Sunday, November 28, 2004
*go yr own way, ill be with you, make mistakes and ill forgive you, home is waiting here for you when you return*
further seems forever
another long interval or nothing from me. sorry readers. i have broadband now, so i suppose my posts can become a little more frequent. we shall see. i am still without desk, so typing laying on my bed, which is like the anti-comfortable. i have to shower and eat before 9, and its presently 758, so i will try to keep this short, though im sure i will not.
well. first thing, is that i was talking to the awful boy last week, and he decided to tell me he met this *other* girl, this one lives in ARIZONA, who he has a really good time with.. which like stabbed me in the heart. brooklyn was too far, but arizona is managable? whatever. so i asked him if he could just never talk to me again, and forget me. he said he didnt think so, but that he would do whatever would help me to not be sad. so.. i guess that means he is ready to let me go. i havent gotten in touch with him, and it hurts a lot. a lot a lot. he wants to be friends, but i dont think we have a friendship. all we had was sex for him and love for me. nothing else. we cant, like, hang out. he cant talk to me about his long distance arizona via boise girl. i cant handle it. he breaks my heart. so we shall see how long i go without talking to him. its been 6 days. he is in canada now. he will be home friday. its been three months since the last time we saw each other. since the last time he lied to my face. part of me wants to hang out when he gets home, but part of me says fuck it, let go....
so. thats the deal with joe. ooh his name. yes his name is joe, and he is a motherfucker, if you ever meet him, which you could since he is always on tour, you should avoid him because he cheats on his girlfriends and he has no regard for human feelings other than that of his penis.
this weekend was good, though. friday i went into the city.. met up with twon at barnes and noble, bought the virgin suicides and this other book called look at me, which seems to have the same idea as, or at least similarities to, invisible monsters. then we headed over to virgin, he bought the urbz and some dvds. then we went to his apartment in crown heights. we got there at like.. 5ish, i would say. brian, his roommate, had a bong packed, and we started smoking at 5.. i hadnt smoked in a while, so i hit it twice, and i was good. drank some cokes, ordered chinese.. we watched soooo many movies.. um, school of rock, legally blonde 2, the girl next door, this is spinal tap.. we watched some episodes of the simpsons, i feel like there were other movies watched as well, but i guess not.. kim, twons fiance, got home at like 12, we had smores rice krispy treats that brian made.. yum. we smoked so much i swear my head was covered in fog by the end of the night. it was wonderful. twon went to bed at like 2, then kim went, then brian went, and so i was asleep prob by like 330ish. muy uncomfortable, the couch wasnt big enough for me, but eh. i woke up before 11 to some loud music. boo. so i got up and watched some tv on my own. then twon got up. we walked kim to the subway for work, got some lunch at the grocery store. he played the urbz for a while, i read jane and watched him. i showered, then we went into manhattan to meet up with gaston. we met him at the w in union square, then i went over to this bar on 19th called ora where my friend gabe is working now. said hi for like 3 minutes, then we headed down to little italy. ate at this place called sal's.. then we saw this installation art thing called the dream house, which i HATED. seriously, HATED. it was loud and boring, and gaston described it as laying in the womb of someone who is meditating, like 'ohm' but yah. there was this one frequency which really hurt my ears and i just couldnt enjoy it. you dont take uptight people to noisy places, ok? ok. so then gaston went to see this band, and twon and i got the R train up to times square.. went to chevy's, saw bart, baxter, jolynn, rebecca, gregg, jim, wendy.. lots of cats were there which made me happy. saw derek, and we made plans to go to smith's when he was done, so gregg cut him. twon and i went over to virgin where i purchased tony hawk underground 2, and then he went to get kim, while i waited for derek...
