is it too late to heal?

*i said "maybe yr a vampire.." said "its quite possible, i feel truly dead inside." its one or the other, between a rope and a bottle.. and i can tell yr having trouble breathing*
alkaline trio

aaaah thesis! how i loathe thee! im on page 51. im bangin em out right now, since im on chapter three, which is synthesis. im only here bc i thought i should get one last march entry in :)

so. no enigma today. he didnt respond to the text message i sent him, nor to the IM. weirdo. whatever though. i was on overload for two days, i can stand a break.

anyway. back to my alkaline fueled power writing. to quote mike "this has got to be the fastest thesis ever written!" ehehe. yah. and its gonna suck. just give me the damned masters, mmmk? thaaaanks.

xo!

*its time for you to choose, the bullet or the chapstick*
brand new

working on thesis. listening to brand new. ryan just left, we played dr. mario. wooo! listening to brand new with ryan is good times, cos he used to know these kids, too.

saw that stupid girl again. wanted to kick her.

sleeepy. must keep typing... 36/75.. ugh.

*sunshines in the bedroom when we play.. the raining always starts when you go away*
nirvana

ooooh you silly boy. silly silly boy. im not supposed to see you, but alas. you have suckered me into doing so. its almost like you didnt reply to my message last night just so you could respond this morning at 7:45 (!!!) in continuation of last nights convo. so yah. we picked up where we left off.. and yr so.. i dont even know. you wanna see me friday. how.. predictable, seeing as yr leaving for tour that day. but yr being adorable. fuckin. ugh. yah. so. you wanna come by and cuddle on friday for a few hours. we have decided to resist each other for as long as possible. which will be hard, seeing as my hormones will be like "mmm.. you love this boy!" ive been initiating making out lately. can i kiss him when he gets here? making out is off limits. but a kiss hello? is that ok? he thinks that itll be way hotter if we hold out. but for how long? till right before you have to go? till you get back from tour? im sooo down for a sex free day.. im allllll about the cuddles.. but. can i resist? or will i start rubbing yr belly? awww.. yr belly.. last time you were here, you said you were fat. but yr not, not really.. you just have a cute fat belly. its way hot. sigh. so fridays meeting depends on a plethora of conditions.. you have to pack tonight, you have to cancel yr dentist appointment, you have to wake up early on yr day off - which is a strange condition on a number of levels.. since a) *you* suggested we see each other at that time, and b) yr going on TOUR, you dont have to get up early for the whole time. i suggested you just come out thurs night and have all night cuddles, but you vetoed that, as yr playing in NJ that night before and are not going to want to drive back here after. boo. well anyway. we shall see if things actually do transpire.. im not counting my chickens.. but i do want to see him, i do want to cuddle, and by god, i wanna make out. grr. must practice self control....

so yah anyway. therapy was ok today. it was kinda boring i was like 5 minutes late, and she asked about my thesis, which is sooo not what i wanted to talk about. so i changed the subject to el enigma, and she shook her head at me. oops.

went to rutgers, got the paperwork i needed to file. filed said paperwork. i have to do some emailing tonight, i have to ask some professors if they will do orals with me. dr. basch will be in NY the week of the 12th, so i reallllllly need to get it done then, cos she taught gender and i could so ace my orals with her, jan (colonial american! i took a PhD course with her, and i loved it!), and dr. satter.. that way i wouldnt have to study too hard. and we all know how much i hate studying, so that works.

ok. well i need to get to work on el thesis. its almost 6 now, and im gonna be in trouble. uuugh. id like to terminate transmissions with the enigma before i get into it, but there goes my phone vibrating.. we shall see. perhaps more later. of course more later, who am i kidding?

listening to "such blinding stars for starving eyes" by cursive. think i should go to bed, as therapy awaits me at noon. strangely unmotivated. perhaps not so strangely.

ooh gosh. 6 hours of sleep will be plenty. must work on thesis tomorrow. must go to rutgers and file my diploma application.

tonight mike and i discussed my growing up poor, and how its molded me into this unmaterialistic girl. im pretty happy with my childhood, despite the loneliness, the lack of food, and the hitting. i almost feel like that part didnt happen, ive erased it.

ive been super territorial lately (see entry from march 29, earlier tonight).. all stingy with shit. but i mean it when i say it. i cant stand when people are followers. im not doing this to be a leader, im doing it to be different than you. stop being malleable, get an identity and claim it as yr on. ive been this girl since i was 16. you change yr persona when you change boyfriends. dont morph into me, dont read the pages of my life or the quotes i choose and make them yr own.

so. im going to bed. i was gonna try to finish this cd, but its way long.. im sleepy. i need a new book. i started reading this side of paradise when i finished valley of the dolls, but for some reason i cant get into it. its no gatsby, thats for sure. ive read most of the classics.. and thats what i like best. im thinking about reading catch 22 or great expectations. im also into plays lately.. i read death of a salesman (i think i mentioned that, it made me cry on the PATH train), and some eugene o'neill.. eh. maybe i should just be content in my non reading for now. concentrate on the thesis.

oh yah i was going to bed.. sweet dreams... *and just as i typed that, the cd ended. good job gille!*

*yr probly wonderin why i called you here,
i think the time has come to make it clear.
my heart cant make our love bloom and grow,
while yr kickin it to and fro.
accusing it of things it never said,
and steppin on it like a cigarette.
how can i be the answer to yr prayers,
if im always makin minor repairs?

i been doin mosta those things im supposta
you been tearin me apart
and i cant compete with you
you keep doin what you do
and ill keep tapin up my heart
ill keep tapin up my heart.*
mr t experience!!!!!

yah so im listenin to mtx, rockin out. i wrote that lyric in poem form cos it totally rhymes. i know i usually just jumble them up, but the rhymes in mtx make you giggle, the lyrics are so ridiculous sometimes, just so that they rhyme. plus its sucker love surf punk. dr. frank is the best. too bad i got sick when i went to see them, and i had to go home early. im retarded for doing that. i think back and im like.. dude, i loved mtx then, as i love them now, and i would never have done that now. i would have stuck it out. who knows. maybe i felt really sick and i just didnt know it. i got this cd there, its the one with "now that you are gone" which is my favorite mtx song. it ws my first mtx song, kurt played it for me o that mixtape in woody.. back in 1996.. the day i heard my first weston song "new shirt"/"heather lewis") perhaps ill end with those lyrics, as its the last song on the cd, and "tapin up my heart" was first, so it would be fitting. my entry would be enclosed. sort of.

i got up to 32 pages today on my thesis. wooooohooooo. i was the worst student ever. i only wrote like 8 pages. but. some days are better than others. this one, however, was spent enmeshed in the enigma, from morning till night. seriously. im on overload, i dont know if i should be happy or sad or equally both at the same time. he sent me the monday morning text at 1030.. i heard my phone vibrating, but i ignored it, cos i was still feigning anger at him. YOU see what it feels like to wait hours for a stupid reply. anyway. kim called me at like 130, and she asked me the password for our expedia.com account so she could print out our eticket. (which im really nervous about, i know its an eticket and everyone gets them, but i have never had one before, and i would feel so much more secure in our journey if i physically had plane tickets in my hand. like, what if we print out the wrong itinerary page, and we get there.... ok. serious tangent, im stopping now. back to the enigma show, already in progress....) so. i was awake and i checked the message, and it said "hey. how are you? there was this girl at our show sat who looked a lot like you. i wished it was you." at first i was mad, like seething mad, and i put my head back into the pillow.. you WISHED IT WAS ME? what? why do you do this? you did not! you did NOT wish it was ME. then the heart too back over, pushing the head away, and went "but, awww.." ugh. so like an ass i respond that im ok, that im tired, how was his weekend? thats sweet that you wished i was there.. blah blah. i wasnt sugary or adoring or anything, i was pretty flat, i chose neutral words when typing out my response. i was proud of myself. he responded immediately. i was like WHOA. he NEVER responds immediately. so basically the conversation boiled down to him telling me that he wished i was there bc he wanted a hug, and i said "you could have walked up to any girl and gotten the same effect.. or were you thinking about getting laid?" i thought that was kinda mean of me, but he didnt get it, obviously, cos he was like "i guess but not really. i was thinking about you. i wanted you. i wasnt really thinking about sex. just being close to someone." so i was really confused. i mean. what? whyyyyy? why are you drawing me in? you are, you are, and you fucking KNOW it. you know it. im being totally histrionic again right now, but whatever. so whatever i decided to change the subject bc i was being drawn back in, and i was like "so when are you hittin the road again? this week?" he said he was, that the first show on the tour was thursday night.. and he asked "yr leaving monday, right? and yr bday is sat, right?" he got my birthday wrong, its sunday, but he probably remembered that my friends were coming out saturday night. so kudos to him. anyway. whatever, the conversation turned to vegas, and he was like "i wish i was going with you" so i was like. oh no, its done. and my fingers just typed "i wish you were coming too." NO NO NO, you did not just do that says the head! and the heart just bats its eyelashes. THIS IS WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE ME. seriously. he sends me on a fucking roller coaster ride, im mad, then happy, then sad, then happy, then confused, then happy. oh, but im about to get mad again, cos first he starts talking about how me and  kim should make out in vegas (ugh im so over this conversation, boy.) then he says i should bang DEREK in vegas. something like "i know you'll bang him, you should its yr vacation. hookin up is fun. make him forget his name for me" and i was like "what the hell? why is he advocating my having sex with another boy? ugh. so im like "im sorry, but meaningless hookups arent my thing anymore, its not fun for me, like you want it to be" and hes like "what do you mean? it wouldnt be meaningless, it would mean a lot to me for you to make out with kim. hehe." and i was like "no, i dont know why yr advocating that i bang derek. i dont understand why yr encouraging me to be slutty." and he was like "i dont know. i just want you to have a good time. like when i went on tour, and you told me i should hook up with girls. hooking up is fun." and i was like "when i said that it was so it would hurt less when you did, cos id suggested you do it. for me, its not fun, i dont like feeling like im only good for sex." so he said "yah, i hear ya. well, i hope you have fun." and i dont remember what happened next, but i think i said something like "why are you excitable tonight? are you getting laid?" and he said that it was a week night and i asked if he had a new no sex on a work night rule.. he said no, but he had to get up early in the morning and didnt like to be out late unless it was for a special occasion, like brooklyn. which kinda warmed my heart, so i was like "hehe i must be super special bc i cant remember the last time we werent together on a weekday." and he was like "see. plus im away most weekends so i cant get out to you. thats why weekdays are ok. why, you need a visit? hehe" and i was like "i could use some good hugs and cuddles. those have been sparse lately." so he said "whats that supposed to mean? i got hugs for you" and i was like "yah i know you got hugs for me, but lately theyve been shed with conern for time..." so he goes "next time will be all cuddles. ok?" and i was like "really? cuddles! YAY!" and he was like "no sex. we'll keep our memories." and then my hormones took over, and they made me type "yah, well ideally it would be cuddles, then lovin, then lots of cuddles. cos i dont think cuddling would be gratifying for you." and he was like "we'll see. but i like the way you think."

