Friday, July 06, 2007
this glass house is burning down you light the match, i'll stick around i'll give you everything you want and wish the worst of what i was
* taking back sunday *
* taking back sunday *
blah.
so here i am. thursday night. i have effectively killed the last several days. it's thursday. sunday i hung out with mom and jay. monday i ran errands and read a whole book. tuesday i watched tv all day. wednesday same, but katie came over at 1030pm and we talked for like 7 hours. today mike came over, we watched heathers but it was comparable to hanging out with myself. he was half asleep the whole time. tomorrow i have my meeting at the new school, and antonia is sleeping over. saturday nothing, but it's supposed to be beautiful out. sunday dinner with val. one of the weekend days i want to go see my dad. next week is daunting, though. i have nothing on my calendar until friday night, when i will go to my mom's for a barbeque. sunday i will go to jersey. i am having serious misgivings about the trip to atlantic city. there is a large part of me that feels like the insanity with tom has to stop. i am not a placeholder. i don't want to be a placeholder. and for the time that i am hooking up with him, i will hold off on dating because i make commitments in my brain. it's confusing. he won't come hang out with me. i feel like i'm a convenience, not something he really wants. it was the same with joe, though he was willing to come see me. but that was because i had my own place, he lived at home. i'm always going to jersey. he's coming out to the island for sean's wedding, but has no time to hang out with me. if the shoe was on the other foot, i'd see what he was doing saturday so we could hang out before i went home. but not him. i'm sure he'll rush back to dirty jerz when he wakes up at the hotel on saturday. not stick around to cuddle. there was talk about graduating from making out to that next step. part of me is like "hell yes" because i haven't gotten any in 6.5 months. the other half worries that i'll become more emotionally involved in an imaginary situation. i'm sure my decision will be made on the spur of the moment. it will be lust driven. and then i will separate myself.
i'm lame. i'm stupid.
i have to get up in 7 hours. i don't want to sleep. i'm somewhat depressed lately, as should be evidenced by the solitude i've subjected myself to for the past 5 days. but ... i don't want to have a solitary summer. i'm bored with doing nothing. and it wouldn't get any better even if i met someone. i'm emailing with some dude, but he lives in white plains. that's not a wise decision...
i think i'll watch another episode of law & order before bed.
i need to not be alone. i'm not good at this anymore.
why do these words still form in my brain? i am 27 years old. im supposed to have rid myself of the angst i carried like a symbol of my youth.
gklngsghiodgsjnjwa,l;,;gdjfasguafnklsgdsdka
goodnight.
so here i am. thursday night. i have effectively killed the last several days. it's thursday. sunday i hung out with mom and jay. monday i ran errands and read a whole book. tuesday i watched tv all day. wednesday same, but katie came over at 1030pm and we talked for like 7 hours. today mike came over, we watched heathers but it was comparable to hanging out with myself. he was half asleep the whole time. tomorrow i have my meeting at the new school, and antonia is sleeping over. saturday nothing, but it's supposed to be beautiful out. sunday dinner with val. one of the weekend days i want to go see my dad. next week is daunting, though. i have nothing on my calendar until friday night, when i will go to my mom's for a barbeque. sunday i will go to jersey. i am having serious misgivings about the trip to atlantic city. there is a large part of me that feels like the insanity with tom has to stop. i am not a placeholder. i don't want to be a placeholder. and for the time that i am hooking up with him, i will hold off on dating because i make commitments in my brain. it's confusing. he won't come hang out with me. i feel like i'm a convenience, not something he really wants. it was the same with joe, though he was willing to come see me. but that was because i had my own place, he lived at home. i'm always going to jersey. he's coming out to the island for sean's wedding, but has no time to hang out with me. if the shoe was on the other foot, i'd see what he was doing saturday so we could hang out before i went home. but not him. i'm sure he'll rush back to dirty jerz when he wakes up at the hotel on saturday. not stick around to cuddle. there was talk about graduating from making out to that next step. part of me is like "hell yes" because i haven't gotten any in 6.5 months. the other half worries that i'll become more emotionally involved in an imaginary situation. i'm sure my decision will be made on the spur of the moment. it will be lust driven. and then i will separate myself.
i'm lame. i'm stupid.
i have to get up in 7 hours. i don't want to sleep. i'm somewhat depressed lately, as should be evidenced by the solitude i've subjected myself to for the past 5 days. but ... i don't want to have a solitary summer. i'm bored with doing nothing. and it wouldn't get any better even if i met someone. i'm emailing with some dude, but he lives in white plains. that's not a wise decision...
i think i'll watch another episode of law & order before bed.
i need to not be alone. i'm not good at this anymore.
why do these words still form in my brain? i am 27 years old. im supposed to have rid myself of the angst i carried like a symbol of my youth.
gklngsghiodgsjnjwa,l;,;gdjfasguafnklsgdsdka
goodnight.
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