Tuesday, December 18, 2007
you said you could be my dream, i could have you every night and if by morning, i'd forgotten you, well no big deal, that'd be alright cos yr the reoccurring kind. you are the reoccurring kind.. you never really leave my mind. are you the love of my lifetime? cos there have been times i've had my doubts
...
you said go explore those other women, the geography of their bodies but there's just one map you'll need. yr a boomerang you'll see
you will return to me
bright eyes
...
you said go explore those other women, the geography of their bodies but there's just one map you'll need. yr a boomerang you'll see
you will return to me
bright eyes
this song basically sums up my tom thoughts. i had to omit things because i didn't feel like they fit what i wanted. i would be the "you" though. he would be the "i". he has his doubts about me being right for him. so ok fine. i'm done.
i guess there is some backstory. blah.
i want to be brief. i'm tired. i'm cranky. i'm flustered. but i have this thing called hope. so here goes the two tales that intertwined this weekend.....
i'll start with tom. i was 4 hours late to his place. we had plans for dinner and nets. i totally got caught up in another dude. more to come on that. i was nervous. i was scared. i gave him hugs. i kept my distance. i got nauseas on the PATH. i didn't know what to do. we got to maxwell's. you wanted me to take my hair down. you like it better that way. weston were so good. they didn't play long enough. i was drunk. tom was drunk. we left at 130. it was snowing. "kiss me once in the snow, i swear it never gets old." he was kissing me immediately. stopping and pushing me against street lamps. cars. waiting for the PATH and we're making out. i have no idea what i'm doing. i'm not drunk enough to not know better. on the train, he vomits. it was horrendous. i rubbed his back the whole time. i felt so bad. changing at journal square, yr pushing against me, i'm making erotic noises. you call me a tease (note my tense change!). on the PATH again, we're going through my journal, yr trying to read it while i go through quickly. you have yr hand under my shirt, under my coat. it's stealth, sort of hot. i continue to wonder what yr doing. yr vomiting has sobered me 100%. waiting for a taxi at harrison station. yr hugging me and leaning against me. the cab comes, you slump in my lap for a nap while i'm stroking yr hair. i swear this is love. at least it's love from me. i swear this shows you how much i adore you. we're back at yr place, we're in bed together. things are happening. we're making out. we stop and talk. i'm not happy. i tell you i had intended to come over and walk out of yr life. somehow that leads to more making out. and you want me so bad, you are BEGGING me for sex. i'm not giving in, i'm telling you i don't want you to regret me. i'm so firm on this for so long. i give in. it's not really real sex, it's like sex flirtation. no longer than 5 seconds each, 3 times. but 15 seconds counts. i don't know what i'm doing. you tell me you aren't drunk. we talk some more. you had intended to sleep on the couch should i have stayed the night. obviously this hasn't happened. i'm a mess. it's almost 7am and we sleep. it's 8am, you wake me up, yr going to the bathroom. yr hungover. yr back in bed, we're sleeping. it's 10am, you can't sleep anymore so yr waking me up. we fool around, we talk some more. yr begging me again and i don't give in. i tell you about steve (see below). yr clearly jealous. it doesn't change anything. we stay in bed til 1pm, talking, touching, being.. you have to shower. i make you tea. the cable guy is there. we go have lunch. my mood has soured. i'm fending off tears. i know i have to say goodbye. i don't think i can. we're back at yr place. i'm crying. i'm debating with you the usefulness of me being in yr life. you tell me that you wish we could just hang out without the sadness and tears. i tell you i wish we could just hang out without kissing. everything has changed. i don't know what possessed you to want to fuck me. you resisted for 8 months. and now here you are, begging. but for something meaningless. but i have to leave. i can't keep this up. it's late. i want to go. i want to go back to steve's. i need to leave. you walk me to my car, you clean off the snow while i shovel the tires out. i'm practically in tears. i drive you to yr car. we're sitting in my car, i'm crying. i tell you "no matter what happens, you will always have the largest piece of my heart." you won't let me leave. you are insisting this won't be goodbye. you are hugging me, you are kissing me. you look like you might cry. i say goodbye. you ask me if i'll text you during the nets game. i say i don't know. you won't get out of my car until i say yes. you hug me again, you kiss me some more. and you leave. you are walking away, looking back every few steps, waving as you turn the corner to yr car..... and i know it'll be a long time before our physical paths cross again.
