Sunday, November 30, 2003
hi there. there is so much to talk about right now! where do i start? well, i meant to write about thanksgiving the other day, but my enigma absorbed me. so lets see.. well i will move backward from now.
first of all, i am permanently scarred for life due to an incident that happened on the train this morning. it was like 10 am and i was on the E going to manhattan, and i was reading my book, and i looked up and there was this crazy homeless looking man fucking JERKING OFF. i was like "oh my god." i looked back down at my book, but he had this crazed look in his eyes, and he was looking down the car, i was soooo happy that he wasnt looking at me, but it was so gross. i was afraid to get up, cos i noticed him at 50th St and i had to get off at 42nd and he was sitting right beside the door. he had his pants on, and his bag over his lap, but the arm movement was unfuckingmistakable. i kept thinking that i would go to the doors and his stuff would get on me and i would DIE. seriously. that is soo gross. i cant even imagine masturbating on the subway. EVER. EVER EVER EVER EVER. i felt so dirty and disgusting and ew. ugh.
rewind to last night.. i worked a double yesterday and i was making really good money, like 40% tips and whatnot, and i was in a super good mood being silly and smiley, then my second to last table accused me of stealing his money! he claimed to have put two $100 bills in the book, but really there was only one. he gave the book to maria and i made him the $3.75 in change, and he stood there for a minute, then he was like "i put two hundreds in here" and i was like "no." so the fuckin cops came, and they intercepted his girlfriend at the bathroom, and she claimed that he had, in fact, put only ONE hundred in the book. but he kept accusing, and the cops didnt believe him, management didnt believe him... they said he could file a complaint with corporate if he wanted to. he seriously wanted me to give him $100. riiiight. so he fuckin didnt tip me on $96.28, which made me mad, but whatever. he made me cry. i couldnt believe that someone would accuse me of stealing. i was like "WHAT?!" that is soo offensive! i gave them great service, i recommended an appetizer, it was bullshit. but despite being stiffed on what should have been a $15 tip, i still walked with 15%, which means i averaged over 20% for the whole day, since i tipped out more than 5%. i gave my busboy $5 extra bc he was helpful. so ha to you mister con artist. i think that was my waiting record, i made $280 in 11 hours. woooooooo!
so whats left? um, i got a hair cut, its the shortest i have ever cut it, and i think i like it but im not yet used to it.. then there was thanksgiving. that was fun. we went to my cousins and i saw the baby who is absolutely precious. my grandmother was really nice to me, she helped me to make the potato soup, and she told my mother that i was beautiful. she said "when did she get so beautiful?" and my momma was like "she has always been beautiful!" but seriously that is SUCH a compliment from her, because she hates us. my mom was marvelling, she was like "when you wear make up, yr strikingly beautiful." so i was all ego girl bc i felt so good about myself. dinner was great, my soup was a huge hit, and everything was yummy. i also made a lemon merangue pie which was yummy. i bonded with my grandfather, and i told him what was going on with me graduating and moving back to li.. then my brother and i went to my dads and watched coming to america with him and my step brother. friday morning it was soo hard for me to get out of bed, bc both kitties were in my bed with me. yoda baby was nestled against my leg, and bella was next to my head. i love when the kitties sleep with me, i miss having a cat sooo much. i cannot wait till august!! i think i am getting two babies. my mom thinks i should get two from the same litter, but i dont know. i cant afford a siamese, and she is buying me a siamese. like my yoda, and my coco. i miss my coco, i cant believe he has been gone for six years. but he has, and it makes me so sad.. i still feel him around the house when i go home.. bella is a persian, so she looks like a little gray lion. she has this squished face and all this super soft fur. her real name is peanut, which i think is retarded, but its my brother and his girlfriends cat, so they named it. my mom calls her bella (or belly, more often). shes named after grizabella, the glamor cat from CATS.. which is a much more fitting name for her, bc she looks like she should be wearing a collar of diamonds. she is a very high class kitty. she is so stupid though. friday morning, my door was just slightly ajar, and shes too little to have figured out how to open doors, like yoda has, so she put her feather toy in her mouth and ran head first into my door to get it open. its really funny, bc yoda is a small cat, he was the runt of his litter so hes small and slender and sleek and gorgeous, and bella is still a baby, but when she grows up she will be bigger than him. he bats her around a bit, but he also loves her, he was laying on top of her, holding her down and cleaning her, then he bit all her nails. hes so maternal ahahaha.. i wonder if the power dynamic will change when she grows up.
speaking of moving back.. im still so nervous about the whole thing. im going through the process of becoming certified to teach, which is good, but a one bedroom apt in a complex costs $1150/month, which is what we pay here for our two bedroom! plus when i left six years ago, i swore i would never go back. i look at the people and im like this is sooo not me, but the boys are pretty hot, and the hardcore scene is still thriving, so ill start to go to shows again and do all the things that made me soo happy while i was there. its like i hate the city and i hate the suburbs, but what is left after that is the country and i am equally against that. hmpf.
anyway. i just got home from work and i havent showered since friday night. not as gross as it sounds, well maybe. but i havent had time! i went to work yesterday and casey asked me if i wanted to work a night shift also, so i did and i got home at like 1230, and i had to open this morning so i was against getting up early or staying up late to be clean and then immediately reek of refried beans again. however, i now have time, and i guess victor is coming over tonight, so i should be clean for company..
first of all, i am permanently scarred for life due to an incident that happened on the train this morning. it was like 10 am and i was on the E going to manhattan, and i was reading my book, and i looked up and there was this crazy homeless looking man fucking JERKING OFF. i was like "oh my god." i looked back down at my book, but he had this crazed look in his eyes, and he was looking down the car, i was soooo happy that he wasnt looking at me, but it was so gross. i was afraid to get up, cos i noticed him at 50th St and i had to get off at 42nd and he was sitting right beside the door. he had his pants on, and his bag over his lap, but the arm movement was unfuckingmistakable. i kept thinking that i would go to the doors and his stuff would get on me and i would DIE. seriously. that is soo gross. i cant even imagine masturbating on the subway. EVER. EVER EVER EVER EVER. i felt so dirty and disgusting and ew. ugh.
rewind to last night.. i worked a double yesterday and i was making really good money, like 40% tips and whatnot, and i was in a super good mood being silly and smiley, then my second to last table accused me of stealing his money! he claimed to have put two $100 bills in the book, but really there was only one. he gave the book to maria and i made him the $3.75 in change, and he stood there for a minute, then he was like "i put two hundreds in here" and i was like "no." so the fuckin cops came, and they intercepted his girlfriend at the bathroom, and she claimed that he had, in fact, put only ONE hundred in the book. but he kept accusing, and the cops didnt believe him, management didnt believe him... they said he could file a complaint with corporate if he wanted to. he seriously wanted me to give him $100. riiiight. so he fuckin didnt tip me on $96.28, which made me mad, but whatever. he made me cry. i couldnt believe that someone would accuse me of stealing. i was like "WHAT?!" that is soo offensive! i gave them great service, i recommended an appetizer, it was bullshit. but despite being stiffed on what should have been a $15 tip, i still walked with 15%, which means i averaged over 20% for the whole day, since i tipped out more than 5%. i gave my busboy $5 extra bc he was helpful. so ha to you mister con artist. i think that was my waiting record, i made $280 in 11 hours. woooooooo!
