Saturday, October 11, 2008
i feel must interject here you're getting
carried away feeling sorry for yourself
with these revisions and gaps in history
so let me help you remember.
i've made charts and graphs that should finally make it clear.
i've prepared a lecture on why i have to leave
so please back away and let me go
...
you've had yr chance so say goodbye.
say goodbye.
the postal service
carried away feeling sorry for yourself
with these revisions and gaps in history
so let me help you remember.
i've made charts and graphs that should finally make it clear.
i've prepared a lecture on why i have to leave
so please back away and let me go
...
you've had yr chance so say goodbye.
say goodbye.
the postal service
ugh.
so much to say but no motivation to say it. i don't know what i've already said. i did neglect to say that it was my blog's 5th birthday last month. sorry blog. happy belated birthday to you.
ok, so here's what's happened. i neglected to say, i think, that tom decided he had/has strong feelings for me, and wants to give us another shot. riiight. so, basically, you needed time to screw around and now that you got that out of yr system you want me back? sorry, i don't have those kind of feelings anymore. we went to a wedding together in like early september and it was awkward. i still get random late night texts from him that just say "i hate you". but he says the window is closing and he's returning to summer 2007 mentality, so oh well. good for him.
amazingly, i never talked about seeing steve three weeks ago. i think it was three weeks ago. maybe it was a month now. anyway, i saw him. i brought my crossword puzzle to nj and he solved it in the length of one 10,000 maniacs record. not bad. i sent it to the new york times almost two weeks ago but i haven't heard from them. i'm going with no news is good news for now. so yah, we watched the movei wilde which was sort of boring, and we both fell asleep before it ended. then it was like 1:23am and he asked if i wanted to stay, and i did, so i did. we kind of tangled our legs in the bed. i had a headache so he made me eat a granola bar and take aspirin. then we was sighing, so i asked what was wrong and he said "nothing" and i was like "ok, well besides nothing?" and he said he was finding it hard to lay in the bed with me without being physical.. so we kind of talked about it, agreed no one would have hurt feelings (meaning me), and got on with it. it was amazing to feel his skin against my skin, i felt like i was home, but i had to remind myself that home is not there with him, he doesn't feel at home with me, and that it was what it was. so it was fine. i woke up a lot through the night, and things were somewhat awkward the following day. i rubbed his back for him, and i left by 1pm. i think he was surprised i was leaving so early, but i wasn't sure if it was pleasantly. it might have been. i was sad and all afterward bc i really still think he's the one for me, but i'm not the one for him so what can i do? nothing. the future will be what it will be, and i'm not in control here. i have to let it be. and it will be something, i'm just not sure what. so anyway, he randomly texted me the following saturday to ask if i'd sent in the puzzle yet, and we exchanged a few messages. then he sent me some of his poetry and i sent him some of mine. then last friday he randomly texted me to ask if i was still in atlantic city (i was not, i had gone on tuesday! it's a one-night kinda place) and we exchanged a few more messages. i have no idea why he wanted to know if i was still in AC.. it made no sense because why would he care? did he want me to stop by? bleh i have no idea. so whatever. then last weekend we also were emailing on sunday bc i told him about what i'm going through with mike (i'll elaborate later) bc one of the poems i had written dealt with it. and he was trying to be helpful, but sometimes i think him patronizing. whatever, though. then today i texted him to tell him i'd be starting the book he lent me (a graham greene novel, his favorite) today and he's responded but in his own time, like the first response came 6 or 7 hours later, the second response over an hour later and no third response yet though my last message contained a question about a hermans hermits record. i'm basically over him, i'm not going to hold out forever for him to realize that we're right for each other, and i'm sure if he DID come around i would either a) drop whoever i was with or b) not have those feelings anymore, since it seems more like the chase is what i fall in love with. i don't feel intense pangs of jealousy thinking of him on a saturday night anymore, but i do compusively check his netflix queue to see if any of the movies are date flicks.
