Saturday, November 17, 2007
i had a lyric but i forget it. so nothing tonight.
ok, i'm really tired. it's like 4am and i have to get up at 11. so i'm going to be quick here. basically, i no longer have to let tom stomp on my heart. i do it myself. like, literally. i'm stomping on my OWN HEART. basically, i'm an asshole and i deserve all the torture he puts me through.
here's what happened: wednesday started out normally. we texted for the morning portion of the day in a nice fashion, and then he sent me a mass text for a nets/poker party. so i was like "thanks for the invite but i don't think i should. i'd hate to find out yr seeing someone after driving all the way to jersey". so he's like "i wouldn't do that to you" blah blah and so i got jealous and i had to ask if he's seeing anyone. he was really shady and so i was like "so you have. well i hope she's amazing, and that you feel overwhelmingly good" so he said he hadn't met anyone he was interested in or who he wanted to be a couple with. which implies he HAS met girls. but whatever so i guess i started to be an idiot due to this insane envy that was consuming me and i was like i don't think we can be friends and he was like i want to be friends and i told him that this isn't fair, it's killing me that i have strong feelings for someone who doesn't have feelings for me. so he said "i don't not have feelings for you" which again, i hate because it gives me a stupid glimmer of very false hope. i told him it wasn't fair that he could move on with his life and i stay stuck, and that i don't know if i can do it blah blah blah. he tells me "you can't KNOW i'm right for you" and i said "i know what i know. but i guess it's possible for you to be the one for me, and me not be the one for you." so he said that maybe i am, and he's just too dumb to realize it now. then he said the right thing will happen for both of us blah blah maybe in the future blah blah. then all the sudden, it's come to jersey. so since i'm an IDIOT, i go. i get there, and then his friend arrives. another couple arrives. the three of them go out to pick something up, and i'm making tea, and he's hugging me from behind, asking me if i hate him. i tell him maybe a little. more hugs. i go over and say how i feel huge and i've gained weight, and what if i were to sit on him? so he advocates for me to sit on him and he hugs me for the 4 minutes it takes our tea to steep. the game ends, and we play poker. i'm sitting next to him and he is kicking me under the table, stepping on my foot, flirty! WHY?!?! and i eat it up because I'M IN LOVE WITH HIM. fast forward, poker is over and it's 1230am. he asks me if i'm staying. offers for me to stay if i'm too tired to drive home. and of course, i stay. he offers to sleep elsewhere, i say no. we are in bed, slightly cuddling.. and then he asks if i hate him as he kisses me. i tell him maybe a little, but i'm not going to stop him. we make out for a while, him periodically stopping to feel guilty and tell me he's feeling guilty. i ignore him so i don't lose my mind. i know nothing will change the whole time i'm with him. we talk a little before sleep, it doesn't go anywhere disasterous. i wake up at 4am and he's hugging me so tightly from behind, and i realize that this is what i want every night for the rest of my life. i wake up in the morning realizing this is who i want to wake up next to every morning for the rest of my life. but it matters not, because nothing has changed. he IS a typical dude. he's only interested in making out with me. keeping me somewhat around in case he decides he wants me. dangling that carrot because he knows there is nowhere for me to go. because he knows i'm in love and that i'll stay if he makes me feel how i feel when he can. i'm happy though i've slept about 2.5 hours.
but now i'm sad again. i woke up this morning and the first thing i did was cry. all over again, i'm crying when i wake up to find myself alone. why did i do this to myself? i won't see him again for a month, and i know the same will go down. weston will play until like 1am and we'll end up getting that mexican place in hoboken he loves.. and we'll end up in nutley at 2am, me tired, me staying, us naked (or at least ME naked since he's like a prude or something), and then i'll proceed to stomp my own heart.
i've thought of all the things i should say to him when we are laying in bed sunday the 16th. how i was willing to move to jersey and how i would have done anything, and how i can't do this. thanks for one last night, but this is goodbye? but to leave.. to leave is the hardest part.
it's when i get really upset and jealous, and feel a horrible sense of him out with these girls that he pulls me back in. it's only then that he wants me there, wants to flirt, wants me to stay.
i'm only worth my body. i may as well accept this and forget any chance of him wanting to settle down with me. some more wholesome girl will walk into his life, and i'll be gone. buddy status 100%. and i'll hope they both die.
i'm so in love with you. why can't you see that we are all each other needs in the world? why can't you see that you were meant for me, and i was meant for you? nothing is right without you.
but you don't need me...
in other news, joe IMed me at like 2am "wake uppppp" but of course i didn't because i was in my room. so all night i've been here, hoping he came on and could ask what he wanted and if he wanted to come here tonight.
