Monday, October 29, 2007
here's to us fools that have no meaning, i tip my glass to you, let's toast the night away to friends and forget about tomorrow
new found glory
new found glory
new found glory last night was amazing. like AMAZING. they opened with "hit or miss".. love that song!!! it was my first nfg song so it was really awesome that they opened with it.. they played, in NOT this order, : understatement, all downhill from here, iris, kiss me, something i call personality, better off dead, failure's not flattering, head on collision, intro, ballad for the lost romantics (<3333), stay (and lisa loeb was there to do her part of the song!!!), coming home, hold my hand, it ain't me babe, and they ended it with my friends over you. soooo gooood!!! there might be one or two more songs from the self-titled record, but i can't remember.. it was easily one of my top 5 shows of all time. oh, and jordan is hotttt. HOTTTT. i'd love to love that man. but no, i'm a regular person, and he's a rockstar. sigh.
so here i am on a monday night feeling miserable despite the excitement of having seen an amazing show last night. i'm enveloped by sadness, no thanks to tom. i don't know why he's still the first thing i think of when i wake up in the morning. he still occupies my mind most of the hours of the day. and he still doesn't want me. so i guess it's time to forget him. friday night i will see avail with him and ryan. on december 15 we will go see weston. and then i will be gone. i know i say this all the time.. but it's happening now. i can't do this anymore. i have to be strong.
what i really need is a therapist. because i can't handle the feelings of worthlessness that are springing up again. i thought i was done with these feelings, i thought i would never return to the hole of no self-esteem, where all things are dark and i have no hope. where i feel like i have nothing to offer the world, and especially not a dude. where i feel like i'll die alone and maybe that's what's right for me since i'm so worthless, so useless, so unworthy of the love of another human being.....
at least i have the most perfect animal on the face of the planet. i'm cold. i'm freezing. my eyes are burning from the tears i expended today after receiving somewhat hostile text messages from tom. because in a fit of neediness i needed him to remind me that he cares, that there is potential for him to love me someday. i'm so stupid. i can't hold on to a future that will not exist. i just have to forget. forget. forget. forget....
so here i am on a monday night feeling miserable despite the excitement of having seen an amazing show last night. i'm enveloped by sadness, no thanks to tom. i don't know why he's still the first thing i think of when i wake up in the morning. he still occupies my mind most of the hours of the day. and he still doesn't want me. so i guess it's time to forget him. friday night i will see avail with him and ryan. on december 15 we will go see weston. and then i will be gone. i know i say this all the time.. but it's happening now. i can't do this anymore. i have to be strong.
what i really need is a therapist. because i can't handle the feelings of worthlessness that are springing up again. i thought i was done with these feelings, i thought i would never return to the hole of no self-esteem, where all things are dark and i have no hope. where i feel like i have nothing to offer the world, and especially not a dude. where i feel like i'll die alone and maybe that's what's right for me since i'm so worthless, so useless, so unworthy of the love of another human being.....
at least i have the most perfect animal on the face of the planet. i'm cold. i'm freezing. my eyes are burning from the tears i expended today after receiving somewhat hostile text messages from tom. because in a fit of neediness i needed him to remind me that he cares, that there is potential for him to love me someday. i'm so stupid. i can't hold on to a future that will not exist. i just have to forget. forget. forget. forget....
Thursday, October 25, 2007
i'm still in love with you. even though we rarely talk anymore and i feel us drifting further and further apart...
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
i'm about at my wits end at work with my kids. they are obnoxious.
got tickets to see weston again dec 15 with tom. apparently i need to torture myself by seeing him. keep myself in his life. he never responded to any of my texts after 5 when i got the tickets.. but whatever. i'll never move on so i may as well remain tortured.
i was going through my paper journals before looking for my old therapists phone number for heather and i realized i wrote so much of the same shit about joe. not the love stuff, but the same feelings of knowing that a future was a joke but being unwilling to give up hope. i hate hope.
i'm very itchy right now and i don't know why. i feel like i might have some hives. little tiny ones. i need to do laundry. i need quarters for that.
new found glory on sunday!!!!! 5 days woooot. and ryan sent me the newly released brand new song (fork & knife) or (knife & fork).. previously known as untitled 7, rerecorded. soooo goood. i have to put it on my ipod but right now that is out of the question as i really do have high hopes for early bed.
kasha has been sleeping all night. i guess she's preparing for a night of stalking the real/imagined mouse lurking in my kitchen. mike came over and investigated last night and there was nothing there, but whatever. maybe it hid? i think if there was truly a mouse she would be lurking, not crashed on the couch for the past several hours.
tomorrow is wednesday. i have to finish my rubric for the new teacher meeting monday. it's due thursday. i also have to grade some stuff. boo. prep period is gonna suck tomorrow. i left wayyy too much work to be done.
ok. since i've successfully avoided whining about how much i love tom and how sad i have been without him for the past several minutes i'm going to beddd.
goodnight....
oh, but:
got tickets to see weston again dec 15 with tom. apparently i need to torture myself by seeing him. keep myself in his life. he never responded to any of my texts after 5 when i got the tickets.. but whatever. i'll never move on so i may as well remain tortured.
i was going through my paper journals before looking for my old therapists phone number for heather and i realized i wrote so much of the same shit about joe. not the love stuff, but the same feelings of knowing that a future was a joke but being unwilling to give up hope. i hate hope.
i'm very itchy right now and i don't know why. i feel like i might have some hives. little tiny ones. i need to do laundry. i need quarters for that.
new found glory on sunday!!!!! 5 days woooot. and ryan sent me the newly released brand new song (fork & knife) or (knife & fork).. previously known as untitled 7, rerecorded. soooo goood. i have to put it on my ipod but right now that is out of the question as i really do have high hopes for early bed.
