is it too late to heal?

i just got back from long island. feeling super sleeepy. last night i went to see the csp with antonia, and we ran into mike muthafuckin kinney, who i hadnt seen in YEARS.. he said he saw me at alkaline. i dont remember.
so that was ok i guess. we hung around and watched both sets. chaz's parents were there, and it kind of troubles me that they talk to me and say goodbye, but he won't even barely look at me. it kinda freaks me out, i worry that they'll think i came to stalk their son or something, but jamie is my friend and i'm there for her and chris.. so anyway. antonia and i were sitting at the bar, and he came over and tapped my shoulder lightly, but when i said "hey" he didn't respond so i was like.. ok. whatever i dont know why i constantly beat myself up over this, but i do, and it makes me sad. all the things i could have done differently.. all the things i could have said, i could have done. "and its too late to tell you that i care, and i wish that you were here, and i'm thinking it would be better if you had never left at all.." that's penfold. i dont know, i mean i dont wish that we were still together bc we are probably different people now, i just wish that we could be friends and stuff. seriously, he is the only one i still care about, i mean my last relationship was two fucking years and for all i care, nick could be on fire right now. i know nothing of him, except for the times that candace randomly mentions that she ran into him at pace or whatnot. but then, i was never in love with nick. i wanted to be, and i guess i probably loved him as a person before he started treating me like shit and i grew to hate him. but i was in love with chaz, and maybe something still lingers. who knows. who cares anyway. it doesnt make sense for me to sit here and thikn about this, it doesnt. ugh. i cant change the past, this i need to accept.