Monday, October 29, 2012
two years
it's been two years since i came near this blog. i sometimes think about posting, but i never do. i kinda miss it.
it's weird, this thing was such a huge part of me for years. i'd like to go back, read from the beginning. relive the tragedy of my 20s. and it was tragic.
today i'm not as sad. i'm not as skinny, either. i'm just as i am, as i will be.
it's weird, this thing was such a huge part of me for years. i'd like to go back, read from the beginning. relive the tragedy of my 20s. and it was tragic.
today i'm not as sad. i'm not as skinny, either. i'm just as i am, as i will be.
Friday, June 03, 2011
i have no idea when last i used this medium to write out my thoughts. or when i last wrote out my thoughts at all.. life is different. i have had this blog for 7 or 8 years.. i don't know. i remember when i started out, i had all these ideas about everything, i thought i had deep thoughts, i thought life would be different. i was 22 or 23 years old. i'm now 31. and i'm still lost.
i'm living in new jersey now, with who i always thought was the man of my dreams. the man i cried over for months when he left after 6 weeks in 2008. the transition hasn't been easy. we've been living together for 8 months. we fight more. we don't communicate. he thinks that we don't get along. he said he's considered breaking up. he doesn't have any answers. the end result is that i live in a constant state of fear, and of worry, and of insecurity. this insecurity manifests itself in me constantly fishing for affirmation and love and anything else i can put in my heart and hope it sticks. and then he gets exasperated by this behavior. and i'm sad again. he's never around really, and i spend a lot of time upset and scared.
sometimes i think maybe we'd be better off if we split up. maybe i could find someone who could give me the affection i need to survive. maybe i could find someone who didn't try to control me without knowing that's what they are doing. maybe i could find a man who would love me for me instead of getting annoyed. someone who could communicate with me without getting so angry that i become terrified. sometimes i think that maybe i'm better off without him.
but most of the time i don't know how to function without him. he's supportive of my dreams. we have the same goals. we DO get along most of the time, but his mental illness makes him focus on the bad. it's all black or white. there is no middle. i love him. i'm used to him. i'd have to start over. i'm already 31. my biological clock is ticking so loudly that i swear it's in my head all the time, every hour of every day. he makes me laugh. he loves my feet. i know what to expect. but then it creeps back in that he is a little bit scary and that i feel so alone......
i'm lost in a world that doesn't make sense. it seems to at times and then it crumbles, collapses, ceases to be what i believed it was and what it would be. i get these ideas of what my life should be and then i see what it is and i want to cry. i see pregnant bellies in commercials, i see men and women who appear to be in love. and i long for that. i want it so bad. is it even attainable? is my life ever going to be what i've always imagined it would be? i'm so scared. so afraid that it will never work out, that i will never feel right, that i will never belong as a part of this world. and that makes me even more sad.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
so maybe i haven't been here in like half a year. so what? ugh. i hate it, i hate that several months will be missing on my sidebar. really? yes, that's my problem with not having posted since july. well i haven't written in my regular journal in just as long, either, so here goes.
today i am inspired to babble about how ethereal and surreal my life has become. i've been struggling for what seems like eternity, years and years of despair and ideations of what my life could have been on any other path.. and now, here i am, 30 years old, and everything is happening. i'm madly in love with the man of my dreams, and he is madly in love with me. i'm being recommended for tenure as long as tomorrow's observation goes as planned. i don't hate myself, i don't want to curl up in a ball and die anymore. it's so strange, and it's so amazing.
more and more i catch myself smiling for no reason, imagining the future, dreaming of what is to come in the lovely life i'm leading. sometimes i find myself in a state of disbelief, wondering how i managed this, how i somehow ended up with the man i swore i would marry after the first time we spoke. it's incredible, really. eight years later and we're practically engaged. friday night he asked if i would stay with him through good times and bad. i so badly wanted to ask him if he was practicing his vows.. but i know better, i know i can't disturb the fragile reality i have found myself wandering through. sometimes i can't believe that he's really here with me. we've been together for almost two years and it hasn't really, really sunk in yet.
i'm mesmerized by what is happening. i'm unable to comprehend how eight months ago we were teetering on the edge of breaking up, that we had planned to move in together, things got rough, and we put it off. i didn't want to stay together if we weren't going to be living together. he was cold and distant. then we worked it out, and we haven't had a fight since august. we argue and we work through it, neither of us stays mad. it's a beautiful change, and i am more sure than ever that he is the one for me, and that if we are to marry, we will never divorce.
my life is coming together. it took way longer than i had planned, but i can't imagine it any other way.
and for that, i am more grateful than words could ever describe.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
it's been forever since last i wrote, no particular reason except that i guess i'm lazy and i don't just sit and blabber like i used to. but i guess i have some blabbering to do, so i will.
man, relationships are a lot of work, and they're really hard, especially when they're real and meaningful. steve and i have decided to move in together in november, and things have gotten so much more intense. for a while i wasn't really thrilled with the relationship, because i'm hyper affectionate and he wasn't at all. so push started to come to shove and we finally sat down and talked about things, and he's been a changed man ever since. he's been very affectionate, we decided to move in together for sure, we've been talking about the future and babies, and having a yard to plant a garden in. all that has been wonderful. we went to my dad's wedding this past weekend and it was really nice, we danced together and i felt so good and loved and all that jazz.. but i still have all these issues and fears. moving in with steve requires me to move to nj so he can keep his meeting schedule and stay sober. i can handle that, but i'm so afraid of this. i have to get a new driver's license, re-register my car, commit to potential disaster if there is a snow storm and i have to get to or from work.. all these things are major commitments. there are two bridges involved in my new commute. i'm giving up the place i love, long island. the place i want to be forever. i'm right where i want to be, i'm near the beach and my family and my friends. i'm going to give that up for him. to be with him. to wake up with him every morning. i feel like that's worth it, but i have so many reservations. he's never told me he loves me. actually, today, when we were arguing, he said he feels like he's been in love with me for a while, but doesn't think that should be thrown around without concern for the effect it will have on others. i don't know what that means. if you love someone, why keep it from them? i need to know he's committed to this. i want to know that we're moving in together with the potential to get married and start a family. i don't want to be the perennial co-habitating couple. i want the firm commitment. i don't need it right now, i just need to know that it's a definite possibility. i need to know that nj isn't our dead end, that he would be willing to consider moving to li in the future..
ugh. my therapist was on vacation this week, and my last session was over the phone since the throgs neck bridge caught fire and made traffic on this island a disaster ever since. and she was away for 2 weeks before that, too. things were really great for those few weeks, but now i need to talk. it's only wednesday, and i have to wait until monday. argh.
ok. i need my bed more than i need to go on and on about how i'm socially retarded and can't be direct with the man i think i'm meant to marry.
goodnight.
Wednesday, April 08, 2009
i'm sleepy. i'm sitting on the couch watching married..with children and waiting for steve to get here. we are going to massachusetts in the morning. woo. but it's late. he said he was going to come after the meeting. he just had to pack. but he chose to "relax" for like an hour after that, and now it's almost midnight. he left at like 11:15. so at this hour, he should be here in like 30 minutes. no traffic at all.
i've been the least motivated kid on earth lately. i have owed irene a letter since like january. i just watch tv. alllll the time! argh. oh well, though. i'll get to my need to dos eventually. maybe i'll write that letter this week... i AM off work. i was supposed to go to ireland this week. too bad i suck at saving money and lindsay decided to go to puerto rico with her man instead. i hate girls like that. it's a good thing she has credit with me.
i turned 29 this week. the last year of my 20s... NOT COOL. but i guess getting older isn't too bad. i'm moving closer to something. death. well, other stuff. like.. i don't know. maybe eventually i'll get married. have some babies. i'm not sure i'll marry steve though. as much as i adore him, i don't think he's capable of that kind of love. it's been 6 months and he isn't in love with me. if he is, he's keeping it a real secret. we still see each other only on weekends. one night a week. i still do all my family things alone. it's like being single, but spending saturday nights with someone. i don't know how we can move forward at this pace. he won't open up to me. he has this wall around him. every time i think about it, i think of tori amos' "china".. "you're right next to me, but i need an airplane" OR "sometimes i think you want me to touch you. but how can i, when you build the great wall around you? in yr eyes, i saw a future together.. but you just look away, in the distance." yeah.
that whole thing makes me nervous about this trip we're taking. we're about to spend three nights in a row together, traveling. i don't know how this will go. i don't think we've ever spent so much consecutive time together before. it'll be four nights if he stays saturday. i want him to. i want to have our sunday morning together. but i have a feeling he will want to go home on saturday. UGH.
i'm going to miss kasha like crazy.
my eyes are burning a little. i'm getting a cold. i want to go to bed. i don't know why i'm still up. i could just go to bed. it wasn't my decision for him to leave SO LATE.
ok. that is all. goodnight absent audience.
i've been the least motivated kid on earth lately. i have owed irene a letter since like january. i just watch tv. alllll the time! argh. oh well, though. i'll get to my need to dos eventually. maybe i'll write that letter this week... i AM off work. i was supposed to go to ireland this week. too bad i suck at saving money and lindsay decided to go to puerto rico with her man instead. i hate girls like that. it's a good thing she has credit with me.
i turned 29 this week. the last year of my 20s... NOT COOL. but i guess getting older isn't too bad. i'm moving closer to something. death. well, other stuff. like.. i don't know. maybe eventually i'll get married. have some babies. i'm not sure i'll marry steve though. as much as i adore him, i don't think he's capable of that kind of love. it's been 6 months and he isn't in love with me. if he is, he's keeping it a real secret. we still see each other only on weekends. one night a week. i still do all my family things alone. it's like being single, but spending saturday nights with someone. i don't know how we can move forward at this pace. he won't open up to me. he has this wall around him. every time i think about it, i think of tori amos' "china".. "you're right next to me, but i need an airplane" OR "sometimes i think you want me to touch you. but how can i, when you build the great wall around you? in yr eyes, i saw a future together.. but you just look away, in the distance." yeah.
that whole thing makes me nervous about this trip we're taking. we're about to spend three nights in a row together, traveling. i don't know how this will go. i don't think we've ever spent so much consecutive time together before. it'll be four nights if he stays saturday. i want him to. i want to have our sunday morning together. but i have a feeling he will want to go home on saturday. UGH.
i'm going to miss kasha like crazy.
my eyes are burning a little. i'm getting a cold. i want to go to bed. i don't know why i'm still up. i could just go to bed. it wasn't my decision for him to leave SO LATE.
