Wednesday, January 30, 2008
ugh.
i'm starting to not enjoy my own company so much anymore. i'm bored all the time. i think i've seen every episode of law & order and without a trace. i'm tired. all the time. but i can't go to bed at 8:45. i have to stay up like two more hours.
i'm thinking i might not get to see steve this weekend. this doesn't make me sad, per se, but it makes me feel a little disappointed. he hasn't said so yet, but he said he had some things to do and he didn't know how they would end up scheduled. i figure i won't hear from him about it until tomorrow or friday. i can't complain, we have spent the last 5 weekends in a row together.. but. i can barely handle having to go 5 or 6 days without seeing him! it's wednesday now, so if i see him saturday i still have 2 and a half days before i can hug him and smell him and kiss him and just be happy in his presence. but if he's busy this weekend, then i have to wait 9 and a half more days. killer. tonight we texted a little about dress up day and we're going to go out for dinner with the $100 i won on a $2 scratch off. but i said i was excited, and he didn't respond. whatever. i can't get insecure, i know he likes me and if we don't see each other this weekend it is not the end of the world. i guess i wish he would invite me to the things he does with his friends. that would be nice.. but he doesn't. so i don't know. i mean, on sunday we talked about meeting my mom's cat and he definitely was like "bring it on" but i feel like i would want to meet some of the people in his life before he meets my mom. i don't know if we'll get there. what am i saying? it's been a month. obviously these things take time. and we're progressing. but i guess i just get discouraged when our text conversations are really tame and i say somewhat cute things and he doesn't. i'm stupid.
otherwise i'm just tired and pretty cranky. my back is hurting. i have to stay up for like another hour and a half. i want something to do. i have things to do, i could do a crossword or something. but it's not fun. nothing is fun tonight. i am starting to get into a bad place again and that could be bad. i'm thinking more and more about smoking pot. not that it would really help the situation. i'd still be bored, only i would also be stoned.
tomorrow is the lost season premiere. i will watch it with mike. so tomorrow night i will not have to be lonely, but it's likely i might still feel lonely even in the presence of others. what i really need is to get back into therapy. maybe i need meds. i don't like the way i feel. i don't like that i have a good thing going and i still feel really hopeless. i only feel good when i'm with him. what i need is to KNOW what he's thinking. i can hypothesize and i'm pretty sure i'm feeling good about what i think he's thinking, but who knows. i have to focus on the fact that he alludes to the future. that he told his sponsor guy about me. that he's spent the last five weekends with me.
i have a feeling that if we don't see each other this weekend, i'll get really insecure and hopeless. which would be absurd since he wants to have dress up day, and the other day said we should do more puzzles together soon. and he's the one who told me he would let me know about the weekend in a couple days. so. obviously it's on his mind. and maybe he'll try to schedule the weekend so as to have time to spend saturday night with me. maybe we will just have to meet up later than usual. maybe he'll come over here around 8 or 9 instead of having dinner with me.
ugh. i can't even think about this. i just want MY BED. i want my bed my bed my bed. i want to fast forward time and sleep. i just want to not have to think about anything anymore.
i'm starting to not enjoy my own company so much anymore. i'm bored all the time. i think i've seen every episode of law & order and without a trace. i'm tired. all the time. but i can't go to bed at 8:45. i have to stay up like two more hours.
i'm thinking i might not get to see steve this weekend. this doesn't make me sad, per se, but it makes me feel a little disappointed. he hasn't said so yet, but he said he had some things to do and he didn't know how they would end up scheduled. i figure i won't hear from him about it until tomorrow or friday. i can't complain, we have spent the last 5 weekends in a row together.. but. i can barely handle having to go 5 or 6 days without seeing him! it's wednesday now, so if i see him saturday i still have 2 and a half days before i can hug him and smell him and kiss him and just be happy in his presence. but if he's busy this weekend, then i have to wait 9 and a half more days. killer. tonight we texted a little about dress up day and we're going to go out for dinner with the $100 i won on a $2 scratch off. but i said i was excited, and he didn't respond. whatever. i can't get insecure, i know he likes me and if we don't see each other this weekend it is not the end of the world. i guess i wish he would invite me to the things he does with his friends. that would be nice.. but he doesn't. so i don't know. i mean, on sunday we talked about meeting my mom's cat and he definitely was like "bring it on" but i feel like i would want to meet some of the people in his life before he meets my mom. i don't know if we'll get there. what am i saying? it's been a month. obviously these things take time. and we're progressing. but i guess i just get discouraged when our text conversations are really tame and i say somewhat cute things and he doesn't. i'm stupid.
otherwise i'm just tired and pretty cranky. my back is hurting. i have to stay up for like another hour and a half. i want something to do. i have things to do, i could do a crossword or something. but it's not fun. nothing is fun tonight. i am starting to get into a bad place again and that could be bad. i'm thinking more and more about smoking pot. not that it would really help the situation. i'd still be bored, only i would also be stoned.
tomorrow is the lost season premiere. i will watch it with mike. so tomorrow night i will not have to be lonely, but it's likely i might still feel lonely even in the presence of others. what i really need is to get back into therapy. maybe i need meds. i don't like the way i feel. i don't like that i have a good thing going and i still feel really hopeless. i only feel good when i'm with him. what i need is to KNOW what he's thinking. i can hypothesize and i'm pretty sure i'm feeling good about what i think he's thinking, but who knows. i have to focus on the fact that he alludes to the future. that he told his sponsor guy about me. that he's spent the last five weekends with me.
i have a feeling that if we don't see each other this weekend, i'll get really insecure and hopeless. which would be absurd since he wants to have dress up day, and the other day said we should do more puzzles together soon. and he's the one who told me he would let me know about the weekend in a couple days. so. obviously it's on his mind. and maybe he'll try to schedule the weekend so as to have time to spend saturday night with me. maybe we will just have to meet up later than usual. maybe he'll come over here around 8 or 9 instead of having dinner with me.
ugh. i can't even think about this. i just want MY BED. i want my bed my bed my bed. i want to fast forward time and sleep. i just want to not have to think about anything anymore.
Monday, January 28, 2008
another lovely weekend. first off, i got to his apartment and he was cooking dinner! he made quiche and roasted veggies. the quiche was delicious! i thought it was sweet that he thought, "she likes cheese, and eggs, and broccoli" and came up with quiche. very cute. he loved the crossword i made him, but refused to solve it without first photocopying it and doing the puzzle on the photocopy. we watched some of deconstructing harry but ended up making out half way through. i was laying on the couch, with my head on his lap, and i turned my head up to kiss him, and we were kissing, and he would stop and just look at me. just looking. if i didn't know better, i would say the look in his eyes was love. or something like love. it wasn't lust or any other emotion that has to do with exactly what we were doing. it was just .. a look full of kindness and tenderness and all these really sweet emotions. it was wonderful. we went to bed and woke up around 945. he got up without me this time and went to get the times. while he was gone i made the bed and washed the dishes. he came back and had bought me juice! so thoughtful. we ate cinnamon rolls and drank coffee. we finished the puzzle with a little help from each other. listened to a bunch of music, and he made lunch out of bread and eggs. he like made a hole in the italian bread and dropped eggs in. it was delicious. listened to more music, watched shoot 'em up, which was surprisingly a good movie. then he was a little weird. i kissed him and he stopped, saying he was in a weird position, and then instead of fixing it, he just laid on top of me with his face like far away. so i could tell something was up. i finally asked what was going on, and he said he was thinking about drinking. he said that listening to the stuff we'd listened to brought back memories of drinking and being drunk and he wanted to drink. so i asked him what are all the things in his life that he's grateful for now that he's sober, and he began listing things. i was trying to cheer him up a little, get his mind off of it, and i told him that i thought i'd figured out my f5 tornado dream. i told him that i think that the point of the dream was that i feel safe with him, because the tornado was coming but i wasn't scared. i felt ok and good. he held my hand, but didn't say much. so i admitted that saying that made me feel vulnerable. he said that i have a choice, and that if i feel like vulnerable, like that i'm telling him secrets and he is treating me badly, that i have the choice to leave. he didn't mean it in the right now sense, he meant it in the long run. but i am a girl and all i heard was "choice to leave". so i got really insecure, and i told him i felt vulnerable because i'm always telling him that i have these feelings and he doesn't tell me anything. and he said "i don't tell you?" and i said "i don't know." so it kind of dampened the mood. the worst part was that he was leaving to go to a meeting and we didn't really have time to talk about things. i said "i know you think i'm hot. but honestly, that doesn't go far with me because i've heard that a lot, and mostly it was because i was naked, not because it mattered." i went and put in my contacts and i came back out and he wasn't talking. so i got nervous. and as we were leaving, i said "it's not just because i'm naked, right?" and he was like, squaring his jaw, and he said "what did i tell you yesterday when you put on yr pajamas?" (they were my regular fleece pants and huge long-sleeved weston shirt pajama combo) and i said "you said i looked cute" and he just nodded. so that was his way. i thought he was angry because of the jaw-squaring, but he insisted he wasn't. he walked me to my car and we said goodbye. i apologized for being a weirdo, and he said i had nothing to be sorry for, and that i need to learn to stop apologizing. so i left. and i called jan, convinced i'd fucked up. but we talked for like 45 minutes and she got me thinking straight again. so when i got home, i texted him to call me when he got home from his meeting. he called at like 9:20 last night, and he asked what was up. so i asked about the meeting, and asked if he felt better.. he told me all about the meeting, and how he felt much better because there was an old guy there celebrating 30 years of sobriety, and that makes him so much more hopeful. so he asked again what was up, and i said i had just wanted to check on him, and that after thinking about things, i realize that i DO know what he thinks and how he feels because he shows me. he said he was really glad i said that because he was worried that i really DIDN'T know. he said he has a hard time saying things, and that was something he'd have to work on, being able to tell me what he feels instead of just showing it. he said he needs to find a middle ground between saying and showing. i confessed that i'm really insecure, and i told him about the misunderstanding due to his telling me if i felt vulnerable i could leave. he understood completely, which was really nice. then he told me that he had called his sponsor back before he called me (he had called him while i was there, and that's who had urged him to attend a meeting that night) and had told him that we were talking about his feeling like he wanted to drink, and the first thing i'd asked was what he was grateful for. he told me he'd said to the guy "man, she's pretty good!". so that was a small way of letting me know how he feels. he also explained to me that sometimes he's going to feel like this, and that as much as i can help him to be ok, he's probably just going to have to go to a meeting. i told him i totally understood that and he seemed pleased. so he's obviously intending on keeping me around for a little while. i'm happy because we made it through our first little rough spot/misunderstanding and we were able to be honest with each other and work it out. i guess i'll always be insecure until i know to what extent he wants me in his life. i'm sure eventually it will have to come up, because this can't go on like it is forever. i get frustrated with myself because really i KNOW that i'm not a passing fancy, but i guess without having the security of a commitment i sometimes will freak out a little. but i do know how he feels. i know because he drew x's and o's around my puzzle, and because he looks at me like he looks at me. and because he cooked me dinner and baked me a pie. and from the text messages about not rushing and being lucky and grateful to have this opportunity. he might not explicitly state that he likes me, or that he likes spending his time with me, but i know. and for now that's good enough.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
ok so i'm definitely crazy for being insecure. he really likes me. and i need to get that into my head. it's so hard, because i have a really difficult time fathoming how such a wonderful guy could like me. like, what did i do to deserve something like this? could it possibly be my time to be happy??
