Monday, December 31, 2007
dear 2007,
i am writing to wish you good riddance. you have been a waste of a year. my 27th on this earth, and nothing redeeming about you. ok, maybe a few things.
good things that happened in 2007:
1. got a job i really like, despite that whole inflating grades thing.
2. went to savannah with jan. rad city.
3. went to costa rica with mom. rad country.
4. saw bright eyes.
5. saw brand new. twice.
6. reconnected with the man of my dreams.
reasons 2007 was a waste:
1. first year since 1995 where i was basically sexually inactive.
2. got my heart smashed by a dude i thought was a good guy.
3. became a hermit.
4. lost a job where i really liked the kids.
5. did not see sloths in costa rica.
6. ventured into the dating world and did not like the journey.
7. missed brand new. twice.
8. spent most of the year stoned so as not to have to feel.
9. rent increased.
10. cable bill increased.
11. spent valentine's day alone, but with mike.
12. lost did not return.
13. one tree hill did not return.
14. gained at least 10 lbs.
15. spent too much time feeling sorry for myself.
so, 2007.. you have really way more cons than pros. seriously. you brought me a lot of heartache and loneliness. one could argue that i brought those things upon myself, but really, you were just a sucky, sucky year. the suckiest year of my whole life. 1995 was pretty bad too, but at least i was thin and there was some sexual activity.
maybe i needed you, 2007, to grow as a human. i feel it fitting that i am sitting alone in my apartment for yr departure. i have learned to love being alone. i'm good at it. turns out all i really need are some friends, namely jan, and my gorgeous cat.
so good riddance 2007. i welcome 2008 with open arms. i'm strangely excited for it's arrival. i will start a new journal tomorrow. i will learn to budget better and save money. i'm healthy. and there is potential with a man that i respect and admire. i'm counting on 2008 to be my best year yet. and even if it isn't, it can't be worse than 2007.
goodbye. and as i said, good riddance!
i am writing to wish you good riddance. you have been a waste of a year. my 27th on this earth, and nothing redeeming about you. ok, maybe a few things.
good things that happened in 2007:
1. got a job i really like, despite that whole inflating grades thing.
2. went to savannah with jan. rad city.
3. went to costa rica with mom. rad country.
4. saw bright eyes.
5. saw brand new. twice.
6. reconnected with the man of my dreams.
reasons 2007 was a waste:
1. first year since 1995 where i was basically sexually inactive.
2. got my heart smashed by a dude i thought was a good guy.
3. became a hermit.
4. lost a job where i really liked the kids.
5. did not see sloths in costa rica.
6. ventured into the dating world and did not like the journey.
7. missed brand new. twice.
8. spent most of the year stoned so as not to have to feel.
9. rent increased.
10. cable bill increased.
11. spent valentine's day alone, but with mike.
12. lost did not return.
13. one tree hill did not return.
14. gained at least 10 lbs.
15. spent too much time feeling sorry for myself.
so, 2007.. you have really way more cons than pros. seriously. you brought me a lot of heartache and loneliness. one could argue that i brought those things upon myself, but really, you were just a sucky, sucky year. the suckiest year of my whole life. 1995 was pretty bad too, but at least i was thin and there was some sexual activity.
maybe i needed you, 2007, to grow as a human. i feel it fitting that i am sitting alone in my apartment for yr departure. i have learned to love being alone. i'm good at it. turns out all i really need are some friends, namely jan, and my gorgeous cat.
so good riddance 2007. i welcome 2008 with open arms. i'm strangely excited for it's arrival. i will start a new journal tomorrow. i will learn to budget better and save money. i'm healthy. and there is potential with a man that i respect and admire. i'm counting on 2008 to be my best year yet. and even if it isn't, it can't be worse than 2007.
goodbye. and as i said, good riddance!
with these drinks, i plan to collapse and forget this wasted year.. this wasted year
bright eyes
bright eyes
ok so maybe the lyrics don't totally go with what i'm gonna write about. but they sum up my feelings about 2007. i will write a letter to 2007 soon. but right now, i have a boy to talk about. the letter can wait until 2007 is almost dead.
so i'm really happy, as stated earlier. here's what happened: i got to nj at like 530, i was late due to intense nyc traffic that i wanted to stab because all i wanted was to see steve. but anyway, finally got there. we ordered dinner from a pizza place a few blocks away, then we went to pick it up. came back and listened to music while eating our food. we listened to some more music, finding out that we both love "careless whisper" by wham and "take my breath away" by berlin. so he put "careless whisper" on and played guitar while i sang. it was adorable. then we watched once. of course, being that i'm a sap, i cried about an hour into it. he got me the tissues and then held my hand. i almost died. since once is a quasi-musical, he decided we should have sharing musicals we love night instead of watching vanilla sky. so he chose to watch hedwig and the angry inch. we watched that. he gave me a shiatzu hand massage. after the movie, i gave him one. i didn't take my hands away. he didn't take his hands away. he leaned into me, crumpling into my chest and i put my head on his head while stroking the back of his neck. then he kissed me. it was intense. he's easily the best kisser i've ever had the pleasure of kissing, and i've kissed a lot of people. it was 1:15am, and he said, "we can't possibly have you driving home at this hour" so of course i agreed and i stayed the night. he said, "i want to make love to you so badly, but i don't." and so we didn't. which i am happy about, because i'd have just gone along with it, and then felt used and crappy and miserable. so we laid together, talking. i asked him about why he didn't want to and he said it was because he wasn't sure if he could do the emotional commitment that comes along with it at this point. so. i don't know if that means he doesn't know, or he does know and he can't. i let it go. we talked about grad school, and i said "you had to know i had a major crush on you for two years" and he was like "really? i might have had a clue" but he was smiling and i told him i am so transparent, he had to know and he admitted he did. and i told him i hated him then, and he asked if it was because he was seeing someone. i said yes, and that he had withheld that information for like 2 months. he said "why do you think i might have done that?" and i played coy right back, until he finally admitted that he had been into me as well. which made me die a little, in a good way. we also talked about how all of this was happening for the first time for him since he's been sober, and he needs to re-learn a lot of things, like having someone in his bed with him. i definitely understand all of this. and i'm ok with it. i told him it's quite possible that he's the sexiest man on the planet. we finally went to sleep, he put my arms around him and it made me feel so nice. we woke up a bunch of times and he always took my hand and put it back on his chest and held my other hand.
so we woke up at 8:15, and he's like "it's 8:15! time to get up!" over and over, and it was so cute. he was laying on top of me, saying "i'm the human blanket!" like a 5 year old and it was totally adorable. so we cuddled for like 45 minutes, and then we were fooling around again. he kissed me even though we were all gross dragon breath people, which actually no dude has ever done before. which sort of meant a lot to me. but anyway, we finally got up at 10, we got dressed, he put on coffee and we walked across the street to get the times. he said he wouldn't share the puzzle. i said that was ok. so we went back to his apartment, ate cinnamon rolls, drank coffee. he looked through the paper. i took the travel section, he took the puzzle. after a little, i laid with him. he was doing the puzzle over my head, periodically checking on what i was reading. it was easily the cutest thing ever. i could really spend every sunday morning doing just that. when he got tired of the puzzle and i finished the travel section, i said he could kick me out if he was tired of me, and he said "no" and hugged me. so we watched vanilla sky. i laid at one end of the couch, he laid at the other. he was cuddling my feet. it was adorable. after the movie we fooled around some more and it was really good. he shared a lot with me, which i felt was really very good and i'm happy that he was able to be open and honest about a lot of things. but after, he just sort of got up and got dressed, and went to smoke a cigarette and defrost a bagel. so i laid there for a minute, and then i got up and got dressed. i went out to the living room, smoked a cigarette, and i just felt weird and sort of empty about how he had just gotten up and stuff.. and then he was like "well, i'm gonna get you on yr way before i start this process.. you know, you have to pour the milk [for cereal] just right, and butter the bagel just right" which was also weird. so i said "yah, i was gonna get going." and i packed up my things, and put on my shoes. he walked me to my car, and he kissed me and hugged me. i guess he could tell i was distant, and he asked if i was ok. i said i was great, just tired. not sure if he bought it, but he let it be. he kissed me again, and i left. it took me for-fucking-ever to get home because there was an accident on the queensboro bridge, and he texted me like 2 hours after i left to make sure i was ok since i hadn't texted him yet. i texted him when i got home, saying "home! i had a nice time with you this weekend. do it again soon?" and he replied immediately "sure. i had a nice time too. most weekends are good for me, so we'll figure out another time soon." so i said "ok! have a good night. sorry i kept you from sleep!" and he replied "not a problem. was well worth it. goodnight." sooooo. i don't know.
the plan is this: i'm going to see if he wants to come over next weekend. if he doesn't, i will not take it personally, as he is definitely working on self-recovery and i do not need to smother him. but after the next time we hang out, assuming we do this whole semi- naked stuff again, i will be honest with him in a very non-confrontational way. i have discussed this with jan. she thinks it's a good plan. this is what i will say: "i don't want you to think that i am making more of this than what it is. i definitely heard what you said about not knowing if you could make the emotional commitment and i totally get that. but i like you, and what i need to know is, is this what it is, or does this have potential for growth?" basically, all i want to know is if "i don't know if i am able to make the emotional commitment" means i don't know or i know i can't. i think that is fair and shows that i get it. plus he is really open to talking about things, in fact there were many times when he said he prefers to talk about things and get them in the open. i guess it's part of the program. but i need to know this before it goes on and on, and i get too emotionally invested in things.