kasha has been sleeping all night. i guess she's preparing for a night of stalking the real/imagined mouse lurking in my kitchen. mike came over and investigated last night and there was nothing there, but whatever. maybe it hid? i think if there was truly a mouse she would be lurking, not crashed on the couch for the past several hours.
tomorrow is wednesday. i have to finish my rubric for the new teacher meeting monday. it's due thursday. i also have to grade some stuff. boo. prep period is gonna suck tomorrow. i left wayyy too much work to be done.
ok. since i've successfully avoided whining about how much i love tom and how sad i have been without him for the past several minutes i'm going to beddd.
goodnight....
oh, but:
love is just a lie, made to make you blue
nazareth
nazareth
Monday, October 22, 2007
and i think i'd like to tell you just how much i loved you, that's if you'll even speak to me at all.. and to think i learned of all yr reasons, yr selfish reasons...
inside
i have not much to say and only a brief moment to say it in, as i had intended to go to bed at least an hour ago and my head is melting..
i have this imagination, a fantasy if you will, where you fold me into yr arms and i tell you how much i'd missed you, talking into yr chest and breathing you in. and in this imagination, i can tell you how i feel, how i love you more than i think i can ever love another human being, how i always knew we'd end up together..
but the truth is i don't know that. and i, in fact, doubt it. i simply do not get what i want. i did not get keith or brian in high school, i did not get jeff or steve in college, i did not get stephan or joe in graduate school.. and i'm certainly not going to get you now. my heart is defective and it doesn't get the message that it's too good to be true.
and for that i hate you. and i hate my heart. i just want to have that feeling back, i want us back. the amazement, the adoration.. the feeling that nothing could go wrong as long as you were there with me. stumbling around the tropicana with yr arm around my waist, wandering around the bizarre castle in the middle of nowhere new jersey, holding hands as we hiked through the park in montauk.. even moving ineptly to weston side by side.. i just want that feeling to be permanent, an every day part of my life.
but it doesn't work that way.
not for me.
inside
i have not much to say and only a brief moment to say it in, as i had intended to go to bed at least an hour ago and my head is melting..
i have this imagination, a fantasy if you will, where you fold me into yr arms and i tell you how much i'd missed you, talking into yr chest and breathing you in. and in this imagination, i can tell you how i feel, how i love you more than i think i can ever love another human being, how i always knew we'd end up together..
but the truth is i don't know that. and i, in fact, doubt it. i simply do not get what i want. i did not get keith or brian in high school, i did not get jeff or steve in college, i did not get stephan or joe in graduate school.. and i'm certainly not going to get you now. my heart is defective and it doesn't get the message that it's too good to be true.
and for that i hate you. and i hate my heart. i just want to have that feeling back, i want us back. the amazement, the adoration.. the feeling that nothing could go wrong as long as you were there with me. stumbling around the tropicana with yr arm around my waist, wandering around the bizarre castle in the middle of nowhere new jersey, holding hands as we hiked through the park in montauk.. even moving ineptly to weston side by side.. i just want that feeling to be permanent, an every day part of my life.
but it doesn't work that way.
not for me.
blah.
i did nothing all weekend except vegetate in my apartment. well i went to the mall today. and i bought a cute dress shirt from anthropologie.. i also got a tank top there, but i already had it. i just love it so much i wanted another one and it was marked down to $19.95! i also went to macy's and got a pair of sevens and a pair of seven cords. i'm like a sevens freak, i now have like.. 7 pairs! 7 pairs of sevens!
it's 12:56. i should be wayyy asleep. ugh. i'm just going to go lay in bed for like an hour. maybe two. it's going to be a rough day tomorrow.
as if this needs to be said: i'm still not over tom. thought about him a decent amount today. thought about texting him to see if he got the players he wanted in his fantasy basketball draft yesterday.. but i didn't. tomorrow i will resume random weston lyrics texts. i'll see him in like.. 12 days. not for hang out, though, for avail. a band i don't even ever listen to. i'm a fucking idiot.
new found glory in 7 days!!!!
well, at least i got some weak cuddles friday night. they weren't really cuddles... i mean occasionally our arms were on each other, but that was it. man i wish something had happened. i'm not loving this whole celibacy thing. it's the worst.
goodnight.
i did nothing all weekend except vegetate in my apartment. well i went to the mall today. and i bought a cute dress shirt from anthropologie.. i also got a tank top there, but i already had it. i just love it so much i wanted another one and it was marked down to $19.95! i also went to macy's and got a pair of sevens and a pair of seven cords. i'm like a sevens freak, i now have like.. 7 pairs! 7 pairs of sevens!
it's 12:56. i should be wayyy asleep. ugh. i'm just going to go lay in bed for like an hour. maybe two. it's going to be a rough day tomorrow.
as if this needs to be said: i'm still not over tom. thought about him a decent amount today. thought about texting him to see if he got the players he wanted in his fantasy basketball draft yesterday.. but i didn't. tomorrow i will resume random weston lyrics texts. i'll see him in like.. 12 days. not for hang out, though, for avail. a band i don't even ever listen to. i'm a fucking idiot.
new found glory in 7 days!!!!
well, at least i got some weak cuddles friday night. they weren't really cuddles... i mean occasionally our arms were on each other, but that was it. man i wish something had happened. i'm not loving this whole celibacy thing. it's the worst.
goodnight.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
blah.
so joe came over last night. i was psyched, i thought my 10 month drought would be over. but no. we slept. that's basically it. i made him ramen, we talked for like an hour, then he fell asleep. and i fell asleep. there was some movement toward the goodness, but never happened. i guess i've lost my touch. i can't believe he didn't try anything. now i'm sure i'm a) never going to have sex again and b) going to die alone. his phone rang a few times, i wonder how he deceived his girlfriend to be here so long.