there is a very slow pass to this relationship, and i'm actually really ok with that. we're maintaining this no sex boundary, though it gets tougher and tougher for me every time. especially when he's on top of me, pressing against me. it's good that most of the time he does that we have some clothes on. though there was some naked human blanket last weekend, which made me go crazy on the inside.
he has real intentions for some sort of future. he's genuine. tonight he called me, and we chatted for 20 minutes about the movies he nerflixed and saturday. he told me he caught the crossword caper and has remedied the problem of someone randomly filling in his puzzle in pen by photocopying the puzzle and leaving it on her desk. ha. i texted him after mike left to ask him if i was allowed to sleep over saturday night, and that led to a little bit of a coy war. the coy war was the indicator, as if i didn't have a thousand other indicators. i asked if i should bring pajamas, and he said that would be cute. so i asked if they should be regular pajamas, or.... just like that, and he was like "i don't know how to respond to that" and i was like "i'm just being stupid. i'll bring whatever." and he said he was trying to be coy, and blushing. so i said maybe i'd bring both and see if he was a good boy. he said that gave him a strange tingling sensation. so i said "wanna hear a secret? i get that tingling sensation when i just think about you kissing me. don't tell anyone!" so he said we should forget the coy war, and undertake a tingle war, and he might be extra bad so i could do whatever i wanted to him.. which led to me saying "whatever i want... hmmmm..." and he said "well i do have my boundaries of course. but pretty much whatever you want." and i said i had my boundaries, too, but that they were becoming harder to hold, and that i was proud of my extreme self control. he said "that's good. explorng those boundaries id the truly fun part. i'm a good secret keeper and once i prove it and earn yr trust it will really become tingly." i told him he was well on his way to earning my trust, and that the bigger challenge would be me earning his trust. he said "that may be true. but i'm much better than i used to be. can't wait to see if i get there!" and i said something like, i hope i'm earning his trust, and that i don't mind having to earn it. he said "yr going a great job. remember when i told you in bed that its gonna be even better someday? trust me when i say that." a reference to the future! and that he's beginning to trust me! and that he believes that someday he will really trust me! so i said i already trust him and that is usually hard for me to admit, but i feel ok about it. and he said "good. then we're on the same page. no harm in taking our time though. i think i'm gonna be super bad this weekend and see what happens..." so i don't know. definitely things are progressing. i'd like to know if this is exclusive, but again, don't want to make him feel pressured, or that i wasn't listening when he talked about his unsureness about making an emotional commitment. obviously it's something i have to earn from him. and i understand that. i think it's less him not KNOWING if he can make an emotional commitment, and more him being unsure due to his trust issues. and i can't MAKE him trust me, i can only show him that i'm worthy of his trust by being there, and being patient as i have been for the past month. and really, it's only been a month. i'd be lying if i said i wasn't falling hard for this man, but i'm still in control. i'd miss him a lot if he decided this wasn't what he wanted, but i don't think i'd be destroyed. i'm learning to keep my guard up, but to slowly let it down. for some reason i really trust stephan. i trust that he has good intentions. i trust that he is honest with me, and that we don't need to talk about things and where they are going in order to be on the same page.
ok i'm tired. i'm happy because i'm looking forward to the weekend. and i'm just happy in general. jan won't stop calling me "mrs. jones", which makes me giggle uncontrollably every time. it's the little things. it's feeling secure about something for the first time in a long time without having to KNOW. not that i always feel secure. but even when i'm being insecure, i still know. maybe it's time...
there is a very slow pass to this relationship, and i'm actually really ok with that. we're maintaining this no sex boundary, though it gets tougher and tougher for me every time. especially when he's on top of me, pressing against me. it's good that most of the time he does that we have some clothes on. though there was some naked human blanket last weekend, which made me go crazy on the inside.
he has real intentions for some sort of future. he's genuine. tonight he called me, and we chatted for 20 minutes about the movies he nerflixed and saturday. he told me he caught the crossword caper and has remedied the problem of someone randomly filling in his puzzle in pen by photocopying the puzzle and leaving it on her desk. ha. i texted him after mike left to ask him if i was allowed to sleep over saturday night, and that led to a little bit of a coy war. the coy war was the indicator, as if i didn't have a thousand other indicators. i asked if i should bring pajamas, and he said that would be cute. so i asked if they should be regular pajamas, or.... just like that, and he was like "i don't know how to respond to that" and i was like "i'm just being stupid. i'll bring whatever." and he said he was trying to be coy, and blushing. so i said maybe i'd bring both and see if he was a good boy. he said that gave him a strange tingling sensation. so i said "wanna hear a secret? i get that tingling sensation when i just think about you kissing me. don't tell anyone!" so he said we should forget the coy war, and undertake a tingle war, and he might be extra bad so i could do whatever i wanted to him.. which led to me saying "whatever i want... hmmmm..." and he said "well i do have my boundaries of course. but pretty much whatever you want." and i said i had my boundaries, too, but that they were becoming harder to hold, and that i was proud of my extreme self control. he said "that's good. explorng those boundaries id the truly fun part. i'm a good secret keeper and once i prove it and earn yr trust it will really become tingly." i told him he was well on his way to earning my trust, and that the bigger challenge would be me earning his trust. he said "that may be true. but i'm much better than i used to be. can't wait to see if i get there!" and i said something like, i hope i'm earning his trust, and that i don't mind having to earn it. he said "yr going a great job. remember when i told you in bed that its gonna be even better someday? trust me when i say that." a reference to the future! and that he's beginning to trust me! and that he believes that someday he will really trust me! so i said i already trust him and that is usually hard for me to admit, but i feel ok about it. and he said "good. then we're on the same page. no harm in taking our time though. i think i'm gonna be super bad this weekend and see what happens..." so i don't know. definitely things are progressing. i'd like to know if this is exclusive, but again, don't want to make him feel pressured, or that i wasn't listening when he talked about his unsureness about making an emotional commitment. obviously it's something i have to earn from him. and i understand that. i think it's less him not KNOWING if he can make an emotional commitment, and more him being unsure due to his trust issues. and i can't MAKE him trust me, i can only show him that i'm worthy of his trust by being there, and being patient as i have been for the past month. and really, it's only been a month. i'd be lying if i said i wasn't falling hard for this man, but i'm still in control. i'd miss him a lot if he decided this wasn't what he wanted, but i don't think i'd be destroyed. i'm learning to keep my guard up, but to slowly let it down. for some reason i really trust stephan. i trust that he has good intentions. i trust that he is honest with me, and that we don't need to talk about things and where they are going in order to be on the same page.
ok i'm tired. i'm happy because i'm looking forward to the weekend. and i'm just happy in general. jan won't stop calling me "mrs. jones", which makes me giggle uncontrollably every time. it's the little things. it's feeling secure about something for the first time in a long time without having to KNOW. not that i always feel secure. but even when i'm being insecure, i still know. maybe it's time...
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
feeling incredibly insecure tonight. i texted steve before to ask him if he wanted to get together this weekend, and he hasn't responded. that was like 3.5 hours ago. i know i really don't have anything to be insecure about right now, and that he likes me. BUT. i am.
monday we texted for a bit in the evening and he definitely likes me. i already summarized the conversation. obviously he is into what's going on. but i don't know. it's very possible that he's out with friends, or that he never got around to getting a new charger for his phone, since his battery was dying on monday night and he said his charger was broken. i don't know. what i do know is that there is no way he would go out like that, just ignore me. he's a good guy. i hate being so insecure. it comes with the not knowing, and the having no idea what he really wants from this. i'm pretty sure that when he's ready to tell me why he likes hanging out with me that it'll lead to a conversation about what this is and what it could be. and i'm guessing that's why he doesn't need to talk about it yet, because he isn't ready.
i'm working myself up over nothing, and that's a fact. i'll probably hear from him tomorrow or something. maybe. if not, i could always call him friday evening.. i don't know. i can't call him tomorrow because mike will be here. but yah. i also worry that he's not ok. that's a big part of it. i don't know. i'm stupid. that's the biggest fact available to me at this moment.
monday we texted for a bit in the evening and he definitely likes me. i already summarized the conversation. obviously he is into what's going on. but i don't know. it's very possible that he's out with friends, or that he never got around to getting a new charger for his phone, since his battery was dying on monday night and he said his charger was broken. i don't know. what i do know is that there is no way he would go out like that, just ignore me. he's a good guy. i hate being so insecure. it comes with the not knowing, and the having no idea what he really wants from this. i'm pretty sure that when he's ready to tell me why he likes hanging out with me that it'll lead to a conversation about what this is and what it could be. and i'm guessing that's why he doesn't need to talk about it yet, because he isn't ready.
i'm working myself up over nothing, and that's a fact. i'll probably hear from him tomorrow or something. maybe. if not, i could always call him friday evening.. i don't know. i can't call him tomorrow because mike will be here. but yah. i also worry that he's not ok. that's a big part of it. i don't know. i'm stupid. that's the biggest fact available to me at this moment.