i really like him. the part of me that doubts my self worth is screaming "you should be so lucky to have a guy that is so smart, fun, and gorgeous be interested in you. you have nothing to offer him." the rational part of me is quietly saying "he admitted he liked you in grad school. he made the first move, and continued to make moves after he said that he didn't know about the emotional commitment. he was definitely into you. you had a wonderful time together. just take things slowly." so.. i don't know. it's a battle in my head, and i'm ok with it. there is always a battle for me. and with my track record, it makes sense. i would really be the luckiest girl on earth if this were to grow into something serious. i think we would be good for each other, me good for him because i'm ridiculously supportive and because i could live the rest of my life without having another drink, and he good for me because he's just amazing and smart and all that. obviously i was right about us having a connection 5 years ago, and we obviously still have that connection now. it's all about timing. but he admitted to me that he hadn't had a girl stay over since he's been sober. he was willing to take a chance on me, and i can't imagine it was easy for him. i perceive him to be a truly good guy, sensitive and caring. i don't think he would take advantage of me. or my emotions. he just doesn't seem the type. and with what he is dealing with, it doesn't make sense.
so that is it. i'm not over-thinking this. i'm being rational. even jan said she saw a huge change in the way i was handling things. yes i would be upset if he said that he didn't think there was potential for growth.. but i'm not too invested yet and i think it's important for me to just know where i stand. especially coming off of tom, who was playing games with me without a legitimate excuse. jan said i could even bring that up, just to make it clear that i'm not pushing, just don't want to get stuck in another situation that actions put me in a place that's too hard to get out of.
so i'm going to go do a crossword for a while before i publish my last post of 2007. that letter i talked about earlier, which i will post at 11:59pm. later.
so i'm really happy, as stated earlier. here's what happened: i got to nj at like 530, i was late due to intense nyc traffic that i wanted to stab because all i wanted was to see steve. but anyway, finally got there. we ordered dinner from a pizza place a few blocks away, then we went to pick it up. came back and listened to music while eating our food. we listened to some more music, finding out that we both love "careless whisper" by wham and "take my breath away" by berlin. so he put "careless whisper" on and played guitar while i sang. it was adorable. then we watched once. of course, being that i'm a sap, i cried about an hour into it. he got me the tissues and then held my hand. i almost died. since once is a quasi-musical, he decided we should have sharing musicals we love night instead of watching vanilla sky. so he chose to watch hedwig and the angry inch. we watched that. he gave me a shiatzu hand massage. after the movie, i gave him one. i didn't take my hands away. he didn't take his hands away. he leaned into me, crumpling into my chest and i put my head on his head while stroking the back of his neck. then he kissed me. it was intense. he's easily the best kisser i've ever had the pleasure of kissing, and i've kissed a lot of people. it was 1:15am, and he said, "we can't possibly have you driving home at this hour" so of course i agreed and i stayed the night. he said, "i want to make love to you so badly, but i don't." and so we didn't. which i am happy about, because i'd have just gone along with it, and then felt used and crappy and miserable. so we laid together, talking. i asked him about why he didn't want to and he said it was because he wasn't sure if he could do the emotional commitment that comes along with it at this point. so. i don't know if that means he doesn't know, or he does know and he can't. i let it go. we talked about grad school, and i said "you had to know i had a major crush on you for two years" and he was like "really? i might have had a clue" but he was smiling and i told him i am so transparent, he had to know and he admitted he did. and i told him i hated him then, and he asked if it was because he was seeing someone. i said yes, and that he had withheld that information for like 2 months. he said "why do you think i might have done that?" and i played coy right back, until he finally admitted that he had been into me as well. which made me die a little, in a good way. we also talked about how all of this was happening for the first time for him since he's been sober, and he needs to re-learn a lot of things, like having someone in his bed with him. i definitely understand all of this. and i'm ok with it. i told him it's quite possible that he's the sexiest man on the planet. we finally went to sleep, he put my arms around him and it made me feel so nice. we woke up a bunch of times and he always took my hand and put it back on his chest and held my other hand.
so we woke up at 8:15, and he's like "it's 8:15! time to get up!" over and over, and it was so cute. he was laying on top of me, saying "i'm the human blanket!" like a 5 year old and it was totally adorable. so we cuddled for like 45 minutes, and then we were fooling around again. he kissed me even though we were all gross dragon breath people, which actually no dude has ever done before. which sort of meant a lot to me. but anyway, we finally got up at 10, we got dressed, he put on coffee and we walked across the street to get the times. he said he wouldn't share the puzzle. i said that was ok. so we went back to his apartment, ate cinnamon rolls, drank coffee. he looked through the paper. i took the travel section, he took the puzzle. after a little, i laid with him. he was doing the puzzle over my head, periodically checking on what i was reading. it was easily the cutest thing ever. i could really spend every sunday morning doing just that. when he got tired of the puzzle and i finished the travel section, i said he could kick me out if he was tired of me, and he said "no" and hugged me. so we watched vanilla sky. i laid at one end of the couch, he laid at the other. he was cuddling my feet. it was adorable. after the movie we fooled around some more and it was really good. he shared a lot with me, which i felt was really very good and i'm happy that he was able to be open and honest about a lot of things. but after, he just sort of got up and got dressed, and went to smoke a cigarette and defrost a bagel. so i laid there for a minute, and then i got up and got dressed. i went out to the living room, smoked a cigarette, and i just felt weird and sort of empty about how he had just gotten up and stuff.. and then he was like "well, i'm gonna get you on yr way before i start this process.. you know, you have to pour the milk [for cereal] just right, and butter the bagel just right" which was also weird. so i said "yah, i was gonna get going." and i packed up my things, and put on my shoes. he walked me to my car, and he kissed me and hugged me. i guess he could tell i was distant, and he asked if i was ok. i said i was great, just tired. not sure if he bought it, but he let it be. he kissed me again, and i left. it took me for-fucking-ever to get home because there was an accident on the queensboro bridge, and he texted me like 2 hours after i left to make sure i was ok since i hadn't texted him yet. i texted him when i got home, saying "home! i had a nice time with you this weekend. do it again soon?" and he replied immediately "sure. i had a nice time too. most weekends are good for me, so we'll figure out another time soon." so i said "ok! have a good night. sorry i kept you from sleep!" and he replied "not a problem. was well worth it. goodnight." sooooo. i don't know.
the plan is this: i'm going to see if he wants to come over next weekend. if he doesn't, i will not take it personally, as he is definitely working on self-recovery and i do not need to smother him. but after the next time we hang out, assuming we do this whole semi- naked stuff again, i will be honest with him in a very non-confrontational way. i have discussed this with jan. she thinks it's a good plan. this is what i will say: "i don't want you to think that i am making more of this than what it is. i definitely heard what you said about not knowing if you could make the emotional commitment and i totally get that. but i like you, and what i need to know is, is this what it is, or does this have potential for growth?" basically, all i want to know is if "i don't know if i am able to make the emotional commitment" means i don't know or i know i can't. i think that is fair and shows that i get it. plus he is really open to talking about things, in fact there were many times when he said he prefers to talk about things and get them in the open. i guess it's part of the program. but i need to know this before it goes on and on, and i get too emotionally invested in things.
i really like him. the part of me that doubts my self worth is screaming "you should be so lucky to have a guy that is so smart, fun, and gorgeous be interested in you. you have nothing to offer him." the rational part of me is quietly saying "he admitted he liked you in grad school. he made the first move, and continued to make moves after he said that he didn't know about the emotional commitment. he was definitely into you. you had a wonderful time together. just take things slowly." so.. i don't know. it's a battle in my head, and i'm ok with it. there is always a battle for me. and with my track record, it makes sense. i would really be the luckiest girl on earth if this were to grow into something serious. i think we would be good for each other, me good for him because i'm ridiculously supportive and because i could live the rest of my life without having another drink, and he good for me because he's just amazing and smart and all that. obviously i was right about us having a connection 5 years ago, and we obviously still have that connection now. it's all about timing. but he admitted to me that he hadn't had a girl stay over since he's been sober. he was willing to take a chance on me, and i can't imagine it was easy for him. i perceive him to be a truly good guy, sensitive and caring. i don't think he would take advantage of me. or my emotions. he just doesn't seem the type. and with what he is dealing with, it doesn't make sense.
so that is it. i'm not over-thinking this. i'm being rational. even jan said she saw a huge change in the way i was handling things. yes i would be upset if he said that he didn't think there was potential for growth.. but i'm not too invested yet and i think it's important for me to just know where i stand. especially coming off of tom, who was playing games with me without a legitimate excuse. jan said i could even bring that up, just to make it clear that i'm not pushing, just don't want to get stuck in another situation that actions put me in a place that's too hard to get out of.
so i'm going to go do a crossword for a while before i publish my last post of 2007. that letter i talked about earlier, which i will post at 11:59pm. later.
he kissed me. and what a glorious kisser he is. if i could have those kisses all the time, i would be the happiest girl on planet earth. ever. spent 26 hours with him, being ecstatic. i have so much more to say but right now i must cheer up jan with bookstore and tea.
i can't believe he kissed me. it's all a dream. i don't want to wake up.
i can't believe he kissed me. it's all a dream. i don't want to wake up.