soooooo i dont know what to think. really. i was mad at first, then sad, then happy, then mad again, then happy. and its like UGH. i wanna see what happens when i see him again. i told him i'd take lots of pics in vegas and show him when he gets back from tour. so maybe ill see him mid-april. and so the whole time i was thinking are things gonna be different when i move home? but i know they wont.. i cant stop thinking about it though, once i start. so stupid for me to even imagine. they are touring all of july and ugust, half of june, and then europe in oct for 6 weeks. i soooo dont want him to go to europe. well i do but i dont. i want him here. i wanna go WITH him.

im wayyyy cold right now. i shall crossword and get a better blanket. later!

*there was something in the way you said never to call you again, and now i know i should have read between the lines back then. there were secrets that you almost kept that werent quite sifficient to show. but it finally hit me when you left my name off the suicide note. i shifted gears, i faced my fears, i cried some tears, i did a lot of heroin, it took so long, but now im movin on, now that you are gone.*

yah.. so, i was just thinking.. you ever wanna like, reach through the computer or the phone or whatever, and strangle someone? perhaps kick them hard, while screaming "bitch, its my life, stop trying to live it like its yr own!"? thats how i feel. my life has been stolen from me, and im wayyyyy tired of it. get yr OWN favorites, ok? get some bands of yr own, some ideas of yr own, some sense or something, and stop living my life right behind me. oh, and if by some strange twist of fate yr reading this, and you feel like it might apply to you, then yr probably right, and you should go fuck yrself, ok? thanks.

*the rain was there to wash away my tears. i wanted to be them, but instead i destroyed myself*
sunny day real estate.

so sleepy.. i went to bed at like 140 last night, not even late, and i fell right asleep. i was asleep when mike called around 2.. it woke me up but i was confused.. id only fallen asleep like half hour before, and i thought it was my alarm.. then i slept fitfully all night. woke up at 945 and decided to forego cleanliness to sleep for another half hour.. i worked a double, it was WAY slow today. the vents broke in the kitchen at like midnight, and the restuarant filled with smoke. i started running around being like "my dream come true! chevy's en fuego!" so they had to close upstairs due to smoke, which was good cos i went home. now im here with very little to say, seeing as chevys has occupied the last three days of my life and im fuckin exhausted. im chatting with mike now, i was on the phone with my momma for a while before. i need to take out my contacts.

so i guess thats it. i bought some dye, but i dont think tonight is the night. maybe tomorrow, maybe thursday. who knows.

i need to meet a boy! i just want someone to crush on. it doesnt even have to be serious or go anywhere. i wish i was one of those outgoing types.. cos i see hottt boys on the G train all the time (greenpoint and williamsburg are home to some hoooootttttt boys!), but like, im not gonna go up to some random man on the subway and be like "hi, im gille, i think yr hot, do you have a girlfriend?" no.

anyway that about wraps it up. im going to go listen to mike babble about his potential internet girlfriends now.

*in this house of cards, we're all holding hearts and spades (one breath, one step could knock it all down) you lead with yr eyes and you give it away (decide, design to cut from the clouds) when the people you love get lost in the shuffle (when you leave you leave nothing but broken hearts) you let it go and then you fold*
thursday

so im feelin kinda bummed. kim came over before and she tried on a bunch of my skirts. she looks better in my clothes than i do. it kinda makes me sad. i mean.. i dont know. im used to getting a lot of attention, and i feel like having her as a friend takes that down cos some attention gets deflected. i think im being selfish. but yah, im feeling a bit down on myself. im also kinda upset bc we were shopping yesterday and i fell in love with these hooker shoes at cheap jacks, but they were too small. they fit kim, so she got them. THAT BITCH. now she'll get the boys in MY skirts and MY shoes. grrr.

im also missing the enigma. as always. i mean. i havent made an attempt to get in touch with him since over a week ago. he sent me a message the other day, thursday, to say that he thought scraps and heart attacks was playing this weekend, and asked what i was doing. i said i was working. i asked about how the visas were coming for canada, and i said i booked vegas. and he fuckin asked when i was going. LIKE I DIDNT TELL HIM LAST WEEK. cos i DID. you never listen to anything that i say.

the news report said that this weekends weather was a "false starter." those bastards! (just like arthur from the king of queens!!!) im soo falling asleep here. i only slept like 6 hours thursday night, went shopping with kim and derek. worked from 5 - 130. it was ok there was a party of 155, and i did nothing and got my $42 of the tip. i was mad cos i didnt get cut till 1130, and i was in the back. i didnt end of leaving till 130am. i walked with lee to the 59th st bridge. we sang one hit wonders and that turned into talking about snl with nick lachey and jessica simpson, and the skit where they play singing waiters in a mexican restaurant.. and the manager (horatio sanz) comes over and goes, to the tune of "she blinded me with science": "do you have a problem? im the shift manager. she blinded me with science! SCIENCE!" so we were wandering around the city yelling "SCIENCE!!!" like idiots. but it was fun and sober, which makes me happy. sometimes i worry that i have lost so much that sober is never fun. but then i realize that this is only temporary, and when im through weeding out people who arent worth it, who could never understand me.. if a person has too many assumptions, they can never really know who i am. bc ill close those chapters off, ill never let you see the reasons why i cant snap back into the charming girl i was in high school. its bc ive been made to feel like im worthless for so long that i dont know how else to feel. even with boyfriends, i felt like degraded and crappy.. nick always told me what i horrible person i was, that i was fat, that i was selfish, that i was a hypochondriac (yah, the girl that NEVER gets sick a fuckin hypochondriac.. its called anxiety disorder you fuck, i never thought i was sick all the time. i was just nauseas. but you could never understand that.) mark made me feel like i was nothing.. and all the boys who never made it past using me. fuuuuuuuck.

..and then you joined the ranks of those boys.
but i really thought that you cared..

i was talking about work, wasnt i? well. yah. so i got home last night at 3ish.. came online, talked to mike for a while.. then it was 430 and my okcupid buddy signed on, and that turned into being up till 6.. the last time i looked at the clock, it said 6:40, and its 16 minutes fast. i dont know how much longer it took me to fall asleep but i dont think long.

i wonder what it feels like to be asleep. every night before i go to sleep i vow to keep thinking about it, so i can feel what its like to be sleeping. but no. i fall asleep and then i wake up and i dont know how i felt or what i thought. i rarely remember my dreams.

so i woke up at 8:40 (which is really 8:24). got less than 2 hours sleep. put on the uniform, walked to the subway in the dreary rain like atmosphere.. it wasnt raining. but i felt like id been deprived of the beaty of the morning. when its bright and dewy and damp, and everything looks like its glowing in the haze.. and in my head i hear it and i see it like that last scene in kids, when the moring is waking up, and theres that music.. the music that sounds like a plant growing towards the sun.. do you even know what im talking about? that music.. there is a penfold song, its like the last song on our first taste of escape.. and its all piano and it feels that way to me, it feels like the morning, it feels like growth and sunshine and all thats beautiful in the world. im afraid that i'll leave that feeling in new york city when i leave. long island is like a different world, it has its own beautiful things that cannot be replicated in this city.. like the smell of rain. it just smells dirty here, but on long island, the rain smells like this gorgeous freshness, peaceful and relaxing. like chamomile tea.

i forgot where i was going with this. i think i was on my way to work. soooo.. i got to times square and i went to starbucks bc its the only place thats not mcdonalds around chevys. i got a big coffee and a bagel. i got on the retard line, however, and it took wayyyy long. so i went to work, brewed more coffee, started the iced tea.. wrote up the floor plans, cut up limes and lemons.. then i finally ate my bagel. i got slammed for a while, but i did really well, soooo many people hooked me up all day! these two girls left $10 on $30, lots of 20-25% tips.. and my last table.. i almost didnt take it, but i did.. and they had a bunch of margaritas (it was just two ppl) .. their check was $74, and the woman was admiring my tattoo, and she showed me hers, it was a rose on her ankle. i told her i drewm my tattoo, and she was like "oh, if i got it would it be copyright infringment?" and i was kinda bugged out by that. like, why would you want to get someone else's tattoo, that they drew out specifacally for themself? but anyway, we started talking about tattoos, and i said i was gonna get a new one next week in vegas, which turned into talking about vegas (and seriously, everyone i tell im going says, "oh yr gonna love it!" like they know me).. and they ended up giving me $10.. then they paid the check and there was $80 in there for the $75 bill.. so we're up to $15 now.. and i went to get the book, and as i thanked them, she was like "ooooh!" reaches in her purse, pulls out a $20 and goes "ooh! have fun in vegas!" and i like almost died!. thats $35 on a $70 tab. long story short, i sold $1,244 today.. i tipped out $55 and walked with $199. i almost broke $200 on a saturday morning shift! but the thing is, im exhausted. i worked almost 18 hours this week already (in TWO DAYS!) and tomorrow im good from 1130 till at least 8. so.. ill be tired tomorrow thats for sure. im tired NOW. my eyes burn. but i feel like i dont know how to go to bed before midnight. im thinking about having another bagel right now..

anyway this has been way too long.. and the whole time i was just typing the way the words popped into my mind. so its probably very scattered.. such is my life.