ok. that is all. goodnight absent audience.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
i'm annoyed. work is annoying. class sizes have increased dramatically and it's the second half of the year. everyone has senioritis, even if they aren't seniors. i'm so tired of caring more about the kids graduating than they do. i'm tired every day. i come home and lay on the couch. i have no motivation. i get in trouble at work all the time for ridiculous things. it is very very draining. being a teacher is such a great job for me, but it's so much work. it's so stressful and working with the kinds of kids i work with takes so much out of you. i'm trying to think of the pros and cons of my job. i need to make a list and really evaluate it. because if the pros don't outweigh the cons, i'm not sure how long i can do this.
my relationship is pretty blah also. at first, i had this affectionate, caring, amazing man. now i have mr. comfortable. we spend one night a week together. he's too busy with his meetings all the other days. i text him at night most days and ask how his day was. he rarely asks how mine was. he hasn't been loving or anything since valentines day. we had a big fight a few weeks ago and i thought we were going to break up. i almost feel like we should have. i don't know if he is able to give me what i need at this point in time. he's still recovering. i can respect that, and i want him to be well, but i want the earlier version of him back. i want to feel special again, and wanted. i want him to tell me he misses me once in a blue moon. he is supposedly getting me a day at the spa for my bday, and i'm looking forward to it. knowing that he thought of something so nice and did the research (we looked at websites for different spas together last weekend) and all that is really cool.. it shows that he thinks of me when i'm not around. but i need to know on a more regular basis. he hasn't told me that he booked my day at the spa yet. in fact, last night he was sort of hands off in convo. tonight i'm not even going to bother. it's his busy night, so it's useless. i'll get in touch with him tomorrow. the thing that sucks is that by not feeling special or important, and only seeing him less than 2 hours per week, makes me really, really insecure. i miss him less lately. i'm beginning to care less. this is me protecting myself. i start to wonder if this is convenience for him. i know the basics of the secrets he keeps. he doesn't have to re-explain. it's someone to keep him company on saturday night. can a relationship go anywhere when you see each other next to never? at valentines day, i could have sworn he was falling in love with me. and then a switch flipped. and now i feel like a time killer. someone to hang out with. he plays video games. he doesn't ever just kiss me out of nowhere. and last weekend, when we had sex for the first time in a month, he hardly even looked at me. i'm probably being insane. but it's important to me to feel important, and i don't. so i guess we'll see what happens...
so that's that. i mean, life sucks. i have the job of my dreams and the man of my dreams, and neither appear to really be working out for me at the moment. they're working on paper, but my head is a mess.
i cured my bought of depression for the day with a nice trip to the shopping mall, where i spent a ton of money i don't have, buying 2 pairs of pants, 3 tank tops (and it's still in the 40s out), a dress shirt (on sale for $40!), 4 pairs of socks, some body shop body scrub and matching lotion, aaaand.. i guess that's it. i wanted to buy incense but the stand is gone. so i don't know how to get any. i think the internet will be the best bet.
ok. concentrate on nets game, watch jeopardy at half time. dinner is beeping away in the microwave. i can't wait to go to bed. stupid life.
my relationship is pretty blah also. at first, i had this affectionate, caring, amazing man. now i have mr. comfortable. we spend one night a week together. he's too busy with his meetings all the other days. i text him at night most days and ask how his day was. he rarely asks how mine was. he hasn't been loving or anything since valentines day. we had a big fight a few weeks ago and i thought we were going to break up. i almost feel like we should have. i don't know if he is able to give me what i need at this point in time. he's still recovering. i can respect that, and i want him to be well, but i want the earlier version of him back. i want to feel special again, and wanted. i want him to tell me he misses me once in a blue moon. he is supposedly getting me a day at the spa for my bday, and i'm looking forward to it. knowing that he thought of something so nice and did the research (we looked at websites for different spas together last weekend) and all that is really cool.. it shows that he thinks of me when i'm not around. but i need to know on a more regular basis. he hasn't told me that he booked my day at the spa yet. in fact, last night he was sort of hands off in convo. tonight i'm not even going to bother. it's his busy night, so it's useless. i'll get in touch with him tomorrow. the thing that sucks is that by not feeling special or important, and only seeing him less than 2 hours per week, makes me really, really insecure. i miss him less lately. i'm beginning to care less. this is me protecting myself. i start to wonder if this is convenience for him. i know the basics of the secrets he keeps. he doesn't have to re-explain. it's someone to keep him company on saturday night. can a relationship go anywhere when you see each other next to never? at valentines day, i could have sworn he was falling in love with me. and then a switch flipped. and now i feel like a time killer. someone to hang out with. he plays video games. he doesn't ever just kiss me out of nowhere. and last weekend, when we had sex for the first time in a month, he hardly even looked at me. i'm probably being insane. but it's important to me to feel important, and i don't. so i guess we'll see what happens...
so that's that. i mean, life sucks. i have the job of my dreams and the man of my dreams, and neither appear to really be working out for me at the moment. they're working on paper, but my head is a mess.
i cured my bought of depression for the day with a nice trip to the shopping mall, where i spent a ton of money i don't have, buying 2 pairs of pants, 3 tank tops (and it's still in the 40s out), a dress shirt (on sale for $40!), 4 pairs of socks, some body shop body scrub and matching lotion, aaaand.. i guess that's it. i wanted to buy incense but the stand is gone. so i don't know how to get any. i think the internet will be the best bet.
ok. concentrate on nets game, watch jeopardy at half time. dinner is beeping away in the microwave. i can't wait to go to bed. stupid life.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
life is confusing. i've got what i want. i've got what i've wanted for over six years! but i'm not happy. i don't really get it. i mean, i know that any voids cannot simply filled by the man of my dreams, but come on. it's not fair. it's been almost 4 months now.. the honeymoon is definitely over. this is not an easy relationship, it doesn't just work. it IS work. being intimate is tricky. i somehow landed a man who is next to never in the mood. but when he is, he has this way of looking at me with such tenderness and kindness and love.. that's what i want all the time. that look. that feeling i get when he looks at me that way. however, initiating anything always always carries the risk of being rejected. and working really hard to get him in the mood, something i have never had to do before, and something he expects me to just know.
i focus on the negative. i focus on the things that make me nervous and insecure. it's stupid. we spent saturday and sunday together, and then monday and tuesday. saturday was valentine's day, it was really good. he was late, which made me mad, but i got over it. he was very affectionate and cuddley when he got here, we made dinner. he wanted to be intimite, which was good because i didn't have to do any wining and dining. we exhanged our valentines gifts. he got me a journal with owls on it (even though he said no gifts!) and he made me a drawing of a chicken in a basketball jersey, which is sort of a joke between us. the chicken was in front of a heart, and he said he drew it because he won my heart with his imagining of a chicken in a basketball jersey back in january 2003. he also gave me a card and wrote inside "the most wonderful part is that my entire life becomes more beautiful every time i spend a part of it with you." i almost died. i made him a cd of love songs and wrote the lyrics i had chosen on a cd book i made. we had dessert and coffee, watched some of a movie.. i got a massage. it was nice. sunday morning we did our puzzles, i made breakfast, and i gave him his massage. he left at his usual 330pm. the night was bad, i was lonely and miserable. i don't do well when he leaves, the raining starts in my head and i wish i could see him. but he has a life and things to do. monday afternoon i went to jersey, we went to the grocery store. he wasn't very affectionate all day. we watched a movie together, had dinner. he tried to cheer me up from my depression but it wasn't altogether successful. what i want from him at those times is affection. i want him to take me in his arms and hold me. look at me with that affectionate gaze. i don't want to watch funny movies. well, i do, but i want the other stuff more. he wasn't particularly cuddley all night or anything. in the morning, he got stright up without cuddling at all. it made me visibly sad, so he came back to bed and cuddled a little.. but i insisted they were pity cuddles. we got up, went to the liberty science center, which was cool. he did hug me and give me a big kiss at one point, but his demeaner was somewhat aloof for most of the day. we went back home, watched some tv together, then he pulled me over to cuddle and watch reno 911. that was nice. then i invited him to shower with me and things went bad. i could tell he wasn't really into it but he came with me anyway. i tried to get him into it, but i felt like i was failing. we didn't communicate well and it ended with me feeling rejected and unable to express anything. so we talked about it and things were ok, but i still feel sort of unsettled. he wasn't very affectionate after that, and i take notice of these things. we went to bed at midnight.. this morning we woke up and he went to get ready for work, he was very growly and it made me feel bad. i tried to make him laugh and cheer him up, but he closed the bathroom door on me. that was the worst feeling.. me just trying to make him happy, and him closing the door on me. he said he didn' sleep much and i don't understand why he would take it out on me. he said he wasn't mad at me, and that he would get better sleep when he was back in his routine. which made me feel sad because it made me feel like i was a disruption to his routine. i want to be a PART of his routine. not a disruption to it.
it's just really hard because i want to see him as ofen as i can, and he's content with weekends only. i want our lives to become intertwined. i want to be a part of his life, not just a participant in it. he has nightmares and he won't talk to me about them. he's had shitty things happen in his life, and sometimes they cause him to go to a terrible place and get inside his head, and he shuts me out. he says he talks to other people about these things, but that doesn't make me feel better. i want to be the person he shares with. i want to be the person he shares his life with. but he doesn't really let me.
and i'm just this extremely expressive person, i want him to know how important he is to me, i want him to know i adore him, and how happy i am when we are together. but he doesn't really return it. i know he cares and all that, and i know he misses me when i'm not around. but he has his little ways of showing that, like by cuddling me for a long time every saturday as soon as we see each other. not by telling me he misses me, not by really expressing that he likes me a lot. and it makes it hard for me to continually express that i miss him, and not hear that he misses me too.
i feel nauseas. i'm anxious and unhappy. i want to talk about it, but we had a big talk last night and i'm not interested in pushing a new topic. especially knowing he isn't in a good mood, he's tired, and he has a long night ahead of him. as far as i know, he has his therapist tonight and his regular meeting. he usually gets home around now, has some cereal, and then goes out to take care of his appointments until about 930.
life is too stressful for me to understand and/or handle most of the time.