last night i'm texting with dionne about what happened. she wishes she could punch you in the face and then give me a hug. she says yr manipulating me. you told her that we slept separately and nothing happened. you lied. because you are a liar. you have another date with the girl you liked this week. you also have a first date. so i text you that you used me. we argue via text message for 4 hours. i call you a typical guy. you argue that i'm more special to you than you are to me. that the feelings i have for you aren't unique. you are clearly jealous about steve because you bring him up 100 times, claiming it'll be no time before i'm in love with him, before i'm sleeping with him. it's intense, i tell you that this was the eye opener i needed to realize you are right, that i'm not the one for you. i articulate this several different ways and about 15 times. i don't think you like this. but i keep going on with it. you are still insisting that i was more special to you than you were to me. you apologize. you tell me i've successfully made you regret it. whatever though. after hours of arguing, i give up. i break down. i apologize. i tell you i just want you to be happy. that you'll find the right girl. someone that makes you happy. you says "it's not impossible that it would be you." we both said really hurtful things to each other. you said that you were so tired of my belittling yr feelings for me. that it's not a question of whether you like me, whether you care about me, whether you have feelings for me.. it's a question of the strength of those feelings. i get it. i just want you to be happy. you tell me you'll give me space, i can call or text you any time, but that i can take all the time i need. i tell you we can be friends. things are such a mess. i give up. i give up.
but my oh my, stephan jones is motherfucking hot.
before i started this blog 4 years ago, he was my obsession. i met him on the first day of grad school. he was gorgeous. he was brilliant. his eyes could see through to my soul. he had a girlfriend. i got over it when joe decided to start the head games with me again. but for almost a year i was enamored by this man. i thought he was the one without ever having kissed him. we shared so many intense moments....
i guess there is some backstory. blah.
i want to be brief. i'm tired. i'm cranky. i'm flustered. but i have this thing called hope. so here goes the two tales that intertwined this weekend.....
i'll start with tom. i was 4 hours late to his place. we had plans for dinner and nets. i totally got caught up in another dude. more to come on that. i was nervous. i was scared. i gave him hugs. i kept my distance. i got nauseas on the PATH. i didn't know what to do. we got to maxwell's. you wanted me to take my hair down. you like it better that way. weston were so good. they didn't play long enough. i was drunk. tom was drunk. we left at 130. it was snowing. "kiss me once in the snow, i swear it never gets old." he was kissing me immediately. stopping and pushing me against street lamps. cars. waiting for the PATH and we're making out. i have no idea what i'm doing. i'm not drunk enough to not know better. on the train, he vomits. it was horrendous. i rubbed his back the whole time. i felt so bad. changing at journal square, yr pushing against me, i'm making erotic noises. you call me a tease (note my tense change!). on the PATH again, we're going through my journal, yr trying to read it while i go through quickly. you have yr hand under my shirt, under my coat. it's stealth, sort of hot. i continue to wonder what yr doing. yr vomiting has sobered me 100%. waiting for a taxi at harrison station. yr hugging me and leaning against me. the cab comes, you slump in my lap for a nap while i'm stroking yr hair. i swear this is love. at least it's love from me. i swear this shows you how much i adore you. we're back at yr place, we're in bed together. things are happening. we're making out. we stop and talk. i'm not happy. i tell you i had intended to come over and walk out of yr life. somehow that leads to more making out. and you want me so bad, you are BEGGING me for sex. i'm not giving in, i'm telling you i don't want you to regret me. i'm so firm on this for so long. i give in. it's not really real sex, it's like sex flirtation. no longer than 5 seconds each, 3 times. but 15 seconds counts. i don't know what i'm doing. you tell me you aren't drunk. we talk some more. you had intended to sleep on the couch should i have stayed the night. obviously this hasn't happened. i'm a mess. it's almost 7am and we sleep. it's 8am, you wake me up, yr going to the bathroom. yr hungover. yr back in bed, we're sleeping. it's 10am, you can't sleep anymore so yr waking me up. we fool around, we talk some more. yr begging me again and i don't give in. i tell you about steve (see below). yr clearly jealous. it doesn't change anything. we stay in bed til 1pm, talking, touching, being.. you have to shower. i make you tea. the cable guy is there. we go have lunch. my mood has soured. i'm fending off tears. i know i have to say goodbye. i don't think i can. we're back at yr place. i'm crying. i'm debating with you the usefulness of me being in yr life. you tell me that you wish we could just hang out without the sadness and tears. i tell you i wish we could just hang out without kissing. everything has changed. i don't know what possessed you to want to fuck me. you resisted for 8 months. and now here you are, begging. but for something meaningless. but i have to leave. i can't keep this up. it's late. i want to go. i want to go back to steve's. i need to leave. you walk me to my car, you clean off the snow while i shovel the tires out. i'm practically in tears. i drive you to yr car. we're sitting in my car, i'm crying. i tell you "no matter what happens, you will always have the largest piece of my heart." you won't let me leave. you are insisting this won't be goodbye. you are hugging me, you are kissing me. you look like you might cry. i say goodbye. you ask me if i'll text you during the nets game. i say i don't know. you won't get out of my car until i say yes. you hug me again, you kiss me some more. and you leave. you are walking away, looking back every few steps, waving as you turn the corner to yr car..... and i know it'll be a long time before our physical paths cross again.
