Thursday, November 29, 2007
then there are people i think about that i was so close to. like chris, who i barely speak to anymore, just bc we never have time. or tom, whose girlfriend doesnt like him being friends with me. he was like my best friend freshman and sophomore years, i thought we would always be friends.. i remember one night freshman year, tom did something and i dont remember what happened, but i told him i was boycotting him. i was in steves room, and he called and he was like "do you have gille?" and i hid under the bed when he came in to see if i was there. it was really funny. he meant a lot to me, but it fell apart. written by me, in this very blog, on october 14, 2003.
i'm definitely still in love with you.
just shoot me.
i'm definitely still in love with you.
just shoot me.
it's amazing what you'll find when you just open yr eyes.. sometimes love can leave you blind, but still you try to cover up the lies and ignore the signs.. sometimes love can leave you blind. what i thought was a certainty has left me spinning in circles again.
...
to you i'm like a flavor that wouldn't last, you took one bite and spat me out real fast. and now this mark remains and will never ever go away.
from first to last
so i don't know. i'm very blah. no word from tom for two days. not that i've contacted him, either. i'm trying to fade away. maybe i won't even have to make my flowery speech about how i can't do this and neither can he. maybe it'll just melt away. i guess my thoughts are with him less and less, but the pain is still here. i rationalized everything on my drive to work this morning when i was thinking about joe. i don't think i was as insane about joe as i am about tom, though. i mean, i lusted after joe. the sexual chemistry was intense. but with tom, there was a connection. i always knew i couldn't end up with joe. he is a cheater. they don't change their colors. he just cheated on his girlfriend two days ago. i feel sort of guilty. i don't know why. i never felt guilty with laura, but i also had never seen her. i've never seen jenna in person but i've seen her myspace. i guess i did see pictures of laura, in his room. i don't know. i feel bad. even if we hadn't fooled around, he got in bed with me. he did not ask if i'd give him blankets for the couch. he put himself in the situation. he cuddled with me. maybe that's not cheating but i'd be pissed if my boyfriend was cuddling with another girl. he will always cheat. he will never be ready to settle down with one girl for the rest of his life. joe and i are nothing but amazing chemistry. i always thought that making conversation with him was secondary to getting into bed with him. but with tom, there is really something there. i'm happy to just hold his hand and drive in the car. see the sights that our areas have to offer. just be. so anyway, this all occured because taking back sunday came on the ipod. "why can't i feel anything for anyone other than you" was coming out of the speakers, and i was flashed back to the numerous times i typed those lyrics into this very blog, aimed at joe and how i felt like i couldn't feel anything for anyone else. but eventually i was able to. there was dave, who i liked. there was mike, though i don't know if that was love or comfort or settling for something so as to no longer be alone.. so i guess eventually i won't feel this anymore. i think i still have feelings for joe, but they are the same feelings i had in 2003.. feelings of sexual desire. i still know that even if he begged me, i couldn't marry him. but tom, i could marry him. i could marry him and love him forever. that simply isn't in the cards. i have to move on.
other things on my mind: seeing BRAND NEWWWWW in two days! i'm excited to gamble. i got paid today, i feel good about my money situation and my ability to spend probably hundreds (maybe $300, maybe $400) this upcoming weekend. maybe this weekend will be amazing. who knows.
still no word from dionne. this bothers me a little. like why reach out to me and say yr here for me when it's been almost two weeks since you have responded to a message i sent? i guess i just want to know what she thinks about my plan, and what she meant by a few sentences that had confused me. whatever though. i'm doing what i'm supposed to.
eh. i'm having such mixed feelings right now. i'm so in love but it's less intense. maybe it isn't love. maybe it was a fantasy. something i imagined to fill myself with hope and promise.
i can't think about this anymore.
...
to you i'm like a flavor that wouldn't last, you took one bite and spat me out real fast. and now this mark remains and will never ever go away.
from first to last
so i don't know. i'm very blah. no word from tom for two days. not that i've contacted him, either. i'm trying to fade away. maybe i won't even have to make my flowery speech about how i can't do this and neither can he. maybe it'll just melt away. i guess my thoughts are with him less and less, but the pain is still here. i rationalized everything on my drive to work this morning when i was thinking about joe. i don't think i was as insane about joe as i am about tom, though. i mean, i lusted after joe. the sexual chemistry was intense. but with tom, there was a connection. i always knew i couldn't end up with joe. he is a cheater. they don't change their colors. he just cheated on his girlfriend two days ago. i feel sort of guilty. i don't know why. i never felt guilty with laura, but i also had never seen her. i've never seen jenna in person but i've seen her myspace. i guess i did see pictures of laura, in his room. i don't know. i feel bad. even if we hadn't fooled around, he got in bed with me. he did not ask if i'd give him blankets for the couch. he put himself in the situation. he cuddled with me. maybe that's not cheating but i'd be pissed if my boyfriend was cuddling with another girl. he will always cheat. he will never be ready to settle down with one girl for the rest of his life. joe and i are nothing but amazing chemistry. i always thought that making conversation with him was secondary to getting into bed with him. but with tom, there is really something there. i'm happy to just hold his hand and drive in the car. see the sights that our areas have to offer. just be. so anyway, this all occured because taking back sunday came on the ipod. "why can't i feel anything for anyone other than you" was coming out of the speakers, and i was flashed back to the numerous times i typed those lyrics into this very blog, aimed at joe and how i felt like i couldn't feel anything for anyone else. but eventually i was able to. there was dave, who i liked. there was mike, though i don't know if that was love or comfort or settling for something so as to no longer be alone.. so i guess eventually i won't feel this anymore. i think i still have feelings for joe, but they are the same feelings i had in 2003.. feelings of sexual desire. i still know that even if he begged me, i couldn't marry him. but tom, i could marry him. i could marry him and love him forever. that simply isn't in the cards. i have to move on.
other things on my mind: seeing BRAND NEWWWWW in two days! i'm excited to gamble. i got paid today, i feel good about my money situation and my ability to spend probably hundreds (maybe $300, maybe $400) this upcoming weekend. maybe this weekend will be amazing. who knows.
still no word from dionne. this bothers me a little. like why reach out to me and say yr here for me when it's been almost two weeks since you have responded to a message i sent? i guess i just want to know what she thinks about my plan, and what she meant by a few sentences that had confused me. whatever though. i'm doing what i'm supposed to.