i focus on the negative. i focus on the things that make me nervous and insecure. it's stupid. we spent saturday and sunday together, and then monday and tuesday. saturday was valentine's day, it was really good. he was late, which made me mad, but i got over it. he was very affectionate and cuddley when he got here, we made dinner. he wanted to be intimite, which was good because i didn't have to do any wining and dining. we exhanged our valentines gifts. he got me a journal with owls on it (even though he said no gifts!) and he made me a drawing of a chicken in a basketball jersey, which is sort of a joke between us. the chicken was in front of a heart, and he said he drew it because he won my heart with his imagining of a chicken in a basketball jersey back in january 2003. he also gave me a card and wrote inside "the most wonderful part is that my entire life becomes more beautiful every time i spend a part of it with you." i almost died. i made him a cd of love songs and wrote the lyrics i had chosen on a cd book i made. we had dessert and coffee, watched some of a movie.. i got a massage. it was nice. sunday morning we did our puzzles, i made breakfast, and i gave him his massage. he left at his usual 330pm. the night was bad, i was lonely and miserable. i don't do well when he leaves, the raining starts in my head and i wish i could see him. but he has a life and things to do. monday afternoon i went to jersey, we went to the grocery store. he wasn't very affectionate all day. we watched a movie together, had dinner. he tried to cheer me up from my depression but it wasn't altogether successful. what i want from him at those times is affection. i want him to take me in his arms and hold me. look at me with that affectionate gaze. i don't want to watch funny movies. well, i do, but i want the other stuff more. he wasn't particularly cuddley all night or anything. in the morning, he got stright up without cuddling at all. it made me visibly sad, so he came back to bed and cuddled a little.. but i insisted they were pity cuddles. we got up, went to the liberty science center, which was cool. he did hug me and give me a big kiss at one point, but his demeaner was somewhat aloof for most of the day. we went back home, watched some tv together, then he pulled me over to cuddle and watch reno 911. that was nice. then i invited him to shower with me and things went bad. i could tell he wasn't really into it but he came with me anyway. i tried to get him into it, but i felt like i was failing. we didn't communicate well and it ended with me feeling rejected and unable to express anything. so we talked about it and things were ok, but i still feel sort of unsettled. he wasn't very affectionate after that, and i take notice of these things. we went to bed at midnight.. this morning we woke up and he went to get ready for work, he was very growly and it made me feel bad. i tried to make him laugh and cheer him up, but he closed the bathroom door on me. that was the worst feeling.. me just trying to make him happy, and him closing the door on me. he said he didn' sleep much and i don't understand why he would take it out on me. he said he wasn't mad at me, and that he would get better sleep when he was back in his routine. which made me feel sad because it made me feel like i was a disruption to his routine. i want to be a PART of his routine. not a disruption to it.
it's just really hard because i want to see him as ofen as i can, and he's content with weekends only. i want our lives to become intertwined. i want to be a part of his life, not just a participant in it. he has nightmares and he won't talk to me about them. he's had shitty things happen in his life, and sometimes they cause him to go to a terrible place and get inside his head, and he shuts me out. he says he talks to other people about these things, but that doesn't make me feel better. i want to be the person he shares with. i want to be the person he shares his life with. but he doesn't really let me.
and i'm just this extremely expressive person, i want him to know how important he is to me, i want him to know i adore him, and how happy i am when we are together. but he doesn't really return it. i know he cares and all that, and i know he misses me when i'm not around. but he has his little ways of showing that, like by cuddling me for a long time every saturday as soon as we see each other. not by telling me he misses me, not by really expressing that he likes me a lot. and it makes it hard for me to continually express that i miss him, and not hear that he misses me too.
i feel nauseas. i'm anxious and unhappy. i want to talk about it, but we had a big talk last night and i'm not interested in pushing a new topic. especially knowing he isn't in a good mood, he's tired, and he has a long night ahead of him. as far as i know, he has his therapist tonight and his regular meeting. he usually gets home around now, has some cereal, and then goes out to take care of his appointments until about 930.
life is too stressful for me to understand and/or handle most of the time.
Friday, January 30, 2009
relationships are a lot of work. it's sort of annoying. after 3 months i always become disillusioned. i thought it wouldn't happen this time, seeing as i've felt so strongly for so long. maybe it's just a little bump in the road. maybe no man is capable of giving a woman what she needs. maybe no man is unselfish. i'm in this relationship that really only exists on weekends. he's like, too busy to even check in with me on weekdays. what the hell is that? whatever though. he isn't totally selfish, he got us nets tickets for next weekend and he does thoughtful things for me all the time. i just wish i knew he thought of me when i wasn't around.
why is everything so complicated all the time???
why is everything so complicated all the time???
Monday, December 29, 2008
i think it's really funny that the first example tag below is "scooters". really? scooters? people blog about that? interesting. maybe i should read other people's blogs. i used to do that.
so i'm watching what not to wear and i'm tired. i'm content overall, the holidays weren't as stressful as usual. rachel is the cutest baby on the planet, and i loved holding her. she's precious and she's pretty quiet. i'm looking forward to seeing her grow up!
steve and i have been back together since the last time i posted. i have strangely little to say about that. it's not easy. relationships are worse than being single. at least when yr alone you don't have to worry about someone else's happiness. maybe i'm inherently a selfish person. but at the same time, i'd rather be with him than be alone. mostly because he's amazing and i'm totally in love, but that doesn't negate the amount of work we have to put into this for it to work. this week we spent five consecutive days together, the first time for us to spend more than 3 days, and those time it's been like, a night, a day and a morning. i went over his place early on christmas and stayed through til saturday morning. we had a lazy day on christmas then we went to dinner at his friend's. he got me a framed print of the death of socrates (my fave) and i got him a framed print of a painting of a crow. they're his favorite bird. i thought it was cute that we each got the other art! i spent the night thursday and hung around his apartment while he was at work friday. he came home and we had dinner, took a little nap, he went to a meeting and i watched the nets game. he came home unhappy bc his mother had called him, so he played his computer game and i watched basketball and did a crossword. i stayed again friday night, spent the morning saturday and came home mid-afternoon saturday. i did nothing saturday night, cleaned and took care of errands sunday. i cooked some food and he came over around 8 sunday night. we did crosswords, watched a movie, and went to bed. he today off to hand out with me while i was off! we had a discussion about intimicy which was annoying but stuff we have to work out somehow eventually.. then we went to the aquarium, he was all in his head the whole time and it wasn't much fun for me. when we got back, he wanted to leave so he could make his meeting. this is something i'm going to have to learn to deal with if i want this, him fleeing to meetings when he's frustrated. but we made plans when i walked him to his car for me to go over to his place on wednesday for new years. so two nights apart and then back together. then the weekend! so i'm happy with seeing him a lot, i really enjoyed it despite today's drama. he's so affectionate, i love just laying with him on the couch, sometimes he just cuddles my feet, or friday night when i was doing the puzzle he came over to help me and laid on my back. or last night, when we got into bed, he said, "i was awfully lonely last night!".. that's so sweet, we spent one night apart and he, in his round-about way, told me he missed me. these things are what i love about us, how he can play his game and i can do a puzzle, and sometimes we'll go by each other and be affectionate.. yet we can also just cuddle together and be super happy. so i'll overlook the bad because the work is worth it. he's what i want, he's all i've wanted for 6 years, and i'm not really going to throw it all away because there are a couple hitches. that would be insane. he's met my family, he came over for christmas at my dads a couple weeks ago (they do it early to accomodate the growth of our family) and got my dad's stamp of approval, which he claims to be "key to the whole operation." he took me to a meeting a couple of weeks ago, i met his sponsor and his good friend mark. he came to a school function with me and met lindsay.. we're definitely progressing. whenever we have these little rough spots and i get worried that i've said the wrong thing he assures me that he's not going anywhere. i'm trying to trust him when he says that, just enjoy our time rather than fearing the consequences of what could happen. blah blah blah. basically i'm in love and i'd like to keep things the way they are for the rest of my life. well, except that we'll live together and be married and have a family. ha.
personal trainer cooking? what? can't you just follow a recipe? you need a wii in order to make food? interesting...
six more days til one tree hill comes back on! YAY! it's been four whole weeks!!! and now i'm down to a six-day wait! yippee. i'm pretty psyched.
man it's 11:11pm. i have to bring my car in for inspection and an oil change tomorrow. i'd like to fast forward tomorrow and get to wednesday so i can see my man. spending this much time together is going to be bad in the long run, next week we'll have to go back to weekends until february unless this run of seeing each other extra makes him want to try weeknights together. i can do it. i'd be willing to get up early and drive to great neck from nj. i can probably skip manhattan and do the GW bridge to the throgs neck and get to work in a reasonable amount of time. i need to get an EZpass, but i don't really have available credit to pay the tolls. i could prob just link it my debit since i always take out cash to pay the tolls anyway. i should do that like tomorrow. my life would be infinitely more easy, i think about this EVERY TIME i'm sitting in the cash lane at the lincoln tunnel plaza and there is NO LINE for the EZPass lane. if i wasn't so lazy i might do it right now. you probably need yr car info. which i don't think i have.
anyway. married..with children time and then bed.. happy new year!!!
so i'm watching what not to wear and i'm tired. i'm content overall, the holidays weren't as stressful as usual. rachel is the cutest baby on the planet, and i loved holding her. she's precious and she's pretty quiet. i'm looking forward to seeing her grow up!