my back hurts. also my head hurts.
i didn't take my bath today. actually, i slept till like 5pm. the nap lasted from like 5-9, then i was up till 1030, then back to sleep from like 11-5. i'm pretty tired and ready for sleep at this point.
jan never IMed me back tonight. i don't like it!
i'm bored. i miss tom a lot. like A LOT. i'm so in love with him, and there's nothing i can do. i wasn't used to spending so much time alone anymore since i've been busy for the past few weekends.. but this weekend, here i am.. being a shut-in.. lonely. he's all i want.
ugh.
so joe came over last night. i was psyched, i thought my 10 month drought would be over. but no. we slept. that's basically it. i made him ramen, we talked for like an hour, then he fell asleep. and i fell asleep. there was some movement toward the goodness, but never happened. i guess i've lost my touch. i can't believe he didn't try anything. now i'm sure i'm a) never going to have sex again and b) going to die alone. his phone rang a few times, i wonder how he deceived his girlfriend to be here so long.
my back hurts. also my head hurts.
i didn't take my bath today. actually, i slept till like 5pm. the nap lasted from like 5-9, then i was up till 1030, then back to sleep from like 11-5. i'm pretty tired and ready for sleep at this point.
jan never IMed me back tonight. i don't like it!
i'm bored. i miss tom a lot. like A LOT. i'm so in love with him, and there's nothing i can do. i wasn't used to spending so much time alone anymore since i've been busy for the past few weekends.. but this weekend, here i am.. being a shut-in.. lonely. he's all i want.
ugh.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
pull the trigger and the nightmare stops
coheed & cambria
coheed & cambria
as of this moment i have no lyrics to post. if i think of something along the way, there will be lyrics above!
i'm a disaster today. i was very sad all day. i have no idea what to do about the tom thing. my friends seem to agree that i need to stop being friends with him.. i need to distance myself so i can move on. they are probably right, but i'm as yet unwilling to give up the hope that we could be together in the future. because i'm obviously an idiot.
it's late. this is horrendous. tomorrow all i'm going to do is sleep. i came home and took an hour and a half or two hour nap. i woke up and was tearful. heather called and asked if i was feeling better (i was sad at work) and i was ok. then i talked to my mom and she sounded irritable. then i talked to my dad and he was busy. so i just laid there, sad, tearful. i don't know. i can't talk about things with him to anyone. i think jan is tired of listening to me. my mom just tells me to move on, that i'm past the "pining stage" of my life. antonia says he's stupid and not that cute. blah blah blah. everyone gives me tough love. so i keep it to myself and have a very hard time. so i break down. like tonight. i don't want to deal with this anymoreeeeee.
i got to round 19 of mahjong today.
kasha is now two years old. it was torrential downpours today so i didn't go get her a present. maybe tomorrow i'll go to petco and see if they have the pink name tags. buy her a nice new one. maybe a new collar, or a toy. she doesn't seem to understand the concept of her birthday, though she did give me extra bath time today and more than usual snuggle down.
speaking of bath... maybe tomorrow i'll take a nice bath. that's what i'll do to feel a little better. make a nice cup of tea and climb into the tub with my salt things from lush. i'm somewhat into the book i'm reading (crash by j.g. ballard), so i can read in the tub whilst sipping some tea.
temporary solution to a permanent problem. i'm sure i'll emerge from the bath still in love with an intangible boy. i will see him soon. on nov 2. seeing avail.. ryan is coming, though, so i don't know what that will be like. after that i have to pull back from the showgoing with tom. i have to forget that i have serious feelings for him and try to meet dudes. i really am tired of being alone. i at least need a distraction. so far i haven't been able to fall for anyone in a long time. that's part of why i so treasure tom.. he's the first guy i've had real feelings for in years. i just don't click with many people. i'm a difficult person or something.
blah blah blah. all i do is babble.
i think i'm addicted to heartbreak. no, i know i've said this before. or maybe i've said i'm a sucker for it. but i think i'm addicted. like i can't function without something to make me miserable. that's not true though. i don't know, maybe it is.
i'm not making sense now.
goodnight.
Friday, October 19, 2007
happy birthday kasha!!!
(she's 2!!!)
(she's 2!!!)
she asked me what love meant and i couldn't explain
we were at the candy store so i bought her a candy cane
she said "is that what love means to you, something that'll melt away? something that's gone just as fast as it comes, another nice word to say?"
weston
we were at the candy store so i bought her a candy cane
she said "is that what love means to you, something that'll melt away? something that's gone just as fast as it comes, another nice word to say?"
weston
grumble. i mean, seriously. grumble.
went to see weston, my favorite band from when i was 16-19, on tuesday night. met tom in the city at 10 to watch them play acoustically. it was a great show. like 20 people there, very intimate, very fun and funny. great songs. a bizarre version of "fafi". they did not play "redhead girl" (above) or "running stupid". boo.
for some reason my blogger is being difficult. i do not like.
so anyway. i am still totally and hopelessly in love with tom. hopelessly. HOPELESSLY. i find myself wishing we had a lousy time on tuesday night, that way i could go back to hating him. like after pinback. i hated him then, and i was happy to be not with him. but something melted away and seeing him made me heart flutter. the electric current when my arm brushed his as we moved to the music as we did when we were teenagers. together then, together now.
