Wednesday, July 22, 2009
it's been forever since last i wrote, no particular reason except that i guess i'm lazy and i don't just sit and blabber like i used to. but i guess i have some blabbering to do, so i will.
man, relationships are a lot of work, and they're really hard, especially when they're real and meaningful. steve and i have decided to move in together in november, and things have gotten so much more intense. for a while i wasn't really thrilled with the relationship, because i'm hyper affectionate and he wasn't at all. so push started to come to shove and we finally sat down and talked about things, and he's been a changed man ever since. he's been very affectionate, we decided to move in together for sure, we've been talking about the future and babies, and having a yard to plant a garden in. all that has been wonderful. we went to my dad's wedding this past weekend and it was really nice, we danced together and i felt so good and loved and all that jazz.. but i still have all these issues and fears. moving in with steve requires me to move to nj so he can keep his meeting schedule and stay sober. i can handle that, but i'm so afraid of this. i have to get a new driver's license, re-register my car, commit to potential disaster if there is a snow storm and i have to get to or from work.. all these things are major commitments. there are two bridges involved in my new commute. i'm giving up the place i love, long island. the place i want to be forever. i'm right where i want to be, i'm near the beach and my family and my friends. i'm going to give that up for him. to be with him. to wake up with him every morning. i feel like that's worth it, but i have so many reservations. he's never told me he loves me. actually, today, when we were arguing, he said he feels like he's been in love with me for a while, but doesn't think that should be thrown around without concern for the effect it will have on others. i don't know what that means. if you love someone, why keep it from them? i need to know he's committed to this. i want to know that we're moving in together with the potential to get married and start a family. i don't want to be the perennial co-habitating couple. i want the firm commitment. i don't need it right now, i just need to know that it's a definite possibility. i need to know that nj isn't our dead end, that he would be willing to consider moving to li in the future..
ugh. my therapist was on vacation this week, and my last session was over the phone since the throgs neck bridge caught fire and made traffic on this island a disaster ever since. and she was away for 2 weeks before that, too. things were really great for those few weeks, but now i need to talk. it's only wednesday, and i have to wait until monday. argh.
ok. i need my bed more than i need to go on and on about how i'm socially retarded and can't be direct with the man i think i'm meant to marry.
goodnight.
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