"SCIENCE!!!!!!"

*im falling down, im falling down, and yr not here to break my fall. i shut my eyes when yr around i hold my breath to kill the sound. im falling down, im falling down, and yr not here...*

*music low, were all alone, being wrong never felt so right*
new found glory

sweet dreams..

*i dragged this lake looking for corpses, dusted for prints, pried up the floorboards pieces of planes and black box recorders don't lie and ive been preoccupied with these sick, sick senses that sense DNA on barbed wire fences maybe someday i'll find me a suspect that has no alibi
new years eve was as boring as heaven i watched flies fuck on channel 11 there was no one to kiss, there was nothing to drink except some old rotten milk someone left in the sink and theres no ring on the phone anymore theres no reason to call i passed out on the floor smoked myself stupid and drank my insides raisin dry but at the right place at the right time i'll be dead wrong and you'll be just fine and i wont have to quit doing fucked up shit for anyone but me and at the right place at the right time it will have been worth it to stand in line and you wont have to stop saying "i love cops" for anyone but me your private eye*
alkaline trio, whom i love dearly.

ok. so the horoscope, the awful scary one? yah, it didnt come true. i talked to kim before, and we're going shopping with derek tomorrow. no flight changes, no hotel changes no nada. thank fuckin god. cos i woulda cried.

horoscope, march 26:
You may be feeling that your emotions are holding you back, gille. You have everything else worked out in your head, you have the car packed and ready to go, yet someone or something keeps tugging at your heartstrings, making it difficult for you to start the engine. Don't ignore the emotional issues that you know you need to deal with. They will only become more difficult if you don't address them now.

hmm.. that one is def right lol. but its way easy to interpret that as anything thats going on in anyones life. like, see, i feel like the enigma holds me back from moving on.. and that is how it feels. but you, my imaginary reader, could apply that to yr on imaginary life, as well, i suppose.

*never ran away for the sake of scars, tried not to move but she was armed, and shots were fired now a hole in the head of this wounded liar. never had a drink that i didnt like, got a taste of you, threw up all night. i got more sick with every sour second rate kiss*

candace is going to texas this weekend. the gus i got for her sisters baby shower is at the PO right now. her sister, cory, is having a baby in a month, and its gonna be a boy, and his name will be augustus lloyd. its very.. sparta meets sherman. sherman as in sherma, texas, which is the country.. the two names sound cute but funny together. so we got him a gus gus. you know, from cinderella? anyway i have to pck up the package tomorrow since she leaves saturday morning.

im listening to "from here to infirmary." (all quotes are from that record.)good times. worked on my thesis for three hours. i wrote 9 pages. thats a good speed, 3/hour. thursday and alkaline kept the spirit alive. im waaaaay thinking ahead of myself, like thinking to the conclusion. i just finished chapter 1. i have full 22 pages right now, i have to get to 65-70. chap 2 will go from 23-45, i think. chapter 3 will be 46-65. my conclusion will be longer than i thought, i think. i was thinking i should perhaps just write the conclusion. if i have to add anything, i can. i dont have to make sure its perfect. but i have such good ideas im afraid ill forget them. whatever.

im going to go see if i have okcupid email now. oxox

*i gave up on you a long time ago, how can you blame me? we made plans to meet and you never showed, you kept me waiting. they said everything would work out just fine, they said you'd help me. but as it turns out it was all a lie, and they're off someplace far away laughing at me
youve been there for me one time in my life, but it didnt matter. you came and went so fast all my hope and faith in you shattered. and now here i sit alone in this room, no one to confide in. you watched all my dreams come apart at the seams. you laughed, you left, you waited in hiding.
bless me dark father i have sinned. ive done it before and i'll do it again, cuz it keeps me warm, and makes you smile, been beneath me all the while
hell yes*

my horoscope for thursday, march 25. ill fuckin cry...

Unexpected changes in plans for travel might prove a little disconcerting today, gille. Airline and hotel reservations may have to be changed, the people you'll be seeing may have to be contacted, alternative plans might have to be made. There's not much point in agonizing over this, as it's all beyond your control. Upsetting everyone around you is useless. Just pitch in, do what has to be done and look forward to your trip.

*and im throwing away the letters that i am writing you, cos they would never do, i would never do*
dashboard.

yes im recycling lyrics. i use em as i feel em, ok? thanks.

oh, have i mentioned VEGAS? cos im going. sooo there. you dont even understand. i cant wait. imagine i was working on my thesis like im supposed to?

so. i IMed the enigma today: "just saying hi. back to work i go." quickly put up an away message of yesterdays brand new lyrics. he replied "hey" and got the words. wonder if he connected them to himself. still no text messages. he *always* asks about my weekend. fucker.

*and yr eyes say the joke's on me*

*and if you ever said you miss me dont say you never lied.*
brand new

think ive used that lyric before. well. it describes my mood, so it stays. because yr fucking haunting me tonight. i tried to concentrate on the words on the pages, but you and yr deceptions came and took the spotlight. the games the lies the stupidity. it becomes clearer to me all the time.. i was remembering this conversation we had one night when we were laying in bed together.. it was about politics i think. i was talking and you were like "yah. i just dont care." and the contents of the conversation were inconsequential, i didnt care that you weren't political, it was the way you wrapped yr arms around me when you said that and hugged me, and kissed my forehead. and i guess im perplexed. because it felt real then, but in reflection i feel like it was a concession, you spent a bunch of nights with me, then you could wean me off sleepovers and get what you wanted with no worries, no commitment, no need to stay.. its like you no longer need the cover of caring, you can just come and use my body, just as you like. three hours, 45 minutes. not a big deal, not a whole night. in fact, not even the length of a dinner/movie date. oh sure, theres the drive involved, but you know yr going to have what is in yr mind, some no strings attached lovin.. and then i blame myself for acting like it was ok, for relenting and not screaming out after we had the talk, after i told you i could not be just a hook up to you, because i couldnt do that to myself again, i cant be used that way anymore, i cant feel that way again, i cannot revert to thinking im only worth my body... and i have! and its yr fault. but its also my fault bc i didnt have to ask you up that night in may. i didnt have to let you come by that friday. i could have stayed fast to my judgement. but no. my heart needed to be tortured, and my heart always wins. but WHY? i mean. did you *really* leave that note on my car just to see if you could destroy me AGAIN? cos 97 wasnt enough? cos you still had those fantasies? cos you wanted to live out six years of fantasies? because WHY? you were so concerned with making me not hate you again, and you worked to regain my trust just to do this all over again? DO YOU EVEN KNOW? cos i stopped letting on that i had feelings a long time ago.. maybe you think im fine, and that it doesnt stab me to hear you say "it'll come when you least expect it.." which in my head translates to "just reminding you its NOT me." oh yah, gille, by the way, yr hot and i just wanted to screw you.. thaaaanks. im never going to care, to actually know you or be with you.. it was a game. please just fucking say it to my face.. you havent sent me a txt in days.. my phone holds but one txt from you, and its locked in from january.. when you said it was "REALLY nice" to see me that night.. you didnt send me the usual monday morning "how was yr weekend?" nope. and i didnt either. bc im not doing this to myself anymore. i have to let go ive had enough this isnt fair and it hurts. i cannot suffer like this, i cannot let you keep me from living my life, i cant i cant i cant... i cant have another nervous breakdown over you, i cant explode i cant let this happen. IM IN CONTROL OF MY LIFE. i look over my old journals, i study the words on the page, hoping they'll scream out, that they'll give me the secret to my previous success, when i walked away from you.. when i said id had enough and i ceased it. but can i let four more years pass? can i let go of you for good? can i say good bye? can i cry anymore? i cant. i cant do this anymore. i cant.

i cant go to bed. what the hell is wrong with me? there is this kid i talk to on okcupid every night.. hes the night time hotel guy or something. doorman, perhaps? but so hes working all night, and im of course not sleeping.. and i sit here and babble with him. this is getting out of control though. seriously. today i didnt get up till 330. 330!!! i feel like its the summer after my freshman year of college all over again. and i have to STOP. i think im going to not nap on tuesday, and instead go to LI after therapy.. that way i can sit at a desk and not be distracted by my guitar or the tv or any other thing that might distract me here. plus i *have to* be sober there.. i cant just retreat into my room and do the drugs. plus im out! im gonna try and get some tomorrow night though. cos i NEEEEED it.

anyway. ill try to sleep now. wish me luck....

kim says that she refuses to hold my hair in vegas. she says we have to drink somewhat responsibly. aahahahahahaaaaaa. i'll do my best!