so whats left? um, i got a hair cut, its the shortest i have ever cut it, and i think i like it but im not yet used to it.. then there was thanksgiving. that was fun. we went to my cousins and i saw the baby who is absolutely precious. my grandmother was really nice to me, she helped me to make the potato soup, and she told my mother that i was beautiful. she said "when did she get so beautiful?" and my momma was like "she has always been beautiful!" but seriously that is SUCH a compliment from her, because she hates us. my mom was marvelling, she was like "when you wear make up, yr strikingly beautiful." so i was all ego girl bc i felt so good about myself. dinner was great, my soup was a huge hit, and everything was yummy. i also made a lemon merangue pie which was yummy. i bonded with my grandfather, and i told him what was going on with me graduating and moving back to li.. then my brother and i went to my dads and watched coming to america with him and my step brother. friday morning it was soo hard for me to get out of bed, bc both kitties were in my bed with me. yoda baby was nestled against my leg, and bella was next to my head. i love when the kitties sleep with me, i miss having a cat sooo much. i cannot wait till august!! i think i am getting two babies. my mom thinks i should get two from the same litter, but i dont know. i cant afford a siamese, and she is buying me a siamese. like my yoda, and my coco. i miss my coco, i cant believe he has been gone for six years. but he has, and it makes me so sad.. i still feel him around the house when i go home.. bella is a persian, so she looks like a little gray lion. she has this squished face and all this super soft fur. her real name is peanut, which i think is retarded, but its my brother and his girlfriends cat, so they named it. my mom calls her bella (or belly, more often). shes named after grizabella, the glamor cat from CATS.. which is a much more fitting name for her, bc she looks like she should be wearing a collar of diamonds. she is a very high class kitty. she is so stupid though. friday morning, my door was just slightly ajar, and shes too little to have figured out how to open doors, like yoda has, so she put her feather toy in her mouth and ran head first into my door to get it open. its really funny, bc yoda is a small cat, he was the runt of his litter so hes small and slender and sleek and gorgeous, and bella is still a baby, but when she grows up she will be bigger than him. he bats her around a bit, but he also loves her, he was laying on top of her, holding her down and cleaning her, then he bit all her nails. hes so maternal ahahaha.. i wonder if the power dynamic will change when she grows up.
speaking of moving back.. im still so nervous about the whole thing. im going through the process of becoming certified to teach, which is good, but a one bedroom apt in a complex costs $1150/month, which is what we pay here for our two bedroom! plus when i left six years ago, i swore i would never go back. i look at the people and im like this is sooo not me, but the boys are pretty hot, and the hardcore scene is still thriving, so ill start to go to shows again and do all the things that made me soo happy while i was there. its like i hate the city and i hate the suburbs, but what is left after that is the country and i am equally against that. hmpf.
anyway. i just got home from work and i havent showered since friday night. not as gross as it sounds, well maybe. but i havent had time! i went to work yesterday and casey asked me if i wanted to work a night shift also, so i did and i got home at like 1230, and i had to open this morning so i was against getting up early or staying up late to be clean and then immediately reek of refried beans again. however, i now have time, and i guess victor is coming over tonight, so i should be clean for company..
Saturday, November 29, 2003
*music* dashboard confessional
*mood* sleepy.
i have "here i go again" by whitesnake in my head.
so. those complex feelings have resurfaced. but i was going to behave. when yr face got too close to mine i got up and went to the bathroom to regain myself and resist the temptation of looking into yr eyes.. cos the second i do, its over. o-v-e-r. but then i lay facing you with my eyes closed, my legs tangled in yours, hugging you and rubbing yr belly, and you turned yr head toward me and there were yr lips, lightly brushing mine. i didnt know what to do. i tried to resist, i froze and i didnt move. but those thirty seconds felt like forever and i couldnt contain my affection any longer, so i let myself relax and you kissed me.. and it felt so wrong but so right and yr energy is still all over me. the way you looked at me and smiled, i felt so light and so playful and so happy and i couldnt imagine this not being a part of everything. everything. the way you hold me so tightly when you hug me, i feel so safe like nothing NOTHING could hurt me, could haunt me, could anything. the world stops when im in yr arms, everything is quiet and still and pure. the way you squeezed me as you said "i missed you so much." the way that everything makes sense, makes sense, makes so much sense.
but now im scared. bc i said i would be able to behave. and i didnt. what if you were counting on me to resist temptation? you knew you couldnt.. what if you needed me to be strong, and i failed? what if you cant trust yrself with me, and we grow apart? what if things are awkward now, bc i let you down? what if i ruined everything? well, its yr fault too, bc you knew you didnt trust yrself with me, you knew the chemistry would erupt and render you useless to control anything, especially the moment and what it brings and the electricity in the air when we are together. but youve pushed me away before when things got too intense for you, more than once..
is it like that with her? do you feel sparks and intensity when you look into her eyes? do you smile uncontrollably when yr with her? do you hold her so tight and warm and safe? i want to think its no, but if you wanted to be with her, then there must be some of these things. i wish they were for us and only us. in fact, i wish we were an us.. but we are not, and will not be. i close my eyes and i imagine that when i move back things could be different. but im only fooling myself. i want to think that yr in love with someone else, but i dont understand how it could be if you cant resist being with me when we see each other, how you could miss me, and think about me all the time.. if you were truly devoted and madly in love.. but i cant keep doing this to myself. i cant keep falling in love with you.
everyone says i shouldnt see you for a while. i tell them thats stupid. because i didnt see you for two and a half months before wednesday, and it was the same. and you know what? i didnt see you, i didnt talk to you, for FOUR AND A HALF YEARS and it still feels the same. to not see you would amount to nothing more than feeling this way and missing you, rather than feeling this way and seeing you. infrequently as it is, i still look forward to you holding me, to yr eyes, to yr belly, to yr voice, to cuddling, to falling in love over and over again.
star-crossed we are. star-crossed.
*mood* sleepy.
i have "here i go again" by whitesnake in my head.
so. those complex feelings have resurfaced. but i was going to behave. when yr face got too close to mine i got up and went to the bathroom to regain myself and resist the temptation of looking into yr eyes.. cos the second i do, its over. o-v-e-r. but then i lay facing you with my eyes closed, my legs tangled in yours, hugging you and rubbing yr belly, and you turned yr head toward me and there were yr lips, lightly brushing mine. i didnt know what to do. i tried to resist, i froze and i didnt move. but those thirty seconds felt like forever and i couldnt contain my affection any longer, so i let myself relax and you kissed me.. and it felt so wrong but so right and yr energy is still all over me. the way you looked at me and smiled, i felt so light and so playful and so happy and i couldnt imagine this not being a part of everything. everything. the way you hold me so tightly when you hug me, i feel so safe like nothing NOTHING could hurt me, could haunt me, could anything. the world stops when im in yr arms, everything is quiet and still and pure. the way you squeezed me as you said "i missed you so much." the way that everything makes sense, makes sense, makes so much sense.
but now im scared. bc i said i would be able to behave. and i didnt. what if you were counting on me to resist temptation? you knew you couldnt.. what if you needed me to be strong, and i failed? what if you cant trust yrself with me, and we grow apart? what if things are awkward now, bc i let you down? what if i ruined everything? well, its yr fault too, bc you knew you didnt trust yrself with me, you knew the chemistry would erupt and render you useless to control anything, especially the moment and what it brings and the electricity in the air when we are together. but youve pushed me away before when things got too intense for you, more than once..
is it like that with her? do you feel sparks and intensity when you look into her eyes? do you smile uncontrollably when yr with her? do you hold her so tight and warm and safe? i want to think its no, but if you wanted to be with her, then there must be some of these things. i wish they were for us and only us. in fact, i wish we were an us.. but we are not, and will not be. i close my eyes and i imagine that when i move back things could be different. but im only fooling myself. i want to think that yr in love with someone else, but i dont understand how it could be if you cant resist being with me when we see each other, how you could miss me, and think about me all the time.. if you were truly devoted and madly in love.. but i cant keep doing this to myself. i cant keep falling in love with you.
everyone says i shouldnt see you for a while. i tell them thats stupid. because i didnt see you for two and a half months before wednesday, and it was the same. and you know what? i didnt see you, i didnt talk to you, for FOUR AND A HALF YEARS and it still feels the same. to not see you would amount to nothing more than feeling this way and missing you, rather than feeling this way and seeing you. infrequently as it is, i still look forward to you holding me, to yr eyes, to yr belly, to yr voice, to cuddling, to falling in love over and over again.
star-crossed we are. star-crossed.
