Saturday, March 27, 2004
*in this house of cards, we're all holding hearts and spades (one breath, one step could knock it all down) you lead with yr eyes and you give it away (decide, design to cut from the clouds) when the people you love get lost in the shuffle (when you leave you leave nothing but broken hearts) you let it go and then you fold*
thursday
so im feelin kinda bummed. kim came over before and she tried on a bunch of my skirts. she looks better in my clothes than i do. it kinda makes me sad. i mean.. i dont know. im used to getting a lot of attention, and i feel like having her as a friend takes that down cos some attention gets deflected. i think im being selfish. but yah, im feeling a bit down on myself. im also kinda upset bc we were shopping yesterday and i fell in love with these hooker shoes at cheap jacks, but they were too small. they fit kim, so she got them. THAT BITCH. now she'll get the boys in MY skirts and MY shoes. grrr.
im also missing the enigma. as always. i mean. i havent made an attempt to get in touch with him since over a week ago. he sent me a message the other day, thursday, to say that he thought scraps and heart attacks was playing this weekend, and asked what i was doing. i said i was working. i asked about how the visas were coming for canada, and i said i booked vegas. and he fuckin asked when i was going. LIKE I DIDNT TELL HIM LAST WEEK. cos i DID. you never listen to anything that i say.
the news report said that this weekends weather was a "false starter." those bastards! (just like arthur from the king of queens!!!) im soo falling asleep here. i only slept like 6 hours thursday night, went shopping with kim and derek. worked from 5 - 130. it was ok there was a party of 155, and i did nothing and got my $42 of the tip. i was mad cos i didnt get cut till 1130, and i was in the back. i didnt end of leaving till 130am. i walked with lee to the 59th st bridge. we sang one hit wonders and that turned into talking about snl with nick lachey and jessica simpson, and the skit where they play singing waiters in a mexican restaurant.. and the manager (horatio sanz) comes over and goes, to the tune of "she blinded me with science": "do you have a problem? im the shift manager. she blinded me with science! SCIENCE!" so we were wandering around the city yelling "SCIENCE!!!" like idiots. but it was fun and sober, which makes me happy. sometimes i worry that i have lost so much that sober is never fun. but then i realize that this is only temporary, and when im through weeding out people who arent worth it, who could never understand me.. if a person has too many assumptions, they can never really know who i am. bc ill close those chapters off, ill never let you see the reasons why i cant snap back into the charming girl i was in high school. its bc ive been made to feel like im worthless for so long that i dont know how else to feel. even with boyfriends, i felt like degraded and crappy.. nick always told me what i horrible person i was, that i was fat, that i was selfish, that i was a hypochondriac (yah, the girl that NEVER gets sick a fuckin hypochondriac.. its called anxiety disorder you fuck, i never thought i was sick all the time. i was just nauseas. but you could never understand that.) mark made me feel like i was nothing.. and all the boys who never made it past using me. fuuuuuuuck.
..and then you joined the ranks of those boys.
but i really thought that you cared..
i was talking about work, wasnt i? well. yah. so i got home last night at 3ish.. came online, talked to mike for a while.. then it was 430 and my okcupid buddy signed on, and that turned into being up till 6.. the last time i looked at the clock, it said 6:40, and its 16 minutes fast. i dont know how much longer it took me to fall asleep but i dont think long.
i wonder what it feels like to be asleep. every night before i go to sleep i vow to keep thinking about it, so i can feel what its like to be sleeping. but no. i fall asleep and then i wake up and i dont know how i felt or what i thought. i rarely remember my dreams.
so i woke up at 8:40 (which is really 8:24). got less than 2 hours sleep. put on the uniform, walked to the subway in the dreary rain like atmosphere.. it wasnt raining. but i felt like id been deprived of the beaty of the morning. when its bright and dewy and damp, and everything looks like its glowing in the haze.. and in my head i hear it and i see it like that last scene in kids, when the moring is waking up, and theres that music.. the music that sounds like a plant growing towards the sun.. do you even know what im talking about? that music.. there is a penfold song, its like the last song on our first taste of escape.. and its all piano and it feels that way to me, it feels like the morning, it feels like growth and sunshine and all thats beautiful in the world. im afraid that i'll leave that feeling in new york city when i leave. long island is like a different world, it has its own beautiful things that cannot be replicated in this city.. like the smell of rain. it just smells dirty here, but on long island, the rain smells like this gorgeous freshness, peaceful and relaxing. like chamomile tea.