*anything for you.. turn my castles blue.. i'd turn my bones to sand.. just to see you
i'll give you anything.. i'll give you anything.. i'll give you anything...

jackie-o with the top down open, all the words to the world unspoken, id put together everything that's broken.. just to see you
i'll give you anything.. i'll give you anything.. i'll give you anything...

jackie-o with the top down open, a king's horse for what's been broken, id bring back even what's unspoken.. just to see you
i'll give you anything.. i'll give you anything.. i'll give you anything...*
third eye blind

sleeeeepy.. excited.. not looking forward to tomorrow..

like my new bands thing? rock on, gille, yr getting good at this html thing.

fuckin.. somebody email me. anyone. i dont care who you are. just let me know that someone has ever read this.

ok. i obviously have nothing to say. sweet dreams!

...conversation between gille and mike...

gille: oh my god i want this thing on tv
gille: its an EGG PEELER!
mike: no
gille: the patented eggstractor
mike: NO
mike: that is such a dumb invention
mike: soo dumb
gille: "you never knew eggs could taste this great"
mike: for lazy assholes
gille: they're gonna DOUBLE my order!
mike: it doesnt make eggs taste better!
gille: a $60 value fr just $19.95!
gille: if i got one, i could enjoy protein filled eggs any time!
mike: its not worth 1995
gille: dude. PERFECTLY peeled eggs!
mike: dude
mike: laziness
mike: scam!
gille: YOU werent there.

*an open heart is easily wounded and hard to repair*
from "the truth about jane," which is an afterschool special-like movie about a girl who ealizes she's gay when shes 16.

this movie is good. im enjoying it. it feels real, and im kinda of proud that cbs is airing this very gay friendly movie. im really happy that this is available to gay kids who are up at midnight. its too bad its not being aired at a more people friendly time, but its got my attention.

im tired. i need a massage. the hotel we're staying at in vegas has a spa. maybe ill get one! since our trip is costing us only $301 each for airfare and 3 night hotel! i can afford to gamble and drink and lavish myself with the wonderful gift of massage. and shoes. and skirts. and other various things i dont need for a three day trip.

ok back to the movie.....

it's booked! vegas is booked! we leave monday april 5 at 5:50pm, arrive in vegas at 9:48.. we will have awesome airplane outfits, so we can deplane in full rockstar mentality. derek said something about eating a bowl of cereal as we deplane. im kinda bummed that its gonna be chilly when we get there.. its cold there at night. like 66.. which is still ok, but i want it to be hot all the time! hehehe..

wow so im watching the late movie again, and the girl is carrying a brown bag lunch. i never had the brown bag lunch, im kinda jealous. i always bought lunch.

back to vegas! vegas!!! its gonna be incredible. i cannot stop thinking about it. ok. im going to go stalk our hotel.

*im so excited.. im about to lose control and i think i like it*

ahahaha. im soooooo excited about VEGAS! oh man, sin city.. imma get another tattoo, and drink till i cant breathe. ok maybe not that much. but im going to drink a lot, and be tipsy the whole time. the WHOLE time! non stop. in heels and a mini skirt. kim and i discussed it at the diner tonight. we are not allowed to bring any of our regular clothes. only things we wouldnt wear in our usual lives. purchase some shoes, heels! itll be hilarious. stumbling around in shoes we dont know how to wear. i was thinking i would maybe go to the steve madden outlet and maybe to target. jane had some isaac mizrahi for target shoes in one of their issues. they probably dont have them anymore, but its worth a look. i want some hot shoes. i was thinking i could go knee highs one day, but then i thought about it and i was like NAH, its VEGAS! its gonna be hot, no knee highs necessary. i shall party like a rockstar, and act like a rockstar. we've decided on sparkley make up, as well. the kim still hasnt really given me a definite answer, but she was talking like its for sure tonight.

speaking of, i went to the diner with kim tonight, and it was a really good time. first of all, i got her these underwear, like little boys underwear, the kind with cartoons on the butt? but on the front they had a chicken and on the back it said "sunny side up".. cos kim is obsessed with chickens. she has one tattooed on her ass. but she was like "gille, yr underwear rock!" and she was like dancing on her side of the booth, like "they're so soft! and gonzo hated them but i said 'i dont care! they rock!'" ahahaha... but yah so it was one of our sessions, where we eat our food and then sit there and gripe and realize that we are in fact the exact same. we have the same complexes. but then, we knew that the minute we spoke.. we were oddly drawn to each other. we were talking about how we're the twins.. and like, last week she sent me a txt asking me what my scent was, and i was kidding in the side station like "dude, she wants to be me! she cant have my smell!" and i *knew* it would get totally blown out of proportion and turned into drama and IT DID. (though she knew it was all a ploy as soon as people started reporting back to her).. so we were scheming on the E train to queens.. we were saying we should have a faux blow out at work the day before we go to vegas, like throw chips at each other or something and act like we hate each other. that way, they'll have 4 days to really gossip it up before we get back, and it should be page six by our return. we decided we would tell only derek, as he'll be going to vegas with us, and besides, he would so go along with it. we also think we could get him to go along with our fake identities in vegas. its going to be so much fun. but yah. we also decided that before we go, we have to get together for one of our therapy sessions and get it all out so we can just be retarded and happy while we're gone. and i felt really good, bc we were on the train, and she was talking about how a few weeks ago i was all jokingly saying "we arent gonna be friends anymore, we cant hang out bc you get all the boys and i want them, and yr bruising my ego, so i have to go solo" and tonight she was like "i was so sad when you said that even though i knew you were kidding bc i was like 'nooo what would i do?'" so i felt really important, and like i matter to someone for the first time in a long time. not that i ever doubt our friendship, but you never know. i mean, i never doubted my friendship with tom or jan or even sherine, who i havent spoken to since 9th grade.. but they found it easy to up and walk out of my life, so why wouldnt kim? oh yah, bc shes a true friend, and i really believe that she will join the ranks of katie and antonia, and always always be a part of my life, no matter how small. but yah i guess the point was just that it made me feel so special and cared about and i guess i really needed that right now.. cos getting over the enigma is harder than i planned, and every day i want to scream and make him love me...... but kim will do. shes way radder than him anyway.

GETTIN OUT OF NY!! YAH!! and yr not! yr stuck here! yay! i dont know who im addressing. but YOU. hahahahaa.. my spring break will be spent in the sun being drunk! well. actually my spring break was last week, but who cares i aint got classes this semester! now i *really* have to finish my thesis by the end of the week! AAH! pressure!

anyway. i think ill sleep. its past my bedtime. ha, imagine. no. but im tired, i worked all day today and now im like zzzzzz... so yah. sooo hyper though! ah! AH! ok. sweet dreams world! xoxoxoxo!!!

*lets get one thing straight, we don't have any answers. we are proposals in a cosmic nursery.. and these massive stars theyre just little twinkles if i cant possess them at such magnificence.. so if you can really hear me, and you really think you believe in it then there must be some kind of privelege here to putter around with such an existence and if you see me on some stage and you believe it's really me over there well, there's a chance it's not really me.. maybe we're not ourselves at all and maybe being is simply believing that each breath we take in must lead to another breath out, one more breath away from yesterday and a timeline of yesterdays filled in with love or with pain or whatever bullshit we smear on our sleeves ive found my cause, and this is it there are no answers..
am i what i am? am i what i am? is that what this is? is this all there is?
am i what i am? am i what i am? is that what this is? is this all there is?
am i what i am? am i what i am? is that what this is? is this all there is?
am i what i am? am i what i am? is that what this is? is this all there is?
am i what i am? am i what i am? is that what this is?
is this all there is?
am i what i am? am i what i am? is that what this is? is this all there is?
am i what i am? am i what i am? is this all there is?*
cursive

so i worked tonight. wasnt so bad. i got finished with my shift at 11:20, so it was an early night, and i made $80, which wasnt too bad for 6 hours, i guess. i'd like to have made more, but given my station, this was the best i could really hope for. im listening to cursive.. the song up there is "proposals." the cd is the storms of early summer. it soooooooo gooooooood!!!! good times, ooollllddd cursive. 1998. not that old i guess, but its def early cursive. the newer cds dont sound like this.

work was alright, it was kinda cool bc we asked derek if he wanted to come to vegas and he was like "hells yes" so hes probably going to come. im thinking we'll go mon 4/5 - fri 4/9.. for like $400 each, which is not much at all. we were talking about it, and we were like "imagine derek comes? we'd always be like 'remember when we went to vegas with derek???'" cos it would be insane. that kids been to vegas many times and he is so cut out for that city. i could see him in avaitor glasses. drunk at all times. it would be like living fear and loathing.. i cant wait. its gonna be rad if he comes, a nonstop party.

my back is hurting substantially right now. i ate a whole box of velvetta rotini with brocolli. thats kinda gross. i was hungry. the only other thing i ate today was three chips ahoy cookies and.. um, like a half a bag of individually wrapped lifesavers. i had them at work tonight. everyone else wanted to eat them. i shared with kim and bart and lee and shasta. shaena kept looking at me longingly, so i gave her some. she asked me and kim to be in a band with her, and we were like "we already have a band, the angsters." and she was like "ill sing!" and she wanted to help write the songs, and they should be like "help the world" songs.. and we were like, yah we might have to kick you out, sorry. cos like, why would we be called the ANGSTers if we wanted to write songs that were happy or concerned with the state of the world? we told her there would be no britney beats. she was like "why not?" and we just laughed. crazy girl.

i cant wait to go to vegas! my horoscope every day this week has been talking about planning to go to new and exciting destination. im like its fate!!!! im MEANT to go to vegas. and i dont know if i already said this, but no one reads it anyway so i can repeat myself all i want.. but yah, so last year in like maybe jan or feb i had my cards read.. and she said that my love life was going to be on a plateau for about a year, but around a year from then i'd be taking a plane somewhere.. and that was when i'd find love. i totally forgot about this until ike 2 nights ago when i was talking to mike, and its kinda weird bc i remember when she mentioned flying somewhere, i immediately thought of vegas, but at that time i had no plans to go there.. i dont quite remember if she said i would find love there in my destination or when i got back, but she also mentioned that i would be moving shortly thereafter as well (which is true,since im moving in july).. so she might have said that it was going to be when i moved but i know they were all three connected. imagine i fall in love with derek? that would be funny. thats wholly unrealistic though, cos hes not a musician (though he is a writer), and he is totally an alcoholic. plus he has no plans of staying in NY or the US even. he was telling me at the diner last week that this is going to be his last american lease. its up in january, but he might stay another year after that.. he wants to move to prague, but he thinks thats typical. he said something like "an american writer in prague. how likely." anyway. it would be funny, but that will not happen. maybe ill come back married to some weirdo. ahahahaa.. nah. im not really concerned, honestly. i aint got no room in my life for love, no sir. fuck love.

anyway mike is online now so i shall chat with him, maybe smoke a wee bit more and then sleeeeep. cos im sleepy. nite nite!

