Tuesday, November 25, 2008
all i really have to say is blah. everything is pretty ok. except work, which i really don't like anymore. but i'm not going to talk about that. sorta seeing steve again since the last time i posted. we ended up hooking up and then we talked about it and he said he wants to see me more often and take things one day at a time. so i'm always confused because it's been a month now, more if you count from when he brought me soup because i think that was the first step toward this, but anyway. i never want to bring it up so i never do. mostly because i don't know when is proper to talk about things again. whatever. i might try this weekend. i might not. this weekend i'm going to probably go to nj, he got this movie he wants me to see from netflix and we might fix a psuedo thanksgiving. we'll see how i feel.
the purpose of this post, however, is thanksgiving. and how much i HATE holidays. like, HATE them. i think they're the devil. i also think that if i were to read back every november and december since i started this blog five years ago, i would find that i say this every year. but now i mean it. before i hated them because they were so stressful, trying to see my divorced parents, fitting it in with mike's family, whatever, but now that this will be my third round of single holidays, it's official if you are last to get married, it's fucking awkward. especially if you don't even have a boyfriend. i am the OLDEST. i am the ONLY single person. oh, except for the two infants, they're single also. only they are the two singles who get all the attention. no one pays any attention to me. i invited steve to come, but he declined. i didn't want him to be alone, and i didn't want to feel alone. but no. gotta do this one on my own, entertain myself. i'll bring a book. my skeevy uncle larry is going to be there. ew.
so i don't know. i had a lot to say about the holidays, and how much i hate them, and then i lost the drive to continue this post. so i'm gonna watch jeopardy and go to bed.
the purpose of this post, however, is thanksgiving. and how much i HATE holidays. like, HATE them. i think they're the devil. i also think that if i were to read back every november and december since i started this blog five years ago, i would find that i say this every year. but now i mean it. before i hated them because they were so stressful, trying to see my divorced parents, fitting it in with mike's family, whatever, but now that this will be my third round of single holidays, it's official if you are last to get married, it's fucking awkward. especially if you don't even have a boyfriend. i am the OLDEST. i am the ONLY single person. oh, except for the two infants, they're single also. only they are the two singles who get all the attention. no one pays any attention to me. i invited steve to come, but he declined. i didn't want him to be alone, and i didn't want to feel alone. but no. gotta do this one on my own, entertain myself. i'll bring a book. my skeevy uncle larry is going to be there. ew.
so i don't know. i had a lot to say about the holidays, and how much i hate them, and then i lost the drive to continue this post. so i'm gonna watch jeopardy and go to bed.
Saturday, November 01, 2008
i am so nervous right now, i'm bursting with butterflies. i feel like my stomach is liquid. this is usual for days i will see steve. this is how i know that i have real feelings for him. it's so intense, and i'm so excited. i'll be cooking some mashed potatoes and asparagus (yuck!) with a ribeye steak for him and veggie chik'n nuggets for me. i got a recipe for a marinade online and another for sauteed asparagus.
my mom is on her way over and i think she'll want to get lunch. i don't know if this is at all feasible for me. i don't think i can even imagine eating food, let alone actually eating it. i wanted to go to manhasset and pick up some mini black forest cakes, but i don't know if that will be happening.
tonight i'll be wearing the smallest skirt i own, and he'll be wearing some spandex pants. i'm stepping out of my comfort zone to help him step out if his. he wrote "well, i feel safe with you. especially with that stuff. even that is a new feeling for me though, and it's something think i'd like to explore, you know?" and i do know. i know also that there is probably a good chance that this is another exercise in helping someone grow so they can move on and i can remain alone and lonely. i'll do all the legwork so some other girl can step in and he can fall in love with her, and they can have a happily ever after...
but whatever, i mean.. maybe it will be me. maybe he'll see how much i love him, and it'll make him realize he can feel those sorts of things, and he'll feel them for me. i drove to nj on a work night tuesday just to cheer him up. the depth of my emotion is immeasurable. maybe tonight he'll see....
my mom is on her way over and i think she'll want to get lunch. i don't know if this is at all feasible for me. i don't think i can even imagine eating food, let alone actually eating it. i wanted to go to manhasset and pick up some mini black forest cakes, but i don't know if that will be happening.
tonight i'll be wearing the smallest skirt i own, and he'll be wearing some spandex pants. i'm stepping out of my comfort zone to help him step out if his. he wrote "well, i feel safe with you. especially with that stuff. even that is a new feeling for me though, and it's something think i'd like to explore, you know?" and i do know. i know also that there is probably a good chance that this is another exercise in helping someone grow so they can move on and i can remain alone and lonely. i'll do all the legwork so some other girl can step in and he can fall in love with her, and they can have a happily ever after...
but whatever, i mean.. maybe it will be me. maybe he'll see how much i love him, and it'll make him realize he can feel those sorts of things, and he'll feel them for me. i drove to nj on a work night tuesday just to cheer him up. the depth of my emotion is immeasurable. maybe tonight he'll see....
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