is it too late to heal?

im waiting to hear from antonia. its 6 pm, and im getting antsy about being too close to manhattan right now. candace got home a little while ago, she's unpacking and we're listening to alkaline trio. i played guitar for a little while before. i have been trying to stretch my fingers like bart said. i looked up the chords for "hands down." i have a webpage that shows chords, but im having troulbe tuning my guitar flat. for some reason, the E string doesnt like to tune to eb.. i have to listen to it, i think, but i dont have any way to play it.. i only have it (the acoustic one) in burned cds, and our cd player doesnt play burned cds anymore. i cant wait till alkaline trio come back to new york. i feel like im going through withdrawal. they were on letterman the other day, but it wasnt the same. booo. i wanna get gothed out again and dance around like the happiest girl in the world. HAPPIEST GIRL IN THE WORLD. fuck the enigma for not showing up, it won't matter when im dancing to the electric blanket song.

i shall play guitar again, i think.. eh. maybe ill just sit here and listen to alkaline. though the cd is over in the 1 or 2 songs. boo..

xo.

woke up at 830 this morning.. checked my short mail, and there was nothing so i was like "ok.. so far, so good." but like 30 seconds later, my phone vibrates.. "my head is spinning and i feel like im gonna throw up, so i dont think im gonna make it out today." yahhh.. i dont know why i thought you would, i dont know why i got so excited, all you ever do is let me down, anyway. so i went back to sleep. now its 1:15. and im sad and wishing that i was awaiting yr visit, even though i hate you. two days of built up excitement, thinking i was going to get hugs and cuddles and blah blah blah. i should have learned a long time ago that i couldn't count on you. why do i even do this to myself? its like i dont even trust you anyway, i never believe yr excuses, i dont really believe that you dont feel good. maybe she wants to see you, maybe you dont wanna come out for such a short time. maybe its fun for you, to get my hopes up and then crush them. maybe i should just say fuck off again. maybe i should stop thinking about you and realize that you will never be here when you say you will, you will never know how much you hurt me, and i will never be happy as long as im tied to the strings you've kept me on for so long..

soo excited right now. SOOOOOO excited. the enigma has said he would make an appearance tomorrow for an afternoon nap. i can hardly contain myself. seriously. i was all giddy at work (i shadowed lee for like 20 minutes while we were doing roll ups, he got so mad ahaha).. he wanted to come over tonight but he was too tired, so he said he would come right when he gets out of work tomorrow at 1. which means he'd get here between 2 and 230. unless he drives fast and there is no traffic. but he has to be back on LI at 5. which is wayyyy boo, but thats just his style. show up for 2 hours, stay longer than he should, but still only like 3 hours.. and go back to his regular life. sigh.. im gonna ask him to drove me to LI with him, though, which means free ride! woo. AND CUDDLES!! im so excited. im kinda like ugh bc he said he wants to watch a movie, which means our nap will take place on the couch. he loves my couch though, so i guess i should have only assumed that naptime would take place in such a confined place. plus it gets bizarrre after a while, when the sexual tension mounts. its like we're facing the tv, so i have my back to him. so then its like.. should i get up and come back and face him or something? how can i rub his belly if my back is to him? so i'll have to figure out a way. maybe ill make him lay on his back and ill lay beside him. hmm.. but the couch isnt very wide. its a futon. ill figure something out. the day wont be complete without belly rubbing, and i will not hear of it not occuring. i messaged with him practically all night again, which made me happy. he was saying that all my working deserved extra hugs, and that i should have naked sleeps tonight, but i was like "no i reserve those for you, bc its not as fun when there is no you involved." ehehehee.

so anyway i am going to bed in anticipation of waking up at 10. because i can never sleep when he is coming over, i get too excited and anxious, and i have to wake up. ill lay in my bed till 12 or so, get up and shower.. then of course, i'll find he isnt coming and my hopes wll be crushed and i will be sad, but ill get on the lirr and head out there to avoid nyc for new years. wish me luck...

i dont know how to start this. i want to say im cold, but i feel like i'm always saying that.. so im trying to think of something else, but in typing this, ive somehow started anyway. i worked tonight, it was busy and i was chatty, so i made a bunch of money. i had od'ed on caffiene though, and i heard from the enigma.. which usually makes my heart race. so anyway i was garnishing drinks and full of energy, gabby. i had a wonderful message conversation with the enigma today. he sometimes gets all emo and it makes me swoon, seriously. i hate it, bc i know im soo under his spell. when i woke up i checked my short mail (bc it hardly ever alerts me to a message, so i have to periodically check it) and there was a message from him saying he was in alabama and thinking of me. maybe we could get some hugs soon.. and then he said "i'll be thinking of you." and i was like swoooooon. so i wrote back and said i'd worked the whole weekend, but hoped he had fun in florida.. so he said he was impressed that id worked 33 hours and that deserves a lot of hugs, so he'd hook me up. i told him id give him lots of hugs too and he said that sounded awesome, and that hes coming home hopefully tomorrow, but he wasnt sure bc it was a 19 hour drive.. he asked why i asked when he was coming home and i said bc i was holding him to hugs the minute he gets back. whatever the converstation was, i dont care, it took up a great part of my day, which means i was happy many times. i love hearing from him, and he gets really cute and we kept talking blah blah and he told me he was nervous the first time we ever fooled around, like it was a dream and he was waiting to wake up. and i told him that when i think about that first kiss, it still gives me chills and makes me smile ear to ear. i get this sense of exhileration... i still get that way when i see him.. i just want to hold onto him and hug him and rub his belly. and i love how it feels and how i feel when we are just laying on the couch waching a movie, engaging in hugs.. till the tension climbs to a paramount and we have that first awkward yet tingley kiss.. *sigh* and then i explode. and all i feel is good and right and perfect. but its always fleeting. whatever happens, happens and we lay there talking. you tell me about shows and tours and yr band and work and all this stuff.. then you get sleepy, and you think you should leave.. i want you to stay! i want to wake up where you are, i want to wake up beside you once again.. its been so long, we havent woken up together since connecticut, june 4.. ive since him only three times since then, the beginning of august, the middle of september, the end of november.. and not since. i keep holding my breath, hoping that he'll come back here soon, and we will hug and hug and hug.. he is always worth the wait, my heart always bursts, my stomach always has warm fuzzies.. i wish he were here more often. i wish it was april and may again, when he made an effort to come see me, when we woke up together once a week. those days were so perfect. i had so much spunk on the days i woke up with him, i was always bright and cheery.. see this is what happens to me when im anticipating his visit.. i feel like we're due for an interlude, and im so excited, i can hardly contain myself.. i get tingles and butterflies and i just start smiling maniacally for ostensibly no reason.. but inside i know its bc some flash of some memory or imagination of you has crept into my mind and im momentarily elated by the prospect of yr breath on my neck (made me lose my concentration).. we could watch bring it on, its the one you always suggest. or we could watch the breakfast club. the first time you kissed me, we had just finished watching 8 mile.. we got through the movie. it would be the last movie we'd get through, save for a mighty wind, (which we saw at the theatre with his friends.) i remember all of our movies, actually. we watched bring it on, down to you, boys and girls, chasing amy.. and we watched office space at his house. we should watch 10 things i hate about you next time. but he likes bring it on. i got the breakfast club, and pretty in pink and goonies on dvd for christmas. oh and oceans eleven. i cant wait to lay on this couch and watch a movie together. i hope he gets home tomorrow and wants to come out and see me right away. im working tomorrow, but hopefully he'll want to come out anyway and have a slumber party. i'd like that. a loooot. all night hugs!!! all night hugs!!! will this ever end? i dont know if i said it before, but i think i hold on so much bc im in love with our story. like, i'd love for it to be 15 years from now, just telling someone our story. its such a good story, its full of drama and ups and downs and weird romance. and it has all the elements of a cheesy love story.. *sigh* i hate when i get like this, all mushy and retarded and filled with hope. i hate hope, bc its always lost. i keep thinking maybe they broke up, maybe they realized it cant work, and maybe he'll realize he wants to be with me. maybe it wont be now, maybe it will be when im there and he sees me more regularly. but maybe he wont. maybe itll fall apart when we are closer. maybe its already fallen apart. maybe its just an unbelievable amount of sexual tension and nothing else. ugh. who even cares.

there is nothing on tv. channel two is snowy, 4 is a blue screen, 5 is an informercial, so is 9.. im watching the news on channel 7. ok now im watching the odd couple. the cat is meowing outside. i should go to bed. im not quite feeling it yet. im still kind of wired from work and all that energy i had. and im high on hope of seeing the enigma tomorrow.. maybe thursday even.. one of the two would be outstanding. id prefer tomorrow, but thursday would be ok if he drove me back to brooklyn and we got to cuddle on the couch and watch a movie and be all awwww cozy like.maybe he'll be really nice and rub my neck. bc i fucking need to have a neck rubbing really badly. its all cramped and sore from constantly working. todays shift brought my total to 39 hours in four days. tomorrow i'll prob work 6 more, bringing my grand total to 45 hours. but of course i wont get overtime. next week im working friday night, saturday morning, a double sunday, and monday night. anyway. bed now..

