is it too late to heal?

*hoping for the best just hoping nothing happens a thousand clever lines unread on clever napkins i will never ask if you don't ever tell me i know you well enough to know you'll never love me hoping for the best just hoping nothing happens a thousand clever lines unread on clever napkins i will never ask if you don't ever tell me i know you well enough to know you'll never love me hoping for the best just hoping nothing happens a thousand clever lines unread on clever napkins i will never ask if you don't ever tell me i know you well enough to know... why can't i feel anything from anyone other than you? why can't I feel anything from anyone other than you? and all of this was all your fault and all of this (i stay jealous) i stay wrecked and jealous for this, for this simple reason i just need to keep you in mind as something larger than life*
taking back sunday

i just had this terrifying thought. im listening to all my mp3s (i have burned like 800 songs from cds onto my comp) and i have them on random, and the above song, "cute without the e (cut from the team)" comes on, and im like "i know you well enough to know youll never love me..." and i DO know. i know, i know, i know. so somehow the next thing i know im imagining you asking me for a chance, and in my little imagination thing (fantasy?) i go: "i cant wait any longer for you. i'm ready to start a family and have a life."

what happens in peter pan? what happens to wendy?

she grows up.

she marries a grown up.

i hated that thought. (i cant move on because i am tied to you.) but im reading high fidelity, and im at the beginning, and he (narrator, rob) is talking about charlie, and he says he didnt do anything permanent, he always had to be able to drop everything and run if charlie needed him or wanted him back. and thats how i feel. i dont do anything permanent so i can run away from my life with joe if he just asked. but he ISNT GOING TO. and i DO want a family. and i DO want to start a life. and im not ready to keep waiting for a big nothing.

and the only reason ive agreed to hang out with him is because i need him. pretty much, he knows he came come here, and i will have sex with him. pretty much, he knows that all he has to do is act like he wants me a little. pretty much, the only reason i do this is because i know the only way i can get him to spend time with me is if there is sex involved. which is lame, because im a lot of fun. but i, like, neeeed him. but i dont. i made it through 2/3 of my life without him in it. hes not going to end up with me. if he was going to love me, he would have done so, or realized it, by now.

im sick of remembering how i was dying to love you. how badly i wanted to love you. and it wasnt that i wanted YOU to love me.. i wanted to love you. but i dont.

every wendy has to grow up.

i have to grow up..
..but i dont want to marry a grown up.

fuck.

*i wanted to kiss you, i wanted to hug you, but you said love scared you so, i got scared and i let you go.. i wanted to hold you, i wanted to know you, i dont need the things you do to me, but i think about you constantly.. i wanted to tell you im fallin in love with you, but you fell so far away, you dont care that much anyway.. i wanted to like you, but yr with someone new, i wish i could let you go... when you and i went to that nosafruto show we didnt understand a single word they said, but i know how important it was to you, i want you to [something?]... when i first met you, i really liked you, but now yr seein somebody new.. when i first met you, i really liked you.. but now yr leavin.. but now yr leavin.. but now yr leavin.. but now yr leavin again.. but now yr leavin, leavin, leavin, leavin, leavin, yr leavin...*
weston

miss me? how long has it been? almost a month, eh? whatever. i do what i want.

there is a snow storm occuring. im opposed to it, but it doesnt stop. fucking snow. its late now, i think ill smoke a cigarette and then go to bed. yessss.

so not much has been happening. im tired of a lot. i spent some time in the city. actually last weekend. i just looked at my blog and i cant believe i havent written about brian. brian... who i am sleeping with... brian who i am not even the least bit attracted to... brian who i def want no relationship with... im sleeping with him. not this past weekend, but the time before, we were hooking up, and he said my name, and you know what? i forgot his. like, i laid there, participating, thinking "fuck, who am i fucking?" it was a monumental moment in my failure. i remembered after a few seconds, but what the hell is wrong with me? why do i do this? ugh. so im supposed to go back next weekend, but i dont know, i dont wanna keep this up, but i have a feeling i will rather than just admit i dont wanna keep sleeping with him. last time, i got a UTI. and i dont want that shit all the time, especially when i dont even get anything out of it anymore.

