boys like last week? bc he has alcoholism in his family (severely) and had two sisters that died in infancy? yah. i did. but nooooo that fact doesnt really eliminate him. i sit here and i think that i could just pick up and move out of the states with him when he goes in a few months or a year. we could just become this dynamo and fall in love and wanna be together escaping the crap that is this country. bc thats what we both think. i havent met anyone that i clicked with politically as well as i click with derek since steve.. and that was two years ago. and before that, there was NO ONE. no one ive ever dated was as critical of capitalism and government and all that as i am. and he *is* and thats sexxxxxy. oh god is it sexy. i love love LOVE that we can sit at a bar table and drink our beer and talk about the ridiculous state of affairs that is america. i love that we can pull apart the war and conservatives and see eye to eye, and understand each other. and you know what else? i love love LOVE that he remembers fucking everything i tell him. and not only does he remember, he fuckin asks me about the things i say im going to do when next he sees me. like when i saw him thursday he asked about how LI was for my brothers bday. like a week after i told him. and he asked me if i was psyched for graduation, cos he knew i was graduating friday. and when i repeat myself hes like "oh yah, you were telling me ..." and goes on to repeat what i'd said before. sometimes i feel like hes asking me what im doing tonight or on my days off so as he will have something to ask me when i see him. and you know what, i suck. like i totally could have asked him this afternoon how that play was last night, but i didnt. i forgot. aaaargh. i will never be adequate, i will forever be INadequate, and i will forever hate my life. ok, this is probably untrue. but i am starting to sweat and thats gross. so i think ill retire into my room. its not as hot when the fan is on. days like today i think if life didnt suck and i wasnt BROKE i could get an air conditioner.. oh wait, no i couldnt bc the fucking fire escape is in my bedroom window. UGH. motherfuckers WANT me to be the hottest pile of sweat in town. grrrr...
sweet dreams.
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