i dont feel well. i just finished my 5th shift in a row.. i worked 32 hours in three days. still have two to go.. i gave away my tues morning shift, so woohoo to that. now i only have to work tomorrow night and tuesday night, both in even sections. luckily i made a ton of money this weekend.. i made $130 on friday night, $237 yesterday, and $190 today.. for a grand total of $557 in three days. thats actually only $20 short of rent in only three days. five shifts, three days. i have like $435 in checks that need to be deposited.. and i already had january rent. this is all lucky because i might quit my job this week. you see, gregg disregarded my doctor's note saying i couldn't be there, and i refuse to coalesce. im not coming back from long island to work new years day morning. im not getting up at 7 am to commute to work. that is bullshit, and im not doing it. im not staying in brooklyn, either. i had a nightmare last night. i dont remember it, but it was terrorist related. and i know its happening bc new years is coming. i always have nightmares around new years. its always been a time of anxiety for me, ive always dreaded the possibilities for harm to a crowd the size that times square draws.. and now that ive experienced terrorism for the first time, im avoiding it at all costs. im leaving this city bc its become a bed of anxiety for me. i find it hard to enjoy all the things i used to love about the city. maybe i'll make the most of the rest of my stay here in order to leave this place loving it still.. but as of right now, all it does is generate fear of another attack like that. getting out of nyc was horrible. it took so long and it was so desolate and bleak, everything covered in soot.. walking through the streets, breathing in the rubble and bits of peoples charred bodies, it was like breathing in their souls. and walking past the fire house and the hospital every night, hysterically crying, looking at the posters of the people who were missing plastered all over the buildings, on street posts, on corners of buildings... reading family members anxious pleas, hoping that their loved one was just injured or lost or disoriented. all those faces, the eyes staring out of the pictures with such joy.. in wedding photos, with children, with pets, smiling brightly, reminding me that life is so fragile, and those smiles are gone now, taken away.. for an attack on capitalism and american culture. i feel like it would be so easy to make this stop or at least belay it a bit.. terrorists and people who hate america hate it bc we have to impose our values on them all the time. i mean, think about it. they attacked the world trade center and the pentagon. these are two symbols of american culture.. and the fuckin warnings about shopping malls.. shopping malls are the epitome of american culture and the consumer society. slowly but surely, america has been instilling its values on parts of the world that do not accept our brand of capitalism, and want to remain at their stage in civilization. but that was never good enough. america wont stop until the whole world is one huge protectorate. its the new form of empire, neoimperialism, where countries keep their names but are forced into the global economy controlled by america and capitalism. keep going on till there is one great big american hegemony, everyone will be the same, there will be worker slaves all over the globe. and that top tier if society can sit back and watch their bank accounts grow as we become more and more alienated from ourselves, turning to buying things and doing drugs to keep our sanity and to feel any kind of happiness. as long as we're high and shopping, we'll all be ok. we won't know who we are, we'll forget that we're people and turn into worker bees, toiling away at our unskilled jobs to buy things and keep a roof over our heads. we forget that capitalism is slowly killing us all, and the whole world will be united into this one system. but some people dont want that. they want to keep their own culture, and not submit to buying happiness and worshipping the idolic dollar. so they attack symbols of what they dont want to come, and they pleasantly forget that human lives that are just conditioned to go to work and fit into the only mold they've ever known inhabit the symbols they want to destroy. because defending what they love is more important than respecting human life. its gone too far. both sides are too far along the course of hatred. they attack and we respond with destroying their regimes and installing u.s. friendly ones. one by one they will succumb, bc of the sheer military strength of the u.s army.. which will only cause more backlashes and strikes against innocent americans. i'm not sure there can be peace. its past the point of no return, america is determined to conquer, and the terrorists are determined to keep their way of life. only its the civilians, the workers, the people who are condemned to a life of labor and hardship who will suffer the most. because its these ranks of people who fight in the u.s. army, and its these ranks of people who are victims of terrorist attacks. the ceo and americas idle elites are secluded on their manors, in their gated acres, safe from targetting. they arent in the world trade center or the pentagon, they aren't going to be in times square, or riding the subway, or shopping in the mall. they will be at home, or at some fancy party, or maybe at the country club, when the next attack comes. and they'll remain determined to fight against anything un-american, sending americas poor out as cannon fodder, protecting their interests and further enslaving the people of the world..... and it wont end until one side is anihilated, or there is some major regime change. i have this imagination of the day america gets fed up and decides to blow the entire middle east to bits, just dropping nuclear bombs all across the region, destroying any opposition..

maybe i've been listening to too much anarchopunk. im soo not an anarchist, bc i think the whole philosophy is counterproductive. their line is that the working class needs to rise up in revolution against their capitalist oppressors.. then there would be no laws, no authority, and no state. ok, all well and good, only if you dont supress yr former oppressors, you'll never prevent them from regaining control and reversing the revolution. so, a brief chronology of the whole anarchist movement would be.. revolution, lawlessness, counterrevolution, reestablishment of capitalism. then what? begin the struggle all over again, keep raising yr black flag high in hopes that next time people will come to a concensus and respect each other in a classless utopia? so, i dont agree with the anarchist line, but if you want political punk, you can usually only find it in anarchopunk.. there is very little in the way of other sorts of political punk, there are a sprinkling of communist bands, like i farm (who i loooove), whom allie dubbed "commiecore" in high school, and some other bands like propagandhi.. but i can only get into them sometimes.

anyway. im not putting myself in that situation again, and im not coalescing to stupid chevys who i labor for daily. i fucking just worked 5 shifts in a row, tonight i felt so sick and exhausted, and im going back tomorrow and tuesday.. and they cant fucking respect my mental health for five seconds? of course not. so i shall not show up, oh well. they can fire me if they want, and i'll go to corporate, and then i'll go to court. bc i have a legal document, a doctor's note, saying that i cannot be there. its not like im going to be out partying, im not even going to be here, im not going to stay in brooklyn and be terrified just so i can go to chevys. its not worth that much to me. i'll just scrimp and save till i can get another job.

anyway i should sleep. i feel like shit.

:( thats how i feel right now. i dont know why, but i have been super edgy lately, really hard to deal with, and just volatile. like yesterday, my mom said i was hard on my computers, and i kind of snapped. i feel like she doesnt always listen to me. bc im not hard on my computer. my disk broke in my computer bc candaces drive fucked up the disk.. my hard drive doesnt fit anything bc the store scammed me and gave me a tiny tiny hard drive with more memory.. but what good is more memory when you cant fit anything on the hard drive? none, no good. obviously. but i like freaked out on her in front of the family, bc i was like "seriously, no." then tonight at work, i asked for corn tortillas and some other shit, and the cook made them, but before he put them in i warned him that they were going to come out hard and that i wasnt going to eat them if they were dry. so they come out and he puts them in the window, and they're hard so i pushed the plate back through and i was like "seriously, im not eating this shit. they are solid." so he made new ones but he fucking drenched them and they came out soggy and totally stuck to each other. so i was so angry that i took the plate of tortillas and threw it into the dishwasher station and the cup of black beans.. i just threw them. i was too angry to cry. usually in such a situation i would just cry, but this time i lashed out in a fit of fury. then i went and rolled my silver and the night cleaner randy came by and i was like yelling at him about it.. he knew i wasnt yelling at him, that i was just yelling about it, and he was actually really cool. a lot of people get freaked out when someone is obviously crazy and having anger management issues. but i was kind of ranting and it made sense, bc my rant was more an argument.. i was just like you know i fuckin ask for corn tortillas, and they act like im asking them to move a mountain. i dont ask for fajitas or quesadillas or anything that requires them to do any work for, i ask them for some tortillas which need to be microwaved for 45 seconds. it is effortless, and im vegetarian, so its not like i have a lot of options. i could ask them for cheese enchiladas or a veggie fajita, but no all i want is some fucking little tortillas that are heated effortlessly. ugh. but anyway then mike the runner came out of the kitchen with a plate of good tortillas and a sour cream and a cup of cheese.. and i was like "i dont even want them anymore" but he was like "i fucking made these for you, they arent that shit he made, its not my fault the cooks dont know shit." so i calmed down and ate, then i went into the kitchen and thanked him and kissed him on the cheek. i feel like im having these wild mood swings lately, and i have no control over them. i just go from sweet and docile to fire and malice in no time flat. im so unhappy with everything in my life that i flip out at the littlest things. i mean, nothing in my life is *so bad* im just not happy with any of it. im beginning to loathe chevy's. i mean, ive always hated it, but sometimes it wasnt so bad. but lately, i feel like i have to work all the time, and i never have any free time, and i feel the whole alienation of the self setting in.. and i hate it, it makes me feel so shackled to this crappy place. i have to work five days in a row this week, with two doubles. and gregg said tonight that he might have to schedule me wed and thurs, which i got a note from my therapist saying i couldnt work... i cant be here for new years, i especially cant be in times square. he said he would schedule me day, but still. that would have me working at least 12 days in a row. bc if i work wed and thurs, which are usually my days off, i would prob work fri-tuesday also, as i usually do.. and whats really upsetting me is that the enigma told me that we would get together as soon as he got back from going away this weekend, but i am going to be working constantly. how the hell am i gonna see him if im at chevys? the only way is if they get back late, but he either gets dropped off here, or turns around and comes back in the middle of the night and leaves early in the morning so i can go to work. which would mean all night hugs, but i dont really think he would show up at 3 am, to be honest with you.. and if he just got dropped off, he'd have to take the train back, and he wouldnt get to unpak his stuff that night.. so i dont think its likely he gets dropped off here on the way back. but ill be working tues and wed mornings. so.. unless i can get him to come out tues night (assuming they get back monday night) and stay the night since i should be home by like 11 and he could spend the night and leave when i go to work in the morning.. who knows. im putting wayy too much thought into this, especially given his track record for keeping his word on things like showing up here.. when they got back from tour in august, it was like 2 weeks before i saw him, and he didnt even tell me they were back. but meanwhile he had called me like midway through the tour and told me he couldnt wait to get back and see me. so whatever.

anyway.. getting past the dismal part of my life. like i was saying, its not that anything is so bad, its just a conglomerate of things that i wish were different, i cant wait to get out of this city, and i just wanna settle into a life that isnt somewhat migrant and dependant on the whims of the public transportation gods. i'd like a permanent residence, a car, and a career.. these things feel so close but yet so far, i just want to fast forward through my thesis and chevys and be in august.

there are some really good things to report. first off, we had a christmas spectacular. my mom blew her budget this year and went alllll out. she bought me a microwave and a whole shitload of rubber ducky themed stuff for my bathroom when i move to li.. books and cds and... A GUITAR!! and not just any crappy one, but a squier by fender! its acoustic and wonderful and we are in love. i want to play so bad, but its late and i dont know how yet. bartlow is gonna teach me bc he loves me, but first i have to have some mutual free time with him.. ugh. but anyway im really excited and i cant wait till monday, bc i dont have work till 5:15.. well i have therapy at 4.. but ill get up at like noon and play my guitar for a few hours before i have to go. yippee.

anyway, i have to be back at the workplace in 8 hours, which means even if i went to bed now, i would only get 6.5 hours. however, i am not in the proper mental state for sleep, so ill do the crossword puzzle now. sweet dreams..

