Sunday, February 24, 2008
i haven't written in like 2 weeks. mainly because the same sentiments remain. i mailed a package to steve containing the customized m+m's, his album insert, and a letter. the letter was probably a stupid idea. because i feel like i have nothing to lose, in it i confessed that he is and has been the man of my dreams since the early days of our friendship. i admitted that i have hope that we may someday rekindle the spark between us. probably a lot of crap that will earn me an email or a phone call telling me that what i had to lose was our friendship. and that i've lost it. i sent the package priority mail on wednesday afternoon. the post office lady said it would arrive thursday or friday. if this is true, he could have picked it up at the PO today. but i got no word from him on having received anything. so either he hasn't retrieved the package or doesn't want to let me know he got it. maybe he is thinking of how to put it lightly that we shouldn't be in touch anymore. the least he could do is thank me for spending $60 on some stupid m+m's.
the thing is, had i not written this letter to him and sent it, i would feel like i never had the chance to express to him exactly what i had felt and do feel. and i'm sure i would have regretted that. so i went ahead and sent it. really, i had nothing to lose. i don't exactly feel like we're friends right now, i feel like last time we talked he made a lot of excuses as to why he isn't in touch and that signals to me that the effort isn't there and will not be there. which is ok. maybe he doesn't want to be friends. maybe he doesn't feel for me what he claimed to have felt. obviously i didn't deserve such a wonderful guy. this is apparent.
for six weeks i consistently wondered what i'd done to deserve the affection of the man of my dreams. at times i thought things were too good to be true. i had to constantly remind myself that what was happening was really real, and that he actually liked me. but now it's gone. i had the chance to make him mine, and i blew it. i wasn't enough. i wasn't good enough. i'll never be his perfect girl, though he is my perfect boy.
life's like that, i mean, life is a big game. fucking with my head. that's the purpose of my existence. i don't understand exactly why the gods need to constantly fuck with me, but they do. i think i'm a good person. i think i do the right thing most of the time. i think i rise to the occasion when it is required. i feel like i gave stephan jones a huge part of me, a part of me that i thought was dead, and he didn't want it. he rejected it.
maybe he was honest. maybe he's not a well enough person to sustain a relationship. maybe it's all the things that had happened causing him to need to do all this work and not do it with me in the picture. but i can't believe that. it is my firm belief that if you want something badly enough, you make it happen. and he didn't. he didn't want it badly. he didn't want it at all. he said he did. he said sometimes you have to balance what you need with what you want. and sometimes what you need outweighs what you want. but i don't know. all i know is that i gave him all i could and it wasn't enough. because i'm a failure and i haven't earned the right to have someone i admire, respect, and truly deeply care for.
it's just that all i wanted was to share in the good and provide support when things were bad. i just wanted to be happy and make him happy. i made him a crossword. i baked a pie, cookies. i made dinner. i was there for him when he felt like drinking. when we cuddled, i always stroked him hair or traced patterns on his skin. but what i really can't reconcile is that look. the look that i would have mistaken for love if i didn't know better. it's etched in my brain, deconstructing harry on the tv, my head on his lap. i look up and kiss him. we're kissing. he stops, he looks. searching my eyes, brushing my hair from my eyes. just looking, searching, i couldn't help but smile. i felt like the luckiest girl on the planet that night. nothing could have ever made me imagine that our days were numbered to ten from that day forward.
i constructed an entire future on unstable ground and then i was surprised when it crumbled before my eyes. i created truth out of fiction and was surprised when the ending wasn't the way i had imagined. life doesn't mimic hollywood, and by now i should know that no perfect ending lies in my future.
i guess i'm still in shock. i guess i didn't realize that the repercussions of my emotion could cause me to drown. i didn't expect this although i should have.
i'm not crying anymore. it's been four days. i've been pretty fucked up for the majority of those days, though, and so i'm not sure it counts. and that letter was an integral part of letting go. this week on one tree hill peyton said "the most perfect act of love is sacrifice." so i release you, stephan jones. i release you though my feelings for you will always be strong. i'm letting you go so you can have yr life, find yr perfect girl. and i'm sacrificing myself, my happiness, the only future i believe is right.
