Monday, October 22, 2007
and i think i'd like to tell you just how much i loved you, that's if you'll even speak to me at all.. and to think i learned of all yr reasons, yr selfish reasons...
inside
i have not much to say and only a brief moment to say it in, as i had intended to go to bed at least an hour ago and my head is melting..
i have this imagination, a fantasy if you will, where you fold me into yr arms and i tell you how much i'd missed you, talking into yr chest and breathing you in. and in this imagination, i can tell you how i feel, how i love you more than i think i can ever love another human being, how i always knew we'd end up together..
but the truth is i don't know that. and i, in fact, doubt it. i simply do not get what i want. i did not get keith or brian in high school, i did not get jeff or steve in college, i did not get stephan or joe in graduate school.. and i'm certainly not going to get you now. my heart is defective and it doesn't get the message that it's too good to be true.
and for that i hate you. and i hate my heart. i just want to have that feeling back, i want us back. the amazement, the adoration.. the feeling that nothing could go wrong as long as you were there with me. stumbling around the tropicana with yr arm around my waist, wandering around the bizarre castle in the middle of nowhere new jersey, holding hands as we hiked through the park in montauk.. even moving ineptly to weston side by side.. i just want that feeling to be permanent, an every day part of my life.
but it doesn't work that way.
not for me.
inside
i have not much to say and only a brief moment to say it in, as i had intended to go to bed at least an hour ago and my head is melting..
i have this imagination, a fantasy if you will, where you fold me into yr arms and i tell you how much i'd missed you, talking into yr chest and breathing you in. and in this imagination, i can tell you how i feel, how i love you more than i think i can ever love another human being, how i always knew we'd end up together..
but the truth is i don't know that. and i, in fact, doubt it. i simply do not get what i want. i did not get keith or brian in high school, i did not get jeff or steve in college, i did not get stephan or joe in graduate school.. and i'm certainly not going to get you now. my heart is defective and it doesn't get the message that it's too good to be true.
and for that i hate you. and i hate my heart. i just want to have that feeling back, i want us back. the amazement, the adoration.. the feeling that nothing could go wrong as long as you were there with me. stumbling around the tropicana with yr arm around my waist, wandering around the bizarre castle in the middle of nowhere new jersey, holding hands as we hiked through the park in montauk.. even moving ineptly to weston side by side.. i just want that feeling to be permanent, an every day part of my life.
but it doesn't work that way.
not for me.
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