hi hi hi. guess what? my back hurts! AS ALWAYS. work was busy tonight, i was the only one in the back, so i had lots of parties and tables. i made $100, but it sucked bc i was busy the whole time, and i barely got to socialize. oh well.

i initiated communication with the enigma today. i sent him a message saying id be home tomorrow if he wanted hugs.. he said he would love hugs, but that he had a family dinner tomorrow and then he was going away the 26th, but that we'd have to get together when he got back. so i said something like "im gonna hold you to that, i need hugs" and when i got to work, i saw that he'd written back something like "the minute i get back you got hugs. it might be late though, so the next morning.. unless you want a sleep over, of course hehe" and it made me so happy. i dont know why, i mean, its not like he'll show up or that we'll have a sleepover, but damn.. when he says things like that i melt, and i get butterflies and im like awww it makes me smile from ear to ear, deliriously. i replied that if course i want to have a sleepover, i love all night hugs. i do, i do! sleeping with him is seriously the best time ever. i have shared a bed with a fair amount of boys, and he is by far the most comfy to sleep with. its just sleep, but its so.. i dont know. its kinda like in mallrats, when brodie is explaining about how you dont know where to put yr arm when yr sleeping with a girl.. without the symbolic meaning he was getting at. with most boys, its hard to get comfortable, you have to move around and you end up sleeping with yr back to them bc its easiest just to spoon. when i sleep with him, though, i sleep facing him, he sleeps on his back and i put my head on his chest and tangle my legs up with him and its so cozy and nice. i remember when i went to connecticut to keep him company, i laid down with my back to him and he was like "hey, you dont wanna face me?" so i turned back around and curled into him. and waking up with him... sigh. hes so adorable in the morning, its so perfect and wonderful and peaceful and happy. way back when we started this mess, he spent the night and he had to work in the morning.. he had to be there at 7, so i woke him up at 5.. i poked him a few times and he was like "another half hour" and i started to say he had to leave to get to work on time, and he just put his hand over my mouth, kissed my forehead and hugged me. i kept waking him up every half hour, and the same thing would happen.. he left my apartment at 7. and i got up and wrote a paper. falling asleep and waking up with him just feels right. but it isnt right. in fact, its one of the most wrong things ever, probably. but it feels so good and so right, and i am governed not by logic, but by feelings. so i will jump at any opportunity for all night hugs or even cuddling on my couch watching bring it on. i just want hugs. bc it doesnt feel like any other hugs ive ever encountered, ive never felt so warm and safe in anyone else's arms.. its a strong hug, its a hug like i wont let go of you.. will i ever get over this? will i ever stop obsessing over the boy i've dubbed an enigma? its been seven years and i havent stopped. well, i did.. but i mean, even after everything happened with suzanne, when he told me he couldnt talk to me for a while, i was so mad and i didnt talk to him and he says i was a bitch to him at shows when i saw him (i dont remember, but i believe it).. every time i saw him, i felt nervous and excited, but it manifested in anger bc of what he'd done.. but despite that, i started emailing with suzanne.. and she would tell me about him and how he is and stuff, but she had no idea who i really was.. i told him that the first time i saw him again, last august. he said she talked about me, and he was like "wow, you did that?" i just wanted to know that he was out there and ok and happy.. even though i didnt want to talk to him. i have to admit though, that when my brother told me that hed left a note on my car, i had to think about it for a little while to remember who it would be. but once he read the note, i knew.. and i felt so excited. i want to see him right now, i want to curl up and cuddle and feel safe and happy. maybe next week..

anyway. im tired and i have to go to therapy in the morning so i shall sleep now. sweet dreams...

it is literally 9 degrees in my house. my hands are freezing. we have one window open a crack, for smoke reasons. all of our shit will reek if i dont crack a window. and im the only smoker in the apartment since candace quit, so i try not to smoke as much (though i have sucked at it lately since i have been so stressed with school) bc i feel bad. i wish the heat would come on. the pipes are freezing cold, too. they haven't even been on lately. is it supposed to rain? it sounds like its raining. i just checked the weather, and its gonna be 56 degrees on christmas.. and rainy. but its not raining. maybe its just the pipes cracking.. bc they are freezing. i just put my winter hat on with my hood over it. im determined not to have to put my coat on. i have a sweater and a sweatshirt. i might concede and put a regular sweater over the cardigan.

so last night was a disaster. i have no idea what happened, but it went a little something like this.. i didnt feel like going out, i was feeling blah and sort of antisocial, i was really tired (i only slept like 7 hours in 3 days), i just didnt want to go. but i had to. so i put a bunch of tequila in an empty apple juice bottle and was on my way. got to the bar, had a margarita.. and it started as it always does. i was quiet and worried that it was gonna suck, but i cheered up a bit.. michael and i went to the jukebox and picked out like 20 songs, like reo speedwagon's "keep on loving you," journey's "open arms," "welcome to the jungle," some eagles, some johnny cash, some skynyrd.. it was a blast. i chugged my drink, which was super strong. drank most of the tequila i'd brought (about 4 shots.. i shared it with kim and jenna, it was originally like 8 shots), michael got me a shot of patron.. i was wrecked. we ate mozzerella sticks and yelled the lyrics.. the bar was pretty empty, it was this little tiny dive bar on the lower east side, and michael works there. but as reo speedwagon was coming on, a group of like early 30s ppl came in and got all nostalgic over it. i was having a great time, laughing and singing, i was falling down, i couldnt stand up at all, and i kept insisting that i still knew my name, which was a problem (i sounded just like drunk girl. it was horrible in hindsight lol).. then i got really nauseas. i took kim to the bathroom and i threw up a lot. a lot a lot.. long story short, bart made us come out of the bathroom bc other people needed to use it or something, and we caught a cab. i apparently passed out in the cab, bc i dont remember the ride to kims apartment at all. bart said that if i had to puke, i could do so on him. i kind of remember going over a bridge, and i got really nauseas a couple of minutes before we got there and i was insisting that we had to pull over bc i had to vomit again. they said we were only a few blocks away, and that i had to hold on. they made me lean closer to the window (over kim) to get cold air. i do not at all remember getting out of the cab, walking to the building, entering the building, or her bathroom. i vaguely remember throwing off my coat and going straight to the bathroom.. by then, i was so sick and i felt like crap and i drifted in and out of consciousness.. i remember i was just being like "i just want to die, thats all i want to do, thats all i want to do" over and over again. thats how horrible i felt. but kim was holding my hair back and kissing the top of my head and saying "but i love you" and bart was like "no baby, yr just drunk." not like mean baby, like endearing baby. all i have to say is that i have the best friends to have ever walked the face of the earth when it comes down to it. sometimes they piss me off, sometimes they upset me, but when it comes down to their trueness, its all there. these kids are there for you when you need them, and they truly love me. and i love them. kim wouldnt even leave the bathroom when i had to pee, bc she was afraid id pass out or something. instead she stood behind the shower curtain bc at least she was still in there. she was silly drunk, so she made it quite funny, all getting in the bathtub and being like "nope, not leaving. i'll hide behind the shower curtain!" i honestly dont know how many of the people who have gone through my life were ever as wonderful as the group that ive surrounded myself with now. i cant believe its all going to fall apart. but for the first time in my life, im not afraid. i feel like i will always know them. kim is moving back to li at the same time as i am, and she applied to stonybrook for grad school. she'll probably go somewhere away from here, like u penn or columbia, but i know we'll be in touch. bart might be getting a record deal, which is kind of exciting, and he has promised to take me away from here when they get it. and even if i have to stay, im sure i'll hear from him and see them whenever they are in town and visit them and all that.. plus they are motivated to come out to li at least in august bc i promised we'd go to the beach. anyway.. so i guess i passed out with my head over the toilet. according to kim, she and bart carried me to her bed. i woke up this morning and i didnt know where i was for a good 35 seconds. it was kind of intense, i realized i wasnt in my bed and i started to be a wee bit anxious, but my contacts cleared up a little, and then i looked around and i saw kim. i was extra confused bc i figured out that i was in kims room, but she had changed it around, she moved her bed and stuff, so then i was confused again. but like i said, i saw her so i was like.. ahhh. ok. then sylvia walked by, she had spent the night with baxter (who ditched us saturday night to hang out with her) and she made fun of me bc she said that she had tried to come in and wake me up to talk to me, but i was passed out and she couldnt get me to wake up. (speaking of sylvia, i was supposed to go to her farewell party tonight, shes moving back to florida tuesday.. i wanted to go, bc i like sylvia and i wanted to say goodbye, but we got home so late, and im so tired..) kim told me that she had stayed up all night with the boys, routinely checking to make sure i had a pulse. i cant believe i was that messed up. i didnt drink that much. six shots and a margarita.. i mean, for alkaline trio i took 9 shots, i can handle my liquor.. i think it was because i drank most of it in minutes.. 5 of those shots came one after another. i felt like shit all day today. first of all, kim put me to bed in my clothes, everything but my shoes.. and she left my studded bracelet on me, so i *know* i slept on it (bc i always sleep with my wrist tucked under my chest) and i have a huge bruise there. its all ouchy. i puked a bunch this morning, and then i watched like half of joe dirt with kim. it was hilarious to us, bc joe dirt reminds us of baxter completely. the way he talks.. its just slightly country, and its a mellow voice, like stoner meets slow southern drawl.. and even the way he says "right on." we were like "sooo baxter!" but alas, i had to go so i only got up to the part where the shit comes out of the warhead he has strapped to him.. ill have to rent it and see what happens.