Saturday, December 29, 2007
so kasha has this ball. when it was new, it was a purple fur covered ball with a white feather plume coming out of one side and a bell inside. it was soft and fuzzy. several months later, the feather is gone. she ate it. she loves to eat feathers. the soft purple fur is not soft, it's matted and sort of disgusting. and where the feather was, there is a hole. a big hole. the bell doesn't make it's bell noise anymore, it just sort of rattles around. she loves it more than anything. maybe more than she loves me. i find it all over the apartment: in her food bowl, in her litter box, in my bed, in the shower. mostly it's under things, where it remains for weeks at a time. i recently recovered her ball from under my desk, where it had laid in hiding for upwards of a month. it's been around for about a week now, her favorite thing. she runs around the apartment with it in her mouth, growling. she puts it in her cardboard box and jumps in after it. she deposits it on me while i lay on the couch and then bats at it from the back of the couch. she drops it at my feet. a second ago, she came running to me with it in her mouth, meowing. i have replaced the ball with other balls of the same exact make and model. they lay around the apartment in pristine condition. she wants nothing to do with them. she wants HER BALL. while her ball was missing, however, she began the process of kashaizing a new one. the feather is half-eaten. the fur is still in tact. but once i found her ball, it was neglected again. watching her play with her ball brings me more joy than anything else ever has. i sit and smile, watching her throw it behind my dresser, watching her bat at it in her box, watching her run around with it in her mouth. my cat is the most precious creature on the face of the planet. i love her more than i think is humanly possible to love anything ever. i don't think i will ever love a man as much as i love her, my kasha, my monster. and i'm ok with that. i could die alone as long as i have my baby monster.
and that is the truth. the whole truth. she has my heart. my whole heart. she is the embodiment of all i will ever love in the universe. it is all i can do to not kiss her as often as possible. when i think about leaving her alone to go to jersey in 13 hours, i feel guilty. like she should be coming with me everywhere. like i am an incomplete person without her.
i will never love anything or anyone as much as i love my monster. never. never. never...
and that is the truth. the whole truth. she has my heart. my whole heart. she is the embodiment of all i will ever love in the universe. it is all i can do to not kiss her as often as possible. when i think about leaving her alone to go to jersey in 13 hours, i feel guilty. like she should be coming with me everywhere. like i am an incomplete person without her.
i will never love anything or anyone as much as i love my monster. never. never. never...
still exploding with nerves. can't wait to see him. smell him. sit with him. laugh with him. just be there. jan said to pack extra undies. i think she's being too hopeful.but that's ok. someone needs to be since i am a crazy stupid girl.
ok. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. seeing the man of my dreams tomorrow!!! seeing the man of my DREAMMSSSSS!!!
3 more hours until i can sleep. i can't wait to sleep. i can't wait to wake up at 2pm tomorrow. i can't wait to get in my car. i can't wait to park my car on a jersey street. i can't waaaaaaaait!!!
ok. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. seeing the man of my dreams tomorrow!!! seeing the man of my DREAMMSSSSS!!!
3 more hours until i can sleep. i can't wait to sleep. i can't wait to wake up at 2pm tomorrow. i can't wait to get in my car. i can't wait to park my car on a jersey street. i can't waaaaaaaait!!!
Friday, December 28, 2007
aaahhh!!! tomorrow!!! in 18.5 hours i will be with stephan. probably nothing will happen. but i'm nervous and excited and a thousand other things all in once. i'm freaking out. i made a tupperware of cookies to bring. i am bringing my stupid would you rather book for giggles. i can't wait! i'm soooo freaking out though! aaaaahhhh!!! i don't know what my deal is. i need to just be ok with this, be cool. i just want this boy. and the anticipation is killing me. i wonder if it's killing him. i wonder if he's planning what he'll wear. argh. he'll probably just get up tomorrow morning and go through the motions of his day without thinking about what will happen that night. he's probably just expecting that we'll order some food, watch some movies.. maybe listen to some music. just be like it was the other time. but i want him so bad and i want him to want me.
next time we hang out, i will be inviting him over for karaoke. i know he likes to sing. it will be a great reason to have him over here, and it will give me more time to get my apartment to be clean and nice instead of a dismal mess.
i have been planning what i will wear all week. i'm going to wear my red shirt. not that you know this shirt. i always get compliments on it, from people i know, from strangers. it's very common. it's a cute shirt, it has pockets! and it's nice but not too nice. he always looks nice. collared shirts. i wonder if he'll be wearing one tomorrow. he always looks so put together. so adorable. so amazing. anyway, i will wear a tank top underneath because the one i have in mind gives my boobs some extra oomph! jeans. new underwear, black of course. red sneakers. this is the plan.
i'm really cold. this is normal, since i have the door open all the time. damn cigarettes. my apartment reeks lately. i haven't burned incense in a while, not since i stopped smoking pot. maybe i should just burn it for the fuck of it since now my apartment smells like cigs all the time. oh, i can't forget to pack my lavender and sage candles for steve!
my insides are a disaster, but i kind of love this feeling. let's not let it be for naught. i'm hoping beyond hope......
next time we hang out, i will be inviting him over for karaoke. i know he likes to sing. it will be a great reason to have him over here, and it will give me more time to get my apartment to be clean and nice instead of a dismal mess.
i have been planning what i will wear all week. i'm going to wear my red shirt. not that you know this shirt. i always get compliments on it, from people i know, from strangers. it's very common. it's a cute shirt, it has pockets! and it's nice but not too nice. he always looks nice. collared shirts. i wonder if he'll be wearing one tomorrow. he always looks so put together. so adorable. so amazing. anyway, i will wear a tank top underneath because the one i have in mind gives my boobs some extra oomph! jeans. new underwear, black of course. red sneakers. this is the plan.
i'm really cold. this is normal, since i have the door open all the time. damn cigarettes. my apartment reeks lately. i haven't burned incense in a while, not since i stopped smoking pot. maybe i should just burn it for the fuck of it since now my apartment smells like cigs all the time. oh, i can't forget to pack my lavender and sage candles for steve!
my insides are a disaster, but i kind of love this feeling. let's not let it be for naught. i'm hoping beyond hope......
Thursday, December 27, 2007
we have plans on saturday night! saturday night! satttuuuurrdayyy night!!!! ok, so it's not new years, but still. i'm excited. he wants me to come over at 5, we'll order food and watch the movies. i can't wait. i want something great to happen. i want this to be it. i don't want to look anymore. i just want to be settled and happy. and he's perfect.. so smart, so handsome, so.. so perfect! he's sensitive and he gets me and it would just be so awesome. i would be so ecstatic. i think i would walk on clouds for the duration of my life.
i can't talk about this right now because i can't build him up in my brain any more than i already have.
i can't talk about this right now because i can't build him up in my brain any more than i already have.
nothing from the boy today. so sad. did get a text from tom, but that's pretty blah to me these days. he was at the nets game. went on that date, and, as i suspected, no spark. he'd like to see me again. i have to finesse it somehow to seem nice, yet letting him know that it's not fucking likely.
i have nothing to report. i should be sleeping, i have to get up early tomorrow so i can bring my car in for service at 8. boring boring. hanging out with katie tomorrow, that's somewhat exciting. rescheduled tv night with mike for friday.
i really hope i hear from stephan tomorrow. first of all, i'd really just like to know when we're getting together so i can start getting psyched. i could call him, claiming i have potential saturday night plans and needing to choose a day so i can make said fake plans or not. meh. i'd rather he call me. but secondly, i'd like to make these plans without having to worry about him calling when mike is here. since i really like to be discreet about my crushes these days. you know, not to the potential people who might read this, but rather to michael. cos i'm crazy like that. if he calls me friday night i won't answer and i will have to call him back. maybe he'll just text me. i wonder if he got my christmas card today.
today, or maybe last night, i realized that i fixate on dudes. i was fixated on joe. i was fixated on tom. i am now fixated on stephan. this is probably unhealthy. i was watching law & order earlier and olivet was talking about this girl who was promiscuous due to her fear of rejection and her need to have a male figure in her life due to her parents divorce when she was 6 years old. so, basically, i really need to get back into therapy. i mean, seriously. i have to work out these issues. i am not promiscuous anymore, not at all. i'm actually pretty guarded about my body these days.. but i don't know. i think i fixate on these guys because i don't want to be alone anymore and i'm starting to freak out about the potential of dying alone. i'm almost 28. i know what i want, but i can't seem to find someone i want who also wants me. tom has feelings for me, but is unsure about the strength of those feelings. that doesn't help me on my quest to be loved. i definitely feel a strong connection with steve, but it could mean nothing. i wish i could read minds. then i could really figure him out. i guess if nothing happens again when i see him, then it means nothing. it's just a connection. i'm conflicted because i want to believe that his netflixing of those movies so close to the last time we hung out means he wanted to see me again and there is something there. i mean, he did say "we'll do it again soon" but "soon" is subjective. it could have meant next month. but it meant within two weeks of the previous time. this is how things started with tom and i. but tom and i started by some heavy making out the first time we saw each other in over 4 years. steve and i just hung out two days in a row and talked. plus he has that whole AA thing going on. i think about that, and how you are supposed to get a plant, then a pet, then a girlfriend. but this is real life. can you really spend like 2 years working on yrself, without getting involved with another human being? and i'm so safe. i don't drink! argh.
i am a little proud of myself because i didn't totally fixate on steve tonight, but then i was also on a date tonight.. i don't know. ok. i can't do this. bed.
i have nothing to report. i should be sleeping, i have to get up early tomorrow so i can bring my car in for service at 8. boring boring. hanging out with katie tomorrow, that's somewhat exciting. rescheduled tv night with mike for friday.
