is it too late to heal?

i woke up so chipper this morning. it's halloween! and i'm over the enigma boy, for good, that's it. i just woke up knowing that he is no good, and i almost feel bad for her. i bet she doesn't even know.. and if she does, i guess i don't feel bad, because anyone who wants to be with someone who cheats and then plays with another girls head for 6 months before returning to the original girl is crazy. CAN'T YOU SEE HOW YR ALL TORN AT THE SEAMS, AND YR BETTER OFF WITHOUT ME? (that was inside, sorry). besides, i'm confident that karma will do all kinds of justice. oh, yr cd's got stolen? that's too bad, you shouldn't have played with me. it may not be direct retribution, you may never know what it feels like to be hurt as badly as you hurt me, but the little things will do. karma always gets you. it's gotten me before, and it sucks, but it feels kinda good to know that it has the potential to destroy him.

... and i think i'd like to tell you just how much i loved you, that's if you'll even speak to me at all ... -inside <3

but you won't. you won't speak to me. i know you said that you won't ever be a dick, and that i can e-mail you or im you or talk to you at shows.. but what does that mean? it meant that you still want nothing to do with me. it was a polite way of telling me to fuck off. it's been three years and i still haven't stopped thinking of you or wishing it could have been different. i try to pretend like i don't still think about everything, that i don't miss the way we were.. i miss you, i miss knowing you, watching snowboard videos, reading comics, playing video games, being kids.. its like everything was so perfect, i trusted you more than i trusted myself, i always felt comfortable with you, i felt at home and this sense of bliss.... yah, we had problems. we argued, we did stupid things to each other. but i always loved you. and that was the problem. it scared me. i didn't understand it, it was so fragile and i went ahead and destroyed it. then you broke up with me. and i deserved it, and i didn't know what to do, but i wanted to forget that it hurt, so i found someone else. i'd sit there and cry, telling him i didn't know why i was crying, but it was always because he wasn't you and i missed you. blah blah blah. i try to make excuses for it all, but it makes no sense. it's gone, it's dead, you hate me. i don't blame you. but i wish it could be different, i wish i could tell you how much i loved you, how much you meant to me, how badly i wanted to believe that yr goal in life was truly to marry me. and i still remember that moment, every single detail of that moment. it was at that very second that i realized how much i loved you. ugh. why am i even thinking about this? seriously. i'm over it, i've been over it. i just wish i still knew you, that you could see how amazing i thought you were, and that we could just hang out and be real. i don't care that you don't have feelings for me anymore, we are different people now, maybe that moment has passed.. but i miss you, i fucking miss you...

oh my god, i have a date saturday night. i have no idea. the guy i met at st marks ale house on friday called me today, and asked if i wanted to do something sat night.. so i said alright. but man, oh man. i don't know how to date, i've never been on a grown up date before, and i dont know what's supposed to happen. plus i have that super crush.. and it just gets worse every day. he held my hand tonight and i was like "awwww" all melty like. i just want to hug him and be like "yr so adorable!" last night he asked me if i thought he lost weight since i met him, and i said no. so he asked if i thought he was too skinny and i was like "hell no" lol i loooove skinny boys. except his belly feels hot. not just skinny but toned and hot and oooh. anyway. i'm going to invite him out with us after work on halloween and maybe he'll come and it'll be a super good time, hanging out in a non work environment. but what about my date? ugh. he seems like a nice guy, but he's such a grown up, and i'm such a fuckin kid. like, what do you talk about on a date? i hope he asks questions.. bc i'm a fuckin loser, and i know i will freeze up and sit there like "uhhh." i definitely have to go sober. maybe i'll drink on the date, if it's like drinks or whatnot, but i have to be able to make sense and be alert, since i think that everyone i meet in a social environment, rather than by chance or through others, is a psycho. but yah. do you talk about past relationships, or why you dont have a significant other on a first date? like should i be prepared to explain that i haven't really dated in a long time, and that i'm kinda afraid to get back into that whole thing.. i mean, i know that work boy has potential, but thats different, i know i like him, and i know i'd like to spend more time with him, but i think it would be easier to have fun with him and see where things go than with this other bar guy. i don't *know* that i like this guy, i don't *know* that i want to get to know him better. but i also don't know that i don't.. ugh. but i really like the work boy, and i really dont know if i should be seeing someone else when i have my mind set on him. AHHH its all collapsing, i have to sleep.

this is it, its the end of the line for me. i've said this so many times but this is the last time i am going to say it. i've always been, from the minute we met, yr escape plan. this girl that amazes you, and you make up all these feelings to go along with it. when there is something wrong with the real girl in yr life, you gravitate to me. but as soon as it begins to slip away, you reject me. you always pass me up, you always choose someone over me. not just this time. you did it with suzanne too. you told me how unhappy you were with her, and how badly you wanted to be with me, and when she let you go, you loved her again. i think that if you could, you would keep me at arms length forever, holding on, imagining that i might still be there to catch you when you fall out of love. BUT I WON'T BE. you had yr chances, and i wasn't the one you wanted when push came to shove. so fuck you, and all of those words you say, those MEANINGLESS EMPTY PHRASES that mean nothing. bad things happen to good people. maybe i'm too trusting. but i'm better off without you, you fucking cheated on her with me, so whats to say that if you had chosen me, you wouldn't have gone behind my back and screwed some other girls? fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.

why do you feel the need to unburden yr misguided affections on me? to tell me i'm amazing, i'm incredible, i'm awesome, when you want to be with someone else? to insist that you only wanted to be with me because you like me, you've always liked me.. but then just apologize. why do you play with my mind and make it feel like i'm going to explode inside? YOU WANT TO BE WITH HER. YOU DON'T LIKE ME, YOU LIKED MY BODY. so what else is new? do you like to pretend that what we had meant something, meant anything, to you? every time that you assert how you still care about me, it makes me feel more like yr making excuses for yrself, to try to redeem what happened. what if i coalesced? what if i caved in and allowed myself to see you? would you be able to sit on the couch with me, and pretend that there is nothing there? GET OUT OF MY HEAD, STOP PLAYING WITH ME... the truth is, i don't trust myself with you. i can't guarentee to myself that if we were to hang out, i wouldn't kiss you back or let things take their course if you tried.
i'm trying to move on, but every time i take a step you reel me back, like you know i'm gravitating away and you want to regain some kind of assurance that if things don't work out with her, i'll give you another chance. but you know what? i'm gonna move on. i'm going to forget you, and have fun with other guys, and be happy on MY TERMS.
lets turn this to a more.. sinister note. halloween is friday. we have big plans.. no HUGE plans. kim and i are working, and we are allowed to dress up, so we are going to be hot, slutty girls. i'm going to be a school girl.. but not a good girl. i'm going to iron my hair and wear a ton of black sparkly eyeliner with a short skirt and knees highs and a tight white shirt with black bra.. that girl who leaves school, immediately lights a cigarette and goes to find trouble.. that rich bitch girl who hates her life and seeks pleasure through being a slut. you know. we haven't quite figured out what kims costume is going to be, but apparently we are in competition to see who can be hotter. who even cares though.. we get prepositioned by our male coworkers for threesomes all the time in our regular uniforms.. imagine the hormones that will rage if we have on short skirts? besides, when one of us looks hot, we both look hot, so it will all be to our advantage. i'm telling you, it will be pure evil. everyone is getting dressed up, im bringing candy and crap like that, so its going to feel like a bizarre quasi halloween party. and i can't wait.