eh. i'm having such mixed feelings right now. i'm so in love but it's less intense. maybe it isn't love. maybe it was a fantasy. something i imagined to fill myself with hope and promise.
i can't think about this anymore.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
right now i am super slow on the blog. mainly because i'm tired all the time. and tired of saying the same things.
here is my update: snapcase was amazing on sunday. encore of "incarnation". good times! i slept like 2 hours that night but it was worth it, seeing as they insisted it would be the last time they ever played. and i hadn't seen them since august 97! bringing it back to the old days of straight edge hardcore.
i have made it through most of the week without really talking to tom. we emailed a bunch at work about lucid dreams and out of body experiences, but not many text messages. last night a few during the nets game. today none. i really am thinking of him less, but it's not helping to fill the void he left when he walked out on us. blah.
last night i was sleeping peacefully until i was awoken at 4:27 by a text from joe. he wanted to come over. i said ok. he was just getting off work and had to go back in early. he asked if he could sleep on my couch, but i knew better. so he got here, he showered, he came into my bed. we talked, we flirted, he pinned me. he kept mentioning his girlfriend. i didn't make a move. i wanted to. he kept telling me he was tempted, but was being good. what the hell was he doing in my bed if he wanted to be good, anyway? what is up with boys? you come to my bed and you better be prepared to disrobe. but anyway, he resisted until it was time for me to get up and shower. we fooled around but no kissing (weird) and no lovin. i wanted him bad. like BAD. but the 11 month dry spell continues with no end in sight. he was a good houseguest, though. he made my bed and hung his towel on the rack before he left this morning. when i went to work he was falling asleep.
i just got off the phone with derek from match. i don't know if i like his voice. he only talked to me for like 25 minutes. i don't know if meeting him will be worth it because he lives far and i don't feel like amazed by our conversation. but who knows. i felt amazed by conversation with justin and i fled that date, and i also felt amazed by the marathon conversations i had with mike2, but then it turned out he was obsessed with his fidelity funds. so who knows.
BRAND NEW THIS WEEKEND! oh my god, this time in three days i will be in HEAVEN. saturday. brand new + drunk + casinos = heaven. yes.
17 days til i see tom and say goodbye. dionne hasn't responded to my email with my plans to kiss him goodbye. i sent it on the 19th, when i got home from seeing bright eyes. this makes me somewhat sad. she wrote me sunday saying she was running out to the giants game but would respond later.. but no response. still. it's wednesday. so who knows. i don't want to say goodbye. but i feel good in the fact that i wanted joe so badly this morning. maybe this means i can move on. maybe it just means i'm still stuck on joe, though. 10 years of history...
that will be all. it's time for me to veg for an hour and then pass the fuck out. so tired. so so tired...
(i still love you tom)
here is my update: snapcase was amazing on sunday. encore of "incarnation". good times! i slept like 2 hours that night but it was worth it, seeing as they insisted it would be the last time they ever played. and i hadn't seen them since august 97! bringing it back to the old days of straight edge hardcore.
i have made it through most of the week without really talking to tom. we emailed a bunch at work about lucid dreams and out of body experiences, but not many text messages. last night a few during the nets game. today none. i really am thinking of him less, but it's not helping to fill the void he left when he walked out on us. blah.
last night i was sleeping peacefully until i was awoken at 4:27 by a text from joe. he wanted to come over. i said ok. he was just getting off work and had to go back in early. he asked if he could sleep on my couch, but i knew better. so he got here, he showered, he came into my bed. we talked, we flirted, he pinned me. he kept mentioning his girlfriend. i didn't make a move. i wanted to. he kept telling me he was tempted, but was being good. what the hell was he doing in my bed if he wanted to be good, anyway? what is up with boys? you come to my bed and you better be prepared to disrobe. but anyway, he resisted until it was time for me to get up and shower. we fooled around but no kissing (weird) and no lovin. i wanted him bad. like BAD. but the 11 month dry spell continues with no end in sight. he was a good houseguest, though. he made my bed and hung his towel on the rack before he left this morning. when i went to work he was falling asleep.
i just got off the phone with derek from match. i don't know if i like his voice. he only talked to me for like 25 minutes. i don't know if meeting him will be worth it because he lives far and i don't feel like amazed by our conversation. but who knows. i felt amazed by conversation with justin and i fled that date, and i also felt amazed by the marathon conversations i had with mike2, but then it turned out he was obsessed with his fidelity funds. so who knows.
BRAND NEW THIS WEEKEND! oh my god, this time in three days i will be in HEAVEN. saturday. brand new + drunk + casinos = heaven. yes.
17 days til i see tom and say goodbye. dionne hasn't responded to my email with my plans to kiss him goodbye. i sent it on the 19th, when i got home from seeing bright eyes. this makes me somewhat sad. she wrote me sunday saying she was running out to the giants game but would respond later.. but no response. still. it's wednesday. so who knows. i don't want to say goodbye. but i feel good in the fact that i wanted joe so badly this morning. maybe this means i can move on. maybe it just means i'm still stuck on joe, though. 10 years of history...
that will be all. it's time for me to veg for an hour and then pass the fuck out. so tired. so so tired...
(i still love you tom)
Saturday, November 24, 2007
i'm dealing with letting you go alright. i thought about you less today. i'm somewhat obsessed with getting a date right now. i just want to move on with my life. meet someone i can have a somewhat good time with. i can't keep doing this so...
i just want to be married.
i just want to be married.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
you write such pretty words, but life's no story book. love's an excuse to get hurt.. and to hurt.. do you like to hurt?
bright eyes
blah. that is that.
apparently i have been overdrafting my bank account for the past month. i had no idea. all the sudden there are a whole slew of negative account balances. i am now hawking my funds though because i want to have money to waste in atlantic city. i always hawk my funds so that's really why this is news to me. oh well.
i'm tired. i have had a stomach ache for three days. it's awesome.
nets finally won again tonight. that was nice. no texts from tom. i guess he wasn't thinking of me during the spectacularness of the nets win. i didn't text him either. apparently he makes out with a lot of girls. this is some sort of deterrent for me. i don't know how long it will last, but i'm at least a little deterred from wanting him.