Monday, January 21, 2008
in case i haven't mentioned this at all lately, i'm seeing the most amazing dude on planet earth. are we seeing each other? eh, whatever we are. he's still amazing. tonight he told me that he had left the pencils and ashtray in the shape of an X and an O. i had noticed the pencils were crossed but hadn't seen my puzzle yet, thus didn't make the connection. i thanked him again for straightening up my apartment before he left, and he said "well it's always nice to come home and have that stuff done. i'm into sharing chores and responsibilities. i'm lucky and grateful just to have that opportunity." so i said "it was really very nice, i couldn't stop smiling. to be honest, i'm lucky and grateful to have such a thoughtful and sweet man in my life as you. i really am." and he said "glad you feel that way. i feel the same. yr starting to get closer to an answer as to why i like hanging out with you. still not gonna tell you yet tho..." he likes me! he likes me! i'm dying to know exactly why he likes hanging out with me, but i don't need to know so badly. because i think i can figure it out. because i think that there is something very special and very amazing happening in my life right now. and i'm content to just let it happen, and to spend saturday nights bumming around with him, and sunday mornings in bed, and sunday days doing the times crossword. and all the while, feeling a sense of security, a sense of awesomeness.. a sense of something great. this is going to be something better than great. this is going to be the best thing that ever happened to me. please, let it be just that...
Sunday, January 20, 2008
let me just take a moment to reflect on how amazing the man in my life is. yesterday he came over at 630. we went out and got pizza. came back here, talked a little, laid on the floor together all cute like, and watched wordplay. we then did the friday times crossword together. so much goodness. i taped the completed puzzle into my paper journal. we played some dr. mario, watched the nets lose to the clippers, and went to bed. in bed he alluded to the future again, which i adored. still no sex, but i wanted him bad. it's been almost a month, and i'm very patient, but he makes it very hard to resist and remain patient. this morning we woke up at 930 and cuddled a whole lot. human blanket came out, which is my favorite. we finally got up at 1045, he made the cinnamon rolls and coffee, i went out and got the times. i came back and he had cleaned up the dishes in the sink again and folded the blanket on the couch. we did some crossword and then i had only an hour left until i had to leave so i decided it was time to cuddle some more. we laid on the couch and talked a little, i tried to get him to tell me why he likes hanging out with me, but he said "i don't think i need to talk about that right now" and i let it go. i'm dying to know. i want it to be something significant and big, but.. i don't know. when i had to leave, he wouldn't let me. finally i got up and got ready to go. he made himself more coffee and we said goodbye for like 10 minutes. i told him to leave some kisses behind for me. leaving was hard, mainly because it was early and i didn't want to go yet. but i went to am's baby shower and he stayed here for like an hour and half after i left because he had planned to go to his friends for dinner straight from here. i came home from the shower and this is what i found: kitchen clean, coffee pot washed and drying. blanket refolded and placed on the back of the couch. bed made. bathroom tidy, with towels folded nicely. Xs and Os surrounding my crossword puzzle. and my pillows smelling of gucci envy. it was amazing. he's the perfect man. the most perfect man on the face of the planet. a real keeper. i wish he was still here, but i realize he can't be. i want to see more of him, but i realize i can't. i want to know if it's ok for me to really fall for him. because at this point, i am. and i'm beginning to need to know what the future holds. he likes me. we talked about our dress up day, he alluded to the future, he CLEARLY likes me. but ... that whole non-emotional commitment thing. this is killing me. i'm trying to keep cool and not get too involved, but. i know it's only been three solid weeks, but it feels like forever and it feels so right. i wonder what he says about me to his friends. i wonder if i'll meet them. he made reference to us watching the super bowl together. i just need to hold out to the end of february. if nothing happens in regards to us talking about us before then i probably have full reign to ask. 5 more weeks. it's been four weekends in a row and he definitely still wants to spend the weekends with me. we'll see if next weekend happens. there are so many things i want to do with him. drive out to briermere farms and buy a pie, eat it while looking out at the long island sound. go to norway. you know. i get so happy just watching him talk about the things he dreams about.. his dream job of being a tugboat captain. seeing places in the world. he lights up. i want to make him light up. he brought me a ronettes cd to copy. he left that album insert with me. he has plans to see me again. obviously.
i'm falling head over heels.
this could be a disaster.
or it could be the best thing that ever happened to me. ever.
i'm falling head over heels.
this could be a disaster.
or it could be the best thing that ever happened to me. ever.
Friday, January 18, 2008
i'm seeing steve tomorrow! yay. i cleaned my apartment a little tonight. not in the mood to really clean it. i figure he likes me, he doesn't need to see my apartment sparkle. right now i'm extremely tired. i have to get up early tomorrow, i have a very long day. i am not excited about this prospect, but at least the insanity ends with cuddles with the best smelling boy in the universe. i really wanted to make him a cd of happy songs tonight but i'm too tired. i still have to make a list of my debt to go over with my dad tomorrow. argh. but i'll do that and then i will sleep. i have 19 hours left until i see my gorgeous boy. ok, he's not *my* boy yet, but i'm hoping it goes that way. i wonder if we'll talk this weekend. i really want him to tell me why he likes hanging out with me. i wonder if we'll actually have a coy battle. i cannot wait to see him. tonight we texted briefly about tomorrow, and i told him i was looking forward to seeing him, and he said "i'm looking forward to seeing you too!" EXCLAMATION POINT! yay!!! i got my hair cut today. i hope he loves it.
ok i'm lame. i have nothing to say. i'm too tired to go crazy over tomorrow right now. but i am psyched. cos i like him. like a lot!!!
ok i'm lame. i have nothing to say. i'm too tired to go crazy over tomorrow right now. but i am psyched. cos i like him. like a lot!!!
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
he's coming on saturday! YAY. i'm so deeply in adoration of this man. i'm going to bed in like 3 minutes. but we texted tonight, and we were joking around, and i said "i don't know why you like hanging out with me, but i'm happy you do!" and he said "oh i have my reasons, and they're a lot more meaningful than watching football, etc, as fun as those things are". so i said "because i'm a good kisser?" and he said "you are, but that's not it." so i said "because i cuddle good?" and he said "you do, but that's not it either." and i said "well then i don't know! because i listen well?" and he said "don't try so hard. it's not something i can explain via text. we'll talk sometime." EEEEE. i don't know what that means, but i'm psyched and i want to talk SOON. i want to know exactly why he likes me, and what this means to him. he said "meaningful"!!! it has to come up this weekend. this means too much to me to be like.. ok, he'll bring it up when he's ready. i will try my best to let him bring it up, but i have a feeling i will figure out a way to talk about things on saturday. in a good way. in a noncommital way. i am falling so hard for this man, and i have the highest hopes on the planet....
Monday, January 14, 2008
what a lovely weekend. what a lovely boy.
i'm pretty tired and i'd like to go to bed soon, but i must record my weekend since it's monday and tomorrow jan will be here. lately i've been worrying that someday my blog may disappear. since i only write it for me, this would be devastating. i wonder if i can somehow back it up...