ok, so michael. jesus, this post is wayyy too long. ok, so two weeks ago mike was here watching tv as usual when i announced i might go to atlantic city the following tuesday since i had two days off for rosh hashanah. he asked who i was going with. having no answer, i said "i don't know, i just thought of it" and then i blurted out "you can come if you want" like an asshole. so of course he jumped on it. so we went to AC and had a lovely night drinking and winning money (i won $200 but really i lost $260 and then won $589! it was super exciting. i pissed the $89 into slots though ha). we went up to the room at like 4am and he started kissing me and i protested, reminded him about tina, etc and he was like "i'm not in love with her. i'm in love with someone else." it was awkward, he cried, and i did not budge on the issue. i reminded him i don't want to be with anyone (small lie, but mostly true bc who i want to be with doesn't want to be with me) and that i'm a disaster (true!). so he stopped crying and seemed to accept it. then we went to bed and he made moves and i didn't resist though i insisted that it meant nothing, it cannot give him hope, and he agreed. the next day he was sort of clingy and i was sort of irritated each time he touched me. then the next day he had to lend me his car and he came over and didn't leave for a while. which was annoying. then the following day he had to drive me to my dads to get the tahoe and he overstayed his welcome again after tv time. annoying again. then the following day we had plans to go into the city for candace's bday party and on the drive back he had his hand on my thigh the whole time. NOT COOL. but i couldn't start with him in the car, so i didn't protest. so tuesday i had to call him bc he had weed and i didn't, and he came over to watch the debate and he asked if he could stay over. i said i didn't think that was smart, and i said that if i was going to return to him, that i would do so in my own time and on my own terms. he seemed to understand that and left. he acted normal on thursday for tv night, staying on his own couch and that made me happy. i feel really bad about the whole situation, but he's holding on to a dream. that's why i chose the lyrics i used for this post. he keeps tearing out the sutres and he needs to stop. i'm not going to return. which makes me realize that it's very possible that steve will never return to me. so.. whatever. it's ok if i turn into the maiden aunt, or the crazy cat lady.
ok so i'm tired of typing now.
my little red squiggly lines are not appearing, which is making me sad. sorry for any typos to all the non-readers (or just irene)!
xoxo
so much to say but no motivation to say it. i don't know what i've already said. i did neglect to say that it was my blog's 5th birthday last month. sorry blog. happy belated birthday to you.
ok, so here's what's happened. i neglected to say, i think, that tom decided he had/has strong feelings for me, and wants to give us another shot. riiight. so, basically, you needed time to screw around and now that you got that out of yr system you want me back? sorry, i don't have those kind of feelings anymore. we went to a wedding together in like early september and it was awkward. i still get random late night texts from him that just say "i hate you". but he says the window is closing and he's returning to summer 2007 mentality, so oh well. good for him.
