Sunday, November 28, 2004
*go yr own way, ill be with you, make mistakes and ill forgive you, home is waiting here for you when you return*
further seems forever
another long interval or nothing from me. sorry readers. i have broadband now, so i suppose my posts can become a little more frequent. we shall see. i am still without desk, so typing laying on my bed, which is like the anti-comfortable. i have to shower and eat before 9, and its presently 758, so i will try to keep this short, though im sure i will not.
well. first thing, is that i was talking to the awful boy last week, and he decided to tell me he met this *other* girl, this one lives in ARIZONA, who he has a really good time with.. which like stabbed me in the heart. brooklyn was too far, but arizona is managable? whatever. so i asked him if he could just never talk to me again, and forget me. he said he didnt think so, but that he would do whatever would help me to not be sad. so.. i guess that means he is ready to let me go. i havent gotten in touch with him, and it hurts a lot. a lot a lot. he wants to be friends, but i dont think we have a friendship. all we had was sex for him and love for me. nothing else. we cant, like, hang out. he cant talk to me about his long distance arizona via boise girl. i cant handle it. he breaks my heart. so we shall see how long i go without talking to him. its been 6 days. he is in canada now. he will be home friday. its been three months since the last time we saw each other. since the last time he lied to my face. part of me wants to hang out when he gets home, but part of me says fuck it, let go....
so. thats the deal with joe. ooh his name. yes his name is joe, and he is a motherfucker, if you ever meet him, which you could since he is always on tour, you should avoid him because he cheats on his girlfriends and he has no regard for human feelings other than that of his penis.
this weekend was good, though. friday i went into the city.. met up with twon at barnes and noble, bought the virgin suicides and this other book called look at me, which seems to have the same idea as, or at least similarities to, invisible monsters. then we headed over to virgin, he bought the urbz and some dvds. then we went to his apartment in crown heights. we got there at like.. 5ish, i would say. brian, his roommate, had a bong packed, and we started smoking at 5.. i hadnt smoked in a while, so i hit it twice, and i was good. drank some cokes, ordered chinese.. we watched soooo many movies.. um, school of rock, legally blonde 2, the girl next door, this is spinal tap.. we watched some episodes of the simpsons, i feel like there were other movies watched as well, but i guess not.. kim, twons fiance, got home at like 12, we had smores rice krispy treats that brian made.. yum. we smoked so much i swear my head was covered in fog by the end of the night. it was wonderful. twon went to bed at like 2, then kim went, then brian went, and so i was asleep prob by like 330ish. muy uncomfortable, the couch wasnt big enough for me, but eh. i woke up before 11 to some loud music. boo. so i got up and watched some tv on my own. then twon got up. we walked kim to the subway for work, got some lunch at the grocery store. he played the urbz for a while, i read jane and watched him. i showered, then we went into manhattan to meet up with gaston. we met him at the w in union square, then i went over to this bar on 19th called ora where my friend gabe is working now. said hi for like 3 minutes, then we headed down to little italy. ate at this place called sal's.. then we saw this installation art thing called the dream house, which i HATED. seriously, HATED. it was loud and boring, and gaston described it as laying in the womb of someone who is meditating, like 'ohm' but yah. there was this one frequency which really hurt my ears and i just couldnt enjoy it. you dont take uptight people to noisy places, ok? ok. so then gaston went to see this band, and twon and i got the R train up to times square.. went to chevy's, saw bart, baxter, jolynn, rebecca, gregg, jim, wendy.. lots of cats were there which made me happy. saw derek, and we made plans to go to smith's when he was done, so gregg cut him. twon and i went over to virgin where i purchased tony hawk underground 2, and then he went to get kim, while i waited for derek...