Tuesday, November 25, 2003
im stewing in dye as i write. 18 more minutes and then i will have an even colored head of hair. woooohooooo! its black ruby or something. i just picked a dark one so it could be one color.
im kinda excited, i might see kurt on friday. its been a year, i remember the last time we met it was getting cold out, i wore shorts and by dusk i was freezing. we went to the docks in port jeff, then we went to the great south bay and watched the waves. its always water with us. its our thing. when we went to the william floyd house it was on the beach. we snuck onto jones beach late at night.. all the nights we spent at lands end, just watching the sea spray.. i have big plans for friday. i wanted to go to van cortlandt mansion, but its closed. we could go to fao schwartz, or trinity church, but most places are closed day after thanksgiving. i want to go to st john the divine if he does. i went there once before, but those places are never the same without kurt, its something that i have an ok time alone or with someone else, but everything is so amazing when we do it together. i have this intense connection to him. its like he is such a small part of my day to day life, we see each other less than once a year now, but he is a huge part of me. he came into my life at a pivotal time and i am everything i am today because of him. everything ive done since may 1996 has been a direct result of my knowing him and everything he introduced me to. he was my first weston song (new shirt/heather lewis), my first mr t experience song (now that you are gone).. his band played at my first show (with supermatchboxxx and a metal band from my high school). we went to our first cure concert together. he wrote the first (and only, to my knowledge) songs about me. well, except for supermatchboxxx and "gille's friends are hot," but i guess that was about antonia and beth. but my name is in it.. "when we met at gullie's house, i thought you were so fine" hehehe. antonia and i rented welcome home roxy carmichael when we were like 18, and there is a line, i think winona rider says it: "do you know how hard it is to have a song written about you?" and we looked at each other and said "no?" and giggled. but anyway. he will get engaged soon, and i will begin the process of letting him go, because i dont think our friendship could coexist with his marriage, bc she hates me. i have dreaded that moment for a couple of years now, bc i cant imagine my life without him in it..
must rinse.
im kinda excited, i might see kurt on friday. its been a year, i remember the last time we met it was getting cold out, i wore shorts and by dusk i was freezing. we went to the docks in port jeff, then we went to the great south bay and watched the waves. its always water with us. its our thing. when we went to the william floyd house it was on the beach. we snuck onto jones beach late at night.. all the nights we spent at lands end, just watching the sea spray.. i have big plans for friday. i wanted to go to van cortlandt mansion, but its closed. we could go to fao schwartz, or trinity church, but most places are closed day after thanksgiving. i want to go to st john the divine if he does. i went there once before, but those places are never the same without kurt, its something that i have an ok time alone or with someone else, but everything is so amazing when we do it together. i have this intense connection to him. its like he is such a small part of my day to day life, we see each other less than once a year now, but he is a huge part of me. he came into my life at a pivotal time and i am everything i am today because of him. everything ive done since may 1996 has been a direct result of my knowing him and everything he introduced me to. he was my first weston song (new shirt/heather lewis), my first mr t experience song (now that you are gone).. his band played at my first show (with supermatchboxxx and a metal band from my high school). we went to our first cure concert together. he wrote the first (and only, to my knowledge) songs about me. well, except for supermatchboxxx and "gille's friends are hot," but i guess that was about antonia and beth. but my name is in it.. "when we met at gullie's house, i thought you were so fine" hehehe. antonia and i rented welcome home roxy carmichael when we were like 18, and there is a line, i think winona rider says it: "do you know how hard it is to have a song written about you?" and we looked at each other and said "no?" and giggled. but anyway. he will get engaged soon, and i will begin the process of letting him go, because i dont think our friendship could coexist with his marriage, bc she hates me. i have dreaded that moment for a couple of years now, bc i cant imagine my life without him in it..
must rinse.
Monday, November 24, 2003
im tired. i just watched 4 episodes of queer as folk with candace. her friend michele lent it to us, and we are now obsessed. she wants to have a marathon session tomorrow night, 8 epsiodes. i told cliff i might hang out, but i dont know. must watch video!! ok im being lame, bc he lives in florida and i see him like never, but hey, we went to his premiere party in july, that was kinda recent.
work was bad again. first i was sad bc i asked bart who was gonna teach me guitar when he left on tour, and he was like "youll just have to come with." but i cant, even though i really really want to.. and i kinda cried for a sec.. i know they arent leaving till march, but.. i was like "im gonna miss you" and he was like "hey im not some huge part of yr life or anything" and i said something like "you guys are more important to me than you realize, and its going to be hard without you." and i teared up. im such a sissy girl. but he said that he knows, and that i mean a lot to him also. so yay. but then gregg showed me his schedule and it was as bad as a joey schedule! i was hysterical. i went into the room where lee was and i started crying hyserically, and then i was getting my shit together and ivan came over being an asshole and i was just like "fuck you" and he started with me, but jolynn told him to leave me alone. i think they are all starting to feel bad for me. its been four weeks now, and i cant make ends meet. im working 4 shifts, but making no money, and it feels so useless. ive been working my ass off trying to make as much money as i can on horrible shifts, and its not working. i made $115 yesterday (i used to make at least $150 on a sat morning in the bar), and $60 tonight (same as saturdays.. i used to work like bar 3 and make $150).. which is more than regular people make, i guess, but its no where near what i was making.. i was making like $400 a week, now i'm lucky to make $200 in a week. thats like half. im living on half of what i have been, and i havent paid a lot of my bills, i keep just letting the due date pass by bc i know i dont have it. i still need $175 for rent, though i have like $110 of it that still needs to be deposited. and i dont have school again till dec 3 or something, which is 3 days later than rent is due, and i have my rutgers paycheck there.. so im like. well, ok, ill have $161, but not till after rent and im freaking out. FREAKING OUT. i cant borrow money from my parents, and i dont wanna borrow it from kim or candace bc it always comes between friends. kim and i were on our way home tonight and she was like "gille, baxter owes me $500 for like 8 months now, and im cool with him." and i know that, but i mean.. thats the thing. baxter owes her $500, her old roommates owe her money, everyone owes kim money. and i dont wanna be another one, esp since im like teetering with her.. i was so mad at her for ruining my dinner party and taking it over, and i dont like how she is when shes drunk, shes everything she knew she would be when she was straght edge, and ive lost so much respect for her. i admired her strength to be the one who stayed sober bc she knew it wasnt good, and now she drinks with everyone, and shes a mean drunk.. i dont like when people treat me like shit, and esp when they are drunk. its fucked up. but then, when i was a mess tonight at work, she was not going anywhere until she knew i was going home, and she told me i should go to her place, that she had a lot of work to do, but it was ok.. shes there for me no matter what, even though i barely talked to her at work, and she asked lee if i was mad at her.. despite that, she waited for me and said we could get food or go home or do whatever. and even though i told her to leave like four times, she hung around to make sure. so i dont know.. in some ways i think weve grown apart and that i dont want to be friends with someone who talks to me like she does when she drinks, but.. ugh everything is always so complicated.
anyway. i have to go write in my paper journal. i have been neglecting it since i started this, and the reason i keep a journal is to always be able to look back on my life and see what i did when and how and why and all the emotions i felt or thought i felt or hurt. and i have stopped bc its easier to type than to hold the pen, and i've lost the motivation to write down an idea when it pops into my head bc i no longer sleep with my journal on the floor beside me.. so im losing all my thoughts to time, and i dont like how i feel when i realize that my life is passing and im not writing. and besides, some things are too personal for you, so there. not that i think anyone even reads this, its a rare occasion that i put the link in my away messages anymore, and its not like i tell people to go look at it.