*of all the great inventions constructed from the unstoppable molecule.. nothing can resolve its magnetic impulse.. to club me into silence.. to club me into silence. you, you broke my heart before i had the chance to fall in love. you, you broke my heart before i had the chance to fall in love. what am i, what am i supposed to do? what am i, what am i supposed to do? you say those words, they're just beyond me. you say those words, they're just beyond me.. where do you start when you are already in the middle of things?*
grade <3 <3

i love grade. mmm canadian screamo. so. im listening to grade while waching upn.crossing over has just ended, i will be watching classmates after this short commercial break. yesterday, this girl got reunited with this boy she liked in high school, and he turned out to be gay.

so last night i IMed with the enigma, and it went badly. not that he knows it did. we were just talking and i asked him if they were playing with scraps and heartattacks anytime soon, and he said they played a few weeks ago with scraps, and the last show was on li, and it was so much fun, i should have come.. and i was like "how could i have come, when i didnt know about it?" so that turned into that, which somehow turned into me and kim making out (dude, hes obsessed with that idea) and so i was like "well, what if it was kim and someone else, shes cuter than me anyway" and he said he didnt agree, and "you know yr hot" and i was like "yah, wish i wasnt." so he was like "huh, why??" and i said "last weekend bart said 'yr so pretty gille. you'll make some boy very happy.' and i was like greeaaaaat. not bc im smart or fun or funny, but cos im pretty?" and so he was like "he probably meant that yr fun and smart and super, which you are, and also pretty, so its a great package." and so im like "yah, well then why in the past two years has no one wanted to be with me?" ...and i was fully prepared to be like you know this isnt fair i cant move on bc of you, but you dont wanna be with me .. and he goes "maybe yr trying too hard, itll come when you least expect it. i gotta jet." i was like FUCK. i wanted to tell him that this isnt fair, i wanted to be like im over it, you have to stop contacting me, bc as long as yr in my life, im going to keep giving myself to you in hopes that this time will be the time that you realize that you want to be with me. but no. for the past year its just been the use of my body. at first maybe you cared, but when you realized that you could have me and not have to be with me.... fuck you. i cant. ive got to move on.

anyway. im gonna go dry my hair.

*well i blame myself for everything, it keeps my conscience clean*
the get up kids.

im way excited about this whole vegas vacation. kim better not decide to go to florida. all would be lost.

i really miss the enigma today. i dont know why. maybe bc we havent spent quality time together in a while. its all booty calls lately. but. remember to be janet, gille. you can do this. (but i cant!) ugh its like the hardest thing to do, to turn around and walk away pretending i dont loooove you, i made up my mind there is no turning back.. what the hell, what song is that? i cant remember. i cannot place it, it is driving me crazy. whatever. i can do this, i can walk away. i can pretend i dont care. right? no. i cant. i will inevitably send you a text message sooner or later. ill miss you incredibly, all will be lost. maybe youll drop by before the april tour. imagine you stay with me? ha. i dont even know what would happen if i woke up beside you again.. i might have a heart attack.

sleeeeepy... sweet dreams.

there is this crappy hipster band on carson. im so sleepy. i think im gona read some of my magazine and then sleep. you know. sleep. i have to go to rutgers tomorrow. must not be a total waste of life. i know ill want to. but jesse and i planned out vegas tonight, and its going to be so much fun, and i will not be able to have fun if i dont finish my thesis by then!! so i must push forward and make headway. and soon.

i wish you were here to hold me. i wish you could lay beside me and make me warm and cozy. but im staying away. its like in the movie singles, when janet realizes that she doesnt have to be there with cliff, she could just walk away. but then he falls in love with her. hmm.. he wouldnt fall in love with me though. he'd probably just miss the lovin. sigh. all is lost.

*believe me when i say this i mean it as time takes forever ill wait for the day we both arrive to the climax of our lives and that's good to know though ill be leaving you we'll carry on and into shades of grey again*
no motiv

so i wrote this big long blog last night and then aol shut down. i didnt feel like saying it all again.. so here i am. i got the new no motiv cd the other day, and im feelin sad when i listen to it. it reminds me sooo much of freshman year.. i hear it, and i think of tom and our soundtrack. inside, weston, the get up kids, no motiv, kid with manhead.. and i picture tom.. i picture him at a show, in the front row, wearing jeans and a tshirt with his trademark flannel, and i picture him with the long floppy hair, twirling a curl and dancing as he did, just kinda swaying with the music. or i picture him sitting in his chair, tapping his feet and twirling his hair (cos that was like a staple, tom is a twirler).. and i fucking miss it. there was no reason for dionne to ban me. i wasnt moving in on tom, i didnt wanna steal her man. we were just friends. there was nothing more, just cos i hugged him when chaz and i broke up.. dammit, i *needed* someone. it wasnt bc i was trying to move on him, he was one of my best friends and i was miserable. i was way drunk, it was like two days after we broke up, i got wasted at ryans and stumbled back to the dorms, and katie wanted to visit with tom and dennis.. its not like i jumped on him and kissed him, i hugged him. HUGGED. and i am NOT a boyfriend stealer. i am not a career picker upper of other peoples trash, like other people i know, or used to know.. he was my friend. but im so mad still, mad at him, bc dionne's friend always used to IM me, and she always said that dionne only suggested that he break ties with me, and that the decision was up to him. it hurts me to think about all the things we did together, and how much fun we had, and how that meant so little to him. people are so willing to throw away their friendships in order to have some relationship. or am i just disposible? it makes me mad. maybe mad isnt the right word. i mean, its not like my life hasnt gone on, or like i havent made new friends that i love to death, whom i might not have become friends with had i not ended various other relationships.. but. i mean, its just retarded how easy it is for humans to say goodbye to someone who was there for them, who was a good friend.. because someone else says so, or bc they want something else. anyway. on to happier things.............

like my $1400 tax return!!!!!!! im so psyched. im totally going on vacation. i talked to kim about it, and shes all about going away also.. she was saying she might go away with some HS people, but it turns out there are way many of them going, and shes not feeling that.. so she said she was gonna check on her funds.. all i want is someplace sunny. and so i figure southern CA is the best bet, as florida is rainy all the time. and it never rains in southern california. the song says so. therapy lady insists that florida isnt bad in april but i think shes lying. ive been there before. my mom wants me to go away with her, if i cant find anyone, which im WAY AGAINST cos she wants to go to south beach, and im like "hi, i can NOT spend a week with gross boys that make me wanna puke. thanks." so im kind of counting on kimberly right now. we soooo need to get out of here for a week, we have been talking about it for a YEAR. a year. seriously. we planned our crazy road trip about a year ago this time, bc i showed the itinerary to the enigma when we first hung out, and we started this whole fiasco about a year ago.. the first time anything happened was march 27, and i think we had hung out the week before that, too.. so i know that kim and i have been planning a getaway for a while and this is perfect. i told her that if she thought she didnt have the money right yet, i could front it, since im rich right now, and she could pay me back as long as its by july. we talked about going to vegas also. its not the beach, but its the desert, and anywhere we stay will have a pool, where we could get tan, and we could do that for way cheap cos they have packages for vegas, and we are two very cute girls who will have drinks bought for us (even though i dont drink.. i might make an exception. cos ive been drinking some beer lately. i need to stop that. you cant quit drinking and then just drink sometimes. it has to go away all together.) so yah. thats whats on the agenda. a fabulous vacation for miss kim and i, full of sun and fun and smiles and NOT NYC!

well anyway. im kind of tired. i just woke up from a short nap. i watched the king of queens, and now im going to hang out with benny for a wee bit before i commit to the books... maybe ill try to recap what was lost yesterday later. xoxo

*you almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. you almost made me cry again this time.. another false alarm, red flashing lights, well this time im not going to watch myslef die. i think i made it a game to play yr game and let myself cry, i buried myself alive on the inside, so i could shut you out and let you go away for a long time...*
the used.

im watching snl. im so tired. i almost cant wait till its over so i can go to bed! i came home from work at 7, ate some macaroni and cheese.. watched the ethan hawke version of hamlet. i was kind of hoping it would be a modern version of hamlet, like "o" but no. i have a hard time keeping my attention on a movie when its in olde english. that was my problem with watching romeo and juliet. i have to pay so much attention to the dialogue and sometimes i cant figure it out and i get lost. so i fell asleep for an hour. like in and out of sleep.

i kinda want a pickle. i got the half sour ones. not as good as the sour ones. maybe ill chop up a green pepper and eat it with salad dressing, mybe ill have salad. hmmm....

glancing over my blog ive noticed that ive used two coffin lyrics in like 4 days. weird. oh, i was going to bed, wasnt i? oops..

