Friday, July 06, 2007
this glass house is burning down you light the match, i'll stick around i'll give you everything you want and wish the worst of what i was
* taking back sunday *
* taking back sunday *
blah.
so here i am. thursday night. i have effectively killed the last several days. it's thursday. sunday i hung out with mom and jay. monday i ran errands and read a whole book. tuesday i watched tv all day. wednesday same, but katie came over at 1030pm and we talked for like 7 hours. today mike came over, we watched heathers but it was comparable to hanging out with myself. he was half asleep the whole time. tomorrow i have my meeting at the new school, and antonia is sleeping over. saturday nothing, but it's supposed to be beautiful out. sunday dinner with val. one of the weekend days i want to go see my dad. next week is daunting, though. i have nothing on my calendar until friday night, when i will go to my mom's for a barbeque. sunday i will go to jersey. i am having serious misgivings about the trip to atlantic city. there is a large part of me that feels like the insanity with tom has to stop. i am not a placeholder. i don't want to be a placeholder. and for the time that i am hooking up with him, i will hold off on dating because i make commitments in my brain. it's confusing. he won't come hang out with me. i feel like i'm a convenience, not something he really wants. it was the same with joe, though he was willing to come see me. but that was because i had my own place, he lived at home. i'm always going to jersey. he's coming out to the island for sean's wedding, but has no time to hang out with me. if the shoe was on the other foot, i'd see what he was doing saturday so we could hang out before i went home. but not him. i'm sure he'll rush back to dirty jerz when he wakes up at the hotel on saturday. not stick around to cuddle. there was talk about graduating from making out to that next step. part of me is like "hell yes" because i haven't gotten any in 6.5 months. the other half worries that i'll become more emotionally involved in an imaginary situation. i'm sure my decision will be made on the spur of the moment. it will be lust driven. and then i will separate myself.
i'm lame. i'm stupid.
i have to get up in 7 hours. i don't want to sleep. i'm somewhat depressed lately, as should be evidenced by the solitude i've subjected myself to for the past 5 days. but ... i don't want to have a solitary summer. i'm bored with doing nothing. and it wouldn't get any better even if i met someone. i'm emailing with some dude, but he lives in white plains. that's not a wise decision...
i think i'll watch another episode of law & order before bed.
i need to not be alone. i'm not good at this anymore.
why do these words still form in my brain? i am 27 years old. im supposed to have rid myself of the angst i carried like a symbol of my youth.
gklngsghiodgsjnjwa,l;,;gdjfasguafnklsgdsdka
goodnight.
so here i am. thursday night. i have effectively killed the last several days. it's thursday. sunday i hung out with mom and jay. monday i ran errands and read a whole book. tuesday i watched tv all day. wednesday same, but katie came over at 1030pm and we talked for like 7 hours. today mike came over, we watched heathers but it was comparable to hanging out with myself. he was half asleep the whole time. tomorrow i have my meeting at the new school, and antonia is sleeping over. saturday nothing, but it's supposed to be beautiful out. sunday dinner with val. one of the weekend days i want to go see my dad. next week is daunting, though. i have nothing on my calendar until friday night, when i will go to my mom's for a barbeque. sunday i will go to jersey. i am having serious misgivings about the trip to atlantic city. there is a large part of me that feels like the insanity with tom has to stop. i am not a placeholder. i don't want to be a placeholder. and for the time that i am hooking up with him, i will hold off on dating because i make commitments in my brain. it's confusing. he won't come hang out with me. i feel like i'm a convenience, not something he really wants. it was the same with joe, though he was willing to come see me. but that was because i had my own place, he lived at home. i'm always going to jersey. he's coming out to the island for sean's wedding, but has no time to hang out with me. if the shoe was on the other foot, i'd see what he was doing saturday so we could hang out before i went home. but not him. i'm sure he'll rush back to dirty jerz when he wakes up at the hotel on saturday. not stick around to cuddle. there was talk about graduating from making out to that next step. part of me is like "hell yes" because i haven't gotten any in 6.5 months. the other half worries that i'll become more emotionally involved in an imaginary situation. i'm sure my decision will be made on the spur of the moment. it will be lust driven. and then i will separate myself.
i'm lame. i'm stupid.
i have to get up in 7 hours. i don't want to sleep. i'm somewhat depressed lately, as should be evidenced by the solitude i've subjected myself to for the past 5 days. but ... i don't want to have a solitary summer. i'm bored with doing nothing. and it wouldn't get any better even if i met someone. i'm emailing with some dude, but he lives in white plains. that's not a wise decision...
i think i'll watch another episode of law & order before bed.
i need to not be alone. i'm not good at this anymore.
why do these words still form in my brain? i am 27 years old. im supposed to have rid myself of the angst i carried like a symbol of my youth.
gklngsghiodgsjnjwa,l;,;gdjfasguafnklsgdsdka
goodnight.