anyway, i got to steve's at 7 on saturday. i made a lovely lemon meringue pie. YUM. i got there, we went out to pick up some tex-mex food in upper montclair. brought it back to his apartment and ate while listening to music. he played some guitar. we read a bunch of his favorite poems - sigfreid sassoon and ted hughes. we were going to watch behind the lines, a movie about sassoon, but it was too depressing so we watched a woody allen movie, play it again, sam instead. he was pretty distant and pensive all night. after the movie, we were laying on the couch in the dark and he was staring at the ceiling. i started to feel nervous. i didn't really know why, since when i came out from the bathroom he was laying on the couch and when i talked about needing a photocopy of the album insert for one of his records for my tattoo, he said he didn't know if the photocopy place downstairs was open on sundays, thereby making it known he intended for me to stay.. anyway, so he brought up that he was distant. and i said i'd noticed, but didn't want to pry. he told me that reading the poems and then turning on the movie brought back some weird things to him and it was heavy and on his mind. he said he was trying to be very honest with me, and thought he'd been doing a good job of it. he said he didn't want to talk about the "past traumas" but maybe he would tell me one day.. i told him that i was there for him, and that i will never pry about what's up. he seemed to like that answer. it was honest. i'm not a prier. but anyway we talked for a while, and then we got ready for bed. went to bed, and he was still distant. he didn't try to fool around or anything. told me that there is a lot of anxiety around bedtime sometimes because he has nightmares. i told him i wished there was something i could do to make it all go away. he said it wasn't possible, and i told him that it didn't stop me from wishing. i tried to get his mind off things by talking about ducklings, bunnies, and kittens. he told me he probably wouldn't fall asleep for a while, and i said i would probably be awake until he fell asleep... we were laying there, and i said "do you wanna hear a secret?" and he said "yes" so i said "i'm really happy that i know you again." he asked why, and i said "because yr awesome. you just amaze me. you always have." he didn't really respond besides to kiss me and smile. so i started to feel weird because he didn't say that he was happy to know me again or anything.. so i told him that i felt kinda weird about having said that. he said that i should feel good about it. i asked why, and he said i would feel good about it once i realized there were no consequences. i guess that means that i haven't scared him off. but it was still a little disconcerting to open myself up to him and have him remain closed. i got kinda weird about things and i was laying on my back, not cuddling. he had his back to me because previously we'd been spooning with me behind him. but after a minute he turned and wrapped himself around me. we eventually fell asleep. we were rudely awoken by random screaming outside at 530. took a while to fall back asleep. we woke up around 830 and he was pleasant again. he was very cuddly all night, and then again in the morning. we laid in bed for a while, fooled around a bunch. finally got up around 11. he bought a new suit saturday for work and he put it on for me. then he put on his favorite suit to show me. he told me we should have a dress up day one day. that made me happy. we walked to get the paper, he in his suit and me in jeans. it was cute. we went back to his apartment, made the coffee and cinnamon rolls. pulled out our crossword puzzles. we watched the colts/chargers game and did our puzzles, sitting together. when we took breaks he had his legs on me, laying on the couch. i really loved it. he kept explaining the game to me, calling penalties before they were told by the referees and being ridiculously adorable. he told me we were rooting for the colts, and that our favorite defensive player was #21, bob sanders. verrry cute. then we watched the giants beat the cowboys. made out a lot during half time. i think he was ready to have his evening to himself after half time, but i didn't wanna miss it having learned so much. he started to iron his new suit and shirts, and made himself a pork chop. he said that next time he was going to draw up plays for me, using X's and O's. so adorable! we talked a bit more, about how he has to do stuff even when he doesn't want to to keep busy and all the stuff that's important to him not having a drink. i told him that i admire him, and that i believe in him. i said "i don't know how much this counts" and he assured me it did. again i felt a little awkward about having paid him compliments and having none returned. i left as soon as the game ended because i knew he needed his time. also i was anxious to get out of there for fear of what else i might say to make myself vulnerable. i didn't want to go though. it was raining when i left, and that made me sad. i hate driving in the rain, and we couldn't have a lingering goodbye because we were getting all wet. i texted him when i got home to tell him, and i said thanks again for a great weekend, and sorry for any weirdness related to my insecurities. he said "i had a great time also. no need to apologize for anything. i would tell you if i thought you were weird.." so then i said something else probably like i made it in record time or something, and he said "well done! i'll see you soon. enjoy yr evening, you might have tomorrow off!" but i didn't. no snow day. boo.
so i don't know. i didn't bring anything about us up despite jan's urging me to do so for a couple reasons. first, he had heavy stuff on his mind and i didn't want to complicate it, having understood it when he said he didn't know if he was able to make an emotional commitment at this juncture. second, he made multiple references to the future. maybe not the distant future, but still the future. i had said i was going to have to stop eating so much pie if i didn't wanna get any more squishy and he said he would keep feeding me pie to plump me up for when he cooks me in soup. haha. when we were messing around i said something about myself and he said "well, we'll just have to practice together." he talked about future football watching (though the season ends with next weeks championships and then the super bowl in 3 weeks). he said perhaps one day he'd tell me about his past traumas. he talked about a dress up day. he got super psyched about my tattoo (he said it would be hot haha). he bought more of the cologne i love so much. he netflixed wordplay for us to watch together. he also mentioned my birthday as if cataloging the date so he'd remember (it's somewhat soon). and when we were driving to get the food, i told him that i'd told my mom about his relationship with my cat, and she'd said the real challenge was meeting HER cat, and he said "i'm ready, bring it on" or something to that effect. oh, and when we were doing our crosswords and watching football, his friend mark called, and it was cute because he was trying to get off the phone because he thought he was being rude, and i couldn't hear mark, but i could tell from steve's very short responses that he was asking if i was still there, and if i was right there. he was like "i'm busy" then "yes, and i'm being rude" then "like RIGHT here". so his friends know about me. but all of this still means nothing considering that i have no idea what his intentions are. i'd like to believe that we'll continue on for a while until he is ready to make an emotional commitment. i don't want to pressure him. this i keep repeating. but at the same time, i don't want to get strung along. i suppose that time will tell, and if time doesn't begin to give me any answers, i will make mention of the amount of time that has elapsed that things have been going on, and wonder aloud what his intentions are. he knows he can trust me, and i think i've done a great job of being supportive. i really care about him, and i know that to show this i have to allow him to have the self time that he needs to figure everything out. but on the other hand, i'm not getting any younger and i'd like to know if this is exclusive at some point, what our status is.. am i seeing someone? am i in a relationship? or is this a friends with benefits scenario? i don't feel like it's the latter since he holds my hand like constantly and is super affectionate. i wish we talked more during the week because that would make me feel more confident, but.. if this is what he needs, then i should let him be. i need to think of myself eventually, but right now.. i'm happy.
ok. it's 11. need bed. night!
i'm pretty tired and i'd like to go to bed soon, but i must record my weekend since it's monday and tomorrow jan will be here. lately i've been worrying that someday my blog may disappear. since i only write it for me, this would be devastating. i wonder if i can somehow back it up...
anyway, i got to steve's at 7 on saturday. i made a lovely lemon meringue pie. YUM. i got there, we went out to pick up some tex-mex food in upper montclair. brought it back to his apartment and ate while listening to music. he played some guitar. we read a bunch of his favorite poems - sigfreid sassoon and ted hughes. we were going to watch behind the lines, a movie about sassoon, but it was too depressing so we watched a woody allen movie, play it again, sam instead. he was pretty distant and pensive all night. after the movie, we were laying on the couch in the dark and he was staring at the ceiling. i started to feel nervous. i didn't really know why, since when i came out from the bathroom he was laying on the couch and when i talked about needing a photocopy of the album insert for one of his records for my tattoo, he said he didn't know if the photocopy place downstairs was open on sundays, thereby making it known he intended for me to stay.. anyway, so he brought up that he was distant. and i said i'd noticed, but didn't want to pry. he told me that reading the poems and then turning on the movie brought back some weird things to him and it was heavy and on his mind. he said he was trying to be very honest with me, and thought he'd been doing a good job of it. he said he didn't want to talk about the "past traumas" but maybe he would tell me one day.. i told him that i was there for him, and that i will never pry about what's up. he seemed to like that answer. it was honest. i'm not a prier. but anyway we talked for a while, and then we got ready for bed. went to bed, and he was still distant. he didn't try to fool around or anything. told me that there is a lot of anxiety around bedtime sometimes because he has nightmares. i told him i wished there was something i could do to make it all go away. he said it wasn't possible, and i told him that it didn't stop me from wishing. i tried to get his mind off things by talking about ducklings, bunnies, and kittens. he told me he probably wouldn't fall asleep for a while, and i said i would probably be awake until he fell asleep... we were laying there, and i said "do you wanna hear a secret?" and he said "yes" so i said "i'm really happy that i know you again." he asked why, and i said "because yr awesome. you just amaze me. you always have." he didn't really respond besides to kiss me and smile. so i started to feel weird because he didn't say that he was happy to know me again or anything.. so i told him that i felt kinda weird about having said that. he said that i should feel good about it. i asked why, and he said i would feel good about it once i realized there were no consequences. i guess that means that i haven't scared him off. but it was still a little disconcerting to open myself up to him and have him remain closed. i got kinda weird about things and i was laying on my back, not cuddling. he had his back to me because previously we'd been spooning with me behind him. but after a minute he turned and wrapped himself around me. we eventually fell asleep. we were rudely awoken by random screaming outside at 530. took a while to fall back asleep. we woke up around 830 and he was pleasant again. he was very cuddly all night, and then again in the morning. we laid in bed for a while, fooled around a bunch. finally got up around 11. he bought a new suit saturday for work and he put it on for me. then he put on his favorite suit to show me. he told me we should have a dress up day one day. that made me happy. we walked to get the paper, he in his suit and me in jeans. it was cute. we went back to his apartment, made the coffee and cinnamon rolls. pulled out our crossword puzzles. we watched the colts/chargers game and did our puzzles, sitting together. when we took breaks he had his legs on me, laying on the couch. i really loved it. he kept explaining the game to me, calling penalties before they were told by the referees and being ridiculously adorable. he told me we were rooting for the colts, and that our favorite defensive player was #21, bob sanders. verrry cute. then we watched the giants beat the cowboys. made out a lot during half time. i think he was ready to have his evening to himself after half time, but i didn't wanna miss it having learned so much. he started to iron his new suit and shirts, and made himself a pork chop. he said that next time he was going to draw up plays for me, using X's and O's. so adorable! we talked a bit more, about how he has to do stuff even when he doesn't want to to keep busy and all the stuff that's important to him not having a drink. i told him that i admire him, and that i believe in him. i said "i don't know how much this counts" and he assured me it did. again i felt a little awkward about having paid him compliments and having none returned. i left as soon as the game ended because i knew he needed his time. also i was anxious to get out of there for fear of what else i might say to make myself vulnerable. i didn't want to go though. it was raining when i left, and that made me sad. i hate driving in the rain, and we couldn't have a lingering goodbye because we were getting all wet. i texted him when i got home to tell him, and i said thanks again for a great weekend, and sorry for any weirdness related to my insecurities. he said "i had a great time also. no need to apologize for anything. i would tell you if i thought you were weird.." so then i said something else probably like i made it in record time or something, and he said "well done! i'll see you soon. enjoy yr evening, you might have tomorrow off!" but i didn't. no snow day. boo.