sooo derek and i went over to smith's and we are both on the wagon, but we made an exception. we caught up over beers.. neither of us got drunk, though i was slightly buzzed. we just talked and talked, and i told him *everything* cos he gets me. like reallllly gets me. all the details about work and life and joe and kimberly and my mom and the suicidal moments ive had lately. which have been numerous. and he told me about his play and how it went in texas, and about losing lots of money in atlantic city.. we were out for like maybe 2 hours, and then he asked where i was staying that night, and i said i was going home.. looked at the time, and i had just missed the 118.. next train wasnt till 255, so he said he didnt want me traveling at that time, and said i should go to his place. i was psyched, cos that meant the chances i would score were very high. so we hailed a cab and we got in, and we kinda hudled together cos it was cold and the driver YELLED at us! he said we had to put on the seat belts or get another cab, so derek goes "we'll take another cab!" and we did. so we cuddled in the cab and he kissed me. the whole ride was cuddles intermingled with kisses. we got to his place, went upstairs and he told p'scuse me to say hi, she meowed a bunch.. then he was like "im going to bed, are you coming with?" and i did. we got in there, and i hugged him and then we were making out, then our shirts were off, then we were naked and having sex. but its weird. cos like, i dont remember it. it was short. it wasnt particularly good, he really didnt make an effort to make me cum. at all. but then, sex with derek has always been being held all night for me. the sex part is inconsequential. i know hell hold me all night, and thats what i want. when he was done, he admired my tattoo, which he hadnt noticed before, even though i got it while we were having sex the first time around. he told me i look really good.. like my body. and i said thank you. it was a moment. it was a weird/good moment. he just kinda held me and i leaned into him. we laid down and i was like "im gonna lseep on top of you!" and he laughed, and i said i had never slept on anyone before, so he was like "come closer" and pulled me onto him. so i slept there for a while, till i got uncomfortable, and i moved back onto the bed. he held onto me, i held onto him. he kept coughing. so he got up and got water, i went to the bathroom. at 6 he took a shower to clear his lungs (asthma) and came back to bed still wet. he doesnt believe in drying off was what he said to me once before. we got up at like 1115, he showered, i got dressed. we left, got coffee.. rode the F together, talked. it was good. i miss him like crazy. i really do. i said i would visit again soon. and i will.
so now im home.
im sad. i miss joe, i want to text him so bad. but i cant. not yet. i also miss brooklyn and my old life, and i wish i had some weed, cos i dont and lord knows when i will get some again.
kim hasnt called me back in like a week. i had
further seems forever
another long interval or nothing from me. sorry readers. i have broadband now, so i suppose my posts can become a little more frequent. we shall see. i am still without desk, so typing laying on my bed, which is like the anti-comfortable. i have to shower and eat before 9, and its presently 758, so i will try to keep this short, though im sure i will not.
well. first thing, is that i was talking to the awful boy last week, and he decided to tell me he met this *other* girl, this one lives in ARIZONA, who he has a really good time with.. which like stabbed me in the heart. brooklyn was too far, but arizona is managable? whatever. so i asked him if he could just never talk to me again, and forget me. he said he didnt think so, but that he would do whatever would help me to not be sad. so.. i guess that means he is ready to let me go. i havent gotten in touch with him, and it hurts a lot. a lot a lot. he wants to be friends, but i dont think we have a friendship. all we had was sex for him and love for me. nothing else. we cant, like, hang out. he cant talk to me about his long distance arizona via boise girl. i cant handle it. he breaks my heart. so we shall see how long i go without talking to him. its been 6 days. he is in canada now. he will be home friday. its been three months since the last time we saw each other. since the last time he lied to my face. part of me wants to hang out when he gets home, but part of me says fuck it, let go....
so. thats the deal with joe. ooh his name. yes his name is joe, and he is a motherfucker, if you ever meet him, which you could since he is always on tour, you should avoid him because he cheats on his girlfriends and he has no regard for human feelings other than that of his penis.