steve and i have been back together since the last time i posted. i have strangely little to say about that. it's not easy. relationships are worse than being single. at least when yr alone you don't have to worry about someone else's happiness. maybe i'm inherently a selfish person. but at the same time, i'd rather be with him than be alone. mostly because he's amazing and i'm totally in love, but that doesn't negate the amount of work we have to put into this for it to work. this week we spent five consecutive days together, the first time for us to spend more than 3 days, and those time it's been like, a night, a day and a morning. i went over his place early on christmas and stayed through til saturday morning. we had a lazy day on christmas then we went to dinner at his friend's. he got me a framed print of the death of socrates (my fave) and i got him a framed print of a painting of a crow. they're his favorite bird. i thought it was cute that we each got the other art! i spent the night thursday and hung around his apartment while he was at work friday. he came home and we had dinner, took a little nap, he went to a meeting and i watched the nets game. he came home unhappy bc his mother had called him, so he played his computer game and i watched basketball and did a crossword. i stayed again friday night, spent the morning saturday and came home mid-afternoon saturday. i did nothing saturday night, cleaned and took care of errands sunday. i cooked some food and he came over around 8 sunday night. we did crosswords, watched a movie, and went to bed. he today off to hand out with me while i was off! we had a discussion about intimicy which was annoying but stuff we have to work out somehow eventually.. then we went to the aquarium, he was all in his head the whole time and it wasn't much fun for me. when we got back, he wanted to leave so he could make his meeting. this is something i'm going to have to learn to deal with if i want this, him fleeing to meetings when he's frustrated. but we made plans when i walked him to his car for me to go over to his place on wednesday for new years. so two nights apart and then back together. then the weekend! so i'm happy with seeing him a lot, i really enjoyed it despite today's drama. he's so affectionate, i love just laying with him on the couch, sometimes he just cuddles my feet, or friday night when i was doing the puzzle he came over to help me and laid on my back. or last night, when we got into bed, he said, "i was awfully lonely last night!".. that's so sweet, we spent one night apart and he, in his round-about way, told me he missed me. these things are what i love about us, how he can play his game and i can do a puzzle, and sometimes we'll go by each other and be affectionate.. yet we can also just cuddle together and be super happy. so i'll overlook the bad because the work is worth it. he's what i want, he's all i've wanted for 6 years, and i'm not really going to throw it all away because there are a couple hitches. that would be insane. he's met my family, he came over for christmas at my dads a couple weeks ago (they do it early to accomodate the growth of our family) and got my dad's stamp of approval, which he claims to be "key to the whole operation." he took me to a meeting a couple of weeks ago, i met his sponsor and his good friend mark. he came to a school function with me and met lindsay.. we're definitely progressing. whenever we have these little rough spots and i get worried that i've said the wrong thing he assures me that he's not going anywhere. i'm trying to trust him when he says that, just enjoy our time rather than fearing the consequences of what could happen. blah blah blah. basically i'm in love and i'd like to keep things the way they are for the rest of my life. well, except that we'll live together and be married and have a family. ha.
personal trainer cooking? what? can't you just follow a recipe? you need a wii in order to make food? interesting...
six more days til one tree hill comes back on! YAY! it's been four whole weeks!!! and now i'm down to a six-day wait! yippee. i'm pretty psyched.
man it's 11:11pm. i have to bring my car in for inspection and an oil change tomorrow. i'd like to fast forward tomorrow and get to wednesday so i can see my man. spending this much time together is going to be bad in the long run, next week we'll have to go back to weekends until february unless this run of seeing each other extra makes him want to try weeknights together. i can do it. i'd be willing to get up early and drive to great neck from nj. i can probably skip manhattan and do the GW bridge to the throgs neck and get to work in a reasonable amount of time. i need to get an EZpass, but i don't really have available credit to pay the tolls. i could prob just link it my debit since i always take out cash to pay the tolls anyway. i should do that like tomorrow. my life would be infinitely more easy, i think about this EVERY TIME i'm sitting in the cash lane at the lincoln tunnel plaza and there is NO LINE for the EZPass lane. if i wasn't so lazy i might do it right now. you probably need yr car info. which i don't think i have.
anyway. married..with children time and then bed.. happy new year!!!
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
all i really have to say is blah. everything is pretty ok. except work, which i really don't like anymore. but i'm not going to talk about that. sorta seeing steve again since the last time i posted. we ended up hooking up and then we talked about it and he said he wants to see me more often and take things one day at a time. so i'm always confused because it's been a month now, more if you count from when he brought me soup because i think that was the first step toward this, but anyway. i never want to bring it up so i never do. mostly because i don't know when is proper to talk about things again. whatever. i might try this weekend. i might not. this weekend i'm going to probably go to nj, he got this movie he wants me to see from netflix and we might fix a psuedo thanksgiving. we'll see how i feel.
the purpose of this post, however, is thanksgiving. and how much i HATE holidays. like, HATE them. i think they're the devil. i also think that if i were to read back every november and december since i started this blog five years ago, i would find that i say this every year. but now i mean it. before i hated them because they were so stressful, trying to see my divorced parents, fitting it in with mike's family, whatever, but now that this will be my third round of single holidays, it's official if you are last to get married, it's fucking awkward. especially if you don't even have a boyfriend. i am the OLDEST. i am the ONLY single person. oh, except for the two infants, they're single also. only they are the two singles who get all the attention. no one pays any attention to me. i invited steve to come, but he declined. i didn't want him to be alone, and i didn't want to feel alone. but no. gotta do this one on my own, entertain myself. i'll bring a book. my skeevy uncle larry is going to be there. ew.
so i don't know. i had a lot to say about the holidays, and how much i hate them, and then i lost the drive to continue this post. so i'm gonna watch jeopardy and go to bed.
the purpose of this post, however, is thanksgiving. and how much i HATE holidays. like, HATE them. i think they're the devil. i also think that if i were to read back every november and december since i started this blog five years ago, i would find that i say this every year. but now i mean it. before i hated them because they were so stressful, trying to see my divorced parents, fitting it in with mike's family, whatever, but now that this will be my third round of single holidays, it's official if you are last to get married, it's fucking awkward. especially if you don't even have a boyfriend. i am the OLDEST. i am the ONLY single person. oh, except for the two infants, they're single also. only they are the two singles who get all the attention. no one pays any attention to me. i invited steve to come, but he declined. i didn't want him to be alone, and i didn't want to feel alone. but no. gotta do this one on my own, entertain myself. i'll bring a book. my skeevy uncle larry is going to be there. ew.
so i don't know. i had a lot to say about the holidays, and how much i hate them, and then i lost the drive to continue this post. so i'm gonna watch jeopardy and go to bed.
Saturday, November 01, 2008
i am so nervous right now, i'm bursting with butterflies. i feel like my stomach is liquid. this is usual for days i will see steve. this is how i know that i have real feelings for him. it's so intense, and i'm so excited. i'll be cooking some mashed potatoes and asparagus (yuck!) with a ribeye steak for him and veggie chik'n nuggets for me. i got a recipe for a marinade online and another for sauteed asparagus.
my mom is on her way over and i think she'll want to get lunch. i don't know if this is at all feasible for me. i don't think i can even imagine eating food, let alone actually eating it. i wanted to go to manhasset and pick up some mini black forest cakes, but i don't know if that will be happening.
tonight i'll be wearing the smallest skirt i own, and he'll be wearing some spandex pants. i'm stepping out of my comfort zone to help him step out if his. he wrote "well, i feel safe with you. especially with that stuff. even that is a new feeling for me though, and it's something think i'd like to explore, you know?" and i do know. i know also that there is probably a good chance that this is another exercise in helping someone grow so they can move on and i can remain alone and lonely. i'll do all the legwork so some other girl can step in and he can fall in love with her, and they can have a happily ever after...
but whatever, i mean.. maybe it will be me. maybe he'll see how much i love him, and it'll make him realize he can feel those sorts of things, and he'll feel them for me. i drove to nj on a work night tuesday just to cheer him up. the depth of my emotion is immeasurable. maybe tonight he'll see....
my mom is on her way over and i think she'll want to get lunch. i don't know if this is at all feasible for me. i don't think i can even imagine eating food, let alone actually eating it. i wanted to go to manhasset and pick up some mini black forest cakes, but i don't know if that will be happening.
tonight i'll be wearing the smallest skirt i own, and he'll be wearing some spandex pants. i'm stepping out of my comfort zone to help him step out if his. he wrote "well, i feel safe with you. especially with that stuff. even that is a new feeling for me though, and it's something think i'd like to explore, you know?" and i do know. i know also that there is probably a good chance that this is another exercise in helping someone grow so they can move on and i can remain alone and lonely. i'll do all the legwork so some other girl can step in and he can fall in love with her, and they can have a happily ever after...
but whatever, i mean.. maybe it will be me. maybe he'll see how much i love him, and it'll make him realize he can feel those sorts of things, and he'll feel them for me. i drove to nj on a work night tuesday just to cheer him up. the depth of my emotion is immeasurable. maybe tonight he'll see....
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
ok so i have the most confusing boy on the planet in my life. yesterday at lunchtime he texts me "tell me a joke. i'm in a bad mood today" so i did and we texted a bunch, he said he was feeling real irritable since sunday, so i offered to come give him a hug. and randomly after declining, he asks what time i get out of work and invites me over! so i did. because i'm obviously insane. we cuddled a lot, it was amazing. we talked a lot about stuff, i told him about work drama and he really made me feel a lot better about the situation. we ate some food, he played guitar a bunch, we watched billy budd. so all this cuddling and not one kiss, AGAIN. so confusing. seriously, we were totally cuddling like lovers, and i don't understand how it could not mean something to him. we have so much fun together, we laugh, we soothe each other. he turned to me to cheer him up when he was down. i don't get how i could just be a body supplying closeness to him. i refuse to believe it. he loves me, he just doesn't know it yet.
i'm starving. this annoys me because it's 11:23.
and i'm going to bed.
i'm starving. this annoys me because it's 11:23.
and i'm going to bed.
Monday, October 20, 2008
i'm crazy for you, touch me once and you'll know it's true
i've never wanted anyone like this, it's all brand new
you'll feel it in my kiss..
i'm crazy for you
madonna
i've never wanted anyone like this, it's all brand new
you'll feel it in my kiss..
i'm crazy for you
madonna
madonna is recently divorced, i guess. her song is awesome though! and it WILL be my wedding song. WHEN I MARRY STEVE!