i really hope i hear from stephan tomorrow. first of all, i'd really just like to know when we're getting together so i can start getting psyched. i could call him, claiming i have potential saturday night plans and needing to choose a day so i can make said fake plans or not. meh. i'd rather he call me. but secondly, i'd like to make these plans without having to worry about him calling when mike is here. since i really like to be discreet about my crushes these days. you know, not to the potential people who might read this, but rather to michael. cos i'm crazy like that. if he calls me friday night i won't answer and i will have to call him back. maybe he'll just text me. i wonder if he got my christmas card today.
today, or maybe last night, i realized that i fixate on dudes. i was fixated on joe. i was fixated on tom. i am now fixated on stephan. this is probably unhealthy. i was watching law & order earlier and olivet was talking about this girl who was promiscuous due to her fear of rejection and her need to have a male figure in her life due to her parents divorce when she was 6 years old. so, basically, i really need to get back into therapy. i mean, seriously. i have to work out these issues. i am not promiscuous anymore, not at all. i'm actually pretty guarded about my body these days.. but i don't know. i think i fixate on these guys because i don't want to be alone anymore and i'm starting to freak out about the potential of dying alone. i'm almost 28. i know what i want, but i can't seem to find someone i want who also wants me. tom has feelings for me, but is unsure about the strength of those feelings. that doesn't help me on my quest to be loved. i definitely feel a strong connection with steve, but it could mean nothing. i wish i could read minds. then i could really figure him out. i guess if nothing happens again when i see him, then it means nothing. it's just a connection. i'm conflicted because i want to believe that his netflixing of those movies so close to the last time we hung out means he wanted to see me again and there is something there. i mean, he did say "we'll do it again soon" but "soon" is subjective. it could have meant next month. but it meant within two weeks of the previous time. this is how things started with tom and i. but tom and i started by some heavy making out the first time we saw each other in over 4 years. steve and i just hung out two days in a row and talked. plus he has that whole AA thing going on. i think about that, and how you are supposed to get a plant, then a pet, then a girlfriend. but this is real life. can you really spend like 2 years working on yrself, without getting involved with another human being? and i'm so safe. i don't drink! argh.
i am a little proud of myself because i didn't totally fixate on steve tonight, but then i was also on a date tonight.. i don't know. ok. i can't do this. bed.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
i had a song i wanted to use, but i forget.
merry christmas, by the way!!!
ok, so.. i'm so excited. i keep saying this. i'm just really happy. like genuinely, purely happy. i have motivation and energy. it's not like i can get up in the morning, don't go that far! but i've been cleaning my apartment, i've just had a lot of crazy energy. i feel all wound up. i'm really not used to this, but i'm excited about it. maybe it's finally my time to get something i want... i am NOT getting my hopes up. that would be stupid. but still.
i texted stephan today to say merry christmas and we texted sporadically throughout the day. the best was the last one he sent.. because it said "talk to you later." i don't know why that made me so happy, but it did. i wonder when the movies are going to come!! they better come by friday! we have our plans tentatively scheduled for saturday or monday. i think i've already discussed this. but today is tuesday. so that means i have between 4 and 6 more days to wait!!! i can do this. i already have huge amounts of anxiety. ryan says i should just tell him what's on my mind. that's way too much for me, though. i really need to take this as it comes. if something happens, that's great. but if not, then it won't be the end of the world. i showed my sister-in-law his picture and she said she could totally see us together. see, he's perfect for me! buttttt.. i don't know. i can't get my hopes up. regardless how intensely i feel, i can't let it get to me. i already did for a year. he was all i thought about for like a good 9 months. and then another year and a half after that, but during that time i was occupied by joe. i have a history of having intense feelings for unattainable men, so it would make sense for this to follow in those exact footsteps. but. i don't know. he has never texted me of his own volition. maybe i need to just realize that it's friendship. maybe he's just not a random texter like i am. i have no idea.
i've been really good about tom lately. he and i have barely spoken. he sent me a merry xmas text today but that's it. however, i did fail and buy him a book on the mole people which i mailed to him yesterday. he should get it tomorrow or thursday. i don't know. i definitely still care about him, but i have to let go. and i really am.. a friend can send a friend gift, right? i'm always thinking of everyone. i also bought these lavender and sage tea light candles with the intention of giving some of them to steve because he told me he loves the smell of lavender. so that proves that i'm thinking of other dudes. meh!
anyway. christmas eve and christmas were good. last night i went to my mom's house and we decorated the tree had dinner, and exchanged gifts. my brother didn't get me anything, which i thought was somewhat uncool, but whatever. his wife makes all the decisions. but i got some cds, some shirts, some books (one has a main character named stephEn jones!! irony!!!), perfume, thats 70s show season one, and some little things from my mom. jay got me this awesome tea pot. it's see-through glass and it comes with these tea ball things that when you put the hot water in, it opens into a flower. very cool! so i slept at my mom's house with my baby cat. she had a good time playing with yoda also so that was fun watching them play! i woke up this morning and we had breakfast. i lazed around for a while, and then i went over to my dad's. since the sibs decided we were doing secret santa this year, my dad and i exchanged alone today. it made me really happy that he kept my traditions while also allowing the sibs to save their precious money. anyway, my dad got me the once dvd (YAY!! but i can't watch it before i watch it with steve!!), a cd, that 70s show season 2, a forever21 gift card, a book, and a vacuum. i am SO PSYCHED about the vacuum. i am SO vacuuming my apartment tomorrow. i'm going to move all the chairs and finally get the litter out of the carpet! so awesome. it has many facets and i'm very happy about it. so i had dinner over there, a nice lasagna. it was a good day. had to listen to kasha SCREAMING in the car all the way home, but it was bearable.
kasha is sleeping on top of the cabinets in the kitchen. i keep calling her, but she isn't coming. this makes me sad. i want her here NOW.
i'm really babbling right now. i'm a babble head! i have that date tomorrow, with kings park guy. i'm not too psyched. i already know there is no potential for a future. i don't even know why i'm doing this. well yes i do, it's to just get out there. but my eggs are all in another basket, and that basket lives across two rivers. i figure it will be easier for me to meet him and say there was no spark than it would be for me to shrug him off after talking for several weeks.
saturday or monday!! i can't wait to find out which so i can focus all of my energy on that. i want to bring cookies. well, if he comes here i won't have to bring anything. i don't know what the plan is. definitely if we decide on monday i am going to go there. it makes more sense. i can leave my apartment at like 1 and take several hours to get there since the city it going to be a fucking madhouse. he has to work all day monday, so if he were to leave work at 4:30, head home to like change or whatnot (as i don't imagine he would be coming over in a suit!), and then come here, he would be leaving at rush hour on new year's eve. and last time i checked, the city was a fucking mob scene on new years what with times square being the place to be (WHY?). he logically wouldn't get here until like 8 or 9. so in that case, i would just go over to nj. if it were saturday, i would not care that the plan is. he can come here, i can go there. but i would really really rather go there on monday. spending new years with him would really be bliss for me.. i would bring cookies and some sparkling cider. omg i can't think about this because if he chooses saturday i will feel sad. it's not like i don't have it all planned in my head already, but eh. i don't need to talk about it..
ok i'm done babbling. i've been typing for like an hour. ok 40 minutes. but still. ok. goodnight!!!
merry christmas, by the way!!!
ok, so.. i'm so excited. i keep saying this. i'm just really happy. like genuinely, purely happy. i have motivation and energy. it's not like i can get up in the morning, don't go that far! but i've been cleaning my apartment, i've just had a lot of crazy energy. i feel all wound up. i'm really not used to this, but i'm excited about it. maybe it's finally my time to get something i want... i am NOT getting my hopes up. that would be stupid. but still.
i texted stephan today to say merry christmas and we texted sporadically throughout the day. the best was the last one he sent.. because it said "talk to you later." i don't know why that made me so happy, but it did. i wonder when the movies are going to come!! they better come by friday! we have our plans tentatively scheduled for saturday or monday. i think i've already discussed this. but today is tuesday. so that means i have between 4 and 6 more days to wait!!! i can do this. i already have huge amounts of anxiety. ryan says i should just tell him what's on my mind. that's way too much for me, though. i really need to take this as it comes. if something happens, that's great. but if not, then it won't be the end of the world. i showed my sister-in-law his picture and she said she could totally see us together. see, he's perfect for me! buttttt.. i don't know. i can't get my hopes up. regardless how intensely i feel, i can't let it get to me. i already did for a year. he was all i thought about for like a good 9 months. and then another year and a half after that, but during that time i was occupied by joe. i have a history of having intense feelings for unattainable men, so it would make sense for this to follow in those exact footsteps. but. i don't know. he has never texted me of his own volition. maybe i need to just realize that it's friendship. maybe he's just not a random texter like i am. i have no idea.
i've been really good about tom lately. he and i have barely spoken. he sent me a merry xmas text today but that's it. however, i did fail and buy him a book on the mole people which i mailed to him yesterday. he should get it tomorrow or thursday. i don't know. i definitely still care about him, but i have to let go. and i really am.. a friend can send a friend gift, right? i'm always thinking of everyone. i also bought these lavender and sage tea light candles with the intention of giving some of them to steve because he told me he loves the smell of lavender. so that proves that i'm thinking of other dudes. meh!