this is the deal: every day i spend without you is a waste of a day. it's a day i could have spent being in love with you, rather than pining over you. and, you see, these are days we can never retrieve. they are days we can't get back. they are gone when they are gone. i can't believe that my conviction is still so strong about you and about us. i wish that the fact that i want to spend every day of the rest of my life with you was enough to make you see that being single is not what you need. i wish you could let go of the fear that holds you back from falling in love with me. i wish you would realize that what i feel for you is not just something fleeting, it's the real thing and we should just be together. and i'm so not confident that time will make you see that. i constantly worry that it's only me that feels this, and that my brain is dysfunctional. you'll never see that this is the perfect way our lives should go. and i'll end up settling... down the road from real love.
so what do i do? i can't tell you any of this anymore. you think i'm over it. in fact, you think i went on a date last weekend. i want to scream in yr ear, "can't you see this is the best thing that could ever happen to either of us?" but what for? so you could say the mean things you've convinced yrself of so you could stop having those feelings for me? it would be waste of breath. similar to the days i'm wasting without you.
i need to just keep on pushing forward with my life. i don't wanna forget you, but i'm gonna let you go on with yr life while i trudge through mine.. what else can i do? i have to just trudge on, alone. forever. you will never come around. this is my station in love. to love without being loved. i have to learn to live with it. why can't i feel anything for anyone other than you? a line that was constantly dedicated to joe for so long, but i DID feel things for others then. i had some weird feelings for derek. now it's just an emptiness where love should be.
what i really need is to stop stalling and to fucking get a therapist. have some lady to talk to about all this. figure out why i'm an emotional train wreck. why i can't fall in love with men who are capable of loving me. maybe i'll call tomorrow. probably not, though...
ok well. i need my bed. i need to formally kill another day i'm wasting, trudging through this life without the one thing i want the most:
went to see weston, my favorite band from when i was 16-19, on tuesday night. met tom in the city at 10 to watch them play acoustically. it was a great show. like 20 people there, very intimate, very fun and funny. great songs. a bizarre version of "fafi". they did not play "redhead girl" (above) or "running stupid". boo.
for some reason my blogger is being difficult. i do not like.
so anyway. i am still totally and hopelessly in love with tom. hopelessly. HOPELESSLY. i find myself wishing we had a lousy time on tuesday night, that way i could go back to hating him. like after pinback. i hated him then, and i was happy to be not with him. but something melted away and seeing him made me heart flutter. the electric current when my arm brushed his as we moved to the music as we did when we were teenagers. together then, together now.
this is the deal: every day i spend without you is a waste of a day. it's a day i could have spent being in love with you, rather than pining over you. and, you see, these are days we can never retrieve. they are days we can't get back. they are gone when they are gone. i can't believe that my conviction is still so strong about you and about us. i wish that the fact that i want to spend every day of the rest of my life with you was enough to make you see that being single is not what you need. i wish you could let go of the fear that holds you back from falling in love with me. i wish you would realize that what i feel for you is not just something fleeting, it's the real thing and we should just be together. and i'm so not confident that time will make you see that. i constantly worry that it's only me that feels this, and that my brain is dysfunctional. you'll never see that this is the perfect way our lives should go. and i'll end up settling... down the road from real love.
so what do i do? i can't tell you any of this anymore. you think i'm over it. in fact, you think i went on a date last weekend. i want to scream in yr ear, "can't you see this is the best thing that could ever happen to either of us?" but what for? so you could say the mean things you've convinced yrself of so you could stop having those feelings for me? it would be waste of breath. similar to the days i'm wasting without you.
i need to just keep on pushing forward with my life. i don't wanna forget you, but i'm gonna let you go on with yr life while i trudge through mine.. what else can i do? i have to just trudge on, alone. forever. you will never come around. this is my station in love. to love without being loved. i have to learn to live with it. why can't i feel anything for anyone other than you? a line that was constantly dedicated to joe for so long, but i DID feel things for others then. i had some weird feelings for derek. now it's just an emptiness where love should be.
what i really need is to stop stalling and to fucking get a therapist. have some lady to talk to about all this. figure out why i'm an emotional train wreck. why i can't fall in love with men who are capable of loving me. maybe i'll call tomorrow. probably not, though...
ok well. i need my bed. i need to formally kill another day i'm wasting, trudging through this life without the one thing i want the most:
YOU
Sunday, October 14, 2007
it's nothing but time and a face that you lose, i chose to feel it and you couldn't choose. i'll write you a postcard, i'll send you the news from a house down the road from real love...
live through this, and you won't look back...
live through this, and you won't look back...
live through this, and you won't look back...
there's one thing i want to say, so i'll be brave.. you were what i wanted, i gave what i gave.. i'm not sorry i met you, i'm not sorry it's over, i'm not sorry there's nothing to save.
i'm not sorry there's nothing to save..
stars
live through this, and you won't look back...
live through this, and you won't look back...
live through this, and you won't look back...
there's one thing i want to say, so i'll be brave.. you were what i wanted, i gave what i gave.. i'm not sorry i met you, i'm not sorry it's over, i'm not sorry there's nothing to save.
i'm not sorry there's nothing to save..
stars
so it's stars lyrics all the time now.
bad day. very bad day.
i so thought i was done with this whole tom debacle. i thought i was through feeling and that i was going to finally be ok. but i argued with my dad on my drive home from my visit with my uncle today and it made me upset because.... well i should start at the beginning, i guess...
this year for christmas my sister-in-law and step-sister have decided we will do a name assignment for gift giving. i am opposed to this because the joy of christmas for me is shopping for others, finding gifts, and giving them to people. so i told my dad to tell whoever is in charge of the name assignments to not include me. i have no desire to participate. i'm on the verge of not even leaving my apartment on christmas day, and it's only october. so my dad said i was being stubborn, and i said "yes. i am. but you know what, all i have is my family.. i don't have anyone else." and then i had to go because i was driving and crying and talking on the phone. and i guess i got lonely.