there is so much going on in my head right now, and im struggling to find words to describe the thoughts or the feelings, but there are no ways to express any of it. i hate you, but i miss you, and i feel this incredible connection to you that makes it so hard for me to just let go already. i'm in love with our story, with the movie like aspects, the way it unraveled and then came together. is this another twist in the plot? you tell me you miss me, you sent me a hug yesterday. i miss you too, i really miss you. but i could be in the same room with you, and i'd still miss you. i miss the magic, the electricity i felt as i laid beside you, with my head on yr chest. i felt at peace falling asleep with you, i never felt alone or scared or bored or anything other than light and peaceful. i haven't seen you in a month and half. we haven't fallen asleep together since june. so much time has elapsed yet nothing has changed, it hasn't turned off inside me.. although i try all the time to extinguish the flame i hold for you. i can't even think about seeing you again without this huge, delirious smile taking over my entire face, and the butterflies erupting in my belly. i imagine you coming here and me just smiling and hugging you and watching all my worries melt away, id forget that i hate school and that i'm broke and that i hate my job if you were here. i can't concentrate on anything except bathing in the warmth of delight. but who even knows when our paths will cross again? you are always on the road or at work, and of course making time for her is more priority than spending a night in bliss with me. she must be beautiful, or a fabulous girl. i refuse to believe either, but it must be something......
but maybe these feelings aren't limited to you. maybe they are a product of our history, and the magnetism that has kept us coming back, kept us thinking of each other since the minute we met. ... and if i stop, ever thinking of you, i'll probly choke on the words i never said ... there is no question in my mind that we have an unbelievable connection, and that this saga will never end. i will always have some kind of feelings for you, you will always be a combination of my favorite mistake and the one that got away. but perhaps it can be recreated with another. and even if not, i'll always have the fact that i felt this way once, and thats better than to have never had an indescribable feelings about anyone ever.

happy daylight savings time! i've been awake for about 22 hours right now. last night, antonia and i went to a bar on st marks, and this guy came over and started talking to us, and he liked my studded bracelet, so i got kinda weirded out, bc i heard recently that people who like s&m wear them to signal they want to go home with someone and roll around rough style. i made sure to mention that it was part of my punk rock heritage. but yah, so we met these two guys and they were nice enough, we exchanged numbers. i don't know if he'll call. i won't call him, thats for sure. i only got his number so it would show on my caller id, in case i didnt feel like talking to him when/if he calls. but i dont know. maybe i'll let him take me out to dinner. i am always complaining that i don't get out enough, and that its so hard to meet people, but im soo picky. the guy last night was cute. he was 26, but he was a grown up. he went to law school, and works in law. but thats ambiguous. he could be a paralegal. he didnt say he was a lawyer. but anyway, i automatically kinda dismissed him, bc he wasn't my type, but antonia invited him and his friend to go to another bar with us, and he kept talking to me, and he grew on me a bit. i was also drunk at the time. but maybe i should give him a chance if he calls.
then again, there is the other boy, my not-so-secret crush. we were at work tonight, and the restaurant was closed, and i was hugging him, then he put his arms around me from behind and i leaned back like i was falling and he didnt let me touch the ground. and i trusted that he wouldn't let me hit the ground. its kinda hard for me to trust people, and i trusted him. he told me that we had a lot in common, citing the facts that we were both off wed, thurs and fri, and that we both have tequila in our houses. he has this simple innocence about him. i dont know, then later he asked what i kim and i were doing, and i said we were going to the diner, and he was like "you guys are always eating together," so i accused him of being jealous, and he was like "i am!" he said he is going to come another night. he wants to have chesseburger deluxes. i was like "actually, kim and i will have grilled cheddar, and we'll share a mashed potatoes." but he said "no, i want to have three cheeseburger deluxes" so i had to explain that we don't eat meat.. to which he replied "oh so yr both veggies? you guys have so much in common." it was hilarious. tangent about that.. people constantly mistake kim and i for each other, they call me kim, and her gille, and we call them other bizarre people back. tonight, tessa and sean called us "the wives." they thought it was so cute that "the wives" were "closing together." thats a good joke that goes back to valentines day, when kim and i decided to be valentines bc we had no one else, so she brought me roses to work, and i got her a stuffed frog, and that made the chevy's gossip column, that we were now seeing each other.
so i dont know, men suck, but they are also good, and im really confused. i dont really want to be tied to nyc, i don't have time, i don't want to hurt anyone now or in the long run.. i cant ask the work guy out bc i'd feel bad, not knowing what i want. that would be like mind games if he really likes me. but it easier to let him make a move, and then explain that i like him, but there are all these things.. then it would be more honest. like "i want to have fun with you, but i don't know what i want." then it could be up to him. if i ask him out, then i think it looks like i'm looking for something.. and i might not be. ugh. does everyone feel like this? i mean. i'm also still hung up on my enigma. not really. but i feel like there is a decent chance that if we hung out, we might hook up, even though he's seeing if things can work with HER, and i might be seeing someone else. i don't trust myself with him. like annette in cruel intentions.
im blabbering on and on, its like 4:15am, and its really 5:15 bc of the dst. the sky is reddish right now, and i've been awake wayyyy too long. since 7. i woke up every 15 minutes from 7 till 12.. bc of the combination of antonia taking up my whole bed and me not being able to wake her despite hitting her and saying "bitch, wake up" like seven times, and the baby dancing elephants that live upstairs. there was banging all morning. i'm starting to feel really tired now that im talking about it. i can't believe it's sunday again. i feel like its always sunday, the other days all run together and on sundays i realize the magnamity of the day.. that its sunday again, and that it feels like it was sunday yesterday. every single sunday. my life is flying by this year. sometimes i feel like i'm not making the most of it. maybe i should..
anyway, until then, i will do a crossword puzzle and sleep. xo.