saw bright eyes with jan on monday night. spent much of their set texting with tom. about us, or the lack thereof. so i don't know. he says our 30s will be less confusing. i can't wait for him that long. i want to be married. if i have to settle for less than the one i was meant to be with, then so be it. i don't know what else to do anymore. i gotta move on. i should be ready by now. it's been three full months since we formally ended it with two small mishaps. but i'm saying goodbye in 23 days. a very frightening thought, but it has to be a reality. i can't keep stringing myself along. he isn't even doing it anymore, i'm doing it to myself. so i'm going to get out there and meet new people. it's what must be done. i have the image of my perfect man in my brain but i think he's a fantasy. i'll just have to date around or something. try to make a connection, even if it isn't a forever connection. just something to make the days less painful.
maybe he's right, we are just good friends who happen to have some sexual chemistry. not that he's specifically said that, though he has said maybe we were meant to be friends time and time again. when i walk out of his life, at least for the time being, on december 15th or 16th, then i will see if i stop missing him. if i can stop thinking of him for most of my day. if that happens, i guess it's just friendship. it's impossible though because joe and kurt cross my mind frequently. i never forget the ones that got away.. so who knows. but if i think of him even a little less often i guess that will be a job well done. i can't keep feeling like this. i want to have something more than my studio apartment and lovely kitty.
so i guess it's technically thanksgiving. i need to get up in like 8 hours. i need my bed right now or else i'll be tired for a long day of talking with family. i'm way too antisocial for holidays. i'd rather stay home and get retarded personally.
going to see snapcase on sunday. only 9 more days until brand new!! that's exciting. i'm pretty proud of myself for not spending any money this month. my cupboards are totally bare though. i don't think i can make it on ramen for much longer. i really just need some water and some pasta sauce. that could get me by for a little while at least. it's going to be a rough month but i can handle it. i think.
bed.
bright eyes
blah. that is that.
apparently i have been overdrafting my bank account for the past month. i had no idea. all the sudden there are a whole slew of negative account balances. i am now hawking my funds though because i want to have money to waste in atlantic city. i always hawk my funds so that's really why this is news to me. oh well.
i'm tired. i have had a stomach ache for three days. it's awesome.
nets finally won again tonight. that was nice. no texts from tom. i guess he wasn't thinking of me during the spectacularness of the nets win. i didn't text him either. apparently he makes out with a lot of girls. this is some sort of deterrent for me. i don't know how long it will last, but i'm at least a little deterred from wanting him.
saw bright eyes with jan on monday night. spent much of their set texting with tom. about us, or the lack thereof. so i don't know. he says our 30s will be less confusing. i can't wait for him that long. i want to be married. if i have to settle for less than the one i was meant to be with, then so be it. i don't know what else to do anymore. i gotta move on. i should be ready by now. it's been three full months since we formally ended it with two small mishaps. but i'm saying goodbye in 23 days. a very frightening thought, but it has to be a reality. i can't keep stringing myself along. he isn't even doing it anymore, i'm doing it to myself. so i'm going to get out there and meet new people. it's what must be done. i have the image of my perfect man in my brain but i think he's a fantasy. i'll just have to date around or something. try to make a connection, even if it isn't a forever connection. just something to make the days less painful.
maybe he's right, we are just good friends who happen to have some sexual chemistry. not that he's specifically said that, though he has said maybe we were meant to be friends time and time again. when i walk out of his life, at least for the time being, on december 15th or 16th, then i will see if i stop missing him. if i can stop thinking of him for most of my day. if that happens, i guess it's just friendship. it's impossible though because joe and kurt cross my mind frequently. i never forget the ones that got away.. so who knows. but if i think of him even a little less often i guess that will be a job well done. i can't keep feeling like this. i want to have something more than my studio apartment and lovely kitty.
so i guess it's technically thanksgiving. i need to get up in like 8 hours. i need my bed right now or else i'll be tired for a long day of talking with family. i'm way too antisocial for holidays. i'd rather stay home and get retarded personally.
going to see snapcase on sunday. only 9 more days until brand new!! that's exciting. i'm pretty proud of myself for not spending any money this month. my cupboards are totally bare though. i don't think i can make it on ramen for much longer. i really just need some water and some pasta sauce. that could get me by for a little while at least. it's going to be a rough month but i can handle it. i think.
bed.
Monday, November 19, 2007
this is my 550th post.
so i have a lot to say but not a lot of time to say it. currently it is 12:40am which is a probbblemm. so i'll be quick. yesterday i randomly logged on to myspace and i had a message from... dionne. tom's ex-girlfriend/best friend. she wanted to see if i needed to talk. WEIRD. but i don't know, she insisted that even if i didn't want to talk, that i couldn't tell tom she contacted me. i told her what i was dealing with, and she said he has called her a lot about what's been going on. that he cares about me, but he is unsure if he is in love with me. that she keeps telling him to not string me along... i don't know. parts of me feel like it's good to get her perspective, but. she says he's confused. yesterday i felt good about this, like it was a revelation. today i'm back to not so good.
i have a new plan. i have to stick to it. after weston, i'm going to have a talk with him. i think we both need space. i think he needs time to himself without me to really decide what the deal is. and i need time to figure out if i'm really in love with him or if i'm deluding myself. because i truly believe that you can't be IN love alone. so maybe it's something else. a longing. i don't know. if we took a break from each other, maybe we could think more clearly. so now i'm hoping something DOES happen after weston because it would be a very convenient segue to this particular talk. it would show his confusion right then and there. there could be no thought about it. he needs to come to a realization about us. either he cares about me or he doesn't. well he does. but either he is IN LOVE with me or he isn't. and maybe distance from me will help him clear that up. this is the plan. this is a good plan. i feel good about it sometimes. we both need to clear our heads. we both need to sort out what is what. and we can't do that while we are periodically hooking up or texting almost every day.
i should not be awake right now. i'm really not very smart. i have my observation in the morning! this is horrendous. after this law & order i am so sleeping. kasha is already snuggled up to me. it's freezing in here tonight. i'm somewhat excited about this.
i'm so confused. i really am. this has to be the right decision, but how do you ever know? maybe i know nothing. maybe i've made this all up because i'm tired of being alone and he's a good friend. maybe i just need to meet someone else. maybe i should start going out again. i don't know.. this is all so silly and i can't figure it out.