last night i'm texting with dionne about what happened. she wishes she could punch you in the face and then give me a hug. she says yr manipulating me. you told her that we slept separately and nothing happened. you lied. because you are a liar. you have another date with the girl you liked this week. you also have a first date. so i text you that you used me. we argue via text message for 4 hours. i call you a typical guy. you argue that i'm more special to you than you are to me. that the feelings i have for you aren't unique. you are clearly jealous about steve because you bring him up 100 times, claiming it'll be no time before i'm in love with him, before i'm sleeping with him. it's intense, i tell you that this was the eye opener i needed to realize you are right, that i'm not the one for you. i articulate this several different ways and about 15 times. i don't think you like this. but i keep going on with it. you are still insisting that i was more special to you than you were to me. you apologize. you tell me i've successfully made you regret it. whatever though. after hours of arguing, i give up. i break down. i apologize. i tell you i just want you to be happy. that you'll find the right girl. someone that makes you happy. you says "it's not impossible that it would be you." we both said really hurtful things to each other. you said that you were so tired of my belittling yr feelings for me. that it's not a question of whether you like me, whether you care about me, whether you have feelings for me.. it's a question of the strength of those feelings. i get it. i just want you to be happy. you tell me you'll give me space, i can call or text you any time, but that i can take all the time i need. i tell you we can be friends. things are such a mess. i give up. i give up.
but my oh my, stephan jones is motherfucking hot.
before i started this blog 4 years ago, he was my obsession. i met him on the first day of grad school. he was gorgeous. he was brilliant. his eyes could see through to my soul. he had a girlfriend. i got over it when joe decided to start the head games with me again. but for almost a year i was enamored by this man. i thought he was the one without ever having kissed him. we shared so many intense moments....
so saturday i left my apartment and headed to jersey. i hadn't seen steve in 3 years. i was nervous that we'd have nothing to talk about. i got to his apartment, which is ironically about 14 minutes from tom's condo, and he gave me a huge hug. he's got music on loud. he's so hot. i almost die. he made apple pie the other day, we eat it and drink coffee and talk about music. he plays about 20 records for me. he's so excited about them. he tells me about his life now. he's quit drinking. we bond over addiction. we're talking for hours, listening to records, drinking coffee.. we go through an illustrated copy of alice's adventures through the looking glass. we're sitting so close to each other. he smells like heaven. we go through a box of historical artifacts he has. i am so taken by the tokens he has in that box. i feel so close to him in that moment. i don't want to leave, but i'm so late to tom's. he tells me he has this WWI movie from netflix he's going to save to watch with me, that i'm welcome to come back after the show if i want. but by the time it's over, it's way too late. it's 1:23am when i text him that it's late, but maybe tomorrow? he says he'll just be lounging around with the newspaper, and i should get in touch. my heart almost explodes. the above drama takes place, and i call him again. he's just being lazy, and i head over. when i arrive with puffy eyes in the clothes i was wearing the day before, he's playing guitar. listening to the faces. i'm looking at him with adoration. we decide to watch the pope of greenwich village. he's sitting so close to me. i want his arm to graze mine. i want to kiss him. i want to kiss him so bad. but i don't. i don't make first moves. i can't handle rejection. the movie is over, and we're talking again. it's 8pm, we're drinking coffee and having amazing conversation. just talking and talking. i'm so into him. so so into him. but it's 9:30, it's icy out, and i have work in the morning. so i have to go. he walks me to my car, so cute. he puts on this zip up track jacket, and he looks hotter than any man i have ever laid eyes on. we're walking to my car, and there's ice. i grab his hand so neither of us fall. it's fucking intense. i don't want to let