i didn't want to be alone tonight.
but i am.
ok, i'm really tired. it's like 4am and i have to get up at 11. so i'm going to be quick here. basically, i no longer have to let tom stomp on my heart. i do it myself. like, literally. i'm stomping on my OWN HEART. basically, i'm an asshole and i deserve all the torture he puts me through.
here's what happened: wednesday started out normally. we texted for the morning portion of the day in a nice fashion, and then he sent me a mass text for a nets/poker party. so i was like "thanks for the invite but i don't think i should. i'd hate to find out yr seeing someone after driving all the way to jersey". so he's like "i wouldn't do that to you" blah blah and so i got jealous and i had to ask if he's seeing anyone. he was really shady and so i was like "so you have. well i hope she's amazing, and that you feel overwhelmingly good" so he said he hadn't met anyone he was interested in or who he wanted to be a couple with. which implies he HAS met girls. but whatever so i guess i started to be an idiot due to this insane envy that was consuming me and i was like i don't think we can be friends and he was like i want to be friends and i told him that this isn't fair, it's killing me that i have strong feelings for someone who doesn't have feelings for me. so he said "i don't not have feelings for you" which again, i hate because it gives me a stupid glimmer of very false hope. i told him it wasn't fair that he could move on with his life and i stay stuck, and that i don't know if i can do it blah blah blah. he tells me "you can't KNOW i'm right for you" and i said "i know what i know. but i guess it's possible for you to be the one for me, and me not be the one for you." so he said that maybe i am, and he's just too dumb to realize it now. then he said the right thing will happen for both of us blah blah maybe in the future blah blah. then all the sudden, it's come to jersey. so since i'm an IDIOT, i go. i get there, and then his friend arrives. another couple arrives. the three of them go out to pick something up, and i'm making tea, and he's hugging me from behind, asking me if i hate him. i tell him maybe a little. more hugs. i go over and say how i feel huge and i've gained weight, and what if i were to sit on him? so he advocates for me to sit on him and he hugs me for the 4 minutes it takes our tea to steep. the game ends, and we play poker. i'm sitting next to him and he is kicking me under the table, stepping on my foot, flirty! WHY?!?! and i eat it up because I'M IN LOVE WITH HIM. fast forward, poker is over and it's 1230am. he asks me if i'm staying. offers for me to stay if i'm too tired to drive home. and of course, i stay. he offers to sleep elsewhere, i say no. we are in bed, slightly cuddling.. and then he asks if i hate him as he kisses me. i tell him maybe a little, but i'm not going to stop him. we make out for a while, him periodically stopping to feel guilty and tell me he's feeling guilty. i ignore him so i don't lose my mind. i know nothing will change the whole time i'm with him. we talk a little before sleep, it doesn't go anywhere disasterous. i wake up at 4am and he's hugging me so tightly from behind, and i realize that this is what i want every night for the rest of my life. i wake up in the morning realizing this is who i want to wake up next to every morning for the rest of my life. but it matters not, because nothing has changed. he IS a typical dude. he's only interested in making out with me. keeping me somewhat around in case he decides he wants me. dangling that carrot because he knows there is nowhere for me to go. because he knows i'm in love and that i'll stay if he makes me feel how i feel when he can. i'm happy though i've slept about 2.5 hours.
but now i'm sad again. i woke up this morning and the first thing i did was cry. all over again, i'm crying when i wake up to find myself alone. why did i do this to myself? i won't see him again for a month, and i know the same will go down. weston will play until like 1am and we'll end up getting that mexican place in hoboken he loves.. and we'll end up in nutley at 2am, me tired, me staying, us naked (or at least ME naked since he's like a prude or something), and then i'll proceed to stomp my own heart.
i've thought of all the things i should say to him when we are laying in bed sunday the 16th. how i was willing to move to jersey and how i would have done anything, and how i can't do this. thanks for one last night, but this is goodbye? but to leave.. to leave is the hardest part.
it's when i get really upset and jealous, and feel a horrible sense of him out with these girls that he pulls me back in. it's only then that he wants me there, wants to flirt, wants me to stay.
i'm only worth my body. i may as well accept this and forget any chance of him wanting to settle down with me. some more wholesome girl will walk into his life, and i'll be gone. buddy status 100%. and i'll hope they both die.
i'm so in love with you. why can't you see that we are all each other needs in the world? why can't you see that you were meant for me, and i was meant for you? nothing is right without you.
but you don't need me...
in other news, joe IMed me at like 2am "wake uppppp" but of course i didn't because i was in my room. so all night i've been here, hoping he came on and could ask what he wanted and if he wanted to come here tonight.
i didn't want to be alone tonight.
but i am.
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