and i think i'd rather die alone than with anyone but you.
the thing is, had i not written this letter to him and sent it, i would feel like i never had the chance to express to him exactly what i had felt and do feel. and i'm sure i would have regretted that. so i went ahead and sent it. really, i had nothing to lose. i don't exactly feel like we're friends right now, i feel like last time we talked he made a lot of excuses as to why he isn't in touch and that signals to me that the effort isn't there and will not be there. which is ok. maybe he doesn't want to be friends. maybe he doesn't feel for me what he claimed to have felt. obviously i didn't deserve such a wonderful guy. this is apparent.
for six weeks i consistently wondered what i'd done to deserve the affection of the man of my dreams. at times i thought things were too good to be true. i had to constantly remind myself that what was happening was really real, and that he actually liked me. but now it's gone. i had the chance to make him mine, and i blew it. i wasn't enough. i wasn't good enough. i'll never be his perfect girl, though he is my perfect boy.
life's like that, i mean, life is a big game. fucking with my head. that's the purpose of my existence. i don't understand exactly why the gods need to constantly fuck with me, but they do. i think i'm a good person. i think i do the right thing most of the time. i think i rise to the occasion when it is required. i feel like i gave stephan jones a huge part of me, a part of me that i thought was dead, and he didn't want it. he rejected it.
maybe he was honest. maybe he's not a well enough person to sustain a relationship. maybe it's all the things that had happened causing him to need to do all this work and not do it with me in the picture. but i can't believe that. it is my firm belief that if you want something badly enough, you make it happen. and he didn't. he didn't want it badly. he didn't want it at all. he said he did. he said sometimes you have to balance what you need with what you want. and sometimes what you need outweighs what you want. but i don't know. all i know is that i gave him all i could and it wasn't enough. because i'm a failure and i haven't earned the right to have someone i admire, respect, and truly deeply care for.
it's just that all i wanted was to share in the good and provide support when things were bad. i just wanted to be happy and make him happy. i made him a crossword. i baked a pie, cookies. i made dinner. i was there for him when he felt like drinking. when we cuddled, i always stroked him hair or traced patterns on his skin. but what i really can't reconcile is that look. the look that i would have mistaken for love if i didn't know better. it's etched in my brain, deconstructing harry on the tv, my head on his lap. i look up and kiss him. we're kissing. he stops, he looks. searching my eyes, brushing my hair from my eyes. just looking, searching, i couldn't help but smile. i felt like the luckiest girl on the planet that night. nothing could have ever made me imagine that our days were numbered to ten from that day forward.
i constructed an entire future on unstable ground and then i was surprised when it crumbled before my eyes. i created truth out of fiction and was surprised when the ending wasn't the way i had imagined. life doesn't mimic hollywood, and by now i should know that no perfect ending lies in my future.
i guess i'm still in shock. i guess i didn't realize that the repercussions of my emotion could cause me to drown. i didn't expect this although i should have.
i'm not crying anymore. it's been four days. i've been pretty fucked up for the majority of those days, though, and so i'm not sure it counts. and that letter was an integral part of letting go. this week on one tree hill peyton said "the most perfect act of love is sacrifice." so i release you, stephan jones. i release you though my feelings for you will always be strong. i'm letting you go so you can have yr life, find yr perfect girl. and i'm sacrificing myself, my happiness, the only future i believe is right.
and i think i'd rather die alone than with anyone but you.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
my heart feels like it's collapsing.
this morning i dragged myself out of bed at 10. i went to 7-11, bought the times. came home, completed my first sunday puzzle on my own ever in an hour and a half. alone. i texted steve this morning at 11:15 to say "it's yr favorite day of the week. i hope yr enjoying cinnamon rolls and the puzzle. i miss you. a lot. prob don't wanna know that. but it's the truth." he didn't respond. i texted him again after having finished the puzzle saying "i finished the puzzle! sorry to bother you, i'm just really excited and wanted to tell you." he finally responded at 4. "good job! i'll have to talk to you later, real busy today." and, of course, no word again. this i knew. he's keeping busy. he's probably not even sad.