so i don't know. i didn't bring anything about us up despite jan's urging me to do so for a couple reasons. first, he had heavy stuff on his mind and i didn't want to complicate it, having understood it when he said he didn't know if he was able to make an emotional commitment at this juncture. second, he made multiple references to the future. maybe not the distant future, but still the future. i had said i was going to have to stop eating so much pie if i didn't wanna get any more squishy and he said he would keep feeding me pie to plump me up for when he cooks me in soup. haha. when we were messing around i said something about myself and he said "well, we'll just have to practice together." he talked about future football watching (though the season ends with next weeks championships and then the super bowl in 3 weeks). he said perhaps one day he'd tell me about his past traumas. he talked about a dress up day. he got super psyched about my tattoo (he said it would be hot haha). he bought more of the cologne i love so much. he netflixed wordplay for us to watch together. he also mentioned my birthday as if cataloging the date so he'd remember (it's somewhat soon). and when we were driving to get the food, i told him that i'd told my mom about his relationship with my cat, and she'd said the real challenge was meeting HER cat, and he said "i'm ready, bring it on" or something to that effect. oh, and when we were doing our crosswords and watching football, his friend mark called, and it was cute because he was trying to get off the phone because he thought he was being rude, and i couldn't hear mark, but i could tell from steve's very short responses that he was asking if i was still there, and if i was right there. he was like "i'm busy" then "yes, and i'm being rude" then "like RIGHT here". so his friends know about me. but all of this still means nothing considering that i have no idea what his intentions are. i'd like to believe that we'll continue on for a while until he is ready to make an emotional commitment. i don't want to pressure him. this i keep repeating. but at the same time, i don't want to get strung along. i suppose that time will tell, and if time doesn't begin to give me any answers, i will make mention of the amount of time that has elapsed that things have been going on, and wonder aloud what his intentions are. he knows he can trust me, and i think i've done a great job of being supportive. i really care about him, and i know that to show this i have to allow him to have the self time that he needs to figure everything out. but on the other hand, i'm not getting any younger and i'd like to know if this is exclusive at some point, what our status is.. am i seeing someone? am i in a relationship? or is this a friends with benefits scenario? i don't feel like it's the latter since he holds my hand like constantly and is super affectionate. i wish we talked more during the week because that would make me feel more confident, but.. if this is what he needs, then i should let him be. i need to think of myself eventually, but right now.. i'm happy.
ok. it's 11. need bed. night!
Friday, January 11, 2008
he invited me over tomorrow! he invited me over tomorrow! YAY!! i texted him earlier to tell him i cut him a present out of the newspaper. he responded later saying he can't wait for it, and asked what i was up to. so i said i was drinking tea, watching the nets, and missing his scent. and he was like "we need to spray a piece of tank top with gucci so you can pull it out when times are tough. or maybe the real thing..." and i was like "the real thing is preferable" and then he was like "we need to plan a time when you can smell me as much as you like. and maybe do some other stuff too.." so i said i was pro that and he asked how tomorrow was! he likes me! he likes me! he likes me! so we're gonna have dinner and watch movies and i'm gonna bake a lemon merangue pie! and i'm so psyched! i can wait to see him! smell him! kiss him! aaaah! he's so hot. i'm gonna kiss him straight away tomorrow. then i'm gonna smell him. and i might even coyly ask if he missed me. he's so awesome. i can' believe he invited me over tomorrow. i had given up. i thought he didn't miss me. but he wants to see me! he misses me! three weekends in a row! THREE WEEKENDS IN A ROW!!! in 18 hours i will be in new jersey, with the man of my dreams. so happy. he makes me so happy. just sitting with him. oh.my.god. he's lovely. he's awesome. he's amazing. he's adorable. he's intense. he's got the hottest tattoos. and those eyes. with intensity that sees through my soul. i can't wait to see him. i cannot wait.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
well, he didn't ask me to hang out this weekend. not that i was expecting that he would, but he didn't. don't know what that means. probably that he doesn't miss me, and he isn't dying to see me. that's ok. i should not let this mean too much to me. we did talk on the phone for an hour and 18 minutes last night though, so i guess that's a plus. he could have gotten off the phone much earlier. who knows.
so i don't know. i mean, i'm really confused. the thing is, when we are together, everything is awesomely amazing. perfect. i would actually go so far as to say perfect! he's so cute and sweet. even loving. but it's the time in between that really gets me to this weird place where i have no idea what's going on. he doesn't text or call me when we aren't making plans to get together. i know that he's in a place where he isn't ready for emotional commitments, but at the same time, i feel like... come on. are you interested in me when i'm not actually there? or does my appeal only come from seeing me in person?
i try to weigh what's going on. he made me a pie. he wore the super good smelling yet very expensive cologne. asked if i'd miss him if he slept on the couch. randomly kisses me. held my leg when we sat and read the paper. cuddled me all night when we were sleeping. held my hand when we were watching the movie last weekend. i don't know. these are all nice signs that show he likes me. but why am i out of sight, out of mind?
what has to happen, is i have to have the discussion with him. i have to be honest. i have to tell him that i could fall for him, and i need to know if this has potential or if i'm some learning experiment. i can't be the latter. and if that's all it is, then we should just be friends. because right now, i'm going to become entirely too invested in what is going on. and i can't let myself have feelings that will, once again, be unrequited. so next weekend i'll see if he wants to get together, and i'll ask him. i don't wanna ruin the weekend, so i'll ask him toward the end of it. but it has to happen. i am dreading this.
feelings are stupid. i think they should be set on fire.
so i don't know. i mean, i'm really confused. the thing is, when we are together, everything is awesomely amazing. perfect. i would actually go so far as to say perfect! he's so cute and sweet. even loving. but it's the time in between that really gets me to this weird place where i have no idea what's going on. he doesn't text or call me when we aren't making plans to get together. i know that he's in a place where he isn't ready for emotional commitments, but at the same time, i feel like... come on. are you interested in me when i'm not actually there? or does my appeal only come from seeing me in person?
i try to weigh what's going on. he made me a pie. he wore the super good smelling yet very expensive cologne. asked if i'd miss him if he slept on the couch. randomly kisses me. held my leg when we sat and read the paper. cuddled me all night when we were sleeping. held my hand when we were watching the movie last weekend. i don't know. these are all nice signs that show he likes me. but why am i out of sight, out of mind?
what has to happen, is i have to have the discussion with him. i have to be honest. i have to tell him that i could fall for him, and i need to know if this has potential or if i'm some learning experiment. i can't be the latter. and if that's all it is, then we should just be friends. because right now, i'm going to become entirely too invested in what is going on. and i can't let myself have feelings that will, once again, be unrequited. so next weekend i'll see if he wants to get together, and i'll ask him. i don't wanna ruin the weekend, so i'll ask him toward the end of it. but it has to happen. i am dreading this.
feelings are stupid. i think they should be set on fire.
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
you are the best one off the best ones
we all look like we feel
you have stolen my
you have stolen my
you have stolen my heart
dashboard confessional
it's true. my heart has been stolen.
but i have other things to talk about tonight. so i sign onto myspace before and it said mike has updated his profile information. i look at it, and he's in a relationship. this confuses me, as i have heard nothing about it. so i IM him to find out what's up and apparently tina has been pressuring him because they are still dating. ooook. but this somehow gets him asking about US. and the potential that we could work things out. that potential does not exist and i don't want to talk about it. but i have to. the honest truth is that i don't think we are in love, but jan says that's harsh. the facts are this: we were together for just over a year and a half. for that time, we were happy for like 6 months, maybe 7, but then when we moved in together, things rapidly fell apart. we each had needs the other couldn't meet. we made lists of things we needed to work on. neither of us could correct the issues, yet we continued to work on them for a year. we got progressively more unhappy until neither of us could do it anymore. but he still has feelings for me. we broke up in november 2006. i moved out december 3, 2006. that was 13 months ago. things are good between us, we have a solid friendship and that is great. but that is it. that is IT. i love him, but i'm not in love with him. i thin that when he thinks back on us, he sees the good stuff, the first 6 months when we were generally happy and everything felt right. but it could not work, and i think he has lost sight of that. we argued about this, because i wasn't prepared for the discussion, and i didn't want to continue talking about it while i had company. jan was here. i didn't really want to talk about it on AIM. but i also don't want to talk about it on thursday, so i'm not going to bring it up. i wonder if he will. often we decide we'll talk about things at another time, but then we don't ever bring it up. when it does come up, i don't know if i should tell him about stephan. maybe it's time. i'm moving on. i'm sorry if tina isn't right for him, but he needs to move on as well. ugh. this is more than i can handle right now. i'm feeling a lot of anxiety. it's not cool.
anyway. one tree hill season 5 premiered tonight. it was the anti-dramatic, which was a big boo. i'm hoping they bring the drama later in the season. they set it up, but failed to deliver anything that made me cry or feel intense. so that was sucky. they had two hours to make me feel something, and they did not. tears.
i'm starting to wonder about things with steve. he doesn't text me or anything. does this mean he doesn't think about me? or that he's trying to maintain space? jan said that i'm not texting him, but i'm thinking of him. i guess she has a point. i'm going to call him tomorrow to see how he's feeling and just say hi... i will probably have a lot of anxiety about making the phone call..... but i'll do it. i figure if i talk to him tomorrow, it will give him an opportunity to ask me to hang out this weekend if he wants to. or he can not ask, and that would be ok with me. it'll have been two full days since we talked. the last time we texted was sunday night. that means all day yesterday and all day today we had no contact. if i call him at like 7:45 tomorrow, it'll be like 72 hours! that's not like i'm smothering him or being intense. if we were moving more quickly, we'd talk more than every third day. heather said i should just text him tomorrow, but i don't know. i'd rather just call. chat. every time we talk it goes on for like an hour. and if he doesn't wanna talk or he's busy, he doesn't have to answer. i can simply leave him a message like "hey. i was just wondering how yr feeling. gimme a call back if you want, otherwise we'll talk soon." argh. i can't handle all of this.
i don't know what my problem is, but i feel like for the past day or so i have been thinking that nothing good is going to come of this whole thing with steve. this should make me want to distance myself, but i don't know. for some reason, i'm a sucker for a broken heart and i like to put myself in the line of fire. i just want something real for once. but i only connect with guys that have a path of resistance. i think there's something wrong with me. possibly this is just my brain being dysfunctional. it's possible that tomorrow we will have a lovely conversation. i shouldn't think so hard about these things. maybe i need to learn to go with the flow. but i went with the flow with tom and i landed in a rip current.