*and i dont dream since i quit sleeping.. and i havent slept since i met you. and you cant breathe without coughing in day time.. well neither can i. so whaddayou say, yr coffin or mine?*
alkaline trio

its 6 am. why am i up? oh bc im silly. i got out of work at like 1:15.. went to the diner with kim, shasta and derek. lee joined us. i had a mudslide and 3 coronas. i gave up drinking, remember? well. i drank. it was fun, too. i bonded with derek over faith no more. he used to hang out with mike patton a few times, they were from the same town, some suburb of chicago. i was way impressed. i also realized that im going to miss our late night trips to westway, and my stupid coworkers who i detested for so long but have grown so close to in so many ways.. so many of us have been enduring this hell for longer than two and half years together. its going to be hard for me at first, i think, when i realize that i might never see these weirdos again. sigh.

im kinda sober now. before i was wayyy fucked up. i was a little tipsy (for some reason i never get drunk on beer) and a little stoned and together that made me WHEEEEE. i couldnt type straight.

oh, sleep. OH SLEEP!

*i could have i should have i could have flown you know i could have i should have i didnt so*
tori amos

ah. running late to work.

*oh why cant i be what you need, a new improved version of me, but i'm nothing so good, no i'm nothing just bones, a lonely ghost burning down songs of violence of love and of sorrow.. i beg for just one more tomorrow where you hold me down fold me in deep deep deep in the heart of your sins
i break in two over you. i break in two and each piece of me dies. and only you can give the breath of life.. but you dont see me, you dont...
here i'm in between darkness and light, bleached and blinded by these nights where im tossing and tortured til dawn by you, visions of you then youre gone.. the shock lifts the red from my face when i hear someone's taking my place how could love be so thoughtless, so cruel
when all, all that i did was for you
i break in two over you.. i break in two and each piece of me dies and only you can give the breath of life but you dont see me you dont..
i break in two over you i break in two and each piece of me dies and only you can give the breath of life but you dont see me you don't...
i break in two over you.. i break in two over you, over you i break in two i would break in two for you.. now you see me.. now you don't. now you need me.. now you don't*
from autumn to ashes.

yesterday.. you DID make it here! i was sitting here at 3:30 and i sent you a message.. "are ya still working?" and yr HERE! yr OUTSIDE! not working, HERE!! i was like flutter flutter! and it was amazing. we had such good conversation and smiles and laughter and it was amazing. its the way you look at me. sigh. amazing. playing guitar for each other. looking at yr freckles. talking about bands. cuddling. *lost in love is what i feel when im with you* i think thats like "lost in love" by sheriff or something like that.

hung out with myspace boy, didnt go so well as id have thought. no spark for me. nope nope. could be that id been with the enigma earlier in the day, but i would bet not.

fisafhueruwiwuhgjdv. thats how i feel still. amazing light and airy. how the fuck do you do this to me? cos i know in a few days the make believe will run out and ill be miserable again, ill feel used and shelved and sad, and then ill see you and youll play this game and ill be in love for a few days. maybe when you go on tour for the whole summer ill break the cycle.

right now, im going to bed though.

fijsgjirut. yes. im having one thing after another go wrong today. first i woke up with a sore throat.. went to the laundromat, and remembered they're closed on wednesdays.. came back here, got in the shower, and half way through, im like shaving my legs and i have conditioner in my hair, and the water goes ice cold. ICE COLD! so i like get out, and sit on the couch thinking about how i could rinse my conditioner without dying of cold water.. so finally i put my head under the faucet part of the bathtub and rinsed. it physically hurt my scalp, the rushing ice cold water. now im freezing. i keep hoping the hot water will come back soon, bc i didnt get to wash myself, and the conditioner isnt thoroughly rinsed, and then maybe i'd warm up a wee bit.

the enigma child might be stopping by in an hour. im not having an anxiety attack though so probably it wont happen. i have to pee again. i just peed. ugh.

*this basements a coffin, im buried alive i'll die in here just to be safe.. ill die in here.. just to be.. safe.*
dashboard confessional

AHHH!! i can finally play it!!! i can play "the places you have come to fear the most"!!!!!!! I CAN I CAN I CAN! and all along i thought i'd be a failure. but no. i took a nap, and then i said "benny.." (thats my guitars name) ".. we're gonna dooo this!" and we DID! i am beyond excited right now. BEYOND EXCITED!

i dont even CARE that you, mr. enigma, woke me up at 9:47 this morning, when i'd only gone to bed at 645, telling me that you were working on the lights in a hotel that was 40 stories and had a rooftop and a gorgeous view, and it would be even better than a theatre.. and when i responded "awww roof tops are hot, they are def on my list. i hope you enjoy yr view!" that wasnt good enough, so you responded "haha, that was the best fuck you ever, zing!" and i didnt get it. i didnt, i was like "i didnt say fuck you, did i?" cos, granted i had responded while i was half asleep.. so i guess you wrote something like "i told you that there was a beautiful rooftop view and you couldve been like ill be right there, but you were like enjoy yr view, like fuck you, i wont make you forget yr name again. did you get laid last night?" and i was like "whatever." seriously, i mean. way to prove that you only wanna fuck me. but i overlooked that, and i said "of course i'll come over there and make you forget yr name, im always up for that, and i have my new yellow cardigan on.." and i guess it made you happy that i'd decided to buy it and you really wanted me to come see you, but you didnt get my message and by the time i sent you another one, you were on yr way home. you said you'd be back at the same place working tomorrow... so i said i would come by then. cos you know why? COS I DO THIS TO MYSELF. cos i know that you want one thing, and i know it keeps you coming around, and i know.. i know that if i stopped there would be a discussion and i might actually have to let on that YOU ARE FUCKING KILLING ME but i need you, and if this is the only way i can have you then its what i settle for. BUT DO I NEED YOU? why why why.....

anyway. im going back to benny, who loves me unconditionally, and plays my song, my ANTHEM.. "perfect makeup but yr barely scraping by, but yr barely scraping by..." only i can still fake it hard enough to please everyone but myself. AND THE GRAVE THAT YOU REFUSE TO LEAVE.... yah, thats me. burying myself alive, at all times...

*in you i see further. can it last forever?
identify your patients, xy configurations.
words are lost in your eyes. one thought inside my heart.
drop addicts in the mixture, falcons have blown the fixture.
think of me as days pass us by. shards of glass, skies of gold. steal my breath. blood runs cold. violet waves. oceans blue. all my love. lost in you. in you i see further. can it last forever?
sinkhole that we would frequent, white heels safe from extinction
words are lost in your eyes. ine thought inside my heart.
i said that i dont need you, but im a liar, i swear i do, i do
strip away vanity
(i do)
just as you consume me
(i do)
broken smile, starless sky
(i do)
save it all, say goodbye..*
from autumn to ashes

you.. you again today.. you... i dont know. you just YOU. i went to virgin megastore for a major cd purchasing extravaganza.. and i saw yr cd.. so i was like "wow!" and i sent you a message.. "im at virgin megastore and they have yr cd" and you respond: "sweet. we totally played a movielife song last night and people were singing along." so i was like "oh, the song you told me about? should i move yr cd to the virgin recommends punk section hehe"... and you say: "hell yes! thank you that rocks, you rule!" and i was like awwwwww... so whatever, im shopping and i come along this new kids on the block greatest hits cd, and i message: "oh, did you want me to pick up nkotb's greatest hits for you?" ... and so im walking down the street in the middle of times square, and you write: "i already have that, i got it through the fan club, but thanks for thinking of me, that was sweet of you hehe" and i like died laughing. i dont know why, but i just stood there in the rain amost hyserically laughing.. see, you are totally capable of brighting my day, and making sunshine in the rain.. so i get it together, and respond: "awww thats too bad, i was hoping i could make yr day!" and yr like.. "any other ideas? you already did by putting our cd in its proper place. hehe" so i wrote something like "yay i did my good deed for the day! i really want this yellow cardigan, but i dont think i have anything that goes with it.." so you said "it goes with jeans.. and bees. get it if you want it. you deserve it.. youve been good." and i was like "aww." so whatever, around 11, i thought i was gonna go to bed, so i messaged you: "goodnight pretty. thanks for a really good laugh today (the fan club thing).. hugs." and yr like "goodnight sweetness."

and so i sat here and i like hung my head in shame. im not supposed to love the words you write.. im supposed to be over it. remember? yr not supposed to captivate me and make me smile.. butttttt i havent made an effort to see you. cos i kinda am past that for now. i shouldnt have even messaged you, im supposed to be neglecting you, and not allow you to KNOW im thinking of you.. which its obvious that i am when i send you a message. WILL IT EVER END? will i ever really get over this? what if years go by and our paths cross again and we realize that now we havent wasted seven years, but fifteen, or twenty?

it wont end..

i just watched romeo and juliet. i cried.