this weekend was good, though. friday i went into the city.. met up with twon at barnes and noble, bought the virgin suicides and this other book called look at me, which seems to have the same idea as, or at least similarities to, invisible monsters. then we headed over to virgin, he bought the urbz and some dvds. then we went to his apartment in crown heights. we got there at like.. 5ish, i would say. brian, his roommate, had a bong packed, and we started smoking at 5.. i hadnt smoked in a while, so i hit it twice, and i was good. drank some cokes, ordered chinese.. we watched soooo many movies.. um, school of rock, legally blonde 2, the girl next door, this is spinal tap.. we watched some episodes of the simpsons, i feel like there were other movies watched as well, but i guess not.. kim, twons fiance, got home at like 12, we had smores rice krispy treats that brian made.. yum. we smoked so much i swear my head was covered in fog by the end of the night. it was wonderful. twon went to bed at like 2, then kim went, then brian went, and so i was asleep prob by like 330ish. muy uncomfortable, the couch wasnt big enough for me, but eh. i woke up before 11 to some loud music. boo. so i got up and watched some tv on my own. then twon got up. we walked kim to the subway for work, got some lunch at the grocery store. he played the urbz for a while, i read jane and watched him. i showered, then we went into manhattan to meet up with gaston. we met him at the w in union square, then i went over to this bar on 19th called ora where my friend gabe is working now. said hi for like 3 minutes, then we headed down to little italy. ate at this place called sal's.. then we saw this installation art thing called the dream house, which i HATED. seriously, HATED. it was loud and boring, and gaston described it as laying in the womb of someone who is meditating, like 'ohm' but yah. there was this one frequency which really hurt my ears and i just couldnt enjoy it. you dont take uptight people to noisy places, ok? ok. so then gaston went to see this band, and twon and i got the R train up to times square.. went to chevy's, saw bart, baxter, jolynn, rebecca, gregg, jim, wendy.. lots of cats were there which made me happy. saw derek, and we made plans to go to smith's when he was done, so gregg cut him. twon and i went over to virgin where i purchased tony hawk underground 2, and then he went to get kim, while i waited for derek...
sooo derek and i went over to smith's and we are both on the wagon, but we made an exception. we caught up over beers.. neither of us got drunk, though i was slightly buzzed. we just talked and talked, and i told him *everything* cos he gets me. like reallllly gets me. all the details about work and life and joe and kimberly and my mom and the suicidal moments ive had lately. which have been numerous. and he told me about his play and how it went in texas, and about losing lots of money in atlantic city.. we were out for like maybe 2 hours, and then he asked where i was staying that night, and i said i was going home.. looked at the time, and i had just missed the 118.. next train wasnt till 255, so he said he didnt want me traveling at that time, and said i should go to his place. i was psyched, cos that meant the chances i would score were very high. so we hailed a cab and we got in, and we kinda hudled together cos it was cold and the driver YELLED at us! he said we had to put on the seat belts or get another cab, so derek goes "we'll take another cab!" and we did. so we cuddled in the cab and he kissed me. the whole ride was cuddles intermingled with kisses. we got to his place, went upstairs and he told p'scuse me to say hi, she meowed a bunch.. then he was like "im going to bed, are you coming with?" and i did. we got in there, and i hugged him and then we were making out, then our shirts were off, then we were naked and having sex. but its weird. cos like, i dont remember it. it was short. it wasnt particularly good, he really didnt make an effort to make me cum. at all. but then, sex with derek has always been being held all night for me. the sex part is inconsequential. i know hell hold me all night, and thats what i want. when he was done, he admired my tattoo, which he hadnt noticed before, even though i got it while we were having sex the first time around. he told me i look really good.. like my body. and i said thank you. it was a moment. it was a weird/good moment. he just kinda held me and i leaned into him. we laid down and i was like "im gonna lseep on top of you!" and he laughed, and i said i had never slept on anyone before, so he was like "come closer" and pulled me onto him. so i slept there for a while, till i got uncomfortable, and i moved back onto the bed. he held onto me, i held onto him. he kept coughing. so he got up and got water, i went to the bathroom. at 6 he took a shower to clear his lungs (asthma) and came back to bed still wet. he doesnt believe in drying off was what he said to me once before. we got up at like 1115, he showered, i got dressed. we left, got coffee.. rode the F together, talked. it was good. i miss him like crazy. i really do. i said i would visit again soon. and i will.
so now im home.