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
that's when it turned on me a motorcade of 'meant to be's’ parades of beauty queens where soft entwines make kindling these many detailed things like broken nails and plastic rings will win by keeping me from speaking to my new darling and there's no way to know our future foe scenarios that's when it turned on me where bobby pins hold angel wings
*silversun pickups*
i might be somewhat obsessed with the above band. and the above song.
i'm tired. it's 2:24am. very exciting nothing going on. fourth of july. fourth of the first month of my boring summer. i need something to do. someone to do.
atlantic city in 10 or 11 days. sweeeet. going with tom. the debacle of friends with benefits continues. i don't know why. it actually makes no sense. he's cute and helpless and needs someone to look after him. he's like a baby bird. i'm, for some reason, attracted to this. but he thinks we're better as friends. so i am, effectively, a place holder, until someone better comes along. such is the story of my life. i'm dispensable. like with joe.. i was an emotional place holder. he wasn't happy with his girlfriend, and i relieved him of his needs. but i'm somewhat detached from tom now, though i do still feel good when he cuddles me. really good. maybe it's just the cuddles and nothing more. he's a super cuddly sloth. maybe i'll see him before then. i stayed at his place in jersey last monday AND friday. minday was weird when i got there because we had argued the day before. i called him typical. he was hurt and upset. but invited me to poker the next night. and insisted i stay the night. then he invited me to go to a show on friday. and i stayed the night. and the whole next day. and he didn't want me to leave when i did. but i'm sure it's just because i'm a warm body. he told me he thinks we're better as friends. he doesn't want me. but he wants my dirty text messages. go figure.
there has been some talk of going to the next level in atlantic city. it was sober discussion. but fueled by heavy making out. i'm afraid to make the move. he wants to, but didn't think we should a few weeks ago. friday he seemed to change his tune. i cannot get any more emotionally involved in this.
20 days until costa rica!!!!
i got a job. i'm pretty psyched. same pay, 1/5 of the amount of students. no colleagues. i get to work alone. i AM the social studies department. very exciting. so i don't have to move in december which is the most exciting aspect of this gaining of a job. YAY.
my kitty is gorgeous.. she's sleeping. i love her more than i love anything in the world. if only i could meet a guy that makes me feel that way.
sleep? sleeeeep......
*silversun pickups*
i might be somewhat obsessed with the above band. and the above song.
i'm tired. it's 2:24am. very exciting nothing going on. fourth of july. fourth of the first month of my boring summer. i need something to do. someone to do.
atlantic city in 10 or 11 days. sweeeet. going with tom. the debacle of friends with benefits continues. i don't know why. it actually makes no sense. he's cute and helpless and needs someone to look after him. he's like a baby bird. i'm, for some reason, attracted to this. but he thinks we're better as friends. so i am, effectively, a place holder, until someone better comes along. such is the story of my life. i'm dispensable. like with joe.. i was an emotional place holder. he wasn't happy with his girlfriend, and i relieved him of his needs. but i'm somewhat detached from tom now, though i do still feel good when he cuddles me. really good. maybe it's just the cuddles and nothing more. he's a super cuddly sloth. maybe i'll see him before then. i stayed at his place in jersey last monday AND friday. minday was weird when i got there because we had argued the day before. i called him typical. he was hurt and upset. but invited me to poker the next night. and insisted i stay the night. then he invited me to go to a show on friday. and i stayed the night. and the whole next day. and he didn't want me to leave when i did. but i'm sure it's just because i'm a warm body. he told me he thinks we're better as friends. he doesn't want me. but he wants my dirty text messages. go figure.
there has been some talk of going to the next level in atlantic city. it was sober discussion. but fueled by heavy making out. i'm afraid to make the move. he wants to, but didn't think we should a few weeks ago. friday he seemed to change his tune. i cannot get any more emotionally involved in this.
20 days until costa rica!!!!
i got a job. i'm pretty psyched. same pay, 1/5 of the amount of students. no colleagues. i get to work alone. i AM the social studies department. very exciting. so i don't have to move in december which is the most exciting aspect of this gaining of a job. YAY.
my kitty is gorgeous.. she's sleeping. i love her more than i love anything in the world. if only i could meet a guy that makes me feel that way.
sleep? sleeeeep......
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