i'm having some major anxiety. i miss him so much my heart is breaking. it's broken already but it's breaking further. i don't know how to make it stop. i hardly cried today. this is a huge bonus, but it doesn't make me feel any better.
i swear my heart is collapsing. i want nothing to do with the rest of my life if it doesn't have him in it.
this morning i dragged myself out of bed at 10. i went to 7-11, bought the times. came home, completed my first sunday puzzle on my own ever in an hour and a half. alone. i texted steve this morning at 11:15 to say "it's yr favorite day of the week. i hope yr enjoying cinnamon rolls and the puzzle. i miss you. a lot. prob don't wanna know that. but it's the truth." he didn't respond. i texted him again after having finished the puzzle saying "i finished the puzzle! sorry to bother you, i'm just really excited and wanted to tell you." he finally responded at 4. "good job! i'll have to talk to you later, real busy today." and, of course, no word again. this i knew. he's keeping busy. he's probably not even sad.
i'm having some major anxiety. i miss him so much my heart is breaking. it's broken already but it's breaking further. i don't know how to make it stop. i hardly cried today. this is a huge bonus, but it doesn't make me feel any better.
i swear my heart is collapsing. i want nothing to do with the rest of my life if it doesn't have him in it.
in your eyes, i saw a future together
but you just looked away..
but you just looked away..
in the distance.
tori amos
i miss you so much right now. it's 2am. we should be laying in bed together. perhaps asleep. cuddling. we should be together. the storm will arrive tomorrow morning, when i wake up alone. when you aren't with me. all day and all night i have been thinking about what we should be doing. at 3 i thought i should be getting ready to leave for jersey. at 4 i thought i should be getting in my car. at 6 i thought i should just be arriving to your apartment. at 8 i thought we should be making coffee. at 11, i thought we should be watching a movie. but none of those things were happening.
i can't figure out what is going on. i can't stop thinking about you. wondering what you are doing. wondering if saturday night coffee time was the same without me. you measuring the sugar into my mug. knowing exactly how i take my coffee. you watched me make it once, and you got it right every time to follow. wondering if you went to bed lonely. if you thought of me as you were falling asleep.
in six hours it will be 8:15. all the times you woke up, telling me "it's 8:15, time to get up!" with such cheer in your voice. sunday is yr favorite day of the week. time to get up! time for coffee! time to get the paper! you putting yr arms around me, inching yr way over until you lay diagonally across me, proclaiming "i'm a human blanket!" kissing me despite the fact that we both had dragon breath. so snuggly. so wonderful. sunday morning.
tori amos
i miss you so much right now. it's 2am. we should be laying in bed together. perhaps asleep. cuddling. we should be together. the storm will arrive tomorrow morning, when i wake up alone. when you aren't with me. all day and all night i have been thinking about what we should be doing. at 3 i thought i should be getting ready to leave for jersey. at 4 i thought i should be getting in my car. at 6 i thought i should just be arriving to your apartment. at 8 i thought we should be making coffee. at 11, i thought we should be watching a movie. but none of those things were happening.
i can't figure out what is going on. i can't stop thinking about you. wondering what you are doing. wondering if saturday night coffee time was the same without me. you measuring the sugar into my mug. knowing exactly how i take my coffee. you watched me make it once, and you got it right every time to follow. wondering if you went to bed lonely. if you thought of me as you were falling asleep.
in six hours it will be 8:15. all the times you woke up, telling me "it's 8:15, time to get up!" with such cheer in your voice. sunday is yr favorite day of the week. time to get up! time for coffee! time to get the paper! you putting yr arms around me, inching yr way over until you lay diagonally across me, proclaiming "i'm a human blanket!" kissing me despite the fact that we both had dragon breath. so snuggly. so wonderful. sunday morning.
