Monday, January 07, 2008
this is the first day of my life
glad i didn't die before i met you
but now i don't care, i could go anywhere with you and i'd probably be happy
so if you wanna be with me
with these things there's no telling we'll just have to wait and see
but i'd rather be working for paycheck than waiting to win the lottery
besides maybe this time is different, i mean i really think you like me...
bright eyes
glad i didn't die before i met you
but now i don't care, i could go anywhere with you and i'd probably be happy
so if you wanna be with me
with these things there's no telling we'll just have to wait and see
but i'd rather be working for paycheck than waiting to win the lottery
besides maybe this time is different, i mean i really think you like me...
bright eyes
seriously, i'm so crazy for this man. when i think about us and what's been happening between us, i feel like it's a dream that i'm going to wake up from any minute now. he's so amazing. i can't believe this is really happening. i can't believe that there is a chance, albeit a small one, that this could grow into something amazing. part of me worries that one day he'll tell me this is all too much for him right now, or that my transparency will betray my actual emotions and he'll tell me he doesn't think what's going on is fair. it'll be tom part 2, yay. ugh. but that's just a chance. we could continue whatevering for a while, and when he's ready he might want to commit. he asked me if he wanted to save the sigfreid sassoon movie. that means he's going to want to see me again soon. he asked me if i'd miss him if i had him sleep on the couch. HE SAID SUMMER. these are all really positive signs. but i don't get what i want. and, in fact, in this very blog i mentioned that "i didn't get stephan in graduate school" (october 22nd 2007). but now i sort of have him. sort of.
i'm really in disbelief. i'm doing what i can to keep this alive. i'm not being clingy. i'm not getting in touch with him every day. i will call him wednesday to see how his chest cold is progressing and maybe chat a little. i do not expect him to invite me over this weekend. i'm ok with that, he needs his space and i don't need to rush things. if this keeps going how it's going, he may feel more secure in his decision over time. obviously i can't continue things forever without eventually asking if there is a direction here, if we're seeing other people, if there is potential for growth. i may not have to have that discussion. i wonder how long he can continue doing this without wanting to finally make with the love. not that he doesn't want to now. but before he gives in to his desire. and i don't think he would give in without being ready for that type of commitment. but then tom was able to go 8 months without needing to have sex with me, and even then it was awkward and broken. some boys impress me with their ability to remain chaste. i figure it's been quite a while for steve, and he isn't jumping out of his pants. i'm ok with that. i know that if he were to give us a chance, there would be something amazing resulting from the opportunity. but then, he sort of IS giving us a chance. life isn't easy, this is obvious to me and i deal with it. nothing is free and nothing comes to you without hard work. relationships are hard work. fixing what you hate about yrself is even harder work. i know this, and maybe we can grow together before we entangle our lives. but they're already somewhat entangled. he told his friend he was coming here. i wonder what else he's told this friend. i wonder if he thinks about us when i'm not there. if it makes him feel good and smiley, or if it stresses him out. i don't want it to stress him out, which is why i am letting this take its own course.
it's the way he kisses me that makes me think this might be for real for once. maybe i'm just fooled by his passion and his intensity. but i don't think that's it. i'd like to say i know that this means something, but i thought i knew that i was in love with tom. i don't doubt that i loved tom, i know i did, but it wasn't going to be forever. eventually i would have tired of his neediness and his inability to fend for himself. steve can take care of himself. he can support me emotionally and lean on me as well. to be with him would be mutual, not my own insane need to save someone.
i wish i could articulate all the things i'm thinking to him. i wish i could tell him how this all feels like a dream i'm afraid to wake up from. like how amazed i am that this is happening. how unreal it feels that he actually likes me. these are things i'm dying to tell him, but i can't without risking pushing him away. and i can't risk that. part of me thinks that he would see this is for real, but it's not worth it. there are so many other ways for me to show him that this is a good thing without being so explicit. just caring about him and being supportive and showing that i heard him when he told me that he didn't know if he could make the emotional commitment that is requisite in a sexual relationship.
argh. i've been writing this for like an hour and a half, watching jeopardy!, talking to mike on the phone. and now i'm hungry. so i'll eat and i'll continue to try to wrap my mind around this amazing thing that's happening to me. a world of possibilities awaits, and i'm hoping for the best...
i'm really in disbelief. i'm doing what i can to keep this alive. i'm not being clingy. i'm not getting in touch with him every day. i will call him wednesday to see how his chest cold is progressing and maybe chat a little. i do not expect him to invite me over this weekend. i'm ok with that, he needs his space and i don't need to rush things. if this keeps going how it's going, he may feel more secure in his decision over time. obviously i can't continue things forever without eventually asking if there is a direction here, if we're seeing other people, if there is potential for growth. i may not have to have that discussion. i wonder how long he can continue doing this without wanting to finally make with the love. not that he doesn't want to now. but before he gives in to his desire. and i don't think he would give in without being ready for that type of commitment. but then tom was able to go 8 months without needing to have sex with me, and even then it was awkward and broken. some boys impress me with their ability to remain chaste. i figure it's been quite a while for steve, and he isn't jumping out of his pants. i'm ok with that. i know that if he were to give us a chance, there would be something amazing resulting from the opportunity. but then, he sort of IS giving us a chance. life isn't easy, this is obvious to me and i deal with it. nothing is free and nothing comes to you without hard work. relationships are hard work. fixing what you hate about yrself is even harder work. i know this, and maybe we can grow together before we entangle our lives. but they're already somewhat entangled. he told his friend he was coming here. i wonder what else he's told this friend. i wonder if he thinks about us when i'm not there. if it makes him feel good and smiley, or if it stresses him out. i don't want it to stress him out, which is why i am letting this take its own course.
it's the way he kisses me that makes me think this might be for real for once. maybe i'm just fooled by his passion and his intensity. but i don't think that's it. i'd like to say i know that this means something, but i thought i knew that i was in love with tom. i don't doubt that i loved tom, i know i did, but it wasn't going to be forever. eventually i would have tired of his neediness and his inability to fend for himself. steve can take care of himself. he can support me emotionally and lean on me as well. to be with him would be mutual, not my own insane need to save someone.
i wish i could articulate all the things i'm thinking to him. i wish i could tell him how this all feels like a dream i'm afraid to wake up from. like how amazed i am that this is happening. how unreal it feels that he actually likes me. these are things i'm dying to tell him, but i can't without risking pushing him away. and i can't risk that. part of me thinks that he would see this is for real, but it's not worth it. there are so many other ways for me to show him that this is a good thing without being so explicit. just caring about him and being supportive and showing that i heard him when he told me that he didn't know if he could make the emotional commitment that is requisite in a sexual relationship.
argh. i've been writing this for like an hour and a half, watching jeopardy!, talking to mike on the phone. and now i'm hungry. so i'll eat and i'll continue to try to wrap my mind around this amazing thing that's happening to me. a world of possibilities awaits, and i'm hoping for the best...
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