i forgot where i was going with this. i think i was on my way to work. soooo.. i got to times square and i went to starbucks bc its the only place thats not mcdonalds around chevys. i got a big coffee and a bagel. i got on the retard line, however, and it took wayyyy long. so i went to work, brewed more coffee, started the iced tea.. wrote up the floor plans, cut up limes and lemons.. then i finally ate my bagel. i got slammed for a while, but i did really well, soooo many people hooked me up all day! these two girls left $10 on $30, lots of 20-25% tips.. and my last table.. i almost didnt take it, but i did.. and they had a bunch of margaritas (it was just two ppl) .. their check was $74, and the woman was admiring my tattoo, and she showed me hers, it was a rose on her ankle. i told her i drewm my tattoo, and she was like "oh, if i got it would it be copyright infringment?" and i was kinda bugged out by that. like, why would you want to get someone else's tattoo, that they drew out specifacally for themself? but anyway, we started talking about tattoos, and i said i was gonna get a new one next week in vegas, which turned into talking about vegas (and seriously, everyone i tell im going says, "oh yr gonna love it!" like they know me).. and they ended up giving me $10.. then they paid the check and there was $80 in there for the $75 bill.. so we're up to $15 now.. and i went to get the book, and as i thanked them, she was like "ooooh!" reaches in her purse, pulls out a $20 and goes "ooh! have fun in vegas!" and i like almost died!. thats $35 on a $70 tab. long story short, i sold $1,244 today.. i tipped out $55 and walked with $199. i almost broke $200 on a saturday morning shift! but the thing is, im exhausted. i worked almost 18 hours this week already (in TWO DAYS!) and tomorrow im good from 1130 till at least 8. so.. ill be tired tomorrow thats for sure. im tired NOW. my eyes burn. but i feel like i dont know how to go to bed before midnight. im thinking about having another bagel right now..
anyway this has been way too long.. and the whole time i was just typing the way the words popped into my mind. so its probably very scattered.. such is my life.
"SCIENCE!!!!!!"
*im falling down, im falling down, and yr not here to break my fall. i shut my eyes when yr around i hold my breath to kill the sound. im falling down, im falling down, and yr not here...*
thursday
so im feelin kinda bummed. kim came over before and she tried on a bunch of my skirts. she looks better in my clothes than i do. it kinda makes me sad. i mean.. i dont know. im used to getting a lot of attention, and i feel like having her as a friend takes that down cos some attention gets deflected. i think im being selfish. but yah, im feeling a bit down on myself. im also kinda upset bc we were shopping yesterday and i fell in love with these hooker shoes at cheap jacks, but they were too small. they fit kim, so she got them. THAT BITCH. now she'll get the boys in MY skirts and MY shoes. grrr.
im also missing the enigma. as always. i mean. i havent made an attempt to get in touch with him since over a week ago. he sent me a message the other day, thursday, to say that he thought scraps and heart attacks was playing this weekend, and asked what i was doing. i said i was working. i asked about how the visas were coming for canada, and i said i booked vegas. and he fuckin asked when i was going. LIKE I DIDNT TELL HIM LAST WEEK. cos i DID. you never listen to anything that i say.
the news report said that this weekends weather was a "false starter." those bastards! (just like arthur from the king of queens!!!) im soo falling asleep here. i only slept like 6 hours thursday night, went shopping with kim and derek. worked from 5 - 130. it was ok there was a party of 155, and i did nothing and got my $42 of the tip. i was mad cos i didnt get cut till 1130, and i was in the back. i didnt end of leaving till 130am. i walked with lee to the 59th st bridge. we sang one hit wonders and that turned into talking about snl with nick lachey and jessica simpson, and the skit where they play singing waiters in a mexican restaurant.. and the manager (horatio sanz) comes over and goes, to the tune of "she blinded me with science": "do you have a problem? im the shift manager. she blinded me with science! SCIENCE!" so we were wandering around the city yelling "SCIENCE!!!" like idiots. but it was fun and sober, which makes me happy. sometimes i worry that i have lost so much that sober is never fun. but then i realize that this is only temporary, and when im through weeding out people who arent worth it, who could never understand me.. if a person has too many assumptions, they can never really know who i am. bc ill close those chapters off, ill never let you see the reasons why i cant snap back into the charming girl i was in high school. its bc ive been made to feel like im worthless for so long that i dont know how else to feel. even with boyfriends, i felt like degraded and crappy.. nick always told me what i horrible person i was, that i was fat, that i was selfish, that i was a hypochondriac (yah, the girl that NEVER gets sick a fuckin hypochondriac.. its called anxiety disorder you fuck, i never thought i was sick all the time. i was just nauseas. but you could never understand that.) mark made me feel like i was nothing.. and all the boys who never made it past using me. fuuuuuuuck.