anyway. christmas eve and christmas were good. last night i went to my mom's house and we decorated the tree had dinner, and exchanged gifts. my brother didn't get me anything, which i thought was somewhat uncool, but whatever. his wife makes all the decisions. but i got some cds, some shirts, some books (one has a main character named stephEn jones!! irony!!!), perfume, thats 70s show season one, and some little things from my mom. jay got me this awesome tea pot. it's see-through glass and it comes with these tea ball things that when you put the hot water in, it opens into a flower. very cool! so i slept at my mom's house with my baby cat. she had a good time playing with yoda also so that was fun watching them play! i woke up this morning and we had breakfast. i lazed around for a while, and then i went over to my dad's. since the sibs decided we were doing secret santa this year, my dad and i exchanged alone today. it made me really happy that he kept my traditions while also allowing the sibs to save their precious money. anyway, my dad got me the once dvd (YAY!! but i can't watch it before i watch it with steve!!), a cd, that 70s show season 2, a forever21 gift card, a book, and a vacuum. i am SO PSYCHED about the vacuum. i am SO vacuuming my apartment tomorrow. i'm going to move all the chairs and finally get the litter out of the carpet! so awesome. it has many facets and i'm very happy about it. so i had dinner over there, a nice lasagna. it was a good day. had to listen to kasha SCREAMING in the car all the way home, but it was bearable.
kasha is sleeping on top of the cabinets in the kitchen. i keep calling her, but she isn't coming. this makes me sad. i want her here NOW.
i'm really babbling right now. i'm a babble head! i have that date tomorrow, with kings park guy. i'm not too psyched. i already know there is no potential for a future. i don't even know why i'm doing this. well yes i do, it's to just get out there. but my eggs are all in another basket, and that basket lives across two rivers. i figure it will be easier for me to meet him and say there was no spark than it would be for me to shrug him off after talking for several weeks.
saturday or monday!! i can't wait to find out which so i can focus all of my energy on that. i want to bring cookies. well, if he comes here i won't have to bring anything. i don't know what the plan is. definitely if we decide on monday i am going to go there. it makes more sense. i can leave my apartment at like 1 and take several hours to get there since the city it going to be a fucking madhouse. he has to work all day monday, so if he were to leave work at 4:30, head home to like change or whatnot (as i don't imagine he would be coming over in a suit!), and then come here, he would be leaving at rush hour on new year's eve. and last time i checked, the city was a fucking mob scene on new years what with times square being the place to be (WHY?). he logically wouldn't get here until like 8 or 9. so in that case, i would just go over to nj. if it were saturday, i would not care that the plan is. he can come here, i can go there. but i would really really rather go there on monday. spending new years with him would really be bliss for me.. i would bring cookies and some sparkling cider. omg i can't think about this because if he chooses saturday i will feel sad. it's not like i don't have it all planned in my head already, but eh. i don't need to talk about it..
ok i'm done babbling. i've been typing for like an hour. ok 40 minutes. but still. ok. goodnight!!!
Monday, December 24, 2007
i'm actually going crazy right now. i keep telling myself to stop thinking about this boy but it's actually impossible. i don't have one thought, i have hundreds. i think back to last weekend and replay specific moments. i think ahead to next weekend and imagine potential scenarios. i imagine us watching once and then i turn to him and i'm like "what did you think???" and it spring-boarding into a monster conversation like the one tom and i had after we watched it. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i think about the moments we shared last weekend. i can't make any sense of it. i want to. i want the sense to be what i want the sense to be. i want the sense to be that we have this amazing connection, there's an intense spark. i want for that to be truth and not fiction. so many shared moments in grad school. all those classes, planning our schedules together. all the drinks, the dinner, the sharing of work and editing each others work. he's so smart, he's so smart. i valued his opinion of my work over anyone else's. it was all that mattered. i needed his approval on my thoughts and my work. i admired him. i still admire him. the way he stares into you like he can see yr soul. the way he says all the right things at all the right times. the way his eyes glisten when he says "you HAVE to hear this." pulling out a thousand things for me to look at. movies, books, WWI artifacts, pieces of yr past, yr family, yr photos. yr history. i know that it's part of the healing, the sharing part. but i want to think it meant something greater. my heart is screaming. i imagine what life would be like with him. having academic conversations. political conversations. i imagine how adorable he would look in the morning. i imagine him getting up before me, making coffee. spending lazy sunday mornings in bed with the paper. doing crossword puzzles together. traveling. i imagine such great things. with tom, i couldn't imagine it being equal. i imagined myself taking care of him. making him tea. making him dinner. making him the center of my world. i never imagined us traveling, i never imagined him liking the things i would want to see. but talking to stephan last weekend, talking about the hugeness of nature, the volcanoes, the mountains, the desert. he wanted to see that. i want to see it again. i want to see the world. i want to see it with him. i don't know anything anymore. is anyone ever going to be truly right for me?
katie and i had a long conversation on friday night. she told me about her pyramid theory. that there could be a pyramid of people that are right for you. and i like it. a hierarchy of rightness. there is one person who is most right for you. below that could be two very right people, but not the most right. three below that. and so on. and i like it, i do. but who is right? is tom right? he's cuddly. he's cute. he needs me to take care of him. we have so much in common. we want to do things together, the same things. we like the same music. we would have a nice life, it would be loving and safe and all of the things you would want in a life. but then there's stephan. we like different things, but we also like the same things. we get each other. i understand what he's saying when it's important. he gets what i'm saying when i think i'm not making sense. he looks at me like he gets me. but what does it mean? what does anything mean? i'm becoming so jaded. i'm so afraid of life and love and falling in love again. on one hand i'm super excited for the prospect of the potential to fall in love with this boy. but for what? to have my heart ripped out again? all i need is to have my heart shattered again right as i am healing. maybe i should distance myself. put some space between myself and the feelings i either have or am manufacturing for this boy.
i can't think about this anymore.
katie and i had a long conversation on friday night. she told me about her pyramid theory. that there could be a pyramid of people that are right for you. and i like it. a hierarchy of rightness. there is one person who is most right for you. below that could be two very right people, but not the most right. three below that. and so on. and i like it, i do. but who is right? is tom right? he's cuddly. he's cute. he needs me to take care of him. we have so much in common. we want to do things together, the same things. we like the same music. we would have a nice life, it would be loving and safe and all of the things you would want in a life. but then there's stephan. we like different things, but we also like the same things. we get each other. i understand what he's saying when it's important. he gets what i'm saying when i think i'm not making sense. he looks at me like he gets me. but what does it mean? what does anything mean? i'm becoming so jaded. i'm so afraid of life and love and falling in love again. on one hand i'm super excited for the prospect of the potential to fall in love with this boy. but for what? to have my heart ripped out again? all i need is to have my heart shattered again right as i am healing. maybe i should distance myself. put some space between myself and the feelings i either have or am manufacturing for this boy.
i can't think about this anymore.
Sunday, December 23, 2007
yr so gorgeous i'd do anything. kiss you from yr feet to where yr head begins. yr so perfect, yr so right as rain.. you make me make me make me make me hungry again
the cure
right now i am so excited i'm sort of jumping out of my skin. this morning i texted steve bc i remembered to look in helter skelter to see if it was brian wilson who used to hang out with charles manson. it was dennis wilson. so anyway, i texted him to tell him, and he told me he netflixed the movies (once and vanilla sky) and they should arrive late this week. YAY. so we have tentative plans for saturday or monday. i want saturday because it's sooner, but i want monday because it's new years and that's sort of romantic and we might kisssssss!!!
oh my oh my oh my. i don't even care about tom. he can be screwing a thousand girls right now. i don't care. all i want is for something good to come out of the reconnection with steve. because he's amazing and awesome and a whole lot of other adjectives that are positive. ugh he probably just enjoys my company, likes me as a friend. but i want him to want me. i want him to like me. i have no idea what's going to happen when i see him. i intend to have some cookies or something. if he comes over here, then that would be cool but i would have to rearrange my furniture. watching movies with boys i'm uncertain about does not work with the current set up. someone would have to sit on the big chair. and i wanna be next to him. like right next to him. maybe i should just go to his place. he might wanna come chill with my baby cat though. he's a cat person like me!!!
i can't even think straight. it's either 7 days or 9 days. way too many. it's been 6 since sunday. i need to see him. i need to figure this out. aaahahahhhaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!
the cure
right now i am so excited i'm sort of jumping out of my skin. this morning i texted steve bc i remembered to look in helter skelter to see if it was brian wilson who used to hang out with charles manson. it was dennis wilson. so anyway, i texted him to tell him, and he told me he netflixed the movies (once and vanilla sky) and they should arrive late this week. YAY. so we have tentative plans for saturday or monday. i want saturday because it's sooner, but i want monday because it's new years and that's sort of romantic and we might kisssssss!!!
oh my oh my oh my. i don't even care about tom. he can be screwing a thousand girls right now. i don't care. all i want is for something good to come out of the reconnection with steve. because he's amazing and awesome and a whole lot of other adjectives that are positive. ugh he probably just enjoys my company, likes me as a friend. but i want him to want me. i want him to like me. i have no idea what's going to happen when i see him. i intend to have some cookies or something. if he comes over here, then that would be cool but i would have to rearrange my furniture. watching movies with boys i'm uncertain about does not work with the current set up. someone would have to sit on the big chair. and i wanna be next to him. like right next to him. maybe i should just go to his place. he might wanna come chill with my baby cat though. he's a cat person like me!!!
i can't even think straight. it's either 7 days or 9 days. way too many. it's been 6 since sunday. i need to see him. i need to figure this out. aaahahahhhaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!
i need my bed.
i can't stop thinking about this boy. wondering when i will hear from him again. wondering if he's thinking of me.
i'm obviously a disaster. but i'm so excited, and i have so much hope...
i can't stop thinking about this boy. wondering when i will hear from him again. wondering if he's thinking of me.
i'm obviously a disaster. but i'm so excited, and i have so much hope...