i can't handle ANY of this.
we all look like we feel
you have stolen my
you have stolen my
you have stolen my heart
dashboard confessional
it's true. my heart has been stolen.
but i have other things to talk about tonight. so i sign onto myspace before and it said mike has updated his profile information. i look at it, and he's in a relationship. this confuses me, as i have heard nothing about it. so i IM him to find out what's up and apparently tina has been pressuring him because they are still dating. ooook. but this somehow gets him asking about US. and the potential that we could work things out. that potential does not exist and i don't want to talk about it. but i have to. the honest truth is that i don't think we are in love, but jan says that's harsh. the facts are this: we were together for just over a year and a half. for that time, we were happy for like 6 months, maybe 7, but then when we moved in together, things rapidly fell apart. we each had needs the other couldn't meet. we made lists of things we needed to work on. neither of us could correct the issues, yet we continued to work on them for a year. we got progressively more unhappy until neither of us could do it anymore. but he still has feelings for me. we broke up in november 2006. i moved out december 3, 2006. that was 13 months ago. things are good between us, we have a solid friendship and that is great. but that is it. that is IT. i love him, but i'm not in love with him. i thin that when he thinks back on us, he sees the good stuff, the first 6 months when we were generally happy and everything felt right. but it could not work, and i think he has lost sight of that. we argued about this, because i wasn't prepared for the discussion, and i didn't want to continue talking about it while i had company. jan was here. i didn't really want to talk about it on AIM. but i also don't want to talk about it on thursday, so i'm not going to bring it up. i wonder if he will. often we decide we'll talk about things at another time, but then we don't ever bring it up. when it does come up, i don't know if i should tell him about stephan. maybe it's time. i'm moving on. i'm sorry if tina isn't right for him, but he needs to move on as well. ugh. this is more than i can handle right now. i'm feeling a lot of anxiety. it's not cool.
anyway. one tree hill season 5 premiered tonight. it was the anti-dramatic, which was a big boo. i'm hoping they bring the drama later in the season. they set it up, but failed to deliver anything that made me cry or feel intense. so that was sucky. they had two hours to make me feel something, and they did not. tears.
i'm starting to wonder about things with steve. he doesn't text me or anything. does this mean he doesn't think about me? or that he's trying to maintain space? jan said that i'm not texting him, but i'm thinking of him. i guess she has a point. i'm going to call him tomorrow to see how he's feeling and just say hi... i will probably have a lot of anxiety about making the phone call..... but i'll do it. i figure if i talk to him tomorrow, it will give him an opportunity to ask me to hang out this weekend if he wants to. or he can not ask, and that would be ok with me. it'll have been two full days since we talked. the last time we texted was sunday night. that means all day yesterday and all day today we had no contact. if i call him at like 7:45 tomorrow, it'll be like 72 hours! that's not like i'm smothering him or being intense. if we were moving more quickly, we'd talk more than every third day. heather said i should just text him tomorrow, but i don't know. i'd rather just call. chat. every time we talk it goes on for like an hour. and if he doesn't wanna talk or he's busy, he doesn't have to answer. i can simply leave him a message like "hey. i was just wondering how yr feeling. gimme a call back if you want, otherwise we'll talk soon." argh. i can't handle all of this.
i don't know what my problem is, but i feel like for the past day or so i have been thinking that nothing good is going to come of this whole thing with steve. this should make me want to distance myself, but i don't know. for some reason, i'm a sucker for a broken heart and i like to put myself in the line of fire. i just want something real for once. but i only connect with guys that have a path of resistance. i think there's something wrong with me. possibly this is just my brain being dysfunctional. it's possible that tomorrow we will have a lovely conversation. i shouldn't think so hard about these things. maybe i need to learn to go with the flow. but i went with the flow with tom and i landed in a rip current.
i can't handle ANY of this.
Monday, January 07, 2008
this is the first day of my life
glad i didn't die before i met you
but now i don't care, i could go anywhere with you and i'd probably be happy
so if you wanna be with me
with these things there's no telling we'll just have to wait and see
but i'd rather be working for paycheck than waiting to win the lottery
besides maybe this time is different, i mean i really think you like me...
bright eyes
glad i didn't die before i met you
but now i don't care, i could go anywhere with you and i'd probably be happy
so if you wanna be with me
with these things there's no telling we'll just have to wait and see
but i'd rather be working for paycheck than waiting to win the lottery
besides maybe this time is different, i mean i really think you like me...
bright eyes
seriously, i'm so crazy for this man. when i think about us and what's been happening between us, i feel like it's a dream that i'm going to wake up from any minute now. he's so amazing. i can't believe this is really happening. i can't believe that there is a chance, albeit a small one, that this could grow into something amazing. part of me worries that one day he'll tell me this is all too much for him right now, or that my transparency will betray my actual emotions and he'll tell me he doesn't think what's going on is fair. it'll be tom part 2, yay. ugh. but that's just a chance. we could continue whatevering for a while, and when he's ready he might want to commit. he asked me if he wanted to save the sigfreid sassoon movie. that means he's going to want to see me again soon. he asked me if i'd miss him if i had him sleep on the couch. HE SAID SUMMER. these are all really positive signs. but i don't get what i want. and, in fact, in this very blog i mentioned that "i didn't get stephan in graduate school" (october 22nd 2007). but now i sort of have him. sort of.
i'm really in disbelief. i'm doing what i can to keep this alive. i'm not being clingy. i'm not getting in touch with him every day. i will call him wednesday to see how his chest cold is progressing and maybe chat a little. i do not expect him to invite me over this weekend. i'm ok with that, he needs his space and i don't need to rush things. if this keeps going how it's going, he may feel more secure in his decision over time. obviously i can't continue things forever without eventually asking if there is a direction here, if we're seeing other people, if there is potential for growth. i may not have to have that discussion. i wonder how long he can continue doing this without wanting to finally make with the love. not that he doesn't want to now. but before he gives in to his desire. and i don't think he would give in without being ready for that type of commitment. but then tom was able to go 8 months without needing to have sex with me, and even then it was awkward and broken. some boys impress me with their ability to remain chaste. i figure it's been quite a while for steve, and he isn't jumping out of his pants. i'm ok with that. i know that if he were to give us a chance, there would be something amazing resulting from the opportunity. but then, he sort of IS giving us a chance. life isn't easy, this is obvious to me and i deal with it. nothing is free and nothing comes to you without hard work. relationships are hard work. fixing what you hate about yrself is even harder work. i know this, and maybe we can grow together before we entangle our lives. but they're already somewhat entangled. he told his friend he was coming here. i wonder what else he's told this friend. i wonder if he thinks about us when i'm not there. if it makes him feel good and smiley, or if it stresses him out. i don't want it to stress him out, which is why i am letting this take its own course.
it's the way he kisses me that makes me think this might be for real for once. maybe i'm just fooled by his passion and his intensity. but i don't think that's it. i'd like to say i know that this means something, but i thought i knew that i was in love with tom. i don't doubt that i loved tom, i know i did, but it wasn't going to be forever. eventually i would have tired of his neediness and his inability to fend for himself. steve can take care of himself. he can support me emotionally and lean on me as well. to be with him would be mutual, not my own insane need to save someone.
i wish i could articulate all the things i'm thinking to him. i wish i could tell him how this all feels like a dream i'm afraid to wake up from. like how amazed i am that this is happening. how unreal it feels that he actually likes me. these are things i'm dying to tell him, but i can't without risking pushing him away. and i can't risk that. part of me thinks that he would see this is for real, but it's not worth it. there are so many other ways for me to show him that this is a good thing without being so explicit. just caring about him and being supportive and showing that i heard him when he told me that he didn't know if he could make the emotional commitment that is requisite in a sexual relationship.
argh. i've been writing this for like an hour and a half, watching jeopardy!, talking to mike on the phone. and now i'm hungry. so i'll eat and i'll continue to try to wrap my mind around this amazing thing that's happening to me. a world of possibilities awaits, and i'm hoping for the best...
i'm really in disbelief. i'm doing what i can to keep this alive. i'm not being clingy. i'm not getting in touch with him every day. i will call him wednesday to see how his chest cold is progressing and maybe chat a little. i do not expect him to invite me over this weekend. i'm ok with that, he needs his space and i don't need to rush things. if this keeps going how it's going, he may feel more secure in his decision over time. obviously i can't continue things forever without eventually asking if there is a direction here, if we're seeing other people, if there is potential for growth. i may not have to have that discussion. i wonder how long he can continue doing this without wanting to finally make with the love. not that he doesn't want to now. but before he gives in to his desire. and i don't think he would give in without being ready for that type of commitment. but then tom was able to go 8 months without needing to have sex with me, and even then it was awkward and broken. some boys impress me with their ability to remain chaste. i figure it's been quite a while for steve, and he isn't jumping out of his pants. i'm ok with that. i know that if he were to give us a chance, there would be something amazing resulting from the opportunity. but then, he sort of IS giving us a chance. life isn't easy, this is obvious to me and i deal with it. nothing is free and nothing comes to you without hard work. relationships are hard work. fixing what you hate about yrself is even harder work. i know this, and maybe we can grow together before we entangle our lives. but they're already somewhat entangled. he told his friend he was coming here. i wonder what else he's told this friend. i wonder if he thinks about us when i'm not there. if it makes him feel good and smiley, or if it stresses him out. i don't want it to stress him out, which is why i am letting this take its own course.
it's the way he kisses me that makes me think this might be for real for once. maybe i'm just fooled by his passion and his intensity. but i don't think that's it. i'd like to say i know that this means something, but i thought i knew that i was in love with tom. i don't doubt that i loved tom, i know i did, but it wasn't going to be forever. eventually i would have tired of his neediness and his inability to fend for himself. steve can take care of himself. he can support me emotionally and lean on me as well. to be with him would be mutual, not my own insane need to save someone.
i wish i could articulate all the things i'm thinking to him. i wish i could tell him how this all feels like a dream i'm afraid to wake up from. like how amazed i am that this is happening. how unreal it feels that he actually likes me. these are things i'm dying to tell him, but i can't without risking pushing him away. and i can't risk that. part of me thinks that he would see this is for real, but it's not worth it. there are so many other ways for me to show him that this is a good thing without being so explicit. just caring about him and being supportive and showing that i heard him when he told me that he didn't know if he could make the emotional commitment that is requisite in a sexual relationship.
argh. i've been writing this for like an hour and a half, watching jeopardy!, talking to mike on the phone. and now i'm hungry. so i'll eat and i'll continue to try to wrap my mind around this amazing thing that's happening to me. a world of possibilities awaits, and i'm hoping for the best...