im sad. i miss joe, i want to text him so bad. but i cant. not yet. i also miss brooklyn and my old life, and i wish i had some weed, cos i dont and lord knows when i will get some again.
kim hasnt called me back in like a week. i had
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
yr so mean sometimes. i called you because you wanted me to. but then you were mad. i have no idea why. i could not have done anything to upset you. thats actually impossible. i called exactly when i said i would. i wasnt in a bad mood. i dont get why you were all snide comments, like "cool" to things that obviously were not cool. whyd you even call me back if you were mad and didnt want to say anything? i dont have the energy to constantly be prodding you to find out whats wrong. im a fucking mess. you know this. it doesnt make it any easier when i cant figure out why yr angry, whats wrong, why yr being mean. i get upset, and you push me away, you dont push to find out whats wrong, you give up and get mad at me. but i constantly have to find out why yr upset, and then do flips to cheer you up. i cant make myself happy, how the fuck am i supposed to make you happy?seriously, i cant keep doing this with my life. everything i do feels like nick all over again, me pretending i dont hate my life, me pretending im ok, because when i wasnt ok, he belittled me and got mad at me. and there i was, after he had made me cry, trying to figure out what id done to make him mad. forgetting i was upset, and coaxing him back into conversation, coaxing him back into being happy, while DYING INSIDE. this is me. i am the great sacrificer. ill pretend i have no needs, ill pretend im ok, ill comfort you.. and i wont think about how i feel. how i need to be making myself happy, and not forgetting to be happy, being something or someone i am not at that moment, just to stop the anger. i have been doing this for so long, i have been pretending im not upset and shelving my hurt to make others happy. I CANT KEEP DOING THIS.i ignored my own needs for eight years. i let someone play me like a fucking harp, while continually conceding my own needs, my own wants, for some postponed dream of wanting to be with me. this is nothing like that, but the scars of it remain. im torn between ignoring my own needs and making you happy, or meeting yrs and staying in the same miserable place in my head. and maybe this is the wrong time for me to have decided im not conceding anymore, but i cant keep postponing my big life change. for the first time in my life, i am being somewhat selfish. it doesnt feel good, but i know its right. you could never understand what is going on in my head. someone has fucked me up more than i have ever been fucked up before. someone has destroyed my faith in people actually caring about me. i need this time to figure myself out more than i need oxygen.because living like this isnt worth living at all.
Monday, November 15, 2004
well, yr just across the street, looks a mile to my feet, i want to go to you.. funny how im nervous still, ive always been the easy kill, i guess i always will.. could it be that everything goes 'round by chance? or only one way that it was always meant to be? you kill me, you always know the perfect thing to say.. i know what i should do, but i just cant walk away.. i can picture your face well from the bar in my hotel i wish id go to you.. i pick up put down the phone, like your favorite heatmeiser song goes 'its just like being alone'.. oh god, please don't tell me this has been in vain.. i need answers for what all the waiting ive done means.. you kill me, youve got some nerve, but can't face your mistakes.. i know what i should do, but i just cant turn away.. so go on love leave while theres still hope for escape.. got to take what you can these days theres so much ahead so much regret i know what you want to say.. i know but cant help feeling differently i loved you, and i should have said it but tell me just what has it ever meant? i cant help it baby, this is who i am.. sorry, but i can't just go turn off how i feel.. you kill me, you build me up, but just to watch me break.. i know what i should do, but i just cant walk away...