Thursday, December 20, 2007
so listen. i'm so happy. like, ecstatic. so so so happy.
i bet you want to know why. well, first, this morning i woke up and i was thinking not of tom. for the first time in as long as i can remember right now. i was dreaming of steve when i woke up. and then i thought about him all day. not great because i've substituted one boy for another, but i've substituted a boy with potential for a boy who needs to make out with as many girls as possible. second, i'm happy because today i texted steve. i texted him "heyyy. just saying hi! hope yr having a spectacular second week of work!" he took like 4 hours to respond so i had basically given up. then all the sudden he was like "hey! work is better this week.." and made some references to the movie we watched sunday which went over my head. then we were talking about xmas and he was randomly like "are there any movies you want to see? i can check on netflix. maybe we could watch one day" so i was really elated. i asked him if he has new years plans, he said he didn't but might do something AA related. so i said if he doesn't to let me know since i'll be hermiting. i really would love to see him for new years, but i'll really take what i can get. oh my oh my oh my. i'm gonna see stephan soon! i'm goooonnnnnaaaa seeeeee him sooooon!!!!!!!! AAAHHHH!!!
i bet you want to know why. well, first, this morning i woke up and i was thinking not of tom. for the first time in as long as i can remember right now. i was dreaming of steve when i woke up. and then i thought about him all day. not great because i've substituted one boy for another, but i've substituted a boy with potential for a boy who needs to make out with as many girls as possible. second, i'm happy because today i texted steve. i texted him "heyyy. just saying hi! hope yr having a spectacular second week of work!" he took like 4 hours to respond so i had basically given up. then all the sudden he was like "hey! work is better this week.." and made some references to the movie we watched sunday which went over my head. then we were talking about xmas and he was randomly like "are there any movies you want to see? i can check on netflix. maybe we could watch one day" so i was really elated. i asked him if he has new years plans, he said he didn't but might do something AA related. so i said if he doesn't to let me know since i'll be hermiting. i really would love to see him for new years, but i'll really take what i can get. oh my oh my oh my. i'm gonna see stephan soon! i'm goooonnnnnaaaa seeeeee him sooooon!!!!!!!! AAAHHHH!!!
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
i'm pretty excited about the fact that i did not really think much of tom today. i did not have ANY urge to text him. he can be out on a date with the girl he likes, and that would be fine with me. because i am thinking about steve. all the time. like constantly. and how hot he is. and how much he gets me. and those tattoos.... wowzers. i can't get enough of the image of him in my mind. all i think about is when is too soon to text him. or call. or see him again. i wish he would text me. but i doubt that will happen. he is as much of a loner as i am, and i could see not hearing from him forever. i really want to ask him if he wants to have super sober new years. movie marathon. i wonder how long his netflix queue is. i wonder how long it will take for vanilla sky to come in, seeing as he's had his current netflix movies for like a month. i want to go to jersey next week, use dionne as an excuse (she wants to hang out for some odd reason!). but i worry that i'll choose a bad day. and it'll be a work night for him. i want to have new years fun. i want it to be with steve. movie marathon new years. sober. potentially naked. ok not naked, i am not that fast anymore. but semi-naked would be ok with me! or fully clothed, but with kisses. i'm pro kisses. i'm pro steve. wow oh wow. i get so excited thinking about him. i want to explode. he's so hot. every little thing about him is hot.
he's really all i am thinking about. i see him in his kitchen, making coffee. i see him on the couch with his shirt riding up a little. i could see his underwear. my eyes kept wandering down to his waist. i wanted to touch them. i'm insane.
when can i see him again? when, when, when? when can i see him? when can i seeeeee him? it's going to be forever. if it's new years, thats like a week and a half. maybe before then. maybe i can work myself into his weekend. he can come over. hang out with my kitty. and me. me me me. can i see him? can he kiss me? i want that so bad. i waited so long in grad school.
what if something was there back then, and he was just too good a guy to act on it? what if there was something real and amazing, but the timing was off? i feel all the same things i felt 5 years ago when i see him now. i adore the way he gets so excited over playing records. vinyl records. the way he opened up to me, told me his story, bared all.
we sat inches from each other on the couch at his place. inches. he sat nearer to me. what if i had edged closer? what if my demeanor was too closed, because i kept to my designated couch spot? what if i needed to get closer, because he was unsure? what was that gaze, that hesitation as we ended the hug? was it desire? or was it just his intensity? i can't stop wondering. i have to see him again, and soon. i have to see him, and i have to give off some signals that would clue him in and make him want to kiss me.
i have to see him. i have to see him soon.
goodbye tom. hello steve.
he's really all i am thinking about. i see him in his kitchen, making coffee. i see him on the couch with his shirt riding up a little. i could see his underwear. my eyes kept wandering down to his waist. i wanted to touch them. i'm insane.
when can i see him again? when, when, when? when can i see him? when can i seeeeee him? it's going to be forever. if it's new years, thats like a week and a half. maybe before then. maybe i can work myself into his weekend. he can come over. hang out with my kitty. and me. me me me. can i see him? can he kiss me? i want that so bad. i waited so long in grad school.
what if something was there back then, and he was just too good a guy to act on it? what if there was something real and amazing, but the timing was off? i feel all the same things i felt 5 years ago when i see him now. i adore the way he gets so excited over playing records. vinyl records. the way he opened up to me, told me his story, bared all.
we sat inches from each other on the couch at his place. inches. he sat nearer to me. what if i had edged closer? what if my demeanor was too closed, because i kept to my designated couch spot? what if i needed to get closer, because he was unsure? what was that gaze, that hesitation as we ended the hug? was it desire? or was it just his intensity? i can't stop wondering. i have to see him again, and soon. i have to see him, and i have to give off some signals that would clue him in and make him want to kiss me.
i have to see him. i have to see him soon.
goodbye tom. hello steve.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
you said you could be my dream, i could have you every night and if by morning, i'd forgotten you, well no big deal, that'd be alright cos yr the reoccurring kind. you are the reoccurring kind.. you never really leave my mind. are you the love of my lifetime? cos there have been times i've had my doubts
...
you said go explore those other women, the geography of their bodies but there's just one map you'll need. yr a boomerang you'll see
you will return to me
bright eyes
...
you said go explore those other women, the geography of their bodies but there's just one map you'll need. yr a boomerang you'll see
you will return to me
bright eyes
this song basically sums up my tom thoughts. i had to omit things because i didn't feel like they fit what i wanted. i would be the "you" though. he would be the "i". he has his doubts about me being right for him. so ok fine. i'm done.
i guess there is some backstory. blah.
i want to be brief. i'm tired. i'm cranky. i'm flustered. but i have this thing called hope. so here goes the two tales that intertwined this weekend.....
i'll start with tom. i was 4 hours late to his place. we had plans for dinner and nets. i totally got caught up in another dude. more to come on that. i was nervous. i was scared. i gave him hugs. i kept my distance. i got nauseas on the PATH. i didn't know what to do. we got to maxwell's. you wanted me to take my hair down. you like it better that way. weston were so good. they didn't play long enough. i was drunk. tom was drunk. we left at 130. it was snowing. "kiss me once in the snow, i swear it never gets old." he was kissing me immediately. stopping and pushing me against street lamps. cars. waiting for the PATH and we're making out. i have no idea what i'm doing. i'm not drunk enough to not know better. on the train, he vomits. it was horrendous. i rubbed his back the whole time. i felt so bad. changing at journal square, yr pushing against me, i'm making erotic noises. you call me a tease (note my tense change!). on the PATH again, we're going through my journal, yr trying to read it while i go through quickly. you have yr hand under my shirt, under my coat. it's stealth, sort of hot. i continue to wonder what yr doing. yr vomiting has sobered me 100%. waiting for a taxi at harrison station. yr hugging me and leaning against me. the cab comes, you slump in my lap for a nap while i'm stroking yr hair. i swear this is love. at least it's love from me. i swear this shows you how much i adore you. we're back at yr place, we're in bed together. things are happening. we're making out. we stop and talk. i'm not happy. i tell you i had intended to come over and walk out of yr life. somehow that leads to more making out. and you want me so bad, you are BEGGING me for sex. i'm not giving in, i'm telling you i don't want you to regret me. i'm so firm on this for so long. i give in. it's not really real sex, it's like sex flirtation. no longer than 5 seconds each, 3 times. but 15 seconds counts. i don't know what i'm doing. you tell me you aren't drunk. we talk some more. you had intended to sleep on the couch should i have stayed the night. obviously this hasn't happened. i'm a mess. it's almost 7am and we sleep. it's 8am, you wake me up, yr going to the bathroom. yr hungover. yr back in bed, we're sleeping. it's 10am, you can't sleep anymore so yr waking me up. we fool around, we talk some more. yr begging me again and i don't give in. i tell you about steve (see below). yr clearly jealous. it doesn't change anything. we stay in bed til 1pm, talking, touching, being.. you have to shower. i make you tea. the cable guy is there. we go have lunch. my mood has soured. i'm fending off tears. i know i have to say goodbye. i don't think i can. we're back at yr place. i'm crying. i'm debating with you the usefulness of me being in yr life. you tell me that you wish we could just hang out without the sadness and tears. i tell you i wish we could just hang out without kissing. everything has changed. i don't know what possessed you to want to fuck me. you resisted for 8 months. and now here you are, begging. but for something meaningless. but i have to leave. i can't keep this up. it's late. i want to go. i want to go back to steve's. i need to leave. you walk me to my car, you clean off the snow while i shovel the tires out. i'm practically in tears. i drive you to yr car. we're sitting in my car, i'm crying. i tell you "no matter what happens, you will always have the largest piece of my heart." you won't let me leave. you are insisting this won't be goodbye. you are hugging me, you are kissing me. you look like you might cry. i say goodbye. you ask me if i'll text you during the nets game. i say i don't know. you won't get out of my car until i say yes. you hug me again, you kiss me some more. and you leave. you are walking away, looking back every few steps, waving as you turn the corner to yr car..... and i know it'll be a long time before our physical paths cross again.