so anyway. i had to meet candace to go to LI for xmas shopping, and we agreed to take the 12:36 train out of jamaica. i was already at kims (three stops from jamiaca), so i told candace to meet me at the station. i told her to ride the front of the train and to meet me on the platform. but i said to just ride the first car bc thats where you come down the stairs, she thought i meant thats where the stairs to the lirr were and that id meet her on that platform. so i got there right after her, and i waited on the E platform like i said i would.. but she was waiting upstairs in the waiting room bc she didnt know which train we were supposed to take (and she thought id already be on the platform upstairs). i sat down there until 1:20. my watch band broke, so i only had my phone to tell the time, but since i have sprint now, the clock is satellite and i cant tell what time it is when im in the subway.. i finally asked someone what time it was, and he said 1:15.. so i had to call my brother and tell him not to come get us at 130 bc we wouldnt be there, i was still waiting for candace. but then i checked my voicemail and she had left me three messages that she was upstairs, and where was i.. that was really annoying. i can see how she misinterpreted what i said.. i didnt put it very clearly, so its my fault too. but we got to li at 230 instead, and we went to the mall. i got super fabulous gifts for everyone. i have to shop for my mommy still, though. i got her three things today, but nothing important. i still have $125 to spend. i have to get for my grandfather, nick, and jill and eric still also, but i will prob only need about $50 for those all together. that leaves $75 more for my mom, bc i finished my dad and linda and my brother. i got little things for my cousins and my godparents, i got a babys first christmas ornament for sean (its soo cute).. my mother got us stuff for jay. oh and i have to get a bottle of wine for one of my dads brothers. my bro is gonna get the other bottle, so it'll be half. i really want to get her two or three cds, and she wanted some stuff from eckerd. and i think im gonna get her an iou for a day at a spa, so she can get a facial and ill get a massage. but im going to give her the option of a day in the city or on long island, so i dont want to get a gift certificate. i still have to get antonias gift, but i dont know if she reads this thing so im not gonna say what it is. even though she probably already knows. i have to get something for katie too. damn. i hope chevys is busy tomorrow. actually.. i can dig into rent money bc im working like 45 hours this week. its our busiest week at work.. a bazillion people are in town for new years and since xmas is a thursday a lot of people will have a long weekend, and they will shop with their gift certificates or return stuff they dont want, and they will eat mexican food. im working friday night, a double saturday, a double sunday, monday night, and a double tuesday. all good sections. actually, all phenomenal sections. i have a night bar on sunday, section 8 both friday and sat night (one of the best in my opinion), day 4 both sat and sun morning (4 booths, muy bueno) and even some really good shifts on monday and tuesday. only one of my shifts is in the back (but its section 10, so it has two booths) and they are all money sections. so ill make an easy $600 this week. if i dont, then im doing something wrong. i should make at least $100 on friday, probably $200+ on both saturday and sunday, $50 on monday, and $100 on tuesday. that would be awesome. especially if my mom just gives me some money to get a guitar with, then bart and i can go and find me a guitar and not worry about the cost bc ill be a millionaire. or at least feel like one.

im wearing way too many clothes right now. i put sweatpants on over my regular pants, and i put a regular sweater on over the cardigan.. still have my winter hat on with hoodie over it. the heat also hasnt come on yet. we got home at like 1215, so its had 2.5 hours to show its stuff. its only 37 degrees out, this is absurd. i cant wait to climb into my bed. it took us soooo long to get home, we were going to take the E until we saw a G train, but we got off at 71st-continental bc there was a G there.. i dont know why we got off, candace said we should and i thought we should stay on but i was like eh ok, so we went to the G and that E turned out to be the last express, and we fuckin had to sit on the G forfuckingever. we waited seriously 30 minutes for it to leave, possibly longer. verrrry irritating. we got off to take the E, but it was going local so there was no point, this was gonna be the first G out now, and we were stuck. we finally got home, candace made some pasta, and we ate. now im doing this. i have been for a long time. its 2:40 right now. the post time for this jammy will be what time i started it at.. i dont remember when that was, but im sure it was in the 1 or 1:30 region.

anyway i need to do a puzzle. its sunday again, though. so i might skip it and just go to bed. sunday challenges take me longer than the usual puzzle, and im really tired. i have no idea what time i passed out (literally) last night, but i figure it was around 4. i woke up at 10:15. i was nervous when i woke up bc i thought it might be like 12 or something and i had to go to li.. but i just got up then, and i think i prob only added 6 hours of sleep to the 7 id accumulated the last few nights before that. i have to get up at noon tomorrow. i NEED TO do laundry, i have no black socks for work, i have no clean shirts, my towels smell like cigarettes, and im out of underpants. oooh i bought myself some clothes at the mall! i got these black pants with red ties on clearance for $19.99, marked down from $39.99! i also got a blue element t-shirt, its that blue that is on those really old skool disney world shirt with mickey mouse and the dark blue ringers? you know.. its several tones, looks like sweatshirt gray but its blue and it just looks warm and cozy? yah that. it just says element on it, has dark blue rings, and its a little bit bigger than i like my shirts (boys medium), but im really happy. it was only $19. i got them at pacific sunwear. i got my brothers shirts there. this year i got him 4 shirts. im also going to get him a cool lego or two i think. i love buying presents for people!!! YAY!

so anyway i think im gonna skip the challenge and go straight to bed. my hands are freezing, and i need a good 9 hours sleep. or else i will be tired tomorrow, and i cant sleep late again till next monday. UGH. must relish the joy of a good night sleep while i still can..... 3:26am.. ugh, wayy too late right now.......

i shall be brief. im wayy too tired for a long story here. i really need to dye my hair again. i chose a black with red tones, and since i already had serious red tones, they stick out on the top half of my hair, but not the bottom. what i really need to do, is get it done professionally. that or go for midnight or something. i dont wanna be too black though. id even settle for an even toned brown. i thought i fixed the problem, but the dye is washing out already (and i bought permanant!!!) so the same two-tonedness is resurfacing.

i got up at 930 this morning, it was wayyy rough. i showered. went to newark, graded essays. went to the faculty/staff christmas party. drank five glasses of wine, chatted with strangers. i told sylvia that id come to work drunk on wine, and she was like "what?!" the party was weird, and i felt obligated to hang out for a little while, but i dont know anyone, so i just drank. most of the profs i've had are no longer with rutgers. and i dont know any of the undergrad student aides.. but random professors would come by and chat for a second. then i spilled merlot all over the right upper thigh of my favorite pair of cords. booo! i talked to maureen for a bit, went to the computer lab to abuse my printing priviledges, rode the PATH, still drunk.. got to work kinda drunk. then i had this MEAN MEAN customer.. this man. im not going to go into it, but he was awful, he called me rude when i was just trying to explain to him that i hadn't lied, the plate he got wasnt usually that large, they misportioned it and he was actually getting wayy more, and he didnt want to waste any and blah blah blah blah. fine, i AM gonna go into it.. basically he was accusing me of getting him to buy more than he needed, and i was like "sir, im not interested in making money for the corporation. i do not stand to gain by selling you two meals." and he was like "im a new yorker, and you are rude." i didnt even understand, but i think he was accusing me of treating him like a tourist. ok, first of all, if yr a new yorker, then why was yr ID a passport from another country? and it was a really.. i dont know how to describe it. it was a low technology passport, like it was probably easten european maybe? like a poor eastern european nation.. it was handwritten and laminated. not that im making a judgement based on his passport, i just dont understand his stress on the fact that he believed himself to be a new yorker. moving along... most people who order the LARGEST PLATE ON THE MENU know that its big, but are willing to undertake the feat. so gregg took off the salad. fast forward like 30 minutes, and im walking by the table and what happens? the ranch ramiken falls off my tray and splatters all over the girlfriend. in her hair, on her coat and pants, and all over me. i was like of all the tables in the entire restaurant, i have to drop a highly bouncible small ramiken with watery ranch dressing in it right next to the problem. he started scolding me, saying that she'd just had her hair done at some fancy pants salon and it cost him $300 and the dry cleaning was gonna cost blah blah blah... so he goes to the bathroom, and the girlfriend starts like consoling me. she was like "hes always like this, dont listen to him." i was like "seriously ive been doing this for so long, and no one has ever ever been this mean to me." but whatever, she was cool. she was japanese. they still left me like 18%. maybe she made him.

oh, and its also funny that tonight at work, i was walking toward baxter and he sings "time baby III" as i get there.. and that is weird bc that was the song i ended last nights entry with, and it was the exact line he sang. this wouldnt be as much of a coincidence had not yesterdays "josie" episode happened. i feel psychic or something. ehehe.

so i was having no fun at all and i decided to give away my station when evens were cut. i didnt want to be there, and bart was already done, and he was my support system tonight. so i let kathy take over for me. i was kinda mad at myself afterward, bc i do need the money for christmas. but right after i decided to let her work my section, it got sat with a party of 7. i was UGH. they probably got 7 large margaritas and 7 fajitas and i should have made more.. oh well. i still made $110, and thats good enough right now. i still have tomorrow, which im counting on it being busy, as its the last saturday before christmas.

um, so i have to do brunch again tomorrow. 9am. im going to bed at 2. no later! i can get 5 hours of sleep if i fall asleep by 230. plus im SUPER tired, so its likely that it wont take me long to fall asleep. so maybe i can ever get 5.5 hours! who knows though. im gonna come home after work and nap, then meet up with kim and jenna and bart and baxter and a potential slew of others (kims other roommates, random coworkers. i invited jesse and kathy and gino..). kim says shes gonna get shit-faced, but that i have to moniter her (which i am firmly against.) im afraid it'll go as it always does.. at first we will giggle, but after a while, she will realize that it doesnt help and that she is sad. and we will both realize how much we hate how everything is, or we'll acknowledge that we hate ourselves, because we can't pretend so well when we're drunk.. it'll be bad, and then we'll go back to what everyone else is doing and be ok or something. or at least resume pretending..

im going christmas shopping on sunday, im really excited. thats my favorite part about christmas. that i can spend money and not feel bad. i always feel bad when i spend on myself, bc i have so much debt and stuff thats more important than new clothes and whatnot. but at christmastime, i have money saved up that i get to spend on finding happiness for others. which still pisses me off, bc im still getting pleasure out of feeding capitalism and comsuming....

didnt i say i was gonna be brief? oops. im gonna do that whole crossword routine, and then dreaaaamm all night. xo.

i finished my paper! wheee! i finished several hours ago. three to be exactly. then i got fucked up. you know, some great reward. now im talking to mike. before i was tlaking to jesse. he gets into this lyric mode thing sometimes, and tonight it was "josie" by blink 182.. we go line for line. it was weird, though, bc that song was actually in my head the whole time i was cleaning and making dinner. and i havent heard it in like 3 years.

i totally didnt even get dressed today. before i kept getting confused bc i kept my glasses on all day, and i kept forgetting and freaking out when i had no periphreal vision. ok, not freaking out, but just being startled for a sec, you know. probably bc im retarded.

i should go to bed, but im so addicted to conversation. i can never sign off till the people im talking to go first. i have to get up at 9, at the latest. i should get up earlier, bc i need to shower. i have to go to newark and grade undergrad essays. i have to be there around 11. i have to then leave there and go straight to work, which is VERY boo. i hate hate hate going straight from someplace other than my home to work. i have to carry around all my crap. and those gross shoes for crews. eeew. my teeth hurt.

as always, my back hurts, and also my knees. this couch... ugh. i cant wait to move back to long island and get a comfy bed and some furniture. mmm furniture.

i need a boy. any boy would do right now. ok, well thats not true, bc most of my exes would be out of the question, as well as 99% of the male population of the world.

i will sleep..