i need my bed.
so i have a lot to say but not a lot of time to say it. currently it is 12:40am which is a probbblemm. so i'll be quick. yesterday i randomly logged on to myspace and i had a message from... dionne. tom's ex-girlfriend/best friend. she wanted to see if i needed to talk. WEIRD. but i don't know, she insisted that even if i didn't want to talk, that i couldn't tell tom she contacted me. i told her what i was dealing with, and she said he has called her a lot about what's been going on. that he cares about me, but he is unsure if he is in love with me. that she keeps telling him to not string me along... i don't know. parts of me feel like it's good to get her perspective, but. she says he's confused. yesterday i felt good about this, like it was a revelation. today i'm back to not so good.
i have a new plan. i have to stick to it. after weston, i'm going to have a talk with him. i think we both need space. i think he needs time to himself without me to really decide what the deal is. and i need time to figure out if i'm really in love with him or if i'm deluding myself. because i truly believe that you can't be IN love alone. so maybe it's something else. a longing. i don't know. if we took a break from each other, maybe we could think more clearly. so now i'm hoping something DOES happen after weston because it would be a very convenient segue to this particular talk. it would show his confusion right then and there. there could be no thought about it. he needs to come to a realization about us. either he cares about me or he doesn't. well he does. but either he is IN LOVE with me or he isn't. and maybe distance from me will help him clear that up. this is the plan. this is a good plan. i feel good about it sometimes. we both need to clear our heads. we both need to sort out what is what. and we can't do that while we are periodically hooking up or texting almost every day.
i should not be awake right now. i'm really not very smart. i have my observation in the morning! this is horrendous. after this law & order i am so sleeping. kasha is already snuggled up to me. it's freezing in here tonight. i'm somewhat excited about this.
i'm so confused. i really am. this has to be the right decision, but how do you ever know? maybe i know nothing. maybe i've made this all up because i'm tired of being alone and he's a good friend. maybe i just need to meet someone else. maybe i should start going out again. i don't know.. this is all so silly and i can't figure it out.
i need my bed.
Saturday, November 17, 2007
if i could i would shrink myself, sink through skin to yr blood cells, remove whatever makes you hurt, but i am too weak to be yr cure
brand new
brand new
that's the truth. i want to be your cure. but that is impossible because i don't think you want a cure. you want to hang on to what you are without me.
if i died in my sleep, that would be ok. seriously. i mean, i used to think that i'd rather be living, who would take care of kasha? but mike would. it's not like i'd kill myself, i wouldn't. i'd just be ok if one night i died in my sleep.
what do you do when you realize that life is just a long string of disappointments? do you keep on going, expecting to be disappointed? or do you give up and go through yr days without hope? aren't they one and the same? that's the phrase i wrote on the outside of my current journal three years ago, that first sentence. and nothing has changed. i'm still routinely disappointed. nothing works out the way i imagine it will. i'm still alone. but it's been three years since then. i wasn't alone the whole time i guess, but it feels like i was. being with mike was like being alone. i just want for once to be surprised and NOT be disappointed.
what i really want is you. for every day and every night. for you to see that we were meant to be together. that's so not going to happen. and if i do wind up with someone, i'll be settling.
i'm so repetitive. i don't even know why i write half the time. getting out the same thoughts over and over and over and over and over....... until i might as well stop recording everything because, really, what does it matter anyway? it's just a different boy but i'm pining the same way.
i want joe to sign on to AIM so i can see why he wanted me to wake up thursday night. i want to tell him that next time he wants me to wake up, he should text or call me. because i'll probably be sleeping alone and wanting someone there to pretend it's the boy i want to marry.
marriage. what the fuck? seriously, it's all i want, to be married (to tom). to come home every night (to tom), make dinner (for tom), and curl up on the couch (with tom). i'd give up my island life, move to new jersey. get a job there. i'd do anything. ANYTHING. i'd give anything.
there was joe again, twice, sign on, sign off. no time to ask. he's gone just as soon as he comes. this is not like him. he's always on. what the fuck do you have a sidekick for if you are on/off? is it broken? i got my period this morning anyway, and i'm sleeping at jans house tonight. so don't wake me up til next weekend, when i'm able to have emotionless sex at my apartment. maybe that's what i need. someone to use and abuse. but i can't bring myself to that. i talk to dudes on match and then i let it peter out. or i shy away from a request to talk on the phone. because i don't want to hurt anyone. i have this hope that tom will realize and if he did i would drop whoever i was with at a seconds notice. because i can't see myself growing old with anyone else. ever.
i need a nap. being awake is too difficult.
if i died in my sleep, that would be ok. seriously. i mean, i used to think that i'd rather be living, who would take care of kasha? but mike would. it's not like i'd kill myself, i wouldn't. i'd just be ok if one night i died in my sleep.
what do you do when you realize that life is just a long string of disappointments? do you keep on going, expecting to be disappointed? or do you give up and go through yr days without hope? aren't they one and the same? that's the phrase i wrote on the outside of my current journal three years ago, that first sentence. and nothing has changed. i'm still routinely disappointed. nothing works out the way i imagine it will. i'm still alone. but it's been three years since then. i wasn't alone the whole time i guess, but it feels like i was. being with mike was like being alone. i just want for once to be surprised and NOT be disappointed.
what i really want is you. for every day and every night. for you to see that we were meant to be together. that's so not going to happen. and if i do wind up with someone, i'll be settling.
i'm so repetitive. i don't even know why i write half the time. getting out the same thoughts over and over and over and over and over....... until i might as well stop recording everything because, really, what does it matter anyway? it's just a different boy but i'm pining the same way.
i want joe to sign on to AIM so i can see why he wanted me to wake up thursday night. i want to tell him that next time he wants me to wake up, he should text or call me. because i'll probably be sleeping alone and wanting someone there to pretend it's the boy i want to marry.
marriage. what the fuck? seriously, it's all i want, to be married (to tom). to come home every night (to tom), make dinner (for tom), and curl up on the couch (with tom). i'd give up my island life, move to new jersey. get a job there. i'd do anything. ANYTHING. i'd give anything.