*im waiting to give you whatever the world may bring id give you my life
cause i dont own anything. it seemed like the bottom was all that i had until now. id give you my life if youd give me yours somehow.*
further seems forever

so this is what letting go coes down to? me feeling it take over, but refusing to let go. part of me is petrafied.. what will it be like to not be hung up on you? will it ever really stop? will i coalesce the next time you need to get laid, or will i be busy? and when i cave, as i probably will, are you going to be evil and make me so sad that things are only what they are? what if i move on? will you be sorry? YOU NEVER WANTED TO BE WITH ME, YOU COULD NEVER LOVE ME.. i say it over and over again, and i believe it. i truly believe it. but part of me aches to not believe it, to return to the days where i was sure that deep down you cared, but you were just too busy. the game is over though, i ran out of delusions and the deceptions have faded.....

it stinks in here. trash needs to be taken out. tomorrow...

yo. so i worked like 90 hours tonight. ok. 9. but still, so i worked 9 hours tonight, i finished work at 2, didnt leave till like 245.. went to westway with lee and justin and katrina.. we drank some (they had beers, i had a pina colada and then two coronas, even though i dont drink anymore. oops.) and we had some mozzerella sticks while waiting for shasta, teri and baxter. they got there, we ate.. drank more.. reminesced (sp?) about 80s tv.. like saved by the bell, small wonder, out of this world, my two dads, growing pains.. it was fun. i had a really good time, i really genuinely like everyone who went out tonight. teri and i shared a cab home, and i got here at like 445. im getting ready to go to sleep, bc i have to work a DOUBLE tomorrow. ugh. kimberly owes me BIG for this. i picked up her night 1, which is CLOSING, so ill be there till 2 again. i can afford to take a taxi home though, so at least ill have that. unless i do shitty tomorrow.. ive been having decent shifts lately, pulling at least $100 per shift.. tonight i made $171. yesterday i made $127.. wed i made $144.. so i mean, im not having money problems at all.. if i make $200 tomorrow, that would be perfect. buy some smokes, take a taxi home, give baxter $60 for drugs.. and still have $100 left over to deposit or buy groceries. anyway, im thinking ill work abouther 13-14 hours tomorrow, so thats good, i think my hours will be high this week. maybe 35. i have off sunday, monday and tuesday. wooooohoooo!

so. that boy i met on myspace came by chevys today. we chatted for a few minutes, then i took a break to smoke a cigarette and we chatted outside. it was nice. we only interacted for about 10 minutes, so i cant say much.. and i got home late, so of course no one is online right now, just some folks with away messages on. so yah. maybe we'll get together on one of my days off..

so thats that. the back of my head hurts a little. its gonna be really warm, but really wet tomorrow. hopefully i'll miss the brunt of it while im at the workplace. if i fall asleep by 615, i can still get 5 hours sleep.. xoxo

*a little bit more than i ever wanted, a little bit more than you could ever say.. did you really think that i'd forgotten? kicked out the windshield, water coming in, fade away, fade away..
push just a little too late. is this what you want? what you need? is this what you wanted me to be? always loved me strapped to you, lock it down and drive me through
i tried to give more than you thought i'd take now.. taking more than you could ever say. push come to shove you kicked me in the head, you knock me down i ripped the handle off again, i wanted more than this, wanted more than this, fade away, fade away..
push just a little too late..is this what you want? what you need? is this what you wanted me to be? always loved me strapped to you, lock it down and drive me through
hands gripped to the wheel held too tight to feel, face pressed to the glass, please don't ask.. one more breath, one more, it's alright.. i could never give enough, have enough, be enough, you could never stand to stay there.. only only only, fade away, fade away..
push just a little too late.. is this what you want? what you need? is this what you wanted me to be? always loved me strapped to you, lock it down and drive me through.. push just a little too late.. i wanted more than this.. i expected more than this..*
moist

im sleeeepy. i took the nyquil a while ago, and now im starting to feel dreamy and light. im smoking my last cig before bed right now, so i thought id babble for a minute.

i met a boy on myspace, he appears to be nice. we have a lot in common. i dont know if he like, likes me or whatnot, but he sent me a message the other night saying "i hope im not being too forward, but would you want to talk online some or get a cup of coffee?" of course my mind is getting ahead of me and im freaking out that ill have to give up the enigma. part of me is excited to get out of the cycle with him, and part of me wants to see how he'd react to me moving on and seeing someone else.. i never told him about victor, so he couldnt react.. but then, things never went anywhere with victor. not to say that they will with this boy, but i always worry about things that havent happened yet and could possibly not happen. im kinda freaked out about it though, cos i think hes great online, but thats happened to me sooo many times, meeting someone in hardcore chat on AOL in like 1997 and then meeting at a show and having there be no spark for me.. it lets me down sort of.

like frank. frank and i met in the hc chat in 97 or 98, and we like totally fell in love on the internet, but when we hung out, he was into me, but i was without spark.. and everything fell apart, we couldnt be friends.... speaking of frank. he IMed the other day. we hadnt talked in like a year.. he'll randomly IM me sometimes, and he's usually sarcastic and bitter, but HE imed ME, so i never get it.. i wonder how he would feel if he knew that i'd printed out all of his emails (from the adoring ones to the hate ridden ones), and they are neatly tucked into one of my journals.. i still have all of his desparate, threatening words...

but yah. i dont want it to go that way, i dont wanna feel like there could be something with this kid to have it fall flat at first sight. he said he was maybe gonna stop by chevys tomorrow night to dop off an application, bc he got fired from uno's today.. and he said he'd say hi.. so i guess if theres no spark we can nip it in the bud before i get involved with being interested in a person through a computer. which im THOROUGHLY AGAINST, by the way, even though ive met most of my friends through AOL.. from like hc chat back in the day.. or like my pace friends, who i met bc steve did an AOL search for "pace university" and IMed me, and it turned out that tom and i were like the male/female versions of each other.. and through tom i met sean and al and dennis and adam..

anyway. im going to bed, the eyelids are heavy.. sleep well.

ok. kim wants to go to maine this weekend to see her bro and sister bc her brother is doing so well and blah blah, and she might not see her sis again till august but i REALLLLLY need to work on my thesis this weekend, im so behind, i was supposed to have the research done like 2 weeks ago, my first draft is due in like 2-3 weeks and im freaking out bc my thesis has to be approved and submitted to the deans office by may 1.. thats 8 weeks! which in actuality leaves me about 24 days, 16 only of which i'd be able to dedicate the *entire* day to my thesis. i failed on saturday so i really had to do it this week, but she like begged me to take her shift last night, and today she emailed me like all begging MORE saying like how much it would mean to her, and how badly i know she needs to get away for a wee bit.. but no one ever picks up my shifts when i wanna not work for a few days, you know? and there were some times when i really wanted to do something, but she didnt pick up my shifts, so im like.. well, should i be a good friend and just work on my thesis sunday?

well. ok. a good thing has come out of this ranting.. im going to attept to give away my sunday morning, that way i can work a double on saturday and have off sunday, and spent all day sunday on it.

off to therapy...

theres a breaking point, i dont know where it is,
but im sure it exists..
torn between my heart that screams dont go and
my logic that knows you could never love me
it keeps me awake
it keeps me alive
and it drags me into this mess of emotion that im
not sure will ever feel right.
theres a breaking point, i dont know where it is,
but im sure it exists..
so hold me tight because tonight could be the night,
tonight i could break
and break down
and tell you to leave...
(im not the betting type, but i'd bet it wont be)
but theres a point.. a breaking point
it hovers on the horizon
and im sure that it exists
sure.. so sure.. so sure..

im gonna try to write guitar to it tomorrow..

sweet dreams..

*..bits and pieces of Valley of the Dolls..*

Lyon: "You think from day to day. If you allow yourself to think of the future - any personal future - you lose your nerve. And suddenly you recall all the senseless time-wasting you've done ... the wasted minutes you'll never recover. And you realize that time is the most precious thing. Because time is life. It's the only thing you can't get back. You can lose a girl and perhaps win her back - or find another. But a second - this second - when it goes, it's irrevocably gone."
*
Anne: Did money give people a blind spot? Rob them of their hearing?
*
Jennifer: That's what a great body was for, to get things you wanted.
*
Kevin: "Oh, we use sex - but in a subtle kind of way. Anne is beautiful. But she has the type of beauty women can identify with. A college girl or young matron will think she can look like Anne if she uses our product, but she would never think she could look like Jennifer. You're selling escapism in pictures - I'm selling a product."
*
Henry: "A man who could cut every tie the way Lyon does is a man who could never care deeply. Lyon is like Jennifer in a way. They fall in love, the Lyons and the Jennifers, but they can walk away unscarred. Because Number One always comes first."
*
Henry: "I'm not really in love with Helen any more, but I can't break the habit. It sneaks up on you, Anne - the habit. And after all emotion is gone and logic takes over, the habit is still there. For the rest of your life. So don't you, at twenty-two, start building any habit. Lyon isn't wasting a moment thinking about you. Believe me. And you stop thinking about him."
*
Neely O'Hara: "All i know is how to study lines, songs, dance routines, to starve, to sleep with pills, stay awake with pills. ... There's got to be more than that to living."
*
Anne: Anne felt sad. People parted, years passed, they met again - and the meeting proved no reunion, offered no warm memories, only the acid knowledge that time had passed and things weren't as bright or attractive as they had been. She was glad Lyon was in England. She'd hate to run into him like this, to find that his hair had thinned or that the girl he dated was too young, too insipid. It was better to keep a memory intact.
***

im hungry. i finished valley of the dolls on the train back to brooklyn tonight. i loved it, you should go buy it right now and read it. im not kidding. i got so involved in everyones lives and i identified with the characters sometimes.. like in Jennifer's last chapter.. how she feels like she's only worth her body and good for sex.. i've felt like that so many times. men are so.. mindless sometimes. even boyfriends, they fucking think they own you, and if yr tired and you say you dont want to, they keep trying until you say "ok fine" just to get it over with so you can go to sleep.. i dont even know if they're conscious of it, but you fucking dont own me just cos yr my boyfriend.. that title doesnt allow you unlimited access to me..... i dont know. it makes me mad how little men care about feelings that might get hurt or how you could fuck someone up, and how selfish they can be.. maybe its just me.

its cold in here, which is odd for me, bc its been warm the past few days, plus my mothers house is a lot warmer than our apartment.

my back hurts, im full of whine.. im still slightly glowing from last night.. i think ill do a crossword. maybe later ill type that song i wrote....

oh and by the way im waaay mad at neely o'hara.. i know i posted the bright eyes song about her the other day, but im reading the book, and i have 22 pages left bc im obsessed with it and cant put it down (i started it a week ago).. and im sorry if im ruining it for anyone but that fucker started courting lyon who is married to anne, who i remind jim of. and anne and lyon are so .. or were so.. in love and they had a baby and fucking neely o'hara, convinced she's a star and can have anything she wants... fucking neely o'hara. im so mad. she better like overdose on seconals in the next 22 pages or something. seriously.