so two minutes later, "suspension" by mae comes on the ipod. lately i'm alright, and lately I'm not scared, i've figured out that what you do to me feels like i'm floating on air i don't need to know right now, all i know is i believe in the very thing that got us here and now i can't leave.. say anything, but say what you mean
cos i'm caught in suspension.. now, i'm wanting this for sure and i'll beg for nothing more, i'll plan all day and drive all night, you'll love what's in store.. i can't seem to stop this now even if it's not so clear and i'll take what i can get if you want me here.. and it's like.. i would have taken what i could get. i was taking what i could get. i was content to just be what we were without having any clear definition, and now it's gone. it's gone gone gone gone gone gone. and i'm miserable. and we can't go back. it's not the same. that was apparent in my visit last weekend. i'm miserable, he's ok. it's not amazing anymore. our friendship is solid, but my heart is broken and i don't know how to function in our relationship without loving him. and there i am, driving north on 107 behind the N20 bus, and i'm crying. and i can't stop. and these images are flashing in my brain, my hand on his thigh, his head on my shoulder, our hands intertwined... and i can't get them to stop, they're coming so fast and it's so clear that i'm really over nothing. nothing at all. the reason i had such a bad time with him last weekend was because i can't do the friend thing. i can't be this girl he has around who he was falling in love with. i can't. there's nothing to save.
but here i am. home. in front of my computer. my eyes are burning and occasionally welling up over and over to emit more tears. and i thought i was through crying. but i'm not, and i can't handle that. i can't handle that two months have elapsed since we ended things and i'm still not ok. and i can't handle the oscillation back and forth, the i'm ok, i'm not ok. i don't want to be alone when i so clearly have feelings for someone so out of my grasp. i don't want to be alone when i so clearly am in love with someone who can't be here for me. i don't want to be alone when i made a cd for someone who made me feel so many things i couldn't say myself, and not even the proof of how strongly i felt mattered.
nothing matters.
there's nothing to save. should i go on like this? pretending it's fine? i let him believe i was going on a date friday night. i never lied, but i let him believe what he wanted to believe. but it didn't phase him. he told me to have fun. so i'm in love with someone who can so obviously let me go, yet i'm STILL in love. and i have no one to fall back on. i have no one to drown in while i forget the feelings i felt before. i have no way to put this behind me while my emotions are so strong that i'm still crying two months later.
i'll send you the news from a house down the road from real love. that's the summation of it, basically. i need to move on, but it won't be the same. i'll send you the news.... i'll .. i don't know. i'll continue drowning in the mire of my life, with no direction and no ability to stop feeling things that envelop me.
i'm not sorry, there's nothing to save.......
bad day. very bad day.
i so thought i was done with this whole tom debacle. i thought i was through feeling and that i was going to finally be ok. but i argued with my dad on my drive home from my visit with my uncle today and it made me upset because.... well i should start at the beginning, i guess...
this year for christmas my sister-in-law and step-sister have decided we will do a name assignment for gift giving. i am opposed to this because the joy of christmas for me is shopping for others, finding gifts, and giving them to people. so i told my dad to tell whoever is in charge of the name assignments to not include me. i have no desire to participate. i'm on the verge of not even leaving my apartment on christmas day, and it's only october. so my dad said i was being stubborn, and i said "yes. i am. but you know what, all i have is my family.. i don't have anyone else." and then i had to go because i was driving and crying and talking on the phone. and i guess i got lonely.
so two minutes later, "suspension" by mae comes on the ipod. lately i'm alright, and lately I'm not scared, i've figured out that what you do to me feels like i'm floating on air i don't need to know right now, all i know is i believe in the very thing that got us here and now i can't leave.. say anything, but say what you mean
cos i'm caught in suspension.. now, i'm wanting this for sure and i'll beg for nothing more, i'll plan all day and drive all night, you'll love what's in store.. i can't seem to stop this now even if it's not so clear and i'll take what i can get if you want me here.. and it's like.. i would have taken what i could get. i was taking what i could get. i was content to just be what we were without having any clear definition, and now it's gone. it's gone gone gone gone gone gone. and i'm miserable. and we can't go back. it's not the same. that was apparent in my visit last weekend. i'm miserable, he's ok. it's not amazing anymore. our friendship is solid, but my heart is broken and i don't know how to function in our relationship without loving him. and there i am, driving north on 107 behind the N20 bus, and i'm crying. and i can't stop. and these images are flashing in my brain, my hand on his thigh, his head on my shoulder, our hands intertwined... and i can't get them to stop, they're coming so fast and it's so clear that i'm really over nothing. nothing at all. the reason i had such a bad time with him last weekend was because i can't do the friend thing. i can't be this girl he has around who he was falling in love with. i can't. there's nothing to save.
but here i am. home. in front of my computer. my eyes are burning and occasionally welling up over and over to emit more tears. and i thought i was through crying. but i'm not, and i can't handle that. i can't handle that two months have elapsed since we ended things and i'm still not ok. and i can't handle the oscillation back and forth, the i'm ok, i'm not ok. i don't want to be alone when i so clearly have feelings for someone so out of my grasp. i don't want to be alone when i so clearly am in love with someone who can't be here for me. i don't want to be alone when i made a cd for someone who made me feel so many things i couldn't say myself, and not even the proof of how strongly i felt mattered.
nothing matters.
there's nothing to save. should i go on like this? pretending it's fine? i let him believe i was going on a date friday night. i never lied, but i let him believe what he wanted to believe. but it didn't phase him. he told me to have fun. so i'm in love with someone who can so obviously let me go, yet i'm STILL in love. and i have no one to fall back on. i have no one to drown in while i forget the feelings i felt before. i have no way to put this behind me while my emotions are so strong that i'm still crying two months later.
i'll send you the news from a house down the road from real love. that's the summation of it, basically. i need to move on, but it won't be the same. i'll send you the news.... i'll .. i don't know. i'll continue drowning in the mire of my life, with no direction and no ability to stop feeling things that envelop me.
i'm not sorry, there's nothing to save.......