there was joe again, twice, sign on, sign off. no time to ask. he's gone just as soon as he comes. this is not like him. he's always on. what the fuck do you have a sidekick for if you are on/off? is it broken? i got my period this morning anyway, and i'm sleeping at jans house tonight. so don't wake me up til next weekend, when i'm able to have emotionless sex at my apartment. maybe that's what i need. someone to use and abuse. but i can't bring myself to that. i talk to dudes on match and then i let it peter out. or i shy away from a request to talk on the phone. because i don't want to hurt anyone. i have this hope that tom will realize and if he did i would drop whoever i was with at a seconds notice. because i can't see myself growing old with anyone else. ever.
i need a nap. being awake is too difficult.
i had a lyric but i forget it. so nothing tonight.
ok, i'm really tired. it's like 4am and i have to get up at 11. so i'm going to be quick here. basically, i no longer have to let tom stomp on my heart. i do it myself. like, literally. i'm stomping on my OWN HEART. basically, i'm an asshole and i deserve all the torture he puts me through.
here's what happened: wednesday started out normally. we texted for the morning portion of the day in a nice fashion, and then he sent me a mass text for a nets/poker party. so i was like "thanks for the invite but i don't think i should. i'd hate to find out yr seeing someone after driving all the way to jersey". so he's like "i wouldn't do that to you" blah blah and so i got jealous and i had to ask if he's seeing anyone. he was really shady and so i was like "so you have. well i hope she's amazing, and that you feel overwhelmingly good" so he said he hadn't met anyone he was interested in or who he wanted to be a couple with. which implies he HAS met girls. but whatever so i guess i started to be an idiot due to this insane envy that was consuming me and i was like i don't think we can be friends and he was like i want to be friends and i told him that this isn't fair, it's killing me that i have strong feelings for someone who doesn't have feelings for me. so he said "i don't not have feelings for you" which again, i hate because it gives me a stupid glimmer of very false hope. i told him it wasn't fair that he could move on with his life and i stay stuck, and that i don't know if i can do it blah blah blah. he tells me "you can't KNOW i'm right for you" and i said "i know what i know. but i guess it's possible for you to be the one for me, and me not be the one for you." so he said that maybe i am, and he's just too dumb to realize it now. then he said the right thing will happen for both of us blah blah maybe in the future blah blah. then all the sudden, it's come to jersey. so since i'm an IDIOT, i go. i get there, and then his friend arrives. another couple arrives. the three of them go out to pick something up, and i'm making tea, and he's hugging me from behind, asking me if i hate him. i tell him maybe a little. more hugs. i go over and say how i feel huge and i've gained weight, and what if i were to sit on him? so he advocates for me to sit on him and he hugs me for the 4 minutes it takes our tea to steep. the game ends, and we play poker. i'm sitting next to him and he is kicking me under the table, stepping on my foot, flirty! WHY?!?! and i eat it up because I'M IN LOVE WITH HIM. fast forward, poker is over and it's 1230am. he asks me if i'm staying. offers for me to stay if i'm too tired to drive home. and of course, i stay. he offers to sleep elsewhere, i say no. we are in bed, slightly cuddling.. and then he asks if i hate him as he kisses me. i tell him maybe a little, but i'm not going to stop him. we make out for a while, him periodically stopping to feel guilty and tell me he's feeling guilty. i ignore him so i don't lose my mind. i know nothing will change the whole time i'm with him. we talk a little before sleep, it doesn't go anywhere disasterous. i wake up at 4am and he's hugging me so tightly from behind, and i realize that this is what i want every night for the rest of my life. i wake up in the morning realizing this is who i want to wake up next to every morning for the rest of my life. but it matters not, because nothing has changed. he IS a typical dude. he's only interested in making out with me. keeping me somewhat around in case he decides he wants me. dangling that carrot because he knows there is nowhere for me to go. because he knows i'm in love and that i'll stay if he makes me feel how i feel when he can. i'm happy though i've slept about 2.5 hours.
but now i'm sad again. i woke up this morning and the first thing i did was cry. all over again, i'm crying when i wake up to find myself alone. why did i do this to myself? i won't see him again for a month, and i know the same will go down. weston will play until like 1am and we'll end up getting that mexican place in hoboken he loves.. and we'll end up in nutley at 2am, me tired, me staying, us naked (or at least ME naked since he's like a prude or something), and then i'll proceed to stomp my own heart.
i've thought of all the things i should say to him when we are laying in bed sunday the 16th. how i was willing to move to jersey and how i would have done anything, and how i can't do this. thanks for one last night, but this is goodbye? but to leave.. to leave is the hardest part.
it's when i get really upset and jealous, and feel a horrible sense of him out with these girls that he pulls me back in. it's only then that he wants me there, wants to flirt, wants me to stay.
i'm only worth my body. i may as well accept this and forget any chance of him wanting to settle down with me. some more wholesome girl will walk into his life, and i'll be gone. buddy status 100%. and i'll hope they both die.
i'm so in love with you. why can't you see that we are all each other needs in the world? why can't you see that you were meant for me, and i was meant for you? nothing is right without you.
but you don't need me...
in other news, joe IMed me at like 2am "wake uppppp" but of course i didn't because i was in my room. so all night i've been here, hoping he came on and could ask what he wanted and if he wanted to come here tonight.
i didn't want to be alone tonight.
but i am.
ok, i'm really tired. it's like 4am and i have to get up at 11. so i'm going to be quick here. basically, i no longer have to let tom stomp on my heart. i do it myself. like, literally. i'm stomping on my OWN HEART. basically, i'm an asshole and i deserve all the torture he puts me through.