getting up, making coffee. walking together to get the paper. coming back to bake the cinnamon rolls, drink our coffee, and smoke a cigarette. you always go through the paper the same way. you take out the book review and the magazine. you flip through each before turning to the puzzle. you would settle onto the sofa, pulling me into you as we worked our puzzles simultaneously. random kisses. sweet affection. those sunday mornings, those six sunday mornings, i swear they were the best days of my entire life.
but they are gone. you are gone. and tomorrow will leave me empty and alone. i'll sit here, alone, working my puzzle, wishing you were here for me to whine to when i don't know the answer. "it's too haaaard." waiting for something to be making you uncomfortable, waiting to hear you make the dinosaur hatching from it's shell noise that signals something is not in it's right place. i hear that noise in my head every time i see the pillows on my couch.
when i close my eyes, i see yours, searching mine. with that look that i swore might have been love, had i not known better. when i close my eyes i swear i can feel you beside me. i swear i can hear your heart beat. smell your scent. i swear you are here. but you aren't.
when i dream, i dream of saving you. i dream i could make the past right, and you would want to be with me again.
when i daydream, i imagine waking up tomorrow, going out to get the paper. coming home and settling in. then i imagine my buzzer sounding. i imagine it's you. i buzz you in, and you come up with yr times magazine in one hand and a thing of cinnamon rolls in the other. you tell me "i couldn't do sunday morning without you. it wasn't the same. so here i am." this will not happen. but i wish, i wish, i wish it would.
you were the man of my dreams. you ARE the man of my dreams. i've known you were the one for almost six years. and i had you for a brief moment in time. but now it's over. i can't reconcile these ideas. when we reconnected and it was great, i swore that maybe i'd been right about something in my life. that our timing was off back then, and now was our chance to realize the fire that burned between us. and now i am here, alone, and i have to live out the rest of my years without the man of my dreams.
so instead of holding yr hand, i'm constantly holding a cigarette. and instead of watching a movie with you, i watched a movie with jan. and instead of spending sunday morning with you, i'll spend it with kasha and lindsay. but none of that feels right. what felt right was spending my time with you. what felt right was looking into yr eyes and seeing all i saw in you. what was right was you and i. more right than anything that exists on earth. more right than anything that has ever existed at any time in the universe. it was us, and now everything is wrong.
i miss you, i miss you, i miss you, i miss you, i miss you, i miss you so much. thanks, robert smith, for that line. it's repeating in my brain. it has been repeating in my brain for the whole day.
being with you meant that there was potential for me to end up with my soulmate. to have the love of a lifetime. to have someone who made me the best version of myself. and now i'm without you, and i'm back to the mediocre version of myself.
and all i want is to have you here with me.
i miss you more than i have ever missed another human being. i miss you more than i could ever miss another human being.
but they are gone. you are gone. and tomorrow will leave me empty and alone. i'll sit here, alone, working my puzzle, wishing you were here for me to whine to when i don't know the answer. "it's too haaaard." waiting for something to be making you uncomfortable, waiting to hear you make the dinosaur hatching from it's shell noise that signals something is not in it's right place. i hear that noise in my head every time i see the pillows on my couch.
when i close my eyes, i see yours, searching mine. with that look that i swore might have been love, had i not known better. when i close my eyes i swear i can feel you beside me. i swear i can hear your heart beat. smell your scent. i swear you are here. but you aren't.
when i dream, i dream of saving you. i dream i could make the past right, and you would want to be with me again.
when i daydream, i imagine waking up tomorrow, going out to get the paper. coming home and settling in. then i imagine my buzzer sounding. i imagine it's you. i buzz you in, and you come up with yr times magazine in one hand and a thing of cinnamon rolls in the other. you tell me "i couldn't do sunday morning without you. it wasn't the same. so here i am." this will not happen. but i wish, i wish, i wish it would.