despite that whole debacle.. my last trip to the city was good. lots of high, lots of movies, lots of food. then on sunday evening, i went into the city and i met this kid richard i have been talking to from myspace for like... i dunno, at least like 8 months or so. we met up for coffee, walked around a while after that, then ended up going back to his place on the upper east side with the intent of watching a movie. that ended up with us talking ALL night.. we did watch 50 First Dates, though. i was gonna take the 614am train home, but i didnt leave in time. so i slept on his couch. he woke me up at like 130, but i didnt get up cos i am a sloth. he sat on the couch with me and we watched tv/listened to music/talked, and then he cuddled with me, but that was it. i could sort of tell he wanted to kiss me, but i think he didnt want to overstep since he knows i am not into the boy thing presently.. which was a little awkward for me, you know, knowing he wanted to (and i knew cos every once in a while, he would get a little closer and i would be very still)... but it was good he didnt try anything, cos we all know i cant say no and i would get involved in some crap that would end up with someone hurt, probably not me, bc i would turn it off. who knows though. he is a good cuddler, i was comfy. i had fun. i left there in the evening, came home. wooo.

im listening to some taking back sunday right now. ive been burning/ripping music all day. im listening to the album version of "great romances" and its pretty good. the demo version is fucking awesome, and this is more intense, which i enjoy. thumbs up adam!

yah ok, i know you are dying for the joe update and i have been being mean by withholding. that fucker.. he got in touch with me. i think it was like jan 6.. it was like 11pm, and it just said "hey." i responded, and he said he had been sending me texts and no response. i said i hadnt gotten them. he kept asking about did i have a new man he read about on myspace (what, are you jealous?) but i dunno what he was talking about, cos its not like im advertising that im screwing brian. duh, im kind of embarrassed about it, actually. but anyway. we talked a bunch, and i went to bed. then like 3 days later, he sends me "where you at girl? i miss talking to you. whats going on? you playing tony hawk? is that why you dont write anymore?" and so he talks about how we should play as soon as he gets home and all this insanity, about how hard up he is.. figures thats why he wrote. but of course its all he wants. no strings, great sex. and of course i have complied, and made makeshift plans with him.. ugh. i kind of have alterior motives. like... to fall asleep as soon as its done. to act like it meant nothing. part of me wants to win real bad, and then say i changed my stakes, and i dont want anything. or let him win, give him the head, and then ask him to leave. not that i win in that case, but whatever. there are comments from 18 year old girls on his myspace. and one comes off as SUPER slutty. i want nothing to do with that, ok? no diseases. keep the diseases in yr pants, ok? thanks.

what the hell is wrong with me????
i cant blame it on being in love anymore, cos seriously, am i? no. maybe. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. i am. and i still cant imagine myself spending the rest of my life with anyone who isnt joe. because im fucked up or something. when he gets home, he'll probably start talking about laura again, anyway. wanting to work shit out. even though he claims to have not had any sex in 2 months, which encompasses the time in which they were on vacation in cali together.. so maybe its over? probably not. he doesnt want me anyway. AND IM TOO GOOD FOR HIM!

ugh.

and thats about it on that. im still in love with the boy who lives to break my heart. i will see him in approximately one week, and i will lay down for him. and i will hate myself the whole entire time. but at least ill feel good.

im going to sleep.