so i bid you farewell for the evening, and maybe for the week.. because i need to concentrate on preserving my paper trail of heart break and crazy interludes.
work was bad again. first i was sad bc i asked bart who was gonna teach me guitar when he left on tour, and he was like "youll just have to come with." but i cant, even though i really really want to.. and i kinda cried for a sec.. i know they arent leaving till march, but.. i was like "im gonna miss you" and he was like "hey im not some huge part of yr life or anything" and i said something like "you guys are more important to me than you realize, and its going to be hard without you." and i teared up. im such a sissy girl. but he said that he knows, and that i mean a lot to him also. so yay. but then gregg showed me his schedule and it was as bad as a joey schedule! i was hysterical. i went into the room where lee was and i started crying hyserically, and then i was getting my shit together and ivan came over being an asshole and i was just like "fuck you" and he started with me, but jolynn told him to leave me alone. i think they are all starting to feel bad for me. its been four weeks now, and i cant make ends meet. im working 4 shifts, but making no money, and it feels so useless. ive been working my ass off trying to make as much money as i can on horrible shifts, and its not working. i made $115 yesterday (i used to make at least $150 on a sat morning in the bar), and $60 tonight (same as saturdays.. i used to work like bar 3 and make $150).. which is more than regular people make, i guess, but its no where near what i was making.. i was making like $400 a week, now i'm lucky to make $200 in a week. thats like half. im living on half of what i have been, and i havent paid a lot of my bills, i keep just letting the due date pass by bc i know i dont have it. i still need $175 for rent, though i have like $110 of it that still needs to be deposited. and i dont have school again till dec 3 or something, which is 3 days later than rent is due, and i have my rutgers paycheck there.. so im like. well, ok, ill have $161, but not till after rent and im freaking out. FREAKING OUT. i cant borrow money from my parents, and i dont wanna borrow it from kim or candace bc it always comes between friends. kim and i were on our way home tonight and she was like "gille, baxter owes me $500 for like 8 months now, and im cool with him." and i know that, but i mean.. thats the thing. baxter owes her $500, her old roommates owe her money, everyone owes kim money. and i dont wanna be another one, esp since im like teetering with her.. i was so mad at her for ruining my dinner party and taking it over, and i dont like how she is when shes drunk, shes everything she knew she would be when she was straght edge, and ive lost so much respect for her. i admired her strength to be the one who stayed sober bc she knew it wasnt good, and now she drinks with everyone, and shes a mean drunk.. i dont like when people treat me like shit, and esp when they are drunk. its fucked up. but then, when i was a mess tonight at work, she was not going anywhere until she knew i was going home, and she told me i should go to her place, that she had a lot of work to do, but it was ok.. shes there for me no matter what, even though i barely talked to her at work, and she asked lee if i was mad at her.. despite that, she waited for me and said we could get food or go home or do whatever. and even though i told her to leave like four times, she hung around to make sure. so i dont know.. in some ways i think weve grown apart and that i dont want to be friends with someone who talks to me like she does when she drinks, but.. ugh everything is always so complicated.
anyway. i have to go write in my paper journal. i have been neglecting it since i started this, and the reason i keep a journal is to always be able to look back on my life and see what i did when and how and why and all the emotions i felt or thought i felt or hurt. and i have stopped bc its easier to type than to hold the pen, and i've lost the motivation to write down an idea when it pops into my head bc i no longer sleep with my journal on the floor beside me.. so im losing all my thoughts to time, and i dont like how i feel when i realize that my life is passing and im not writing. and besides, some things are too personal for you, so there. not that i think anyone even reads this, its a rare occasion that i put the link in my away messages anymore, and its not like i tell people to go look at it.
so i bid you farewell for the evening, and maybe for the week.. because i need to concentrate on preserving my paper trail of heart break and crazy interludes.
this will be wasted time if you leave. this will come back to me if you leave, when you leave. time again to play the game, same old questions. when does being right and being dead begin. i wont ever feel the same no matter what happens if you promise not to try i swear i wont hurt you.
so look the other way dont turn yr head i've seen this all before. cos after all this time i bet you cant look me in the eye. you dont know what you want, do you want me hangin round. i'll just sit here and pretend that once you were mine. i cant promise you but i can promise that i dont want to love you. i cant watch over you. you broke the wing that sheltered you.
feels like im drunk again but i still remember everything. picture perfect i remember being nervous. feels like i'm drunk again. i still, still remember everything. i still remember you.
if i stay too long, i might think yr mine. but if i leave now i dont think i can make it.
"hit or miss you" king for a day ... and its 97 all over again.
so look the other way dont turn yr head i've seen this all before. cos after all this time i bet you cant look me in the eye. you dont know what you want, do you want me hangin round. i'll just sit here and pretend that once you were mine. i cant promise you but i can promise that i dont want to love you. i cant watch over you. you broke the wing that sheltered you.
feels like im drunk again but i still remember everything. picture perfect i remember being nervous. feels like i'm drunk again. i still, still remember everything. i still remember you.
if i stay too long, i might think yr mine. but if i leave now i dont think i can make it.
"hit or miss you" king for a day ... and its 97 all over again.
Thursday, November 20, 2003
i am so scared to leave. i don't know when i started to feel this way, but i just realized it. i'm afraid that all the people who are important to me will fade into the background and disappear, like all my friends from high school, and pretty much all my friends from college. and all my friends from my days as a scenster. i guess the most i still have are from the show days, but i dont know, it kinda bothers me a lot that so many people have gone through my life, and it is probably about to happen again. i know i'll stay in touch with candace. but i live with her and we're pretty close. but im scared that i'll lose touch with the saints boys, and jesse.. and im kinda bummed about probably never seeing ninety nine percent of the chevys people again. i guess if it bothered me that much, i'd make an effort to keep in touch, but i guess i just feel like i wouldnt hang out with most of them in real life, they are just cool to hang out with at work. kim and i had our dinner party last night, and bart and michael were late so i had to make their soup second. i was doing dishes, so i asked baxter to clear the table. he did, and he was scraping plates, and for some reason, he came over and dumped out half of the ingredients for the soup that were on one plate, i guess just cos it was a dirty plate and he was kinda drunk. but so when i made the second batch of soup, it was short onions and potato skins.. it was basically soup and potatoes. and since it was missing so much, it wasnt thick. and i was a bit messed up so i poured in a ton of pepper. i decided it was ok bc they are from texas. but anyway. i was leaving and i apologized to them bc the soup wasnt that good, and i was like "so when you guys are famous, you'll remember me as the girl who made bad soup." but bart said that was untrue, that it was good soup, and that we wouldnt lose contact. i dont know though.. im not the type of person who talks on the phone, and if they go out on tour or something, then i dont know if ill ever see them again. i wish that there was some way to amend this, bc it really upsets me that im going to be going back to the place i swore i'd never return to. when i left long island, i was pretty sure i was leaving it for good, and i never wanted to go back. i hate the people and how they are and all the crap. but then i think about my friends.. and most of my friends are from long island, and all the people i'm still in touch with are from long island. even sean, who is the only person i still see from college, is from li, and living on li. and then there are the people that, even though i never see now, i'll probably see more again when i move home, and we'll probably be as cool as we were before i left, like katie and jamie.. both of whom i see like once or twice a year right now. and kurt, and maybe joe. i dont know, maybe it wont be so bad, but i dont want to leave the others behind. ryan is going to stay here or move to nj or something.. i dont know what john is doing. but i'll probably see them less and less.. ugh. must go to school and be an outstanding scholar...
i think im trapped in my mind. i always think im ok till something small happens and everything disconnects. im not going to try to explain it. i just cant make anything work bc my mind steps in and fucks me up. its really windy and the bathroom door just came open and i almost had a heart attack, no kidding.
i am fairly agile. i can bend and not break.
or i can break and take it with a smile.
i am so resilient. i recover quickly.
i'll convince you soon that i am fine.
thanks, dashboard, for speaking my mind yet again.
i think im worried that i dont know who i am anymore..
i am fairly agile. i can bend and not break.
or i can break and take it with a smile.
i am so resilient. i recover quickly.
i'll convince you soon that i am fine.
thanks, dashboard, for speaking my mind yet again.
i think im worried that i dont know who i am anymore..