so i'm getting ready to go out and hunt for men with antonia. i've showered and fixed my eyebrows to the best of my availability. i haven't had them waved since august, which is killing me, but i've yet to find someone i like in the city, and i haven't been home on a weekday to go to my lady on long island. i let them get bad. so i had to clean up the edges. they still look terrible, but i'll wear make up and detract attention from that minor detail. right now im wearing hese fabulous green pants from h&m and a teal t-shirt. i want to just wear this. but i must make an effort at my appearance for the evening. so i'm going to wear grey pants with a pin striped black button up. however, this could change to jeans and black button up if my sneakers dont work with my grey pants. they work with my black pin stripe pants, but they are a size 7 and i am a size 4, and they don't have a belt, so they fall off. i feel like i should just wear this or i'll be pretending to be someone i am not. and it's not like i'm looking for someone to bring home and bed tonight, if i meet anyone, i wanna hang out and get to be friends or something before anything else happens. maybe i'll just wear this. i'll consult antonia when she gets here in her hipster outfit lol.
anyway, so ryan and i have decided that we are going to get dressed up and get drunk for alkaline trio, so as better to identify with the lyrics when we are there. i wore my teeth shirt when we saw them in may. with jeans. and i didn't drink. but this time will be different. i have to get some flat mary jane's for the event. i'll wear knee highs and m black pleated skirt, and a white pin stripped shirt for that event. "blue in the face" is on right now. i'm so excited to see them again. i wish it was time, but two weeks remain. i kind of want to listen to bright eyes when this cd is over in approximately one minute.
...and i dont dream since i quit sleeping. and i haven't slept since i met you. and you can't breathe without coughing in daytime, niether can i. so what do you say, yr coffin or mine?...
ok so now im listening to my latest mix cd, that i made several months ago, and haven't listened to in a while. i've been listening to regular cds a lot, which is weird. i usually prefer mixes. against me! are one.. who doesnt love anarchopunk? i certainly do. the people upstairs are making a ton of noise, as usual. i wonder if the people downstairs from me think we are as terrible as they are. its like having baby dancing elephants up there. one day i'm gonna go up there with a gun or something and start screaming "this is unacceptable!!!" its that bad.
antonia just got on the bus, which means she'll be here in like an hour. it would suck if i had to take the bus to the subway. candace does, she takes the B61 to our old stop at Bedford Ave in Williamsburg. i just take the G wherever i go. tonight will be rough, and i think i might have to cave and get money so as we can be taxied home.. i still have to dry my hair and paint a face. haha. smokey eyes for me tonight. she wants to take tequila shots before we leave. im thinking i haven't eaten since like 4pm, so this might be a long night. i can't really afford food and alcohol, so its one or the other ("between a rope and a bottle, and i can tell yr having trouble breathing" sorry for the alkaline interjection..).
oh god, all american rejects "paper heart" just came on, i wanna get up and dance around my apartment, but i don't want to be a baby dancing elephant to the poor people downstairs. so im dancing in my seat. i have no rythym, though. this cd is alphabetical. it has "after the movies" on it, old school dreary cursive woo. now it's "maybe i'll catch fire." so goooood. i mixed up alkaline and all american.. they should have been opposite on the cd. i'm a bad alphabetizer.
maybe more in a bit...

i should totally leave for school, but i feel like procrastinating. i need to go to the computer lab to print out the questions on tonights reading, then i have to go to the library to look through the ny times and find some articles on "the suburban good life." then i must get my traditional thursday evening calzone, and eat it in class. oh and i'm only on page 30 of 273 for the reading, so i guess i'll read on the train and maybe in the library. i'm thinking i might actually be too lazy to go over to the place that has calzones today. it's not on my path, since i have to go to the library. i kind of like this class. its on the post war era, specifically the growth of the american suburb. looking at the 50's is so bizarre, the conformity and stuff that was so emphasized and the retarded midsets of people that pretty much continue to this day...
you know i usually just babble in here, but today im going to say something smart haha. because i am in school mode, and its day time and i dont know. suburbs are only possible because of government aid. pre-WWII, people lived in cities for the most part, because they couldn't afford to buy houses, and there really wasn't a market to build them, plus there wasnt a lot of transportation, so they had to live by their jobs, so there were no suburbs. well there were, but they didnt happen until there was some availabilty of transportation, and they were largely for rich people only, because regular folk couldn't afford to buy a house. so anyway, WWII happens, and the economy goes wartime. industry is converted to accomodate all out war, and general production is halted to allow this. when the war ends, peacetime economy must be revived, but the government still has the ghost of the great depression haunting them. so two things happen: the cold war, and a consumer economy are born. by remaining in a constant state of war, industry must be producing weapons and military machinery, thereby giving people jobs. and by creating a need for products that people don't *really* need, a consumer economy emerged to produce these consumer goods. and then there are private homes, which are also consumer goods, and there arises this huge housing market. but not without the help of Uncle Sam. it was only possible for people to stop renting and start buying because the US government began insuring loan companies, enabling the loan companies and banks to take a risk on people, and loan them the money needed to purchase a home. today (as then), you only need a 30% down payment on a house, which was unthinkable before the war. so basically, the government gave subsidies without the appearance of a subsidy. the growth of so many suburbs was also encouraged by the building of industry in suburbs, rather than cities. and a lot of that industry was military, like southern california. the government put so much money into these military industrial complexes, thereby helping people with jobs and all that jazz. and now you have all these people whining about government aid, and how welfare should stop and how bad a planned economy would be, when in fact, the only reason people can be "middle-class" (and in America, *everyone* is middle class.. that was sarcastic) is because the government gave them all this help. the mortgage on their home is insured by the government. if you default on yr loan, the bank forecloses, you lose yr home and yr credit goes to shit. but the government has to finish paying yr loan, bc they insured it. sucks for you for like seven years or however long that shit stays on yr credit rating, but it doesn't become outstanding debt, and its not like the bank loses.. they get all the payments you made, plus yr home, which they can resell. yr really the one who loses. have i told you lately that i think capitalism is the devil?
anyway. thats my diatribe. nothing else is really going on. i havent heard from my enigma boy, which is good i guess, because i'm healing and i don't have the urge to send him messages every day or really at all anymore. i know i won't see him for a long time, because i am busy and it seems like he's always busy, so.. plus i am distracted by having a crush on the other boy.. but yah, i don't even know. the whole emotional celibacy thing is where it's at. yesterday i was talking to steve, and he told me that he's decided that people aren't meant to have relationships. because even the most stable and perfect relationships can fall apart at the drop of a hat, when you least expect it. and then when people stay together, it's usually because of money or comfort, and one person is usually not as happy as they could be.. like they have a house and kids, or something like that, and they cant afford to risk it by separating.. and then candace said that people hold on to the fact that they loved each other once, and they struggle to rekindle what had felt so good in the past, but it's gone.. so i told him about my policy of emotional celibacy, and he said that was the best course of action. then we went to the coffee shop and read and watched cnn and made fun of it. i used to have the worst crush on him, and sometimes i'm still like "this kid is so smart and astute and amazing," but its more like .. whats the word im looking for .. admiration, rather than adoration. oh, and the punk cover of "total eclipse of the heart" has been modified to steve and i's duet, and it's not gonna be punk, bc he doesn't do yelling. maybe we'll play the punk version on the dates he can't be there. he was like "you can bill it 'with ex-penfold!'" ahaha, that would be cool. penfold was fucking fabulous. i was on punk lyrics the other day looking up songs that meant something to me so i could print the lyrics and put them in my paper journal, as i do, and i saw that they are on there. and i was like "awww, they came so far and now they are gone." last semester, our duet was "i'll stand by you" by the pretenders, and then we were supposed to.. ok, i was supposed to learn the words to "i got you babe," bc it was on his pretenders cd, a duet of chrissie hines (sp?) and the guy from ub40, but then i stopped going to study group, and we lost our car duet times.
ok now i have procrastinated waaay too much and i need to go to school and be an outstanding scholar.. ugh.