jimmy eat world
jimmy eat world
Saturday, November 13, 2004
*i wish to feel smaller under yr sheets, i wish for the whole truth every time you speak and im thinkin bout how you care half as much for me, while i watch you arise, smoke cigarettes, sleep. and i guess it doesnt matter what i say or what i seem, you stuck what i felt for you in the pocket of yr jeans, ignoring me the morning after isnt enough and i swear im gonna cry im sick of tryin to be tough and my blood wont stick to the confines of my veins and yr heart is gonna tear mine away... and i wish to feel smaller under yr hands though you seem satisfied as you slip mine down yr pants, and im thinkin bout how you care half as much for me while you lift up my shirt after asking politely, and i guess it doesnt matter what i am or pretend to be cos its her youll always love and its her ill always envy, i wanna end this now so dreams of you wont keep me up and i swear im gonna cry im sick of tryin to be tough and my blood wont stick to the confines of my veins and yr heart is gonna tear mine away... and its hard to find what i want when its buried beneath the biggest rock i could pay lots of money to help lift it with machines but im not sure youd cooperate, not sure youd come clean.. wish to feel smaller under yr sheets, i wish for the whole truth every time you speak and im thinkin bout how you care half as much for me, while i watch you arise, smoke cigarettes, sleep.and i guess it doesnt matter what i say or what i seem, you stuck what i felt for you in the pocket of yr jeans, ignoring me the morning after isnt enough and i swear im gonna cry im sick of tryin to be tough. yah i swear im gonna cry im sick of tryin to be tough and my blood wont stick to the confines of my veins and yr heart is gonna tear mine away, is gonna tear mine away..*
gregory and the hawk
that song is phenomenal. i dont like chick singers, but i def like that one a lot. plus i really identify with it, and its so well said.. it makes me feel. its on the cd gaston made me. im listening to it right now, though i dont really enjoy the cd. i had to listen to it to get those lyrics. and now the shins are on, and i am not opposed to the shins, so thats good.
so this is two in two days. intense, eh. so yah nothing is going on. i decided to be people free today. i ate dinner alone. i have been watching tv and listening to music. this makes me happy. well, no. im slightly lonely. i mean, not unbearable.. just a little. nikole has been texting me since like 5. she is so confusing. she tells me she wants nothing to do with me. so i dont message her all day or anything, and she like texts me, mad that i havent been in touch. or upset that something made her think of me. im like, if you want nothing to do with me, then you want nothing to do with me. stop texting me. stop trying to win me over.
talked to the boy last night via text. asked him how the west coast girls were treating him, and then said that east coast girls are way better. then he said he missed making me feel good. and i was like.. argh. i was feeling slightly playful but i didnt go there bc i must stick to some sort of convictions. the psychic said i had to set boundaries. thats my new goal. set boundaries.. that way i can meet my fate. woo.
my jaw hurts. i am opposed. i feel like its sort of stuck on the left side, and i am not enjoying that at all. im sleepy. im bored of my life. i need to be a new girl. i need to love myself. thats what im doing tonight. i had a nice meal alone. im chilling. im listening to music. i listened to a bunch of further seems forever before. it was nice, i enjoy fsf. esp the chris days. its like dashboard, but its not. intense.
i wonder if my mom is coming home. i want to smoke. but im afraid of her.
im going now.
gregory and the hawk
that song is phenomenal. i dont like chick singers, but i def like that one a lot. plus i really identify with it, and its so well said.. it makes me feel. its on the cd gaston made me. im listening to it right now, though i dont really enjoy the cd. i had to listen to it to get those lyrics. and now the shins are on, and i am not opposed to the shins, so thats good.
so this is two in two days. intense, eh. so yah nothing is going on. i decided to be people free today. i ate dinner alone. i have been watching tv and listening to music. this makes me happy. well, no. im slightly lonely. i mean, not unbearable.. just a little. nikole has been texting me since like 5. she is so confusing. she tells me she wants nothing to do with me. so i dont message her all day or anything, and she like texts me, mad that i havent been in touch. or upset that something made her think of me. im like, if you want nothing to do with me, then you want nothing to do with me. stop texting me. stop trying to win me over.
talked to the boy last night via text. asked him how the west coast girls were treating him, and then said that east coast girls are way better. then he said he missed making me feel good. and i was like.. argh. i was feeling slightly playful but i didnt go there bc i must stick to some sort of convictions. the psychic said i had to set boundaries. thats my new goal. set boundaries.. that way i can meet my fate. woo.
my jaw hurts. i am opposed. i feel like its sort of stuck on the left side, and i am not enjoying that at all. im sleepy. im bored of my life. i need to be a new girl. i need to love myself. thats what im doing tonight. i had a nice meal alone. im chilling. im listening to music. i listened to a bunch of further seems forever before. it was nice, i enjoy fsf. esp the chris days. its like dashboard, but its not. intense.