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
release to the sky, look him straight in the eye
and tell him that now, that you wish he would die
you'll never touch him again so get what you can
leaving him empty just because he's a man
so good when it ends, they'll never be friends
one more night, that's all they can spend
stars
and tell him that now, that you wish he would die
you'll never touch him again so get what you can
leaving him empty just because he's a man
so good when it ends, they'll never be friends
one more night, that's all they can spend
stars
blah.
i'm tired. as if that were new news. "they'll never be friends." that about sums that up. it's been three days without contact and i feel no nagging need to get in touch with him. i have nothing to say. nothing at all.
i try, you know, to think of things to say sometimes, but nothing ever forms in my brain. i've seen him for who he is.. "why would i get you flowers or something like that if i always knew it would eventually end?" or "it's good that we're not together, since we would never work you'd always be mad." or "maybe you'll realize that you don't really have feelings for me." yah. i guess yr right. we can't be good for each other. why would i want to be with someone who was willing to walk away from me? how could i have had such strong feelings for someone who so clearly doesn't care?
so i told you that yr fear is in falling in love. and you said "well if that's the case then i guess i have a lot of growing up to do." yes. yes you do. and when you do grow up, i hope you truly regret what you've done to me, the things you've said to me.. i feel deflated, like there is no steam left in my sails. i'm just here, existing. empty. alone.
one more hour and then i'll sleep.
i'm tired. as if that were new news. "they'll never be friends." that about sums that up. it's been three days without contact and i feel no nagging need to get in touch with him. i have nothing to say. nothing at all.
i try, you know, to think of things to say sometimes, but nothing ever forms in my brain. i've seen him for who he is.. "why would i get you flowers or something like that if i always knew it would eventually end?" or "it's good that we're not together, since we would never work you'd always be mad." or "maybe you'll realize that you don't really have feelings for me." yah. i guess yr right. we can't be good for each other. why would i want to be with someone who was willing to walk away from me? how could i have had such strong feelings for someone who so clearly doesn't care?
so i told you that yr fear is in falling in love. and you said "well if that's the case then i guess i have a lot of growing up to do." yes. yes you do. and when you do grow up, i hope you truly regret what you've done to me, the things you've said to me.. i feel deflated, like there is no steam left in my sails. i'm just here, existing. empty. alone.
one more hour and then i'll sleep.
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
what a mistake it was to see tom. i guess it's good, because without my rose colored glasses, i really think i saw him for who he really is. selfish.. so i don't know. i mean, yah, i miss him. i do, and i miss my old vision of him. but you know, all night he still expected me to let him do whatever without thinking about me or my feelings. he got drunk at the show, ended up kissing me on the beach afterward.. i spent the night. in the morning everything was the same. he claimed i would hate him for what happened. it's not like we slept together. i don't care about what happened.. but i guess i do, deep down, because it proves that he's just a typical dude. opportunistic. so let some other girl have him.. the fact of the matter is that it's going to be difficult for him to find someone as tolerant as i am. and a lot of his traits, like his selfishness, will be more apparent to new girls since they don't already know him. i just need to move on and let him make his mistakes.. and i know it's mean and will probably bring me bad karma, but i hope he regrets this someday. maybe not this year, and maybe not next year, but eventually. i don't want to be alone anymore, so i have to put myself out there.. i guess i sort of am since i am going out with heather and stuff, but i don't know. i guess it would be nice to meet someone.. ugh. it's so stressful. and disappointing. i would rather not go out than have all the disappointment of going to bars and not meeting anyone. online dating is useless, hot guys never message me.. i am not really into any of them. i've been talking to this one dude for a while, but i'm really forcing myself. i am not really into it at all.
it's 10 to 2 on a monday night. i was off work today so i slept till 1pm. like an asshole. i took one nyquil a little while ago and i'm going to lay down and hope to fall asleep at some point. i'm so tired, hopefully i'll be able to sleep. despite all the caffeine i had tonight!!
blah. that's how i feel. i really wanted things to not go this way with tom. i really wanted to just exist there with him and not get all involved in emotionality. but i can't do that. i'm cutting him out. no more texts. what's the point? all that i get out of talking to him is feeling bad and missing the feelings i had. i don't think i really feel them anymore. i haven't had anxiety since i saw him. my feelings died. and that makes me really sad. i really thought he was the one for me, and i guess i was terribly wrong. terribly... i'm so frustrated with my heart being so off all the time. why can't i fall for NOT emotionally unavailable dudes? the ones who are looking for a future do nothing for me. i have an inability to just find someone who wants to settle down with me and who i want to settle down with. but i want to settle down. i want a home with a man, and i want all the good stuff that comes along with being in love and married and thinking about the family that will inevitably follow. i'm 27.5 years old. i won't have children before the time i'm 30. this is heartbreaking. i can't believe i have made so many mistakes with dudes to render myself still single without any prospects at 27 years old. i'm beginning to lose hope. and that is horrendous..
fuck it all. there is no such thing as love, and there is no point in trying to find something that doesn't exist. i don't need to waste my life with a man. i can just work and love my cat, and if i want a child, i can get some sperm or something. like a spinster. maybe i'll become a shut-in, and stop leaving my apartment for anything other than work and basic needs..
yah. fuck it all.