i'm happy. today was a pretty good day, kim finally talked to me and apologized and we went to the diner after work with jenna and bugno, which was fun. work was slow and boring, but i got to socialize, which is usually more fun than being busy.
ok. so i totally have a crush. only i'm going to be secretive about it bc i'm lame like that. i talked to kim about it on the subway coming home, and she was laughing at me, she was like "i was waiting for you to say something!!" he's kinda adorable, and funny, and i dont know, just adorable. there are so many things that are totally holding me back, but i will see what happens. i really don't want to get involved with anyone right now, bc i want to move in august, and i don't want anything to tie me down to nyc. i so need to get out of here, its been almost SIX YEARS, and i need a change of scenery. i mean, i left manhattan for booklyn, but i still work in manhattan, and even though i go to jersey two nights a week, its newark, which is just like being in nyc.. and i don't wanna put myself out there, and i don't want things to get weird if it doesnt work out, because i think this kid is rad, and i don't want things to become awkward. kim was telling me i should ask him out, but i so don't want to make the first move. i can't even imagine the idea of rejection right now, i think it would totally bruise my ego, even though all signs point to he likes me. he's always like "thats my heart" and points to my tattoo, and gives me good hugs, and other silly things.. the other day he asked if i had a boyfriend, and i was like "blaaaahhh" and i waved my hand. he's like two and a half years younger than me though, which is totally weird to me, but then chaz was a year and a half younger than me, and at least he's 21, cos then we can go out hahaha. and he's tall, which is goooood, i haven't dated a tall boy since fuckin 1996, kurt was the last tall boy. but anyway i need to keep my head straight about this, bc i soo don't have time for a boyfriend, working five days and going to school the other two. i don't know though, maybe i should just have fun. would that even be possible? to explain this all to him, and then potentially break his heart when i leave or when i realize that this isn't the time for me to be involved in something that requires time and energy and care? i guess it's all up to fate.....

blah blah blah. i left my house in such a good mood today. i did laundry, and i took a shower and i smelled all clean and good and it made me feel so happy. i was in a really good mood at work, too. it's funny, whenever i'm in a super good mood, my tables hit on me. but tonight there were these two guys, probably in their early thirties.. and one of them said i looked so much better with my hair down. and i didn't know if it was a compliment, if it was it was bizarre, but anyway. then he kept saying stuff that was corny, and finally they paid and i went back for the credit card voucher after a while, and he had written on a napkin: "i love you! [his number] - david" i wasn't going to call him, but i lost the napkin. i kept it out of my back pack because i wanted to show victor on the way out, but it somehow got lost in transit from upstairs. first of all, i can't even imagine why he felt a need to tell me "i love you." because to me, those aren't words you just throw around.. i don't know if i went into this at all when i was talking about rene the other day, but i dont know, rene tells me he loves me ALL THE TIME, and i'm like "you don't even know me, how could you POSSIBLY love me?!" it bothers me. it really, really bothers me.
because love is this weird thing that is so .. i dont know, just its not something that should be used so lightly, to someone you don't know, to the girl who took your order and brought yr drinks. in my life, i've told seven boyfriends i loved them. the first was mark, and he was my first boyfriend, and it was puppy love. john and kenny were mistakes, they said it and i didn't know what to say back, so i said it and then broke up with them. rich.. i loved him as a person, but we weren't in love.. the same with nick, i loved him, but i wasn't in love with him. i only told him like three times, and he never told me he loved me. and chaz. but i meant it with him, i was in love with him, and i know from a variety of ways, but i screwed that up and i did such a good job that he wants nothing to do with me. and i guess there was joe in high school, who i said i love you to, and i thought i meant it, but i dont know, i dont know if i was in love or if it was just infatuation. but i don't think i ever want to be in love again. okay, i totally do, im such a liar. but it's so fragile. it was so easy to destroy, and you don't even realize it because you are so scared of it. maybe i was too immature to be in love when i was 20, and thats why i sabotaged it. but this is a tangent..
but anyway, it kind of bothered me that he left that note, it disturbed me. otherwise, work was good. i hung out with victor for most of the night, he said he wanted to see kill bill, and i said i wanted to see texas chainsaw massacre. so he was like "ok, we'll watch kill bill." i laughed and i said "nope, texas chainsaw massacre." so he conceded. yay i won. we didnt watch anything, though. i was leaving and i ran into candace outside work so i went home with her. she had gone to see gypsy and walked by to see if she could see me inside, and i was at the door talking to victor, so they lurked outside. also, gabe said he was going to take me on a date to the movies this week. he goes like 4x a week, and i was saying i never go to the movies (for the reasons i've already talked about), and he was like "well, if i invite you, i'll pay!" so i was like wooooo! i was saying goodbye, and i was telling him that antonia and i are going out friday night to meet boys, and he was saying that we were going to meet guys to hook up, but i could just hook up with him.. and i was like "yah, i think i'll find a guy without a girlfriend.." you know what, i'm SO horrible at relating stories. the dialogues that take place are so much better than i tell them. anyway. I WANT COCOA PEBBLES. i shall eat them now.