..and then you joined the ranks of those boys.
but i really thought that you cared..
i was talking about work, wasnt i? well. yah. so i got home last night at 3ish.. came online, talked to mike for a while.. then it was 430 and my okcupid buddy signed on, and that turned into being up till 6.. the last time i looked at the clock, it said 6:40, and its 16 minutes fast. i dont know how much longer it took me to fall asleep but i dont think long.
i wonder what it feels like to be asleep. every night before i go to sleep i vow to keep thinking about it, so i can feel what its like to be sleeping. but no. i fall asleep and then i wake up and i dont know how i felt or what i thought. i rarely remember my dreams.
so i woke up at 8:40 (which is really 8:24). got less than 2 hours sleep. put on the uniform, walked to the subway in the dreary rain like atmosphere.. it wasnt raining. but i felt like id been deprived of the beaty of the morning. when its bright and dewy and damp, and everything looks like its glowing in the haze.. and in my head i hear it and i see it like that last scene in kids, when the moring is waking up, and theres that music.. the music that sounds like a plant growing towards the sun.. do you even know what im talking about? that music.. there is a penfold song, its like the last song on our first taste of escape.. and its all piano and it feels that way to me, it feels like the morning, it feels like growth and sunshine and all thats beautiful in the world. im afraid that i'll leave that feeling in new york city when i leave. long island is like a different world, it has its own beautiful things that cannot be replicated in this city.. like the smell of rain. it just smells dirty here, but on long island, the rain smells like this gorgeous freshness, peaceful and relaxing. like chamomile tea.
i forgot where i was going with this. i think i was on my way to work. soooo.. i got to times square and i went to starbucks bc its the only place thats not mcdonalds around chevys. i got a big coffee and a bagel. i got on the retard line, however, and it took wayyyy long. so i went to work, brewed more coffee, started the iced tea.. wrote up the floor plans, cut up limes and lemons.. then i finally ate my bagel. i got slammed for a while, but i did really well, soooo many people hooked me up all day! these two girls left $10 on $30, lots of 20-25% tips.. and my last table.. i almost didnt take it, but i did.. and they had a bunch of margaritas (it was just two ppl) .. their check was $74, and the woman was admiring my tattoo, and she showed me hers, it was a rose on her ankle. i told her i drewm my tattoo, and she was like "oh, if i got it would it be copyright infringment?" and i was kinda bugged out by that. like, why would you want to get someone else's tattoo, that they drew out specifacally for themself? but anyway, we started talking about tattoos, and i said i was gonna get a new one next week in vegas, which turned into talking about vegas (and seriously, everyone i tell im going says, "oh yr gonna love it!" like they know me).. and they ended up giving me $10.. then they paid the check and there was $80 in there for the $75 bill.. so we're up to $15 now.. and i went to get the book, and as i thanked them, she was like "ooooh!" reaches in her purse, pulls out a $20 and goes "ooh! have fun in vegas!" and i like almost died!. thats $35 on a $70 tab. long story short, i sold $1,244 today.. i tipped out $55 and walked with $199. i almost broke $200 on a saturday morning shift! but the thing is, im exhausted. i worked almost 18 hours this week already (in TWO DAYS!) and tomorrow im good from 1130 till at least 8. so.. ill be tired tomorrow thats for sure. im tired NOW. my eyes burn. but i feel like i dont know how to go to bed before midnight. im thinking about having another bagel right now..
anyway this has been way too long.. and the whole time i was just typing the way the words popped into my mind. so its probably very scattered.. such is my life.
"SCIENCE!!!!!!"
*im falling down, im falling down, and yr not here to break my fall. i shut my eyes when yr around i hold my breath to kill the sound. im falling down, im falling down, and yr not here...*
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