here's what happened: wednesday started out normally. we texted for the morning portion of the day in a nice fashion, and then he sent me a mass text for a nets/poker party. so i was like "thanks for the invite but i don't think i should. i'd hate to find out yr seeing someone after driving all the way to jersey". so he's like "i wouldn't do that to you" blah blah and so i got jealous and i had to ask if he's seeing anyone. he was really shady and so i was like "so you have. well i hope she's amazing, and that you feel overwhelmingly good" so he said he hadn't met anyone he was interested in or who he wanted to be a couple with. which implies he HAS met girls. but whatever so i guess i started to be an idiot due to this insane envy that was consuming me and i was like i don't think we can be friends and he was like i want to be friends and i told him that this isn't fair, it's killing me that i have strong feelings for someone who doesn't have feelings for me. so he said "i don't not have feelings for you" which again, i hate because it gives me a stupid glimmer of very false hope. i told him it wasn't fair that he could move on with his life and i stay stuck, and that i don't know if i can do it blah blah blah. he tells me "you can't KNOW i'm right for you" and i said "i know what i know. but i guess it's possible for you to be the one for me, and me not be the one for you." so he said that maybe i am, and he's just too dumb to realize it now. then he said the right thing will happen for both of us blah blah maybe in the future blah blah. then all the sudden, it's come to jersey. so since i'm an IDIOT, i go. i get there, and then his friend arrives. another couple arrives. the three of them go out to pick something up, and i'm making tea, and he's hugging me from behind, asking me if i hate him. i tell him maybe a little. more hugs. i go over and say how i feel huge and i've gained weight, and what if i were to sit on him? so he advocates for me to sit on him and he hugs me for the 4 minutes it takes our tea to steep. the game ends, and we play poker. i'm sitting next to him and he is kicking me under the table, stepping on my foot, flirty! WHY?!?! and i eat it up because I'M IN LOVE WITH HIM. fast forward, poker is over and it's 1230am. he asks me if i'm staying. offers for me to stay if i'm too tired to drive home. and of course, i stay. he offers to sleep elsewhere, i say no. we are in bed, slightly cuddling.. and then he asks if i hate him as he kisses me. i tell him maybe a little, but i'm not going to stop him. we make out for a while, him periodically stopping to feel guilty and tell me he's feeling guilty. i ignore him so i don't lose my mind. i know nothing will change the whole time i'm with him. we talk a little before sleep, it doesn't go anywhere disasterous. i wake up at 4am and he's hugging me so tightly from behind, and i realize that this is what i want every night for the rest of my life. i wake up in the morning realizing this is who i want to wake up next to every morning for the rest of my life. but it matters not, because nothing has changed. he IS a typical dude. he's only interested in making out with me. keeping me somewhat around in case he decides he wants me. dangling that carrot because he knows there is nowhere for me to go. because he knows i'm in love and that i'll stay if he makes me feel how i feel when he can. i'm happy though i've slept about 2.5 hours.
but now i'm sad again. i woke up this morning and the first thing i did was cry. all over again, i'm crying when i wake up to find myself alone. why did i do this to myself? i won't see him again for a month, and i know the same will go down. weston will play until like 1am and we'll end up getting that mexican place in hoboken he loves.. and we'll end up in nutley at 2am, me tired, me staying, us naked (or at least ME naked since he's like a prude or something), and then i'll proceed to stomp my own heart.
i've thought of all the things i should say to him when we are laying in bed sunday the 16th. how i was willing to move to jersey and how i would have done anything, and how i can't do this. thanks for one last night, but this is goodbye? but to leave.. to leave is the hardest part.
it's when i get really upset and jealous, and feel a horrible sense of him out with these girls that he pulls me back in. it's only then that he wants me there, wants to flirt, wants me to stay.
i'm only worth my body. i may as well accept this and forget any chance of him wanting to settle down with me. some more wholesome girl will walk into his life, and i'll be gone. buddy status 100%. and i'll hope they both die.
i'm so in love with you. why can't you see that we are all each other needs in the world? why can't you see that you were meant for me, and i was meant for you? nothing is right without you.
but you don't need me...
in other news, joe IMed me at like 2am "wake uppppp" but of course i didn't because i was in my room. so all night i've been here, hoping he came on and could ask what he wanted and if he wanted to come here tonight.
i didn't want to be alone tonight.
but i am.
Monday, November 12, 2007
right now i am suffering from an intense stomach ache. i want it to stop. i want everything to stop. i feel huge amounts of tears welling up right now. the potential for everything to fall apart. i can't keep doing this. i can't keep feeling this way. i don't know what to do or what to say or what to think besides i hate it all and i can't make it stop. i don't want to have these feelings anymore. i don't want to feel so hurt, so rejected, so.. just so... every day. i don't want to do this. i don't want to walk away from you. i have 32 days left until the day comes when i have to be strong. i have to walk away. i just have to do it. i want to do it now, before i lose my nerve, but we have these weston tickets.. it's not like i couldn't get someone else to go with me.. it's a saturday night and i could get someone to go.. but. i don't know. i guess it would be better to do it face to face. not be a pussy. but i am. i am a huge scaredy pants. i feel sick thinking about it. literally, sick. s-i-c-k. sick sick sick sick sick.
i need to go sob.
i need to go sob.
when i press the keys it all gets reversed the sound of loneliness makes me happier...
bright eyes
bright eyes
today was jan and gille day. it was good. we had to drive her friend kelli to queens but we had a lot of chat time in the car on the ride home. i'm tired. i took nyquil, just waiting for law & order to end so i can hit the hay.
i still thought about tom for most of the day despite my jan distraction. that sucked. i really need my brain to just quit functioning. i feel like that will be my only solace. i don't know how else to deal with the intense emotions i feel every day.
i'm getting better from this sick i have going on. i'm definitely not well yet, and today i have a sore throat. but the congestion is breaking up, which is nice.
i have plans for jan and gille day II tomorrow. we are going to the mall to get her new glasses, then have some mac and cheese and watch a movie. oh, and we're getting mini black forest cakes from the buttercooky bakery! the nets are playing tomorrow night, so i don't really want to miss it, but we shall see. she's calling me at like 9 or 10, so i guess we will be on our way to the food and movie before then.
i still have to write college recommendations.
blahhhhh.
i still thought about tom for most of the day despite my jan distraction. that sucked. i really need my brain to just quit functioning. i feel like that will be my only solace. i don't know how else to deal with the intense emotions i feel every day.
i'm getting better from this sick i have going on. i'm definitely not well yet, and today i have a sore throat. but the congestion is breaking up, which is nice.
i have plans for jan and gille day II tomorrow. we are going to the mall to get her new glasses, then have some mac and cheese and watch a movie. oh, and we're getting mini black forest cakes from the buttercooky bakery! the nets are playing tomorrow night, so i don't really want to miss it, but we shall see. she's calling me at like 9 or 10, so i guess we will be on our way to the food and movie before then.
i still have to write college recommendations.
blahhhhh.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
it's 11:11 on 11.11. that is all.
you viewed my profile at 2:22am. what does this mean??? do you miss me? i'm fucking psycho. i'm a disaster. someone needs to murder me. soon.