Sunday, January 06, 2008
let's be honest here. i'm crazy about this boy. 100% smitten. another amazing weekend. he came here yesterday, i made dinner. baked ziti and salad! we burned the garlic bread, it was funny. the dinner was great. he baked me a pie. a pecan pie. it was delicious. we were listening to my itunes on shuffle while eating, and his band came on. i was so embarrassed. but he laughed about it, and told me not to skip it. we made coffee and i forgot to put the cup in that the filter goes inside of.. so there was coffee all over the counter. we redid it, but it was way too much grinds, like sludge. so we had to make it a third time. we laughed a lot about this. we played dr. mario, watched the fourth quarter of the nets game (they won!), and then watched a perfect world. it was after 1am, and he asked if he was allowed to stay over. i said of course, but he'd have to sleep on the couch. i told him i was kidding, and i asked if he'd be ok with that. he said "i'd be fine with it, but i wouldn't prefer it." then he asked me if i would miss him if he slept on the couch. was this a glimpse of what we might become? that he has burgeoning feelings for me? we talked a lot, very funny conversations. he told me about how hard it is to find a good barber.. he said "i mean, you can't really go into a barber shop and expect them to understand when you say 'i want to look like morrissey.'" so cute. he also told me he'd washed his hair for that night. another glimpse? i reel. he wasn't kissing me, and i couldn't take it anymore, so i kissed him. amazing kisses. we went to bed, and i asked him if he wasn't kissing me so i would have to make the first move (last weekend i had admitted that i'm terrified of making first moves) and he said "the thought crossed my mind" in a very coy way. i think it's super cute that he did that. makes me think he's trying to help me grow. only i solely want to grow with him. this morning i woke up at 7 because i had to pee, and i was cold when i came back so he wrapped himself around me and said he was warming me up. all night we cuddled. there wasn't one time i woke up and we weren't entangled. we woke up at 9, and he said "we overslept! time to get up!" which made me laugh a lot. we fell back asleep until about 10, then we laid in bed cuddling and kissing until 11. we got up, he made coffee and cinnamon rolls, i went to 7-11 to get two new york times and when i came back he had loaded all of the dishes in the sink into the dishwasher. we spent 2 hours on the couch, leaning on each other, legs entwined, each doing our own crossword. we played dr. mario for another hour and a half. came back to the couch, cuddled and crossworded, watched the second half of the giants game. i told him that i would nominate him for best smelling man on the entire planet. and then i would campaign vigorously for his candidacy. i told him he could have a sash, and he'd have to make a speech. he asked if he could have a tiara. i explained that there are probably something like 2.9 billion men in the world, and that most of them probably don't smell that good, but that there are probably a couple million that smell ok. and that he smells better than any of them, ever. then it was 4:30, and he said he should go. i packed him up some leftovers. while i was in the bathroom, he washed out the coffee pot and did the miscellaneous dishes that were in the sink. what a catch! i walked him to his car, and it took us about 5 minutes to say goodbye. neither of us seemed particularly rushed for him to go. right before he left, i said "hey, so.. first weekend of 2008, pretty awesome!" and he agreed. he left the coffee here, which to me signals he'll be coming back. he and kasha got along brilliantly, and she spent more time in his lap than in mine (!!). i missed him immediately, but not in that needy, inseparable, unwhole type of way. the way that you just sort of would rather the person still be there. it's a good feeling. he texted me when he got home, and i thanked him for another awesome weekend. he agreed and said we'll do it again soon. i told him i would hold him to that.
so jan came over to get the details and watch one tree hill season 4. we ate pecan pie, she loved it, and i texted him to let him know. she said next time, she requests cherry pie. he replied that he'd never made that before, but just wait till summer for peach pie. with homemade crust. HE SAID SUMMER! that's like, 6 months away. and he is talking about making peach pie. in the SUMMER. i'm elated. i bet he thought nothing of that comment, it was just a thing he said without thinking of the implications it would have in my brain about maybe by summer we'd be seeing each other more often and he'd still be making me pie and.. and the possibilities. i can't let that go to my head, because i really would. i would be planning our wedding.
jan says she wouldn't be surprised if he took next weekend off. i guess i wouldn't be surprised, either. there is nothing serious going on here, and he has stated that he isn't sure that he is able to make an emotional commitment. i'd be ok if he didn't invite me to hang out next weekend, but i'd miss him a lot.
here's the thing: being with him feels natural. there is nothing better, nothing easier. sitting on the couch together, doing crosswords.. it just feels right. like it's the way it should be. the way we lean into each other, and he puts his arm around my leg and his foot on my foot. the way we just sit and talk, and he'll sporadically kiss me. on the shoulder, on the neck, on the mouth. he is an amazing kisser. the past two sundays have been the most perfect days ever.
i didn't ask him about any potential for growth. it crossed my mind a few times, but it never felt right. i don't want to push him, nor do i want him to feel pushed. i can live with the way things are now. i feel like if i were to betray that i had feelings for him that were progressing more rapidly than he could handle, he would tell me. i don't think he would string me along. he's not the type and i don't think he would ever intentionally hurt me. it will be impossible for me to not betray these emotions at some point. but at this point, those emotions are not present. i just like this. i like him. i don't have an intense need for him to be more than he can be to me. i'd like it, yes, but i'm still in the stage where i can handle everything just the way it is.
the fact of the matter is he likes me. this is obvious. as much as i have a hard time believing that he could really, truly like me, he does. it may not be glittering intense love, but there is something there and it could grow into something beautiful. if he didn't like me, he wouldn't be so tender. he wouldn't look at me with such a look of sincerity. he wouldn't have wanted to come out and spend the night with me. he wouldn't have asked if i'd miss him if he slept on the sofa. he wouldn't have baked me a pie. he wouldn't kiss me so sweetly with no intentions of moving to another level of physicality in that moment. he'd have stayed home and battled his chest cold alone. he wouldn't have mentioned summer. he wouldn't have taken a chance on me. these are glaringly obvious facts that my psyche can't deny, as much as it is in disbelief. and right now i am content to accept that he does like me, and that it may not grow into what i'd like it to, but that right now it's awesome.
and on that note, i need sleep. so i can hopefully have sweet dreams of the most gorgeous man i know being here with me. and how sweet those dreams might be...
so jan came over to get the details and watch one tree hill season 4. we ate pecan pie, she loved it, and i texted him to let him know. she said next time, she requests cherry pie. he replied that he'd never made that before, but just wait till summer for peach pie. with homemade crust. HE SAID SUMMER! that's like, 6 months away. and he is talking about making peach pie. in the SUMMER. i'm elated. i bet he thought nothing of that comment, it was just a thing he said without thinking of the implications it would have in my brain about maybe by summer we'd be seeing each other more often and he'd still be making me pie and.. and the possibilities. i can't let that go to my head, because i really would. i would be planning our wedding.
jan says she wouldn't be surprised if he took next weekend off. i guess i wouldn't be surprised, either. there is nothing serious going on here, and he has stated that he isn't sure that he is able to make an emotional commitment. i'd be ok if he didn't invite me to hang out next weekend, but i'd miss him a lot.
here's the thing: being with him feels natural. there is nothing better, nothing easier. sitting on the couch together, doing crosswords.. it just feels right. like it's the way it should be. the way we lean into each other, and he puts his arm around my leg and his foot on my foot. the way we just sit and talk, and he'll sporadically kiss me. on the shoulder, on the neck, on the mouth. he is an amazing kisser. the past two sundays have been the most perfect days ever.
i didn't ask him about any potential for growth. it crossed my mind a few times, but it never felt right. i don't want to push him, nor do i want him to feel pushed. i can live with the way things are now. i feel like if i were to betray that i had feelings for him that were progressing more rapidly than he could handle, he would tell me. i don't think he would string me along. he's not the type and i don't think he would ever intentionally hurt me. it will be impossible for me to not betray these emotions at some point. but at this point, those emotions are not present. i just like this. i like him. i don't have an intense need for him to be more than he can be to me. i'd like it, yes, but i'm still in the stage where i can handle everything just the way it is.
the fact of the matter is he likes me. this is obvious. as much as i have a hard time believing that he could really, truly like me, he does. it may not be glittering intense love, but there is something there and it could grow into something beautiful. if he didn't like me, he wouldn't be so tender. he wouldn't look at me with such a look of sincerity. he wouldn't have wanted to come out and spend the night with me. he wouldn't have asked if i'd miss him if he slept on the sofa. he wouldn't have baked me a pie. he wouldn't kiss me so sweetly with no intentions of moving to another level of physicality in that moment. he'd have stayed home and battled his chest cold alone. he wouldn't have mentioned summer. he wouldn't have taken a chance on me. these are glaringly obvious facts that my psyche can't deny, as much as it is in disbelief. and right now i am content to accept that he does like me, and that it may not grow into what i'd like it to, but that right now it's awesome.
and on that note, i need sleep. so i can hopefully have sweet dreams of the most gorgeous man i know being here with me. and how sweet those dreams might be...