amazingly, i never talked about seeing steve three weeks ago. i think it was three weeks ago. maybe it was a month now. anyway, i saw him. i brought my crossword puzzle to nj and he solved it in the length of one 10,000 maniacs record. not bad. i sent it to the new york times almost two weeks ago but i haven't heard from them. i'm going with no news is good news for now. so yah, we watched the movei wilde which was sort of boring, and we both fell asleep before it ended. then it was like 1:23am and he asked if i wanted to stay, and i did, so i did. we kind of tangled our legs in the bed. i had a headache so he made me eat a granola bar and take aspirin. then we was sighing, so i asked what was wrong and he said "nothing" and i was like "ok, well besides nothing?" and he said he was finding it hard to lay in the bed with me without being physical.. so we kind of talked about it, agreed no one would have hurt feelings (meaning me), and got on with it. it was amazing to feel his skin against my skin, i felt like i was home, but i had to remind myself that home is not there with him, he doesn't feel at home with me, and that it was what it was. so it was fine. i woke up a lot through the night, and things were somewhat awkward the following day. i rubbed his back for him, and i left by 1pm. i think he was surprised i was leaving so early, but i wasn't sure if it was pleasantly. it might have been. i was sad and all afterward bc i really still think he's the one for me, but i'm not the one for him so what can i do? nothing. the future will be what it will be, and i'm not in control here. i have to let it be. and it will be something, i'm just not sure what. so anyway, he randomly texted me the following saturday to ask if i'd sent in the puzzle yet, and we exchanged a few messages. then he sent me some of his poetry and i sent him some of mine. then last friday he randomly texted me to ask if i was still in atlantic city (i was not, i had gone on tuesday! it's a one-night kinda place) and we exchanged a few more messages. i have no idea why he wanted to know if i was still in AC.. it made no sense because why would he care? did he want me to stop by? bleh i have no idea. so whatever. then last weekend we also were emailing on sunday bc i told him about what i'm going through with mike (i'll elaborate later) bc one of the poems i had written dealt with it. and he was trying to be helpful, but sometimes i think him patronizing. whatever, though. then today i texted him to tell him i'd be starting the book he lent me (a graham greene novel, his favorite) today and he's responded but in his own time, like the first response came 6 or 7 hours later, the second response over an hour later and no third response yet though my last message contained a question about a hermans hermits record. i'm basically over him, i'm not going to hold out forever for him to realize that we're right for each other, and i'm sure if he DID come around i would either a) drop whoever i was with or b) not have those feelings anymore, since it seems more like the chase is what i fall in love with. i don't feel intense pangs of jealousy thinking of him on a saturday night anymore, but i do compusively check his netflix queue to see if any of the movies are date flicks.
ok, so michael. jesus, this post is wayyy too long. ok, so two weeks ago mike was here watching tv as usual when i announced i might go to atlantic city the following tuesday since i had two days off for rosh hashanah. he asked who i was going with. having no answer, i said "i don't know, i just thought of it" and then i blurted out "you can come if you want" like an asshole. so of course he jumped on it. so we went to AC and had a lovely night drinking and winning money (i won $200 but really i lost $260 and then won $589! it was super exciting. i pissed the $89 into slots though ha). we went up to the room at like 4am and he started kissing me and i protested, reminded him about tina, etc and he was like "i'm not in love with her. i'm in love with someone else." it was awkward, he cried, and i did not budge on the issue. i reminded him i don't want to be with anyone (small lie, but mostly true bc who i want to be with doesn't want to be with me) and that i'm a disaster (true!). so he stopped crying and seemed to accept it. then we went to bed and he made moves and i didn't resist though i insisted that it meant nothing, it cannot give him hope, and he agreed. the next day he was sort of clingy and i was sort of irritated each time he touched me. then the next day he had to lend me his car and he came over and didn't leave for a while. which was annoying. then the following day he had to drive me to my dads to get the tahoe and he overstayed his welcome again after tv time. annoying again. then the following day we had plans to go into the city for candace's bday party and on the drive back he had his hand on my thigh the whole time. NOT COOL. but i couldn't start with him in the car, so i didn't protest. so tuesday i had to call him bc he had weed and i didn't, and he came over to watch the debate and he asked if he could stay over. i said i didn't think that was smart, and i said that if i was going to return to him, that i would do so in my own time and on my own terms. he seemed to understand that and left. he acted normal on thursday for tv night, staying on his own couch and that made me happy. i feel really bad about the whole situation, but he's holding on to a dream. that's why i chose the lyrics i used for this post. he keeps tearing out the sutres and he needs to stop. i'm not going to return. which makes me realize that it's very possible that steve will never return to me. so.. whatever. it's ok if i turn into the maiden aunt, or the crazy cat lady.
ok so i'm tired of typing now.
my little red squiggly lines are not appearing, which is making me sad. sorry for any typos to all the non-readers (or just irene)!
xoxo
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