..sometimes it rains inside my head, all the words run dry...

just taking a five second break from my paper.. i feel really good today. i talked to mike last night for like 2.5 hours, and i verbalized a lot of things that i had not really thought about before. we were talking about the enigma, and he said "you know you would drop everything and be like 'ok' if he broke up with his girlfriend and wanted to be with you." but you know what? i wouldnt. bc he tried that once before, and he didnt know what he wanted. and im not doing that again. i'm kind of through being strung along. i think that the conversation we had last night was one of the healthiest dialogues i have participated in for a while. i feel sort of liberated. im through with being the girl you can always feel that you could fall back on. im through being everything you thought i was. im through with you.. for now.

..if i could start again, a million miles away, i would keep myself, i would find a way..

..i'm talented at breathing, especially exhaling, so that my chest will rise and fall with yours..

i did that whole library thing again.. except today the copies cost me $25. that blew my mind. i was like.. this is CRAZY. cos kind of it was. but then i met up with kimberly, we went to the best diner in the city, the malibu. we got soo much fooood!! fuckin, we shared FIVE plates. we started off with mozzerella sticks, then we shared grilled cheese, a pizza bagel, and a plate of mashed potatoes. the diner was really busy so we just babbled and babbled for like 3 hours. we were finished eating for like an hour before our waiter checked back on us. which was fine bc we were chatting and laughing and being our crazy selves. my favorite thing about kim is that we both talk in sounds, so we understand each other, lol. plus we are both crazy. like mentally off, not like "WWOOOOO PARTY." you know. so then we shared a piece of cheesecake, and i had like four cups of coffee and we were like blah blah blah. then kim got sleepy, so we asked for our check. then we went to cvs, where some girl was like "the line is over here" all snotty, and we were like "yah, we're coming" cos we had just stopped to look at something. bitch was acting like we were trying to cut the line or something. it was funny though. we took the E train and marvelled at the penned in little sealed off staircase on the front end of the 23rd St platform. i got off at my stop, and went to the ghost. so i get on the train, and i sit down, and then this lady comes on, and the girl sitting perpendicular to the row of seats im in has her feet on the seat in front of her, and this lady glares at her, making her remove her feet, and sits next to me instead of on the seat the girl moved her feet from, and puts her BAG on the seat. i was like "you people.." its like the time antonia and i were on the train and this fat lady asked antonia if she could get up so (fat lady) she could sit, and she didnt really need two seats, but she wanted to put her bags on one.. and antonia stood while this ladys bags got to sit. it also bothers me when yr squished in yr seat, and then someone who is way too big for the small space left sits down, and then worms their way into taking up enough room for two people while everyone else suffers. or they like spill over onto yr seat. also, i cant stand people who stand on the walk side (the LEFT SIDE, for those of you who suck and dont know it) of the escalator. i have the worst problem with those type, and im always like "SCUSE ME" as i push past them. motherfuckers.

my head feels itchy, but im relatively clean right now. i still smell nice. i took a shower before bed last night. i finished my research to the best of my.. well, no im lying. i could have done so much better, but im a slacker, and therefore, i did it to the best of my last minute ability.. but i finished it nonetheless, it does not really correlate to what i wanted to do, so i shall improvise and write a shitty paper. i dont care about my grade anymore. im tired of school. i just wanna be DONE. one C won't kill me. so take that professor princeton man with wayyy high expectations from rutgers students. we're here bc we didn't get into ivy league schools, guy. dont treat us like we're that good, ok? our prof's regular job is at princeton, and it was the first time he taught a grad class. the class part was great, the readings were intriuging and made me think soooo much differently about everything in this country, the conservative revolution, the suburbs and (un)fair housing, suburban/urban environments, the way we buy things like its the only thing that'll make us happy.. it was kind of a good experience for me, bc it made me realize that i dont fit in the system. i dont thrive on buying things or having possessions, i love the clothes i have, and i wear them till they fall apart. when i do have some money, i spend it on music and cds, and i dont buy very many big corporate bands, so the money i spend on cds goes to people who are struggling kind of like me. bc being an academic is a lot like being a musician. i have not eaten mcdonalds since i read that the natural flavor in the fries is beef, and im vegetarian. i mean i guess i was eating them till now, but still. i dont know. i dont eat much fast food, though i do work in a corporate restaurant (you have to yeild to the system... if i didnt work, i would die, and restaurant jobs are hard to come by these days).. i basically just dont need stuff to be happy. last week when steve and i went to milburne (nj) for our dinner class, we were driving through these fancy pants neighborhoods with HUGE houses, and we were both like "why do you need so much space? to fill with meaningless possessions?" i'd be happy in a small house, with mininal things, as long as i had music and good people. and you know what, thats what we have here. we dont have cable, we have bunny ears. we dont have high speed internet, wont dont have a KITCHEN TABLE.. well our place is too small for a kitchen table, but still. we have an uncomfortable futon (though the enigma loooves our couch. or maybe its just cos we always watch movies and make out on it ahaha), a step stool that doubles as an ottoman, a broked ass stereo which only plays cds half the time.. we have an 8 bit nintendo (although i also have ps2 bc i loooove video games).. but i have the best friends ever, awesome people who fill my life with meaning and love and music. and we do, however, have art on the walls, which makes us look cultured. candace is more cosmopolitan that i am. i have a watercolor that my moms boyfriend made me for my birthday last year. have i ever told you that he is a fabulous artist, despite how i feel about him personally. he has all these paintings that my mom modeled for (cos she is and always has been hot), and they are of angels with mechanical body parts. he used her legs for them. he also has other bizarre paintings, and they are all very interesting and even life-like. they went to paris, and he painted in monet's garden, which was a big deal. my mothers house has always been filled with his work (they have been together since i was like 6 or something). but my water color is all blue, different shades of blue, bc he knows its my favorite color. last year he had a show in brooklyn, that was pretty exciting. he is an aries like me, and my mother swears that i am his child. i guess im a lot like him, he was a huge influence on me. when i met him, he was wearing eyeliner and he had a mohawk. he was totally new wave, and he introduced me to the cure and depeche mode. i remember my mom had "kiss me kiss me kiss me" and i listened to it a lot, and then he gave me his "kiss me.." pin, which i still have, actually. it was little tiny, and its on my pearl jam jeans jacket my dad had made for me when i was in junior high. i remember being little and listening to dead or alive (which is a really old memory i have of our mother driving us to montessori day camp in the fiero.. which was a two seater, rich and i had to share the passenger seat) the pet shop boys and erasure.. but anyway. they broke up when i was in 5th grade, and my mom started seeing this asshole randy. he lived in VA beach, but he was up here on business like every week. we didnt like randy. we hated going to visit him for spring break, and we hated when he was there. he looked like.. fuckin.. bruce reynolds? is that an actor? jesse says im thinking of tom selleck. the dude in three men and a baby. anyway, he wanted to get married, and my mom didnt wanna do that bc she didnt wanna get married again while we were still in the house and stuff, which i kind of admire.. she put us first, and she didnt want some nonfather man coming in and trying to raise us. anyway, so that was that. then there was lee, who was super OCD. but he was really nice, and he was obsessed with siamese cats. then they got back together, momma and jay. they would sporadically break up and get back together for the next, oh, ten years.. but then he did a schmuck ass thing and cheated on my mom for like the eightieth time with a 30 y/o woman from work. blah blah, she moved in with him and she brought her 3 year old son.. needless to say, that didnt work out, and my mom took him back. but ever since then, things havent been the same between jay and i. im old enough to understand what happened this time, and im old enough to care. but she loves him, and i think she does, but they will never be happy. i mean, really happy. she cant trust him, and she has no reason to. but she isnt happy with anyone else.. plus ive become more cemented in my political beliefs, which are like the EXACT opposite of his.. and he has this really condescending way of talking to you, like he is always right. you cant argue with him, bc he cuts you off, and makes you feel small. he made me cry on christmas last year by berating me about my beliefs. bah to him.

not to change the subject, but there is this little kid on jimmy kimmel (i think) hanging out with lord of the rings geeks.. and this one guy is dressed up as some charactor and the kid asked him who did his dreads, and he was like "do i have to say?" and the kid was like "yes, was it yr momma?" and he was like all nodding his head like a little kid. it was kinda sad. he was like half bald. i havent seen any of the LOR movies, they are waaaayyy too long for me. i'll watch them at home, maybe. i cant keep my attention on anything for 3 hours, let alone a fantasy movie.. but oh well. i shall be one of the few people on earth who havent seen it.

i really need someone to come scratch my back. i love having my back scratched.. im not so into massages, but scratches are great. it always feels so good after. i used to scratch chazs back all softly for him. it soothed him. maybe i got it from him.

oh, so ryan forwarded me an email flyer for a 97 reunion show on li.. its integrity, tension*, cleanser.. i was laughing so hard when i opened my email this morning, and i was like "we are so going!" i hope the sons kids arent there, they might be, what with cleanser playing and everything. the email was sent to davin, also, which is *hilarious*.. i was like "imagine he goes??" to ryan and he laughed. ryan HATED davin, bc ryan liked me and i made out with davin. it was funny. he was the worst though, and he was a snotty rich kid from .. i cant remember, oh yah lawrence. he was from lawrence, which is super rich kid land. thats also where my first roommate in college was from, and she got an eclipse for her 17th bday, and she was the biggest druggie bc of the money she had. but she was cool, and i sometimes miss her. crazy lauren, how we hated each other for the entire first semester of our year together. crazing screaming matches at 3am.. then we went to the tunnel together and everything changed. that was a crazy night. i went with my friend chris, actually, he was like my ex, and we called him reno (and he is the reason that the sons kids hate me..). anyway, so i went with reno and we met up with tex and all these cats from pace.. steve and dennis went, i think, and so did jess.. that was the first time any of us (except reno and tex) had been to tunnel, and it was funny bc jess went in a regular girl, and came out a raver. speaking of all these kids, we took a group photo outside of pace at adams memorial, and i was supposed to send copies to all my college people, but i never got it done bc i am lame. and i am also broke, so.. maybe ill do it eventually...

my gosh am i babbling. ive told my (and my moms) life story tonight. blah blah blah. my back hurts, as usual.. our couch is not conducive to good posture. i asked kim if she would still be my friend when im a hunch back with one eye poked out due to irresponsible umbrella carriers.. she said she would, so YAY. when you are shunning me, i shall still be loved by kimberly. wooohooo.

i shall end here, and leave you with a bunch of lyrics. sweet dreams, and wish me luck with my crazy 12 page paper tomorrow..........