ok, so i'm insane, but really.. all i can say is that he is the most amazing man on the planet, and if yesterday didn't have a deeper meaning than that he was being friendly, then he's a world-class torturer. here's what happened: he got here at 11:15 in lounge gear carrying two huge bags full of stuff. he had both of my newspapers, lots of homemade potato leek soup (with a package of thyme for garnish! he brought GARNISH!), aaaand... a whole tray of baked ziti! for ME! so i wouldn't have to cook for a few days! so i started to make room in the fridge, and he was like "what are you doing?? i can take care of that. go get settled on the sofa." so i did, and he brought me a mucinex and a full glass of water to take it with. i got comfy on the couch with my puzzles and my cup of tea, and after a few minutes he joined me. i finished my tea and got up to put the mug in the sink, and he stopped me, took the mug and not only brought it to the sink, but WASHED IT as well. ok, so he comes back and i put on this mix cd i made last week that i'm sort of obsessed with. it started with starflyer 59 and he was psyched. it also has "how soon is now?" (the smiths), "when doves cry" (prince.. my fav lyrics are "animals strike curious poses" and "you got the butterflies all tied up.. don't make me chase you") and "never gonna give you up" (rick astley!). so when that came on, i put on the video and we laughed hysterically at rick's denim on denim ensemble and his godawful dancing skills.. or lack thereof. he definitely was leg cuddling with me, his feet were in my space and it felt like old times, us on sunday, doing our puzzles, being so perfect....... ok, so the cd ended, and he heated the soup (it was SO GOOD). we put on the giants game and continued our puzzles. he wouldn't let me even get up to at halftime he asked if i wanted to watch this david cross dvd he had brought with him. he said it was going to be hilarious. it, however, turned out to be a tour diary and somewhat lame. we laid together on the couch watching it.. it was so nice, i could smell him and i never wanted to move again. about halfway through the dvd he got tired of it bc it wasn't as funny as he'd thought and he turned it off. he decided he was ready for a nap and was laying on the couch with me but on opposite ends. i couldn't get comfortable, so we moved to my bed. he fell asleep immediately. after about an hour of me pretending to sleep, he rolled over and spooned me so nice. when we "woke up" (well, me at least, since i didn't nap at all), he rolled onto me all cute like he used to. i think i could have died right then and there, and i'd have been ok. seriously. so he got up and put the ziti in the oven, and then he came back to bed. we cuddled a lot more and we laughed a lot. he thinks i'm too skinny. he told me about how much he loves to eat the fat on the meat (ew) and he was so excited. we laughed about married..with children, we laughed about ALF, we just laughed and laughed. and then we were laying there, facing each other in each others arms, he had his face on top of my face.. and he never kissed me. maybe bc i was sick? maybe bc he didn't want to? i don't know. but finally we got up and ate.. he wouldn't let me help at all, and when i finished, he took my plate and loaded the dishwasher. we watched some of the jets game, and then it was 7 and he said he ought to be heading out.. so i walked him to his car, and he gave me a hug. i told him that i was really appreciative of everything he'd done for me, that no one had ever done anything like that for me before, no one had ever taken care of me before... and he said "well i'm not everyone else." so i said "that's right, yr awesome" and he was like "nah" and i said, "i'm going with yes" and he got sheepish and said "ok" in a really cute voice. we hugged again, and then he was gone. later, he texted me to let me know he got home ok and i said again how grateful i was for everything, and that he had really made me feel special. he wrote "no problem. my pleasure." so i don't know. why do all this for me? why be the most amazing man ever without wanting to be with me? does he want to try again? does he miss me? is he just being a good friend? but you don't do that for someone you know has feelings for you.. i wouldn't do that for mike, it would be leading him on.. i don't know. i'm so in love with him, and i'm so jealous of how great he is, and how i can't have that as a permanent part of my existence. i need him. i need to have that. today i texted him and i wrote "i'm feeling SO much better today! maybe i just needed some tlc ha. i had some more of the soup before, too, yr the best!" and he responded "yeah, a little tlc can go a long way. you deserve it. glad yr feeling better." i deserve it? i don't know. i want to cry. i want him. i want him so bad.
he left his cassarole dish here.
november 1. i'm going to attempt to see him then. make him dinner for his birthday. buy him a nice fatty ribeye (which he will have to cook! but he doesn't buy steak anymore to save money, so it's the thought....), make some amazing mashed potatoes...
i'll make you love me, jones. if it kills me.
ok, so i'm insane, but really.. all i can say is that he is the most amazing man on the planet, and if yesterday didn't have a deeper meaning than that he was being friendly, then he's a world-class torturer. here's what happened: he got here at 11:15 in lounge gear carrying two huge bags full of stuff. he had both of my newspapers, lots of homemade potato leek soup (with a package of thyme for garnish! he brought GARNISH!), aaaand... a whole tray of baked ziti! for ME! so i wouldn't have to cook for a few days! so i started to make room in the fridge, and he was like "what are you doing?? i can take care of that. go get settled on the sofa." so i did, and he brought me a mucinex and a full glass of water to take it with. i got comfy on the couch with my puzzles and my cup of tea, and after a few minutes he joined me. i finished my tea and got up to put the mug in the sink, and he stopped me, took the mug and not only brought it to the sink, but WASHED IT as well. ok, so he comes back and i put on this mix cd i made last week that i'm sort of obsessed with. it started with starflyer 59 and he was psyched. it also has "how soon is now?" (the smiths), "when doves cry" (prince.. my fav lyrics are "animals strike curious poses" and "you got the butterflies all tied up.. don't make me chase you") and "never gonna give you up" (rick astley!). so when that came on, i put on the video and we laughed hysterically at rick's denim on denim ensemble and his godawful dancing skills.. or lack thereof. he definitely was leg cuddling with me, his feet were in my space and it felt like old times, us on sunday, doing our puzzles, being so perfect....... ok, so the cd ended, and he heated the soup (it was SO GOOD). we put on the giants game and continued our puzzles. he wouldn't let me even get up to at halftime he asked if i wanted to watch this david cross dvd he had brought with him. he said it was going to be hilarious. it, however, turned out to be a tour diary and somewhat lame. we laid together on the couch watching it.. it was so nice, i could smell him and i never wanted to move again. about halfway through the dvd he got tired of it bc it wasn't as funny as he'd thought and he turned it off. he decided he was ready for a nap and was laying on the couch with me but on opposite ends. i couldn't get comfortable, so we moved to my bed. he fell asleep immediately. after about an hour of me pretending to sleep, he rolled over and spooned me so nice. when we "woke up" (well, me at least, since i didn't nap at all), he rolled onto me all cute like he used to. i think i could have died right then and there, and i'd have been ok. seriously. so he got up and put the ziti in the oven, and then he came back to bed. we cuddled a lot more and we laughed a lot. he thinks i'm too skinny. he told me about how much he loves to eat the fat on the meat (ew) and he was so excited. we laughed about married..with children, we laughed about ALF, we just laughed and laughed. and then we were laying there, facing each other in each others arms, he had his face on top of my face.. and he never kissed me. maybe bc i was sick? maybe bc he didn't want to? i don't know. but finally we got up and ate.. he wouldn't let me help at all, and when i finished, he took my plate and loaded the dishwasher. we watched some of the jets game, and then it was 7 and he said he ought to be heading out.. so i walked him to his car, and he gave me a hug. i told him that i was really appreciative of everything he'd done for me, that no one had ever done anything like that for me before, no one had ever taken care of me before... and he said "well i'm not everyone else." so i said "that's right, yr awesome" and he was like "nah" and i said, "i'm going with yes" and he got sheepish and said "ok" in a really cute voice. we hugged again, and then he was gone. later, he texted me to let me know he got home ok and i said again how grateful i was for everything, and that he had really made me feel special. he wrote "no problem. my pleasure." so i don't know. why do all this for me? why be the most amazing man ever without wanting to be with me? does he want to try again? does he miss me? is he just being a good friend? but you don't do that for someone you know has feelings for you.. i wouldn't do that for mike, it would be leading him on.. i don't know. i'm so in love with him, and i'm so jealous of how great he is, and how i can't have that as a permanent part of my existence. i need him. i need to have that. today i texted him and i wrote "i'm feeling SO much better today! maybe i just needed some tlc ha. i had some more of the soup before, too, yr the best!" and he responded "yeah, a little tlc can go a long way. you deserve it. glad yr feeling better." i deserve it? i don't know. i want to cry. i want him. i want him so bad.
he left his cassarole dish here.
november 1. i'm going to attempt to see him then. make him dinner for his birthday. buy him a nice fatty ribeye (which he will have to cook! but he doesn't buy steak anymore to save money, so it's the thought....), make some amazing mashed potatoes...
i'll make you love me, jones. if it kills me.
Friday, October 17, 2008
i want you back
the honorary title
never been so eager, not to this extent
can't imagine leaving, i'm comfortably obsessed
it seems misleading, such a far stretch
but i mean every word i've said
the honorary title
ok. so i'm sort of bugging out. why, oh why, you ask? because a certain MAN OF MY DREAMS has invited himself over to my apartment on sunday. note: invited himself. not me. him. this is what happened: i texted him to tell him that smashing pumpkins are playing some shows next month and it's supposed to be like old stuff for their 20th anniversary. so he responded saying he had heard, and wasn't going. i didn't plan to go, either, i saw them in 1996 when they were playing those songs, too ha. anyway, he asked how i'm enjoying the book he lent me, brighton rock by graham greene. i said i liked it so far, but was only on page 85 bc i've been super sick all week. long story short, he asked if i needed anything, i said i didn't think so, he said he had just been looking at a recipe for potato leek soup, i said that's one of my favorites.. he said it looked easy, the hardest part would be getting it here, but that he could make it happen. so i was like "that's super sweet, but i don't want to ask you to come all the way here.. i'm so tempted though, i love potato leek!" and he said he could make it happen on sunday, that he was really sick last week and he knows how it is. then he even said he would stop and pick up the newspapers for me, so i don't have to leave the house! oh.my.god. WHY IS HE DOING THIS TO ME? those are the sweetest gestures. we haven't seen each other in a month. i'm dying here. literally, dying. i am so excited. it's absurd. i can't believe it. i gave him SO MANY chances to be like "well, i was just seeing" or "ok, just checking" instead of offering to make homemade soup and deliver it to me with my newspapers and everything. and he's bringing some comedy dvd. i don't understand. after all of our exchange of emails regarding the mike thing (did i talk about this? hope so..) and me saying that when he finds his definition of love in someone she's gonna be a very lucky girl, and then for him to do all this.. it makes me intensely jealous. because for him, i'm sure this is some bizarre friend thing, not him being the world's most perfect boyfriend. i want this. no one has EVER offered to bring me soup when i was sick, let alone cross state lines to bring me soup two days in the future. and the papers! oh my. i texted lindsay but she must be busy. i called my mom, but she was going to get a movie with helen. i don't really have any other friends to talk to i know lindsEy is out with work people, and heather is at a wedding that she is in.. obviously can't talk to tom or mike since they're in love with me for some bizarro reason. what i really want is to call my therapist, but something about that is unsettling to me. i'm certainly going to have plenty to talk about on monday! i could call katie. i actually might. i'm going crazy here. ok, dinner and jeopardy. OH! MY! GOD! i'm bursting here hahaha :D
xoxoxo
xoxoxo
Saturday, October 11, 2008
i feel must interject here you're getting
carried away feeling sorry for yourself
with these revisions and gaps in history
so let me help you remember.
i've made charts and graphs that should finally make it clear.
i've prepared a lecture on why i have to leave
so please back away and let me go
...
you've had yr chance so say goodbye.
say goodbye.