last night i'm texting with dionne about what happened. she wishes she could punch you in the face and then give me a hug. she says yr manipulating me. you told her that we slept separately and nothing happened. you lied. because you are a liar. you have another date with the girl you liked this week. you also have a first date. so i text you that you used me. we argue via text message for 4 hours. i call you a typical guy. you argue that i'm more special to you than you are to me. that the feelings i have for you aren't unique. you are clearly jealous about steve because you bring him up 100 times, claiming it'll be no time before i'm in love with him, before i'm sleeping with him. it's intense, i tell you that this was the eye opener i needed to realize you are right, that i'm not the one for you. i articulate this several different ways and about 15 times. i don't think you like this. but i keep going on with it. you are still insisting that i was more special to you than you were to me. you apologize. you tell me i've successfully made you regret it. whatever though. after hours of arguing, i give up. i break down. i apologize. i tell you i just want you to be happy. that you'll find the right girl. someone that makes you happy. you says "it's not impossible that it would be you." we both said really hurtful things to each other. you said that you were so tired of my belittling yr feelings for me. that it's not a question of whether you like me, whether you care about me, whether you have feelings for me.. it's a question of the strength of those feelings. i get it. i just want you to be happy. you tell me you'll give me space, i can call or text you any time, but that i can take all the time i need. i tell you we can be friends. things are such a mess. i give up. i give up.
but my oh my, stephan jones is motherfucking hot.
before i started this blog 4 years ago, he was my obsession. i met him on the first day of grad school. he was gorgeous. he was brilliant. his eyes could see through to my soul. he had a girlfriend. i got over it when joe decided to start the head games with me again. but for almost a year i was enamored by this man. i thought he was the one without ever having kissed him. we shared so many intense moments....
i guess there is some backstory. blah.
i want to be brief. i'm tired. i'm cranky. i'm flustered. but i have this thing called hope. so here goes the two tales that intertwined this weekend.....
i'll start with tom. i was 4 hours late to his place. we had plans for dinner and nets. i totally got caught up in another dude. more to come on that. i was nervous. i was scared. i gave him hugs. i kept my distance. i got nauseas on the PATH. i didn't know what to do. we got to maxwell's. you wanted me to take my hair down. you like it better that way. weston were so good. they didn't play long enough. i was drunk. tom was drunk. we left at 130. it was snowing. "kiss me once in the snow, i swear it never gets old." he was kissing me immediately. stopping and pushing me against street lamps. cars. waiting for the PATH and we're making out. i have no idea what i'm doing. i'm not drunk enough to not know better. on the train, he vomits. it was horrendous. i rubbed his back the whole time. i felt so bad. changing at journal square, yr pushing against me, i'm making erotic noises. you call me a tease (note my tense change!). on the PATH again, we're going through my journal, yr trying to read it while i go through quickly. you have yr hand under my shirt, under my coat. it's stealth, sort of hot. i continue to wonder what yr doing. yr vomiting has sobered me 100%. waiting for a taxi at harrison station. yr hugging me and leaning against me. the cab comes, you slump in my lap for a nap while i'm stroking yr hair. i swear this is love. at least it's love from me. i swear this shows you how much i adore you. we're back at yr place, we're in bed together. things are happening. we're making out. we stop and talk. i'm not happy. i tell you i had intended to come over and walk out of yr life. somehow that leads to more making out. and you want me so bad, you are BEGGING me for sex. i'm not giving in, i'm telling you i don't want you to regret me. i'm so firm on this for so long. i give in. it's not really real sex, it's like sex flirtation. no longer than 5 seconds each, 3 times. but 15 seconds counts. i don't know what i'm doing. you tell me you aren't drunk. we talk some more. you had intended to sleep on the couch should i have stayed the night. obviously this hasn't happened. i'm a mess. it's almost 7am and we sleep. it's 8am, you wake me up, yr going to the bathroom. yr hungover. yr back in bed, we're sleeping. it's 10am, you can't sleep anymore so yr waking me up. we fool around, we talk some more. yr begging me again and i don't give in. i tell you about steve (see below). yr clearly jealous. it doesn't change anything. we stay in bed til 1pm, talking, touching, being.. you have to shower. i make you tea. the cable guy is there. we go have lunch. my mood has soured. i'm fending off tears. i know i have to say goodbye. i don't think i can. we're back at yr place. i'm crying. i'm debating with you the usefulness of me being in yr life. you tell me that you wish we could just hang out without the sadness and tears. i tell you i wish we could just hang out without kissing. everything has changed. i don't know what possessed you to want to fuck me. you resisted for 8 months. and now here you are, begging. but for something meaningless. but i have to leave. i can't keep this up. it's late. i want to go. i want to go back to steve's. i need to leave. you walk me to my car, you clean off the snow while i shovel the tires out. i'm practically in tears. i drive you to yr car. we're sitting in my car, i'm crying. i tell you "no matter what happens, you will always have the largest piece of my heart." you won't let me leave. you are insisting this won't be goodbye. you are hugging me, you are kissing me. you look like you might cry. i say goodbye. you ask me if i'll text you during the nets game. i say i don't know. you won't get out of my car until i say yes. you hug me again, you kiss me some more. and you leave. you are walking away, looking back every few steps, waving as you turn the corner to yr car..... and i know it'll be a long time before our physical paths cross again.
last night i'm texting with dionne about what happened. she wishes she could punch you in the face and then give me a hug. she says yr manipulating me. you told her that we slept separately and nothing happened. you lied. because you are a liar. you have another date with the girl you liked this week. you also have a first date. so i text you that you used me. we argue via text message for 4 hours. i call you a typical guy. you argue that i'm more special to you than you are to me. that the feelings i have for you aren't unique. you are clearly jealous about steve because you bring him up 100 times, claiming it'll be no time before i'm in love with him, before i'm sleeping with him. it's intense, i tell you that this was the eye opener i needed to realize you are right, that i'm not the one for you. i articulate this several different ways and about 15 times. i don't think you like this. but i keep going on with it. you are still insisting that i was more special to you than you were to me. you apologize. you tell me i've successfully made you regret it. whatever though. after hours of arguing, i give up. i break down. i apologize. i tell you i just want you to be happy. that you'll find the right girl. someone that makes you happy. you says "it's not impossible that it would be you." we both said really hurtful things to each other. you said that you were so tired of my belittling yr feelings for me. that it's not a question of whether you like me, whether you care about me, whether you have feelings for me.. it's a question of the strength of those feelings. i get it. i just want you to be happy. you tell me you'll give me space, i can call or text you any time, but that i can take all the time i need. i tell you we can be friends. things are such a mess. i give up. i give up.
but my oh my, stephan jones is motherfucking hot.
before i started this blog 4 years ago, he was my obsession. i met him on the first day of grad school. he was gorgeous. he was brilliant. his eyes could see through to my soul. he had a girlfriend. i got over it when joe decided to start the head games with me again. but for almost a year i was enamored by this man. i thought he was the one without ever having kissed him. we shared so many intense moments....
so saturday i left my apartment and headed to jersey. i hadn't seen steve in 3 years. i was nervous that we'd have nothing to talk about. i got to his apartment, which is ironically about 14 minutes from tom's condo, and he gave me a huge hug. he's got music on loud. he's so hot. i almost die. he made apple pie the other day, we eat it and drink coffee and talk about music. he plays about 20 records for me. he's so excited about them. he tells me about his life now. he's quit drinking. we bond over addiction. we're talking for hours, listening to records, drinking coffee.. we go through an illustrated copy of alice's adventures through the looking glass. we're sitting so close to each other. he smells like heaven. we go through a box of historical artifacts he has. i am so taken by the tokens he has in that box. i feel so close to him in that moment. i don't want to leave, but i'm so late to tom's. he tells me he has this WWI movie from netflix he's going to save to watch with me, that i'm welcome to come back after the show if i want. but by the time it's over, it's way too late. it's 1:23am when i text him that it's late, but maybe tomorrow? he says he'll just be lounging around with the newspaper, and i should get in touch. my heart almost explodes. the above drama takes place, and i call him again. he's just being lazy, and i head over. when i arrive with puffy eyes in the clothes i was wearing the day before, he's playing guitar. listening to the faces. i'm looking at him with adoration. we decide to watch the pope of greenwich village. he's sitting so close to me. i want his arm to graze mine. i want to kiss him. i want to kiss him so bad. but i don't. i don't make first moves. i can't handle rejection. the movie is over, and we're talking again. it's 8pm, we're drinking coffee and having amazing conversation. just talking and talking. i'm so into him. so so into him. but it's 9:30, it's icy out, and i have work in the morning. so i have to go. he walks me to my car, so cute. he puts on this zip up track jacket, and he looks hotter than any man i have ever laid eyes on. we're walking to my car, and there's ice. i grab his hand so neither of us fall. it's fucking intense. i don't want to let go. i offer to drive him to his car, he wants to scrape the ice off tonight so as not to have to in the morning. "lover i don't have to love" is on. my favorite lyric. i point it out... "you write such pretty words. but life's no storybook. love's an excuse to get hurt. and to hurt. do you like to hurt? i do, i do, then hurt meeeee". he says "it doesn't have to." i want him so bad. we hug goodnight, i say "i had a great time!" and he says "me too." we pull away from the hug and for a moment i swear i see that same desire in his eyes. i should be so lucky. he tells me he's adding vanilla sky to the netflix queue so we can watch it together. i tell him i want to see mulholland drive also. i tell him he's always welcome to come hang out with me and my cat. and that i'd be happy to come by whenever. he wants me to text him when i get home. i do. i say "thanks again for a great night!" and he replies "we'll do it again soon." i can't wait for soon to come. i want soon to be now. i know it will be a while. i'm contemplating asking him if he wants to have a super sober new year's with me. he probably has plans. i'll ask anyway. i want to see him whenever i can.