...and i wish this was seamless, that there was no pain. there is no way. why do we do, yah what we do? why do we do, what we do? and i'll still remember...

...you make this all go away, you make this all go away, im down to just one thing, and im starting to scare myself. you make this all go away, you make this all go away, i just want something.. i just want something i can never have...

...hey lush have fun, its the weekend.. no i dont think that you know what youve been missing.. just forget me, its that simple...

...crying 'who am i, if im alone? i hardly exist at all. lets pretend that we dont need anything anymore, or anyone. i dont wanna feel anything anymore - lets just pretend..' we'll live happily ever after...

...this bed is too big to sleep in and im dying just to feel you breathe...

...without you, everything falls apart. without you, its not as much fun to pick up the pieces...

...if you live through this with me i swear that i would die for you...

...this is the bed that i have made, this is the grave where i will lay, these are the hands where i will bury my face. i dont believe in wasting time, searching for truth you'll never find, nobody moves we live in the great decay. all these ghost towns share a name, anywhere usa. all these strangers look the same, day after day after day, this great decay from birth to the grave...

ok. goodnight. xoxo.

let me tell you about the new york public library. it sucks. SUCKS. first, you walk in, and there are people everywhere, gawking. but there is no floor plan, so you must find a guard and be like "so.. wheres the library part?" its on the third floor, in case you ever have to go. so its really pretty and yr like "wow, this place is amazing." but then it starts. you sit at the little computer and fill out yr little slips (with your name, address and school or business, so they can moniter what yr reading.. and i guess i would be on some govt list for looking up a lot of shit on communism. oops, if i disappear, i love you all), then you get to the desk, and they say you can only have three books at a time, but you have a stack of slips, so yr mad. oh, did i mention that you cant take books out? its not a circulating collection, you can only look at yr books in the reading room. so ok. you turn in yr three little slips, then the girl tells you that you have to get a photo id taken, which irritates you further. you go fill out this form thing online, then you get a digital picture taken and yr id comes out. mine is fabulous. i was kind of pissed off bc i could only have three books, so i didnt smile and i was tired, so it looks like my boyfriend beat me up last night. candace said it looks like im about to say "what the FUCK?" which was true. so. then you sit there for a half hour, waiting for the runners to get yr books, and yr number pops up onto the board and yr like YAY, but the line is long, also. then you take yr books to a table in the reading room, where you try to study with tourists CONSTANTLY taking pictures. at that point, you want to get up and scream, and be like "im trying to STUDY, dont you get it? stop being the worst." so whatever, you get immune to the flashbulbs after a while, and you mark all yr pages, bc like i said, you cant take the books out. noooo, you have to go to the little penned in photocopy place, where you wait on line and get a copy card and pay FIFTEEN CENTS per copy. mind you, three of the six machines are broken, so yr like "hmm, where is my fifteen cents going?" but its not bad enough that i *have to* make copies, but i also have to pay an exorbinent (spelling?) amount for them. but alas, by now its 630, and it makes no sense to wait another half hour for some books, then have to give them back at 7:30 (yes, it closes that early.. who needs learning materials, anyway?), so you leave with your $15 worth of paper, and battle the tourists ooohing and aaahing about the tree in rock centre to get to the E train at 5th Ave/53rd St.

so that was my day in a nutshell. tomorrow i have to repeat the process. but i already have my little slips (since my stack was only reduced by 6), and i already have my stupid id. the plus side is that ive already read the material and made notes, bc lord knows i wasnt gonna make a copy unless there was a potential quote on the page. i do have to make two more slips, however, bc i forgot to get material about the kitchen debates. but lucky for me, lizabeth cohen did the work for me, and note 27 on page 126 leads me to the exact books and better yet, the exact page numbers. so i can skip reading them, and just copy the few pages she has cited. the downside is that there are like 40 libraries (or like 5), and i have to go to two of them tomorrow. i have to go to the 34th and madison library for three of my books. but at least its a nice round number, since three is the limit. i cant decide which library i want to go to first. see, i could take the 7 straight to the 42nd st one, but then i have to wait outside on an elevated platform. or i could take the V straight there, also. actually, i could prob take the V to either branch. i should prob go to the 34th st one first, since i am already right familiar with the 42nd st one, and i wont waste any time there. but if so, i wanna be at the 42nd st branch by 1 or 2, at the very latest, since i got there at 2 today and i only got through 6 books. it was already 330 when i started on my books though, so.. i just have to make sure i get out of bed in the morning. i should go to the 42nd st one second, since im supposed to meet kimberly after her shift. we are going to the diner. mmm.. diner.

i need a shower SO BAD. so bad. i feel like a pile of filth. its almost 11, so i should get on that, i guess. i already did my crossword, so i have nothing to look forward to. boooo.

YAY more rain tomorrow! i love rain! fucking ugh. im so over wet wintery weather, really.

oh another funny thing. i was at therapy this morning, and i went to throw out my coffee lid and i did it with the usual "meep" sound effect. so we talked about my sounds for a while. i cant do anything without assigning a sound to my action. like i said, its usually a "meep" or some varation of, like "mep" or "mmmmmeeep." sometimes its a bleep or a blip or bleeee. i do it when poking others (which i do nonstop), when throwing anything away, when putting things down. its not even conscious. im crazy. thats it.

im out. the shower calls, its like "i can make you clean again!" so i shall obey and rid myself of the layer of dirt that has attached itself to my body. mmm, clean.....

im watching ex-treme dating, as usual, and this guy just described himself as a relationship whore. he said he tends to jump into relationships, and then stay in them way too long, to avoid breaking up, until breaking up is a mess. yah, thats me, too.

so i worked tonight. it was ok. i had people who sat and sat, though (boothes seem to command chilling for longer than necessary). i made enough money.

i heard from the enigma tonight. i got a text message at like 5:15.. something like "just saying hi, how have you been? ive been ok. i need some hugs if you know anyone who has some extra. how was yr weekend, wet enough?" so i said i had an unending supply of hugs for him. and then he didnt respond so i was like "what are you too good for my hugs hehe.." so he said "no way why? thats why i was telling you i need some." so i said something back, who knows what. oh i think i demanded that he come and get some hugs, but he told me that they got into an accident yesterday in the van, and they are working on it, bc they need it for the weekend. and he told me that im the best. i was so tempted to be like "aint you got a woman to take care of the hug need?" but that would be silly, since i *want* to hug him, not be a dick. i was so excited to hear from him, but at the same time i was like aaack bc i was doing so well with not feeling. i guess technically im still not. i mean, i am, but its weird. like im being patient. whatever happens, will happen. im letting my life do what it has to do, im relinquishing control over it. (riiiiight)

there is a commerical for fired up (the dance cd) on, and im totally having flashbacks to high school.. "do you miss me" by jocelyn enriquez was just on. supermatchboxxx covered that. "blue (aba de aba dah)" was the anthem of my moms midlife crisis. that amber song.. "this is yr night" katie had the single and we listened to it a bunch of times bc she was obsessed (i think it was that song, at least) then the cd disappeared and she thought i threw it out the window, but alas.. i did not. i kind of wish i had. i was like "enough!" but she had to keep listening lol. we had so much fun, katie and me and our adventures. like smoking and driving down sunrise highway.. she had tweety slippers on and she had her feet up on the vents and she was laughing bc she was being ghetto (that was our big joke, turning ghetto) and she broke my vent. we drove to the gristmill and had a terrifying experience being tailgated and scariness.. or when we drove in her old tercel (the blue turtle), the heat in that car was like summertime, and we would wear t shirts in the dead of winter, blasting wbli (ie backstreet boys at the time), screaming along and smoking cigarettes. she was at pace when we snuck the keg into the building freshman year and proceeded to have a keg party. and travis' sink.. i love my katie girl.

i have therapy in the morning, and then im going to go to the ny public library. do my research. i gave away my shift, so i have no excuse not to go. i might go to pace, also.. i dont want to, i hate going there, i hate the whole experience of it, wondering who i'll run into. i havent been there in forfuckingever. i think i went to century 21 in october, and that was the last time i was in the neighborhood. but i must go to the school of ed to get my shit together. i'd also like to go to the pace library to look at the book camille told me to see to look up schools to send my resume to. the fifth wheel is on, and its a ghetto one. ugh. i hate when its divas. i made myself another egg sandwich before. i might have some yogurt soon. im still hungry.

i really have nothing else to babble about..

i'm supposed to be at the library, right? wrong! due to budget cutbacks, the library is now closed on mondays. what the hell? its a fucking weekday. i need the library. kim forgot to call me to make sure i got up. but thats ok, bc i didnt go anyway. now im going to give up my shift for tomorrow.. i will only make $27, anyway, so its not a big loss. i have a good section tonight (bar 6, three booths,woo! and hopefully gregg is closing, bc then i will be there till late, and will make a lot of money.).. im working upstairs in 7 friday night, which is a closer.. three tables next to the window, which you cant see out, but people loooove. then i have a crappy sat am shift, but im alright with it, its the last saturday before christmas, mad people will be out shopping, so hopefully i can pull in $100. that would give me about $300 more christmas shopping, which would give me about $400, and i would be very happy with that. im actually hoping for a wee bit more, like maybe $500, but i have some available credit too.. which would be unwise to abuse, but hell. its christmas! i'd like to get something for everyone this year.. i have to get the usual people (mom, dad, rich, antonia, katie..), but i want to get something for my cousins, and something for am's baby.. and i'd like to get something for my godparents, bc they are coming over to the house for christmas. my mom and i are making christmas dinner, and i am soooo excited. i should email my dad. i talked to him the other day and he was being all beligerent bc i made my fabulous soup for thanksgiving, and im making it for christmas, and i made it at the dinner party, but i havent made it for him. so i said i would make it for christmas eve. i should email the ingredients, bc i am not bringing them.