the postal service
carried away feeling sorry for yourself
with these revisions and gaps in history
so let me help you remember.
i've made charts and graphs that should finally make it clear.
i've prepared a lecture on why i have to leave
so please back away and let me go
...
you've had yr chance so say goodbye.
say goodbye.
the postal service
ugh.
so much to say but no motivation to say it. i don't know what i've already said. i did neglect to say that it was my blog's 5th birthday last month. sorry blog. happy belated birthday to you.
ok, so here's what's happened. i neglected to say, i think, that tom decided he had/has strong feelings for me, and wants to give us another shot. riiight. so, basically, you needed time to screw around and now that you got that out of yr system you want me back? sorry, i don't have those kind of feelings anymore. we went to a wedding together in like early september and it was awkward. i still get random late night texts from him that just say "i hate you". but he says the window is closing and he's returning to summer 2007 mentality, so oh well. good for him.
amazingly, i never talked about seeing steve three weeks ago. i think it was three weeks ago. maybe it was a month now. anyway, i saw him. i brought my crossword puzzle to nj and he solved it in the length of one 10,000 maniacs record. not bad. i sent it to the new york times almost two weeks ago but i haven't heard from them. i'm going with no news is good news for now. so yah, we watched the movei wilde which was sort of boring, and we both fell asleep before it ended. then it was like 1:23am and he asked if i wanted to stay, and i did, so i did. we kind of tangled our legs in the bed. i had a headache so he made me eat a granola bar and take aspirin. then we was sighing, so i asked what was wrong and he said "nothing" and i was like "ok, well besides nothing?" and he said he was finding it hard to lay in the bed with me without being physical.. so we kind of talked about it, agreed no one would have hurt feelings (meaning me), and got on with it. it was amazing to feel his skin against my skin, i felt like i was home, but i had to remind myself that home is not there with him, he doesn't feel at home with me, and that it was what it was. so it was fine. i woke up a lot through the night, and things were somewhat awkward the following day. i rubbed his back for him, and i left by 1pm. i think he was surprised i was leaving so early, but i wasn't sure if it was pleasantly. it might have been. i was sad and all afterward bc i really still think he's the one for me, but i'm not the one for him so what can i do? nothing. the future will be what it will be, and i'm not in control here. i have to let it be. and it will be something, i'm just not sure what. so anyway, he randomly texted me the following saturday to ask if i'd sent in the puzzle yet, and we exchanged a few messages. then he sent me some of his poetry and i sent him some of mine. then last friday he randomly texted me to ask if i was still in atlantic city (i was not, i had gone on tuesday! it's a one-night kinda place) and we exchanged a few more messages. i have no idea why he wanted to know if i was still in AC.. it made no sense because why would he care? did he want me to stop by? bleh i have no idea. so whatever. then last weekend we also were emailing on sunday bc i told him about what i'm going through with mike (i'll elaborate later) bc one of the poems i had written dealt with it. and he was trying to be helpful, but sometimes i think him patronizing. whatever, though. then today i texted him to tell him i'd be starting the book he lent me (a graham greene novel, his favorite) today and he's responded but in his own time, like the first response came 6 or 7 hours later, the second response over an hour later and no third response yet though my last message contained a question about a hermans hermits record. i'm basically over him, i'm not going to hold out forever for him to realize that we're right for each other, and i'm sure if he DID come around i would either a) drop whoever i was with or b) not have those feelings anymore, since it seems more like the chase is what i fall in love with. i don't feel intense pangs of jealousy thinking of him on a saturday night anymore, but i do compusively check his netflix queue to see if any of the movies are date flicks.
ok, so michael. jesus, this post is wayyy too long. ok, so two weeks ago mike was here watching tv as usual when i announced i might go to atlantic city the following tuesday since i had two days off for rosh hashanah. he asked who i was going with. having no answer, i said "i don't know, i just thought of it" and then i blurted out "you can come if you want" like an asshole. so of course he jumped on it. so we went to AC and had a lovely night drinking and winning money (i won $200 but really i lost $260 and then won $589! it was super exciting. i pissed the $89 into slots though ha). we went up to the room at like 4am and he started kissing me and i protested, reminded him about tina, etc and he was like "i'm not in love with her. i'm in love with someone else." it was awkward, he cried, and i did not budge on the issue. i reminded him i don't want to be with anyone (small lie, but mostly true bc who i want to be with doesn't want to be with me) and that i'm a disaster (true!). so he stopped crying and seemed to accept it. then we went to bed and he made moves and i didn't resist though i insisted that it meant nothing, it cannot give him hope, and he agreed. the next day he was sort of clingy and i was sort of irritated each time he touched me. then the next day he had to lend me his car and he came over and didn't leave for a while. which was annoying. then the following day he had to drive me to my dads to get the tahoe and he overstayed his welcome again after tv time. annoying again. then the following day we had plans to go into the city for candace's bday party and on the drive back he had his hand on my thigh the whole time. NOT COOL. but i couldn't start with him in the car, so i didn't protest. so tuesday i had to call him bc he had weed and i didn't, and he came over to watch the debate and he asked if he could stay over. i said i didn't think that was smart, and i said that if i was going to return to him, that i would do so in my own time and on my own terms. he seemed to understand that and left. he acted normal on thursday for tv night, staying on his own couch and that made me happy. i feel really bad about the whole situation, but he's holding on to a dream. that's why i chose the lyrics i used for this post. he keeps tearing out the sutres and he needs to stop. i'm not going to return. which makes me realize that it's very possible that steve will never return to me. so.. whatever. it's ok if i turn into the maiden aunt, or the crazy cat lady.
ok so i'm tired of typing now.
my little red squiggly lines are not appearing, which is making me sad. sorry for any typos to all the non-readers (or just irene)!
xoxo
so much to say but no motivation to say it. i don't know what i've already said. i did neglect to say that it was my blog's 5th birthday last month. sorry blog. happy belated birthday to you.
ok, so here's what's happened. i neglected to say, i think, that tom decided he had/has strong feelings for me, and wants to give us another shot. riiight. so, basically, you needed time to screw around and now that you got that out of yr system you want me back? sorry, i don't have those kind of feelings anymore. we went to a wedding together in like early september and it was awkward. i still get random late night texts from him that just say "i hate you". but he says the window is closing and he's returning to summer 2007 mentality, so oh well. good for him.
amazingly, i never talked about seeing steve three weeks ago. i think it was three weeks ago. maybe it was a month now. anyway, i saw him. i brought my crossword puzzle to nj and he solved it in the length of one 10,000 maniacs record. not bad. i sent it to the new york times almost two weeks ago but i haven't heard from them. i'm going with no news is good news for now. so yah, we watched the movei wilde which was sort of boring, and we both fell asleep before it ended. then it was like 1:23am and he asked if i wanted to stay, and i did, so i did. we kind of tangled our legs in the bed. i had a headache so he made me eat a granola bar and take aspirin. then we was sighing, so i asked what was wrong and he said "nothing" and i was like "ok, well besides nothing?" and he said he was finding it hard to lay in the bed with me without being physical.. so we kind of talked about it, agreed no one would have hurt feelings (meaning me), and got on with it. it was amazing to feel his skin against my skin, i felt like i was home, but i had to remind myself that home is not there with him, he doesn't feel at home with me, and that it was what it was. so it was fine. i woke up a lot through the night, and things were somewhat awkward the following day. i rubbed his back for him, and i left by 1pm. i think he was surprised i was leaving so early, but i wasn't sure if it was pleasantly. it might have been. i was sad and all afterward bc i really still think he's the one for me, but i'm not the one for him so what can i do? nothing. the future will be what it will be, and i'm not in control here. i have to let it be. and it will be something, i'm just not sure what. so anyway, he randomly texted me the following saturday to ask if i'd sent in the puzzle yet, and we exchanged a few messages. then he sent me some of his poetry and i sent him some of mine. then last friday he randomly texted me to ask if i was still in atlantic city (i was not, i had gone on tuesday! it's a one-night kinda place) and we exchanged a few more messages. i have no idea why he wanted to know if i was still in AC.. it made no sense because why would he care? did he want me to stop by? bleh i have no idea. so whatever. then last weekend we also were emailing on sunday bc i told him about what i'm going through with mike (i'll elaborate later) bc one of the poems i had written dealt with it. and he was trying to be helpful, but sometimes i think him patronizing. whatever, though. then today i texted him to tell him i'd be starting the book he lent me (a graham greene novel, his favorite) today and he's responded but in his own time, like the first response came 6 or 7 hours later, the second response over an hour later and no third response yet though my last message contained a question about a hermans hermits record. i'm basically over him, i'm not going to hold out forever for him to realize that we're right for each other, and i'm sure if he DID come around i would either a) drop whoever i was with or b) not have those feelings anymore, since it seems more like the chase is what i fall in love with. i don't feel intense pangs of jealousy thinking of him on a saturday night anymore, but i do compusively check his netflix queue to see if any of the movies are date flicks.
ok, so michael. jesus, this post is wayyy too long. ok, so two weeks ago mike was here watching tv as usual when i announced i might go to atlantic city the following tuesday since i had two days off for rosh hashanah. he asked who i was going with. having no answer, i said "i don't know, i just thought of it" and then i blurted out "you can come if you want" like an asshole. so of course he jumped on it. so we went to AC and had a lovely night drinking and winning money (i won $200 but really i lost $260 and then won $589! it was super exciting. i pissed the $89 into slots though ha). we went up to the room at like 4am and he started kissing me and i protested, reminded him about tina, etc and he was like "i'm not in love with her. i'm in love with someone else." it was awkward, he cried, and i did not budge on the issue. i reminded him i don't want to be with anyone (small lie, but mostly true bc who i want to be with doesn't want to be with me) and that i'm a disaster (true!). so he stopped crying and seemed to accept it. then we went to bed and he made moves and i didn't resist though i insisted that it meant nothing, it cannot give him hope, and he agreed. the next day he was sort of clingy and i was sort of irritated each time he touched me. then the next day he had to lend me his car and he came over and didn't leave for a while. which was annoying. then the following day he had to drive me to my dads to get the tahoe and he overstayed his welcome again after tv time. annoying again. then the following day we had plans to go into the city for candace's bday party and on the drive back he had his hand on my thigh the whole time. NOT COOL. but i couldn't start with him in the car, so i didn't protest. so tuesday i had to call him bc he had weed and i didn't, and he came over to watch the debate and he asked if he could stay over. i said i didn't think that was smart, and i said that if i was going to return to him, that i would do so in my own time and on my own terms. he seemed to understand that and left. he acted normal on thursday for tv night, staying on his own couch and that made me happy. i feel really bad about the whole situation, but he's holding on to a dream. that's why i chose the lyrics i used for this post. he keeps tearing out the sutres and he needs to stop. i'm not going to return. which makes me realize that it's very possible that steve will never return to me. so.. whatever. it's ok if i turn into the maiden aunt, or the crazy cat lady.