Sunday, November 16, 2003
jenna elfman came into chevys today. miguel waited on her. she was so nice and real, it was bizarre. i waited on juliette lewis when i worked at unos, but i dont care for any of her work. anyway, i was walking to the kitchen, and i passed her, and as i got nearer i looked up and we made eye contact, so i went to look away (as i do), but she smiled, so i smiled back, and like 5 seconds later i was like "dharma?" in my head. then justin was saying to miguel did he know who he was waiting on, and it was confirmed. she was just sitting there, chatting with her people and then they left, and she waved and i was like "bye, have a good day" and i was like "aww shes so sweet."
anyway. i worked 11 and a half terrible hours, i almost quit then it calmed down. i hated it all day though. im off tomorrow, so im going to make some salads for the week, namely egg, macaroni, potato, and pasta. i'm also going to make a beautiful dinner of baked potato soup and i havent decided on what the main course will be. i think i'll have some salad.. maybe ziti. i have to read tomorrow also. boo to homework. i have to call up all the barnes and nobles and all the borders in manhattan to try to get the book i have to read. im going crazy about this, i was so irresponsible and i didn't get the book on time and now its late and i have to write questions on it, which i dont have the same edition as everyone else, which is a problem problem! ugh im rambling.
i have a cold, its making my head be like "die." i think i should sleep soon, so i can wake up and get my shit done tomorrow. i cant wait, im pretty exicted to cook. gabe might stop by, also my friend lou might stop by. like a psuedo dinner party. ill clean my house, sweep the floors.. i wonder if ill be at all motivated when i wake up in the morning. i hope its not too cold, or else i'll be a waste of life, for sure. i have to get focused focused focused. or else i will screw up my courses, which i am pretty much already doing bc ive been so blase for so long. but i think im getting better. who knows.
anyway. i worked 11 and a half terrible hours, i almost quit then it calmed down. i hated it all day though. im off tomorrow, so im going to make some salads for the week, namely egg, macaroni, potato, and pasta. i'm also going to make a beautiful dinner of baked potato soup and i havent decided on what the main course will be. i think i'll have some salad.. maybe ziti. i have to read tomorrow also. boo to homework. i have to call up all the barnes and nobles and all the borders in manhattan to try to get the book i have to read. im going crazy about this, i was so irresponsible and i didn't get the book on time and now its late and i have to write questions on it, which i dont have the same edition as everyone else, which is a problem problem! ugh im rambling.
i have a cold, its making my head be like "die." i think i should sleep soon, so i can wake up and get my shit done tomorrow. i cant wait, im pretty exicted to cook. gabe might stop by, also my friend lou might stop by. like a psuedo dinner party. ill clean my house, sweep the floors.. i wonder if ill be at all motivated when i wake up in the morning. i hope its not too cold, or else i'll be a waste of life, for sure. i have to get focused focused focused. or else i will screw up my courses, which i am pretty much already doing bc ive been so blase for so long. but i think im getting better. who knows.
Saturday, November 15, 2003
fuck you all, im going to bed.
Friday, November 14, 2003
sometimes i am acutely aware of the fact that i might be the most stupid girl to have *ever* walked the face of the earth. seriously. tonight is one of those nights....
its cold out, and the wind is blowing really hard. and i wish that you were here to protect me from it. maybe you would be if i hadn't pushed you away. i know im dwelling on this, and that i've been kind of obsessed lately. maybe it's just bc i saw you, and when i saw you smile, it all came back. maybe its because i have had such a lack of significant emotion for so long that im searching for something to prove that i still feel, that i have the capability to still have emotions that mean anything.
but then i realize that im the asshole, and that i was .. i dont know. naive. like, i weigh these things. i was honestly scared. i was actually petrified. but that is the least of it. the worst part is that i completely screwed everything up, our chances of continuing to know each other, our chances at ever meaning something, anything, even in the smallest degree, to each other, when i jumped into a new relationship. and what bothers me the most is that i completely alienated you for the WORLDS WORST BOY.
i know i keep saying these things, and i keep harping on myself, and beating myself up. maybe i'm just tired of waking up alone. maybe im tired of being alone. or maybe, just maybe, i truly miss you. i'm betting on the latter.
but.... as much cleaner as my head has become over the past year, its still a mess. im here and there, i never know exactly how i feel at any given moment....... sometimes im like well i dont wish that things were different, that we were still together or that we could know each other and have the potential to establish something. but at the same time, i cant help but wonder if you were the one i should be with, bc you so soothed me, you so made me feel like i was worth something, you so made me the best person i could possibly be..
i cant think about this anymore. im going to bed. just to wake up alone again in seven hours. ughhhhh. fuck. ok. bye.
its cold out, and the wind is blowing really hard. and i wish that you were here to protect me from it. maybe you would be if i hadn't pushed you away. i know im dwelling on this, and that i've been kind of obsessed lately. maybe it's just bc i saw you, and when i saw you smile, it all came back. maybe its because i have had such a lack of significant emotion for so long that im searching for something to prove that i still feel, that i have the capability to still have emotions that mean anything.
but then i realize that im the asshole, and that i was .. i dont know. naive. like, i weigh these things. i was honestly scared. i was actually petrified. but that is the least of it. the worst part is that i completely screwed everything up, our chances of continuing to know each other, our chances at ever meaning something, anything, even in the smallest degree, to each other, when i jumped into a new relationship. and what bothers me the most is that i completely alienated you for the WORLDS WORST BOY.
i know i keep saying these things, and i keep harping on myself, and beating myself up. maybe i'm just tired of waking up alone. maybe im tired of being alone. or maybe, just maybe, i truly miss you. i'm betting on the latter.
but.... as much cleaner as my head has become over the past year, its still a mess. im here and there, i never know exactly how i feel at any given moment....... sometimes im like well i dont wish that things were different, that we were still together or that we could know each other and have the potential to establish something. but at the same time, i cant help but wonder if you were the one i should be with, bc you so soothed me, you so made me feel like i was worth something, you so made me the best person i could possibly be..
i cant think about this anymore. im going to bed. just to wake up alone again in seven hours. ughhhhh. fuck. ok. bye.
Monday, November 10, 2003
something needs to change. im so tired of practically everything in my life. i need a change of scenery or something. i'm sick of school and work and school and work. i need a boy to cuddle up with, its getting cold. you know. well i made it through last winter alone, so.. the enigma came along at the tail end of winter. bahhh no im obviously not meant to be with any of the boys in the world, but. i guess im lucky that i was in love once. and now this is punishment for screwing that up. oh well, oh well. fruity pebbles for me..