so i did some work on this blog thing last night, trying to restore what was. i don't know how i did. i definitely left off a bunch of links on my sidebar. whatever.
so i have decided, it's final. december 15th will be the end. i'm dreading the day. i want to keep composed. i don't want to cry. i want to say my piece (peace?) and be on my way. i keep imagining finding some evidence of a girl in his place and walking out, telling him to call her and take her to see weston. i have began to hate weekends. all i do is sit in my apartment and wonder if he's out, meeting girls, dating girls.. fucking pinktequila, i can't handle her at all. i wonder constantly if it's her he wants. 22 year old bisexual girl. those seem to be his type. maybe if i were bisexual he would feel overwhelmingly good about me and about us. but i'm not.
i haven't cried in a while. i think i'm numb. i don't know what to do anymore. i've become very antisocial. i bailed on ryan's party tonight, but it's ok because i'm sick. i have a jan & gille day planned for tomorrow. get her glasses, get a movie, eat some mini cakes. you know, if i'm going to be a hermit, i might as well be a fat hermit. makes all the sense in the world.
i don't want to be alone anymore, but i don't want to be with anyone, either. it's the biggest conflict ever. the only resolution is to be with TOM. obviously. but he has so many flaws to my picture of perfect. maybe it's just because i can't have him. maybe if i had him, i wouldn't be happy. but that's insane, because i was elated all the time when we were semi together. it was perfect. never a disagreement. maybe i'm looking back with rose colored glasses. that's crazy. i adore him. i want him as a permanent part of my life forever.
i need to get out of this funk. i need to just be ok. i'm not ok and that's not ok. so the plan has to be gone trough with. tell him this is goodbye. tell him that maybe when i don't think of him every day, first thing when i wake up, then we can be friends. but i don't think we can ever be friends. i don't think i can ever be just friends with him again. this is a problem. can't live with him, can't live without him.
goshiuehjksbufsagfusjksfnjksgbiuesgtusefnklnklaf!!!!
fucking.. ugh. fucking fuck. all i want to do right now is scream. every day i replay all these memories, snapshots of perfect days. getting ices. hiking in montauk. that stupid castle. eating zeppoles. watching the show on the big sinkhole in asia. atlantic city. just everything. everything everything everything everything. just be mine.
i can't do this. i have to begin the process of cutting ties. no more initiating text conversations. no more nothing. weston will come. i will say what i have to say. i will cry more tears than i thought were humanly possible while driving home in the middle of the night. and then, maybe then, i can let go. cry away the pain, cry away the love i feel.
i just want to disappear.
so i have decided, it's final. december 15th will be the end. i'm dreading the day. i want to keep composed. i don't want to cry. i want to say my piece (peace?) and be on my way. i keep imagining finding some evidence of a girl in his place and walking out, telling him to call her and take her to see weston. i have began to hate weekends. all i do is sit in my apartment and wonder if he's out, meeting girls, dating girls.. fucking pinktequila, i can't handle her at all. i wonder constantly if it's her he wants. 22 year old bisexual girl. those seem to be his type. maybe if i were bisexual he would feel overwhelmingly good about me and about us. but i'm not.
i haven't cried in a while. i think i'm numb. i don't know what to do anymore. i've become very antisocial. i bailed on ryan's party tonight, but it's ok because i'm sick. i have a jan & gille day planned for tomorrow. get her glasses, get a movie, eat some mini cakes. you know, if i'm going to be a hermit, i might as well be a fat hermit. makes all the sense in the world.
i don't want to be alone anymore, but i don't want to be with anyone, either. it's the biggest conflict ever. the only resolution is to be with TOM. obviously. but he has so many flaws to my picture of perfect. maybe it's just because i can't have him. maybe if i had him, i wouldn't be happy. but that's insane, because i was elated all the time when we were semi together. it was perfect. never a disagreement. maybe i'm looking back with rose colored glasses. that's crazy. i adore him. i want him as a permanent part of my life forever.
i need to get out of this funk. i need to just be ok. i'm not ok and that's not ok. so the plan has to be gone trough with. tell him this is goodbye. tell him that maybe when i don't think of him every day, first thing when i wake up, then we can be friends. but i don't think we can ever be friends. i don't think i can ever be just friends with him again. this is a problem. can't live with him, can't live without him.
goshiuehjksbufsagfusjksfnjksgbiuesgtusefnklnklaf!!!!
fucking.. ugh. fucking fuck. all i want to do right now is scream. every day i replay all these memories, snapshots of perfect days. getting ices. hiking in montauk. that stupid castle. eating zeppoles. watching the show on the big sinkhole in asia. atlantic city. just everything. everything everything everything everything. just be mine.
i can't do this. i have to begin the process of cutting ties. no more initiating text conversations. no more nothing. weston will come. i will say what i have to say. i will cry more tears than i thought were humanly possible while driving home in the middle of the night. and then, maybe then, i can let go. cry away the pain, cry away the love i feel.
i just want to disappear.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
i just lost all of my blog. this makes me miserable. i HATE the new format.
so i fall, i don't wanna feel this small,
you know i just can't handle this, handle this at all..
something corporate
you know i just can't handle this, handle this at all..
something corporate
blah. different shades of purple tonight. so listen, i'm losing my mind. i'm very sick, first off. i have a cold that has moved to my chest and it is BURNING from the cough. second, i think for the past 4 hours straight i have thought of one thing: tom. why can't i think of anything else ever? ugh.
i've talked to this one guy online and i'm not that interested, i might let it peter out. his emails are somewhat annoying, he overuses phrases and stuff. then there is another dude that i guess is ok so far, but his first email was really long. so i don't know. he also lives upstate. that means two bridges. not worth it unless there is a tom involved. so i don't know.
i keep replaying things over and over, the way things could have been different. if only i hadn't messaged him on okc when i was in GA, then we wouldn't have had the talk. and then maybe in the time it took to come up he would have really fallen in love with me, rather than having been simply falling in love with me.. maybe if i had backed off in the beginning he would have missed me while the idea of us was still fresh in his mind. and then i switch to the future, imagining me saying goodbye, all of the ways i could, all of the things i could say. i don't know. i just want to forget everything.. some eternal sunshine cure. but then i'd have to forget the good things, too. i wish i could just erase the last year of my life. poof, gone. i'd just be moving in to this place.. i'd be sad but managed. and i would accidentally delete the email he sent me reintroducing ourselves after our 5 year hiatus.