*the sun falls on my eyes and im struggling to reason why everybody smiles am i the only one who feels this way at all is someone too proud to let it go and im swallowing my feet and choking on everything i feel*
penfold

im on long island. sitting in the little alcove where the computer is. i feel like im in a pet shop. my brother and emily live down here, and they have so much wildlife.. there is a bearded dragon, a turtle (who has been a part of the family since we were wee kids), there is a big fish tank with snails and fish and cleaner shrimp, and there is a smaller fish tank with four grown seahorses and one itty bitty baby seahorse. plus the cats, who are presently chasing each other around the house. there was a silverfish in my bedroom a little while ago, and i showed it to belly. shes retarded, so it took her a while, but she ate it. hehehehe.

i saw the enigma last night. he totally got here late. he fell asleep. hes soooo good at that. anyway he arrived at 12:15. too late to rent a movie, so we went to stony brook. he wanted to show me this nature trail like thing by the gristmill. there is a statue in the middle, and he wanted to go there, but when we got there, it appeared that the trail was on private property and the gate was closed, and there were lights on inside. and neither of us felt like getting arrested. so we drove over to the long island sound and talked for a while.. we talked about guitar and his band, and some shows he turned down.. and we talked about how i live in kims shadow, and how i feel like we're drifting apart. then we talked about how we both gave up drinking.. so whatever, we were just talking and i was laying with my head on his lap, looking up at him and he wanted to go someplace, so i said we could go back to my house, and he was like "i dont know, i feel bad bc we'll fool around and i cant stay long so i wont be able to lay there cos i gotta get my mom juice in the morning and ill be paranoid that ill fall asleep." so i dont know, i was like "ok." and he was concerned that i was upset. so that spring boarded into a discussion about me, and how im not like that.. i basically told him that i think that maybe he is used to girls that get upset over things like having to go, or his lack of available time and whatnot, and i tried to explain that im not one of them. if i look sad when hes leaving, its bc im bummed, bc i like him, because i dont want him to leave, but i *understand* that he has to.. and im not upset with him. so i think he understood and i guess it might have really helped.. cos i feel like he always thinks im upset with him, when im not. i told him "dont you remember mean gille? the gille who told you 'i never want to see you again'?" he said he didnt remember.. he was like "wow, you said that?" and i did, in 1998, i totally said i never wanted to see him again.. and i didnt for a long time. i told him that when im upset like mad, he will know, and i will not cover up my anger to be nice. so yah. we came back here, and i gave him the maxim i got him with eliza dushku on the cover and he was pretty happy, but he threw it on the floor and he was like "ill look at that later" and went back to rubbing my belly. hottttt. whatever happened and i was like "you can leave in a few minutes, just stay with me for a little while, and i promise that if you fall asleep, ill poke you and tell you that you have to go home and be a good son" and he was like "awww" and he kissed me. so like 15 minutes later he was like "ok, i better go" so we got up and i walked him out. we got to the car and he gave me a huge hug and he thanked me for the magazine and for everything and i thanked him for coming and there were a bunch of little kisses and hugs and he was like "send me a message tomorrow" and i said "you send me a message when you get home." so he did, and i wished him sweet dreams... then he sent me a message this morning asking me how i felt, and i said good, and he wrote back that he was at work, and he didnt wanna be, only you couldnt tell bc he had a huge smile on his face. and i was like awww.. it brought me back to like 9 months ago when he would spend the night and send me messages about how he was still smiling........

and speaking of that.. i miss it. i miss when he'd spend the night and wake up in the morning cuddling me, putting his hand over my mouth when i told him it was time to go, kissing my forehead and saying five more minutes.. that was when we had time to be cute.. when he'd get to my place at like 8pm, and we'd watch a movie and cuddle and then make out on the couch before moving to my room, when there was still foreplay and a crazy buildup to whatever came later.. and then falling asleep together. he would fall asleep, i would lay there and look at him and smile. bc i dont sleep. now its like.. ok we have two or three hours, so the foreplay is gone and the staying to cuddle is gone.. its just a movie or a drive or some tv, and then being physical, and then he's out. the last time we went out.. was like forever ago. on mothers day we went to the movies with his friends.. and like two weeks before that, he'd come into the city and i met him and his friends for dinner in the village, and we hung out and had a good time before coming back to my place and having whatever happen. sigh. i know he's using me, although im not sure if hes conscious of that fact. i truly believe he may have deluded himself enough to think that im ok with this, when really im torn.. i wrote a song today. maybe ill post it later....

one of the cleaner shrimp is cleaning the clown fish. the clown fish is retarded, its just bobs up and down. now its cleaning the psychadelic fish. seriously, one could just sit and look at the fish tank all night and be mesmorized.

anyway. its almost 830. no one is home. i think i might get my bag together so i can try to make the 10:11 train. one tree hill ends at 10, and if we leave right away, i can make that train.. plus i have to go outside to smoke a butt, and i want to.. so. maybe ill have more to say later, when i get back to brooklyn. maybe.

*i want to fuck you like an animal. i wanna feel you from the inside. i wanna fuck you like an animal. my whole existance is flawed.. you make me closer to god*
nine inch nails (i think thats right, from memory)

so it way late and i should be asleep. but i am not. spent the night sharing erotic text messages with my favorite enigma/my favorite mistake.. it was unbelievable, the things we said. we sort of made a date for tomorrow, to live out some fantasies. im psyched.

work was alright tonight. good people. i have a good schedule next week so that is certainly yay. im going to LI tomorrow. im going to have dinner with my dad, and then hang out with mom for a bit, and then the enigma is supposedly going to pick me up for a drive to the beach. i dont know what beach. and considering hes going to sleep only like 4 hours tonight, im willing to bet he flakes on me. but. oh well. im not counting on him, but i have a feeling that he wont be able to resist anyway. not after tonight...

im going to bed its waaaaay past my bedtime, yo. sweet dreams!!

Survey - Yay!
-Current Hair Color: *its blackish reddish brownish hair. it works.
-Natural: *dark brown
-Left Handed: *nope.
-Number of Siblings:*just rich.
-Parents divorced:*yes
-Parent(s) gay?: *no...
-First place you lived: *farmingville, long island, ny
-Have roommates?:*yes, candace.
-Pets: *two kitties at my moms house, yoda and belly.
-Drink: *nope
-do drugs: *eh, you know.
Love and Rockets:
-Ever been in love: *sigh..
-In a relationship: *nope, i be single. boo and yay.
-Been cheated on?: *probably. id put momey on nick having cheated on me, being that he was so close with jan for the last month before we broke up and then immediately started going out with her, and shes always been sleazy like that, fucking other peoples boyfriends. but whatever. im not as bitter as that sounded.
-Cheated on someone: *once, i was 16.
-Been Engaged: *no..
-Been Married: *no..
-Done a long distance relationship: *yes. it failed.
-Did it work: *nope...
-Love someone now: *eh. i dont believe in love anymore, i dont think. its all chemical reactions and stuff. its fake.
-Someone love you: *all my friends.
-Did it with someone of the same sex: *nope.
-Kissed someone of the same sex: *nope.
-Kissed two people in the same day: *yes.
-Kissed two people at the same time: *no.
-Had sex with two seperate people at two seperate times in the same day: *busted!
-Ever had a stalker: *yes! he sucked!
-Ever stalked someone: *antonia and i used to stalk our boyfriends...
-Dated the artist: *ive dated an artist..
-Dated the rock star: *ive dated (mostly) boys in bands..
-Broken a heart: *yes.
-Had your heart broken: *god yes.
-Bad girls or the good ones: *i like boys..
-Bands/singers that reminds you of your first love: *alice in chains.. esp jar of flies.
-Band that reminds you of your most recent love: *grade.
This month have you:
-Thrown up: *no bc i gave up drinking in december..
-Played sick from work: *i never do that. i need money.
-Cried: yessss.
-Done something you regret: *no.
-Got drunk: *no.
-Cut your hair: *yes.
-Gotten a tattoo: *no.
-Been on stage: *umm.. no. not in the past month.
-Been on TV: *no.
-Dyed your hair: *no.
-Did it: *um.. yes. yes i have, but its been almost a month.
-Cuddled: *yes, but also not in almost a month
-Fell asleep not at your house: *at my mothers house.
-Gotten Stood up: *not in the past month.
-Stood someone up: *no.
-Gone out to the movies: *no. i havent been to the movies since june.
-Fallen in love: *no.
Have you ever:
-Been hit: *no
-By someone of the opposite sex: *no
-Have you ever hit someone: *yes
-Shot a gun: *no
-Dressed up for Halloween outside of childhood? *hells yes i was a slutty schoolgirl last year and i won $20 for it!
-Broken the law: *yes.
-Been arrested: *no.
-Been handcuffed: *no.
-Been scared you would die: *all the time. its my biggest fear..