go. i offer to drive him to his car, he wants to scrape the ice off tonight so as not to have to in the morning. "lover i don't have to love" is on. my favorite lyric. i point it out... "you write such pretty words. but life's no storybook. love's an excuse to get hurt. and to hurt. do you like to hurt? i do, i do, then hurt meeeee". he says "it doesn't have to." i want him so bad. we hug goodnight, i say "i had a great time!" and he says "me too." we pull away from the hug and for a moment i swear i see that same desire in his eyes. i should be so lucky. he tells me he's adding vanilla sky to the netflix queue so we can watch it together. i tell him i want to see mulholland drive also. i tell him he's always welcome to come hang out with me and my cat. and that i'd be happy to come by whenever. he wants me to text him when i get home. i do. i say "thanks again for a great night!" and he replies "we'll do it again soon." i can't wait for soon to come. i want soon to be now. i know it will be a while. i'm contemplating asking him if he wants to have a super sober new year's with me. he probably has plans. i'll ask anyway. i want to see him whenever i can.
when he talks to you, he has this stare. it penetrates yr whole being. he sees into yr soul. he's easily the most entrancing human being i have ever met in my whole entire life.
so i came home from work today and i pulled out my old journals. one is totally filled with my desire for him. we shared so many intense moments in graduate school. it makes me doubt that there is anything there now. maybe there was something there then, but he had that girlfriend. maybe there is nothing there, he just has this intense personality that makes it seem like there is something. argh. i can't stand not knowing. i just want to hang out more. have more opportunities for kissing. i want him to kiss me. i want the sparks to fly. i want to be over tom and onto steve. the only other dude i ever thought was the right one for me. i don't care that he's got issues with alcohol. i'd love to love that man. if steve was my boyfriend, *i* would be jealous of me. he gets me. i get him. and he's fucking beautiful. sigh.
so i don't know. the ones i want never want me. and i should really know better because, really, it's just like... if he'd ever wanted me, he'd have wanted me in grad school. timing matters. but after reading about all of the intense moments we shared, i have less hope that anything will come of this.
it frustrates me that when i have feelings for boys, it's hopeless adoration. i see something like .... i don't know. i see something in his eyes. i do. but like i said, it could just be his intensity. i don't know. i have no idea. i want him bad. i'd kill for just one kiss. i can't wait to see him again. how soon can soon be here?
when he talks to you, he has this stare. it penetrates yr whole being. he sees into yr soul. he's easily the most entrancing human being i have ever met in my whole entire life.
so i came home from work today and i pulled out my old journals. one is totally filled with my desire for him. we shared so many intense moments in graduate school. it makes me doubt that there is anything there now. maybe there was something there then, but he had that girlfriend. maybe there is nothing there, he just has this intense personality that makes it seem like there is something. argh. i can't stand not knowing. i just want to hang out more. have more opportunities for kissing. i want him to kiss me. i want the sparks to fly. i want to be over tom and onto steve. the only other dude i ever thought was the right one for me. i don't care that he's got issues with alcohol. i'd love to love that man. if steve was my boyfriend, *i* would be jealous of me. he gets me. i get him. and he's fucking beautiful. sigh.
so i don't know. the ones i want never want me. and i should really know better because, really, it's just like... if he'd ever wanted me, he'd have wanted me in grad school. timing matters. but after reading about all of the intense moments we shared, i have less hope that anything will come of this.
it frustrates me that when i have feelings for boys, it's hopeless adoration. i see something like .... i don't know. i see something in his eyes. i do. but like i said, it could just be his intensity. i don't know. i have no idea. i want him bad. i'd kill for just one kiss. i can't wait to see him again. how soon can soon be here?
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