i cant sleep. its warm, its cold. im trying not to think about you, but you keep pushing back into my mind, keeping me awake and drowning. remember the night that i played "hands down" right before you left? and i told you that it was everything you made me feel the week before. i'd felt that somehow he'd written that song with the anticipation of it meaning so much to me.. it captured everything so perfectly.. "breathe in for luck, breathe in so deep this air is blessed you share with me this night is wild so calm and dull, these hearts they race from self control. yr legs are smooth as they graze mine, we're doing fine, we're doing nothing at all." as we held back from what we wanted so badly because it was the right thing to do.. although yr legs werent smooth. but.. "my hopes are so high that yr kiss might kill me, so won't you kill me, so i die happy.. my heart is yrs to fill or burst, to break or bury, or wear as jewelry, whichever you prefer.." and it was true, i felt it all in that very instant, while i laid beside you on the couch making faces at you, and burying my face in yr chest, asking if you were still mad at me while rubbing yr belly.. "and you kissed me like you meant it. and i knew that you meant it, that you meant it..." and i thought you did. i guess i knew deep down that you didnt really mean it, and that it was all so silly of me to have these unrealistic hopes for six years of history to come together at last. we stood in my living room as we listened to it, and you looked at me smiling, glowing.. and you kissed me like you meant it. again. in front of candace. and i walked you out, and you kissed me again and again, and you told me you were going to listen to that song again on yr way home. i felt so good that night, everything was okay, it was finally our turn. but i gave you all those choices of what exactly to do with my heart, and you chose to break it. or maybe you wore it as jewelry before you finally decided on breaking it.. and somehow hands down turned into "seamless".. "i still remember, lying on the couch, my one arm falling numb. the other with a little much to do, yr breath on my neck made me lose my concentration..made me lose my concentration. i dont think we even got through the movie i dont think we even got to my room. .. if i could see [your] face, what it would tell me, is moments like this never last. i wish this was seamless, that there was no pain. there is no way. why do we do what we do, why do we do what we do.. i'll still remember.." its like these people write the soundtrack of my life. because the story has changed into "3 libras".. "difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed and passed over, when ive looked right through to see you naked and oblivious, and you don't see me. but i threw you the obvious just to see if there's more behind the eyes of a fallen angel, eyes of a tragedy. here i am expecting just a little bit too much from the wounded. but i see, see through it all, see through and see you. cause i threw you the obvious to see what occurs behind the eyes of a fallen angel, eyes of a tragedy. oh well. oh well, apparently nothing. apparently nothing at all. you don't, you don't, you don't see me.. you don't see me at all." because i was passed over, and i am disappointed, and you dont see me, you dont..
what if i didnt obsess over song lyrics as i do? would i be the same girl, would i be the same intensely emotional child who identifies with all kinds of lyrics that push and propel me into this never ending mire of insanity that i create with the words of others? could i feel without others instructing me on what i felt, without stealing everything i feel and putting it into more eloquent lines? it's funny. alkaline trio: "you know all of my favorite singers have stolen all of my best lines." grade: "those singers always know just what to say." maybe it's not just me. maybe there is a whole army of people who feel through the experience of others and incorporate words and phrases to mean so much to them. even the title of this journal is a thursday lyric.
and then i get so possessive of my bands, of my music, and i get so mad when i think people dont deserve cursive or thursday or alkaline trio or grade or dashboard. these bands have said so much that means so much to me, and i cant imagine sharing them with people who aren't good enough, who didn't have those experiences that made the songs mean the world to me. i want them for myself, i don't want to share. "the places you have come to fear the most" was the song of our apartment last year, it was ours, we shared it, candace and stef and i. it was us, it was the ok on the outside image that we had all perfected and made the anthem of 166 s. 3rd. and then we moved, and now its just candace and i, and "good mourning" has become our soundtrack, its what we listen to when we're being outstanding scholars, or we're sad, or we just want to hear "blue in the face" because its beautiful and acoustic and perfect.. maybe i'm just crazy. maybe i need a happy song to fall asleep to. i'll try..
so stay out of my thoughts for now, ok, because i'm moving on, and i'm through with being the other girl turned into the replacement that wasn't quite enough.. and i'm through with allowing you to keep me at arms length, with having me there just in case things with the her in your life fall apart. YOU. DONT. DESERVE. ME.

meh. kim and i are still fighting.. for lack of a better word. cos we're actually not *fighting* but things are not okay. last week i said that she'd stood me up.. so i saw her at work the next day and she kind of avoided me in the locker area, then she was like "i have to talk to you." so ok. during our shift everything was alright, we were friendly, but we def weren't friends. we were both in the bathroom after our shift, and she said she wanted to call me that night to talk to me. so i said ok, and she never called. and she still hasn't called. its like the sixth night in a row. we both worked this morning, and we were friendly again, but also not friends. i mean, we were friends, it wasn't like we were strangers, but we also weren't talking like we usually do. its hard to explain. we weren't talking about anything that wasn't superficial, and we weren't talking often. i pointed out a mullet at the bar, and then i pointed out some guy who had plumbers crack showing.. and we laughed about customers. but we didn't talk about us or our lives, which is usually all we talk about. or boys. it was kinda funny though, bc i was feeling silly this morning, and i decided to start scandal. so i told everyone that since both kim and walter were late, they were sleeping together. then they walked in like seconds apart, and i was like "SEE!!!" when she got there, people told her, and she started telling everyone that walter and i have secret appointments in the elevator. that was pretty funny, bc i was mad at him today, and i got in the elevator to get some guac, and he got in too, and everyone was pointing. i was trying sooo hard not to laugh bc i was trying to keep a mean face in the elevator. it made work fun. there would be random notes all in the side stations, like "gille + walter." but getting back to the original deal here.. so i guess this kid chris said something to kim about our falling out, and she told him that she wants to apologize and talk to me, but that shes scared to. which i understand, bc she hates confrontation, but at the same time, the longer she waits to call and be like "you know, what i'm sorry," the more i think she doesn't really care. it's hard, bc we fought back in may, and it was kinda the first time we argued, and she didnt know that when im upset i shut off and have nothing to say, and took it as silent treatment, and there was stuff going on that she didn't tell me about, and blah blah it all boiled down to a lot of miscommunication.. but she told me that she would have just walked away had i not emailed her like "ok what the fuck?" because she finds it easier to walk away rather than face confrontation. that makes it hard for me, bc i have nothing to apologize for, and there is no reason for me to call her and talk about things. this is her time. i guess chris said that she told him she was sorry, and that she is going to call me.. he was like "you know her, you know its hard." and i do, but like i said.. i'm not mad, nor was i mad, but i get mad when i realize that its taken her a week to let me know whats going on with her, why she stood me up.. why she hasn't called even though she said she wanted to talk. whatever though. there is nothing i can do right now.
the yankees are about to win game 2. so i shall watch the rest of the game, and then perhaps i'll watch say anything, which i rented with candace last night. i wonder if she's coming home. they turned the heat on today! YAY! goodnight.

i'm saying goodbye to you tonight. i'm closing this chapter of my life. i'm letting go because there is nothing left, you sucked me dry of everything i could possibly feel for you. it just sort of melted away, and here i am, feeling like some huge thing has been lifted. i could have been the girl of yr dreams. i guess you'll never know.
goodbye. goodbye.

