is it too late to heal?

i dont know how to start this. i want to say im cold, but i feel like i'm always saying that.. so im trying to think of something else, but in typing this, ive somehow started anyway. i worked tonight, it was busy and i was chatty, so i made a bunch of money. i had od'ed on caffiene though, and i heard from the enigma.. which usually makes my heart race. so anyway i was garnishing drinks and full of energy, gabby. i had a wonderful message conversation with the enigma today. he sometimes gets all emo and it makes me swoon, seriously. i hate it, bc i know im soo under his spell. when i woke up i checked my short mail (bc it hardly ever alerts me to a message, so i have to periodically check it) and there was a message from him saying he was in alabama and thinking of me. maybe we could get some hugs soon.. and then he said "i'll be thinking of you." and i was like swoooooon. so i wrote back and said i'd worked the whole weekend, but hoped he had fun in florida.. so he said he was impressed that id worked 33 hours and that deserves a lot of hugs, so he'd hook me up. i told him id give him lots of hugs too and he said that sounded awesome, and that hes coming home hopefully tomorrow, but he wasnt sure bc it was a 19 hour drive.. he asked why i asked when he was coming home and i said bc i was holding him to hugs the minute he gets back. whatever the converstation was, i dont care, it took up a great part of my day, which means i was happy many times. i love hearing from him, and he gets really cute and we kept talking blah blah and he told me he was nervous the first time we ever fooled around, like it was a dream and he was waiting to wake up. and i told him that when i think about that first kiss, it still gives me chills and makes me smile ear to ear. i get this sense of exhileration... i still get that way when i see him.. i just want to hold onto him and hug him and rub his belly. and i love how it feels and how i feel when we are just laying on the couch waching a movie, engaging in hugs.. till the tension climbs to a paramount and we have that first awkward yet tingley kiss.. *sigh* and then i explode. and all i feel is good and right and perfect. but its always fleeting. whatever happens, happens and we lay there talking. you tell me about shows and tours and yr band and work and all this stuff.. then you get sleepy, and you think you should leave.. i want you to stay! i want to wake up where you are, i want to wake up beside you once again.. its been so long, we havent woken up together since connecticut, june 4.. ive since him only three times since then, the beginning of august, the middle of september, the end of november.. and not since. i keep holding my breath, hoping that he'll come back here soon, and we will hug and hug and hug.. he is always worth the wait, my heart always bursts, my stomach always has warm fuzzies.. i wish he were here more often. i wish it was april and may again, when he made an effort to come see me, when we woke up together once a week. those days were so perfect. i had so much spunk on the days i woke up with him, i was always bright and cheery.. see this is what happens to me when im anticipating his visit.. i feel like we're due for an interlude, and im so excited, i can hardly contain myself.. i get tingles and butterflies and i just start smiling maniacally for ostensibly no reason.. but inside i know its bc some flash of some memory or imagination of you has crept into my mind and im momentarily elated by the prospect of yr breath on my neck (made me lose my concentration).. we could watch bring it on, its the one you always suggest. or we could watch the breakfast club. the first time you kissed me, we had just finished watching 8 mile.. we got through the movie. it would be the last movie we'd get through, save for a mighty wind, (which we saw at the theatre with his friends.) i remember all of our movies, actually. we watched bring it on, down to you, boys and girls, chasing amy.. and we watched office space at his house. we should watch 10 things i hate about you next time. but he likes bring it on. i got the breakfast club, and pretty in pink and goonies on dvd for christmas. oh and oceans eleven. i cant wait to lay on this couch and watch a movie together. i hope he gets home tomorrow and wants to come out and see me right away. im working tomorrow, but hopefully he'll want to come out anyway and have a slumber party. i'd like that. a loooot. all night hugs!!! all night hugs!!! will this ever end? i dont know if i said it before, but i think i hold on so much bc im in love with our story. like, i'd love for it to be 15 years from now, just telling someone our story. its such a good story, its full of drama and ups and downs and weird romance. and it has all the elements of a cheesy love story.. *sigh* i hate when i get like this, all mushy and retarded and filled with hope. i hate hope, bc its always lost. i keep thinking maybe they broke up, maybe they realized it cant work, and maybe he'll realize he wants to be with me. maybe it wont be now, maybe it will be when im there and he sees me more regularly. but maybe he wont. maybe itll fall apart when we are closer. maybe its already fallen apart. maybe its just an unbelievable amount of sexual tension and nothing else. ugh. who even cares.

there is nothing on tv. channel two is snowy, 4 is a blue screen, 5 is an informercial, so is 9.. im watching the news on channel 7. ok now im watching the odd couple. the cat is meowing outside. i should go to bed. im not quite feeling it yet. im still kind of wired from work and all that energy i had. and im high on hope of seeing the enigma tomorrow.. maybe thursday even.. one of the two would be outstanding. id prefer tomorrow, but thursday would be ok if he drove me back to brooklyn and we got to cuddle on the couch and watch a movie and be all awwww cozy like.maybe he'll be really nice and rub my neck. bc i fucking need to have a neck rubbing really badly. its all cramped and sore from constantly working. todays shift brought my total to 39 hours in four days. tomorrow i'll prob work 6 more, bringing my grand total to 45 hours. but of course i wont get overtime. next week im working friday night, saturday morning, a double sunday, and monday night. anyway. bed now..