ok so i'm tired of typing now.
my little red squiggly lines are not appearing, which is making me sad. sorry for any typos to all the non-readers (or just irene)!
xoxo
Monday, September 01, 2008
maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe we'll go sometime.
i'd have liked to have been a barbarian. i mean, seriously. to me, this makes a LOT of sense. ok, let me lay it out for you: in modern land, i must work. i have bills to pay. credit cards, car maintenance, gas, electricity, clothing to buy, groceries and random meals to buy.. it just sucks. a lot. but if i were a mongol, or a viking, or a saxon, or a hun... i wouldn't have to, like, work. or use money. i'd be a pillaging plunderer. i would run around killing people and stealing what they had, and then laying waste to what was left behind. i'd probably be almost dead at my ripe old age of 28, but who cares? it would be the norm. i have thought about the whole not showering thing, and really, it doesn't matter. because a) i wouldn't know any better, b) no one else would shower either, and c) who needs showers anyway? i like he idea of plunder.
this post was inspired by the following:
1. a theme answer to the nyt puzzle today was "loot and behold"
2. i'm watching a documentary on genghis khan
this post was inspired by the following:
1. a theme answer to the nyt puzzle today was "loot and behold"
2. i'm watching a documentary on genghis khan
Sunday, August 31, 2008
go explore those other women, the geography
of their bodies, but there's just one map you'll need.
yr a boomerang, you'll see.
you will return to me.
bright eyes
of their bodies, but there's just one map you'll need.
yr a boomerang, you'll see.
you will return to me.
bright eyes
today might be one of my favorite days in a long time. last night at 12:20 i got an email from the love of my life, mr. jones. he commented that he knew i'd like the horse races, and that he tought i'd have liked the meadowlands. then he said how inexpensive it is to go there, and then..... "maybe we'll go sometime." MAYBE! WE'LL! GO! SOMETIME! i don't think this is a man who understands the gravity and the enormity of my hope. i swear i began planning our future together again. i am, however, remaining reasonable and conscious of the fact that those are mere words, and i expect to not spend my life with stephan, even though he's *the one*.
secondly, i went to the mall on a whim after katie canceled our plans for the day. i couldn't find ANYTHING in my size. i was discouraged, and i went to leave the mall. got a cup of tea (they have DISCONTINUED my favorite tea, iron buddha oolong!), and was exiting the mall via bloomingdales when i thought to myself that i hate ALL of my jeans, it's time for grown up jeans.. tried on about 12 pairs of jeans and settled on a pair of 7s that didn't have an obnoxious 7 on the ass (i get that it's their trademark, but it makes me look wide!) and that i think look good. i'll have to model them for some people before i commit since they cost $200, but i think i like them. i NEVER find jeans that fit. they're always a little too tight in the hips and WAY too tight on the waist. the jeans i got are a size 27 (!!) (YYYYAAAAYYY, i'm finally losing weight!) and they actually fit. they might be a little tight, but i'm told they stretch. i opened a bloomingdales credit card account and i'm getting 15% off my statement, so i'll save $30.
finally, the sunday newsday crossword is by my favorite constructor, the former crossword editor of the washington post. he is my nemesis, when i began seriously solving in 2004, i could NEVER finish his puzzles. he always seemed to be on wednesday, and at that point i wasn't even able to solve a newsday wednesday, let alone a nyt monday in under 7 minutes. so now i can finish his puzzles and i do them pretty quickly. i finished his last sunday (2-3 weeks ago) in about 28 minuntes, which is good for me on a sunday. i'm not really a speed demon with the puzzles since i have a little bit of a processing delay from when i read the clue to when it clicks. maybe someday i'll be faster, but these solvers online finish a monday times in 3-4 minutes, sometimes faster. i'm around 8 minutes on average on a monday. i finish them flawlessly in ink, but i'm not quite as quick. most of them solve online, anyway, and i prefer paper. i think the typing part saves a lot of time for them.
so yah, a beautiful so far perfect sunday. the last day of august, 2008. eight is great, right? today i am in love with the way things are laid before me.
and i'm hoping tomorrow brings the same.....
secondly, i went to the mall on a whim after katie canceled our plans for the day. i couldn't find ANYTHING in my size. i was discouraged, and i went to leave the mall. got a cup of tea (they have DISCONTINUED my favorite tea, iron buddha oolong!), and was exiting the mall via bloomingdales when i thought to myself that i hate ALL of my jeans, it's time for grown up jeans.. tried on about 12 pairs of jeans and settled on a pair of 7s that didn't have an obnoxious 7 on the ass (i get that it's their trademark, but it makes me look wide!) and that i think look good. i'll have to model them for some people before i commit since they cost $200, but i think i like them. i NEVER find jeans that fit. they're always a little too tight in the hips and WAY too tight on the waist. the jeans i got are a size 27 (!!) (YYYYAAAAYYY, i'm finally losing weight!) and they actually fit. they might be a little tight, but i'm told they stretch. i opened a bloomingdales credit card account and i'm getting 15% off my statement, so i'll save $30.
finally, the sunday newsday crossword is by my favorite constructor, the former crossword editor of the washington post. he is my nemesis, when i began seriously solving in 2004, i could NEVER finish his puzzles. he always seemed to be on wednesday, and at that point i wasn't even able to solve a newsday wednesday, let alone a nyt monday in under 7 minutes. so now i can finish his puzzles and i do them pretty quickly. i finished his last sunday (2-3 weeks ago) in about 28 minuntes, which is good for me on a sunday. i'm not really a speed demon with the puzzles since i have a little bit of a processing delay from when i read the clue to when it clicks. maybe someday i'll be faster, but these solvers online finish a monday times in 3-4 minutes, sometimes faster. i'm around 8 minutes on average on a monday. i finish them flawlessly in ink, but i'm not quite as quick. most of them solve online, anyway, and i prefer paper. i think the typing part saves a lot of time for them.
so yah, a beautiful so far perfect sunday. the last day of august, 2008. eight is great, right? today i am in love with the way things are laid before me.
and i'm hoping tomorrow brings the same.....
Friday, August 15, 2008
it’s not easy finding someone else
when you’re still, you’re still bleeding
the honorary title
that basically sums it up.
can't wait to see the honorary title on saturday. i'm a little disappointed that none of my girls could accompany me, but hopefully cute boys will not be deterred by the presence of tom.kasha is hunting a bug right now. this bothers me. i don't really want her to eat gross bugs. yuck! she's way too precious for that.
my eye kind of hurts. i'm really tired. watching most evil. going to bed after. i want to do laundry tomorrow, but i don't know if i will get up in time. i really want to wear a shirt that is currently dirty to the show saturday.
i miss the man of my dreams more than i had in a while today. why did he have to get involved with me at all? argh. the whole thing is so frustrating, it's not fair. you can't dangle the bait like that and then drop out. sometimes i wish that we didn't have those six weeks, because then i wouldn't know what i was missing.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
barefoot in the shallow creek, i grabbed some stones from underneath and waited for you to speak to me.
and the silence, it became so very clear that you had long ago disappeared. i cursed myself for being surprised that this didn't play like it did in my mind.
all the way from san francisco as i chased the end of your road cos i've still got miles to go.
and i want to know my fate. if i keep up this way.
and it's hard to want to stay awake when everyone you need, they all seem to be asleep. and you wonder if you missed your dream.. you can't see a dream. you can't see a dream.
you just can't see a dream.
death cab for cutie
blah. i'm kind of tired. it's almost midway through august. seeing the honorary title on saturday night (YAY!), paper route on monday. planning a lovely trip to ireland with linds (and now possibly meeting up with irene, too!). i'm feeling more motivated lately, like i'm ready to move forward. it's a scary place.
here's the conundrum: on one hand, i am still madly in love with stephan. i know this because i think about him all the time. and i'm terrified that when i finally move on, he'll want me for some reason (this isn't going to happen, i know, i'm not dense.) and i'll have missed my chance. or i'll have to hurt some other boy to go back to him. because i am stupid, and i think i'd take another chance on stephan if given the chance. maybe bc i'm crazy for him. obviously. BUT on the other hand, i'm tired of being alone. i want to fall in love. the feeling of falling for someone is incredible.. and i don't want to die alone. so i don't know. i have committed to attending happy hours with the work girls on select fridays in an effort to prove one of two things: a) the only man i'll ever feel this intensely for is steve and i'm destined to die alone, or b) there exist dudes that are cool yet adult. again, makes no sense, but i don't know. i get somewhat nauseated at the thought of meeting guys. it makes me shudder a little.
and the silence, it became so very clear that you had long ago disappeared. i cursed myself for being surprised that this didn't play like it did in my mind.
all the way from san francisco as i chased the end of your road cos i've still got miles to go.
and i want to know my fate. if i keep up this way.
and it's hard to want to stay awake when everyone you need, they all seem to be asleep. and you wonder if you missed your dream.. you can't see a dream. you can't see a dream.
you just can't see a dream.
death cab for cutie
blah. i'm kind of tired. it's almost midway through august. seeing the honorary title on saturday night (YAY!), paper route on monday. planning a lovely trip to ireland with linds (and now possibly meeting up with irene, too!). i'm feeling more motivated lately, like i'm ready to move forward. it's a scary place.
here's the conundrum: on one hand, i am still madly in love with stephan. i know this because i think about him all the time. and i'm terrified that when i finally move on, he'll want me for some reason (this isn't going to happen, i know, i'm not dense.) and i'll have missed my chance. or i'll have to hurt some other boy to go back to him. because i am stupid, and i think i'd take another chance on stephan if given the chance. maybe bc i'm crazy for him. obviously. BUT on the other hand, i'm tired of being alone. i want to fall in love. the feeling of falling for someone is incredible.. and i don't want to die alone. so i don't know. i have committed to attending happy hours with the work girls on select fridays in an effort to prove one of two things: a) the only man i'll ever feel this intensely for is steve and i'm destined to die alone, or b) there exist dudes that are cool yet adult. again, makes no sense, but i don't know. i get somewhat nauseated at the thought of meeting guys. it makes me shudder a little.