i'm really tired. really really tired. except my body knows its not time yet. every time i try to go to bed early, i wake up constantly. and i'm tired the next day. so i just have to stick it out for like another hour or two, and then maybe i can sleep a peaceful eight hours.
for now, i shall watch everybody loves raymond. and babble. though i haven't got much to say. i'm feeling somewhat (repeat: somewhat) financially secure right this second. i have like $100 in cash to deposit, plus checks, and i've been budgeting so well that with my rutgers pay coming back now, i have extra money. i went to sephora today bc my eyeliner is almost gone, and they are out. so i got my face wash (woo!) instead. i checked the heard candy webpage, and they, too, are sold out of my color. boo! and it's BLACK!! thats the most basic eye liner color, they need to hurry up and make more. NOW.
i was joking with kj today at work, and i said it was funny that my clothes are all salvation army and six years old, but my make up is designer. if you ask me what my face wash is, i'm gonna say anna sui. thats like the louis vuitton (sp?) of cosmetics, considering most people buy their face wash at the drugstore and its like nivea or olay. it makes me giggle a little. here i am, little anti-corporate, anti-capitalist gille wearing anti-market clothing and super profit make up. but whatever. i'm a sucker for skin care. anyway i also splurged and got some fabulous smelling candles this week, and i am thinking about going to h&m for some fall/winter clothes after this weekend. i have to figure out how much i have right now, and project my tips so i can figure how much i'll have left after rent. i hate paying rent. it bothers me that i'm paying all this money and its really just a waste. i own nothing at the end, its money that completed it's cycle with me. i earned it and lost it to my landlord. it didn't convert to goods, only services with no long term benefit. this is why i don't go to the movies. i can't justify spending $10 to sit lifelessly in front of a screen for 2 hours. it's the most passive thing in the world, i have nothing to show for my $10, save for a ticket stub, i don't leave any smarter than when i entered.. i can see spending money on clothes, bc i spend $50 on a pair of jeans and wear them for six years.. so really i'm spendling what amounts to less than $10 a YEAR on them. but now i'm getting way too far into my economics. the economics of my insanity..
my back hurts, as it does most days. i really need a desk. sitting on the couch with my computer on a tv dinner tray is not workinng out, considering that i cant sit up straight and its bad posture, plus i stand at work all day.. i shall depart.

"so many lighters have gone through my life, i think about them sometimes and try not to cry.. leaving them everywhere, all throughout the years, since the first cigarette left me coughing in tears..
i dont know why i feel like i should know why i cant hold them and where did they go, i dont know why im livin this way, disorganized and comprimising, trapped in my brain..
i went down to my old school the other day, i saw my old friends and had nothing to say. i grabbed a cigarette to play off the stress, but my lighter was gone and my pocket a mess.
i dont know why i feel like i should know why i cant hold them and where did they go, i dont know why im livin this way, disorganized and comprimising, trapped in my brain..
so many people have through my life, i think about them sometimes, and try not to cry." "lighters" by plow united.

i don't want to be a good friend anymore. i'm kind of tired of being dependable and all that crap, bc no one is ever dependable for me. kim and i were supposed to go shopping today and i had to get the alkaline tickets, so i called her at noon, and she said she'd take a shower and call me back in 15 minutes. but she never called me back. even if she fell back asleep or something, she still hasnt called to explain or anything. maybe its just hard wired in humans to suck, or to flake, and i just haven't figured it out yet. maybe i'll start turning my back on people or flaking on them at the last minute or standing them up. so now i have to go tomorrow, which is okay but it will kind of make my day more crammed to have to go to irving to get the tickets. whatever its not like im gonna hate her forever or probably be mad past when i see her at work tomorrow, but i feel like its so easy for people to walk out of other peoples lives. and i'm guilty of it, too. i've left people in the past, i've walked out on people and i've let friendships fall into disrepair. it makes me sad sometimes, to think about all the people that have gone through my life. sometimes i remember people i had completely forgotten, and i wonder where they are, what they are doing. but i'm not at all motivated to persue rekindling a friendship or anything. there are people that i've attempted to keep in touch with, but i dont know. i live in brooklyn, and i don't have a car. i can't hang out with people like i used to when i was mobile and had a lot of time. there are so many people that i really connected with and had a lot of fun with and got to know really well that have just passed out of my life. like the port jeff kids. every time i drive past the benches in the port jeff village, i think about the summer of 1997, when we went bowling every night and sat on the benches. or the summer of 1998, when i spent every night in seaford, hanging out in chris' basement, going to shows, going to diners. chris cleaning out my car by throwing like twenty snapple bottles out my window at like 60 mph.. or even the freshman year crew. going on missions with tom, dennis, steve, sean, al and adam.. wandering around the city, my first walk over the brooklyn bridge, the keg party, my radio show, "give me some corpse," the debut of the quote book, "if we make the mac and cheese together, it'll be like having two minds." the night that chaz came as a pre-freshman, and we were going to get him drunk, but juli didn't feel good so i went back with her instead. the ninth floor kegs, the night sean and i got all dressed up and sat in the lounge to watch tv all night.
then there are people i think about that i was so close to. like chris, who i barely speak to anymore, just bc we never have time. or tom, whose girlfriend doesnt like him being friends with me. he was like my best friend freshman and sophomore years, i thought we would always be friends.. i remember one night freshman year, tom did something and i dont remember what happened, but i told him i was boycotting him. i was in steves room, and he called and he was like "do you have gille?" and i hid under the bed when he came in to see if i was there. it was really funny. he meant a lot to me, but it fell apart. or this girl dina i met when i was in high school. i met her on prodigy, we were trading hole tapes or something, and we decided to hang out because she had known my boyfriend at the time when they were small, and we were instantly best friends. we hung out all the time, we modified punk rock songs to fit each other. mine for her was westons "heather lewis," which i changed the lyrics to "dina fraioli, tell me why you have to live do far away." hers for me was the queer's "punk rock girls," which she changed the lyrics to "gille's my only punk rock girl." i called her in the middle of the night one day and i said "dina. sometimes the peanut gets abducted from my peanut m&m" and she was like "aw, i love you gille." but we both went away to school, and we didnt really connect before we left. i ran into her sophmore year, at the cure concert. she was in line right in front of me, and we were talking.. but it was awkward, and weird, and we said we'd keep in touch, but i dont know what happened. or cher and beth, who i hung out with all the time and then it just fell into disrepair. and the bizarre ones.. like this girl jenn i hung out with my junior year of high school all the time, we went to shows together, and hung out all the time, and then all the sudden we stopped hanging out.
or boyfriends. like chaz, who i was with for over a year, and we had so much fun all the time, and we broke up and things fell apart. it always boggles my mind why i dont stay friends with my exes. its like we spent so much time together, that its weird that we can't even talk. it used to bother me that nick and i weren't able to stay friends after two years and so much shit we went through together. but then at the same time, i think that it was a terrible time and it makes sense that we aren't friends. neither of us were happy for so long, but i clung to him for a few reasons.. because i needed someone, since everything was hard. i think that maybe if we had broken up for real any of the times we broke up for a few days, then maybe we would have been able to stay friends. but we dragged it out too long, and we grew to hate each other. he made me feel badly about myself, and i was so miserable that it was bad. but then again, i went into that relationship unhappy, bc i was trying to replace someone else. he used to refer to himself as just a rebound, and i denied it bc i really didnt think he was, but at the same time, i knew that i was still in love with someone else. and it bothered me that i'd destroyed the best thing that ever happened to me, and that i wasn't finding it there, though i wanted to. but i think i grew to hate him because he didn't make it go away, and it didn't make me feel the same as i had previously. who knows what happened. i don't really care, because i feel like i'm much happier without him telling me what a terrible girl i was all the time, but i feel like two years of my life were wasted with someone who i cant even be friends with today.
ok this is turning into some manifesto, and i am going to bed. goodnight.