sometimes i hate my job. i mean, i love it there, the kids i have met are awesome, and they make me feel really good on a daily basis. like this morning, i walk in to the school, and this 10th grader, tom is talking to someone and hes like "oh wait, hold on.. coolest sub ever!" and walks over to me, and hes like "who are you subbing today?" and i told him i was on my way to find out, and he goes "i hope its one of my teachers!" and i was like aww. then i was with my kids in learning center, and i have been preparing all these review sheets for them so they have something to study for the regents which is in 7 days and i showed alexis, and she was like "i love you, yr so good to me." and i that made me feel good.. but like, the other teachers, they seriously treat me like im a second class citizen, they ignore me. i was sitting in the faculty room with someone and he said that my presence isnt that of a teacher. he said i would be more appreciated in a college setting, bc high schools arent looking for people with my kind of "independent spark." i understand that thats a compliment and all, but i like high school kids, i like my job, i think i am incredibly effective in the classroom. seriously, i teach ONE class, and its the worst class that NO ONE wants because its all just doing review with regents failures.. and its not even that the kids arent smart, because they are, the system is just failing them, and they fail their classes and tests because they are too busy cutting. and they NEVER cut my class. before he got into his fighting debacle, nick came every day. he had 20 unexcused absences before that. alexis comes every day, and she had a bunch of cuts before i became their teacher. brittany i think hated me at first, but after the first week, when she saw that i just want to help her, that changed and now shes really sweet and she comes to class when she doesnt have mono. what really sucks, is that we dont have a department chair due to stupid crap, and so there is no one to notice what i do, or how i am with my kids. also, working in a high school is just lke going to high school, the teachers are way cliquey. i have nothing in common with them, and i dont wanna like, hang out outside of school or anything, but i also dont like feeling intentionally ignored, or like im getting cold shoulder from people. fuck that.i know im not inadequate, but i fucking feel it. i know i wont be getting a job there next year, since people treat me like im not even there now. im a smart girl, i have a MA in history, and i cant get a job teaching social studies? work is something i have historically been pretty good at. i loved waiting tables, i was good at it, it was like acting only there wasnt a real audience. i could be as dramatic as i liked. i loved the people i worked with. now im stuck getting up early every morning to go to a job i could potentially love if i had a real teachers schedule instead of one class and sub the rest of the day with a bunch of kids i love and adults i cant stand. i know im good enough, but going there makes me feel like im not.and the battle continues, of me knowing im better than the rest of the world makes me feel. i get so tired of this crap, i get tired of feeling like im not good enough for stupid boys, or not good enough for stupid schools, or not good enough for anything. and i shouldnt have to convince anyone that i am an amazing girl. everyone should just know.

i dreamt about you last night. it was a variety show, and im pretty sure at was at the school i work in. and i was backstage.. you were there, i dont know why, but i didnt expect to see you. and i had this laptop, and it was in the center of the stage, and all the sudden, it began projecting this picture i have of you on my computer (well, in the dream, i dont have one in real life) onto a huge screen, and i was so embarrassed, i made up some story. you didnt seem to care. and somehow we ended up together. i dont think we had sex, im pretty sure that wasnt part of the dream. we were naked, we were laying together, or mostly naked. you kept mentioning laura, some video she rented for you or a library book or something. it was bizarre. but i havent been able to stop thinking about you all day. not like in such a way that i cant handle it, but its weird. i mean, i still have nothing to say to you. i checked out yr stupid bands webpage, and you are in florida now. arizona is the 17th-19th.. thats when youll be with yr new love. i guess she is visiting the same time you are. im so tired of stalking yr myspace profile. i cant stop. i dont want to be with you anymore, and on most days, i think very little of you.. but i cant stop checking to see if you have left her anymore comments, if she left you any... its silly, really, because i also realize that im sure this is only temporary, as well. unless yr moving to idaho. or shes moving to ny. i dont think ny is big enough for the two of us, though. i think i might knock her teeth in.

*if its not keeping you up nights, then whats the point?*
taking back sunday

blah blah. happy 2005. thats kind of intense. i didnt make a resolution bc i started my new life last week. i still think about joe, but not often, and not intensely. sometimes i think about texting him, but i have nothing to say. i feel like the fact that i am now willing to write his name means something. whatever, though.

so i spent part of the week with twon and kim (twons fiancee) and brian (their roommate) in crown heights. we watched like 900 movies. it was a lot of fun. (my cats are chasing each other around the house.) kim made vegetarian lasagna tues night, and then on wed i made mashed potatoes and mac and cheese (both from scratch), and brian made pork chops for the meat eaters. also, kim made cheese enchiladas. both days we made cookies. i have a really good time when i go to visit them. we watched garden state twice. i put that in red because i LOVE it.

yesterday was new years, but i didnt do anything. i have this oppressive cough right now. besides that, i dont have anyone that loves me, and new years is so a holiday to be in love and kiss and blah blah blah. i hate the holidays when im single. i donnt minnd being single, really, but around the holidays i do. i wish i had someone to dote on me.

