is it too late to heal?

i cant sleep. its warm, its cold. im trying not to think about you, but you keep pushing back into my mind, keeping me awake and drowning. remember the night that i played "hands down" right before you left? and i told you that it was everything you made me feel the week before. i'd felt that somehow he'd written that song with the anticipation of it meaning so much to me.. it captured everything so perfectly.. "breathe in for luck, breathe in so deep this air is blessed you share with me this night is wild so calm and dull, these hearts they race from self control. yr legs are smooth as they graze mine, we're doing fine, we're doing nothing at all." as we held back from what we wanted so badly because it was the right thing to do.. although yr legs werent smooth. but.. "my hopes are so high that yr kiss might kill me, so won't you kill me, so i die happy.. my heart is yrs to fill or burst, to break or bury, or wear as jewelry, whichever you prefer.." and it was true, i felt it all in that very instant, while i laid beside you on the couch making faces at you, and burying my face in yr chest, asking if you were still mad at me while rubbing yr belly.. "and you kissed me like you meant it. and i knew that you meant it, that you meant it..." and i thought you did. i guess i knew deep down that you didnt really mean it, and that it was all so silly of me to have these unrealistic hopes for six years of history to come together at last. we stood in my living room as we listened to it, and you looked at me smiling, glowing.. and you kissed me like you meant it. again. in front of candace. and i walked you out, and you kissed me again and again, and you told me you were going to listen to that song again on yr way home. i felt so good that night, everything was okay, it was finally our turn. but i gave you all those choices of what exactly to do with my heart, and you chose to break it. or maybe you wore it as jewelry before you finally decided on breaking it.. and somehow hands down turned into "seamless".. "i still remember, lying on the couch, my one arm falling numb. the other with a little much to do, yr breath on my neck made me lose my concentration..made me lose my concentration. i dont think we even got through the movie i dont think we even got to my room. .. if i could see [your] face, what it would tell me, is moments like this never last. i wish this was seamless, that there was no pain. there is no way. why do we do what we do, why do we do what we do.. i'll still remember.." its like these people write the soundtrack of my life. because the story has changed into "3 libras".. "difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed and passed over, when ive looked right through to see you naked and oblivious, and you don't see me. but i threw you the obvious just to see if there's more behind the eyes of a fallen angel, eyes of a tragedy. here i am expecting just a little bit too much from the wounded. but i see, see through it all, see through and see you. cause i threw you the obvious to see what occurs behind the eyes of a fallen angel, eyes of a tragedy. oh well. oh well, apparently nothing. apparently nothing at all. you don't, you don't, you don't see me.. you don't see me at all." because i was passed over, and i am disappointed, and you dont see me, you dont..
what if i didnt obsess over song lyrics as i do? would i be the same girl, would i be the same intensely emotional child who identifies with all kinds of lyrics that push and propel me into this never ending mire of insanity that i create with the words of others? could i feel without others instructing me on what i felt, without stealing everything i feel and putting it into more eloquent lines? it's funny. alkaline trio: "you know all of my favorite singers have stolen all of my best lines." grade: "those singers always know just what to say." maybe it's not just me. maybe there is a whole army of people who feel through the experience of others and incorporate words and phrases to mean so much to them. even the title of this journal is a thursday lyric.
and then i get so possessive of my bands, of my music, and i get so mad when i think people dont deserve cursive or thursday or alkaline trio or grade or dashboard. these bands have said so much that means so much to me, and i cant imagine sharing them with people who aren't good enough, who didn't have those experiences that made the songs mean the world to me. i want them for myself, i don't want to share. "the places you have come to fear the most" was the song of our apartment last year, it was ours, we shared it, candace and stef and i. it was us, it was the ok on the outside image that we had all perfected and made the anthem of 166 s. 3rd. and then we moved, and now its just candace and i, and "good mourning" has become our soundtrack, its what we listen to when we're being outstanding scholars, or we're sad, or we just want to hear "blue in the face" because its beautiful and acoustic and perfect.. maybe i'm just crazy. maybe i need a happy song to fall asleep to. i'll try..
so stay out of my thoughts for now, ok, because i'm moving on, and i'm through with being the other girl turned into the replacement that wasn't quite enough.. and i'm through with allowing you to keep me at arms length, with having me there just in case things with the her in your life fall apart. YOU. DONT. DESERVE. ME.