i had a really good weekend. friday night was work, bleh, but not too bad. saturday i worked as well, but then i went to long island to go to my dads house. we had birthday cake for nick (my step brother), then my bro and i went to applebee's with his girlfriend and her brother. on the way home, my brother was listening to rancid, and he told me that he had forgotten how much he loved punk, so i was like "don't forget your roots!" H2O style-y (how 1997 of me), and then we listened to h2o and waved our fingers all hardcore-like. it was a lot of fun.. i told him "i know i raised you better than for you to forget yr punk rock roots!" sometimes i wish it was still 1997, and that shows were still good.. but i don't know, its weird now. bands like the movielife and the glassjaw and brand new and taking back sunday.. i used to know those kids, i used to hang out with them all the time. i went to the movielife's first show, i have their first t-shirt (which i still wear bc its red and i like red), and their first demo, which i made jamie gates listen to senior of high school all the time. when i was in cali three years ago, my friends boyfriend was listening to the glassjaw and i was like.. "WHAT? you live in berkeley, how do you know this band??" then last summer i was sitting on nicks couch and i saw their video. it was bizarre. then last week i was watching carson or something, and brand new were on! i was like.. i KNOW THESE KIDS AAAAAH. and kim said that she was watching mtv and matt pinfield said that long island is the next seattle and i wanted to die laughing. maybe i should start going to shows again. hahaha.
anyway, so i watched discovery channel all night.. it's times like those where i realllly wish we could get cable. but alas, no funds. anyway so i woke up this morning, and i put on my h2o shirt for shits and giggles.. and my momma took us apple picking at lewins farm, and then we got some pumpkins. we went home and we made 3 apple pies and a peach pie. i had a lot of fun. antonia came by for dinner, we went to my dads house, where he bugged me about getting my shit together so i can be certified on time to apply for teaching jobs in december. so he made me mad, and we went back to my mothers to have pie (it was soo good, i think i should just drop everything and be a mom, i love being domestic all the sudden).
i'm going to roseland tomorrow to get our alkaline tickets.. candace and i are going. i guess john and ryan and murty want to go also, but they havent given me money and i can't afford to get a shitload of tickets. i feel bad, i should totally get murty a ticket bc he gave me his when we went to see them in may.. since i got robbed by a scalper and he felt bad.. but i dunno. i be brizoke.
anyway so im out now. i have to .. well, i don't have anything to do, being that it's 130 am. but. i dont know, i should maybe write in my real journal, bc im thinking about the boy that i am not supposed to think about, and i must remind myself about the new policy of emotional celibacy.. adios.

i feel so peaceful right now, like some weight has been lifted from me. i was riding the train home from school, and all the sudden i remembered doug. this kid i met in 1998, and i totally fell for, because i thought we were so alike.. i thought that since both of our favorite soda was coke (but it had to be from the can), and we both smoked marlboro reds, we must have been meant to be. i was so hung up on this kid, i thought it would eventually work out. but it didn't, and i moved on. and i forgot about him. so i guess i feel really hopeful right now. that sometimes (ok always) i'm wrong in my choices of guys, but i always move on. i've been clinging on to you for so long now, bc i feel like you are the male version of me, and because we have so much in common. but in reality, that means nothing, and i'm hung up on something so unrealistic. but i will get over it. and i am. maybe it was a little harder this time, bc there was a lot more to it, but its been a week now, and each day i am thinking of you less and less.
i talked to mark last night, and i guess we started talking about love at first sight, and i told him i didnt believe in it.. and then i remembered this boy. it was maybe a month ago, and i was leaving work really late. i walked down the subway stairs to the ACE platform at 42nd St, and as i was going i met the eyes of this kid, crouching by a pole, with messy hair and a lip ring. and black dress pants with a white dress shirt, but messy like. and i couldnt take my eyes away, it was so weird, i felt to connected to this kid that i'd never seen before, nor will i probably ever see again. and we finally both looked down but i looked up and it happened again. he was with a girl though, not like id have gone over there anyway.. it appeared that they were either not together, or that she was mad at him. and they got on the uptown A.. i had to wait for the E to queens. but i thought about getting on the train.. i didn't. and mark says i'll probably meet up with him at some other time in life, and i joked that maybe we knew each other in a past life. but yah, it was a bizarre experience.
anyway. im waiting for john to get here, i'm really bored. maybe candace will be home soon. time for the crossword..

i'm thinking about adam tonight. i'm still so angry. its funny, i have that same urge to address this to him, as i did to someone else the other day. but i'm going to work on that, and not talk to him, but rather to my anonymous audience. he jumped off the roof of our building two days before we graduated college. no one had any idea. he didnt leave a note, we didnt understand why until all of his secrets came unravelled... i'm still so angry.. because i feel like i put up with so much shit, and there is always a way to make it better, i feel like i have been through enough in my life to know that it can't all be bad all the time, and i wish that he could have seen that too. i feel like i did something wrong by not helping him to be strong. and it was so selfish, to take yrself away from us like that. we didnt deserve it, we didnt deserve to sit and cry for hours bc you were sad. because you thought that it was horrible and that there was no more chances to make it all work for yrself...
i give up. i can only express emotion when talking directly to the person. so im going to stop trying to fight it.
today i have decided that i'm turning over a new leaf. i'm forgetting a lot of things, im moving on from a bad time in my life. i'm going to concentrate on whats to come, bc even though i hate school, i'll be done in 8 months and if i concentrate on that, it's ok. ill have a MASTERS for the love of god. i'll be a teacher, and i'll get a cat, and then my life can fall into place.
and then the subject of boys. i'm over them too. i'm going back into celibate mode, and not just sexually, but also emotionally, i'm gong to be EMOTIONALLY celibate! which works for me, bc then i can concentrate on school and making money to pay my bills, and. well, nothing else, really. bc i don't have time for anything else. i dont have time for boys. i can't even make time, so there. I DONT NEED NO FUCKIN LOVE!!