i want to scream sometimes. i have to not text him anymore. this week was too much. the flirtatious days are the worst. they give me hope and then a few days later i feel like crap because new hopes have been shattered.
i need to turn the brain off. i need to forget. i need to come up with something new to say here, because i'm so dull that i can't even handle reading my own words anymore.
i've talked to this one guy online and i'm not that interested, i might let it peter out. his emails are somewhat annoying, he overuses phrases and stuff. then there is another dude that i guess is ok so far, but his first email was really long. so i don't know. he also lives upstate. that means two bridges. not worth it unless there is a tom involved. so i don't know.
i keep replaying things over and over, the way things could have been different. if only i hadn't messaged him on okc when i was in GA, then we wouldn't have had the talk. and then maybe in the time it took to come up he would have really fallen in love with me, rather than having been simply falling in love with me.. maybe if i had backed off in the beginning he would have missed me while the idea of us was still fresh in his mind. and then i switch to the future, imagining me saying goodbye, all of the ways i could, all of the things i could say. i don't know. i just want to forget everything.. some eternal sunshine cure. but then i'd have to forget the good things, too. i wish i could just erase the last year of my life. poof, gone. i'd just be moving in to this place.. i'd be sad but managed. and i would accidentally delete the email he sent me reintroducing ourselves after our 5 year hiatus.
i want to scream sometimes. i have to not text him anymore. this week was too much. the flirtatious days are the worst. they give me hope and then a few days later i feel like crap because new hopes have been shattered.
i need to turn the brain off. i need to forget. i need to come up with something new to say here, because i'm so dull that i can't even handle reading my own words anymore.
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
flirting all day. about 50 texts sent each. you fish for compliments and then deny you are fishing. we get along so well. and my hopes soar over and over. but in the back of my mind all i can do is imagine you talking to girls like pinktequila and i'm lost.
i hate you.
i hate you.
Monday, November 05, 2007
i just want to sleep forever. i'm a waste of life lately. everything is a waste of time without you. i don't want to feel this way anymore. i mean, i do. i want to feel the love but i want it to be reciprocated. i don't want to feel the unrequitedness of it all. i just want to sleep.
i'm so useless for the past few weeks. i have this letter for irene, it's half written, and i'm like unable to sit down and write anything. everything is meaningless. i haven't been this much of a disaster in years. this scares me.
i'm talking to some dude online. i think the only reason i'm continuing the conversation is because he sort of annoys me and i feel like he's a safe non-bet. like i can go on a date with this guy and not feel bad about not feeling anything for him. i just don't connect with people. which is why if i don't die with tom, i'll have to die alone.
i wanted to go to bed at 10 tonight. it's 11 and i still have to wash up. i'm even a failure when it comes to things like getting to sleep. which is apparently all i want to do with my life! i also bought scratch off tickets today, something i wasn't supposed to do. i have no self control. this angers me.
ok so now i'm tired, scared, and angry. it's probably time to call it a night.
i'm so useless for the past few weeks. i have this letter for irene, it's half written, and i'm like unable to sit down and write anything. everything is meaningless. i haven't been this much of a disaster in years. this scares me.
i'm talking to some dude online. i think the only reason i'm continuing the conversation is because he sort of annoys me and i feel like he's a safe non-bet. like i can go on a date with this guy and not feel bad about not feeling anything for him. i just don't connect with people. which is why if i don't die with tom, i'll have to die alone.
i wanted to go to bed at 10 tonight. it's 11 and i still have to wash up. i'm even a failure when it comes to things like getting to sleep. which is apparently all i want to do with my life! i also bought scratch off tickets today, something i wasn't supposed to do. i have no self control. this angers me.
ok so now i'm tired, scared, and angry. it's probably time to call it a night.
Sunday, November 04, 2007
this has been playing over and over in my head. it's the way it has to be. december 15th will come, and at the end of our day together, this is what will happen. it goes something like this: i take your face in my hands and i kiss you. and then i say, "i am still hopelessly in love with you. so this is goodbye. i hope you find someone who makes you feel overwhelmingly good, and that she is all the things i am not. and maybe when you aren't the first thing i think of when i wake up in the morning we can be friends. but for now.... goodbye."
but will i have the courage?
but will i have the courage?
i put so much of myself in everything else, yeah in everything else.. it was a dream come seemingly true torn at the seams revealing a nightmare..
i thought i had everything under control, i couldn't have been more wrong. i thought i held my world in my hands until it broke and i awoke from this foolish dream.
this providence
that pretty much sums it up for me tonight. i'm miserable, all i can think about it his lips on my cheek. why? why do that? why why why why why???
stalked his okc today, he took some girls test. now i'm imagining him out on a date, making out, laying on the couch where we once laid. because i'm an idiot. because he didn't respond to the text i sent 3 hours ago.
i just want this all to go away.
i thought i had everything under control, i couldn't have been more wrong. i thought i held my world in my hands until it broke and i awoke from this foolish dream.
this providence
that pretty much sums it up for me tonight. i'm miserable, all i can think about it his lips on my cheek. why? why do that? why why why why why???
stalked his okc today, he took some girls test. now i'm imagining him out on a date, making out, laying on the couch where we once laid. because i'm an idiot. because he didn't respond to the text i sent 3 hours ago.
i just want this all to go away.
Saturday, November 03, 2007
so we're at the knitting factory watching avail. i'm all alone because i don't want to get kicked in the face. and you keep looking back from the edge of the circle pit every so often, making sure i'm still where i was not too long ago. then all of a sudden yr beside me. "i just came to say hi! so hi!". you stood there for two songs. and then you kissed my cheek and said "bye" before charging into the circle.
how can i simultaneously love and hate you as much as i do?
i can still feel yr lips on my cheek. i can still feel yr hands on my waist as we walked out of the main room, you soaked through with sweat, hair standing up. you etch yr touch into my memory every time i see you.
i miss you.
how can i simultaneously love and hate you as much as i do?
i can still feel yr lips on my cheek. i can still feel yr hands on my waist as we walked out of the main room, you soaked through with sweat, hair standing up. you etch yr touch into my memory every time i see you.
i miss you.
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