Sunday, November 09, 2003
i just got back from long island. feeling super sleeepy. last night i went to see the csp with antonia, and we ran into mike muthafuckin kinney, who i hadnt seen in YEARS.. he said he saw me at alkaline. i dont remember.
so that was ok i guess. we hung around and watched both sets. chaz's parents were there, and it kind of troubles me that they talk to me and say goodbye, but he won't even barely look at me. it kinda freaks me out, i worry that they'll think i came to stalk their son or something, but jamie is my friend and i'm there for her and chris.. so anyway. antonia and i were sitting at the bar, and he came over and tapped my shoulder lightly, but when i said "hey" he didn't respond so i was like.. ok. whatever i dont know why i constantly beat myself up over this, but i do, and it makes me sad. all the things i could have done differently.. all the things i could have said, i could have done. "and its too late to tell you that i care, and i wish that you were here, and i'm thinking it would be better if you had never left at all.." that's penfold. i dont know, i mean i dont wish that we were still together bc we are probably different people now, i just wish that we could be friends and stuff. seriously, he is the only one i still care about, i mean my last relationship was two fucking years and for all i care, nick could be on fire right now. i know nothing of him, except for the times that candace randomly mentions that she ran into him at pace or whatnot. but then, i was never in love with nick. i wanted to be, and i guess i probably loved him as a person before he started treating me like shit and i grew to hate him. but i was in love with chaz, and maybe something still lingers. who knows. who cares anyway. it doesnt make sense for me to sit here and thikn about this, it doesnt. ugh. i cant change the past, this i need to accept.
so that was ok i guess. we hung around and watched both sets. chaz's parents were there, and it kind of troubles me that they talk to me and say goodbye, but he won't even barely look at me. it kinda freaks me out, i worry that they'll think i came to stalk their son or something, but jamie is my friend and i'm there for her and chris.. so anyway. antonia and i were sitting at the bar, and he came over and tapped my shoulder lightly, but when i said "hey" he didn't respond so i was like.. ok. whatever i dont know why i constantly beat myself up over this, but i do, and it makes me sad. all the things i could have done differently.. all the things i could have said, i could have done. "and its too late to tell you that i care, and i wish that you were here, and i'm thinking it would be better if you had never left at all.." that's penfold. i dont know, i mean i dont wish that we were still together bc we are probably different people now, i just wish that we could be friends and stuff. seriously, he is the only one i still care about, i mean my last relationship was two fucking years and for all i care, nick could be on fire right now. i know nothing of him, except for the times that candace randomly mentions that she ran into him at pace or whatnot. but then, i was never in love with nick. i wanted to be, and i guess i probably loved him as a person before he started treating me like shit and i grew to hate him. but i was in love with chaz, and maybe something still lingers. who knows. who cares anyway. it doesnt make sense for me to sit here and thikn about this, it doesnt. ugh. i cant change the past, this i need to accept.
Saturday, November 08, 2003
gille loves alkaline trio!!! aaah. so. um, alkaline were so good, as i knew they would be. i'm still drunk. i had like 9 shots. of tequila. yum yum. they tried to stop me, but i couldnt. i ran into lauren, whom i havent seen since pace days, and she asked me if i wanted to be in the vagina monologues again. so yay, maybe i'll be in it again, which would be fun, i've done it twice. anyway. so of course the opened with the love for fire song .. soooooo good. they played maybe i'll catch fire and blue in the face (YAY!!!), and.. good stuff. honestly i can't remember what songs they played really. cuervo really interfered. we danced and sang, and about halfway through candace and i made our way all the way up to the front. we were so happy, being excited and yay. i was proud of us for making our way through all the pits and crowd surfers. i havent done that in so long. i've been content to watch from a distance, but this time i was drunk and i wanted to dance waaayyyy up front. they were SO GOOOOOD. they played radio too, but not fatally yours or clavicle or stupid kid or the poinsetta poison rain song.. but its all good. we shall see them again, and often. candace and i have vowed to become alkaline junkies. we had so much fun, i wish we were still there. we got home and i felt like crap but we ordered anytime and ate greasy food and now im eh still drunk but ok. must sleeeeep soon, bc i feel like crap and i can barely see. oh and ryan lost a lens to his glasses in the pit. and john lost his button down, and some kid tried to steal his hoodie. not cool. however, i had my brooklyn hoodie and ryans new alkaline hoodie on my bad and both were fine. i got a coffin shirt. i wanted the pullover hoodie but they ran out. ALKALINE TRIO ARE SO GOOD!! aaah ahaahhhhhh im still in this crazy state of elation. we got all dressed up and we wore short skirts and dress shirts and heels and we fuckin made it to the front and guys hit on us (hahah) and ryan almost got in fights with kids he thought were too young to appreciate alkaline.. candace and i smoked a cigarette downstairs and some staff member said we couldnt, that we had to go to the stairs or into the bathroom. blah blah. drinking sans smoking doesnt work.
fuckin, i opened chevys this morning and now its almost 3 am. i was really busy, and it was me and chris ray upstairs. i used to hate him, but hes nce to me now that im friends with bart and baxter, and i come to every single show. he used to call kimand me groupies, but we argued that we arent bc we've never slept with memebers of the band.. blah blah. iim off tomorrow though. YAY. im gonna sleep late. then ill go home, and im thinking about going to see the community service project. it kinda bums me out to see them, to see chaz and think of all the things i did wrong, but my girl jamie gates is the bassist now and i love her to little tiny pieces, we've been close since 9th grade orchestra (we bonded over tori amos) and i cant not go and see her play bc it makes me sad to see him. itll be especially hard this time, considering that last time i hadnt apologized. but then i did and he said some stuff that i wish i didnt know...... but. thats my deal.
anyway. i think i cant see, my contacts are like stuck to my eyeballs and i feel like im not so drunk, and i hate getting the still awake hangover.. but im drinking my gatorade which restores electrolytes!
must sleep now, sweet dreams of alkaline rocking and being the super great band they are!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!
fuckin, i opened chevys this morning and now its almost 3 am. i was really busy, and it was me and chris ray upstairs. i used to hate him, but hes nce to me now that im friends with bart and baxter, and i come to every single show. he used to call kimand me groupies, but we argued that we arent bc we've never slept with memebers of the band.. blah blah. iim off tomorrow though. YAY. im gonna sleep late. then ill go home, and im thinking about going to see the community service project. it kinda bums me out to see them, to see chaz and think of all the things i did wrong, but my girl jamie gates is the bassist now and i love her to little tiny pieces, we've been close since 9th grade orchestra (we bonded over tori amos) and i cant not go and see her play bc it makes me sad to see him. itll be especially hard this time, considering that last time i hadnt apologized. but then i did and he said some stuff that i wish i didnt know...... but. thats my deal.
anyway. i think i cant see, my contacts are like stuck to my eyeballs and i feel like im not so drunk, and i hate getting the still awake hangover.. but im drinking my gatorade which restores electrolytes!
must sleep now, sweet dreams of alkaline rocking and being the super great band they are!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!
Friday, November 07, 2003
so im kinda getting ready to go see alkaline again WWWOOOOOOOOO!!! i'm so psyched. candace is on her way home, ryan is getting ready.. i have to iron my hair, and get dressed, but neither should take too long. candace is bringing some vodka home, i have tequila, we are going to be drunk as hell so as to better identify with alkaline trio lyrics. maybe they'll play "clavicle" this time.. aah im soo psyched, i cant wait i cant wait. last time was like a week after the cd came out so i didnt really know the words yet and they didnt play hardly any old stuff.. i hope they play "stupid kid" this time! we're gonna be all dancy and drunk and happy its gonna be great. GREAT. candace wants me to wear my short plaid skirt, but i dont think i will. ryan said it opens the door to too much groping. i'll prob wear my knee lenth black pleated one. dressed up and drunk woohoo! i kinda feel nervous for some reason. i screwed up my pills last night so i woke up at 4 am all nauseas and my belly has been screwed up all day, so maybe thats all it is.. ugh. anyway. YAY ALKALINE TRIO YAY!
.. but i believe in you so much, i could die from the words that you say ..