Saturday, January 05, 2008
he's coming over tomorrow! i'm making baked ziti! we're gonna watch movies! he's gonna play with kasha! we talked on the phone for an hour again tonight!! i am very excited. he warned me that he was going to be spending a lot of time with the kitty. that's ok. as long as he comes back to me eventually. i want him to stay over tomorrow night. i wonder if that is his intention. i'm buying some cinnamon rolls just in case. maybe that will convince him if he's thinking about leaving. we can read the paper together again!! eeeeeeeee. i don't want to get too psyched for it, but i really do want him to stay. i washed my sheets and everything. i did so much laundry tonight and i did some basic cleaning. tomorrow i have to finish vacuuming, clean the bathroom, and clean the kitchen. i also have to go to the grocery store and to cvs. i need hangers. i'm so tired. i was hoping to talk to jan tonight but i dunno if she's gonna come online. it's already past 12 and she's not a late night lady. i really want him to stay over tomorrrrrrow. i'm obsessing. he's coming over between 5 and 6. he can't leave. we have two movies to watch, we have to eat, and he has to play with kasha like intense amounts. like i said, he already warned me that he's going to be laying on the floor with her a lot. even more reason for me to vacuum. argh. i did my room already. i have to move the coffee table and stuff also. and make the ziti before he gets here. it's gonna be intense!
on that note, goooodnight!
on that note, goooodnight!
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
i'm having some major anxiety right now. i don't like it. not even a little. but i guess that's part of being me. i haven't had anxiety since things were going badly with tom. maybe this is a sign. but i'm not going to take it as one. i'm nervous because i'm going to invite steve over this weekend and i guess i'm afraid he will decline. but i'm not nervous enough to warrant an anxiety attack.
i am extremely tired right now. very sleepy. i think i slept for like 3 hours last night, but i can't tell. sometimes i was sure i'd been asleep for a little, but i couldn't tell if time had just passed that quickly. either way, i was prone to making very childish sleepy noises all day today and i'm looking forward to getting ready for bed in about 15 minutes. i'm in the middle of a cigarette and i feel like i require one more before i can actually start the bedtime process.
ugh. i don't know why my stomach is a disaster. i can't stand it.
big nets win tonight! they beat the 3rd best offensive team in the league, which is a big deal since they have been sucking. during the first half, i was convinced that the game was going to go badly, but they really picked it up, recovering from a double digit deficit. nice job boys! even though my basketball boyfriend, sean williams, fouled out. it's ok. i still love him. he was definitely off tonight, but he's so adorable. let's go #51!!!
ok i'm going to smoke this last butt and finish max barry's company before heading off the sleepytown. night!
i am extremely tired right now. very sleepy. i think i slept for like 3 hours last night, but i can't tell. sometimes i was sure i'd been asleep for a little, but i couldn't tell if time had just passed that quickly. either way, i was prone to making very childish sleepy noises all day today and i'm looking forward to getting ready for bed in about 15 minutes. i'm in the middle of a cigarette and i feel like i require one more before i can actually start the bedtime process.
ugh. i don't know why my stomach is a disaster. i can't stand it.
big nets win tonight! they beat the 3rd best offensive team in the league, which is a big deal since they have been sucking. during the first half, i was convinced that the game was going to go badly, but they really picked it up, recovering from a double digit deficit. nice job boys! even though my basketball boyfriend, sean williams, fouled out. it's ok. i still love him. he was definitely off tonight, but he's so adorable. let's go #51!!!
ok i'm going to smoke this last butt and finish max barry's company before heading off the sleepytown. night!
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
still having intense emotions in regards to steve. i don't foresee an end to this. i'm ok with that. i like this feeling. we texted for 2 hours today. we talked about writing and 2007 and issues we have. he suggested i write a letter of appreciation to 2007. i thought about it, and i did. in my regular journal. because as sucky as 2007 was, i learned a lot and i do have things to be thankful for. i learned to let go. i learned to let myself feel emotions i had been closed to for quite some time. but at this moment, what i am most thankful for from 2007 is reconnecting with the man of my dreams. and having him be interested in me.
kasha is snoring. it's cute!
so earlier, when we were texting, i said that 2008 is going to be rad. he said "yeah, it looks like 2008 has a lot of potential..." i am choosing to believe that those ellipses means that there is potential for US. because i am having a new positive outlook in 2008. i feel like ellipses always have a secret, cryptic meaning behind them. when we talked a little while ago (ok, texted), he ended it with "talk to you later..." more ellipses!
i'm smoking entirely too many cigarettes today.
i'm having a lot of trouble thinking about anything other than the man of my dreams. wondering if he is ever thinking of me. thinking of the potential of an us. i'm not rushing this. i want things to happen as they happen. i will not pressure this boy. that would be antithetical to my cause. which is, of course, to be with him. i feel potential. and i think that's really all that matters at this point. the potential.
i want to see him. i don't miss him, i just want him to be here with me. i could have to get through three more days before i see him, or i could have to go through ten more. and if it's the ten, i'll probably have my period, which would ruin everything. so i'm really hoping he'll come out this weekend. we could go see the movie he wants to see, there will be blood or something. we could sing karaoke competitively. we could make out. a lot.
i read a lot about scorpios. i found this quite amusing because he is THE scorpion. it even talks about the intense eyes of the scorpion, which is something i go on and on about. his eyes. they see through you. the most intense gaze i have ever met. captivating. apparently they are the most passionate and sensual sign as well. this, too, is very true. everything i have experienced with him has been incredible so far. i can only imagine the next step and what that would be like. but i'm not racing toward that. i would love it, i'm sure, but i am in no rush. things can move at a snail's pace if that means that we could have a future together.
i'm so tired. i don't know why, i only woke up like 11.5 hours ago. i need sleep soon. i have to go back to dreaded work tomorrow! lindsay is calling me tomorrow at 7 to make sure i wake up. i'm pretty sure that i'm going to go to bed in a few minutes. if i have to lay there all night, so be it. i just want my bed. i just want sleep. that's all. because if i'm sleeping, i don't have to obsess over this boy. i don't mind obsessing over him. but i don't want to get consumed. also, i want to wake up in the morning.
ok, goodnight!!!! happy 2008!!!!!
kasha is snoring. it's cute!
so earlier, when we were texting, i said that 2008 is going to be rad. he said "yeah, it looks like 2008 has a lot of potential..." i am choosing to believe that those ellipses means that there is potential for US. because i am having a new positive outlook in 2008. i feel like ellipses always have a secret, cryptic meaning behind them. when we talked a little while ago (ok, texted), he ended it with "talk to you later..." more ellipses!
i'm smoking entirely too many cigarettes today.
i'm having a lot of trouble thinking about anything other than the man of my dreams. wondering if he is ever thinking of me. thinking of the potential of an us. i'm not rushing this. i want things to happen as they happen. i will not pressure this boy. that would be antithetical to my cause. which is, of course, to be with him. i feel potential. and i think that's really all that matters at this point. the potential.
i want to see him. i don't miss him, i just want him to be here with me. i could have to get through three more days before i see him, or i could have to go through ten more. and if it's the ten, i'll probably have my period, which would ruin everything. so i'm really hoping he'll come out this weekend. we could go see the movie he wants to see, there will be blood or something. we could sing karaoke competitively. we could make out. a lot.
i read a lot about scorpios. i found this quite amusing because he is THE scorpion. it even talks about the intense eyes of the scorpion, which is something i go on and on about. his eyes. they see through you. the most intense gaze i have ever met. captivating. apparently they are the most passionate and sensual sign as well. this, too, is very true. everything i have experienced with him has been incredible so far. i can only imagine the next step and what that would be like. but i'm not racing toward that. i would love it, i'm sure, but i am in no rush. things can move at a snail's pace if that means that we could have a future together.
i'm so tired. i don't know why, i only woke up like 11.5 hours ago. i need sleep soon. i have to go back to dreaded work tomorrow! lindsay is calling me tomorrow at 7 to make sure i wake up. i'm pretty sure that i'm going to go to bed in a few minutes. if i have to lay there all night, so be it. i just want my bed. i just want sleep. that's all. because if i'm sleeping, i don't have to obsess over this boy. i don't mind obsessing over him. but i don't want to get consumed. also, i want to wake up in the morning.
ok, goodnight!!!! happy 2008!!!!!
so this is the new year. and i don't feel any different. the clanking of crystal. explosions off in the distance.. in the distance.
death cab for cutie
so here i am, 2008. my back hurts. my cat is curled up beside me. i'm thinking of a boy. a very cute boy. a boy who makes my heart race a little. i will text him thursday. i'll say i'm thinking about trying my hand at the whole fresh tortellini recipe i read about in the times. and i'll invite him over to eat it with me. he will probably decline, as we just saw each other last weekend, and he isn't dying to get involved with me or probably give me the wrong idea. but i have that stupid thing called hope, and i figure it's better to try and fail than not try at all, right?
i'm hoping for 2008 to be amazing. i want it to be amazing. i want to develop a relationship with the man of my dreams. i want to keep my job. i want to save enough money to not have to work over the summer. i want this year to be the one that changes my life. forever.
goodnight.
death cab for cutie
so here i am, 2008. my back hurts. my cat is curled up beside me. i'm thinking of a boy. a very cute boy. a boy who makes my heart race a little. i will text him thursday. i'll say i'm thinking about trying my hand at the whole fresh tortellini recipe i read about in the times. and i'll invite him over to eat it with me. he will probably decline, as we just saw each other last weekend, and he isn't dying to get involved with me or probably give me the wrong idea. but i have that stupid thing called hope, and i figure it's better to try and fail than not try at all, right?
i'm hoping for 2008 to be amazing. i want it to be amazing. i want to develop a relationship with the man of my dreams. i want to keep my job. i want to save enough money to not have to work over the summer. i want this year to be the one that changes my life. forever.
goodnight.
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