blah. im so tired of this saddam crap. i mean. i just dont think he was planning on taking over the world, or producing weapons of mass destruction. not that i think he wouldnt have if he could, but seriously. he had no planes or anything to deliver a nuclear weapon.. and besides, it takes fuckin skill, and i just dont think they had the technology.. he was the distraction. oops, we cant find osama, lets get another arab instead. we can have a hunt while also distracting people from realizing that all this is in effort to establish an American hegemony across the world. your culture isn't like ours, nor is it conducive to capitalism, so we will destroy you, and make yr people conform. soon american companies can move into the middle east, hire the people at slave wages in order to promote profit, and they will no longer be rebelling. on a related note, i heard there was an insurrection in iraq over the weekend bc they wanted to be paid more than $60 a month (i guess the US is paying the iraqi army?). imagine living on only $60 a month? the way these people think.. the way that the capitalists think.. it blows my mind. people cant live on $60 a month, nor can they live on $5.15 an hour. i made like $15,000 this year already, and *i* cant survive on that. i am a family of ONE, and im not a big spender. i dont party, i dont go out to eat a lot, in fact, i dont even eat a lot. granted i would have like $100 more a week if i quit smoking. well maybe not that much. but its like $5 a pack (cos parliaments are always buy two get one), and i smoke like a pack and a half a day. but regardless, i dont see how the poverty line is so low. its like $2,000 for a family of FOUR. i might be way wrong on this though. however, i do know that its ridiculously low, and that it blows my mind that people can be employed and make so little money.. all my money goes to paying the capitalists. its a stupid money cycle. they pay me meager wages (or in my case, they simply pay my taxes, the public pays me my wages), which i put in the bank (and pay the bank to hold onto for me), and then pay the landlord or the credit card people, so all the money does is circulate.. and it circulates to and from capitalists, through my bank account. its like tranferring funds through a middle man. why doesnt my job just pay my landlord? the money is never mine, its always being spent on promoting the lifestyle of a group of capitalists. i can sit here and i can work hard to make money, and never have any for myself, while corporate heads sit on golf carts or at home being pampered.. for doing nothing except getting paid huge dividends. wow, im ranting hardcore. must shush.

there is nothing on. i would usually watch ricki lake, but its a repeat and i just saw it last week. so im like watching this other crappy show. i might have some cocoa pebbles in a second. the wind outside is pretty intense..

i have to leave for work at 3. which is almost two hours away. i hope hope hope that tim isnt there. because i am so over him right now. i have to fuss about my schedule. i cant deal with this. anyway i think im gonna get eat that cereal. byebye.

http://www.fotolog.net/all_photos.html?t=470&p=11&user=neckface

you must go to this webpage and understand my obsession with neckface. i started noticing them last year when i lived in williamsburg, and then i started noticing them all over the city. in september, sean bought me a disposable camera and we wandered around chelsea/the village/the LES, and took pics of neckface's. i have to get the roll developed still. too broke, boo. or maybe i already got them. i think i might have. it might be the roll in my regular camera that needs to be developed. both rolls had pics from kims bday on them.

so we are going out to parrrty saturday night. i hope i am in the mood to drink. im thinking no. but i shall. because we must celebrate the end of the semester and rejoice in the noschoolness of it all.

i ate so much today. like ALL the groceries i bought except what i got for tonights dinner. candace never came home (surprise, surprise), but i had made brownies. so i ate them too. my back hurts and i feel gorged. i talked to mike for a while online, then kim called and i babbled with her for some time.. came back to aol, talked to mike some more, talked to john and jesse. i was snowbound. i need me a man, someone who amazes me. someone who makes me wanna go out and do things and not sit in and watch the late movie on channel 7. i just watched two small voices, which was a true story of two women who had breast implants gone awry. before that, i watched secret santa, which was a tv movie starring jennie garth.. it was my plan to watch national lampoons xmas vacation, but the capture of saddam overpowered the channel and they forewent the movie for coverage. its not like the iraqi people are going to miraculously stop resisting imperialism now that saddam has been caught. seriously. they'll keep rebelling. duh.

im kinda sleepy. the enigma was online before, for like 2 hours, but he never sent me a message. i dont know what to make of it anymore. well kind of i do. he probably feels badly about what happened thanksgiving eve, and now hes avoiding me. i should have known. our friendship can never be compatable with him having a girlfriend, so i just have to let go. which i pretty much am doing. i havent got much to say about it, though i feel so much. but why put it into empty words? i know what i feel, i know what i think, and you dont have to understand.

kim gave me my work schedule for the weekend. im supposed to open for brunch again sat am, which i am going to protest, seeing as im closing fri night. i cant handle it. i have a sun am shift which im going to give away so i can go xmas shopping with candace. that is, if she still wants to, bc she NEVER comes home anymore. i need to go to bed soon, kimberly is calling me at like 1030 to make sure i get up and go to the library. i hope its busy tomorrow. i need to make some money. im in the bar, which is a plus.. bar 6. i have 3 booths, so that should be mildly profitable. i'd like to make $100. i need to have xmas money! :) im working on the 23rd at 430. i figure maybe ill go straight to li afterward. i think my mom will be awake, since she'll be preparing for the christmas festivities.

did i say before that i talked to my mom? well, i did. and she told me i should see pearl harbor. and i asked wasnt josh hartnett in that.. and we mutually swooned over his beauty. i told her that kim and i want to stalk him, and she was like "why arent you?!" then she was like "you dont even have to stalk him, just track him down and trip on the sidewalk in front of him." ahaha. ways to make josh hartnett fall in love with me. i think he moved back to minnesota though, or missouri, or wherever hes from. boo..

my face is itchy, and the heat is making me feel icky. i think im sleepy. even though i only woke up 12 hours ago. ill just lay in my bed till i fall asleep. which might take a while, i suppose. but im ready. my eyes are a wee bit droopy, and tv holds no wonder for me tonight. i want to give away my tuesday shift, also. that way i can also work on my paper then. i really need to bang out this research and my paper. i cant be slacking any longer. im being very random right now, my subjects arent divided, im not catagorizing separate thoughts into separate paragraphs.. i also need to starve myself for about 6 weeks after all this eating ive done in the past week or so. ill be sorry when i dont fit in any of my pants. this actress just said, "shes from a small town off the coast of miami" when describing her character. off the coast of miami? is there an island there? bah. maybe up the coast from, or something, but not off the coast. get it right.

i think ive smoked 90 thousand cigarettes today. im so bad with them. i want to cut down but im so impulsive, i just dont think before i light up.

i think i miss the enigma right now. like i wish i could get a hug. thats so out of the question though. i have to avoid him at all costs, i need to move on, because like ive said before, i cant keep falling in love.. its not fair anymore, not like it ever really was..

i shall sleep....

its just me and the snow
no where to go
but even if there was, would i leave?

well its sunday again. isnt it always? im waiting for my mom to call me back..

i just went grocery shopping. i got 2 great big boxes of cocoa pebbles for $6!! YAY! they seem to always be on sale. but thats ok, bc that size usually goes for $4.59, anyway, so i got a good deal. i got eggs and rolls and cheese, so i can make egg sandwiches. i got some tortellini, bread, sauce, crackers, yogurt.. and for tonights dinner, i got egg noodles, red potatoes and corn on the cob. im going to boil the potatoes and mash them. i might also make some egg salad later this week. oh, and i got cream of potato soup, as well as vegetarian split pea. i think im gonna make brownies also.

i was going to go to newark and do research today, but i didnt wanna go there in the snow. plus everything moves so slowly on sundays. so instead i stayed in bed till 2:30. i didnt plan it that way. my friend chris was maybe gonna come over, but the snow cancelled that. i told him to call me around noon if he wanted to come out, and i didnt set an alarm.. and i guess since i was up for 21 hours on 4 hours of sleep, my body slept extra.

i just talked to my momma and ate an egg sandwich. it was quite delectable. only now i have to do dishes again. boo. i cleaned out the fridge when i got home from the grocery store, and now im talking to my friend val on instant message. i think i got some egg in my hair. ew. well, i still need that shower i talked about last night, so i guess its not all bad.

anyway. maybe ill say more later.

... remember when i said i i love you, well forget it, i take it back. i was just a stupid kid back then. i take back every word that i said ...
a l k a l i n e t r i o

im watching snl. elijah wood is hosting. i like the name elijah for a boy. i also LOVE jacob and jonas. and jeremy. not that i'll be having any kids any time soon. candaces sister is pregnant, and we talked about names, so its on my mind. i think that when i do have kids, i will pull hard for "jacob" for a boy, though. rally round the name! anyway. i never really put any thought into girls names, but i like collette. i also like jenna and gwendolyn. and genevieve. kinda.. i like a lot of old names.

im bored. boo. my throat is sore. i'll probably get the flu. the flu gods will strike me down for mocking the flu shot, and saying that its unnecessary bc people have lived with the flu this long, and it sucks, but it passes and.. yah. i will be struck ill for my missayings.

it took me so long to get to work this morning. the G train hung out in the 21st - van alst station for like 15 minutes. the conductor was like "there are two G trains in the pocket at court square, and we're waiting for one to cross." so i waited and waited for this mythical train to cross ahead of us.. and finally it did, there was a southbound train so we could clear, but we roll in and guess what? no trains. NO TRAINS. that means there was only ONE in the pocket. i was kind of mad. then i just missed the E and it was FREEZING down there, and i guess the G trains were backed up due to that mythical train, and like four trains came in before the E did, so there were a lot of people on the platform. at 8:30 on a saturday morning! i was shocked. i didnt think so many people would be out at what i thought to be a wholly ungodly hour. but there were, and there were many.