it's 10 to 2 on a monday night. i was off work today so i slept till 1pm. like an asshole. i took one nyquil a little while ago and i'm going to lay down and hope to fall asleep at some point. i'm so tired, hopefully i'll be able to sleep. despite all the caffeine i had tonight!!
blah. that's how i feel. i really wanted things to not go this way with tom. i really wanted to just exist there with him and not get all involved in emotionality. but i can't do that. i'm cutting him out. no more texts. what's the point? all that i get out of talking to him is feeling bad and missing the feelings i had. i don't think i really feel them anymore. i haven't had anxiety since i saw him. my feelings died. and that makes me really sad. i really thought he was the one for me, and i guess i was terribly wrong. terribly... i'm so frustrated with my heart being so off all the time. why can't i fall for NOT emotionally unavailable dudes? the ones who are looking for a future do nothing for me. i have an inability to just find someone who wants to settle down with me and who i want to settle down with. but i want to settle down. i want a home with a man, and i want all the good stuff that comes along with being in love and married and thinking about the family that will inevitably follow. i'm 27.5 years old. i won't have children before the time i'm 30. this is heartbreaking. i can't believe i have made so many mistakes with dudes to render myself still single without any prospects at 27 years old. i'm beginning to lose hope. and that is horrendous..
fuck it all. there is no such thing as love, and there is no point in trying to find something that doesn't exist. i don't need to waste my life with a man. i can just work and love my cat, and if i want a child, i can get some sperm or something. like a spinster. maybe i'll become a shut-in, and stop leaving my apartment for anything other than work and basic needs..
yah. fuck it all.
Saturday, October 06, 2007
between 12 and 14 hours to go!!!!
i'm too tired to write anything. spent the night out with heather, got drunk, some weirdo was flirting with her for like, ever. he wouldn't leave us alone. watched the breakup while i sobered up..
now i need my bed so i can pass the time before i have cupcakes to bake (without a beater!) and a shower to take...
i'm so excited. can't wait to seeeee youuuuu!!!!!
i'm too tired to write anything. spent the night out with heather, got drunk, some weirdo was flirting with her for like, ever. he wouldn't leave us alone. watched the breakup while i sobered up..
now i need my bed so i can pass the time before i have cupcakes to bake (without a beater!) and a shower to take...
i'm so excited. can't wait to seeeee youuuuu!!!!!
Thursday, October 04, 2007
oh and... ONE MORE DAY!
today i had minimal anxiety. for the first time in 40 days... so that's sort of exciting. don't think i've ever used this color before and if i have i don't remember it. i'm still confident in my realization that this is your choice and that it must not be meant to be if you don't want it to be. definitely still nervous about saturday, but that's more because i'm afraid i'll go back on all of this and come out of it a misery ball. i still want to sleep there, with you, on saturday. i'm less likely to push if you say no. maybe someday you will realize you made a terrible mistake... but once i'm gone, i am GONE. i don't look back. i haven't looked back on joe and i was enamored by him at one point. i mean, yah, i'd hook up with him, but seriously. i haven't had sex in 10 months and it's been 6 weeks since i've even had any intimacy in my life. it wouldn't mean something to me. just like you won't mean anything to me anymore soon. i know i will suffer a huge setback on saturday, though. i mean, i've already invested a bunch of money in you and yr happiness because i'm a moron. bought you buttons and thread, and cupcake mix and a pan. i'm like $30 in the hole to make you happy. which is bizarre, because, really, you don't deserve this. or me.
so i emailed stephan two days ago. actually, you don't know about him, he was pre-blog. stephan was another man of my dreams. i secretly lusted after him from the day i met him at rutgers until the day i decided that joe was the new man of my dreams. i mean, i still lusted after stephan, but not as hardcore. he had a girlfriend and i had no chance. but anyway, i emailed him and then i forgot about it because i didn't really expect to hear from him, but he responded today! so i said maybe we could grab coffee one day and catch up. maybe i can switch off of tom and back onto stephan! like i need another jersey boy though. jersey boys are basically the plague.
i might go to the city tomorrow night after our work dinner with heather. that would be fun. so i have to remember to bring a change of shirts to work tomorrow so i can wear something sluttier to the city than i would to work. i don't know how late i want to be out, though, since i'll probably be tired and i have to get up early enough to make the cupcakes on saturday. i want to get to nj at like 3, so i have to leave at about 1:30 or 1:45.. i should really get up at like 10:30 since i will need to let them cool before i can ice them... why am i so concerned about these fucking cupcakes? it's not like they're going to change anything. you don't have the same feelings for me as i do for you. i accept this. i will move on. but you'll get some cupcakes first.
it's 11:34 and i should have gone to bed 45 minutes ago. one more cigarette and then i will get ready for bed. that takes like 10 minutes, though. ugh. midnight bed. of course i'll have to babble basically the same thing i've already typed into my paper journal, but that's a must since i started this volume like 3 years ago. i really want to move on to a new composition notebook! maybe a nice pink one. my goal is to have a new volume by the new year. ugh, the new year... just under 3 months remain until i get to celebrate a whole YEAR of being sexually inactive. 2007 will go into my history books as a total waste of a year. i guess not a total waste. costa rica was good, seeing jan in GA twice was good.. making friends with heather is good. so i guess not a total waste. and i suppose there are still almost 3 good months left for me to make up for 9 months of disaster.
ok. sleep.