you were the man of my dreams. you ARE the man of my dreams. i've known you were the one for almost six years. and i had you for a brief moment in time. but now it's over. i can't reconcile these ideas. when we reconnected and it was great, i swore that maybe i'd been right about something in my life. that our timing was off back then, and now was our chance to realize the fire that burned between us. and now i am here, alone, and i have to live out the rest of my years without the man of my dreams.
so instead of holding yr hand, i'm constantly holding a cigarette. and instead of watching a movie with you, i watched a movie with jan. and instead of spending sunday morning with you, i'll spend it with kasha and lindsay. but none of that feels right. what felt right was spending my time with you. what felt right was looking into yr eyes and seeing all i saw in you. what was right was you and i. more right than anything that exists on earth. more right than anything that has ever existed at any time in the universe. it was us, and now everything is wrong.
i miss you, i miss you, i miss you, i miss you, i miss you, i miss you so much. thanks, robert smith, for that line. it's repeating in my brain. it has been repeating in my brain for the whole day.
being with you meant that there was potential for me to end up with my soulmate. to have the love of a lifetime. to have someone who made me the best version of myself. and now i'm without you, and i'm back to the mediocre version of myself.
and all i want is to have you here with me.
i miss you more than i have ever missed another human being. i miss you more than i could ever miss another human being.
Friday, February 08, 2008
he's gone.
i don't really know what happened. i don't really understand. or i do, i just don't want to. he said he isn't ready for this. he said there was too much work to be done on himself. he finally opened up about the "past traumas". he said he has feelings for me, and that he sees potential in us. he just can't have a relationship right now. and we can't hang out, either. he said he can't simply sit on the sofa with me and watch a movie without wanting to cuddle with me. without wanting to kiss me.
i understand why this is happening, i just don't want it to happen. and i care for him so deeply that i want him to be well more than i want to be happy. but this weekend will be so hard. no movies saturday night. no human blanket, no crossword sunday morning. no hand holding, no cinnamon rolls, no coffee. no non-stop affection. no more of his scent. it's just over. it has to be over. and i don't know why.
i offered to see each other less, but he said he didn't want to feel like he was keeping me waiting. he said we did everything right, that he has no regrets because he learned that someone could really like him, could express that they care, and that he could get close to someone. so i was a learning experience.
he said he was sad. he said when he gets sad, he will let himself be sad. he isn't going to come back. i have hope that maybe one day, when he's at a better place in his life, we can rekindle the spark that burned between us. but i can't hold out for that.
he said we could keep in touch, that he wants to know i'm ok. and how i am. and what i've been doing. he said we could talk on the phone. maybe meet for coffee. we just can't hang out in one of our apartments and watch a movie.
all i wanted was to be there for him. to support him, to be there through the good and the bad. i wanted to be someone he could trust, he could count on, who could help him to be the best version of himself. and i wanted him to continue to make me into the best version of myself. with him i felt so safe. i felt like i could be anything, i could be myself and i could be the best me i could ever be. i thought that we could take on the world together. i thought i could fall in love with him and never let go. always love him. always share in the good and be there for him through the bad. but this is no longer possible.
yesterday morning i cried so hard that i had to puke. it was one of those times that you wake up and you think yr ok until you are out of the shower. getting dressed was too hard. i broke down on my bedroom floor, heaving with tears. and i'm crying more and more. watching law & order. at commercials. things that i hadn't cried about in so long, i'm crying over again. it comes in spurts.
wednesday night i kept waking up from these dreams. and in these dreams, i was going into the past to right the wrongs that had been done to him. i would tell him about what i did, how i'd tried to make everything right. i was trying to erase the pain and make it okay. but they were just dreams, and i'd wake up and not be able to fall back to sleep. i'd just lay there, wondering if there would ever be something i could do to prove to him that what we had was worth every minute of our lives together.
it was only six weeks. i know i'd be foolish to suggest that we had a long future together. but i liked to think we could. that we could help each other grow and challenge each other to overcome the bad and focus on the good. 2008 had so much potential, and now i'm overcome with sadness.