i wonder if my mom is coming home. i want to smoke. but im afraid of her.
im going now.
wow. remember me? ive been busy self loathing.
the story..
late october.. im looking at the boys myspace thing, and i notice that some girl left a comment "i miss you SO MUCH" and i read her blog and she was talking about HIM. it appeared. so.. i made up a fake myspace and emailed her and said i was in a similar situation and i was there if she wanted to talk and she told me everything and i found out he was sleeping with us both at the same time, and on aug 21, the day he spent his first night home from tour with me, he was texting her all day saying he wanted her. so. yah. i told her. and i told him i never wanted to speak to him again.
he somehow convinced me that we should be friends. so whatever, we are attempting a friendship, which works now cos he isnt here.. but i dont think we will actually hang out.
buuuuuut so this other girl, well she like develops a crush on me. and i kinda like her and we hang out and stuff happens and now im like.. i dont even know. im not a lesbian, nor am i interested in a lesbian relationship. but i dont wanna lose her, i like her. i dont even know what to do about it all. i dont want a relationship with anyone. at all. and i made a mistake by letting stuff happen and i was being a boy.
so basically im not happy with anything, and i dont know what to do about it. i dont think i have feelings for him anymore, but im so not over the pain, and right now i wanna focus on me, and doing stuff that makes me happy, and being alone and feeling complete. i need to live alone. thats what i really need, to be totally independent, to feel like i can just exist alone and free and without depending on others at all for anything. i dont know.
i. dont. know.
its really crappy, though. and i gotta figure out what needs to be done, and do it, cos this is draining, and i am still focusing on putting other peoples happiness first and ignoring my own needs.. which is the major thing that needs to change.
so. yah.
my stupid life.
the story..
late october.. im looking at the boys myspace thing, and i notice that some girl left a comment "i miss you SO MUCH" and i read her blog and she was talking about HIM. it appeared. so.. i made up a fake myspace and emailed her and said i was in a similar situation and i was there if she wanted to talk and she told me everything and i found out he was sleeping with us both at the same time, and on aug 21, the day he spent his first night home from tour with me, he was texting her all day saying he wanted her. so. yah. i told her. and i told him i never wanted to speak to him again.
he somehow convinced me that we should be friends. so whatever, we are attempting a friendship, which works now cos he isnt here.. but i dont think we will actually hang out.
buuuuuut so this other girl, well she like develops a crush on me. and i kinda like her and we hang out and stuff happens and now im like.. i dont even know. im not a lesbian, nor am i interested in a lesbian relationship. but i dont wanna lose her, i like her. i dont even know what to do about it all. i dont want a relationship with anyone. at all. and i made a mistake by letting stuff happen and i was being a boy.
so basically im not happy with anything, and i dont know what to do about it. i dont think i have feelings for him anymore, but im so not over the pain, and right now i wanna focus on me, and doing stuff that makes me happy, and being alone and feeling complete. i need to live alone. thats what i really need, to be totally independent, to feel like i can just exist alone and free and without depending on others at all for anything. i dont know.
i. dont. know.
its really crappy, though. and i gotta figure out what needs to be done, and do it, cos this is draining, and i am still focusing on putting other peoples happiness first and ignoring my own needs.. which is the major thing that needs to change.
so. yah.
my stupid life.
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
i really believed it when she said that this was a great thing coming from a bad thing. that everything does happen for a greater, better thing to come along. tricked again! not by her, i dont think, but by the powers that be. seriously, if there is a god, s/he *lives* to smite me. hey, look, somebody awesome is walking into yr life! haha, watch as they walk away. fooled ya!grrr.i dont even know why i bother with people anyway. didnt i swear i was giving up any type of feelings, cos i knew i would just end up hurt again? the story of my life. ....well, you took me by surprise, cos at first i thought you were just an amazing girl. and you turned out to be so much better than that.and i miss you.
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