ugh i cant think right now. i wanted to write before but i got sidetracked in being half asleep on the couch. i had a fabulous evening in front of the tv. i watched bob barker's 80th bday price is right, then i watched hack, then i watched the district. they were ok. police dramas. then the news, where i learned that tomorrow is expected to bring wet weather. i have to go to the bodega and get some cherry cokes, and i guess maybe i'll pass through the grocery store also, bc i am not going to newark in a nor'easter. nope nope nope. fuck the library, bro. i cant think of what i wanna eat though. im thinking mashed potatoes maybe. im not sure yet, i might have to be at the store and get inspired to cook something wonderful. i wish i could make the potato soup, but i dont want to half it.. im going to make it for christmas, so i think i can wait a week and a half for my soup. i kinda wanna get some yogurts. and snack like things, bc i'm always hungry. maybe some soup. mmm, soup. i love groceries. if i won a large sum of money, the first place i would go would be the grocery store, and i would buy a ton of cherry coke and junk food. and i would love it.

oh no, showtime at the apollo is on. i HATE HATE HATE the host. i hate her, i hate her. i really liked it when the dude hosted, but this woman is simply outrageous and obnoxious and irritating and i hate how she flaunts her fat. i mean. i guess its good that she thinks shes beautiful and all, but i dont wanna see the folds, ok? ok.

i want a new tattoo. i want an aries. im also thinking about getting a word in cyrillic on my lower back. but i wouldnt tell anyone what it meant. it would be my secret. HA. well i guess if they spoke russian they would be able to read it. but not the average person. cos the only other people i know who speak russian are steve, antonia and grover. and i think out of those three, only grover is fluent. i thought i would only get this one, but no. i might be addicted. i kinda want to get something that will require work, but.. i dunno, im so basic. not that thats a bad thing, i dont mean im basic like boring, but my life is very.. i cant think of the word to describe it. but basic tattoos feel right for me. i mean, i love intricate designs on boys, but i dont want a sleeve for myself. i also want to get my tattoo fixed, bc the red on the right side is more dark and vibrant on the right side. it looks like she missed some spots on the left side, and its kinda weird. id also like the bottom right line to get thickened, and to round out the top left side. i kind of like it demented like this, too, though. that was the point, to have an imperfect heart to wear on my sleeve. just like real life.

i talked to my friend chris, who is in the community service project, tonight, and he said that when i learn guitar, we should start a band with the illustrious jamie gates. i said YAH YAH! more incentive for me to learn! we would just need a drummer. chris said we should jam when i learn. i think i will suck at it, but bart is gonna teach me, and he is quite patient, so maybe it will go well. bc i am certainly impatient. and i am also cold.

i need a shower. that would be so nice. but im going to bed shortly, so i dont wanna go to bed with a wet head. and candace is sleeping, so i dont wanna dry my hair. i'll save my shower for after i go out in the rain tomorrow, i think. the rain/snow/sleet, rather. depending on what time i go. i'm only travelling in a four block radius, so it won't be too bad. but its supposed to be wicked windy like, which is boo. certainly. maybe i'll call ryan. if he's around, he can DRIVE me to keyfood! but he is mister anti-social-in-love-boy. bah to people in love, i say. bah.

i hate when boys have a soprano voice. like this guy, he was last years winner of the amatuer contest on apollo. jayro something. he's wearing awful shoes, also. and channel 4 just magically disappeared into blue screen. peculiar. ooh i think ER is on. like i need to get drawn into television. but i dont wanna go to bed quite yet. im almost out of cherry coke so i should go to bed soon or else suffer thirst.

anyway my legs hurt so im gonna go to bed now. or just watch tv and see if anyone interesting pops online. hmm....

i have worked 17 of the past 24 hours. i am thoroughly against ever doing this again. i worked from 4-1 last night, and from 9-5:30 today. i got home at 2, babbled with jesse for a while, went to bed at 3:30, got up at 7:30... ugh. we started this crappy brunch shit this morning. tim was there, of course, and he was making everyone miserable. it was soo busy and food was taking forFUCKINGever.. there were huge parties, and the hostesses kept seating them in the rooms and people would sit and no one would wait on them.. and the whole time, tim, who is our regional manager, was just sitting at a table with some friends, pointing out what we were doing wrong, and getting up occasionally to yell at us. god forbid he should do anything to help. so i gave justin my shift tomorrow, i cant deal with it anymore. all the people i was working with are drama queens, and i was tired and cranky, which i *told* everyone when i got there.. i was like "im doing this on no sleep, so i'll get bitchy" and i avoided interaction with all other servers, unless they got in my face. fuckin kiki comes into the sidestation and im trying to make 14 sodas for this party i had and she like wants me to move out of the way. wait yr motherfuckin turn, let me finish up and then you can have the whole fountain. but of course when i said something, she interpreted it as me going ballistic, bc shes like that, and was combative the whole rest of the shift. i was like just dont talk to me, or do anything, and this will go smoothly. but of course not. must push gille's buttons...

anyway. i ate mcdonalds more than anyone should ever eat mcdonalds in their lives today. i had hotcakes and a hasbrown for breakfast, then we tasted the brunch and our new desserts.. the desserts are goooood, creme brulee (spelling?) and some fried bananas and we finally have empinadas. then i just ate three cheeseburgers with no meat and mac sauce mmm and mozzerella sticks. and after all that, kim still says im too skinny and need to eat more. i think i ate plenty. if im not careful, i'll get all fat like when i was with nick again. ugh. that would be horrendous. ive been a bottomless pit this week. friday night she was like "we have to go to the diner so i can SEE you eat." i dont even know why people are so concerned about my weight. its no big deal. yesterday sammy was on my case too, constantly asking me if i was on a diet and pulling at the back of my pants. so they are too big. they have been for a while. i got them like 2 years ago, and ive lost weight since then. its not like im a size 0, im still a 4 or 6, so whatever to everyone who thinks its their business.

i hate saturday nights. i never do anything bc i never want to spend any money. bart invited me over to kim and baxter's place tonight, but i dont think i'll make it out to kew gardens on 4 hours sleep. im relatively cranky, which is never good for hanging out there, bc i will undoubtedly get bitchy and just leave without saying anything to anyone, and kim will be like "what the hell?" and ill be like "i wasnt having fun" and it will be drama. so i'll stay home and watch cops. and ill watch snl later, then i shall sleep. i have to go to newark tomorrow and try to get some research done. i wanted to go to the NY public library but its closed on sundays. i told jesse that, and he made a very fitting remark: "what the hell? porn stores are open 24/7, and the library is open like 10 hours a week. thats whats wrong with america."

other than that i have nothing to report. i had a weird dream the other night. i dreamt that joe had a pet squirrel, and that i was with him and some of his friends, and it was in a box, but it got out and i had to get it back in, but it bit me. and it was a venomous squirrel, so my hand turned black, but he didnt notice and they got in his car and drove away. so i was stuck with this squirrel and i guess his mother (whom i have never met) came and got it, and she was like "so yr the girl that made him all smiles.." so i went with her, but as i got there, they were getting in the van to go play on the road or go on tour or something, and there were a few girls.. and one of them was this cute blonde who i somehow knew was the girl (i love how i cannot bear to speak or type her name, ever). and i was so sad, and it really hurt to actually see her (bc i have never met her, either), but he didnt notice me, and they left. but my hand was black and i was dying i guess and i woke up.. the only sense i can make of it is that maybe it parallels the fact that hes always hurting me, and he's always oblivious to it. maybe its bc i never let on that im not ok.

anyway the people upstairs appear to be bouncing a basketball. or perhaps four balls. who knows. so im gonna go and lose this soberness or else im relatively positive that it will drive me insane...

i wrote a 10 page paper today. well. actually im only on 8.5, but shhhh dont tell candace. ill finish it in the morning. maybe. im supposed to go to the library but i think i will not. take that!

i cant remember if i already posted a blog today. i think i thought about it earlier, but i didnt actually do it. sigh.

had an emotional conversation with my boy mike tonight.. he told me i need to move past my feelings for the enigma.. and i agree, only its not that easy. i wish it was. because im tired of feeling this way. why do i believe him when he sends an "i miss you"? i mean.. he could have been with me. what really gets me is that i resisted him. when things started to get more intense in february and march last year, i tried to avoid it. he would tell me about how hes liked me for 6 years and thought of me all the time while we werent talking and id be like "aw." never once caving, always resisting, and i actually told him i didnt know how i feel, and that i was still hurt and didnt know if i could trust him. but he kept at it, and started saying all these things that made me break down the wall and boom! all the sudden i express that i might feel it, too, and hes like "yah, i have a girl.." so whatever. but that wasnt enough. he had to continue with the "good morning beautiful"s and all that crap that kept me reeled in. and he cheated, and they broke up and i thought it meant something. i fucking went to CT for less than 10 hours just to keep him company. and what i got in return was to be passed over. mike said he's using me. bc he cant see me without stuff happening. i always wanted to think its just bc he doesnt know what he wants, but he wants her. and i fell for it, and i let myself open up, and its my fault in that way. i should have gone with my instinct and pretended the feelings were gone, lost forever..

anyway. im tired and my eyes burn from crying before. im just tired of being beautiful and amazing and everyones perfect girl with "if..." statements starting off every conversation.. if this was texas, if i didnt have a girlfriend, if we were closer, if things were different. just keep yr fucking mouth shut unless you intend to follow through with yr supposed adoration. im tired of being this fabulous little ball of wonderful that everyone wishes they could change things for, but no one wants to actually be with. im tired of flighty people, im tired of people bearing their feelings and then turning their backs.. like fuckin baxter, who told me that if this was texas... yr everything i ever wanted in a girl, but were moving in different directions.. blah blah. its not like i asked him why we werent together or even suggested we should be. he just started talking, held my hand all night, made me go home with them.. and then told kim that she had to sleep in the room with us bc it would be weird if stuff happened, and then avoid me for a month after. i wasnt gonna make a move, and i understand that it would be weird, and that he respects me too much to just sleep with me and be like, ok, we're just friends, though. you know? he's told me that, like when jolynn suggested we sleep together to relieve the sexual tension we'd both built up. but then why tell me im all these wonderful things? it just makes it harder for me, it just makes me sad. because no one wants to be a permanent fixture in my life. fuck you all, seriously. im awesome, yr all missing out.