i agree with him that there are no regrets. i cared so much and i was able to express my feelings without regret for the first time in a long time. i was patient, i was caring, i was there for him. and he was there for me. but it's not ok. i'm not ok. i feel lost and there is this emptiness tearing at my soul. i feel scared, i have to face a future that does not include the man of my dreams. i don't feel like i'm no longer a whole person, i just feel like i lost a piece of me that i was willing to give away. a piece of my heart which i hope he will safeguard forever. a piece of my heart that will keep him safe and warm and provide him with the hope he needs to become a well person. and the hope he needs to keep the passion and the spark that burn so brightly within him. the things that make him the most amazing man on the entire planet.
i don't really know what happened. i don't really understand. or i do, i just don't want to. he said he isn't ready for this. he said there was too much work to be done on himself. he finally opened up about the "past traumas". he said he has feelings for me, and that he sees potential in us. he just can't have a relationship right now. and we can't hang out, either. he said he can't simply sit on the sofa with me and watch a movie without wanting to cuddle with me. without wanting to kiss me.
i understand why this is happening, i just don't want it to happen. and i care for him so deeply that i want him to be well more than i want to be happy. but this weekend will be so hard. no movies saturday night. no human blanket, no crossword sunday morning. no hand holding, no cinnamon rolls, no coffee. no non-stop affection. no more of his scent. it's just over. it has to be over. and i don't know why.
i offered to see each other less, but he said he didn't want to feel like he was keeping me waiting. he said we did everything right, that he has no regrets because he learned that someone could really like him, could express that they care, and that he could get close to someone. so i was a learning experience.
he said he was sad. he said when he gets sad, he will let himself be sad. he isn't going to come back. i have hope that maybe one day, when he's at a better place in his life, we can rekindle the spark that burned between us. but i can't hold out for that.
he said we could keep in touch, that he wants to know i'm ok. and how i am. and what i've been doing. he said we could talk on the phone. maybe meet for coffee. we just can't hang out in one of our apartments and watch a movie.
all i wanted was to be there for him. to support him, to be there through the good and the bad. i wanted to be someone he could trust, he could count on, who could help him to be the best version of himself. and i wanted him to continue to make me into the best version of myself. with him i felt so safe. i felt like i could be anything, i could be myself and i could be the best me i could ever be. i thought that we could take on the world together. i thought i could fall in love with him and never let go. always love him. always share in the good and be there for him through the bad. but this is no longer possible.
yesterday morning i cried so hard that i had to puke. it was one of those times that you wake up and you think yr ok until you are out of the shower. getting dressed was too hard. i broke down on my bedroom floor, heaving with tears. and i'm crying more and more. watching law & order. at commercials. things that i hadn't cried about in so long, i'm crying over again. it comes in spurts.
wednesday night i kept waking up from these dreams. and in these dreams, i was going into the past to right the wrongs that had been done to him. i would tell him about what i did, how i'd tried to make everything right. i was trying to erase the pain and make it okay. but they were just dreams, and i'd wake up and not be able to fall back to sleep. i'd just lay there, wondering if there would ever be something i could do to prove to him that what we had was worth every minute of our lives together.
it was only six weeks. i know i'd be foolish to suggest that we had a long future together. but i liked to think we could. that we could help each other grow and challenge each other to overcome the bad and focus on the good. 2008 had so much potential, and now i'm overcome with sadness.
i agree with him that there are no regrets. i cared so much and i was able to express my feelings without regret for the first time in a long time. i was patient, i was caring, i was there for him. and he was there for me. but it's not ok. i'm not ok. i feel lost and there is this emptiness tearing at my soul. i feel scared, i have to face a future that does not include the man of my dreams. i don't feel like i'm no longer a whole person, i just feel like i lost a piece of me that i was willing to give away. a piece of my heart which i hope he will safeguard forever. a piece of my heart that will keep him safe and warm and provide him with the hope he needs to become a well person. and the hope he needs to keep the passion and the spark that burn so brightly within him. the things that make him the most amazing man on the entire planet.
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