sooo derek and i went over to smith's and we are both on the wagon, but we made an exception. we caught up over beers.. neither of us got drunk, though i was slightly buzzed. we just talked and talked, and i told him *everything* cos he gets me. like reallllly gets me. all the details about work and life and joe and kimberly and my mom and the suicidal moments ive had lately. which have been numerous. and he told me about his play and how it went in texas, and about losing lots of money in atlantic city.. we were out for like maybe 2 hours, and then he asked where i was staying that night, and i said i was going home.. looked at the time, and i had just missed the 118.. next train wasnt till 255, so he said he didnt want me traveling at that time, and said i should go to his place. i was psyched, cos that meant the chances i would score were very high. so we hailed a cab and we got in, and we kinda hudled together cos it was cold and the driver YELLED at us! he said we had to put on the seat belts or get another cab, so derek goes "we'll take another cab!" and we did. so we cuddled in the cab and he kissed me. the whole ride was cuddles intermingled with kisses. we got to his place, went upstairs and he told p'scuse me to say hi, she meowed a bunch.. then he was like "im going to bed, are you coming with?" and i did. we got in there, and i hugged him and then we were making out, then our shirts were off, then we were naked and having sex. but its weird. cos like, i dont remember it. it was short. it wasnt particularly good, he really didnt make an effort to make me cum. at all. but then, sex with derek has always been being held all night for me. the sex part is inconsequential. i know hell hold me all night, and thats what i want. when he was done, he admired my tattoo, which he hadnt noticed before, even though i got it while we were having sex the first time around. he told me i look really good.. like my body. and i said thank you. it was a moment. it was a weird/good moment. he just kinda held me and i leaned into him. we laid down and i was like "im gonna lseep on top of you!" and he laughed, and i said i had never slept on anyone before, so he was like "come closer" and pulled me onto him. so i slept there for a while, till i got uncomfortable, and i moved back onto the bed. he held onto me, i held onto him. he kept coughing. so he got up and got water, i went to the bathroom. at 6 he took a shower to clear his lungs (asthma) and came back to bed still wet. he doesnt believe in drying off was what he said to me once before. we got up at like 1115, he showered, i got dressed. we left, got coffee.. rode the F together, talked. it was good. i miss him like crazy. i really do. i said i would visit again soon. and i will.
so now im home.
im sad. i miss joe, i want to text him so bad. but i cant. not yet. i also miss brooklyn and my old life, and i wish i had some weed, cos i dont and lord knows when i will get some again.
kim hasnt called me back in like a week. i had
further seems forever
another long interval or nothing from me. sorry readers. i have broadband now, so i suppose my posts can become a little more frequent. we shall see. i am still without desk, so typing laying on my bed, which is like the anti-comfortable. i have to shower and eat before 9, and its presently 758, so i will try to keep this short, though im sure i will not.
well. first thing, is that i was talking to the awful boy last week, and he decided to tell me he met this *other* girl, this one lives in ARIZONA, who he has a really good time with.. which like stabbed me in the heart. brooklyn was too far, but arizona is managable? whatever. so i asked him if he could just never talk to me again, and forget me. he said he didnt think so, but that he would do whatever would help me to not be sad. so.. i guess that means he is ready to let me go. i havent gotten in touch with him, and it hurts a lot. a lot a lot. he wants to be friends, but i dont think we have a friendship. all we had was sex for him and love for me. nothing else. we cant, like, hang out. he cant talk to me about his long distance arizona via boise girl. i cant handle it. he breaks my heart. so we shall see how long i go without talking to him. its been 6 days. he is in canada now. he will be home friday. its been three months since the last time we saw each other. since the last time he lied to my face. part of me wants to hang out when he gets home, but part of me says fuck it, let go....
so. thats the deal with joe. ooh his name. yes his name is joe, and he is a motherfucker, if you ever meet him, which you could since he is always on tour, you should avoid him because he cheats on his girlfriends and he has no regard for human feelings other than that of his penis.