when he talks to you, he has this stare. it penetrates yr whole being. he sees into yr soul. he's easily the most entrancing human being i have ever met in my whole entire life.
so i came home from work today and i pulled out my old journals. one is totally filled with my desire for him. we shared so many intense moments in graduate school. it makes me doubt that there is anything there now. maybe there was something there then, but he had that girlfriend. maybe there is nothing there, he just has this intense personality that makes it seem like there is something. argh. i can't stand not knowing. i just want to hang out more. have more opportunities for kissing. i want him to kiss me. i want the sparks to fly. i want to be over tom and onto steve. the only other dude i ever thought was the right one for me. i don't care that he's got issues with alcohol. i'd love to love that man. if steve was my boyfriend, *i* would be jealous of me. he gets me. i get him. and he's fucking beautiful. sigh.
so i don't know. the ones i want never want me. and i should really know better because, really, it's just like... if he'd ever wanted me, he'd have wanted me in grad school. timing matters. but after reading about all of the intense moments we shared, i have less hope that anything will come of this.
it frustrates me that when i have feelings for boys, it's hopeless adoration. i see something like .... i don't know. i see something in his eyes. i do. but like i said, it could just be his intensity. i don't know. i have no idea. i want him bad. i'd kill for just one kiss. i can't wait to see him again. how soon can soon be here?
when he talks to you, he has this stare. it penetrates yr whole being. he sees into yr soul. he's easily the most entrancing human being i have ever met in my whole entire life.
so i came home from work today and i pulled out my old journals. one is totally filled with my desire for him. we shared so many intense moments in graduate school. it makes me doubt that there is anything there now. maybe there was something there then, but he had that girlfriend. maybe there is nothing there, he just has this intense personality that makes it seem like there is something. argh. i can't stand not knowing. i just want to hang out more. have more opportunities for kissing. i want him to kiss me. i want the sparks to fly. i want to be over tom and onto steve. the only other dude i ever thought was the right one for me. i don't care that he's got issues with alcohol. i'd love to love that man. if steve was my boyfriend, *i* would be jealous of me. he gets me. i get him. and he's fucking beautiful. sigh.
so i don't know. the ones i want never want me. and i should really know better because, really, it's just like... if he'd ever wanted me, he'd have wanted me in grad school. timing matters. but after reading about all of the intense moments we shared, i have less hope that anything will come of this.
it frustrates me that when i have feelings for boys, it's hopeless adoration. i see something like .... i don't know. i see something in his eyes. i do. but like i said, it could just be his intensity. i don't know. i have no idea. i want him bad. i'd kill for just one kiss. i can't wait to see him again. how soon can soon be here?
Friday, December 14, 2007
i hope the next boy that you kiss has something terribly contagious on his lips..
..and if you ever said you missed me, then don't say you never lied
brand new
..and if you ever said you missed me, then don't say you never lied
brand new
my insides are a disaster right now. i mean, a disaster. in 24 hours i will be sitting on a couch belonging to the boy who continually stomps my heart in new jersey, watching the nets play the knicks. i guess maybe we'll be getting ready to head over to see weston. i am a huge anxiety ball. my stomach keeps turning. i want to vomit. i'm so nervous that my mind is actually spinning.
am i strong enough for this? am i strong enough to kiss you goodbye? i mean, literally, i will kiss you. and i will say goodbye. i will cry all the way home. you are all i want out of this world, and i have to let you go. i can't move on until i do. i was talking to marisol today about this situation. she says you never get over it, you can only move on. this is the most true statement on the face of the planet. i will never get over you. you will always hold the largest piece of my heart available. a small remaining piece will go to some other man, eventually, i'm sure. but you will always hold the greatest portion in your hands.
tomorrow will come and i will see stephan. i can only hope that he is as cute and smells as good as he did when i met him in 2002. when i think about him, i still get a little flushed. i laugh a little when i think about how much i hated him when we met. i thought he was pretentious and cocky. but we smoked a cigarette together and he changed my mind. i wanted him so bad. but as my luck always works, he had a girlfriend. so i had to stop my feelings. it was easy, though, since at that moment, joe waltzed back into my life. in a large way. i never really was able to let go of steve, though, part of me always died while breathing in that incredible scent... wow. i'm excited to see him tomorrow, but i know it won't match what i feel for tom or what i felt for him 4 years ago. because that was a crush, simple adoration. this is love. it's love love love.
and need i mention how much i hate love?
am i strong enough for this? am i strong enough to kiss you goodbye? i mean, literally, i will kiss you. and i will say goodbye. i will cry all the way home. you are all i want out of this world, and i have to let you go. i can't move on until i do. i was talking to marisol today about this situation. she says you never get over it, you can only move on. this is the most true statement on the face of the planet. i will never get over you. you will always hold the largest piece of my heart available. a small remaining piece will go to some other man, eventually, i'm sure. but you will always hold the greatest portion in your hands.
tomorrow will come and i will see stephan. i can only hope that he is as cute and smells as good as he did when i met him in 2002. when i think about him, i still get a little flushed. i laugh a little when i think about how much i hated him when we met. i thought he was pretentious and cocky. but we smoked a cigarette together and he changed my mind. i wanted him so bad. but as my luck always works, he had a girlfriend. so i had to stop my feelings. it was easy, though, since at that moment, joe waltzed back into my life. in a large way. i never really was able to let go of steve, though, part of me always died while breathing in that incredible scent... wow. i'm excited to see him tomorrow, but i know it won't match what i feel for tom or what i felt for him 4 years ago. because that was a crush, simple adoration. this is love. it's love love love.
and need i mention how much i hate love?
Monday, December 10, 2007
you have broken me, all the way down.. you'll be the last, you'll see.. (and) what chance have we got when you missed every shot from me? (and) in the morning when you turn in i'll be out of reach.. (and) in the darkness when you find this i'll be far to sea.. (and) you have broken me, all the way down
glen hansard
i hate you still. i don't know what's wrong with me. i don't know why you are still haunting me.
i wish you had forgotten me. why did you have to seek me out last year? reaching out to start something that would never mean anything to you, never amount to anything, never be anything more than some make out sessions? and when i fell in love, you ran for the door. yet you'll still lie to me and tell me you DO have feelings. though that hasn't happened in a month.
if i could, i would erase you. before, i would have liked to have kept the good memories of us. the day in montauk. our random visit to the fair, so i could have zeppoles. the nights in atlantic city. just being us, curled up on the couch together. everything that mattered, that made us perfect. but i just want them gone. i want to forget them and to forget you. this is so pointless, holding on to memories that are nothing but a sham. something i convinced myself was real. but nothing was real, it was all a lie.
you haven't contacted me in days. i've had to initiate every conversation for so long. two nets games have passed and without a word from you. you have already forgotten me.
you are probably in the arms of some other woman. a girl with big boobs, since those seem to be yr type on okc. well, i hope you fall in love with her. and i hope she shatters yr heart and makes you understand how it feels to be broken all the way down, so far down that the idea of EVER FALLING IN LOVE AGAIN is something that makes you cringe.
and don't come running back to me with the pieces of yr shattered heart in yr hands. just lay down and die because i won't be here. i won't be here. you will be erased.
i hate you so much that it is killing me inside. it feels like love, only it hurts a lot.
i will never mean anything to anyone. i don't want this anymore. i don't want any of it.
glen hansard
i hate you still. i don't know what's wrong with me. i don't know why you are still haunting me.
i wish you had forgotten me. why did you have to seek me out last year? reaching out to start something that would never mean anything to you, never amount to anything, never be anything more than some make out sessions? and when i fell in love, you ran for the door. yet you'll still lie to me and tell me you DO have feelings. though that hasn't happened in a month.
if i could, i would erase you. before, i would have liked to have kept the good memories of us. the day in montauk. our random visit to the fair, so i could have zeppoles. the nights in atlantic city. just being us, curled up on the couch together. everything that mattered, that made us perfect. but i just want them gone. i want to forget them and to forget you. this is so pointless, holding on to memories that are nothing but a sham. something i convinced myself was real. but nothing was real, it was all a lie.
you haven't contacted me in days. i've had to initiate every conversation for so long. two nets games have passed and without a word from you. you have already forgotten me.
you are probably in the arms of some other woman. a girl with big boobs, since those seem to be yr type on okc. well, i hope you fall in love with her. and i hope she shatters yr heart and makes you understand how it feels to be broken all the way down, so far down that the idea of EVER FALLING IN LOVE AGAIN is something that makes you cringe.
and don't come running back to me with the pieces of yr shattered heart in yr hands. just lay down and die because i won't be here. i won't be here. you will be erased.
i hate you so much that it is killing me inside. it feels like love, only it hurts a lot.
i will never mean anything to anyone. i don't want this anymore. i don't want any of it.
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