Wednesday, November 05, 2003
i'll be true, i'll be useful...
i'll be cavalier...i'll be yours my dear.
and i'll belong to you...
if you'll just let me through.
this is easy as lovers go,
so don't complicate it by hesitating.
and this is wonderful as loving goes,
this is tailor-made, whats the sense in waiting?
dashboard
i'll be cavalier...i'll be yours my dear.
and i'll belong to you...
if you'll just let me through.
this is easy as lovers go,
so don't complicate it by hesitating.
and this is wonderful as loving goes,
this is tailor-made, whats the sense in waiting?
dashboard
obbbbble. so i went to see st azimuth last night, they were really really good, as i knew they would be. we drank a lot, hung out in the green room. lots of chevy's people came through, it was kind of funny and weird. afterward i headed over to the studio with them, and we hung out for a while. they want to branch out from the chevy's crowd as their fanbase, and i was like "hey can i still come?" and they said yes i could. besides, they are going to be famous one day, and baxter promised i could visit him in his missile silo. he's buying one when they get famous. and i am above the chevy's people crowd, anyway, they are my friends, not just my coworkers.
so that was fun. tonight i worked.. made some money. which is good, since i drank away the money i earned friday and last night. oooh and kelly (yah, psycho manager) got fired!! managers are dropping like flies around chevy's, for real. people kept asking me if i was happy that she got fired, and im pretty indifferent. i thought i would be, but its like, at least i knew what i was dealing with.. the only manager that has been there longer than me now is joey. im worried that it will be like when i worked at applebee's downtown.. all the managers quit and they were replaced by times square ones, and they were horrendous and changed everything.. ugh. i like the new acting GM, he is funny and likeable, but i dont know if i quite trust him. we smoked a cigarette together tonight, and it was alright, but there is stillsome investigating required. we get our new GM in december, and its cool bc gregg is still there, and we get along with him quite well, but. yah...
yo its fuckin cold.
i have so much on my mind right now. i'm supposed to go to marjory's party tomorrow night, but i don't know if i'm feeling it. i don't know if i'll be social. i said i would go, so maybe we should make an appearance. kim was kinda adamant about going, but she hasn't called me back to discuss. i'm going to stop by work on my way home from school to check in with bart and see if he is going. he's closing upstairs.. i wanna go home before i go anyway, and i dont wanna get there till like 12.. she said people would probably start getting there at 11.. i'd like to be late, make an appearance, and come home. i need to figure stuff out, my mind is a mess with feelings and psuedo feelings and confusion. i have these tests i do with myself on boys.. like i try to picture myself doing stuff with them, to see if i can imagine doing things i'd like to be able to do with them. and i guess i can't picture myself doing any of those things with work boy. its just a silly crush, and besides, if he was interested, hes waited way too long to show it, and i gave him soo many opportunities. i invited him to eat with kim and me, i invited him out on halloween, i invited him to last nights show.. and he didn't come to any of them. maybe he'll be at the party tomorrow, but its like who even cares anymore. i have bigger feelings to deal with. i'm really confused about something that i dont think i want to talk about. i need to work it out in my head, maybe in my paper journal. i don't feel like i need to work this shit out on here. ugh, obble. OBBLE!
so that was fun. tonight i worked.. made some money. which is good, since i drank away the money i earned friday and last night. oooh and kelly (yah, psycho manager) got fired!! managers are dropping like flies around chevy's, for real. people kept asking me if i was happy that she got fired, and im pretty indifferent. i thought i would be, but its like, at least i knew what i was dealing with.. the only manager that has been there longer than me now is joey. im worried that it will be like when i worked at applebee's downtown.. all the managers quit and they were replaced by times square ones, and they were horrendous and changed everything.. ugh. i like the new acting GM, he is funny and likeable, but i dont know if i quite trust him. we smoked a cigarette together tonight, and it was alright, but there is stillsome investigating required. we get our new GM in december, and its cool bc gregg is still there, and we get along with him quite well, but. yah...
yo its fuckin cold.
i have so much on my mind right now. i'm supposed to go to marjory's party tomorrow night, but i don't know if i'm feeling it. i don't know if i'll be social. i said i would go, so maybe we should make an appearance. kim was kinda adamant about going, but she hasn't called me back to discuss. i'm going to stop by work on my way home from school to check in with bart and see if he is going. he's closing upstairs.. i wanna go home before i go anyway, and i dont wanna get there till like 12.. she said people would probably start getting there at 11.. i'd like to be late, make an appearance, and come home. i need to figure stuff out, my mind is a mess with feelings and psuedo feelings and confusion. i have these tests i do with myself on boys.. like i try to picture myself doing stuff with them, to see if i can imagine doing things i'd like to be able to do with them. and i guess i can't picture myself doing any of those things with work boy. its just a silly crush, and besides, if he was interested, hes waited way too long to show it, and i gave him soo many opportunities. i invited him to eat with kim and me, i invited him out on halloween, i invited him to last nights show.. and he didn't come to any of them. maybe he'll be at the party tomorrow, but its like who even cares anymore. i have bigger feelings to deal with. i'm really confused about something that i dont think i want to talk about. i need to work it out in my head, maybe in my paper journal. i don't feel like i need to work this shit out on here. ugh, obble. OBBLE!
Monday, November 03, 2003
i just got the new dashboard cd (ok not so new anymore, im broke.) and they ruined "hands down" i mean its ok bc it has emotion and shit but where is my acoustic??? WHERE IS MY ACOUSTIC? ugh ugh ugh. i want to cry. ok. i dont but still.
im going to see my boys play their instruments tonight. st azimuth is playing at tobacco road. last time i was there i went in all this bizarre rooms and michael told me the history of it, it used to be the savoy, that famous jazz club. now its a dive bar. but its kinda cool. its the first time they're playing again since chris had surgery, i havent seen them since june 2, actually that was the last show.. at the bitter end. but anyway, bart is playing drums now, and baxter is singing something, and chris is playing guitar and michael is in the band playing bass. ian and simon are gone, and i guess maybe there is no keyboard, they have all new songs, i'm kind of excited.
must go work now, though.....
im going to see my boys play their instruments tonight. st azimuth is playing at tobacco road. last time i was there i went in all this bizarre rooms and michael told me the history of it, it used to be the savoy, that famous jazz club. now its a dive bar. but its kinda cool. its the first time they're playing again since chris had surgery, i havent seen them since june 2, actually that was the last show.. at the bitter end. but anyway, bart is playing drums now, and baxter is singing something, and chris is playing guitar and michael is in the band playing bass. ian and simon are gone, and i guess maybe there is no keyboard, they have all new songs, i'm kind of excited.
must go work now, though.....
Sunday, November 02, 2003
... when people die, they take a piece of us with them ...
adam would have been 24 today. or yesterday, its after midnight. i remember this one time.. it was the middle of winter, and i had to write this concert review for my music class.. only thing was i hadn't been to a show in forever, so i looked in the voice and found out that the queers were playing that night, at the knitting factory. i called up adam to see if he wanted to go.. he was working on his thesis. but he dropped everything to go with me, because he knew i wouldnt go if i had to go alone, and he was a good friend. these two drunk kids kept walking into us at the bar, then there was this homeless man yelling while we were walking home, we laughed and we shivered, it was so cold that night.. and i know i thanked him for coming, but i wish i would have thanked him more often, like every day after that. or every day before that for being such a great person. but now yr gone, and i wish i could hug you and play video games or watch wrestling or any of the stuff we used to do.. i wish you could have known how much we appreciated you.
adam would have been 24 today. or yesterday, its after midnight. i remember this one time.. it was the middle of winter, and i had to write this concert review for my music class.. only thing was i hadn't been to a show in forever, so i looked in the voice and found out that the queers were playing that night, at the knitting factory. i called up adam to see if he wanted to go.. he was working on his thesis. but he dropped everything to go with me, because he knew i wouldnt go if i had to go alone, and he was a good friend. these two drunk kids kept walking into us at the bar, then there was this homeless man yelling while we were walking home, we laughed and we shivered, it was so cold that night.. and i know i thanked him for coming, but i wish i would have thanked him more often, like every day after that. or every day before that for being such a great person. but now yr gone, and i wish i could hug you and play video games or watch wrestling or any of the stuff we used to do.. i wish you could have known how much we appreciated you.