(i still love you but i'm working hard to convince myself otherwise)
so i emailed stephan two days ago. actually, you don't know about him, he was pre-blog. stephan was another man of my dreams. i secretly lusted after him from the day i met him at rutgers until the day i decided that joe was the new man of my dreams. i mean, i still lusted after stephan, but not as hardcore. he had a girlfriend and i had no chance. but anyway, i emailed him and then i forgot about it because i didn't really expect to hear from him, but he responded today! so i said maybe we could grab coffee one day and catch up. maybe i can switch off of tom and back onto stephan! like i need another jersey boy though. jersey boys are basically the plague.
i might go to the city tomorrow night after our work dinner with heather. that would be fun. so i have to remember to bring a change of shirts to work tomorrow so i can wear something sluttier to the city than i would to work. i don't know how late i want to be out, though, since i'll probably be tired and i have to get up early enough to make the cupcakes on saturday. i want to get to nj at like 3, so i have to leave at about 1:30 or 1:45.. i should really get up at like 10:30 since i will need to let them cool before i can ice them... why am i so concerned about these fucking cupcakes? it's not like they're going to change anything. you don't have the same feelings for me as i do for you. i accept this. i will move on. but you'll get some cupcakes first.
it's 11:34 and i should have gone to bed 45 minutes ago. one more cigarette and then i will get ready for bed. that takes like 10 minutes, though. ugh. midnight bed. of course i'll have to babble basically the same thing i've already typed into my paper journal, but that's a must since i started this volume like 3 years ago. i really want to move on to a new composition notebook! maybe a nice pink one. my goal is to have a new volume by the new year. ugh, the new year... just under 3 months remain until i get to celebrate a whole YEAR of being sexually inactive. 2007 will go into my history books as a total waste of a year. i guess not a total waste. costa rica was good, seeing jan in GA twice was good.. making friends with heather is good. so i guess not a total waste. and i suppose there are still almost 3 good months left for me to make up for 9 months of disaster.
ok. sleep.
(i still love you but i'm working hard to convince myself otherwise)
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
TWO DAYS. and three sleeps. whoa. brief text conversation tonight, about my book. that i'm bringing you saturday... so now, book, cupcakes, AND button. and all you want is nothing from me. i always fall for the emotionally unavailable men. maybe it's a defense mechanism.. i feel like i say the same things over and over and over and over. i just change the name of the boy i'm pining over.
i feel sort of gross right now. i need a shower, but it's really bed time. thus there will be no shower! i have two more days of work and then a three day weekend. one day will be taken up by a super heart stomping. i have to remember to bring up nyc with heather tomorrow. i want to bring a change of clothes if we're going to go out in the city! i'll probably wear jeans to work on friday so just a change of shirts...
twoooo daaaayyyysss!!! wow i miss you, but i hurt less and less. i don't really get the pang of jealousy when i see you on okcupid (which is always). i guess if we were meant to be together, we'll be together. that line is such crap, because if we were meant to be together then we WOULD be together. meant to be is a meaningless phrase. nothing is ever meant to be.. things are what we make of them, and you have chosen NOT to make this happen. and, honestly, i don't know if i want to be the consolation prize after you see what else is out there and then settle on me.
i'm going to bed, but i'll always love you. even if i never want to be with you again.
i feel sort of gross right now. i need a shower, but it's really bed time. thus there will be no shower! i have two more days of work and then a three day weekend. one day will be taken up by a super heart stomping. i have to remember to bring up nyc with heather tomorrow. i want to bring a change of clothes if we're going to go out in the city! i'll probably wear jeans to work on friday so just a change of shirts...
twoooo daaaayyyysss!!! wow i miss you, but i hurt less and less. i don't really get the pang of jealousy when i see you on okcupid (which is always). i guess if we were meant to be together, we'll be together. that line is such crap, because if we were meant to be together then we WOULD be together. meant to be is a meaningless phrase. nothing is ever meant to be.. things are what we make of them, and you have chosen NOT to make this happen. and, honestly, i don't know if i want to be the consolation prize after you see what else is out there and then settle on me.
i'm going to bed, but i'll always love you. even if i never want to be with you again.
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
three days. IMed with you briefly before, you were on yr way out. you've been on okcupid for like 3 hours. but i'm trying not to care. i'm really trying to want you to meet someone else so i can hate you and get over this. anyway you want me to come to jersey at 3 or 4 on saturday, so as we can feast prior to the show. i need to make yr cupcakes. maybe i should make them the night before? why am i making cupcakes anyway? as if you deserved them.. i'm doing stupid things for nothing with the hope that you'll still feel something intense for me on saturday. i want it to all come to the surface via my cupcake baking and button sewing. i close my eyes and i imagine you looking at me, with something special in yr eyes.. but that won't happen.
i'm so tired. i'm watching without a trace. i need to sleep. but i can't stop thinking about you! why am i still awake???? grumble. all i want to do is sleep until 4pm on saturday. i need a haircut and a manicure. i can afford neither.
saturday. saturday. tomorrow is wednesday. three more work days. and they are full days, too. hopefully so full that i won't have to think about the impending sighting... all i know it that i'm going to fall in love all over again in about 85 hours.
i'm so tired. i'm watching without a trace. i need to sleep. but i can't stop thinking about you! why am i still awake???? grumble. all i want to do is sleep until 4pm on saturday. i need a haircut and a manicure. i can afford neither.
saturday. saturday. tomorrow is wednesday. three more work days. and they are full days, too. hopefully so full that i won't have to think about the impending sighting... all i know it that i'm going to fall in love all over again in about 85 hours.
Monday, October 01, 2007
i'm going to bed. 4 days. no contact today, even though i sent you that article on mars. think you hate me. miss you like crazy.. still love you. like a lot. added an event countdown widget to my computer at work (it's a mac!).. called my event crazy heart stomp weekend .. it tells me the days, hours, minutes, and seconds till 4pm on oct 6. just fall in love with me, make it easy for the both of us...
f-o-u-r days.
f-o-u-r days.
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