i'm also making a lot of progress in other areas, such as cleansing myself of the things that make me the disaster that i pretend not to be all the time. here's the thing. i give. and i give. and i GIVE. and, for some reason, i only really gravitate to people who DO NOT give in return. so after a while, after i've given and given and given and reached the point where i recognize that i'm being taken advantage of, i get angry and cut people off. so, what has to happen is, i have to recognize the advantage taking earlier, or wait until a friend shows me that they are willing to give in the capacity in which i will. this is very confusing, i know. but it's not like anyone reads this. it's just that i'm tired of being disappointed in people. i'm super disappointed in jan, i've found that's she's actually a super selfish person and i really didn't think she was like that. but when i re-evaluate things between us, it was like always me giving. i visited her in GA 3 times in just over a year. the last time, i came down because she was so miserable, not being able to tell her girlfriends that she wanted to leave her husband, blah blah, i spent my break with her. i flew down there on a friday after work to spend the weekend driving back to NY after she left christian. i listened to her cry for hours of days over how unhappy she was, fielding texts even when i was at work. but when steve and i broke up, i called her, imed her and texted her. she didn't even get back to me that night. it was the following afternoon before i heard from her. i asked her to come to NC with me so i didn't have to do it alone, and she wouldn't even ASK anyone to watch her dogs (hello, i have a cat that had to be cared for each and every time i traveled to georgia!!!!!)... and the final insult was that she made plans with me to hang out when i got home from NC, and then she blew them off. thing about that is, it seemed like she was blowing me off for the new boyfriend, but it was a "miscommunication" (she didn't blow me off FOR him, but he was coming.. oooook..?).. and rather than apologizing, she like ignores it and then tells me it was my fault because i didn't NAG her to apologize. apparently when one is hurt by the actions of another, it is the hurt party's responsibility to repeatedly reiterate that they were hurt until an apology comes. i didn't get that memo. and then to tell me that she's felt like for the past two years since we've been friends again she's had to "walk on egg shells" to not upset me because i could stop being friends with her at any moment. that's NOT my fault. she did a shitty thing in dating nick two weeks after we broke up. we were super close, she was like my closest friend at the time, and that was a real betrayal. it is NOT my fault that she still feels guilty about that, thus making her feel like i was the type of person who just walks out on people. *i* reached out to *her* two years ago. that was me. why would i contact her and then allow myself to become friends with her again if it was "a trial" (her words!). i understand that the fact that i'm an intensely thoughtful person makes me do things for my friends that other people wouldn't really think of doing, but i don't know. she starts going out with this dude and she ROCKETS him to #1 on her friends list. did MIKE drive to ny with her? did he OFFER to? how many times did he go to GA? seriously? i'm shafted for a boy?! really?! ok. so the point of this whole rant is that i'm just not going to give so much anymore. i'll be there for people when it is convenient for ME. if it involves air travel, i'm saying no.
anyway. i'm super psyched for this potential ireland trip, it's really all i can think about. oh and that one tree hill returns on september 1!! in THREE weeks! YYAAYY!!!! but seriously, irish boys are kinda cute. steve is irish. obviously, he has the irishest last name on the planet. but yah, i'm looking forward to drinking guinness and looking at cute boys with dark hair and blue eyes. this is how i imagine ireland, although i know that there will be redheads and blondes and all the other shades of the rainbow. i'll just have my radar up for the dark-haired, blue-eyed boys.
time to settle in. night!
anyway. i'm super psyched for this potential ireland trip, it's really all i can think about. oh and that one tree hill returns on september 1!! in THREE weeks! YYAAYY!!!! but seriously, irish boys are kinda cute. steve is irish. obviously, he has the irishest last name on the planet. but yah, i'm looking forward to drinking guinness and looking at cute boys with dark hair and blue eyes. this is how i imagine ireland, although i know that there will be redheads and blondes and all the other shades of the rainbow. i'll just have my radar up for the dark-haired, blue-eyed boys.
time to settle in. night!
Thursday, August 07, 2008
i wake up and think dreams are real
i sleep so i don't have to feel
the truth that you can't ever be
the one person that won't ever forget me
armor for sleep
ok so sort of lame lyrics there, and i think i may have already used them at some point in the five year history of this blog. but they fit my mood, so there they are.
this morning i woke up sharply at 7am. from a dream. a really, really great dream, where steve realized that we were worth a chance, and wanted to give it a shot. but no, waking up destroyed that dream. i'm so tired of watching movies that show some bad luck girl finally getting a good guy and finding love. why does it have to happen to me, and then be taken away? i don't know what's wrong with me. it's been six months, i should be over this. seriously. SIX MONTHS. exactly, yesterday. did i not hear the words "i'm not in love with you" come out of his mouth? i did. but that doesn't mean he couldn't, had he given us a chance. of course, i only connect with men that are disasters. why should it be any different now?
i am committed to dying alone.
i sleep so i don't have to feel
the truth that you can't ever be
the one person that won't ever forget me
armor for sleep
ok so sort of lame lyrics there, and i think i may have already used them at some point in the five year history of this blog. but they fit my mood, so there they are.
this morning i woke up sharply at 7am. from a dream. a really, really great dream, where steve realized that we were worth a chance, and wanted to give it a shot. but no, waking up destroyed that dream. i'm so tired of watching movies that show some bad luck girl finally getting a good guy and finding love. why does it have to happen to me, and then be taken away? i don't know what's wrong with me. it's been six months, i should be over this. seriously. SIX MONTHS. exactly, yesterday. did i not hear the words "i'm not in love with you" come out of his mouth? i did. but that doesn't mean he couldn't, had he given us a chance. of course, i only connect with men that are disasters. why should it be any different now?
i am committed to dying alone.
Monday, July 14, 2008
you pull me down underneath in my head i can’t breathe i can’t sleep i can’t dream and i can’t stop loving you kill me
thirty years down in flames gave my heart took your name took a chance took a ring i can’t stop loving you kill me
everything i’ve been everything i am
my heart’s the same as yours i love you the same
paper route
thirty years down in flames gave my heart took your name took a chance took a ring i can’t stop loving you kill me
everything i’ve been everything i am
my heart’s the same as yours i love you the same
paper route
imagine i didn't feel like i'm still completely and totally in love with you, despite the fact that you so blatantly told me that you are not in love with me?
imagine i'll ever stop feeling this way?
imagine i didn't have sex with someone else saturday night just to have sex with someone? and i didn't wake up feeling empty, broken, and alone?
imagine....?
imagine i'll ever stop feeling this way?
imagine i didn't have sex with someone else saturday night just to have sex with someone? and i didn't wake up feeling empty, broken, and alone?
imagine....?
Monday, July 07, 2008
july is not so hot this year. north carolina was a good time. i'm super tan. teaching summer school suuucks. i need to not be at work during the summer. i need to be traveling. doing something other than sitting at a desk.
i've got honorary title tickets for august 16 wooo.
i need a dude. i don't care if it's meaningless. i'm like, dying here. i want it to be steve, but i realize that's never going to happen. thus i will settle for someone to like, do stuff with. and get some play.
that's about all i have to say. i'm tired and bored with everything all the time. i should be sleeping more.
so maybe i will.
i've got honorary title tickets for august 16 wooo.
i need a dude. i don't care if it's meaningless. i'm like, dying here. i want it to be steve, but i realize that's never going to happen. thus i will settle for someone to like, do stuff with. and get some play.
that's about all i have to say. i'm tired and bored with everything all the time. i should be sleeping more.
so maybe i will.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
june is boring the shit out of me.
i'm tired.
i need a vacation.
i'm tired.
i need a vacation.
Monday, May 26, 2008
but ghosts tend me to be careless
trying to want us now
but they're gone, somehow we keep them around
decibully
trying to want us now
but they're gone, somehow we keep them around
decibully
sometimes things are ok. they coast along, and you don't haunt me. but most of the time, you do. sometimes i talk to you, planning the words i would say were we to meet again. "it's just that i don't WANT to stop feeling like this. what i'm feeling is something i never thought possible. it's something i fear i'll never feel again. and what i don't understand is how i could be so sure of something, and for you to not feel it. i swear it was like electricity, that first time we spoke. electric. i knew it then and there, that this was my destiny. that i went to rutgers for a reason, that i'd chosen this path because it was the correct one. and right now, what i feel for you, it feels exactly like i'd always imagined love would feel. that unconditional forever type of love. the truth is, i've loved you since we first shared a conversation over a smoke outside of the history building. i never stopped. i will never stop. and despite the fact that i'll probably end up settling for some inferior version of you, you will always ALWAYS have every inch of my heart. every last inch of it."
i've thought those lines so many times. we haven't spoken in weeks. i have no reason to be hung up on you. but i was never able to forget you. over the years that passed i never forgot how i felt when i was with you. how i got butterflies every time i saw you for SEVEN YEARS. granted i didn't see you at all for four of those seven years. but for the two years that i saw you at least twice weekly, i got butterflies every time. and for the six recent weeks all i had to do was think of you and i had butterflies. i can still smell yr skin. i can see yr smile. i can see you sitting on this exact couch, telling me stories, looking up spacechimps, chuck norris facts, guys that look like kenny rogers.. i swear i can see us laying on the floor, talking about fjords, and how yr grandfather could sleep anywhere. and how you like sleeping on floors. how we ruined the coffee twice. the way you looked when you said "i baked you a pie" outside on the street. the way you looked into my eyes while explaining that it was simply too late for me to drive home, i was going to have to stay there. the way you kissed me that first kiss.... that kiss. i still get all sorts of insane inside when i imagine you with yr head resting on my chest.. the way you hesitated while lifting yr face to mine.. the way you searched my eyes with yrs as we laid on the couch watching some woody allen movie..
you know, i know that a life with you wouldn't be easy. i know that there would always be the looming threat of alcoholism, that at any time you could return to the bottle. i've made up the scenarios in my head, you coming home drunk at 4am... but those things seem so impossible. it was always, and still is, a risk i'd be willing to face in order to have the potential for true love.
but love isn't real. because if it was, you would feel this too. you would be thinking of me right now. did the "knee sock material" clue in this sunday's times make you think of me? do you ever miss waking up with me on a sunday morning? no. no, you don't. because love is something that people invent. and sometimes, two people invent love for each other and they end up together. but not me. i'm born to lose. and you are my only true love. you are everything i ever wanted. you are everything. you are everything.
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