Goodbye to You - Scandal
Those times I waited for you seem so long ago
I wanted you far too much to ever let you go
You know you never got by "I feel it too"
And I guess I never could stand to lose
It's such a pity to say
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to you
Could I have loved someone like the one I see in you
I remember the good times baby now, and the bad times too
These last few weeks of holding on
The days are dull, the nights are long
Guess it's better to say
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to you
'Cause baby it's over now
No need to talk about it
It's not the same
My love for you's just not the same
And my heart, and my heart
And my heart can't stand the strain
And my love, and my love
And my love won't stand the pain
And my heart, and my heart
And my heart can't stand the strain
And my love, and my love
And my love...
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to you
Now, could I have loved someone like the one I see in you
Yeah, I remember the good times baby now, and the bad times too
These last few weeks of holding on
The days are dull, the nights are long
Guess it's better to say
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to you
Goodbye baby
So long darling
Goodbye to you
Those times I waited for you seem so long ago
I wanted you far too much to ever let you go
You know you never got by "I feel it too"
And I guess I never could stand to lose
It's such a pity to say
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to you
Could I have loved someone like the one I see in you
I remember the good times baby now, and the bad times too
These last few weeks of holding on
The days are dull, the nights are long
Guess it's better to say
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to you
'Cause baby it's over now
No need to talk about it
It's not the same
My love for you's just not the same
And my heart, and my heart
And my heart can't stand the strain
And my love, and my love
And my love won't stand the pain
And my heart, and my heart
And my heart can't stand the strain
And my love, and my love
And my love...
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to you
Now, could I have loved someone like the one I see in you
Yeah, I remember the good times baby now, and the bad times too
These last few weeks of holding on
The days are dull, the nights are long
Guess it's better to say
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to you
Goodbye baby
So long darling
Goodbye to you
Saturday, November 01, 2003
i feel like shit. yesterday was such a good time, we got all ready before work and everyone had such fabulous costumes! lets see. well, i was a slutty school girl, kim was a rockstar, sean was a pirate, lori was a wench, kathy was marilyn monroe, marjory was a 70s woman dressed like a man in drag.. she had this huge afro and awesome clothes.. shasta was snow white, katrina was superwoman, justin was a trucker, rodrigo was harry potter, rebecca was a britney spears school girl.. we had a best costume contest, and then there were subcategories as well.. marjory won best overall, kathy got best period costume, shasta got best character, jesse got best sad attempt at a costume for his white shirt that read "ghost" across it.. and i won best slutty school girl woo! after work kim and baxter and i went to emmets and had like 4 and a half shots each. jesse, gabe, kathy, lee, and marjory met us there, and then kelly (!!) showed up, which was sooo bizarre. kelly is our psycho manager. but it was alright. baxter told me that if this were texas, and he wasn't doing his musician thing, i would definitely be his girlfriend. it was reallt nice, he told me all the reasons that i was such a perfect girl, and i was like "i really appreciate you appreciating me." we pretended all night, we held hands and he got my drinks (i paid for them though). so then we went over to this bar called jimmy's downtown, we met up with kim and baxters other roommate, stef, there. continued to drink ourselves stupid.. there was some drama when kim got sad, then lee got sad and everyone was drunk so it was like AAAHH. lee kept insisting that baxter and i were going to have sex when we left, but that was silly. anyway we left when the bar closed up, i spent like $70 on liquor which was crazy. i went home with them bc i didnt think i should be waiting for the G at 5 am in a skirt that barely covered my ass. and drunk, at that. we finally went to bed at 630, kim and baxter and i all slept in his bed, i was smooshed in the middle. i had to make sure kim got up for school at 9, so i pushed her out of bed, then she came and laid on top of me for a minute and then she left. i cuddled with baxter for an hour, which was cool.. i havent really felt comfortable enough to cuddle with a guy that i wasn't being intimate with in a looong time. but it worked for me, and it was cozy and happy, and maybe in some parallel universe baxter and i would make a smashing couple, but in this one, there is too much going on and its not realistic...
so that was that. it was a super good time, and i have pictures which im really excited about. kim got to work today at 4 and she was like "i think im either still drunk or delirious." so i was trying to be all supportive like. i made her drink my gatorade, bc it restores electrolytes. i still feel hung over. i need sleeeep. but not yet. i should write my paper. HA.
oh yah, and i guess i got stood up tonight, i was supposed to go on that date.. but no call. im not upset about it, i wasn't really into him anyway. so i feel kinda relieved. if he calls tonight i'm gonna be like "um, what the hell?" its already 8, and i am not going to haul myself back into manhattan to hang out with someone who isn't too reliable. ooooh and i heard from my enigma tonight, he is going to be in the city to see strike anywhere and the bouncing souls tomorrow night, and he was wondering if he could crash at my place bc he has to drive upstate monday morning. i said he could.. kim is so mad at me. he said he would let me know tomorrow, and i guess whatever happens will happen. i wonder if he's gonna have to run it by the girl.. how on earth would she react? "oh, i'm gonna sleep over at gille's tonight.. yah, gille.. the girl i cheated on you with, and hooked up with for the period that we were broken up.. you dont mind, right?" ha. im so torn bc i wanna see him.. i havent seen him since sept 14 (i only know the date bc it was kimmas bday), and i kinda miss him. plus i wanna see if he pulls anything.. if he'll wanna sleep on the couch or in my bed and cuddle.. but i also don't know if i'll be able to be nice to him.. ugh. ugh ugh ugh. i cant decide. i guess he'll decide when i hear from him tomorrow.. i know i'll end up super sad if he does spend the night here, but you know me.. i can't resist.
so that was that. it was a super good time, and i have pictures which im really excited about. kim got to work today at 4 and she was like "i think im either still drunk or delirious." so i was trying to be all supportive like. i made her drink my gatorade, bc it restores electrolytes. i still feel hung over. i need sleeeep. but not yet. i should write my paper. HA.
oh yah, and i guess i got stood up tonight, i was supposed to go on that date.. but no call. im not upset about it, i wasn't really into him anyway. so i feel kinda relieved. if he calls tonight i'm gonna be like "um, what the hell?" its already 8, and i am not going to haul myself back into manhattan to hang out with someone who isn't too reliable. ooooh and i heard from my enigma tonight, he is going to be in the city to see strike anywhere and the bouncing souls tomorrow night, and he was wondering if he could crash at my place bc he has to drive upstate monday morning. i said he could.. kim is so mad at me. he said he would let me know tomorrow, and i guess whatever happens will happen. i wonder if he's gonna have to run it by the girl.. how on earth would she react? "oh, i'm gonna sleep over at gille's tonight.. yah, gille.. the girl i cheated on you with, and hooked up with for the period that we were broken up.. you dont mind, right?" ha. im so torn bc i wanna see him.. i havent seen him since sept 14 (i only know the date bc it was kimmas bday), and i kinda miss him. plus i wanna see if he pulls anything.. if he'll wanna sleep on the couch or in my bed and cuddle.. but i also don't know if i'll be able to be nice to him.. ugh. ugh ugh ugh. i cant decide. i guess he'll decide when i hear from him tomorrow.. i know i'll end up super sad if he does spend the night here, but you know me.. i can't resist.
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