blah tonight. work was really funny, but also really dead and i made no money at all. but i made it fun, as usual. ok, so there is this busboy, rene, and he tells me loves me all the time, and i tell him that he doesnt even know me, let alone love me. but he always asks me "why you won't try me?" and i'm like "ugh rene." so. i had no tables for a while and i was randomly riding the elevator up and down. a bunch of times, i happened to get in with the food runner, walter. so rene got jealous, and accused me of having "secret appointments in the elevator with walter." apparently he had been monitering my elevator use, and took note that a lot of the time, it was with walter. he spread this "scandal" around to everyone working. but he was legitimately running food, and taking the elevator back to the kitchen. it just happened that we'd get in there together. then we really started having secret appointments. we'd go in and hold hands in front of rene, and ride it up and then back down together. it was funny.
then i went to the diner with gabe and ate some mashed potatoes, and then i took a taxi home.
and then i thought of you, and i guess it made me laugh a little, bc i was reading my entry from yesterday and i realized that i kept you a secret, and that probably very few people even know who i was talking to. and its also funny that i talk to you, like you might actually see this. it's silly how we all talk to people like they might hear us, or write like they might read it. who knows maybe you'll stumble upon this. i'd probably be embarassed.
i have to go to school early tomorrow, so i guess maybe i should sleep but i will amuse myself with a crossword puzzle first. must stimulate brain...

im trying not to think about you. but every time my minds stops concentrating on thinking of other things, you drift back. you interrupt my reading, you haunt me all the time.
you saw her yesterday. and i wonder if it was fun, if you fell in love again, if you watched a movie and made out, if she was as soft as me, if you missed me..
flash back to 1997.
i met you in some obscure way, and we had a story. you had a crush on me from the minute you saw me. we talked on the phone. we hung out. you omitted that there was a "her." i fell for you. i found out about her. we stayed friends. on the phone all night, you asking me to keep talking so you could fall asleep to the sound of my voice. paging me at 3 am "it's 3 o'clock -- love you." sitting on yr steps all night, you telling me you wanted to be with me, you wished it were me, you loved me. you loved me. what did that mean? doing headstands on my bedroom floor, reading ym and laughing. the kiss in my neck. despite the fact that you stood me up one night, bc you were scared to call me and tell me you couldn't hang out. and all the times you told me you loved her, and you loved me. always keeping me at arms length. just in case.
fast forward. you call me and tell me that she broke up with you bc of me. and yr distraught, yr lost and lonely without her. you need some time. but by now, i'm over the game, and im destroyed by the fact that yr chosing her over me. yr telling me goodbye to get her back. and i tell you off, and i walk away. you page me "i miss you," and i dont call. i see you at shows, and i look away. then one day i decide to call you back, and you want to be friends, you want to make things work. but i never hear from you again. i see you at inside, and i guess i was mean to you. you were with her. i put you out of my mind, and i stop thinking that i could fix this, that i could fix us. and i move on.
august 2002. my brother calls to report that someone left a note on my car. he reads the note to me: "i think this is yr car, or at least it used to be yr car, and this is where you lived. i was driving by and i thought of you. i dont know if you still hate me, but if you want to talk, this is my email..." i dont know what to do. the pain and anger and hurt come back, but at the same time im smiling bc you meant the world to me for a minute there. so i send you email. we start talking again, you come to my apartment and we get pizza and talk and then we head back to my place to listen to music, while you unravel a paperclip and give it to me (i still have it.) you look at my zine, and you read through it, asking "did you write this about me?" i lie and say no. i see you again in february. we get pizza, and i agree to come see you play. it falls through. but this time yr visits become more frequent. watching movies, laughing..
but then it starts again. you call me up and you tell me "im sort of seeing someone." upon further pressing, you admit that you have a girfriend whom you have been with for 3 years. but you want to be friends. i coalesce. then you cancel at the last minute when im supposed to go to PA with yr band. you tell me "i feel really bad." and i say "yah, well you have a history of feeling really bad." and steve tells me i should just end this here. i know i should, but im compelled to let you destroy me again. you want to make it up to me, you come over, you take me out to dinner and we watch 8 Mile. your hand finds mine, and our fingers dance around each other for a while before we decide it might be ok just to hold hands. i get up to use the bathroom and i come back and yr lying on the couch.. so i lay with you. "yr so tempting..." you say, as you lean in and kiss me.. and then "why didnt we do this 5 years ago?" i feel all tingley, and i cant stop even though i know you have a girlfriend. and then it gets tricky. you start this again... "im not happy with her, and i want you.." or "i caught some feelings.." or "im not in love with her, and i think yr amazing.." but are you gonna break up with her? you come back the next week, i make dinner, we watch a movie and make out. im so torn, and we talk, and its sad. you dont know what you want, really. you wish things could work with her.
i should have walked away.
but i didnt. and you broke up with her. and the first thing you did was start spending more time with me. but you dont want a girlfriend, you dont want to be tied down. so i play this game, and i let you cancel on me when we got tickets to see anthrax, i let you let me down time after time.. we talk and its clear that im hurt, and we decide to revert to just friends, and thats clearly impossible. you send me messages every morning, "good morning beautiful" "good morning sexy." you tell me that you havent been this happy in you dont know how long, and that nothing is bothering you, not even the $50 ticket you got when you parked illegally across the street. i spent $100 to visit you in CT, and then i dont see you for 2 months.
everything falls apart.
but im working on getting over you, when you send me a message to let me know yr thinking about me and i lose it. and a few more weeks go by before i decide to send you a message, telling you to have fun on tour. and you MISS ME, you want to see me immediately, so you stop by for 2 hours on the day yr leaving for tour. then you send me a message from the road telling me you miss me. i still dont know what that meant, or why you said it. maybe you meant to send it to her. you sent it to me on accident.
but you come home and you are in no hurry to see me. and when you finally do, its on yr way to the city, after youve overslept and you effectively spend 3 hours with me. and it falls apart some more. the messages have stopped. you blow me off. you cancel on me, and then you tell me yr hanging out with her on sunday. are you trying to work things out with her? you avoid my question. i ask again. "i need to know this."
you are.. you didnt want to be tied down? you didnt want to be tied down to ME. clearly. you use all this double talk to explain to me how having someone there doesnt mean yr tied down, and that yr a bad person for giving us a chance when you missed someone else and blah blah blah. it was never any different. youve always kept me right there, but when it comes down to it, im so dispensible to you. i'm not sure you know what you want. i'm not sure you have at all figured that out. because you missed me when i wasn't talking to you in july, and you had to get in touch with me. but you missed her too. and i guess you spent time falling in love with her, when all you really wanted from me was to fulfill six years worth of fantasies. you can turn yr back on me, you can pass me over with such ease. its almost graceful. i said almost.
maybe you'll fall in love all over again.
i wonder if you'll miss me..

so you want to be with her. the girl you left bc she made you miserable, and because she held you back.

well, i hope you both catch fire.

its late.. well. i guess it isn't really. i just didn't know how to start. i'm watching ex-treme dating, which is soo quality programming.
work was ok tonight. boring, it was dead. good people were there though.
i feel like i have lost all of my eloquence tonight. its really freakin cold in my apartment, the wind is blowing off the river and its very chilly. there is a commercial on, and in it, a phone keeps ringing, constantly. it was such a bad idea. no one wants to listen to a phone ringing obnoxiously.
ok,well my fingers are like falling off, maybe i should find my gloves.
xo