yoda is staring at me. i guess running around the house is over. he probably wants me to go to bed.

so lee came out to LI for the new years thing, and so kim and i hung out with him tonight. that was fun. we went to sweet hollow diner, and then we picked up kims man, grant. we drove around aimlessly for hours. it was fun, i had a good time. my mood is much improved now that i am no longer pining. im so much happier without him. it feels good. most of the sadness is gone. sometimes i wonder if he thinks about me anymore. probably not. but thats ok, cos the longer i dont hear from him... its been 6 days. ok, 5. cos technically its sunday but its way early. im thinking it will be a while. he hasnt had anything to say to me the last few times we talked. i mean, i admit, when i saw him at the cast aside show, i did hope he would realize how much hed missed me and yadda yadda, but. he didnt, and he didnt really try to see me at all. its not me, its him. i know im going on and on, but i havent written in like forever, so i guess this is my attempt to like, work it out in words.

so basically, my point is, that over the past month or so, i have come to a realization: im a cute girl. i am very caring. im really smart. im fun/funny. yah, i have my quirks, and mine are more intense than average, but i am OCD and im sure there are many not high strung men out there that could totally balance me, and love me for my quirks. michael does, even if he has a gf now and barely any time for me. speaking of michael, he came over last sunday night and we watched a couple of movies and then on monday we went to get lunch and to best buy, and i had a realllly good time, i am really happy. it wasnt awkward. he cuddled with me when we slept. i still dont think i have feelings for him, but it felt good. he really does love me, even if he doesnt have as much time for me anymore. like, thats proof that, despite my crazy compulsive habits and overanalysis, and despite the fact that i am crazy uptight in a lot of ways and easily annoyed/volatile, someone can love me. my friends put up with me. twons roommate brian is like, my bitch. he is all refilling my soda and getting up to give me the ashtray and catering to me. see, the thing is, i cant respect that. i think its cute, and chivalrous, and an assortment of happy adjectives, but ill walk all over you. i will become totally lazy and expect you to treat me like a princess. and i do not want to become that girl. in order for me to really wanna be with a guy, he has to like, be able to put me in my place, tell me to get it myself, and laugh at me when i whine.

so really, after all those tangents, what im trying to say, is that i am a good catch. i have a lot to offer. its his loss. and the thing is, he doesnt even really know me. if you asked joe what my favorite band is, my favorite color, my favorite food, my favorite tv show, my favorite book was.. i dont think he would know. i mean, maybe, but thats a huge fuckin maybe, let me tell you. he might know my favorite book since weve talked about books, but i doubt he remembers. i bet also he doesnt even know who my favorite historical figure is.. and ANYONE WHO KNOWS ME knows the answer to that is alexander hamilton. if you read this regularly, you probably even fucking know that. he read my thesis, and i bet he still wouldnt know. so pretty much, its him, cos he never even gave me a chance. its probably my fault for putting out, but you know what, he was a good liar. he made it feel real. boys can do that. im not saying girls cant, but i dont date girls so im not so sure on them, but from my whole nikole debale, i am pretty sure that the whole thing for her was an act. and not even a conscious act, but i think she made up feelings for me to displace the feelings she had for joe. which is the same thing that happened with me, and i faked it real good. and maybe at first he was confused. who knows, but im not giving him the benefit of the doubt. he used me. and he doesnt even know what he lost out on. somebody out there will think im fabulous. or at least great. you know? its not like i have never had a successful relationship. im pretty sure that mine and chaz's relationship was really good. it wasnt intense, we were at ease with each other, we enjoyed seeing each other every day. we were happy. i could have spent the rest of my life with him at the time. which was the problem. and its not like boys have never been smitten over me before. cos they have, sorry to be vain, but they have, so i have the right to say it.

anyway. mr yoda kitty cat is all staring at me with his bedroom eyes (and in cat language that means hes sleepy and wants to go under warm covers), and speaking of eyes, mine hurt like hell. therefore, i am going to sleep without proofreading. publishing typos and all. :)

oh, and hello again to 2005. i welcome you, and i have a feeling you will bring a great and wonderful change to my life. i almost forgot about that endless supply of hope i have... :)