this weekend was good, though. friday i went into the city.. met up with twon at barnes and noble, bought the virgin suicides and this other book called look at me, which seems to have the same idea as, or at least similarities to, invisible monsters. then we headed over to virgin, he bought the urbz and some dvds. then we went to his apartment in crown heights. we got there at like.. 5ish, i would say. brian, his roommate, had a bong packed, and we started smoking at 5.. i hadnt smoked in a while, so i hit it twice, and i was good. drank some cokes, ordered chinese.. we watched soooo many movies.. um, school of rock, legally blonde 2, the girl next door, this is spinal tap.. we watched some episodes of the simpsons, i feel like there were other movies watched as well, but i guess not.. kim, twons fiance, got home at like 12, we had smores rice krispy treats that brian made.. yum. we smoked so much i swear my head was covered in fog by the end of the night. it was wonderful. twon went to bed at like 2, then kim went, then brian went, and so i was asleep prob by like 330ish. muy uncomfortable, the couch wasnt big enough for me, but eh. i woke up before 11 to some loud music. boo. so i got up and watched some tv on my own. then twon got up. we walked kim to the subway for work, got some lunch at the grocery store. he played the urbz for a while, i read jane and watched him. i showered, then we went into manhattan to meet up with gaston. we met him at the w in union square, then i went over to this bar on 19th called ora where my friend gabe is working now. said hi for like 3 minutes, then we headed down to little italy. ate at this place called sal's.. then we saw this installation art thing called the dream house, which i HATED. seriously, HATED. it was loud and boring, and gaston described it as laying in the womb of someone who is meditating, like 'ohm' but yah. there was this one frequency which really hurt my ears and i just couldnt enjoy it. you dont take uptight people to noisy places, ok? ok. so then gaston went to see this band, and twon and i got the R train up to times square.. went to chevy's, saw bart, baxter, jolynn, rebecca, gregg, jim, wendy.. lots of cats were there which made me happy. saw derek, and we made plans to go to smith's when he was done, so gregg cut him. twon and i went over to virgin where i purchased tony hawk underground 2, and then he went to get kim, while i waited for derek...
sooo derek and i went over to smith's and we are both on the wagon, but we made an exception. we caught up over beers.. neither of us got drunk, though i was slightly buzzed. we just talked and talked, and i told him *everything* cos he gets me. like reallllly gets me. all the details about work and life and joe and kimberly and my mom and the suicidal moments ive had lately. which have been numerous. and he told me about his play and how it went in texas, and about losing lots of money in atlantic city.. we were out for like maybe 2 hours, and then he asked where i was staying that night, and i said i was going home.. looked at the time, and i had just missed the 118.. next train wasnt till 255, so he said he didnt want me traveling at that time, and said i should go to his place. i was psyched, cos that meant the chances i would score were very high. so we hailed a cab and we got in, and we kinda hudled together cos it was cold and the driver YELLED at us! he said we had to put on the seat belts or get another cab, so derek goes "we'll take another cab!" and we did. so we cuddled in the cab and he kissed me. the whole ride was cuddles intermingled with kisses. we got to his place, went upstairs and he told p'scuse me to say hi, she meowed a bunch.. then he was like "im going to bed, are you coming with?" and i did. we got in there, and i hugged him and then we were making out, then our shirts were off, then we were naked and having sex. but its weird. cos like, i dont remember it. it was short. it wasnt particularly good, he really didnt make an effort to make me cum. at all. but then, sex with derek has always been being held all night for me. the sex part is inconsequential. i know hell hold me all night, and thats what i want. when he was done, he admired my tattoo, which he hadnt noticed before, even though i got it while we were having sex the first time around. he told me i look really good.. like my body. and i said thank you. it was a moment. it was a weird/good moment. he just kinda held me and i leaned into him. we laid down and i was like "im gonna lseep on top of you!" and he laughed, and i said i had never slept on anyone before, so he was like "come closer" and pulled me onto him. so i slept there for a while, till i got uncomfortable, and i moved back onto the bed. he held onto me, i held onto him. he kept coughing. so he got up and got water, i went to the bathroom. at 6 he took a shower to clear his lungs (asthma) and came back to bed still wet. he doesnt believe in drying off was what he said to me once before. we got up at like 1115, he showered, i got dressed. we left, got coffee.. rode the F together, talked. it was good. i miss him like crazy. i really do. i said i would visit again soon. and i will.
so now im home.
im sad. i miss joe, i want to text him so bad. but i cant. not yet. i also miss brooklyn and my old life, and i wish i had some weed, cos i dont and lord knows when i will get some again.
kim hasnt called me back in like a week. i had
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